Alfie is following his dear wife through the German fair like a serial killer before he's accosted by the drunken hen party and finally he gives some overdue abuse to Kim and then all of a sudden MORE drunken people get in the way as he tries to follow Kat... you wouldn't get very far as a private detective Alfie. It seems as if he's managed to lose Kat because of the inexplicably busy Albert Square but turns to see her doing what people in soaps often do - standing very conspicuously pondering her actions. In this case, it's going into the Phantom Shagger's secret flat.
Following Alfie goes into the flat and it's at around this point you should be getting a sinking feeling as the two worst characters seem as if they're going to at least be the main focus of this entire episode, if not monopolise it entirely... Best pour yourself a double quintuple to numb yourself...
Alfie puts his ear to the door of the flat before kicking the door in with such ease, it makes you wonder why people in Walford even bother with locks when it seems even a light breeze could smash a door open and there is Kat, in the lair of the PHANTOM SHAGGER but it's just her and a bed covered with rose petals - details so important they have to be conveyed via a POV shot!
Alfie demands to know where the Phantom Shagger is and Kat says "who?" Come on Kat, Alfie is stupid but he's not THAT stupid. Perhaps realising that a flat out denial isn't the best of tactics, she says he isn't there and Alfie starts to play twenty questions. You'd think the logical ones would be "who is it?" or "how long?" or even "why?" but no, Alfie wants to know where the Phantom Shagger is and when he'll be there - when Kat can't answer, he says she doesn't know much to whit she replies "You've got this so wrong!"
Goodness, Kat! With your reputation for wanton promiscuity, your track record of infidelity to Alfie, with him now finding you in a flat that isn't yours and finding the bed covered in rose petals how he could POSSIBLY be jumping to any conclusions?!
In a shocking bit of common sense and continuity, Alfie recalls the fact Kat had said the Phantom Shagger was not from Walford - she assures him that was the ONLY lie before saying that meeting him in the Phantom Shagger's "shag pad" is just to get him to leave her alone. If only you could just have told Alfie about this from the start? Oh, wait - YOU COULD HAVE. You could have done that at literally any point in the months this has been going on, in fact you SWORE to Alfie that you'd be honest about this stuff.
As she's a poorly written soap character though, Kat has saved it all up for one big impassioned exposition dump. In fact, she even says that she hasn't slept with the Phantom Shagger and it seems fairly clear she didn't have any intention of doing so, so there's really NO reason why she couldn't just have told Alfie all of this beyond plot contrivance.
So, you'd think at this point Kat would come clean. There's no REASON to hold anything back but no, when Alfie starts talking about jewellery - she plays dumb again but the real question is, did Alfie make sure to have the ring with him JUST in case be confronted Kat? For that matter, didn't Kat have the key and the ring in "hidden" in the same place. We don't see Alfie go into the Vic, so unless Kat had the key with her before Alfie's faux departure, how could she not notice the ring was missing?
Regardless of that, why does Kat have to be drawn on the issue of the ring? What has she to gain by being so recalcitrant to answer these questions? Oh, right - it pads the episode and lets Alfie be shouty and remember this is Eastenders! Shouting = acting and drama.
The cogs are still turning in Alfie's brain though and he suddenly realises that the only way the Phantom Shagger could have known about Kat's ring would be if they were a regular at the Vic - prompting Kat to insist he's just a dodgy bloke... WHY LIE?! Why, why, why? Where is the catharsis of confession? This all feels so jarring, so forced, so contrived. Why protect his identity?
She goes on about how he wouldn't leave her alone repeatedly. Oh, if only there was someone in your life you could talk to about that. Someone you had made a life long commitment to! Oh and what would be even better if there was some kind of organisation, some kind of force that take action against someone who is STALKING YOU. Oh, wait! THERE IS! You're making Kim look like a rocket scientist.
Alfie finally gets around to asking Kat who it is but she won't tell him because she's had a lobotomy that makes it look like Poxy got extra brains put in - she doesn't answer and when she spies the papers for the lease on the bedside table, she starts acting super suspicious before going nanners and trying to burn them... although, the most surprising thing about this scene is that in his struggle to get past Kat to see what's burning, Alfie doesn't knock her to the ground... cliché averted?
But Kat's wild flailings are insufficient and Alfie discovers the lease is made out to... MR. BRANNING! DUN DUN DUN! Oh and he doesn't stamp on the paper to put it out to check if there's anything that might identify WHICH Mr. Branning - he just reads that as it's on fire and then drops it (still burning) to the ground. Which inexplicably makes the entire room sound as if it has a giant roaring fire in it.
So, Alfie pieces it together and now it's time for... BRANNING BINGO! Eyes down! So, he runs down the three suspects and Kat continues the whole "I'm not telling you!" Come on! It's possible although, far from plausible that you thought you could spare extra drama and have an easier life by keeping the Phantom Shagger's identity a secret when Alfie found out the first time but he's been stalking you since your return and has shown NO intention of stopping - if you have a REASON to keep his identity a secret you HAVE to say what it is because this just smacks of a way to draw out a single scene to a full episode.
Kat then does the "hit me, I deserve it!" thing and then asks Alfie not give up on her...Maybe you should tell him who the Phantom Shagger is then? Right, that would require Kat to act like a human being and not the ambulatory plot contrivance she is for this storyline... She finally offers some justification for her idiotic actions by saying he'll get hurt and make things worse - predictably making Alfie shout - before he storms off to confront the Branning brothers... looks like your genius plan has gone and backfired, Kat.
Alfie's return to the Vic is so significant it requires not just one or two switches to Alfie POV shots but SEVEN before he's able to confront the troika known only as THE BRANNING BEAST! What follows is probably one of the most prosaic confrontations in Walford history, Alfie tosses the accusation at each of them in turn but no one immediately starts shouting or throwing fists... Alfie is loud and excessive in his directness almost to the point of offensiveness but everyone just flatly denies it.
All seems lost for Alfie - although, that doesn't stop everyone else in the pub from play statues - until a phone starts ringing! DUN DUN DUN! It's Kat and after a long suspenseful pause that would have been better suited to a talent show or Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, with each head of THE BRANNING BEAST shown in turn, Alfie returns the phone to Max. Who flat out denies it.
And then, finally - like the oppressive atmosphere of a thunderstorm breaking as the rain begins to fall - fisticuffs ensue but are quickly broken up when Kat bursts in to reveal it's not Max she was having an affair with but... DEREK! Wow, Kat was having an affair with the only LOGICAL suspect - disregarding his physical appearance, obviously - that is a twist as far as Eastenders goes.
So, there you go - the Hogfather is the Phantom Shagger! Yawn. Who cares - just get this wretched excuse for a storyline put to bed!
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