Thursday 6th December 2012

Phil is in a FAAAAAAAAAMMMMMLLLEEEEEEE mood and is morosely staring at pictures of FAAAAAAMMMMMLLEEEEE, picture that magically appeared in his house. All this nostalgia makes him call up Sharon - only for Jacknocchio to see her mobile and decline the call, prompting Phil to go around for a  friendly visit.

Friendly visit entails Phil hammering on the door as if there's a fire because he needs to speak to Sharon NOWWWWWWHHH! About things that happened last night... actually, it wasn't even last night unless Walford's days have become even more erratic in their length... regardless, Jack suggests Sharon might be having second thoughts about the engagement after what Shirley said and then goes on to mention that the social "aren't stupid"... not an opinion the Crayon Crew share, nor one borne out by their actions, Jack.

He then makes a none too subtle suggestion that he might tip them off, leading Phil to threaten him but despite being Walford's crime boss, he hasn't remembered one thing! The social don't like granddads that start fights! Scuppered by the bleedin' obvious!

His attempts at threatening Jack having utterly failed, he then goes to the caffffff to try and intimidate Shirley... which is probably even more stupid and more counter-productive, especially as she has nothing to lose by pointing out the fraud Phil and Sharon are perpetrating... but no, naturally Phil has to go and tell her it's time to sling 'er 'ook and then she says she's going to stay around to see it all blow up in his face.

Apparently there's some complication with his application and he calls Sharon (who isn't answering again) and so, as people seem to have given up on the use of mobile phones for most of the day, he goes to the club - worried about a surprise inspection from the SS officers of THE SOCIAL.

Phil is paranoid about the whole thing, ranting about how he's doing it all for Lexi (we believe you, Phil!) and Sharon chimes in by saying that all they need to do is tell them all a pack of lies and everything will be alright... because naturally, being in a situation where they're exposed to people that lie on a daily basis means that the people they send out are all gullible mugs... let's just hope this doesn't start tapping into the vitriolic hatred of the social services we had when Lexi was pried from Lola's arms...

Perhaps to try and make the social worker (or foster support or whatever) more sympathetic, he's in a wheelchair and he stopped by because he was in the area... really? Social workers just call up five minutes before and stop by because they were in the area? Sometimes it's almost too easy to lose yourself in the realism of Eastenders!

The social worker reveals that planning is an important part of being a parent, which causes Phil to make a none too subtle comment about him being in a wheelchair as a reference to his opinion of the futility of plans. In fact, Phil is doing just about everything he can to act in a manner that makes it seem as if he's as enthused about his relationship with Sharon and the prospect of fostering Lexi as most people would be at a root canal without anaesthesia.

Finally, Phil apparently gets tired of Sharon trying to be reasonable and just flat out says he knows someone called THE SOCIAL and so, just goes ahead and says that he and Sharon have called off their (fake) engagement... but after going nuclear with this revelation, it turns out that no one had called THE SOCIAL and so, he did it all for nought... not a good day for Walford's crimelord! To make himself feel better, he undermines Sharon's relationship with Jacknocchio by telling her about his conversation with him, oh and then goes to threaten Jack (again) by telling him that he's going to hold him responsible if he doesn't get Lexi back.

The horror of Kalfie strikes! We see Kat putting on her make-up (presumably just after she finished using her trowel applicator), a scene somewhat analogous to seeing Darth Vader sans helmet and despite having JUST returned on Monday from a trip to acquire merchandise, Alfie has to go off and run errands again... what could this mean?

Alfie and Jean have a meaningless conversation that will have you slipping into a coma but then Kat returns and the invisible but troublesome Tommy raises his head and Alfie mentions... THE CANDLES! DUN DUN DUN! Instead of getting one and not putting it in the window, Kat starts doing whenever the Phantom Shagger storyline rears its ugly head - acts SUPER suspicious... fortunately for her, Alfie is as oblivious as always.

Poxy swans into the Vic as she's apparently putting in one of her five monthly minutes on the position of Vic manager. Poxy mentions that they closed early and THIS (rather than ALL the other suspicious behaviour) is what starts to make Alfie think something is amiss. Later on, Denise is in the Vic and tells him that despite what Kat said THERE ARE NO SCENTED CANDLES AT THE MINUTE-MART! DUN DUN DUN! It's a shame Kat didn't remember that it was Jean's scented candle and she got it Patrick. Alfie asks her about it again and she says she got them at the Minute-Mart at which point, the sound of the hamster in Alfie's brain becomes audible.

Half-Day Alice is reminded she has a job but barely registers the fact - DOHOHOHO! - and is just sitting around being mopey... just when you thought her character couldn't get any more XTREME they go and do this!

The extreme tedium of Half-Day Alice is sufficient that the Hogfather has to go and see Carol about it. Carol is somehow able to recall that Alice has a mother (also that she left all her friends etc.) and can understand why Alice might want to go back... so, the Hogfather decides to try and bribe Carol into being Alice's mother or something.

Cora and Pointless Poppy have a chat, which leads precisely nowhere as Cora waxes nostalgic while Pointless Poppy doesn't so much miss the point but moves to a universe where the laws of physics do not allow such a thing as a point to exist, concluding with Cora saying she's going to get her life BACK ON TRACK! Better late than never... although, it would seem prudent to start with funeral arrangements.

No, she's apparently looking for a new job. Pointless Poppy finds her and asks how this will pay the rent... but that begs the question, how does being a volunteer in a charity shop pay the rent? Seems like she's going to go for Dot's old job... despite the fact Dot was pretty much fired because they decided they didn't need her. The whole exchange with Pointless Poppy is sufficient to make Cora look as if someone has started drilling into her brain with a powerdrill though, something most could relate to.

As it's a storyline that got dropped like a sack of potatoes weeks ago and has not even been whispered in the interim, Kim tells her sister that the B&B is BACK IN BUSINESS! This was after the "comedy" shenanigans with the best actor in recent years - a mouse - led to the place being shut down. It's just elf and safety gone mad, isn't it?

Just to remind us of the truly bottomless stupidity of this programme, Denise berates her sister for going to the cash and carry instead of using the minute-mart... Support your local shops, she says... Anyone this stupid must struggle to drink from the right end of a glass. Furthermore, Kim's justification isn't the vast difference in price but rather variety... There are no words.

Ian - having forgotten about his mental illness again and apparently 100% fine - watches this display and is well enough to make a sarcastic comment. Just as well nervous breakdowns have no lasting repercussions, eh? But give it a few days and he'll probably be a gibbering wreck again. Both he and Kim comment on the shop though and Denise, feeling immensely stupid today, decides to take action!

So, later we have her springing on the witless Poxy with a customer satisfaction survey. This prompts Poxy to suggest that she needs "an angle". IT HAS AN ANGLE! IT'S A LOCAL SHOP! How much more cretinous can this possibly get? The mere notion of anyone being able to take business advice from a woman that managed to go from having millions in cash (and millions more in assets) to penniless and almost on the street in UNDER SIX MONTHS with a straight face is just a joke... besides, Denise just needs to ignore her problems and they'll disappear!