Thursday 27 December 2012

Thursday 27th December 2012

Everything is all DARK AND MYSTERIOUS as a cloaked figure that escaped from a Star Wars prequel stalks the Square, he then lets himself into the Masood house and slips upstairs and sits down on the bed that is occupied by Geordie Masood who immediately starts screaming, causing Masood Masood to burst in and wrestle the Sith lord to the ground. Oh, wait - it's just AJ! HOHOHO!

Zainab then demands AJ apologises to Geordie Racer - oh and apparently AJ left but now he's back. So begins the comic hijinks of AJ regaining a place in the house... make sure you've strapped yourself into a corset, lest your sides split with laughter.

AJ goes to the Vic for a quiet pint and comments on how quiet it is. Then - and make sure to tighten that corset - he asks if someone died! HOHOHO! Oh, people around the nation will surely be choking on their howls of laughter when Alfie replies that someone did die! Then to make this comedy gold even better, he starts trash talking (or more accurately, summarising to a tee Derek's winning personality) the 1950s wannabe gangsta when Scotch Egg and Jacknocchio are within earshot!

Zainab is going on about what a liability AJ is when Patrick warns them about AJ being in trouble - forcing Masood to drag him out of the Vic before he gets lynched. DOHOHOHO! Masood is then able to explain to Geordie Racer that this isn't even REAL arguing! Apparently all of this can be resolved by Masood raising his voice though.

Tanya is cancelling her honeymoon while Max sleeps on the sofa - DUE TO UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES! Abi asks Lauren if their family can survive the latest idiocy of their Scotch Egg of a father but apparently despite repeated infidelity on both sides, the sudden and violent death of Bradley, the chronic health problems of forgotten Jim and the small matter of Tanya trying to bury Max alive - this, THIS is what's going to push them past the point of no return.

The earthbound avatar of misery - better known as Carol - tells Bianca to put a smile back on the kids faces... A good start to that would be throwing yourself into a furnace, Carol. She goes to see Half-Day Alice - who was earlier sitting alone in a darkened room - and tries to cheer her up... that's like an ocean trying to help a puddle dry out but she immediately gives up on that... it's for the best.

Tanya is not best pleased about the fact Max changed their honeymoon into a cheap and cheerful trip to Spain - perhaps he should mention that was to pay-off the Secret Wife to curry favour? Jacknocchio and Misery Guts come around to discuss the funeral of the Hogfather. Jack in a rare moment of clarity points out people will be gloating at Derek's death - it's surprising there isn't a party going on already. Jack seems fine with paying for the funeral though - clearly owning an empty warehouse is a profitable endeavour in Walford!

Apparently Tanya is of the same opinion as Lauren about the family and spying on Secret Wife and she's going to sort her out! Which involves trying to quiz Kim at the B&B - Jedi mind tricks don't work on someone that doesn't have a mind, Tanya. This is another incident where the writing is so trite and clichéd that the Crayon Crew feel the need for the characters to actually out and out say "This is trite and clichéd " as Secret Wife says "Have you come to run me out of town." Come on! A seven year old would roll their eyes at that!

The Secret Wife isn't going to make things easy for Tanya though. She's going to take her to the bank. THE BLOOD BANK! No, this episode wishes it could come up with a line that ridiculous. Tanya isn't scared of Secret Wife though! So, she's just going to live in the B&B until she gets Max back... that's the gritty realism that makes Eastenders so compelling! The fact people can just up and leave their life behind and instantly relocate despite the fact they're barely above the poverty line at the best of times.

So apparently talking to the Secret Wife - which involved telling her about how Max is a lying cheating scumbag who habitually sleeps with gutter sluts - has convinced Tanya that it's time to give Max a second chance! Oh and Secret Wife walks into a job at the Vic - a full shift there would probably just about cover a day at the B&B. Just kidding - it wouldn't even cover that.

Bianca begins Operation: Cheer Up The Kids... the only problem? She's Bianca and hence has no money. So, after just saying they can't afford to spend money she decides they'll cook... even though they have no food and no money to buy food - which leads to her asking Tyler if he has any stock left... so, if they're going to sell that to pay for the food, why is the lack of money an issue? Oh, right - idiocy.

So, after about five minutes of work the children return with sufficient ingredients for the cooking... This is mere moments after we saw the kids "carolling" and Bianca/Twitney working the stall... how, why... unless you've got yourself plumbed into a distillery, let's just roll with it.

Brace yourself for more hilarity as everything goes HORRIBLY WRONG! Despite the fact all of thirty seconds has passed, they've somehow prepared a very badly made cake (which gets knocked to the floor) AND managed to burn  the ribs... luckily, Liam (who has had a cap-ectomy) is there to offer to buy lunch from absolutely-not-KFC.

Twitney prefers chicken anyway! Phew! But then Ray turns up to bake a cake... and he presumably remembered that Morgan was his long lost son too. He bought him a PSP and everything. Ray is magically able to conjure an obviously store bought cake from thin air and we get some revelation about the fact Morgan already had games for the PSP... which leads to Bianca finding Derek's secret shed of dodgy gear!

Bianca isn't exactly happy about this but Tyler has been in on it for a while and it's apparently worth several thousand pounnddddsssssaaa. We're supposed to believe there's some kind of moral conundrum for Bianca though, which is a joke - everyone on the Square is up to their neck in something illegal and it has been a running theme for Bianca since her return that the bills, they keep on coming. Hammered home again as we see her looking at bills before and after this revelation... why are they making this feel as if it would be a hard choice for her? It wouldn't be, she's not law abiding citizen who baulks at the idea of jaywalking - she's an impulsive, stupid and desperate mother of dozens who lives below the poverty line and has just been gifted mana from heaven.

Bianca goes to talk about this stuff with Jacknocchio and he takes the shocking step of suggesting that they could tell the police - luckily, Bianca decides to just prise the gifts from her children's hands. Liam is apparently not pleased and tries to sell the gear right in front of his house! Bianca is not best pleased at this and goes to the fuzz but DUN DUN DUN! When she opens the garage, it's... EMPTY! ONOES!

Lola drops into the caaaaaaaaafffffffffff and finds out that Phil's diabolical machinations have escalated to buying Lexi a nice (and expensive) christening dress and he's arranging it all for her. That BASTARD! Lola then decides that she'll choose the godparents but SURPRISE! Phil has already chosen Grant and Peggy - coz they're FAMMMMMMLEEEEEEEEEEEE but fear not Lola, Billy Idiot has an idea... best keep her away from sharp objects.

The genius idea  is that if Lola is to have the banished Mitchells as Lexi's godparents, then she gets to spend time alone with her baby... as this is an entirely reasonable request from the child's mother - Phil INSTANTLY starts shouting because shouting equals DRAMA! He's remarkably recalcitrant about this trifling concession...

Apparently this leads to good luck for both Billy Idiot (who wins on a horse) and Lola (who gets some work at the salon) but Shirley is not so lucky. She needs a job. What? Really?! She hasn't had any visible means of support in years and she just NOW needs a job... but then Lola say she won't get one "looking like that", which causes some offence... Presumably the fact that mirrors crack just from having her near them didn't clue Shirley in to the state of her looks but Pointless Poppy knows of a job going... see! Oh, it's at definitely-probably-not-KFC! Seems a bit dangerous, Shirley - they might try and stick you in the oven.

Oh and Phil goes nanners because Lexi isn't back on time. He's very hands on, isn't he?

Patrick hands a fistful of notes to Jay because times are tough - which is why he's able to give him money despite being a pensioner... Jay bemoans the lack of work. That's a joke - the time between jobs in Walford is measured in hours. He then has to listen to Denise moan about doing Kim's job for her... why is she doing that? Later on, even Denise asks why she's doing Kim's job for her - NO ANSWER! Oh and Patrick wants Denise to find a man.

Pointless Poppy is wafting around the Square and hears tell of Zainab's "party of the century". Zainab is spending the day with AJ - who was able to walk back into his job at the Arches... It's a miracle Phil even remembers that he owns the place. Then for the sake of additional hilarity, AJ needs her help to finish a job! PRONTO!

The only client in the Arches for the past decade actually turns up as Zainab is thrashing the engine - he's not best pleased and immediately starts shouting the odds. Remember - shouting equals drama! Fortunately, the plot contrives to give Zainab the opportunity to blackmail  this customer into not wanting  his car ready. Which means it's time to prepare for... THE PARTY OF THE CENTURY! Oh and Zainab wants to hook up Geordie Racer and Tamwar.

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