Monday 31st December 2012

Another year of misery draws to a close with the mother hen cluckings of Phil preparing a bottle for his (alleged) grand daughter. Lola drops by to see her daughter and is greeted by the news that Jay and Cora can be godparents but this happy news is cut short when we discover that baby Lexi has... A RASH! DUN DUN DUN!

Cluck, cluck, cluck goes Phil! It's all Lola's fault and as she "messed up" he's going to do it BY THE BOOK! To further increase the chances of Lola being pecked to death by Walford's broodiest Mitchell, apparently the cause of the rash was down to the coconut balm Lola put on at salon. Wasn't that yesterday? And didn't Phil JUST put her to sleep? So this rash waited a whole day and then just materialises in the two minutes she's alone... that's one precision allergic reaction or possibly the Crayon Crew are taking a shot at the Copenhagen Interpretation of quantum physics...

And apparently Peggy isn't coming to the christening. Surely not! Next you'll be saying Grant isn't going to be there either! Peggy's non-appearance is explained by her disdain for Sharon... Phil makes sure to express his contempt for Billy Idiot and Poxy... something people should really do more often.

All it took was a word from Sharon for Phil to go and apologise to Lola though and everything is all sorted... the most notable thing about the scene though is that Billy, Cora and Jay are all sitting there waiting... It felt as if the scene was missing Phil entering the room and saying "You're probably wondering why I've gathered you all here." Then it's off to the Vic for a drink!

AJ and Zainab are now pretending to get along to get Masood off their backs - Zainab requires him to get Geordie Racer and Tamwar to hook-up and also to make their New Year's Eve party the "party of the century"... despite the fact it's presumably going to be dry and the quintessential Western tradition of New Years Eve is drunken revelry... Could hilarity ensue? No. No it could not. You'd do better to buy lottery tickets.

How is AJ going to make this party better? In the least responsible way possible, of course! By spiking the punch! While it's established that AJ is clearly not a practising Muslim AND is rather mischievous - given that  he's in a household that ARE practising Muslims who are avowedly teatotal (not to mention the fact he's trying to win Zainab over so he can stay there) isn't there something profoundly wrong with this situation? 

Now, of course the desired reaction from the audience is going to be "HAHAHA! Look at all these people who have unwittingly become intoxicated!" but any real examination of the issue should make people feel deeply uncomfortable. Regardless of what one thinks of the Islamic prohibition of alcohol, one does not need to respect the belief to respect the person's right to adhere to it. This might seem trivial but that is likely because we have a society in which drinking is considered to be the norm if AJ were to spike the punch with MDMA or LSD, would it be viewed as quite so hilarious?

That moral quandary aside - thought you should think about it - Denise and Kim turn up in fancy dress. Oh, how we laughed... and of course, Kim and Patrick have snuck booze in... Really, it makes you wonder why the Masoods don't just let people drink openly at their party... it's not as if they have to partake. Oh and to build up the budding romance between Denise and Ian - she's dressed as Princess Leia and Squealy Bealy as Mr. Spock.

Shirley turns up to the party drunk and loading food up into a hankerchief like some kind of cartoon hobo... Oh no, SHE'S BECOMING A TRAMPOID! SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD! SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! Ahem... Geordie Racer comments that she's "never been to a party like this before" as Shirley makes off with her haul of food.

Zainab is upset by this and starts going round the room like some painfully unfunny sitcom character insisting people have MORE FUN! And people say that Eastenders is too gritty and depressing... Oh, wait - they're probably talking about the soul crushing depression and existential despair that it causes and they're right - this is like looking into the abyss and it looking back into you.

The Trumans, AJ and Ian are all drinking the punch in the back - more hints of the chemistry between Ian and Denise... Although, they missed a great opportunity to have people chanting "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" to make this feel like the rejected script to an American teen comedy that it so clearly trying to be.

Goodness, what's that? Geordie Racer has gotten drunk?! Who could have foreseen this unlikely turn of events?! Tamwar stands around looking no more or less gormless than usual as Geordie Racer flirts with him. Zainab then pulls AJ outside to show him Geordie Racer and Tamwar sitting next to each other on the wall, thinking that they're now all romantic... missing Geordie Racer having the obligatory drunken vomit. Which causes Tamwar to look considerably more gormless than usual. A seven... maybe a seven and a half. Just remember that like the Richter scale, the Tamwar gormless scale is exponential.

To make sure the audience also has difficulty in keeping their dinner in the digestive tracts, the prospect of Pointless Poppy and Arfuuuuuuur doing the "hokey kokey" is raised. It's almost as if the Crayon Crew are trying to deep seated psychological issues in the British public.

Masood does the announcement thing that causes the music to magically go quiet and everyone to hush... to reveal  that their wedding is now booked. FOR VALENTINE'S DAY! And as they bring in the New Year for no reason at all, Patrick announces it was the best party ever. Maybe someone did spike the punch with MDMA.

To ensure Bianca's cup of misery runneth over the police arrive and she has to explain that Derek had a load of dodgy stuff in the garage that magically materialised next to their house that apparently nobody EVER LOOKS IN. Misery Guts Carol is on hand to look glum but Bianca assures her that Liam didn't move the stuff as he swore to her. Cut to Liam in an alleyway, getting wads of notes from someone stuffing a bag into his jacket. DOHOHO!

Then it's straight to Bianca and Misery Guts giving Liam the third degree. Misery Guts Carol actually talks about her brother being in prison for most of his life... perhaps you should remind Jacknocchio and Scotch Egg about the fact the Hogfather was such a ne'er do well, they seem to have completely forgotten they were both about ready to kill him themselves before fate intervened.

So, after Misery Guts Carol's emotional accounting (actually, shopping lists have been read with more emotion) of the heartbreak Derek caused, what does Liam do? Swears on his mother's life he doesn't know where the stuff is. DOHOHO!

Bianca and Misery Guts Carol are talking about Liam as he listens in on the stairs and they say he's a good boy - which is apparently sufficient inducement for him to leave his life of crime and reveal to us that Count Moonula was apparently in on this! Not just that but he has opened the box full of forged banknotes! As if that's not enough excitement for you, Half-Day Alice comes to join the fun.

Sharon and Jacknocchio reconcile - thank goodness for that! We wouldn't want the romance of the century being derailed! Apparently she has got someone on to cover for her because it's not as if being the manager of a club entails any work, especially at this time of year. Sharon also seems to have taken an immediate dislike to Secret Wife... and then flirts with Jacknocchio in a way that would cause most men to eject the contents of their stomachs.

Sharon gives Phil a peck on the cheek for his apparent reconciliation with Lola, leading to a dirty look from Jacknocchio, followed by what could be a devious smirk on Phil's face! What could that mean? No need to worry about subtext because Phil's New Year's resolution is to make sure Sharon is his by the end of next year! See, a lot of people undertaking a plan to steal away someone's partner would want to keep it to themselves but Phil knows better! The mind of a criminal genius at work!

Kat turns up looking like a basted turkey to go and see Tommy. This allows her to be JUST in time for her to overhear Alfie inviting Poxy to move in with him... and Poxy - despite having said just yesterday (or whenever it was) that they should take it slow, she immediately agrees and they kiss, leaving Kat to slink out the Vic as if she just soiled herself.

Thursday 27th December 2012

Everything is all DARK AND MYSTERIOUS as a cloaked figure that escaped from a Star Wars prequel stalks the Square, he then lets himself into the Masood house and slips upstairs and sits down on the bed that is occupied by Geordie Masood who immediately starts screaming, causing Masood Masood to burst in and wrestle the Sith lord to the ground. Oh, wait - it's just AJ! HOHOHO!

Zainab then demands AJ apologises to Geordie Racer - oh and apparently AJ left but now he's back. So begins the comic hijinks of AJ regaining a place in the house... make sure you've strapped yourself into a corset, lest your sides split with laughter.

AJ goes to the Vic for a quiet pint and comments on how quiet it is. Then - and make sure to tighten that corset - he asks if someone died! HOHOHO! Oh, people around the nation will surely be choking on their howls of laughter when Alfie replies that someone did die! Then to make this comedy gold even better, he starts trash talking (or more accurately, summarising to a tee Derek's winning personality) the 1950s wannabe gangsta when Scotch Egg and Jacknocchio are within earshot!

Zainab is going on about what a liability AJ is when Patrick warns them about AJ being in trouble - forcing Masood to drag him out of the Vic before he gets lynched. DOHOHOHO! Masood is then able to explain to Geordie Racer that this isn't even REAL arguing! Apparently all of this can be resolved by Masood raising his voice though.

Tanya is cancelling her honeymoon while Max sleeps on the sofa - DUE TO UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES! Abi asks Lauren if their family can survive the latest idiocy of their Scotch Egg of a father but apparently despite repeated infidelity on both sides, the sudden and violent death of Bradley, the chronic health problems of forgotten Jim and the small matter of Tanya trying to bury Max alive - this, THIS is what's going to push them past the point of no return.

The earthbound avatar of misery - better known as Carol - tells Bianca to put a smile back on the kids faces... A good start to that would be throwing yourself into a furnace, Carol. She goes to see Half-Day Alice - who was earlier sitting alone in a darkened room - and tries to cheer her up... that's like an ocean trying to help a puddle dry out but she immediately gives up on that... it's for the best.

Tanya is not best pleased about the fact Max changed their honeymoon into a cheap and cheerful trip to Spain - perhaps he should mention that was to pay-off the Secret Wife to curry favour? Jacknocchio and Misery Guts come around to discuss the funeral of the Hogfather. Jack in a rare moment of clarity points out people will be gloating at Derek's death - it's surprising there isn't a party going on already. Jack seems fine with paying for the funeral though - clearly owning an empty warehouse is a profitable endeavour in Walford!

Apparently Tanya is of the same opinion as Lauren about the family and spying on Secret Wife and she's going to sort her out! Which involves trying to quiz Kim at the B&B - Jedi mind tricks don't work on someone that doesn't have a mind, Tanya. This is another incident where the writing is so trite and clichéd that the Crayon Crew feel the need for the characters to actually out and out say "This is trite and clichéd " as Secret Wife says "Have you come to run me out of town." Come on! A seven year old would roll their eyes at that!

The Secret Wife isn't going to make things easy for Tanya though. She's going to take her to the bank. THE BLOOD BANK! No, this episode wishes it could come up with a line that ridiculous. Tanya isn't scared of Secret Wife though! So, she's just going to live in the B&B until she gets Max back... that's the gritty realism that makes Eastenders so compelling! The fact people can just up and leave their life behind and instantly relocate despite the fact they're barely above the poverty line at the best of times.

So apparently talking to the Secret Wife - which involved telling her about how Max is a lying cheating scumbag who habitually sleeps with gutter sluts - has convinced Tanya that it's time to give Max a second chance! Oh and Secret Wife walks into a job at the Vic - a full shift there would probably just about cover a day at the B&B. Just kidding - it wouldn't even cover that.

Bianca begins Operation: Cheer Up The Kids... the only problem? She's Bianca and hence has no money. So, after just saying they can't afford to spend money she decides they'll cook... even though they have no food and no money to buy food - which leads to her asking Tyler if he has any stock left... so, if they're going to sell that to pay for the food, why is the lack of money an issue? Oh, right - idiocy.

So, after about five minutes of work the children return with sufficient ingredients for the cooking... This is mere moments after we saw the kids "carolling" and Bianca/Twitney working the stall... how, why... unless you've got yourself plumbed into a distillery, let's just roll with it.

Brace yourself for more hilarity as everything goes HORRIBLY WRONG! Despite the fact all of thirty seconds has passed, they've somehow prepared a very badly made cake (which gets knocked to the floor) AND managed to burn  the ribs... luckily, Liam (who has had a cap-ectomy) is there to offer to buy lunch from absolutely-not-KFC.

Twitney prefers chicken anyway! Phew! But then Ray turns up to bake a cake... and he presumably remembered that Morgan was his long lost son too. He bought him a PSP and everything. Ray is magically able to conjure an obviously store bought cake from thin air and we get some revelation about the fact Morgan already had games for the PSP... which leads to Bianca finding Derek's secret shed of dodgy gear!

Bianca isn't exactly happy about this but Tyler has been in on it for a while and it's apparently worth several thousand pounnddddsssssaaa. We're supposed to believe there's some kind of moral conundrum for Bianca though, which is a joke - everyone on the Square is up to their neck in something illegal and it has been a running theme for Bianca since her return that the bills, they keep on coming. Hammered home again as we see her looking at bills before and after this revelation... why are they making this feel as if it would be a hard choice for her? It wouldn't be, she's not law abiding citizen who baulks at the idea of jaywalking - she's an impulsive, stupid and desperate mother of dozens who lives below the poverty line and has just been gifted mana from heaven.

Bianca goes to talk about this stuff with Jacknocchio and he takes the shocking step of suggesting that they could tell the police - luckily, Bianca decides to just prise the gifts from her children's hands. Liam is apparently not pleased and tries to sell the gear right in front of his house! Bianca is not best pleased at this and goes to the fuzz but DUN DUN DUN! When she opens the garage, it's... EMPTY! ONOES!

Lola drops into the caaaaaaaaafffffffffff and finds out that Phil's diabolical machinations have escalated to buying Lexi a nice (and expensive) christening dress and he's arranging it all for her. That BASTARD! Lola then decides that she'll choose the godparents but SURPRISE! Phil has already chosen Grant and Peggy - coz they're FAMMMMMMLEEEEEEEEEEEE but fear not Lola, Billy Idiot has an idea... best keep her away from sharp objects.

The genius idea  is that if Lola is to have the banished Mitchells as Lexi's godparents, then she gets to spend time alone with her baby... as this is an entirely reasonable request from the child's mother - Phil INSTANTLY starts shouting because shouting equals DRAMA! He's remarkably recalcitrant about this trifling concession...

Apparently this leads to good luck for both Billy Idiot (who wins on a horse) and Lola (who gets some work at the salon) but Shirley is not so lucky. She needs a job. What? Really?! She hasn't had any visible means of support in years and she just NOW needs a job... but then Lola say she won't get one "looking like that", which causes some offence... Presumably the fact that mirrors crack just from having her near them didn't clue Shirley in to the state of her looks but Pointless Poppy knows of a job going... see! Oh, it's at definitely-probably-not-KFC! Seems a bit dangerous, Shirley - they might try and stick you in the oven.

Oh and Phil goes nanners because Lexi isn't back on time. He's very hands on, isn't he?

Patrick hands a fistful of notes to Jay because times are tough - which is why he's able to give him money despite being a pensioner... Jay bemoans the lack of work. That's a joke - the time between jobs in Walford is measured in hours. He then has to listen to Denise moan about doing Kim's job for her... why is she doing that? Later on, even Denise asks why she's doing Kim's job for her - NO ANSWER! Oh and Patrick wants Denise to find a man.

Pointless Poppy is wafting around the Square and hears tell of Zainab's "party of the century". Zainab is spending the day with AJ - who was able to walk back into his job at the Arches... It's a miracle Phil even remembers that he owns the place. Then for the sake of additional hilarity, AJ needs her help to finish a job! PRONTO!

The only client in the Arches for the past decade actually turns up as Zainab is thrashing the engine - he's not best pleased and immediately starts shouting the odds. Remember - shouting equals drama! Fortunately, the plot contrives to give Zainab the opportunity to blackmail  this customer into not wanting  his car ready. Which means it's time to prepare for... THE PARTY OF THE CENTURY! Oh and Zainab wants to hook up Geordie Racer and Tamwar.

Wednesday 26th December 2012

Everyone has gathered to sit quietly, reflecting on the death of Derek - presumably because they're all laughed out at his hilarious death scene. The secret wife comes to visit Max. Then Carol pretends that she actually had a brother she hadn't even mentioned until he turned up on the Square and apparently there is a public outpouring of grief as the Branning family stand by where the Hogfather of crime met his comedic end.

Max, Jack, Joey and Kat all stand around in the rain to "get their story straight". Isn't that generally only necessary in a situation where you've done something untoward? Perhaps dishonesty is just such a reflex for Homo Walfordus that it takes a conscious effort to tell the truth? Besides, if there WAS foul play involved it would almost certainly be revealed in an autopsy.

For no apparent reason, they start feeding the police some fiction about how it was a happy Christmas affair and then Derek collapsed dead... because that's not going to fall apart under the most cursory of cross-examination... still, a flimsily constructed lie that will collapse under the slightest scrutiny - it's what Derek would want.

As something miserable has happened, Carol is on hand to be a cloud of  human misery and feels it necessary to diminish the joy of Derek's timely demise by mentioning her dead son. So good of you to remember, Carol! It's not as if Jack who you're talking to tragically lost a son in even WORSE circumstances OH! WAIT! HE DID! So did Max for that matter. Anyway, to ensure her monopoly on misery continues Carol is off to arrange the funeral - there is presumably only so long the bloated corpse of Derek can reasonably be expected to not explode due to the volatile chemicals in his body and hair combining. Oh and she throws in a line about burying their kids - yeah, way to lighten the mood misery guts.

For no discernible reason, Poxy has stayed the night at the Vic (with Alfie on the coach). She's unalarmed by her daughter is ACTUALLY TALKING! Then Jean is blathering on about how Alfie rushes into things and as there aren't enough lines for her and Mo - it's Mo that finishes off the bit about Kat barely being gone... After Poxy has been warned off, Alfie pops his head in to be told everyone is getting on JUST FINE!

Even the dim witted Poxy has to tell the flirty Alfie to back off because he's rushing into things. Wow, you know you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic when you've got Poxy telling you what you're doing is stupid! Apparently Poxy is keeping him sane though... wow, that makes the prospect of his insanity truly terrifying.

Kim has so little brain, she apparently slept through Christmas - oh... the hilarity. Then she can't say rohypnol and Patrick appears from... wherever he disappeared to this time. Then to increase the hilarity THE MASOODS ARRIVE! Oh, comedy gold will surely ensue! Assuming that the Crayon Crew have the ability to transmute lead into gold.

Kim storms off because Christmas is ruined - is it too late for us to get another Christmas present in the form of her death? - and then turns up in the Vic to moan about Christmas being ruined to the Secret Wife. Then she tells Poxy that Kat and Alfie have a "connection innit". Where's a serial killer when you need one?

Anyway the laughathon at the B&B continues with everyone feeling that the sudden death of Derek is a time for everyone to remember those closest to them... prompting Masood to start saying things so trite and clichéd that even the Crayon Crew feel a need to draw attention to the fact that even in a show riddled with barrel scraping, that this is worthy of acknowledgement as bad. So proudly bad that Patrick remembers that Denise has two daughters! Just as well he did because she never shows  any signs of recalling that.

The still sullen Kim returns, moping about how she's going to bed but Denise has equipped people with party poppers and put on a certain season relevant Slade song and that's apparently enough for her to be joyful... It seems like a lot of effort to go to, jangling a set of keys in front of her would have had the same effect... oh and Zainab says they're having New Years at their house before they all start throwing packing foam at each other... OK...

Tanya is confused by the whole Secret Wife thing and had apparently expected a Christmas free of dramas... you had about thirty people at your house. You're lucky there wasn't a riot! The Secret Wife and Derek dead... that pretty much evens out for you! Besides, surely Tanya can't be stupid enough to think that Scotch Egg is going to do anything other than cheat on her again? But no, Tanya apparently expected no secrets and lies - would even Kim be that stupid? Then Cora tells her to buck up her ideas and stop the Secret Wife from getting her claws into Max because Max is SUCH a catch.

Meanwhile, Secret Wife is getting her claws into Max! She really needs to get her roots done! Then she runs up to talk to Abi for some reason but fortunately Cora is there to gnash her teeth. Then Tanya takes over and offers Secret Wife an ULTIMATUM! Leave of your own free will or she'll make you leave! DUN DUN DUN!

Half-Day Alice - who was rendered mute until now but who would notice? - and Joey have a talk and Alice accuses him of being glad their father is dead... why wouldn't he be? They should be having a big party! Oh and then she says he's responsible for Derek's death and one of the most pathetic "GER OUT!" performances ever. She's aware that it was terrible and breaks down sobbing.

Lauren tries to cheer the Hogson up but apparently he's very upset by the death of the father he had cultivated an intense hatred of. That's such a cliché. It would have been far more interesting if Joey had been actually HAPPY to see his father die and far more original.

Max, Jacknocchio and Misery Guts go to see Derek's rotting carcass. Naturally, Carol can't wait for an opportunity to feast on the misery but Max is - for some reason - somewhat reluctant...

Tuesday 25th December 2012

Hold on tight everyone it's tight for a DOUBLE HELPING of Britain's most MISERABLE CHRISTMAS SHOW!

Max hides the ring for Tanya (who he is planning on marrying on CHRISTMAS DAY - without having told her) in typical soap fashion and then assures her that they just have to suffer one more day of Derek... could that be... FORESHADOWING?!

Kat continues to look so rough that it looks as if she's been sleeping on the streets and Derek is apparently filled with the Christmas spirit... sufficient to wind up Jacknocchio and then converse with whoever is involved with the SECRET SECRET... will it be hired goons, will it be a secret family or did Max join a secret society of Morris Dancers?

Kat looks all teary as she hands Tommy over to Jean... are we  supposed to care about a woman that even Saint Alfie of Walford can't stand the sight of? Christmas is apparently enough for the various hidden children to be recalled from their 24-hour boarding crèches/schools... goodness. Home for one day a year - that's pretty harsh! Oh and Poxy's progeny despite being what... four or five? Still apparently mute. Perhaps she has learned the greatest lesson Walford has to teach - better to say nothing and let people think you a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Poxy, despite having had months to reconcile herself with the fact that she and Alfie weren't going to happen is apparently wasting no time, flirting up a storm with him. Real classy. Then Saint Alfie of Walford instructs everyone to don coats because a struggling publican like him can afford to arrange another of his patented CHRISTMAS MIRACLES! Although, at least this time it's just Alfie risking life and limb to put snow off the roof.

The Branning brood has collected together... where's a well placed de-orbiting satellite or rogue asteroid when you need one? Derek keeps going on about being "head of the family", is this his new catch phrase or is it like smelling toast and sign of an imminent stroke? He's not really mentioned it much and yet in the past week it seems to have become a mantra... someone should ask him if he's smelling burnt toast.

The extended Branning clan is addressed by the Hogfather, who delights in making some rather obvious slights about Lauren's crash before proposing a toast to everyone - especially Kat! Oh and the crackers are pulled and everything goes everywhere... the fact Max's ring could be easily mistaken for one from a cracker is likely to play no part in the upcoming storyline though, why even bring it up, eh?

Derek seems to getting drunk and is already controlling Kat... but then, as she's acting like a robot he could just assume that's part of her programming... He should probably send her back and get a refund. He also instructs Tanya to make Kat feel part of the family... how? Perhaps they can conspire to bury the Hogfather alive? That would be a good bonding experience.

Joey appears, apparently at Max's behest, just to cheer up Lauren... wow, he came to terms with that incredibly quickly... eh, if someone can marry the person that killed their fiancée within a year, this is pretty plausible by comparison. Max is just concerned with Lauren's happiness though and so the drunken Derek comes to tell him he's not all that. To whit Max replies that none of their family love him and he'll be glad to see the back of him.

What is Derek's riposte? OH! THE SECRET SECRET! Seriously, there should be some kind of drinking game for Derek's blackmail threats - although, it's unlikely anyone would survive. Jacknocchio walks in and the two agree that they'd just get Derek sent back inside... so, they've actually remembered that Derek is supposed to be on probation - seems like they'd forgotten.

He blubs to Carol about how terrible his life is and how Kat and Alice are his FAAAMMMMMMLEEEEE! Then he goes to talk to Kat in the toilet, tells her he loves her and that she means more to him than anything in the world - not forgetting to add in plenty of lies about Alfie. He then offers to whisk her and Tommy away to Mexico to live... this is definitely sounding like a prelude to Kat ending up in a shallow grave. More like a prelude to an episode of Cracker than a love story.

Max dresses  up as Santa on meth and tells Derek he's been a "very naughty boy" but surely, the joke is about to be on Scotch Egg as a mysterious car pulls up outside the Branning residence! OHOH! Just as Tanya opens a wedding dress, the doorbell rings! Could it be? Could this be the revelation of... THE SECRET SECRET!? Nope! FAKE OUT! It's dial-a-registrar!

So, somehow Max was able to get both a dress AND a registrar the day before Christmas? Eh, the guy managed to cure Jacknocchio's paralysis with orange juice... so, this is probably well within the scope of his powers... Tanya also seems thrilled at an impromptu no frills service in her own home... not exactly a dream wedding, is it?

Ohoh, here comes ANOTHER MYSTERIOUS CAR! Just as Tanya comes down the stairs having prepared for her wedding in about two minutes and the doorbell rings! It's... A SECRET WIFE! Who makes quite the point of saying that she's his lawful wife to all and sundry... This seems to happen a lot in Eastenders, people trying to get married without having had their previous marriages dissolved are they unaware that bigamy is a crime or do they just really hate paperwork?

So, showdown with secret wife... apparently Max swept her off her feet (there goes the suspension of disbelief!), they were married and then when he found out about Tanya's cancer flu, instead of explaining this situation to her... he just disappeared. The secret wife even points out that a better way of dealing with this would have been TALKING TO HER, rather than stuffing envelopes of cash through the door. That makes sense.

After Poxy showing just what kind of a woman she is by professing her love to the heartbroken and emotionally vulnerable Alfie (something that would garner active hatred if the sexes were swapped - go double standards!), Kat arrives to pick up Tommy and what's this?! Derek's masterful deceit has fallen apart?! AGAIN?! Derek's deceptions have all the subtlety and nuance of a seven year old with hands covered in paint standing next to a wall covered in handprints going "It wasn't me."

Seriously, every single one of his lies seems to rely absolutely on people trusting him entirely and... that's just not a particularly good way to go about constructing a web of lies, especially when you're a career criminal who has repeatedly been caught in lies anyway. Despite this revelation though, Alfie has apparently decided that he's got enough credits for a post-humous sainthood now and that he's going to give up on Kat, saying he's "moved on", giving a look to Poxy. Really? REALLY?! Kat does what any reasonable person would - she goes outside and does some dry heaving.

Back at the ol' Branning place, Tanya is using the demon drink to keep her nerves at bay while her husband and his secret wife have a tête-a-tête in her bedroom. Then in another fine example of Derek's mastery of dissembling, Max finds out that his bruv didn't give the two grand to the secret wife and the secret wife reveals that she had a baby (but lost it)... and Derek was supposed to have told Max. Which led to the secret wife having an abortion because of Derek's porkies. Oh and the secret wife still loves Scotch Egg.

After that little confession, it's time for Tanya to come in (having sent everyone home). Predictable bland exchange between the two women, and then it's time for Tanya and Max to have a predictable bland exchange! Apparently Max married his secret wife just to prove that he loved her... that sounds like a dare gone wrong. To sum up the overly long scene - it looks as if Tanya is going to forgive Max but then she doesn't.

To end the tedium of another Max/Tanya conversation, we have Kat come a callin' and her sorrow has  turned to anger as she confronts Derek - who has magically sobered up! She comes looking for the messages but guess what?! HE DELETED THEM! Derek tries to talk her around on Mexico but Kat has apparently stopped being a robot and points out that he can't make her... which leads to the surreal scene of him insisting she put her coat on, before insisting he can be very persuasive... and again, it feels as if we've got a storyline that was going to involve sexual assualt and murder when Derek shouts "PUT YOUR COAT ON!" apparently having forgotten that he's in a house full of people. Yes, Derek - very persuasive.

Max and Jacknocchio burst in and a predictable altercation ensues with Max saying he's going to kill Derek... and then in possibly the most laughable rebuttal in recent memory, the Hogfather declares that Max is the runt of the litter. People in glasses houses, Derek. Oh and then he goes off about being head of the family again - smelling any burning toast, Derek?

In fact, it's pretty clear that something in Derek's tiny brain is broken because he's talking about "his Kat" and "his Tommy" when it's pretty clear Kat would have preferred to be next to an open sewer... Such is his delusion, he tries to haul her out of the house  - at which point  there's quite the ruck as Jacknocchio and Joey  heave him out onto the street, presumably before he starts foaming at the mouth and starts making a mess of the carpet.

Threats of vengeance against all of them and their kin for a hundred generations barely off his lips, Derek has the most hilarious case of sudden onset death syndrome that renders him dead in about thirty seconds... He was definitely smelling toast then. Although, to be fair - it looks as if he'd had a few antacids, he'd have been fine.

Monday 24th December 2012

Max awakes to the aftermath of Lauren's destruction and the rest of the family then assemble to discuss what they're going to do. It seems that once again, Lauren's oft forgotten drinking problem has become serious - serious enough to warrant the cancellation of the wedding and the reference to the almost totally forgotten Billy, who died of alcohol poisoning.

So, the wedding is to be cancelled at the eleventh hour... goodness, let's hope there isn't some CRAZY scheme to get the wedding done at the last minute! Lauren attempts to make amends for her mega-tantrum - oh, come on on Lauren! Don't be so hard on yourself, the last time you did it you were another person! Dohohoho.

Arfuuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy talk about Christmas plans (with obvious foreshadowing of Arfuuuuur's miserable Christmas alone). Then we cut back to the entirely forgettable competition between Arfuuuuuur and  the remaining Goony brother - which Arfuuuuuuur is apparently losing badly. Cue the woman without a brain, Kim to come to his assistance WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS.

Actually, that's just what the Crayon Crew probably write next to all of her storylines in the vague hope that one day they won't be soul crushingly awful. Her idea to help Arfuuuuuuur is "sex", which apparently involves her dressing like a prostitute. As this is Walford, this somehow seems to attract people's attention. This causes the Goony to retaliate by striping down to Christmas underwear - which is apparently a big draw... OK.

Billy Idiot has returned for a FAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMLEEEE Christmas but  ZE SOCIAL is - according to Phil and thus, the writers - sufficiently spiteful and/or incompetent to not be able to facilitate such a happy event. Billy Idiot and Lola go to Phil's, all glum and Phil's place looks rather sparse but apparently Phil is an elaborate practical joker as he has put ALL his Christmas stuff behind a sliding door and he has Lexi... that seems a lot of effort to go to for just the two of them...

Kat - looking rougher than usual - wakes up to the even ugly reality of Derek, who is now trying to convince her that she and Tommy will make a fine addition to his FAMMMMMLEEEEE. What's next? He's going to break her leg and start looking after her a la Misery?

Poxy tries to convince Alfie not to open up but extraordinarily he actually says they need the business. That's a first! Then they see the blubbering Jean who is inconsolable due to Kat's betrayal but she is a mad woman, so Poxy distracts her with some words and she's right as rain! Then she's delegated to deliver Tommy to Kat. This allows her and Mo ample opportunity to express their shame, disappointment and anger.

Kat gets a frosty reception walking down the street with Tommy and then bumps into Alfie and Poxy. Kat is apparently taking him to see Santa, she thrust Tommy into Alfie's arms and this leads to a meaningful exchange of stares between Kat and Poxy. GRIPING! Alfie then tries to give tearful farewells to his son and then Kat half-heartedly asks about the voice message. You've got to try harder than that!

Criminal mastermind Derek sneaks back to his house, sits down after having shouted "Kat!" once in a room with the door open, before removing a large box to inspect his secret stash of items for his diabolical schemes! Not only is that something someone he could find easily, he KNOWS that the police like to raid his house! Apparently after this criminal plotting though, he gets straight to cooking.

Night falls (although, for once an appreciable amount of time seems to have passed) and we have Alfie in the pub and everyone is all hushed when they see him... that's not going to make an awkward situation more awkward or anything! The bet is remembered and the fact that the wager is between Alfie and Derek is mentioned... something that would have struggled to be interesting even if the Phantom Shagger plot had been done differently. Clearly in denial of his feelings, Alfie urges everyone not to be miserable but then perversely gets Kim (still dressed like a whore) to sing to them... that's surely a violation of the Geneva Convention!

Shirley having reappeared, steps outside and talks to Kat who was apparently just lurking by the exit of the Vic with Tommy, waiting for someone to come out and give her some trite advice before Derek comes to retrieve her.

Derek stops by to give Max some pigs in blankets (fifty four, if you were curious) and somewhat predictably, yet another one of Derek's laughable little deceptions collapses in on itself after the most cursory inspection... Max is not best pleased by the Hogfather's hamfisted machinations  and says Derek is not longer welcome in his house, predictably Hogfather INSTANTLY leaps to his blackmail gambit... in fact, he's not content for just one. He doubles down and goes for the Lauren in jail AND the SECRET SECRET. Seriously, Derek - you do this EVERYTIME. Talk about leaving yourself nowhere to go...

Poxy starts making googly eyes at Alfie despite the fact the guy is an emotional basket case who looks about half a step away from an Ian Beale trampoid meltdown - although the only lasting side effect of that is apparently the substantial weight gain but no doubt the fact the bet betwixt Derek and Alfie was rigged by the Goony brother will keep him happy a little longer!

Arfuuuuur is surprised by Pointless Poppy and they're going to spend Christmas together and are now "going steady". This is before Alfie calls time but he's just messing with people because apparently, they're going to have... A LOCK-IN! Those always go so well!

Kat looks out across the Square, forlornly at the Vic and fortunately - Alfie has the exact same idea! If only there was some way people come communicate at distance! Then Derek waddles in to put an arm around her and it's Alfie's turn to give a meaningful stare off into the distance - who does he think he is, Brian  Cox?

The Brannings are preparing for Christmas, as Max is apparently going to marry Tanya on Christmas day - unaware of the TERRIBLE HORRORS THAT AWAIT THEM! As Derek has apparently informed the goons involved in the SECRET SECRET the location of Max... uh... Max is a business owner, London is a big city but come on - how hard can it be to find someone with a business?!

Friday 21st December 2012

Derek Branning - Walford's Hogfather of crime - is sitting in the Vic, radiating smug while everyone dutifully plays statues again. Alfie storms off behind the bar, followed by Kat and asks how she could be so sick and twisted as to cheat on him with Derek... yikes! Still, a pretty valid question or at least it would be if we hadn't already established that Kat is looked down on by rutting alleycats for her undiscerning promiscuity.

Alfie shouts because shouting equals ACTING! That's not quite enough ACTING though and so, he has to push her through the doors back out into the Vic (despite her pleading) and then through the pub out into the still ongoing German fair while Kat blubbers. Then he goes back  into the Vic, everyone STILL frozen in place and utterly silent.

The Hogfather gets up and slowly puts on his overcoat while giving a meaningful glower toward Alfie, who makes his way through the still inanimate proles... perhaps someone just turned they're playing a game and they're actually just waiting for someone to turn the music back on or something? Alfie makes his way over to Derek who turns around casually, tells the assorted Brannings he'll see them at the wedding and then is on his merry way after giving Alfie another glower. Why exactly is he glowering at Alfie? Are we going to get some ridiculous situation where Derek proclaims to be the person Kat deserves? Bleugh.

Derek sees Kat and is all smiles and sunshine, telling her that he'll look after her but perhaps able to see him in adequate lighting conditions she doesn't seem overly keen on the prospect of that help and cries out for Alfie, prompting Derek to say "He can't hear you." First off - given the fact pretty much everyone in the Vic seems to have struck dumb, Kat has a voice comparable in volume to a fog horn and is standing just a few steps from the door, that's nonse. Secondly - could that sound ANY more rapey? Seriously, are we just building up to the revelation that Derek went to jail for a series of sex offences? It would fit RIGHT in with how stalkerish and downright creepy this storyline has been...

Back in the Vic, Alfie does the predictable "I don't need your help!" and throws the Brannings out, before going off on a tirade at the assorted pond scum of Walford, punctuated by smashing glasses and "GET OUT OF MY PUB!" Pfft, not a patch on Peggy - she could do it better in her sleep... You'd see people put more feeling into their orders a fast food restaurant.

For some reason this situation  prompts Half-Day Alice to start blubbering. Uh... why? The Hogfather looked pretty pleased at how things turned out! Oh, right  - this seems to be a way of making sure she doesn't go back to her father's place... pfft! As if Half-Day Alice could actually be involved in anything even vaguely interesting, she's like Middas, except everything she touches turns to dull!

Lauren - having once again remembered she has an alcohol problem - is drunk and has been threatening to reveal some of the skeletons in her mother's closet and when her father is his usual grating self, she has had enough and decides  to come clean about the car crash - how Joey took the fall for her because she had been drinking and how Tanya knew about it but didn't tell Max because Lauren was sleeping with Joey! DUN DUN DUN!

Max isn't too happy about this revelation as Lauren stands in the background with a bottle of vodka that teleported into her hand. Tanya gives her a slap because it's Christmas time! Lauren then goes on to say she hates her mother because she knows that she told Joey to go away, which makes Tanya let slip that Joey loved her and that was why he left. Despite her pathetic attempt to play dumb (followed by the most obvious guilty face ever), Lauren is able to work out that she knows something... proving that a thoroughly intoxicated teenager is orders of magnitude more intelligent than Alfie.

As her mother fails to answer her, Lauren takes some drastic measures and takes the wedding dress hostage! This is apparently a good tactic because Tanya almost immediately spills her guts about how this was all down to the Hogfather's machinations. Which she then follows up by shouting, tearing the dress, knocking the conveniently place wedding cake to the ground and falling to the ground and vomiting... What does she do for an encore?!

For about the seventeenth time this year, Max is about ready to go round and beat some sense into his brother but Tanya points out that Derek could still call the police and this would somehow result in Lauren going to jail, despite the fact there's almost certainly no material evidence left and he'd STILL BE SAYING HE SUBMITTED A FALSE ACCIDENT REPORT! WHICH IS A CRIME! Or have they forgotten that he's supposed to be worried about getting sent back to jail? Oh, wait - that happened constantly even when they DID remember. Still, Tanya tells Max that he's just going to have to stomach it.

At Derek's flat - Derek has turned the creepy rapey factor up to around a seven, there's plenty of room for it to get more skin crawling, folks! The real question is whether Derek is supposed to be coming off as a sex offender? The one thing he definitely isn't coming off as, is someone a conscious and sane woman would want to be in the same room as - let alone have consensual sex with... but then Kat isn't exactly sane.

Apparently, even Kat isn't capable of falling for Derek's as yet unidentified charms as she says again that she isn't in love with him and still loves Alfie - even if he doesn't believe her. Kat realises that she sent a message to Derek saying it was over and goes searching for Derek's phone, he tells her he deletes his messages... only for Kat to find he has kept ALL OF THEM! Nothing creepy about that or the fact he then adds that he likes to hear the sound of Kat's voice... Oh and Kat is instantly able to find the message she was talking about. What are the chances?!

She says she's going to show Alfie the recording, followed by a menacing and very rapey "You can't." from the Hogfather... yeah, this storyline is about on course for the best Christmas Walford ever had... Apparently, this is just him trying to convince her this is a bad idea though. Kat doesn't buy into this though and says she still wants to make a go of it with Alfie, which prompts the Hogfather to say that HE'LL go over and talk to Alfie. On his own... because someone with a reputation for manipulation (albeit some of the most ham-fisted, self-defeating manipulation seen outside of the playground) is exactly who you want in a situation where they have a vested interest in things going their way.

Kat even asks why he'd do it for her... perhaps not realising the obvious idiocy of handing over the ONE recording that proves you at least TRIED to get Derek to back-off but she's so stupid that she buys into the transparent lies of a pathological liar and career criminal. Although, if she wasn't intensely stupid - she wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

At the Vic, there came a rapping, as if someone came a tapping - it's Derek! Apparently the less than twenty minutes that has passed (possibly closer to ten?) has been enough for the Vic to look as good as new. As one might expect, Alfie isn't exactly back to cheeky chappy yet. We get the bit where it seems as if Derek is being all sincere and wants to mend the fence.

BUT WHAT'S THIS?! He's played a message where Kat is going on about her lust for Derek and he then goes on to tell Alfie that she's been calling him day and night. CURSE YOUR SUDDEN YET INEVITABLE BETRAYAL, HOGFATHER! If you didn't see that coming - you're blind. Then there's a friendly punch in the face for Derek. He also gets a complimentary barring for life from the Vic! With Derek gone, Alfie breaks down having expended all his shoutiness and starts weeping like a woman and then Poxy gives him a hug.

Derek goes back to tell Kat his pack of easily exposed lies... that's anti-climactic.

Thursday 20th December 2012

Alfie is following his dear wife through the German fair like a serial killer before he's accosted by the drunken hen party and finally he gives some overdue abuse to Kim and then all of a sudden MORE drunken people get in the way as he tries to follow Kat... you wouldn't get very far as a private detective Alfie. It seems as if he's managed to lose Kat because of the inexplicably busy Albert Square but turns to see her doing what people in soaps often do - standing very conspicuously pondering her actions. In this case, it's going into the Phantom Shagger's secret flat.

Following Alfie goes into the flat and it's at around this point you should be getting a sinking feeling as the two worst characters seem as if they're going to at least be the main focus of this entire episode, if not monopolise it entirely... Best pour yourself a double quintuple to numb yourself...

Alfie puts his ear to the door of the flat before kicking the door in with such ease, it makes you wonder why people in Walford even bother with locks when it seems even a light breeze could smash a door open and there is Kat, in the lair of the PHANTOM SHAGGER but it's just her and a bed covered with rose petals - details so important they have to be conveyed via a POV shot!

Alfie demands to know where the Phantom Shagger is and Kat says "who?" Come on Kat, Alfie is stupid but he's not THAT stupid. Perhaps realising that a flat out denial isn't the best of tactics, she says he isn't there and Alfie starts to play twenty questions. You'd think the logical ones would be "who is it?" or "how long?" or even "why?" but no, Alfie wants to know where the Phantom Shagger is and when he'll be there - when Kat can't answer, he says she doesn't know much to whit she replies "You've got this so wrong!"

Goodness, Kat! With your reputation for wanton promiscuity, your track record of infidelity to Alfie, with him now finding you in a flat that isn't yours and finding the bed covered in rose petals how he could POSSIBLY be jumping to any conclusions?!

In a shocking bit of common sense and continuity, Alfie recalls the fact Kat had said the Phantom Shagger was not from Walford - she assures him that was the ONLY lie before saying that meeting him in the Phantom Shagger's "shag pad" is just to get him to leave her alone. If only you could just have told Alfie about this from the start? Oh, wait - YOU COULD HAVE. You could have done that at literally any point in the months this has been going on, in fact you SWORE to Alfie that you'd be honest about this stuff.

As she's a poorly written soap character though, Kat has saved it all up for one big impassioned exposition dump. In fact, she even says that she hasn't slept with the Phantom Shagger and it seems fairly clear she didn't have any intention of doing so, so there's really NO reason why she couldn't just have told Alfie all of this beyond plot contrivance.

So, you'd think at this point Kat would come clean. There's no REASON to hold anything back but no, when Alfie starts talking about jewellery - she plays dumb again but the real question is, did Alfie make sure to have the ring with him JUST in case be confronted Kat? For that matter, didn't Kat have the key and the ring in "hidden" in the same place. We don't see Alfie go into the Vic, so unless Kat had the key with her before Alfie's faux departure, how could she not notice the ring was missing?

Regardless of that, why does Kat have to be drawn on the issue of the ring? What has she to gain by being so recalcitrant to answer these questions? Oh, right - it pads the episode and lets Alfie be shouty and remember this is Eastenders! Shouting = acting and drama.

The cogs are still turning in Alfie's brain though and he suddenly realises that the only way the Phantom Shagger could have known about Kat's ring would be if they were a regular at the Vic - prompting Kat to insist he's just a dodgy bloke... WHY LIE?! Why, why, why? Where is the catharsis of confession? This all feels so jarring, so forced, so contrived. Why protect his identity?

She goes on about how he wouldn't leave her alone repeatedly. Oh, if only there was someone in your life you could talk to about that. Someone you had made a life long commitment to! Oh and what would be even better if there was some kind of organisation, some kind of force that take action against someone who is STALKING YOU. Oh, wait! THERE IS! You're making Kim look like a rocket scientist.

Alfie finally gets around to asking Kat who it is but she won't tell him because she's had a lobotomy that makes it look like Poxy got extra brains put in - she doesn't answer and when she spies the papers for the lease on the bedside table, she starts acting super suspicious before going nanners and trying to burn them... although, the most surprising thing about this scene is that in his struggle to get past Kat to see what's burning, Alfie doesn't knock her to the ground... cliché averted?

But Kat's wild flailings are insufficient and Alfie discovers the lease is made out to... MR. BRANNING! DUN DUN DUN! Oh and he doesn't stamp on the paper to put it out to check if there's anything that might identify WHICH Mr. Branning - he just reads that as it's on fire and then drops it (still burning) to the ground. Which inexplicably makes the entire room sound as if it has a giant roaring fire in it.

So, Alfie pieces it together and now it's time for... BRANNING BINGO! Eyes down! So, he runs down the three suspects and Kat continues the whole "I'm not telling you!" Come on! It's possible although, far from plausible that you thought you could spare extra drama and have an easier life by keeping the Phantom Shagger's identity a secret when Alfie found out the first time but he's been stalking you since your return and has shown NO intention of stopping - if you have a REASON to keep his identity a secret you HAVE to say what it is because this just smacks of a way to draw out a single scene to a full episode.

Kat then does the "hit me, I deserve it!" thing and then asks Alfie not give up on her...Maybe you should tell him who the Phantom Shagger is then? Right, that would require Kat to act like a human being and not the ambulatory plot contrivance she is for this storyline... She finally offers some justification for her idiotic actions by saying he'll get hurt and make things worse - predictably making Alfie shout - before he storms off to confront the Branning brothers... looks like your genius plan has gone and backfired, Kat.

Alfie's return to the Vic is so significant it requires not just one or two switches to Alfie POV shots but SEVEN before he's able to confront the troika known only as THE BRANNING BEAST! What follows is probably one of the most prosaic confrontations in Walford history, Alfie tosses the accusation at each of them in turn but no one immediately starts shouting or throwing fists... Alfie is loud and excessive in his directness almost to the point of offensiveness but everyone just flatly denies it.

All seems lost for Alfie - although, that doesn't stop everyone else in the pub from play statues - until a phone starts ringing! DUN DUN DUN! It's Kat and after a long suspenseful pause that would have been better suited to a talent show or Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, with each head of THE BRANNING BEAST shown in turn, Alfie returns the phone to Max. Who flat out denies it.

And then, finally - like the oppressive atmosphere of a thunderstorm breaking as the rain begins to fall - fisticuffs ensue but are quickly broken up when Kat bursts in to reveal it's not Max she was having an affair with but... DEREK! Wow, Kat was having an affair with the only LOGICAL suspect - disregarding his physical appearance, obviously - that is a twist as far as Eastenders goes.

So, there you go - the Hogfather is the Phantom Shagger! Yawn. Who cares - just get this wretched excuse for a storyline put to bed!

Tuesday 18th December 2012

Saint Alfie is morosely talking to his baffled child du jour. He's just glooming around the Vic, despite the fact it's his ninth anniversary with Kat and then he tells Poxy and Jean... HE'S GOING AWAY! DUN DUN DUN! So, he tells Kat he has to go and get some cheap plonk but it looks as if it might be a porkie pie. They try and make the farewell poignant but self-service checkouts are more emotionally involving as Kalfie continue to suck the life out of all scenes they're in.

With the BRANNING BEAST in the Vic and Kat all on her lonesome, what else should happen but... THE PHANTOM SHAGGER CALLS! So Kat tries to do the impossible and tart up further before saying she's "going to the hen" - prompting Jean to say that Kalfie  as a couple are "unbreakable" and we even get a lingering shot of their old wedding photo before we see Kat standing by the merry-go-round (which is not only on but has small children on it... what time is it supposed to be exactly?) BUT WHAT'S THAT?! ALFIE IS THERE! Who could have seen that coming?! Oh, right - ANYONE.

Tanya has apparently decorated her own wedding cake while Max seems singularly unconcerned about the recent developments as regards THE SECRET SECRET! Oh but what's that, they're paying the travel agent with a big envelope stuffed full of notes? JUST LIKE REAL PEOPLE! This is a wodge of cash as thick as a brick, Gok Ben could have bashed 'Ev's brains in with it, it's so big and yet we're supposed to believe that this is just how things operate... Yes, traditionally less affluent areas have had hang-ups as regards the use of things that aren't hard currency but come on!

As the Brannings are inescapable at the moment, we go to see Derek who has managed to get that jam off his face (mostly). He's telling Kat he is arranging the best stag do Walford ever 'ad! Then in one of her rare lines of dialogue, Trace comments that it looks nasty but Derek says it was an amusing incident with a revolving door... the sad thing is, that sounds like an upcoming storyline with the Square's village idiot Kim.

Half-Day Alice materialises behind him and points out that he said he did it at the boxing club - ah, what a fantastic criminal mind Derek is... he can't even keep his own story straight enough to fool his idiot daughter. She then goes on about FAAAAMMMMLEEEEE and begs Derek to make it up with Joey THE HUMAN GLASS OF WATER... which involves him sticking a fistful of notes in his son's face... this goes about as well as you'd think, with Joey hurling the money to the ground, leaving Derek fuming.

The females of Walford all gather in the salon to prepare for the hen night and exchange the kind of dialogue that you only ever see in badly written TV and film (funny that!), thankfully Derek wanders in to make some more summary demands of Tanya... when she doesn't immediately comply, what happens? Derek says he's going to shop Lauren... isn't that threat wearing a little thin by now? Anyway, having previously asked for Tanya to (somehow) magically make Joey stay, he is asking for her to (somehow) magically make Joey go! Cue generic threat! He also takes a pop at Sharon's drug use on her way out.

Then he goes to see his bruv who is suddenly worried about THE SECRET SECRET - took him long enough. So he's not in the best of moods for a stag party with the threat of hired goons hanging over him. Derek decides that the best man duties extent to being a messenger boy... but really, we've supposedly had Derek paying those involved in THE SECRET SECRET several times... why would they be satisfied now?

Turning the lights on in the club is apparently what Sharon means when she says she's done something special. They also have a projector, making the club feel even more as if it's just the school assembly hall that is used for the occasional end of term disco. Not helped by the cringeworthy "quiz" hosted by Kim that probably has the Samaritan hotlines burning up.

To break up the agony, Cora comes in to announce "'E's not good enough to be my son-in-law!" Apparently it isn't all doom and gloom though and when her mother hands her a bride and groom for the cake, they're pretty much all made up because y'know - these deep seated issues of trust can pretty much just be resolved with a few trite lines of dialogue and a plastic figure.

Preventing the evening from becoming mired in schmaltz though, Sharon uses a magical remote control to activate THE STRIPPERS! Which is so exciting it sends Kim utterly nanners but fortunately, the madness allows Tanya to slip away to enact her plan to get Joey to leave the Square - which is...  asking him to leave. GENIUS!

Lauren chases after Joey as he leaves the club but he does the whole "forget about me!" type thing... just as well he's about as memorable as variations on beige but this prompts Lauren to remember that she is a problem drinker

The stag do isn't much better - goodness, the Vic? What an original choice! Derek walks in and tells Max the debt has been paid and as the Branning beast has reformed, it's time for all of them to give suspicious looks and Kat to disappear and given the expression on her face, it's probably to the toilet.

At least Ray shows some sign of being sane when he says that he can barely stand fifty minutes of Kim... try fifty seconds... and there is further friction between Derek and Jacknocchio... they really aren't getting on too well, are they? And as the ladies had strippers, so do the gents... yawn.

Monday 17th December 2012

Alfie is sitting in the kitchen, looking as if he's just witnessed a brutal murder when Kat walks in with their son, dressed in clothes that would make a whore blush. Apparently Alfie tries to play this off as being about the death of the immensely irritating Nana Moon (7 years ago yesterday, according to Kat - surely a cause for celebration?) and if it was yesterday, why didn't it come up then? NO TIME FOR LOGIC HERE!

Apparently she never judged Kat - that's probably down to the fact she was suffering from dementia. For some reason this cheers Alfie up and causes him to invoke a phrase that invokes the wrath of the cruel gods that dwell in Walford "This will be the best Christmas ever." He might as well start questioning the size of their genitals if he wants to rile 'em up good and proper.

Spurred on by the fact Arfurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr has apparently not just lost the basic knowledge of human women but also how to interact with people in general, Alfie then decides to have a "German extravaganza  in the Vic... because as anyone in the entertainment industry can tell you, the secret to a good promotion is making sure the time between deciding you're having an event and the time the event occurs should really be AT MOST eight hours but the less, the better.

Apparently, all this activity has cheered Alfie up but... DUN DUN DUN! THERE'S A KEY ON THE BAR! Who would have the only lock on their door in central London be a Yale? No wonder Phil can plow into flats... and then - despite having seemed for most of the year as if it has been populated only by the survivors of some apocalyptic disaster, the Vic is heaving again, people have appropriate German costumes and even an accordion player.

Poxy is wandering around, asking people if they can recognise a generic, unmarked Yale key - probably the most generic and indistinguishable of ALL keys... and unsurprisingly, has no luck... except that Kat clearly realises that it's for the Phantom Shagger's flat but plays it cool, watching as Poxy puts it in a shot glass on the bar.

Kat is wandering around the Vic, apparently able to use her incredible slag powers to discern whether men are married, single or other. Really though, it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that the Vic is heaving - it's MONDAY NIGHT! Monday night is PARTY NIGHT! The night of the week where you've got to be up early the next day and have four days of work ahead of you before the weekend...

Kalfie canoodles and apparently the large number of punters mean that now is the PERFECT time for them to leave for some nookie with Alfie randomly noticing that the key from earlier is missing - DUN DUN DUN! For some reason, Alfie is then alone in his bedroom - weren't they about to have a quick fumble? - and as he knows Kat has OCD about drawers, is drawn to the slightly ajar drawer... and because Kat is monstrously stupid and decided to hide the ring in this drawer wrapped in tissue paper, what else does she hide in it? THE KEY! The key which she had told Alfie "some bloke" had taken. GENIUS!

Saint Alfie is back outside - seriously... the guy is supposed to be a pub landlord (a job that is MORE than full-time at this time of year) and yet he can apparently bounce between his tat selling stall and the Vic without a worry? He's going to get Kat a present every day until Christmas - hooray for materialism! Then decides to help Twitney and Morgan with their caroling (as even Morgan's dreadlocks are smart enough to realise that Bianca couldn't bring home the bacon if you sat her in front of a dozen rashers of it).

Apparently freak shows are still popular in Albert Square, as the mentally deficient Kim starts having what amounts to a fit to a human beatboxed "Silent Night". This inexplicably has a now hat wearing Ian (OH NO! HE'S REGRESSING TO TRAMPOID!) looking happier than he ever has and people even start donating money... perhaps they think it's for a mental health charity?

Max & Tanya's wedding plans continue and the invertebrate Tanya is fine with Derek being the best man - something so stupid even Jacknocchio points it out. Lauren wants to escape the Square but her mother apparently gets her to stay by offering money and apparently, Lauren doesn't care about the wedding but Skeletor (Lucy Beale) loves 'em.

Lauren says she's allergic to weddings and Tanya confesses she felt the same until she met Max... they just knew they were meant to be... explaining why you wanted to have him BURIED ALIVE, divorced him and then married another man. Truly, a greater love story has never been imagined but this is all about conveying the importance of little signs that someone loves you because everyone has those!

Lauren opens the door and it's Joey with champagne (but she says it's some guy to her mother). Joey puts the champagne on the table, knocks over a glass and Lauren then picks up the glass cutting herself - after Joey warned her she would cut herself, DOHOHO! - and there's some awkwardness before the Human Glass Of Water sluices out of the house. With Lauren walking back in JUST in time for her to hear Skeletor say Joey's - which he JUST did.

The Branning Beast is in the Vic and having managed to become best man, Derek is now in full control of the stag party... oh, the horror. Jacknocchio isn't happy with Derek. This appears to be the least of the Hogfather's worries though! He's suddenly driving his car and when he stops at some lights, the person that pulls up next to him recognises him and as Derek pulls away, the generic thug says something like "FOLLOW 'IM!"

A frantic car chase that might reach speeds of upto twenty miles per hour and includes upwards of THREE gentle turns ensues before Derek hits a dead end and knowing that being a middle aged man, who hasn't shied away from the finer things in life decides the most logical course of action is to get out of the car and try to run... It's hardly a surprise this guy is giving Phil a run for his money in terms of criminal masterminds, is it?

After about ten seconds, Derek is caught and the thugs demand his brother. When they decline to discuss the matter, Derek challenges his three assailants to fisticuffs like a Victorian gentleman... it should be noted that they are all about 20-30 years younger than him and at least two heads taller. So... when next we see him - turning up in Max's office (he's able to do this silently as Max is surprised when the phone goes dead, when Derek hits the receiver... clearly crime bosses get ninja training) as you'd expect he's thoroughly beaten... oh, no - wait. He has jam smeared on his face and a split lip - you'd look worse if you fell over!

Anyway, Max has just TWENTY FOUR HOURS to pay the people involved with THE SECRET SECRET. Where's Jack Bauer when you need him, eh? Oh, right - on a show that even at its worst exceeded Eastenders best by orders of magnitude.

Bianca is back to whinging about not getting paid enough and inevitably bills are piling up, needing to get the invisible Tiff a new school uniform. At the salon, she and Lola are getting rather territorial about tips - such that Bianca takes money out of Lola's and puts it in her own... that seems a lot like stealing and Bianca eventually points out that she's not being bankrolled by Phil but later, clearly feels a little guilty... even though Lola IS actually being bankrolled by Phil.

So, Bianca gives most of her tips to Lola AND despite the fact Lola even suggests they split it - Bianca turns her down... that's just stupid. Fortunately Twitney and Morgan come rushing in with buckets of cash from their carol singing and she gets all teary...

Zainab gives a new comer in the caffffffffff a dressing down - so, what are the chances that it's going to be someone that she has to interact with later? Astronomical, I'm sure. Oh, that's someone at the door while Zainab is relaxing - I wonder who it could be? GOODNESS - it's the woman she was rude to in the caffffffff, what are the chances?!

Proving he's just about as spineless as his brother, Tamwar allows himself to be brow beaten into being late for work while Zainab is awkward with her new guest - punctuated perfectly by Masood jumping into the room and acting like a fool, immediately after Zainab has said how respected their family is... Make sure your corset is fastened - for truly, 'tis side-splitting stuff.

Zainab apparently thinks that Tamwar has a chance with new comer Aisha - even though she is there to meet someone who is apparently successful - if she can just fix his face... There are medications for what Tamwar has, I'm sure but if he hasn't tried them before, it seems unlikely he'd start now. He even points out he's STILL MARRIED... oh and wouldn't you know, Aisha walks in while Zainab is telling him he has a chance. OOPS!

Cast Clear Out

If there's one Eastenders is notable for currently - beyond the dull and repetitive storylines that are so padded they'd be better used as insulation than fodder for even a bad soap - its a bloated cast, full of so much deadwood, that there is never a need to to worry about a shortage of firewood and as it's the season of darkness, despair and death (all the Ds!) in Walford, what better time to discuss those most sorely in need of joining the great big list of credits in the sky?

10. Jean Slater - in what will be a running theme for this list... here we have a character that the Crayon Crew just don't know what to do with. She worked best as a supporting character to Stacy but with her gone, there's just no real substance to her - especially given the terrible way her bipolar disorder is now written. She seems to fluctuate between Dickensian mad woman and village idiot. It's hard to believe that when first introduced this character won recognition from mental health charities - it seems unlikely they'd be so generous now...

9. Tyler Moon - we're shot of his father and brother, why not make it a hat trick? His brother fled the Square, Tyler followed suit... why didn't he just stay gone for inadequately explained reasons too? At this point, do the Crayon Crew even remember that he and Michael "Count Moonula" Moon are brothers too? But ever since his return from finding his brother, he's been little more than a peripheral character and so the question has to be - why even BOTHER having him return? Losing the emporium and his brother fleeing were a perfect excuse for him to depart forever and it would certainly have trumped him hanging around for the occasional scraps of dialogue he gets.

8. Twitney - as with Jean, Whitney started out with a fairly good storyline but unfortunately when the Crayon Crew start a character out with a good storyline, that typically means they're going to Shyamalan - start strongly but promptly succumb to a disastrous decline - and there was no way the grooming plot was ever going to be surpassed. They've tried several things with her since then and none of them have worked, which just makes her feel embarrassingly like a one trick pony.

Her portrayal in relationships has been especially poor with Twitney repeatedly reinforcing the stereotype that all women want a bad boy and often times going about things in the worst way possible - granted, she's going to have issues because of her relationship with the insidious Tony but... there's never the impression there was more to it than her being fickle... to say nothing of the contrived prostitution plot, which felt so ridiculously forced in every aspect from beginning to end and has (surprise) had no lasting impact beyond the fact it had her brother disappear.

7. Pointless Poppy - a character introduced purely to substantiate the mentally subnormal Jody, who is long since gone, who inexplicably lingers on. This might be somewhat forgiveable if not for the fact that she had actually up and left in the wake of Jody's departure before returning MONTHS LATER for... some reason and now we are subject to her and Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuur having a relationship... which is apparently based on Arfuuuuur being completely unfamiliar with ANY human customs and Pointless Poppy having an intellect equivalent to a bowl of rice pudding.

6. Half-Day Alice - it can be just about acceptable for a dull character to be in the show if they're in the background but Half-Day Alice has (despite the total absence of any discernible personality) been thrust into the limelight with her IMMENSELY repetitious relationship with her father and that consists almost entirely of her finding out he's a generally loathsome man, somehow forgiving him, only for him to go and do something loathsome again - rinse and repeat.

Half-Day Alice is less of a character and more of a stuck record or perhaps some kind of anthropomorphic plot point. Or perhaps, we should consider Derek Sisyphus and Half-Day Alice the boulder that Sisyphus was condemned to forever push up a hill, only to watch it roll down again... although, that boulder probably had more of a personality.

5. Joey the Hogson - if anything, Joey is even MORE bland than his sister. Clearly, he and his sister are making up for their father and 'is 'eart as black as pitch. Joey is the closest thing to blank space it's possible for a person to be. There's just nothing to say about him - he's so bland, he defies description. So, he's actually LESS interesting than his sister - which is a feat in and of itself.

4. Mo - like Jean and Pointless Poppy, she's a supporting character who has long since overstayed her welcome. Now she seems relegated to appearing to drop a line or two to forward the plot and her biggest storyline in the past couple of years is her (illegally) letting her house to Derek, after kicking out Arfuuuuuurrrr.

In fact, her scams - that everyone is wise to but still falls for - are the only memorable thing about her. She's such a place holder character - why would anyone willingly endure her? There are always characters you dislike in a show but Mo is unlikeable AND uninteresting and that's never a good combination.

The perfect opportunity to get rid of her - although, not nearly horrifying enough - was when she browbeat (with Kat's help) the vulnerable Jean into pleading guilty to welfare fraud. Something that has NEVER BEEN MENTIONED SINCE! Oh, right - about ninety nine percent of everything is forgotten forever after a week or two.

3. Kim - where to start... there's not really anything to say about Kim beyond the fact she acts like someone who has suffered debilitating brain damage. It's a miracle she has complete control over her bodily functions - the fact she can run (however incompetently) a B&B is merely proof that Eastenders does not take place in our universe.

1&2. Kalfie - Kalfie, Kalfie, Kalfie... ever since their return to the Square they've been like an anthropomorphic personification of entropy just sucking the life out of everything around them. The Vic - once the heart of the Square - has become little more than an empty shell and their storylines just go on and ON and ON.

Despite the relief of the baby swap debacle being cut short - and the fact Burger King clearly considered that to be his magnum opus explains why things went so horribly wrong under his reign - we're now lumbered with another storyline that has been prolonged not by character development or plot twists or ANYTHING that might even approach being interesting. No - we just had months of Kat staring at Phantom Shagger suspects in the Vic and now we've got another week of Alfie not just confronting Kat about her infidelity...

But even when they're not the epicentre of an awful storyline, they're just there - slowly sucking the marrow from the bones of the show. Leaching anything of interest out of the programme by their mere presence be it's Kat's forced laughs or Saint Alfie pretending to drink from a mug there's just something about the characters as they are now that is anathema to anything interesting happening.

The real problem here is, these characters HAD their time. They had their "will they, won't they?" romance, they went overcame the slings and arrow of outrageous fortune and they even achieved a happy ending - something almost as rare as good Eastenders episodes! - and then, they came back and it was as if they never left... it's just awful.

Friday 14th December 2012

Alfie is in his ridiculous robe, sleeping on the sofa when Kat walks in and he says he was kicking her but we all know the reason is that after her being unfaithful to him at LEAST three times that we know of, having a history of promiscuity and so on - that he has finally come to understand his wife is the village bike of Walford.

He finds her later dressing up to go out shopping but can barely stand the sight of her... join the club! He finally gets hold of Count Moonula but this is rather pointless as he knows nothing. Alfie is actually capable of remembering that Count Moonula cheated with his wife! He decides to quiz him (after rifling through Kat's purse, which she conveniently forgot) about his infidelity. The Count responds by making some fairly serious accusations against the institutional bias of the UK courts in custody battles... no need to get so political, Michael!

Kat returns, explaining away how she shopped despite not having her purse OR any bags - apparently Poxy lent her money... uh, it would have taken you a whole minute to run back from the tube. Anyway, Michael pretty much says that Alfie loves Kat BECAUSE she is a slag... does that make sense? Probably not.

Sharon, who has just walked into Jacknocchio's life - is a single mother, drug addict, well past whatever might have been considered her prime and is an all around emotional basket case on top of asking him to be complicit with her attempts to help her old flame gain custody of his grand daughter by means of fraud - demands that he take her Kinder Egg child to school. Oh, that's perfectly reasonable! Although, in fairness his excuse for crying off is that he'll be late for work. That drafty warehouse clearly needs one to be punctual to keep it sufficiently drafty.

This is all because she blames him for telling Derek - when it was actually her fault for leaving the pills out but facts don't factor in here and Jacknocchio even says the problem was her taking the pills in the first place and Sharon has the audacity to criticise him for not being supportive... yeah, the guy who has stuck with you despite all the previously listed flaws and is giving you free board and lodging DESPITE ALL OF IT... what a bastard. As if that wasn't enough, she becomes further enraged when he says he can't go to the Kinder Egg's nativity play and isn't too happy when Jack isn't going to that. She's a real keeper, Jack!

Phil is buying baby clothes by the truckload - presumably he has some kind of personal shopper, as this is done over the phone - when Shirley stops by for her daily dose of Phil abuse. Then she's off to stalk Lola again and appears just as Lola is making a purchase in the market. Making the helpful comment that Lola should be fighting. She's just such a constructive individual!


Sharon goes to see Lola and tells her that Phil is on her side and starts making promises that obviously aren't going to come to fruition and then hands what could easily be a hundred pounds... this from a woman who was so desperate for cash when she arrived on the Square she sold Jacknocchio her wedding ring... She must be saving a packet by staying with Jack...

Lola - undeterred by Shirley - goes around to see an supremely ungrateful Phil, whose house is now decorated in a way that will not immediately induce vomiting, dizziness and nausea in approximately half of all people. She notes that Phil is talking about "his baby", just making his evil machinations that much more transparent.

Just to show that Eastenders does have a sense of humour though, they put up the Action Line number (for the second night in a row)... how exactly is someone going to be affected by this kind of situation? They have their baby taken away because they're going (briefly) into police custody and ONE (of several) people who has some legal standing in regards to Lexi is mildly intoxicated, thus setting into motion an elaborate set of circumstances that are facilitate purely by the Crayon Crew's apparent loathing of the ZE SOCIAL and complete ignorance of the system - allowing the moustache twirling sunburnt boiled egg that is Phil Mitchell to gain custody despite having a criminal record longer than war and peace? Oh, when you put it like that - it makes total sense.

Derek stops by to see Tanya, his subtle menace is on today though and he coerces her into having Half-Day Alice as a bridesmaid... wasn't she OK with that yesterday? Oh and he announces that he's going to be best man. When Max returns, he's none too pleased about this revelation and storms off, heading straight for the Vic - where he meets Jacknocchio (having a healthy pre-lunch drink) and establishes that what Derek said was cobblers... you'd think a career criminal and crime boss like Derek would be able to tell a lie.

The brothers split up when Jean asks if one of them can intercede between The Count and Alfie but they both decide to scarper, Max's keen senses following the oily trail left by Derek's hair and finding him, just after he's laughed at Phil picking up a baby magazine. THE SECRET SECRET is mentioned yet again which effectively stops the conversation before it begins.

Jean tells Cora the laundrette isn't too Christmassy but Cora is the honey badger of Albert Square! The only thing we learn is that Cora doesn't like Christmas and Jean can't take a hint. Jean returns with a big box o' Christmas decorations despite Cora's active indifference as she and her granddaughter talk - Abi says she isn't buying Cora being stone hearted and we learn out Cora is only sixty six years old?! Wow, I'd have added twenty years to that!

Cora admits she's a hard person to love - at least she knows it - but gets emotional when she confesses that she shouldn't have given the bracelet to Ava, as it was something that demanded a response - something she had never previously expected. Fortunately, Abi is on-hand to lift her spirits. WITH TINSEL!

After decorating the laundrette, being visited by three ghosts and realising the true meaning of Christmas - Cora is rewarded with the appearance of Ava and she brought a card and everything!

Oh and Jack went to play! Yay?

Thursday 13th December 2012

Lola is getting her hair done as she's off to court and we get more tedious encouragement of her fight to reclaim her stolen baby from Pointless Poppy - yawn... Pointless Poppy then finds out she'll be ALL ALONE IN THE SALON as Tanya is off to get the result of her cancer flu scan. Yes because we just see Tanya at the salon ALL the time. Apparently Bianca has to go to the job centre too but Tanya tells Poppy she'll write her a letter.

The occasional character Mr. Lister (the officious market inspector) appears in the salon but doesn't wan to spend a lot of money which rather begs the question of why he'd go to the salon in the first place and it's not exactly as if he has much hair to work with... but this is all just a means to precipitate his reunion with Bianca - who, as you've probably forgotten is the reason for her incarceration. Where could this lead?!

Oh, right. This is Eastenders. So, she grimaces and then we have Lister moaning about the water being too cold but then he gets to talking about his daughter's wedding (the reason for his haircut). He's never met his future son-in-law as he's apparently somewhat estranged, with his daughter's step-father giving her away.

Pointless Poppy has to see her sister and is thus leaving the entire salon in Bianca's (in)capable hands. Bianca starts going on about the overtly materialistic nature of her own ungrateful spawn, to which Lister wistfully tells her to cherish her kids. Goodness. Things go so well, he gives her a tip and says he'll talk to the court but this is spoiled as he storms back in, accusing Bianca of stealing a twenty pound note from him but he just misplaced it and is so overtaken by guilt, he gives it to her by way of an apology.

Derek swans around to Tanya's but he's not there to exude mild menace today, he's there to see his bruuuuv Scotch Egg - who lumbers in with a Christmas tree and Tanya feels the need to IMMEDIATELY castigate him for this because she doesn't want to go up the aisle with pine needles in her knickers... uh... Unless you're planning on attempting to copulate with it, that's probably not going to happen.

Scotch Egg seems OK with her snapping as she's on edge due to CANCER FLU! Which finally allows Derek to mention what he went round there for... THE SECRET SECRET! This is worse than walking in halfway through a phone conversation in an episode of the Sopranos! Scotch Egg says he can't keep producing money but Derek gives him a look, so he apparently IS going to keep producing money and this requires him to not go with Tanya to the hospital - so Lauren decides to go along instead, which seems to fill Abi with consternation for some reason.

Tanya has apparently noticed there is some tension between Abi and Lauren, which leads her to recall how she used to worry about HER sister (not the long lost one, the other one) and how ironic that her cancer flu might mean SHE dies first, causing Lauren to realise that this is how Abi feels... that is actually not awful. Not good but bits in Eastenders that aren't bad are about all you can really select for praise.

Apparently Tanya is considering letting Half-Day Alice be a bridesmaid - and really, why shouldn't she? But then, this is all wrapped in some bizarre existential conversation about everyone being "nice"... it's not a conversation two normal people would really have without some mind altering substance involved... Oh and she's fine, by the way - in the unlikely event you actually cared about the dreaded CANCER FLU!

Walford's greatest detective, Alfie Moon is looking for Count Moonula after his revelation on Tuesday. The revelation that Kat had been seeing a man - yes, that's a real game changer... Poxy pleads ignorance - there's a surprise - but Alfie is clearly none too happy. Although, apparently they kiss and make-up later in the Vic.

Phil showing his diplomatic skills is outside Jacknocchio's house, banging on the windows saying "WE'RE GONNA BE LAAAATTEEEE!" while Derek watches with amusement, providing him the perfect opportunity to drop the revelation that Sharon is on "happy pills". Fortunately, Sharon walks out immediately after this conversation concludes.

Count Moonula has apparently been hiding in the cafffff and tells Poxy to stop getting on his case. Surely, the best place to hide would be in your house and not a public place? No, wait! Too logical!

Despite being late, Phil starts giving Sharon the third degree about her drug use because right before the hearing is the perfect time to have a falling out but it doesn't really go anywhere and Sharon takes the opportunity to get out to have a go at Jacknocchio for telling Derek.

Pointless Poppy tells Lola that the only thing ZE SOCIAL need to know is that she loves the baby... that's stupid, even for you PP! If life were as simple as the lyrics to a Beatles song, things would be... like you'd taken a lot of happy pills, probably... Shirley - using her Lola tracker - turns up just in time to tell her that she shouldn't let Phil mess her around and then as soon as she's out of earshot says "lamb to the slaughter". Good to know you're so supportive! She gets in the car with Phil an Sharon - where Phil says she looks like a whore.. he's just all smiles and sunshine today.

At the court, Lola calls Billy Idiot (who isn't there) and then it's back to Phil discussing Sharon's drug use. Phil is apparently an expert on recovering from drug addiction - despite the fact his twelve step programme involved getting conked on the head by a burning support beam...

Before they get any further, the sleazy lawyer that you wouldn't trust with your loose change shows up and tells them they've got some limp wristed liberal judge who is a sucker for a sob story and so, his plan is for them to... TELL THE TRUTH! DUN DUN DUN! Then Phil upsets Sharon by telling the lawyer not to put Sharon on the stand.

Phil is asked about his relationship with his father - who was a drunken, abusive man... sound familiar? He then lays it on thick by doing his whole "I'm being telling da truuuffff!" thing. Lola struggles to answer basic questions about whether she'd be happy for Phil to be granted custody in a way that would make ANYONE suspicious with long pauses (punctuated by inexplicable looks at Sharon whose looks as if she's just suffered a stroke), blatant evasion, genuinely struggling to do more than nod assent AND FLOODS OF TEARS!

The ruling is then interpreted by the lawyer as meaning "We won." Which means, Phil won. They swan out of the courtroom and are all headed to a restaurant, sans Lola - who is clearly incensed that she will still only see Lexi three times a week. Showing the same diplomatic skill he has demonstrated throughout the episode Don Mitchelloni, tells her she wouldn't want to sit with grown-ups, shoves some money into her hand and tells her to get a taxi home and celebrate with her friends... DUN DUN DUN! He might as well have patted her on the head and said "never you mind your pretty little head about it."

Shirley tells Derek how unfit Phil is to be a father - jeez, woman! Change the record! Fortunately, Jacknocchio interrupts to moan about Derek spilling the beans to Sharon but before THAT can get underway, Scotch Egg calls to moan about how he isn't going to be able to get the money together to keep THE SECRET SECRET... well, secret - and this is after trying to flog a car and looking at some dodgy Internet site that DEFINITELY ISN'T wonga.com

Tuesday 11th December 2012

It's beginning to look a lot like (a cheap and cheerful) Christmas in Walford as the incredibly flimsy looking German market takes shape. It's so flimsy that Kat has to make the observation it's beautiful, lest you don't notice that yourself. There is still no real explanation as to how Alfie is able to afford this German market or how it's paying for itself and apparently it's down to him because he tells Arfuuuuuuuuuur to finish the market before working on the stall... OK...

Then he shares an awkward kiss with Kat... it seems even his primitive brain has managed to piece together this mystery and truly that is a miracle. This doesn't stop some banter between him and Tyler - lest ye had forgotten the bet they made! Arfuuuuuuur acts in his awkward urban mixed race youffff character written by middle aged white man whose last brush with youth culture is most easily measured in fractions of a century. No change there. Unfortunately, he gets some advice on women from the invertebrate Alfie AND Ian... Wow. Their relationship is already doomed.

Alfie is overseeing the final decoration of the tree - which must have been MASSIVELY expensive as he requires a moving platform to get to the top of it... how did he pay for all this again? - and spies Count Moonula (Michael Moon) and Kat together. OHOH! She tells him that they're going to meet before the lights go on and Alfie is very short with her - wow, he's one cool customer!

Apparently, he's able to pull himself together for putting the star on top of the tree. Oh, wait - Kat makes a crude comment just as he's about to put it on top of the tree and Alfie (having got the attention of all and sundry) has a spaz attack because he's suddenly surprised his wife has no class and drops the star he had just dubbed the crowning jewel. SYMBOLISM!

This puts the normally cheeky chappy into a mood and he decrees EVERYTHING IS RUINED FOREVER! In other news, Christmas is cancelled. In yet another sign that doomsayers are right about the Earth's final hours approaching, Kat is able to cope with the petulant and churlish Alfie with something approaching balance and reason - telling him that he should go and sleep. He makes to go upstairs but turns around to see KAT ON THE PHONE! DUN DUN DUN!

He lays on the bed, fidgeting but then goes to look at the ring again. Yawn.

Count Moonula materialises - possibly have changed from a fog or a bat back to human form - and follows Alfie behind the bar, where he says he knows Kat is lying to him! EUREKA! He elaborates on how she's having an affair (again) and is laughing at him, which prompts Count Moonula to tell him to SNAP OUT OF IT! Apparently saying "go back to him" is some crucial mistake... what, did Alfie thing his wife was having an affair with a woman or possibly an intersexed individual?! Now THAT would be breaking new ground... or would it be too close to that Coronation Street one for that?

They're distracted by Arfuuuuuuur who pretty much pulls Alfie outside, where he receives the kind of adulation generally reserved for people that won major sporting events. Crowds of people chanting his name, singing his praises as if he was the messiah and there is Kat, who has somehow replaced the unreplaceable star atop the Christmas tree and we then see the bajillionty lights go on... uh, who is paying for all this electricity? HOW IS ALFIE PAYING FOR THIS?!

Then we have Kat looking oblivious to Alfie's sombre expression and morose tone of voice as he stares off into the distance, the realisation that his wife is a super huge mega slag having dawned on him at long last, apparently...

Sharon is stressing in the kitchen for some reason - apparently despite her fake engagement being over, she's still on-board helping to care for Lexi at ANOTHER meeting. Perhaps if ZE SOCIAL had meetings that lasted longer than five minutes, they wouldn't need so many of them?

Anyway, so involved in the care of a stranger's baby is she that she snubs Jacknocchio again as it's Oscar's birthday! Jacknocchio really has pretty impressive patience to tolerate Sharon's doting on Phil... and it's really not clear WHY - she's damaged goods. A recovering drug addict with a freakish child from a Kinder Egg advert (who has disappeared to the boarding school - although she called for him today, the first time in WEEKS she's even shown any sign of remembering the son she looked about one step away from still breast feeding when she arrived), not much of a looker and she has chronic asthma... although, that could be her attempts to act. It's hard to tell.

Which makes it hard to know whether she's looking for an inhaler in her chest of drawers or drugs. Jacknocchio walks in on her frantically going through cupboards and almost immediately discerns that the drug problem that Sharon had forgotten (you can forget these things, Lauren forgets her alcoholism all the time). Oh and Derek walks in, so now he knows!

Tanya has baked a cake for Oscar's birthday and Max assures her that the scan results will be fine. She then finds the unwelcome face of the Hogfather (Derek Branning) at the door. Tanya tries to uninvite him from the party he has invited himself to and he then winds up Lauren with some fairly obvious slights. She storms off, when the Hogfather suggests he should go and talk to her, Tanya gets rather cross and then all of a sudden asks like a dog that has been threatened with a rolled up newspaper. Wait, is she STILL worried that Derek is going to change his statement to the police? Who knows... Derek wants to talk to Max - because he couldn't just call him up and ask him to meet him later and when Tanya asks what it's about says "never you mind"... because that isn't going to arouse suspicion at all!

When the two bruvs have their meet up - Max mentions THE SECRET SECRET again (also giving him a new phone), Tanya appears and being as stupid as someone from the Square can be, decides to invite Derek along to the party because of this illusory hold that he has over her.

Denise and Ian's battle of the banal continues to reach new heights of torturous tedium. Ian offers mistletoe with all purchases over £3 and Denise retaliates by getting some of the Bianca's brood to do carol singing... why exactly would that ATTRACT people? Christmas music is usually something you want to escape from at this time of year. Anyway, it goes "hilariously" wrong and drives off all the punters that gathered expectantly around her shop - causing Ian to grin like an idiot.

Oh and then she looks jealous of Arfuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy and starts shouting at Ian but quickly apologises. For some reason she's going to be alone at Christmas. Uh, what about your two daughters? One of them is at university only a couple of hours away! The romance continues to blossom but it's too early for mistletoe, Ian! DOHOHO! If you want comedy - Derek telling Half-Day Alice he's surprised she isn't at work, only for her to say she's going shopping is a real belly laugh.

In the Vic, Joey tells Lauren that it's best they avoid each other, walks off and seconds later Abi walks in to remonstrate her sister for preferring to get drunk than to be concerned about her mother... On that count, she's wrong. No sane person could survive in Walford without being drunk!