Tuesday 25th December 2012

Hold on tight everyone it's tight for a DOUBLE HELPING of Britain's most MISERABLE CHRISTMAS SHOW!

Max hides the ring for Tanya (who he is planning on marrying on CHRISTMAS DAY - without having told her) in typical soap fashion and then assures her that they just have to suffer one more day of Derek... could that be... FORESHADOWING?!

Kat continues to look so rough that it looks as if she's been sleeping on the streets and Derek is apparently filled with the Christmas spirit... sufficient to wind up Jacknocchio and then converse with whoever is involved with the SECRET SECRET... will it be hired goons, will it be a secret family or did Max join a secret society of Morris Dancers?

Kat looks all teary as she hands Tommy over to Jean... are we  supposed to care about a woman that even Saint Alfie of Walford can't stand the sight of? Christmas is apparently enough for the various hidden children to be recalled from their 24-hour boarding crèches/schools... goodness. Home for one day a year - that's pretty harsh! Oh and Poxy's progeny despite being what... four or five? Still apparently mute. Perhaps she has learned the greatest lesson Walford has to teach - better to say nothing and let people think you a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Poxy, despite having had months to reconcile herself with the fact that she and Alfie weren't going to happen is apparently wasting no time, flirting up a storm with him. Real classy. Then Saint Alfie of Walford instructs everyone to don coats because a struggling publican like him can afford to arrange another of his patented CHRISTMAS MIRACLES! Although, at least this time it's just Alfie risking life and limb to put snow off the roof.

The Branning brood has collected together... where's a well placed de-orbiting satellite or rogue asteroid when you need one? Derek keeps going on about being "head of the family", is this his new catch phrase or is it like smelling toast and sign of an imminent stroke? He's not really mentioned it much and yet in the past week it seems to have become a mantra... someone should ask him if he's smelling burnt toast.

The extended Branning clan is addressed by the Hogfather, who delights in making some rather obvious slights about Lauren's crash before proposing a toast to everyone - especially Kat! Oh and the crackers are pulled and everything goes everywhere... the fact Max's ring could be easily mistaken for one from a cracker is likely to play no part in the upcoming storyline though, why even bring it up, eh?

Derek seems to getting drunk and is already controlling Kat... but then, as she's acting like a robot he could just assume that's part of her programming... He should probably send her back and get a refund. He also instructs Tanya to make Kat feel part of the family... how? Perhaps they can conspire to bury the Hogfather alive? That would be a good bonding experience.

Joey appears, apparently at Max's behest, just to cheer up Lauren... wow, he came to terms with that incredibly quickly... eh, if someone can marry the person that killed their fiancée within a year, this is pretty plausible by comparison. Max is just concerned with Lauren's happiness though and so the drunken Derek comes to tell him he's not all that. To whit Max replies that none of their family love him and he'll be glad to see the back of him.

What is Derek's riposte? OH! THE SECRET SECRET! Seriously, there should be some kind of drinking game for Derek's blackmail threats - although, it's unlikely anyone would survive. Jacknocchio walks in and the two agree that they'd just get Derek sent back inside... so, they've actually remembered that Derek is supposed to be on probation - seems like they'd forgotten.

He blubs to Carol about how terrible his life is and how Kat and Alice are his FAAAMMMMMMLEEEEE! Then he goes to talk to Kat in the toilet, tells her he loves her and that she means more to him than anything in the world - not forgetting to add in plenty of lies about Alfie. He then offers to whisk her and Tommy away to Mexico to live... this is definitely sounding like a prelude to Kat ending up in a shallow grave. More like a prelude to an episode of Cracker than a love story.

Max dresses  up as Santa on meth and tells Derek he's been a "very naughty boy" but surely, the joke is about to be on Scotch Egg as a mysterious car pulls up outside the Branning residence! OHOH! Just as Tanya opens a wedding dress, the doorbell rings! Could it be? Could this be the revelation of... THE SECRET SECRET!? Nope! FAKE OUT! It's dial-a-registrar!

So, somehow Max was able to get both a dress AND a registrar the day before Christmas? Eh, the guy managed to cure Jacknocchio's paralysis with orange juice... so, this is probably well within the scope of his powers... Tanya also seems thrilled at an impromptu no frills service in her own home... not exactly a dream wedding, is it?

Ohoh, here comes ANOTHER MYSTERIOUS CAR! Just as Tanya comes down the stairs having prepared for her wedding in about two minutes and the doorbell rings! It's... A SECRET WIFE! Who makes quite the point of saying that she's his lawful wife to all and sundry... This seems to happen a lot in Eastenders, people trying to get married without having had their previous marriages dissolved are they unaware that bigamy is a crime or do they just really hate paperwork?

So, showdown with secret wife... apparently Max swept her off her feet (there goes the suspension of disbelief!), they were married and then when he found out about Tanya's cancer flu, instead of explaining this situation to her... he just disappeared. The secret wife even points out that a better way of dealing with this would have been TALKING TO HER, rather than stuffing envelopes of cash through the door. That makes sense.

After Poxy showing just what kind of a woman she is by professing her love to the heartbroken and emotionally vulnerable Alfie (something that would garner active hatred if the sexes were swapped - go double standards!), Kat arrives to pick up Tommy and what's this?! Derek's masterful deceit has fallen apart?! AGAIN?! Derek's deceptions have all the subtlety and nuance of a seven year old with hands covered in paint standing next to a wall covered in handprints going "It wasn't me."

Seriously, every single one of his lies seems to rely absolutely on people trusting him entirely and... that's just not a particularly good way to go about constructing a web of lies, especially when you're a career criminal who has repeatedly been caught in lies anyway. Despite this revelation though, Alfie has apparently decided that he's got enough credits for a post-humous sainthood now and that he's going to give up on Kat, saying he's "moved on", giving a look to Poxy. Really? REALLY?! Kat does what any reasonable person would - she goes outside and does some dry heaving.

Back at the ol' Branning place, Tanya is using the demon drink to keep her nerves at bay while her husband and his secret wife have a tête-a-tête in her bedroom. Then in another fine example of Derek's mastery of dissembling, Max finds out that his bruv didn't give the two grand to the secret wife and the secret wife reveals that she had a baby (but lost it)... and Derek was supposed to have told Max. Which led to the secret wife having an abortion because of Derek's porkies. Oh and the secret wife still loves Scotch Egg.

After that little confession, it's time for Tanya to come in (having sent everyone home). Predictable bland exchange between the two women, and then it's time for Tanya and Max to have a predictable bland exchange! Apparently Max married his secret wife just to prove that he loved her... that sounds like a dare gone wrong. To sum up the overly long scene - it looks as if Tanya is going to forgive Max but then she doesn't.

To end the tedium of another Max/Tanya conversation, we have Kat come a callin' and her sorrow has  turned to anger as she confronts Derek - who has magically sobered up! She comes looking for the messages but guess what?! HE DELETED THEM! Derek tries to talk her around on Mexico but Kat has apparently stopped being a robot and points out that he can't make her... which leads to the surreal scene of him insisting she put her coat on, before insisting he can be very persuasive... and again, it feels as if we've got a storyline that was going to involve sexual assualt and murder when Derek shouts "PUT YOUR COAT ON!" apparently having forgotten that he's in a house full of people. Yes, Derek - very persuasive.

Max and Jacknocchio burst in and a predictable altercation ensues with Max saying he's going to kill Derek... and then in possibly the most laughable rebuttal in recent memory, the Hogfather declares that Max is the runt of the litter. People in glasses houses, Derek. Oh and then he goes off about being head of the family again - smelling any burning toast, Derek?

In fact, it's pretty clear that something in Derek's tiny brain is broken because he's talking about "his Kat" and "his Tommy" when it's pretty clear Kat would have preferred to be next to an open sewer... Such is his delusion, he tries to haul her out of the house  - at which point  there's quite the ruck as Jacknocchio and Joey  heave him out onto the street, presumably before he starts foaming at the mouth and starts making a mess of the carpet.

Threats of vengeance against all of them and their kin for a hundred generations barely off his lips, Derek has the most hilarious case of sudden onset death syndrome that renders him dead in about thirty seconds... He was definitely smelling toast then. Although, to be fair - it looks as if he'd had a few antacids, he'd have been fine.