Tuesday 14th May 2013

Lola shakes her head as she sees Sharon and King Phil walking across the Square with Lexi and then goes to moan to Billy Idiot, who offers the generic reassurances but as Lola is clearly distressed and Billy Idiot apparently believes her... he's still more worried about his date with Ava. So, she has to brow beat him into it.

Ava is clearly really excited about dating a person even the infamously ugly Mitchell family consider to be a runt... then Tanya decides to help get her "in the mood"... shouldn't she be at work? Shouldn't BOTH of them be at work?

Shirley appears from the black hole she lives in between Phil related stories to seem jealous about Sharon dating Phil and then pretending she isn't.

Ian is bouncing between personas and decides to offer Jean a job at "La Square".

Misery Guts Carol lives up to her name in the caffffffffff while discussing her sex life with Bianca - which AJ overhears, no doubt leading to some painfully unfunny comedy antics later.

Being the successful businesswoman she is, Tanya and Ava  are all alone in the silent salon. They've also started drinking before noon.

AJ and Bianca decide to get things going between Massood and Misery Guts.

Lola is about ready to strangle Sharon as soon as she gets to the dinner... if there was more realism in Eastenders this would probably be the reaction of everyone in Walford to Sharon.

Ava continues her attempt to convince Dexter Fletcher than Billy Idiot isn't a feckless waste of space but her son is having none of it...

Lola's crude attempts to unmask Sharon's drug taking aren't going too well as she makes her antipathy toward the Miss Piggy impersonator clear. Then Alfie and Poxy turn up... oh, lawks.

Ava frets about being too old to date and Dexter not liking Billy Idiot but Tanya is on hand with bland reassurance.

Elsewhere, Lola's crude attempts to expose Sharon continue with her rifling through Sharon's purse, only to be discovered by King Phil. She covers by saying it's a period and Phil instantly goes "Oh... I'll call Sharon." Yes, just shout out "LOLA IS HAVING HER PERIOD!" to all and sundry but Sharon frumps in and spoils the plan.

Kirsty's faultless cover story continues to be the exact opposite as she pretends she has had a scan. Yeah, so if you're three months into a pregnancy and pregnancy on average lasts nine months... there's NO way that could possibly show you were lying.

The truly dire dinner continues with forced, unfunny dialogue as Lola sits there with an expression that is clearly meant to express her contempt for Sharon but is more like the kind of reaction a normal person would have to sitting at this dinner and having to suffer this company... Then Billy Idiot manages to get a generous helping of soup on his shirt and goes into the kitchen to see Sharon pouring her wine down the sink. DUN DUN DUN! He then tells Lola this and she pleads for him to stay longer - which really begs the question of why he didn't just rearrange the date... oh, right because that would have been the CLEVER thing to do.

Sharon is apparently as high as a kite as she trips over, blaming it on the booze... when of course, she hasn't been drinking. In case you hadn't worked that out we then have Lola loudly explaining this to Billy Idiot in the corridor... perhaps it would be easier if they had some kind of commentary to switch on if they think so little of the average viewer? Then he gets cajoled into heading off to his date.

Max - ever the romantic and having been told Kirstie had a scan - is going to wow her by taking her private for a scan... what a waste of money.

The forced Masood/Misery Guts date begins!

Ian wasn't being a soft touch! Nope, Jean has to do an audition to get the job! DOHOHOHO!

Lola's plan - not for the first time - is to abscond with Lexi because she thinks Sharon is a car crash... and she isn't wrong there. King Phil sticks his nose in and just before Lola can do the one thing she really knows how to do - lash out - there's a knock at the door and it's SS Officer Joyless because ZE SOCIAL turn up unannounced in the evening as a matter of course!

Ava goes to answer the door but it's not Billy Idiot... IT'S DEXTER FLETCHER'S LONG LOST FATHER! WHAT A TWIST!