Alfie is in his ridiculous robe, sleeping on the sofa when Kat walks in and he says he was kicking her but we all know the reason is that after her being unfaithful to him at LEAST three times that we know of, having a history of promiscuity and so on - that he has finally come to understand his wife is the village bike of Walford.
He finds her later dressing up to go out shopping but can barely stand the sight of her... join the club! He finally gets hold of Count Moonula but this is rather pointless as he knows nothing. Alfie is actually capable of remembering that Count Moonula cheated with his wife! He decides to quiz him (after rifling through Kat's purse, which she conveniently forgot) about his infidelity. The Count responds by making some fairly serious accusations against the institutional bias of the UK courts in custody battles... no need to get so political, Michael!
Kat returns, explaining away how she shopped despite not having her purse OR any bags - apparently Poxy lent her money... uh, it would have taken you a whole minute to run back from the tube. Anyway, Michael pretty much says that Alfie loves Kat BECAUSE she is a slag... does that make sense? Probably not.
Sharon, who has just walked into Jacknocchio's life - is a single mother, drug addict, well past whatever might have been considered her prime and is an all around emotional basket case on top of asking him to be complicit with her attempts to help her old flame gain custody of his grand daughter by means of fraud - demands that he take her Kinder Egg child to school. Oh, that's perfectly reasonable! Although, in fairness his excuse for crying off is that he'll be late for work. That drafty warehouse clearly needs one to be punctual to keep it sufficiently drafty.
This is all because she blames him for telling Derek - when it was actually her fault for leaving the pills out but facts don't factor in here and Jacknocchio even says the problem was her taking the pills in the first place and Sharon has the audacity to criticise him for not being supportive... yeah, the guy who has stuck with you despite all the previously listed flaws and is giving you free board and lodging DESPITE ALL OF IT... what a bastard. As if that wasn't enough, she becomes further enraged when he says he can't go to the Kinder Egg's nativity play and isn't too happy when Jack isn't going to that. She's a real keeper, Jack!
Phil is buying baby clothes by the truckload - presumably he has some kind of personal shopper, as this is done over the phone - when Shirley stops by for her daily dose of Phil abuse. Then she's off to stalk Lola again and appears just as Lola is making a purchase in the market. Making the helpful comment that Lola should be fighting. She's just such a constructive individual!
Sharon goes to see Lola and tells her that Phil is on her side and starts making promises that obviously aren't going to come to fruition and then hands what could easily be a hundred pounds... this from a woman who was so desperate for cash when she arrived on the Square she sold Jacknocchio her wedding ring... She must be saving a packet by staying with Jack...
Lola - undeterred by Shirley - goes around to see an supremely ungrateful Phil, whose house is now decorated in a way that will not immediately induce vomiting, dizziness and nausea in approximately half of all people. She notes that Phil is talking about "his baby", just making his evil machinations that much more transparent.
Just to show that Eastenders does have a sense of humour though, they put up the Action Line number (for the second night in a row)... how exactly is someone going to be affected by this kind of situation? They have their baby taken away because they're going (briefly) into police custody and ONE (of several) people who has some legal standing in regards to Lexi is mildly intoxicated, thus setting into motion an elaborate set of circumstances that are facilitate purely by the Crayon Crew's apparent loathing of the ZE SOCIAL and complete ignorance of the system - allowing the moustache twirling sunburnt boiled egg that is Phil Mitchell to gain custody despite having a criminal record longer than war and peace? Oh, when you put it like that - it makes total sense.
Derek stops by to see Tanya, his subtle menace is on today though and he coerces her into having Half-Day Alice as a bridesmaid... wasn't she OK with that yesterday? Oh and he announces that he's going to be best man. When Max returns, he's none too pleased about this revelation and storms off, heading straight for the Vic - where he meets Jacknocchio (having a healthy pre-lunch drink) and establishes that what Derek said was cobblers... you'd think a career criminal and crime boss like Derek would be able to tell a lie.
The brothers split up when Jean asks if one of them can intercede between The Count and Alfie but they both decide to scarper, Max's keen senses following the oily trail left by Derek's hair and finding him, just after he's laughed at Phil picking up a baby magazine. THE SECRET SECRET is mentioned yet again which effectively stops the conversation before it begins.
Jean tells Cora the laundrette isn't too Christmassy but Cora is the honey badger of Albert Square! The only thing we learn is that Cora doesn't like Christmas and Jean can't take a hint. Jean returns with a big box o' Christmas decorations despite Cora's active indifference as she and her granddaughter talk - Abi says she isn't buying Cora being stone hearted and we learn out Cora is only sixty six years old?! Wow, I'd have added twenty years to that!
Cora admits she's a hard person to love - at least she knows it - but gets emotional when she confesses that she shouldn't have given the bracelet to Ava, as it was something that demanded a response - something she had never previously expected. Fortunately, Abi is on-hand to lift her spirits. WITH TINSEL!
After decorating the laundrette, being visited by three ghosts and realising the true meaning of Christmas - Cora is rewarded with the appearance of Ava and she brought a card and everything!
Oh and Jack went to play! Yay?
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