Monday 13th May 2013

So, Janine has got Scarlet a nanny!

Sharon is trying to win Lola's silence with stuff for Lexi but she Lola is having none of it.

Count Moonula is sulking because of Janine's evil machinations.

Kim has reappeared - sigh and Ray has managed to remember his daughter again! Goodness.

Ian has apparently had another dramatic personality shift and has become a spendthrift having discovered Derek's cash... which apparently isn't counterfeit. This is apparently a big turn on for Denise... shudder.

The Lips pregnancy deception continues.

Lola has words with Sharon about the cot... amusingly Sharon's reaction to this is telling Lola she needs to learn some manners - yes, what a great idea! Antagonise the volatile teenager that knows you're a drug addict! Billy Idiot interrupts and Sharon doesn't seem to take the hint that Lola doesn't want her anywhere near her baby... again, why seek to antagonise her?

Patrick has magically reappeared too and he notes something is going on with the B&B because Kim is sending people to room four! Oh and he's fine now - despite the fact it was established his recovery would be slow. DUN DUN DUN!

Shockingly, Count Moonula apologises to Half-Day Alice and then they have another discussion about the baby and apparently he trusts her NOT to make a mess of it this time.

It seems The Lips plan was so ill conceived she didn't even research the various effects of pregnancy and she's also sufficiently deluded to think that there is still time for her to get pregnant and Max not notice her pregnancy was over eleven months long. People in Walford are pretty very stupid - so it's possibly.

Lola is getting all anxious about the visit from the jack booted officers of ZE SOCIAL.

Alice is trying to play the sympathy card with Janine. Big mistake. The most surprising thing is that Michael is actually surprised at this but it seems he's setting Half-Day up to be a patsy in one of his schemes.

Still as twitchy as a crack addict jonesing for a fix, Lola acts as suspiciously as possible for SS Officer Joyless. Although, Lola's only real distinguishing feature is being incapable of acting rationally... so, basically like all women on Eastenders ever.

Patrick continues to suspect Kim is upto something.

Meanwhile, Alice has decided the best way to win Michael's affections is to steal Scarlet from the nanny. Genius! Then she takes her straight back to Janine and as a result, the nanny gets fired... well, that's achieved  precisely nothing.

Denise and Patrick rumble Kim's scheme. Yawn. It turns out that Kim was secretly using room four for massages but she didn't tell anyone because that would have been sensible. Denise is also flustered by accusations that she is tense.

The Scarlet saga continues and due to her clever scheme, Alice is now Scarlet's nanny again - even though two minutes ago,  Janine was saying she wasn't going to let anyone near her... She's trying to give King Phil a run for his money in terms of capriciousness.

Denise turns up to the restaurant, wearing a public masturbator trenchcoat and engages in some stomach flirting with Ian.

Sharon being a complete berk decides to show up AGAIN - yes because Lola has been reacting so well to your continued presence, you wouldn't want to try backing off a bit or anything, would you now? Oh and for extra hilarity, she calls LOLA childish... If not for the rather obvious signs of the ravages of age, it's hard to imagine Sharon's emotional maturity being in double digits... and after Sharon leaves, Billy Idiot finds out the reason for Lola's anxiety is that Sharon is an addict and this will (somehow) lead to Lexi going into care FOREVER! Oh, right... because the idea they could just put her back into the custody of the birth mother and thus remove that factor entirely is far too sensible. No, in the Crayon Crew's wacky world of Walford ZE SOCIAL has to the worst possible combination of malicious, incompetent, illogical, unfair and needlessly officious that is possible.

Count Moonula is pleased with Half-Day's efforts and it becomes very obvious - if it wasn't already - that this is all part of his evil scheme to reclaim Scarlet.