Max awakes to the aftermath of Lauren's destruction and the rest of the family then assemble to discuss what they're going to do. It seems that once again, Lauren's oft forgotten drinking problem has become serious - serious enough to warrant the cancellation of the wedding and the reference to the almost totally forgotten Billy, who died of alcohol poisoning.
So, the wedding is to be cancelled at the eleventh hour... goodness, let's hope there isn't some CRAZY scheme to get the wedding done at the last minute! Lauren attempts to make amends for her mega-tantrum - oh, come on on Lauren! Don't be so hard on yourself, the last time you did it you were another person! Dohohoho.
Arfuuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy talk about Christmas plans (with obvious foreshadowing of Arfuuuuur's miserable Christmas alone). Then we cut back to the entirely forgettable competition between Arfuuuuuur and the remaining Goony brother - which Arfuuuuuuur is apparently losing badly. Cue the woman without a brain, Kim to come to his assistance WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS.
Actually, that's just what the Crayon Crew probably write next to all of her storylines in the vague hope that one day they won't be soul crushingly awful. Her idea to help Arfuuuuuuur is "sex", which apparently involves her dressing like a prostitute. As this is Walford, this somehow seems to attract people's attention. This causes the Goony to retaliate by striping down to Christmas underwear - which is apparently a big draw... OK.
Billy Idiot has returned for a FAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMLEEEE Christmas but ZE SOCIAL is - according to Phil and thus, the writers - sufficiently spiteful and/or incompetent to not be able to facilitate such a happy event. Billy Idiot and Lola go to Phil's, all glum and Phil's place looks rather sparse but apparently Phil is an elaborate practical joker as he has put ALL his Christmas stuff behind a sliding door and he has Lexi... that seems a lot of effort to go to for just the two of them...
Kat - looking rougher than usual - wakes up to the even ugly reality of Derek, who is now trying to convince her that she and Tommy will make a fine addition to his FAMMMMMLEEEEE. What's next? He's going to break her leg and start looking after her a la Misery?
Poxy tries to convince Alfie not to open up but extraordinarily he actually says they need the business. That's a first! Then they see the blubbering Jean who is inconsolable due to Kat's betrayal but she is a mad woman, so Poxy distracts her with some words and she's right as rain! Then she's delegated to deliver Tommy to Kat. This allows her and Mo ample opportunity to express their shame, disappointment and anger.
Kat gets a frosty reception walking down the street with Tommy and then bumps into Alfie and Poxy. Kat is apparently taking him to see Santa, she thrust Tommy into Alfie's arms and this leads to a meaningful exchange of stares between Kat and Poxy. GRIPING! Alfie then tries to give tearful farewells to his son and then Kat half-heartedly asks about the voice message. You've got to try harder than that!
Criminal mastermind Derek sneaks back to his house, sits down after having shouted "Kat!" once in a room with the door open, before removing a large box to inspect his secret stash of items for his diabolical schemes! Not only is that something someone he could find easily, he KNOWS that the police like to raid his house! Apparently after this criminal plotting though, he gets straight to cooking.
Night falls (although, for once an appreciable amount of time seems to have passed) and we have Alfie in the pub and everyone is all hushed when they see him... that's not going to make an awkward situation more awkward or anything! The bet is remembered and the fact that the wager is between Alfie and Derek is mentioned... something that would have struggled to be interesting even if the Phantom Shagger plot had been done differently. Clearly in denial of his feelings, Alfie urges everyone not to be miserable but then perversely gets Kim (still dressed like a whore) to sing to them... that's surely a violation of the Geneva Convention!
Shirley having reappeared, steps outside and talks to Kat who was apparently just lurking by the exit of the Vic with Tommy, waiting for someone to come out and give her some trite advice before Derek comes to retrieve her.
Derek stops by to give Max some pigs in blankets (fifty four, if you were curious) and somewhat predictably, yet another one of Derek's laughable little deceptions collapses in on itself after the most cursory inspection... Max is not best pleased by the Hogfather's hamfisted machinations and says Derek is not longer welcome in his house, predictably Hogfather INSTANTLY leaps to his blackmail gambit... in fact, he's not content for just one. He doubles down and goes for the Lauren in jail AND the SECRET SECRET. Seriously, Derek - you do this EVERYTIME. Talk about leaving yourself nowhere to go...
Poxy starts making googly eyes at Alfie despite the fact the guy is an emotional basket case who looks about half a step away from an Ian Beale trampoid meltdown - although the only lasting side effect of that is apparently the substantial weight gain but no doubt the fact the bet betwixt Derek and Alfie was rigged by the Goony brother will keep him happy a little longer!
Arfuuuuur is surprised by Pointless Poppy and they're going to spend Christmas together and are now "going steady". This is before Alfie calls time but he's just messing with people because apparently, they're going to have... A LOCK-IN! Those always go so well!
Kat looks out across the Square, forlornly at the Vic and fortunately - Alfie has the exact same idea! If only there was some way people come communicate at distance! Then Derek waddles in to put an arm around her and it's Alfie's turn to give a meaningful stare off into the distance - who does he think he is, Brian Cox?
The Brannings are preparing for Christmas, as Max is apparently going to marry Tanya on Christmas day - unaware of the TERRIBLE HORRORS THAT AWAIT THEM! As Derek has apparently informed the goons involved in the SECRET SECRET the location of Max... uh... Max is a business owner, London is a big city but come on - how hard can it be to find someone with a business?!
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