Tuesday 7th May 2013

Kat is apparently back at work... good to see bullying is being endorsed by the Crayon Crew, what a wholesome message! Perhaps that's what spurs her on to make spiteful comments to Alfie about trying to get Poxy preggers.

Count Moonula is still in a mood and Pointless Poppy has deduced that Half-Day Alice wubs him.

Twitney has reappeared! To yawns of indifference.

Saint Alfie is clearly unhappy about the whole baby situation, what with Kat knowing... goodness, where could this be going, beyond the Crayon Crew beating us over the heads that the spineless Alfie and the slapper Kat are Walford's answer to Romeo and Juliet except neither one of them has had the good graces to kill themselves.

Dot makes The Lips uncomfortable talking about the imaginary baby.

Lauren has yet to forget she's an alcoholic and is sponging from her father but he thinks he has a baby on the way - jokes on you, Max! This causes Twitney to suggest she go for one of the positions at Ian's new restaurant. While Ian gives his stereotypical Pole a hard time and then fires him...

Abi and Jay are on the rocks! Because he's working... yawn.

Kat comes to passive aggressive at Saint Alfie. She's really going to need to work on her game if she wants to rival the human holocaust that is Sharon.

It seems all of Walford is turning up for the position at Ian's restaurant! All the women at least because clearly it's womens work.

Kat points out - after some interrogation from Dot - that The Lips is being pretty stupid because even if she DOES get pregnant, she won't be thirteen weeks pregnant. You know, something pretty much anyone could have told you.

Ian turns up to be needlessly combative toward Bianca and Misery Guts Carol - no jobs for them!

Max walks in to hear Jay talking about Abi... generic overprotective father dialogue in Max's barely comprehensible dialect commences, churning forth from his cement mixer of a mouth and splattering against the floor like some kind of word porridge.

For reasons unexplained - beyond evil - Evil Lucy is running the job interview. Pointless Poppy wins... a sad indictment of the other candidates... and as Evil Lucy lives up to her name, the needlessly overly complicated interview has apparently warranted the emptying of the cafffffffffffff, now requires actual dinners - in the shape of the gormless Moon brother and the human glass of water, Joey.

Speaking of evil, Janine pops around with Scarlet knowing full well Count Moonula is in a meeting about his VAT returns for the dusty warehouse - purely so she can pretend she was trying to let him see his daughter. A pleasant change from the Janine begging Billy Idiot for help.

In an attempt to undo the terrible stereotyping of the Polish nation, they are now congregating en masse in the Vic to get drunk before noon - showing they're just as work shy and terrible as the regular Walford residents... it's hard to say whether that's more or less offensive. Oh, wait - no it isn't. As always - it's more offensive.

Evil Lucy should really get a moustache to twirl as she watches Lauren squirm.

JANINE IS A BAD MOTHER! PART SEVENTEEN! And get used to 'em because there will be hundreds more.

Misery Guts Carol seems to realise that being mutton, she shouldn't be dressing as lamb. Masood will be so disappointed she doesn't look like an ageing prostitute.

Due to Twitney being nice, Lauren gets the job - riveting!

The Vic is heaving... strange, it's not Monday! Kat keeps on at The Lips about the imaginary baby - apparently it's "getting out of control". Oh and she walks out of her shift to go and rectify the situation.

Abi being uncharacteristically petulant creates a situation where the horrifying prospect of Dexter Fletcher, Lola, Abi and Jay on a camping holiday is raised... oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear.

The Lips tries to tell Max she isn't pregnant but it's one of those generic soap scenarios where the person can't get a word in and doesn't have the sense to shout "I'M NOT PREGNANT!" to stop the needless padding and then there's a call at the door.

The Polish builders are causing trouble and Poxy is living up to the blonde ideal as she rejects Kat's offers of help and just generally does badly - because as well as being part of Walford's Romeo and Juliet, she is also the rightful successor to Peggy as the rightful ruler of the Vic or some other nonsense. Fortunately, Kat is there to save the day but Poxy is suitably ungrateful.

Dot turns up to prattle on meaninglessly - yawn and she remember Jim... who cares? Dull, dull, dull and no doubt we'll see this a dozen more times.

Kat watches stereotypical Polish builder go back into the Vic but doesn't do anything - despite him being disgruntled. This is of course when Poxy shows us the true levels of her stupidity, as she hears someone coming up the stairs and calls out but leaves the safe wide open as she goes to see what's happening... which is when she bumps into disgruntled Polish builder stereotype! Goodness, it's almost as if anyone can wander into the Vic's flat!