Alfie is sitting in the kitchen, looking as if he's just witnessed a brutal murder when Kat walks in with their son, dressed in clothes that would make a whore blush. Apparently Alfie tries to play this off as being about the death of the immensely irritating Nana Moon (7 years ago yesterday, according to Kat - surely a cause for celebration?) and if it was yesterday, why didn't it come up then? NO TIME FOR LOGIC HERE!
Apparently she never judged Kat - that's probably down to the fact she was suffering from dementia. For some reason this cheers Alfie up and causes him to invoke a phrase that invokes the wrath of the cruel gods that dwell in Walford "This will be the best Christmas ever." He might as well start questioning the size of their genitals if he wants to rile 'em up good and proper.
Spurred on by the fact Arfurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr has apparently not just lost the basic knowledge of human women but also how to interact with people in general, Alfie then decides to have a "German extravaganza in the Vic... because as anyone in the entertainment industry can tell you, the secret to a good promotion is making sure the time between deciding you're having an event and the time the event occurs should really be AT MOST eight hours but the less, the better.
Apparently, all this activity has cheered Alfie up but... DUN DUN DUN! THERE'S A KEY ON THE BAR! Who would have the only lock on their door in central London be a Yale? No wonder Phil can plow into flats... and then - despite having seemed for most of the year as if it has been populated only by the survivors of some apocalyptic disaster, the Vic is heaving again, people have appropriate German costumes and even an accordion player.
Poxy is wandering around, asking people if they can recognise a generic, unmarked Yale key - probably the most generic and indistinguishable of ALL keys... and unsurprisingly, has no luck... except that Kat clearly realises that it's for the Phantom Shagger's flat but plays it cool, watching as Poxy puts it in a shot glass on the bar.
Kat is wandering around the Vic, apparently able to use her incredible slag powers to discern whether men are married, single or other. Really though, it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that the Vic is heaving - it's MONDAY NIGHT! Monday night is PARTY NIGHT! The night of the week where you've got to be up early the next day and have four days of work ahead of you before the weekend...
Kalfie canoodles and apparently the large number of punters mean that now is the PERFECT time for them to leave for some nookie with Alfie randomly noticing that the key from earlier is missing - DUN DUN DUN! For some reason, Alfie is then alone in his bedroom - weren't they about to have a quick fumble? - and as he knows Kat has OCD about drawers, is drawn to the slightly ajar drawer... and because Kat is monstrously stupid and decided to hide the ring in this drawer wrapped in tissue paper, what else does she hide in it? THE KEY! The key which she had told Alfie "some bloke" had taken. GENIUS!
Saint Alfie is back outside - seriously... the guy is supposed to be a pub landlord (a job that is MORE than full-time at this time of year) and yet he can apparently bounce between his tat selling stall and the Vic without a worry? He's going to get Kat a present every day until Christmas - hooray for materialism! Then decides to help Twitney and Morgan with their caroling (as even Morgan's dreadlocks are smart enough to realise that Bianca couldn't bring home the bacon if you sat her in front of a dozen rashers of it).
Apparently freak shows are still popular in Albert Square, as the mentally deficient Kim starts having what amounts to a fit to a human beatboxed "Silent Night". This inexplicably has a now hat wearing Ian (OH NO! HE'S REGRESSING TO TRAMPOID!) looking happier than he ever has and people even start donating money... perhaps they think it's for a mental health charity?
Max & Tanya's wedding plans continue and the invertebrate Tanya is fine with Derek being the best man - something so stupid even Jacknocchio points it out. Lauren wants to escape the Square but her mother apparently gets her to stay by offering money and apparently, Lauren doesn't care about the wedding but Skeletor (Lucy Beale) loves 'em.
Lauren says she's allergic to weddings and Tanya confesses she felt the same until she met Max... they just knew they were meant to be... explaining why you wanted to have him BURIED ALIVE, divorced him and then married another man. Truly, a greater love story has never been imagined but this is all about conveying the importance of little signs that someone loves you because everyone has those!
Lauren opens the door and it's Joey with champagne (but she says it's some guy to her mother). Joey puts the champagne on the table, knocks over a glass and Lauren then picks up the glass cutting herself - after Joey warned her she would cut herself, DOHOHO! - and there's some awkwardness before the Human Glass Of Water sluices out of the house. With Lauren walking back in JUST in time for her to hear Skeletor say Joey's - which he JUST did.
The Branning Beast is in the Vic and having managed to become best man, Derek is now in full control of the stag party... oh, the horror. Jacknocchio isn't happy with Derek. This appears to be the least of the Hogfather's worries though! He's suddenly driving his car and when he stops at some lights, the person that pulls up next to him recognises him and as Derek pulls away, the generic thug says something like "FOLLOW 'IM!"
A frantic car chase that might reach speeds of upto twenty miles per hour and includes upwards of THREE gentle turns ensues before Derek hits a dead end and knowing that being a middle aged man, who hasn't shied away from the finer things in life decides the most logical course of action is to get out of the car and try to run... It's hardly a surprise this guy is giving Phil a run for his money in terms of criminal masterminds, is it?
After about ten seconds, Derek is caught and the thugs demand his brother. When they decline to discuss the matter, Derek challenges his three assailants to fisticuffs like a Victorian gentleman... it should be noted that they are all about 20-30 years younger than him and at least two heads taller. So... when next we see him - turning up in Max's office (he's able to do this silently as Max is surprised when the phone goes dead, when Derek hits the receiver... clearly crime bosses get ninja training) as you'd expect he's thoroughly beaten... oh, no - wait. He has jam smeared on his face and a split lip - you'd look worse if you fell over!
Anyway, Max has just TWENTY FOUR HOURS to pay the people involved with THE SECRET SECRET. Where's Jack Bauer when you need him, eh? Oh, right - on a show that even at its worst exceeded Eastenders best by orders of magnitude.
Bianca is back to whinging about not getting paid enough and inevitably bills are piling up, needing to get the invisible Tiff a new school uniform. At the salon, she and Lola are getting rather territorial about tips - such that Bianca takes money out of Lola's and puts it in her own... that seems a lot like stealing and Bianca eventually points out that she's not being bankrolled by Phil but later, clearly feels a little guilty... even though Lola IS actually being bankrolled by Phil.
So, Bianca gives most of her tips to Lola AND despite the fact Lola even suggests they split it - Bianca turns her down... that's just stupid. Fortunately Twitney and Morgan come rushing in with buckets of cash from their carol singing and she gets all teary...
Zainab gives a new comer in the caffffffffff a dressing down - so, what are the chances that it's going to be someone that she has to interact with later? Astronomical, I'm sure. Oh, that's someone at the door while Zainab is relaxing - I wonder who it could be? GOODNESS - it's the woman she was rude to in the caffffffff, what are the chances?!
Proving he's just about as spineless as his brother, Tamwar allows himself to be brow beaten into being late for work while Zainab is awkward with her new guest - punctuated perfectly by Masood jumping into the room and acting like a fool, immediately after Zainab has said how respected their family is... Make sure your corset is fastened - for truly, 'tis side-splitting stuff.
Zainab apparently thinks that Tamwar has a chance with new comer Aisha - even though she is there to meet someone who is apparently successful - if she can just fix his face... There are medications for what Tamwar has, I'm sure but if he hasn't tried them before, it seems unlikely he'd start now. He even points out he's STILL MARRIED... oh and wouldn't you know, Aisha walks in while Zainab is telling him he has a chance. OOPS!
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