Friday 10th May 2013

Ian is attempting to impress Jean (for some reason) when we find out that there's... A PROBLEM! DUN DUN DUN!

Count Moonula gets a text from Janine as Kat walks in looking like a prostitute and oh dear, there's Mo... Thinking she'd been quietly murdered off-screen was just too much to hope for. She's here for the rent and to mention Fat Elvis and presumably get in enough lines to warrant the actress being kept on... and then Half-Day Alice turns up and she owes rent too and Mo wants the money today because THIS IS THE REAL WORLD... ha, implying financial consequences exist in Eastenders! Comedy.

Pointless Poppy and Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuur think they're perfect for one another, which leads to a "hilarious" scene where Pointless Poppy strops off because Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuur left a tin of tuna in the fridge. Oh and Dot thinks that Tamwar and Alice not getting together is all part of god's plan... so much for free will!

The Crayon Crew have done a complete one eighty on Poles. Apparently they're not cheap or efficient and will leave a job at the drop of a hat - as well as being drunkards and thieves... While it's nice to see they aren't going for the stereotype, this is actually a LOT worse... and Ian is left in the lurch with a totally unfinished restaurant and four weeks to opening...

Speaking of stereotypes, Dexter Fletcher is trying to oversell stuff on a car... which Jay prevents him from doing. Which leads to an unfortunately homoerotic exchange between the two where Jay insists he isn't soft. Oh dear.

Janine turns up to accuse Kat of going out with Michael and also further hammer home that she's a bad mother and then just for bonus points, she drops Poxy in it by saying she told her all this and because the most powerful force in Eastenders isn't the strong nuclear force but rather spite, this immediately means Kat is going to go and tell tales to Saint Alfie about POLISH MAN!

Continuing her rampage, Janine stops by to tell Michael he's never seeing his daughter. Again.

Pointless Poppy and her pointless subplot continues. Dull.

Ian attempts to borrow some more money from Janine - that goes as well as you'd expect.

King Phil upsets Jay by telling him he wasn't in on the whole scamming customers thing.

Another case of mobile phone mysteriously not working due to plot contrivance when it turns out Tommy has a rash and Alfie couldn't get through to Kat - what, he didn't just go around the Square looking for her?! - then it turns out that Amy had a nightmare and won't talk about it. She's a mute! She doesn't talk about anything!

Turns out the Arches is going like a fair today. At this rate it might even make enough to cover the rent on the place... oh and Jay messes up trying to dupe someone and goes off in a huff. Again. What a fragile ego he has.

A BREAKTHROUGH! AMY SPEAKS! Oh and Kat lies for Poxy.

Alice doesn't seem to be taking the hint from Michael and finally snaps. At least she has worked out the most Michael feels for her is contempt and that just causes him to have a little smile.

Pointless Poppy apparently suffers from OCD that just hasn't been mentioned or shown until this point and then Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur's woes are ended when Dot suggests whimsically he'll never know Poppy unless he has a Poppy encyclopaedia... And Arfuuuuuuuuuuur does the thing that only happens in TV where he says "YOU'RE A GENIUS!" and then rushes off without explaining anything.

Ian's building woes continue and he really has hit rock bottom as he gets advice from Jean... and so we establish that Ian can't let Lucy OR Janine find out about his abject failure as he goes off grinning like an idiot to start clearing up the mess at the restaurant... because that's clearly more useful than finding an actual builder and oblivious to Janine spying his conversation with Jean.

King Phil massages Jay's wounded ego and apparently this has led to Jay having... A CUNNING PLAN!

Jean goes to the restaurant to find Ian all but curled up in a ball.

Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy have what amounts to the Pointless Poppy trivia quiz... which solves their relationship issue.

Jay's plan is to do up a busted car. Hmm, that seems familiar. Oh, right because they did that with Ben... except that got forgotten just about the second it was mentioned and went precisely NOWHERE and as one of the possible results of this storyline is a week long holiday special... let's just hope it goes nowhere too.

Jean finds a lockbox in the restaurant... and inevitably, Ian opens it and lies to Jean about it's contents... which perplexingly contains a letter to Misery Guts Carol from Doctor Holby but didn't she get that? Perhaps MORE importantly, it's full of money.

Kat and Poxy are apparently BFFs now but more importantly, Amy drew a picture of Kat more orange than a tangerine.

Evil Lucy is being nice to her father for a change and doesn't notice that he's covetously holding a big fat brown envelope and then an awkward conversation ensues between him and Half-Day Alice, where he appears to consider telling her about the money but instead just apologises for snapping at her, before getting the builders to come back on Monday. DUN DUN DUN!