Lola is getting her hair done as she's off to court and we get more tedious encouragement of her fight to reclaim her stolen baby from Pointless Poppy - yawn... Pointless Poppy then finds out she'll be ALL ALONE IN THE SALON as Tanya is off to get the result of her cancer flu scan. Yes because we just see Tanya at the salon ALL the time. Apparently Bianca has to go to the job centre too but Tanya tells Poppy she'll write her a letter.
The occasional character Mr. Lister (the officious market inspector) appears in the salon but doesn't wan to spend a lot of money which rather begs the question of why he'd go to the salon in the first place and it's not exactly as if he has much hair to work with... but this is all just a means to precipitate his reunion with Bianca - who, as you've probably forgotten is the reason for her incarceration. Where could this lead?!
Oh, right. This is Eastenders. So, she grimaces and then we have Lister moaning about the water being too cold but then he gets to talking about his daughter's wedding (the reason for his haircut). He's never met his future son-in-law as he's apparently somewhat estranged, with his daughter's step-father giving her away.
Pointless Poppy has to see her sister and is thus leaving the entire salon in Bianca's (in)capable hands. Bianca starts going on about the overtly materialistic nature of her own ungrateful spawn, to which Lister wistfully tells her to cherish her kids. Goodness. Things go so well, he gives her a tip and says he'll talk to the court but this is spoiled as he storms back in, accusing Bianca of stealing a twenty pound note from him but he just misplaced it and is so overtaken by guilt, he gives it to her by way of an apology.
Derek swans around to Tanya's but he's not there to exude mild menace today, he's there to see his bruuuuv Scotch Egg - who lumbers in with a Christmas tree and Tanya feels the need to IMMEDIATELY castigate him for this because she doesn't want to go up the aisle with pine needles in her knickers... uh... Unless you're planning on attempting to copulate with it, that's probably not going to happen.
Scotch Egg seems OK with her snapping as she's on edge due to CANCER FLU! Which finally allows Derek to mention what he went round there for... THE SECRET SECRET! This is worse than walking in halfway through a phone conversation in an episode of the Sopranos! Scotch Egg says he can't keep producing money but Derek gives him a look, so he apparently IS going to keep producing money and this requires him to not go with Tanya to the hospital - so Lauren decides to go along instead, which seems to fill Abi with consternation for some reason.
Tanya has apparently noticed there is some tension between Abi and Lauren, which leads her to recall how she used to worry about HER sister (not the long lost one, the other one) and how ironic that her cancer flu might mean SHE dies first, causing Lauren to realise that this is how Abi feels... that is actually not awful. Not good but bits in Eastenders that aren't bad are about all you can really select for praise.
Apparently Tanya is considering letting Half-Day Alice be a bridesmaid - and really, why shouldn't she? But then, this is all wrapped in some bizarre existential conversation about everyone being "nice"... it's not a conversation two normal people would really have without some mind altering substance involved... Oh and she's fine, by the way - in the unlikely event you actually cared about the dreaded CANCER FLU!
Walford's greatest detective, Alfie Moon is looking for Count Moonula after his revelation on Tuesday. The revelation that Kat had been seeing a man - yes, that's a real game changer... Poxy pleads ignorance - there's a surprise - but Alfie is clearly none too happy. Although, apparently they kiss and make-up later in the Vic.
Phil showing his diplomatic skills is outside Jacknocchio's house, banging on the windows saying "WE'RE GONNA BE LAAAATTEEEE!" while Derek watches with amusement, providing him the perfect opportunity to drop the revelation that Sharon is on "happy pills". Fortunately, Sharon walks out immediately after this conversation concludes.
Count Moonula has apparently been hiding in the cafffff and tells Poxy to stop getting on his case. Surely, the best place to hide would be in your house and not a public place? No, wait! Too logical!
Despite being late, Phil starts giving Sharon the third degree about her drug use because right before the hearing is the perfect time to have a falling out but it doesn't really go anywhere and Sharon takes the opportunity to get out to have a go at Jacknocchio for telling Derek.
Pointless Poppy tells Lola that the only thing ZE SOCIAL need to know is that she loves the baby... that's stupid, even for you PP! If life were as simple as the lyrics to a Beatles song, things would be... like you'd taken a lot of happy pills, probably... Shirley - using her Lola tracker - turns up just in time to tell her that she shouldn't let Phil mess her around and then as soon as she's out of earshot says "lamb to the slaughter". Good to know you're so supportive! She gets in the car with Phil an Sharon - where Phil says she looks like a whore.. he's just all smiles and sunshine today.
At the court, Lola calls Billy Idiot (who isn't there) and then it's back to Phil discussing Sharon's drug use. Phil is apparently an expert on recovering from drug addiction - despite the fact his twelve step programme involved getting conked on the head by a burning support beam...
Before they get any further, the sleazy lawyer that you wouldn't trust with your loose change shows up and tells them they've got some limp wristed liberal judge who is a sucker for a sob story and so, his plan is for them to... TELL THE TRUTH! DUN DUN DUN! Then Phil upsets Sharon by telling the lawyer not to put Sharon on the stand.
Phil is asked about his relationship with his father - who was a drunken, abusive man... sound familiar? He then lays it on thick by doing his whole "I'm being telling da truuuffff!" thing. Lola struggles to answer basic questions about whether she'd be happy for Phil to be granted custody in a way that would make ANYONE suspicious with long pauses (punctuated by inexplicable looks at Sharon whose looks as if she's just suffered a stroke), blatant evasion, genuinely struggling to do more than nod assent AND FLOODS OF TEARS!
The ruling is then interpreted by the lawyer as meaning "We won." Which means, Phil won. They swan out of the courtroom and are all headed to a restaurant, sans Lola - who is clearly incensed that she will still only see Lexi three times a week. Showing the same diplomatic skill he has demonstrated throughout the episode Don Mitchelloni, tells her she wouldn't want to sit with grown-ups, shoves some money into her hand and tells her to get a taxi home and celebrate with her friends... DUN DUN DUN! He might as well have patted her on the head and said "never you mind your pretty little head about it."
Shirley tells Derek how unfit Phil is to be a father - jeez, woman! Change the record! Fortunately, Jacknocchio interrupts to moan about Derek spilling the beans to Sharon but before THAT can get underway, Scotch Egg calls to moan about how he isn't going to be able to get the money together to keep THE SECRET SECRET... well, secret - and this is after trying to flog a car and looking at some dodgy Internet site that DEFINITELY ISN'T wonga.com
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