Tuesday 28th May 2013

It's Kim's birthday and apparently they're celebrating her imminent departure from the Square... it can't come soon enough but Denise is apparently not telling her something. DUN DUN DUN!

Tanya wakes Lauren up by pouring water over her... why does she always sleep on the sofa?

Denise points that Kim moving out means she won't be able to run the business, also she and Ray JUST got back together and she's moving in with him... valid points which Kim responds to by flouncing off.

Sharon is telling her son yet another pack of lies - seriously, this Kinder Egg kid is going to be an emotional car crash before he even HITS puberty - and then Shirley pops up, like a mysterious stranger but instead of giving useful advice, it's just the usual "Phil is bad." Eastenders - never afraid to stick with just that one note!

Tanya engages in step one of Lauren alcoholism skirmish because after months and months NOW is the time to act... and not by getting her into counselling or anything just by giving her a talking to.

Even The Lips seems to be realising the immense levels of her own stupidity as Max brags to Dot about going for a scan - and obviously, Dot has to prattle on about knowing it's a boy. Sigh.

Kim gets a cocktail in the Vic and because the plot requires it, Ray has been to Walford General for a personality transplant over the bank holiday weekend and has become all manipulative and controlling - despite never having shown any signs of this before. Fortunately, Denise highlighted all of these previously non-existent traits earlier so that Kim isn't shocked.

Half-Day Alice continues to be a part to the Count Moonula machinations but Pointless Poppy tells her she needs to stand up to Michael and Janine.

Tanya asks Denise not to serve Lauren alcohol but again, showing insight uncommon for Walford - Denise points out that if Lauren wants to get drunk, she'll manage and given she's in one of the largest cities in the world... it seems pretty much a given she'll find somewhere to sell her booze. WHICH IS WHY SHE SHOULD BE GETTING COUNSELLING!

Lauren goes for a chat with Dot - apparently (and make sure you're not drinking anything) she can't talk to her mother because she's always "wrapped up in work". That is laugh out loud funny, it really is - spoken mere moments after we see Tanya walking around the Square doing anything BUT work. Then she cons Dot into giving her some money... the council clearly waived the thousands of pounds in arrears as well as ignoring proper legal procedure. GRITTY REALISM!

Half-Day Alice seems pleased when Janine shows a shred of human decency and lets her go to the party... that IS pretty surprising.

King Phil again shows why it's good to be king because he's the only person in Walford that can call Sharon on her obvious lies because when she comes saying she's there for her freakish son, he sees through the ruse immediately. He did miss a prime opportunity to tell her to sling 'er 'ook though. Oh well.

Morgan, Kim and Ray are playing some manner of game console because Ray has actually managed to remember that the reason he moved to the Square was to be near his estranged son. Said son remarks on the fact that him moving away won't be the same... Oh and Ray forgets to include Kim when he says family, UHOH!

Lauren gets turned down for buying booze at the shop, only for Evil Lucy to snarkily say her mother has pulled out "all the stops" because the Vic and the shop are the ONLY places in London that sell booze, of course! GRITTY REALISM!

Count Moonula gives Half-Day Alice a predictable hard time for going to the party against his behest.

Lauren having heard about Kim's party plays the dutiful daughter to her mother... for all of two minutes because next thing you know, she has rolled up to said party, apparently already drunk... it's starting to seem as if just a proximity to alcohol makes the girl drunk.

Phil has one of his characteristic changes of heart and says Dennis can come and visit ANY time.

The new Ray is talking about how Essex will be a good place for Kim to better herself... That's not controlling or manipulative, that's like asking water to stop being wet... Does going to Essex necessarily entail social refinement - there seem to be several television programmes dedicated to showing how it's a breeding ground for sub-humanoids who future generations will presumably have to purify with fire... but then, upon reflection - that WOULD still be a step up from Walford. Even after it was razed to the ground by atomic fire.

Denise tells Lauren to stop drinking but she ignores her and again showing uncanny insight for a Walford resident, she just calls Tanya (totally taken in by her daughter's two seconds of good behaviour) who is shocked that she'd be at a party. Quite. How could that two second peptalk have failed?! Needless to say, in true Lauren style - she's already five or six sheets to the wind at Kim's as she practically accosts her friends, demanding to dance.

SUDDENLY! A WILD CAKE APPEARS! LAUREN USES DRUNKEN DANCING! IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE! If you didn't see that one coming, you need your eyes checked. Tanya immediately springs forth to escort her daughter home... and then Pointless Poppy presents Kim with the most hidious orange his and hers... "onesies" ever, Ray reacting with the kind of disgust most men approaching middle age would.

Lauren is already throwing up - good grief, she goes from sober to plastered to puking to passed out faster than most people put on a pair of shoes. Tanya and Max then have a conversation where she lies about  Lauren for... no good reason because that makes total sense and isn't a contrived way to generate artificial tension!

What's a good  place to take a baby? A party because Janine turns up to unload her baby on Alice... who then just jaunts off herself. We're then treated to the sight of Kim looking more awful than usual in her orange jumpsuit... is she getting ready to go to jail in the USA? Then Ray says it's time for them to say their goodbyes... wait, why did they have to leave DURING their own party?

For some reason, being handed a baby unexpectedly causes Alice's brain to break and she goes into the shop and steals some granulated gravy. DUN DUN DUN!

Shirley unironically comments on how Kim isn't going to the moon... actually, if it wasn't obvious from Ray's sudden personality transplant that Kim wasn't going to go through with this, she'd be in contact more often if she was on the moon. Anyway, Kim has her epiphany that Ray isn't the man for her because he doesn't "get her" and a bunch of other generic problems that were never mentioned before. Another great Walford romance ends not with a bang but a "did anyone give a damn?"