Wednesday 26th December 2012

Everyone has gathered to sit quietly, reflecting on the death of Derek - presumably because they're all laughed out at his hilarious death scene. The secret wife comes to visit Max. Then Carol pretends that she actually had a brother she hadn't even mentioned until he turned up on the Square and apparently there is a public outpouring of grief as the Branning family stand by where the Hogfather of crime met his comedic end.

Max, Jack, Joey and Kat all stand around in the rain to "get their story straight". Isn't that generally only necessary in a situation where you've done something untoward? Perhaps dishonesty is just such a reflex for Homo Walfordus that it takes a conscious effort to tell the truth? Besides, if there WAS foul play involved it would almost certainly be revealed in an autopsy.

For no apparent reason, they start feeding the police some fiction about how it was a happy Christmas affair and then Derek collapsed dead... because that's not going to fall apart under the most cursory of cross-examination... still, a flimsily constructed lie that will collapse under the slightest scrutiny - it's what Derek would want.

As something miserable has happened, Carol is on hand to be a cloud of  human misery and feels it necessary to diminish the joy of Derek's timely demise by mentioning her dead son. So good of you to remember, Carol! It's not as if Jack who you're talking to tragically lost a son in even WORSE circumstances OH! WAIT! HE DID! So did Max for that matter. Anyway, to ensure her monopoly on misery continues Carol is off to arrange the funeral - there is presumably only so long the bloated corpse of Derek can reasonably be expected to not explode due to the volatile chemicals in his body and hair combining. Oh and she throws in a line about burying their kids - yeah, way to lighten the mood misery guts.

For no discernible reason, Poxy has stayed the night at the Vic (with Alfie on the coach). She's unalarmed by her daughter is ACTUALLY TALKING! Then Jean is blathering on about how Alfie rushes into things and as there aren't enough lines for her and Mo - it's Mo that finishes off the bit about Kat barely being gone... After Poxy has been warned off, Alfie pops his head in to be told everyone is getting on JUST FINE!

Even the dim witted Poxy has to tell the flirty Alfie to back off because he's rushing into things. Wow, you know you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic when you've got Poxy telling you what you're doing is stupid! Apparently Poxy is keeping him sane though... wow, that makes the prospect of his insanity truly terrifying.

Kim has so little brain, she apparently slept through Christmas - oh... the hilarity. Then she can't say rohypnol and Patrick appears from... wherever he disappeared to this time. Then to increase the hilarity THE MASOODS ARRIVE! Oh, comedy gold will surely ensue! Assuming that the Crayon Crew have the ability to transmute lead into gold.

Kim storms off because Christmas is ruined - is it too late for us to get another Christmas present in the form of her death? - and then turns up in the Vic to moan about Christmas being ruined to the Secret Wife. Then she tells Poxy that Kat and Alfie have a "connection innit". Where's a serial killer when you need one?

Anyway the laughathon at the B&B continues with everyone feeling that the sudden death of Derek is a time for everyone to remember those closest to them... prompting Masood to start saying things so trite and clichéd that even the Crayon Crew feel a need to draw attention to the fact that even in a show riddled with barrel scraping, that this is worthy of acknowledgement as bad. So proudly bad that Patrick remembers that Denise has two daughters! Just as well he did because she never shows  any signs of recalling that.

The still sullen Kim returns, moping about how she's going to bed but Denise has equipped people with party poppers and put on a certain season relevant Slade song and that's apparently enough for her to be joyful... It seems like a lot of effort to go to, jangling a set of keys in front of her would have had the same effect... oh and Zainab says they're having New Years at their house before they all start throwing packing foam at each other... OK...

Tanya is confused by the whole Secret Wife thing and had apparently expected a Christmas free of dramas... you had about thirty people at your house. You're lucky there wasn't a riot! The Secret Wife and Derek dead... that pretty much evens out for you! Besides, surely Tanya can't be stupid enough to think that Scotch Egg is going to do anything other than cheat on her again? But no, Tanya apparently expected no secrets and lies - would even Kim be that stupid? Then Cora tells her to buck up her ideas and stop the Secret Wife from getting her claws into Max because Max is SUCH a catch.

Meanwhile, Secret Wife is getting her claws into Max! She really needs to get her roots done! Then she runs up to talk to Abi for some reason but fortunately Cora is there to gnash her teeth. Then Tanya takes over and offers Secret Wife an ULTIMATUM! Leave of your own free will or she'll make you leave! DUN DUN DUN!

Half-Day Alice - who was rendered mute until now but who would notice? - and Joey have a talk and Alice accuses him of being glad their father is dead... why wouldn't he be? They should be having a big party! Oh and then she says he's responsible for Derek's death and one of the most pathetic "GER OUT!" performances ever. She's aware that it was terrible and breaks down sobbing.

Lauren tries to cheer the Hogson up but apparently he's very upset by the death of the father he had cultivated an intense hatred of. That's such a cliché. It would have been far more interesting if Joey had been actually HAPPY to see his father die and far more original.

Max, Jacknocchio and Misery Guts go to see Derek's rotting carcass. Naturally, Carol can't wait for an opportunity to feast on the misery but Max is - for some reason - somewhat reluctant...