Don Mitchelloni being a part-time theoretical physicist though, is aware that the strongest force in the Eastenders universe ISN'T the stronger nuclear force but is actually spite (followed by idiocy, plot convenience and amnesia) and is hence able to deduce by a series of painstaking calculations that Shirley is going to make things hard on him, as she's the only person who manages to remember 'Ev and actually cares about her murder.
Phil then says he's off to the prison and Sharon points out that you can't visit a prisoner if they don't want to see you... it's just a shame she doesn't mention you don't just drop by a prison and ask if you can see your murderous son when you feel like it but that hasn't occurred to anyone in the past decade or two so why change now? We also find out that Phil had stopped by Sharon's at 07:30... why? Couldn't they have discussed this LAST NIGHT?
Jacknocchio barges in after Phil heads off, expressing his displeasure at such an early visit from her pretend fiancée but Sharon has been around the block a few (hundred thousand) times and knows that all it takes to charm Jacknocchio is asking him to have lunch with her in the flat (why not treat yourself and go to the caffffffff?). He's still cross but when Sharon restates the lunch date, he seems somewhat placated.
Shirley decides to exercise her frustrations on Jay, who makes the mistake of saying that Phil has been punished enough. It seems more likely Jay meant the people that watch Eastenders have been punished enough... regardless, Shirley drags him to 'Ev's flat and does the paint-by-numbers "Phil is terrible" speech before she finds out that Lexi is in care and that Phil is trying to get custody. She reacts as social services should have when they saw his application, so in shock that she doesn't react when Jay says he won't help her in her plans for vengeance and walks off.
Shirley goes to visit Sharon - seeing the "romantic lunch for two" - and immediately starts asking about the custody... she doesn't point out that it's clearly being obtained under false pretences but instead suggests that she and Phil are more than friends before going through the highlight reel of Phil and Shirley's relationship, which includes such highlights as him vomiting on himself in the shower, cheating on her, burning down the Vic and CRACK. It seems Shirley's raison d'etre is now to prevent Phil getting custody of Lexi - well, that's easy! Just shop Phil to the police for perverting the course of justice or tell the social services that Sharon isn't really his fiancée!
Jack returns as Shirley is leaving - Walford might be a nightmarish hell from which death is the only real escape but people do manage to time manage better than the Swiss on steroids! - and expresses further displeasure at the extent to which Sharon's life is being dragged down by her faux relationship. Despite this being just about the most reasonable reaction one could expect and Jack having shown REMARKABLE patience with this whole idiotic debacle, Sharon strops off.
Arriving in the salon, she tells Lola to keep her distance from Shirley and not to talk about the delicate web of lies that they have spun and also not to tell her that Ben is the father of her daughter. This immediately prompts her to go to the laundrette... where Shirley is JUST WALKING IN! Timing! Cue generic "Phil isn't doing this for you." speech and "He was here, you weren't" riposte... which leads to her dropping the bombshell that Phil and Sharon are trying to get custody or at least, they treat it as if it's a bombshell even though it's something Shirley MUST have worked out or been told.
Phil returns to his house to find Shirley and Lola there. Shirley seems to think Phil is in this for some cheap thrills with Sharon and inevitably, Shirley threatens to expose this lie. She REALLY seems fixated on this idea that Phil is using this bizarre situation to hook up with her... but then, when did anything in Eastenders ever make any sense?
So idiotic is this idea that Phil even points out that it's idiotic. Phil then goes on to say (with Lola listening at that) that he lied to her and that he'd do it all again, just to protect Gok Ben... even though Gok Ben has decided (again) that he doesn't want to know. He misses a good opportunity to say that with Lola and Lexi it's about FAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMLLLEEEEEEE but says if he had what Shirley had (a daughter and granddaughter - apparently Dino has died) he'd be on the first train out of there... and asks why she is there, to which she replies "I'm done here."
She wishes Jay and Denise a fond farewell (or the Eastenders equivalent, thereof) at the B&B but JUST as she is about to leave, Denise mentions that it's BEN'S BABY! She storms out, just as Sharon and Jacknocchio have rendezvoused with Phil and Lola (what fabulous choreography!) to give Phil the third degree before telling everyone they're stupid, oh and that Phil is trying to get Sharon. A good way to get your point across there, Shirley - alienate the people who you're trying to help.
Not to mention it seems RIDICULOUS to just throw the whole Sharon stealing angle into this. That seems to be a very strange conclusion to draw, especially when your whole reason for coming to it in the first place was that there was no other reason you could see it being something that benefited Phil. Now, apparently you think he wants to have his cake and eat it? Given that he's one of Walford's many improbable lotharios, surely he could just get someone younger and prettier without all the baggage? Oh, right - that would make too much sense!
Bianca is showing her depression the only way anyone in Eastenders ever seems to convey depression by sitting in a darkened room... at least it saves on energy bills. Carol finds her but doesn't remark upon it, although Morgan does ask why she's doing it. Derek is also at breakfast and that's so incomprehensible that even Carol has to essentially ask why he's there, as he's moved... to which his reply is "moved out - not anorexic!" Someone should probably call an ambulance, the man has had a stroke. Bianca then promises (again) that she will make lots of money and buy the best Christmas tree ever... what could fate have in store for the ginger winger today, eh?
Unbeknownst to the ginger brood leader - her mother has given Tanya money to pass her as a tip in one of those typical plots in soaps that backfires more often than the contraptions of one Wile E. Coyote. Ignorant of these matriarchal machinations, she tries to pal up to Pointless Poppy with all the wit and guile of a drunken ox - keen to get more than her fair share of the tips but even the woman without a brain isn't falling for Bianca's "I thought we were mates"... wow, that's pretty much "I'll be your best friend", a line people generally think is childish by the age of eight. Perhaps in Walford depression (outside of being symptomless when you're not in a darkened room) also has a ruinous effect on cognitive function... or Bianca stopped by Walford General on the way home and got the Poxy brain buster special.
Bianca whinges to Tanya about how Lola is hogging all the tips, loudly bemoaning how unprofessional it is and just generally acting in a way that would have even the most forgiving of people want to have her vivisected. Tanya tells them to take turns (did they forget as it was Pointless Poppy's suggestion) and asks Bianca not to raise her voice in the salon... Something almost as pointless as asking a volcano to stop being quite so hot.
Denise is searching her wallet for a tip - having complimented the service - and spills some of her change out, causing Bianca to immediately bemoan this insulting amount of money and (DRAMATIC IRONY ALERT! DRAMATIC IRONY ALERT!) then Denise reveals she was looking for a fiver and walk straight into Tanya, who miraculously doesn't fire her but says that she should go home and try again tomorrow.
Bianca wanders back home to be asked how much money she has made... and walks right back out the door again... and Derek is STILL there. Why did he bother getting his own house if he's apparently trapped in the kitchen of another house?
Tanya - is worried about THE CANCER FLU again but just like before she wants to keep this totally secret, even though she has no reason to think her cancer flu has returned. This time it's Abi that seems to be aware but this is temporarily pushed aside as Lauren lumbers down the staircase hungover and in her Freddie Krueger sweater.
Abi decides to talk to her sister... even though she has a few minutes before class (people in Walford still go to school? Since when?!) and tells Lauren drinking isn't the answer! Abi bemoans that when this all happens, it's because there's a big secret and is presumably hit by space radiation or something as she is transformed into THE HUMAN LIE DETECTOR! Immediately able to discern the truth of any statement Lauren makes!
Lauren - presumably keen to avoid the fact she and Joey were about to run away to undertake an incestuous relationship - throws out the fact that they have a long lost secret mixed race aunt that their grandmother never told them about. Realising this was probably pretty stupid, she then says she was joking but she's forgotten that having been bitten by a radioactive polygraph, Abi is THE HUMAN LIE DETECTOR!
She goes to the salon but leaves the moment Bianca mentions the scan Tanya mentioned earlier and then bumps into Cora (See! Perfect timing! Eat your heart out you neutral, cuckoo clock producing Toblerone munchers!), who is curious as to why Abi has left her a lot of messages... so, despite living just across the Square - she couldn't go and see her? Lauren reveals that she mentioned it, Cora lashes out, Lauren responds by mentioning the scan and not much of anything is achieved.
Abi - having remembered it will take her all of thirty seconds to get to her grandmother's flat - goes to see her and here we go with the story of Ava again. Her recounting of this tale is like a bus - none for 48 years and then a bajillionty come along at once. Abi is able to user her incredible new superpower to tell Cora that she actually wants to talk to Ava!
Knowing that with great power, comes great responsibility, Abi dedicates her life to righting wrongs and fighting injustice! Nah, she just gives her sister a hug as she finds her drinking and emotional. Aww. Let's see how understanding she is when she finds out that her sister is in love with their cousin...
Cora goes to see Ava and gives her a silver bracelet that she was given by Ava's biological father as well as a letter before walking off. What could it possibly say?
No comments:
Post a Comment