Monday 11th March 2013

Bianca - being a working class mother that the Crayon Crew have to patronise - is clearly neglecting the fact that Liam has fallen in with the rainbow gang of youffffffffffffffff.

Dot has kicked Pointless Poppy out and this has upset her... and where else would they end up than the B&B. Which means we get to see the stomach churning sight of Max and his (secret) wife (sans make-up... the natural look isn't working for her) canoodling.

Tamwar has an important meeting... but no one in the Masood house can do laundry. So he looks like more of a berk than usual, which is saying something.

Ian makes conversation with Patrick - who advises him to just ask Denise out... goodness, this romance is so exciting!

Tamwar's important meeting - in the cafffffff, as most important meetings are - is with some market inspector chap... who tells Tamwar he's an idiot for believing the claptrap excuses of the people on the market and that he has to get them to pay their dues BY THE END OF THE DAY!

Kat isn't happy about the divorce because she doesn't seem to realise that lawyers are a necessary evil.

Liam's youffffffffffffffffffff gang are in the laundrette but Dot immediately kicks them out. Then she has an awkward conversation with Tamwar that will almost certainly diminish your will to live.

Poxy gives Alfie some advice on divorce proceedings - obviously, she's an expert on these kind of matters of  law being about as intelligent as a frozen fishfinger - but that doesn't last long as Secret Wife is on hand to moan about being in the B&B. Oh, if ONLY Max owned a house on the Square. OH! WAIT! HE DOES! Or if you don't want to force that issue, rent somewhere! This is apparently how she goes about the topic of getting a raise for her five minutes of work a week... the idiocy of this situation is ridiculous.

Pointless Poppy is STILL upset about being kicked out of Dot's and moans about this to Abi, who then goes on to complain how sixth form is so expensive... it is?

Alfie realises that having been divorced more time than he's had hot dinners will probably be a more reliable source of information than his lobotomised girlfriend and so tactlessly asks about it. Then Patrick appears! And Ian might be going on a date!

Pointless Poppy & Secret Wife have a discussion about life in the B&B, where they are now both in residence

Tamwar lacking a spine ineffectively asks Kat and Goonie for their pitch fees, in a manner more bashful than a teen talking to a member of the opposite sex for the first time. This leads them to the conclusion he's gone power mad... or, y'know - you're just being petulant children who are abusing his inability to interact with other human beings in anything approximating a normal manner.

Secret Wife is doing the rounds on the Square and offers Kat some legal advice. As Alfie has nothing better to do than occasionally walk into conversation Kat is having, he tells her things are going to be fine but she's worried what Tommy will think. It seems unlikely he knows what is going on, given that he's part of an ongoing game of pass the parcel.

The multi-ethnic youfffffffffffff gang appear and it's all down to Tamwar to stop their reign of terror - which consists of kicking litter around outside the cafffffffffff. What they haven't taken into account is that Tamwar is the most socially awkward human alive and merely being in proximity to him is unbearable if you've not become acclimatised... so they all slink off. Which gets him a round of applause.

Poxy admonishes Saint Alfie for not moving on... yeah a whole what... two months after he found out his wife was cheating on him? How long was he married for? Quite a while... and he's just supposed to be over this? Surprisingly, Saint Alfie doesn't just supinely take this but tells Poxy to shut her cakehole... about damned time. He's contrite immediately afterwards which spoils it a bit though.

Arffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuur goes for a heart to heart with Dot because he seems to be aware that there is more involved in Pointless Poppy's ejection from the house than merely his naked sleep walking.

Now, it's Monday on the Square and we all know what that means! PARTY NIGHT! The whole work week ahead of you, so what better way to prepare yourself for four more days of work that getting paralytically drunk? Which is why Secret Wife and Goonie are in the Vic getting drunk. Max does not seem impressed by this but Kat - who suggested this game - seems happy. Then she plays pass the parcel with Tommy. Is it normal for people to pass their kids around this many times a day?

Ian and Denise's romance is already on the rocks. Oh no!

The multi-ethnic youffffffffff gang orchestrates with military precision a hit on Tamwar, punching him and taking the pitch money. Oh no! And Tiffany saw it all! OH NO!

Pointless Poppy has turned up to tell Dot that she's forgiven and tells PP she can come back and despite having moments ago said that she and Arffuuuuuuuuur were going to get a place together immediately agrees! Oh no!

And it turns out Liam was the mastermind behind the heist! OH NO!

Friday 8th March 2013

Dot is pondering her letter from the council but just puts it back in the drawer it was in.

The slack jawed gawkers of Walford seem amazed that the shop is closed, unaware that within are trapped Ian and Denise - love's young dream... OK, middle aged desperation and fear of dying alone.

Phil is all smiles and sunshine - which prompts Count Monula to taunt Jack by saying "it must be  a bird". Jacknocchio goes to give Sharon's hair the third degree which is something she could certainly do with getting more - pointing out that he's left looking after the son she seemed to be having separation anxiety about only a month or two ago. Although, it seems strange he'd go on about ignoring kids given the number he has and barely remembers, let alone tends to.

Billy Idiot shouts at Lola and rightly points out King Phil is a capricious man and there's a good chance that he'll turn around and do the exact opposite of what he said last night - which is to say, grass her up to the police for becoming Ronnie #2.

Liam has reappeared - remember how he had a storyline about being a teenage tearaway? No? WHAT GREAT PACING! Anyway, Bianca is fussing over him and reminding us that in the eyes of the Crayon Crew - poor people are stupid. Also, parole officers can meet you in the caffffffff and flirt with your mother. This is starting to feel like a rinse and repeat of Carol's fling with a police officer and it hasn't even started. Yawn.

Pointless Poppy is eating humble pie for having gentlemen callers. This causes Dot to start quoting the Bible - never a good sign. Then PP makes the mistake of mentioning ZE COUNCIL! Ruhroh, that'll make Dot have one of her nervous turns.

Denise is the only person with keys to the shop - causing PP to assume she has been murdered. Kim being even more stupid than PP thinks this is true and tries to break in. This tomfoolery interrupts the musings of Ian and Denise on their night together - which is that they kind of like one another - because it sets off the alarm.

Dot takes to talking to Liam about school and gives him some money and tells him to stop truanting. Liam looks as if he might be thieving but instead returns the money to Dot's purse. Presumably he's dealing "the drugs" to make money, so he doesn't need help from Dot... oh and Dot talks about tackling problems before they get out of control. Dohoho!

Parole officer perv goes ahead  and asks Carol out on a date... no, there's no conflict of interest in dating the mother of one of your charges. That's the kind of thing they're not bothered about - obviously. Then Count Moonula tells her that Half-Day Alice has got her father's ashes down the back of the sofa in a carrier bag.

Ian and Denise are still trapped, as Denise doesn't want to be gossiped about but then the fuzz arrive and thankfully the alarm is turned off. They go into the store room to find only Ian but of course, Denise is hiding and Ian helps her to escape to safety.

King Phil turns up to demand Lola and Billy Idiot seek an audience with him in the afternoon. Then shouts at Sharon - your Ozzie Osborne impression needs work, Phil.

Kim is still agitating about Denise's "disappearance" but her sister appears and after a moment of confusion, it seems that Kim is stupid enough to think that Denise somehow locked up the shop without noticing Ian was trapped in the storeroom. Wait a second... the front door was locked, the alarm was on... did Denise do that BEFORE she got trapped in the storeroom. That makes no sense or did someone come in AFTER her to lock-up and if that's the case, why didn't Ian and Denise hear them? NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE!

Half-Day Alice suddenly remembers that she actually only knew her father for eight months... funny how she seems to have forgotten about her mother who she has known her entire life! Time for them to scatter Derek's ashes though.

The united street gangs of Benetton - comprised of every colour of the rainbow - appear... and as they're DA YOUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF they are up to no good and who should help them escape from the British Transport Police other than Liam? DUN DUN DUN!

Dot checks the letter from ZE COUNCIL from the expression on her face - not good news.

Liam goes to meet DA YOUFF outside absolutely-not-KFC but Shirley sees him with them and apparently, gangs of YOUFF make loadsa money... so Liam considers packing it in at the dangerously-close-to-copyright-infringement franchise and turning to the dark side... meaning, he wants to join DA YOUFF GANG!

Long boring scene with Half-Day Alice scattering her father's ashes with Kat and Carol. NEXT!

Ah, King Phil's diabolical plan comes to fruition. He pretends that he has been too lax with Lola and then plays off to SS Officer Joyless the fact his brief ripped into Lola as just him showing off...  Uh, no. That's something a brief would need to be specifically instructed to do. Anyway, Billy Idiot and Lola seem to be surprised that they've been shafted again and SS Officer Joyless doesn't really have any follow up questions to the obvious lie she has just been told. Then King Phil takes Billy Idiot off on a clandestine mission.

And Dot's house is getting repossessed!

Thursday 7th March 2013

Cora is here to save the day! Indeed, she has arrived to clear her name by catching a thief and she's not taking no for an answer!

Billy Idiot arrives at the Arches and concludes that with the fifty or sixty pounds Lola has taken - she could be ANYWHERE. Yes. It's not as if she left with a baby and absolutely no supplies.

Denise and Ian hijinks continue in a manner that was tired back in the eighties.

Dot and Cora continue to watch for the ham thief... it's like watching paint dry.

King Phil is driving around London in his Chelsea tractor... because the first place Lola would go would be some random street out in the surburbs. He's about to forcibly eject Billy Idiot from the car but Sharon's hair notices that Lola made another call. It took them THIS long to check who she called?

Ian shows Denise his tattoo, which apparently is some kind of shocking revelation and means he's a totally different person.

Back to watching paint dry where Cora and Dot debate the existence of ghosts and the soul.

King Phil finds that despite having  pressed criminal charges against her - and thus being responsible for her current predicament - Lola went to the leader of the Chav Troop for help and has gone to Tottenham, despite the assurance that she isn't there (after having taken King Phil's money), they have to check the house full of youffffffffff.

Ian and Denise are now onto impressions, which Denise takes as a good opportunity to make light of Ian's trampoid meltdown. Realising this, she apologises. That makes it all better then. This is actually the first time Ian has talked about his trampoid experience... an odd juncture for this. Oh and Ian apparently identified as Jesus during his trampoid stage.

Lola WAS staying with the Chav Troop - what a surprise. They're all smiles and sunshine now... and this is where Lola will hide out.

Arffffuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy return home to find Cora and Dot fast asleep on the sofa. So they put a blanket over them. Awww...

Billy Idiot and Dexter Fletcher are doing the "have you seen this girl" routine, in apparently random places...  that's unlikely to be fruitful. If only they knew Lola was sobbing her eyes out as a party is keeping her awake,  Lexi appears to be having a ball though. Oh no, the fuzz! CHEESE IT!

The thief has been uncovered! It was sleepwalking Arfffffffuuurr! Naked sleep walking Arfffffffffffffuuuuurrrr.

Ian and Denise talk about what romantic failures they are before having a kiss. Yikes.

Dot is upset about Pointless Poppy having gentlemen callers and lying about it but this is clearly projection about her own financial problems. No! Dot, don't think about them! If you forget about them, they'll disappear.

Sharon's hair has a go at King Phil and tells him that he's a monster. Lexi is just a replacement for Gok Ben - tell us something we don't know!

Cora has clocked that something is off with Dot and after proving she had given her key back, swaggers off  and Dot is in a state because of it. Perhaps she shouldn't leave that letter somewhere easily accessible.

Denise wants to hook up with Ian because people can ONLY be happy if they're in a relationship. Especially if they're women.

King Phil and Sharon go to a playground where Lola went as a child... given the size of London, it's remarkable that the Chav Troop's house was within walking distance of it... because of COURSE Lola is here as she mentioned it once to Sharon but she manages to hide. Which gives Sharon and Phil a chance to kiss - as if you didn't hate Sharon enough, eh?

Lexi gives herself away, presumably because she's as sick of this storyline as everyone else and King Phil gives Lola and Lexi and hug and thankfully, it's all over.

Wednesday 6th March 2013

King Phil, imbued with divine kingly powers knows from an open door that Lola has absconded with Lexi. Cue the bellowing sunburnt boiled egg shouting her name every couple of seconds... only for us to find that she is hiding behind a wall with Lexi sitting quietly in a pram. So, she managed to bring Lexi downstairs, get her silently into a pram and the only noise that gave her away was the door?! Wow, Lola must have accidentally gotten some ninja lessons when she was learning how to do hair.

Sharon's hair is drunk... and fortunately, ignores a call from King Phil. Oh, wait - he is calling her for more than twenty seconds and immediately Sharon's hair knows SOMETHING IS WRONG. Funny how people in Walford either leave their phones off or will pick them up REGARDLESS of what they're doing. You get the impression Sharon would have answered mid-coitus

Dot is going on about her "cold cuts" to Cora, who understandably tells Dot that she is bonkers. She is also not forthcoming with an apology for the alleged theft of the ham in question. For some reason, this makes Dot look as if she's having a fit.

Having just made up with Sharon's hair, Jacknocchio is keen to try and rub her up the wrong way as she runs off to King Phil's beck and call. Amazingly, Jack seems to have taken that proto-spine he had before and evolved into a full fledged vertebrate! He says he just did EVERYTHING she had asked of him but she throws it back in his face and when she says "there's a kid", points out that he's the one who is looking after the Kinder Egg abomination that she couldn't bare to be apart from only a couple of months ago... clearly the baby of a girl you barely know is a higher priority than the man you plan to marry or your own son! That was quite a breath of fresh air.

Dot's paranoia continues as she insists that Cora must have a key - she doesn't. Dot tries to goad  her into apology but this doesn't seem to work. So, Cora just walks out.

Lola's escape hasn't gone very well, as she hasn't even got enough money to get out of Walford... although, where she'd go after that is a mystery... but as she's about to return to the flat, she sees King Phil and Billy Idiot going in! King Phil plows in shouting "Lola!" He's starting to say it so much the word doesn't have any meaning! Then he looks lost when she isn't there.

Ian is talking up an aubergine... perhaps he's not over his trampoid mental lapse. Denise overhears him but doesn't put two and two together...

King Phil accuses Billy Idiot of being in on Lexi's baby heist but then he tells him this is all fault. Sadly, before he can punch Billy Idiot's head into a bloody pulp, Sharon's hair arrives to intercede. Then SHE tells him that he brought this on himself.

Back to the wacky romantic hijinks! Ian goes to try and ask Denise out. Fortunately she works this out and cuts short his blundering invitation but that doesn't stop the "neither of us are getting any younger" and telling her that she's menopausal. She then flirts with the delivery man to teach Ian a lesson.

King Phil busts into Tanya's house but Lola goes to the last place he'd expect - THE ARCHES! Where Dexter Fletcher is on hand to offer support. Cora isn't intimidated by King Phil though and is happy that Lexi has absconded with her baby!

Ian chases off the flirty delivery man by pretending to be married to Denise. That's a good way to win a woman over.

Cora returns to the laundrette and decides she will get to the bottom of Dot's problems by tempting her with  booze! It doesn't work though, as Dot wanders off.

The wacky hijinks never end with Ian and Denise as they hilariously get stuck in the back of the shop but "Wait!" you shout at your TV (probably because you've had one too many white wine spritzers to try and cope with a week involving five episodes of Eastenders) "This might have worked back in the 90s but everyone has a mobile now!" Ah but you see, dear viewer... it's not as if people keep their phones with them! Except, most people do - making the scene seem contrived.

Oh and Dexter Fletcher's mum gets him to go and grass up Lola but by the time King Phil arrives at the Arches, Lola and Lexi  have scarpered with the contents of the cash box.

Tuesday 5th March 2013

Lola's tiny chav brain is clearly overwhelmed with emotion as she stands screeching and crying at King Phil. Strangely enough, it takes Sharon's hair to actually speak to her at more than a hushed whisper both Billy Idiot and her brief just stare into the middle distance as the judge tells her to simmer down and only when the judge threatens to have her hauled off kicking and screaming does Lola sit down and guess what? Screaming  the odds in court doesn't go down well with judges. King Phil twirls his moustache as Lola strops out of the court.

SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL comes out of the courtroom asking King Phil about the allegations he's made out of the blue. Strange, you'd think a good time to mention that you hadn't heard anything about them might have been IN THE HEARING and of course, the scumbag lawyer is oozing his way out on a trail of oil while congratulating himself, Billy Idiot tries to threaten King Phil and is immediately rebuffed. Sharon's hair doesn't understand what is going on because she's thicker than two short planks and Jacknocchio turned up for some reason.

Back in the Square, Patrick is apparently now Denise and Kim's top priority. Which is why they fired the carer and she's running out the door to let someone that shouldn't be allowed to run a bath look after a vulnerable adult. Oh and Patrick smashes a bowl of soup trying to get a spoon... are we supposed to be reading into this that Patrick was very impatient, very stupid or is suffering from the onset of some form of dementia? Actually, he was able to punch Denise clear across the room standing on one leg drunk, so a spoon should have been easy.

Lola - for no discernible reason... although, that could be added to most sentences describing motivation in Eastenders - seems to think that Sharon's hair was in on King Phil's betrayal. Fortunately, Lola is able to tell Sharon she's stupid... it seems Sharon has made peace with this. Oh and SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL seems ineffectively sorry. What a character arc she has gone through... joyless jobs worth, joyless tyrannical overbearing officious bureaucratic visitor of injustice and now joyless ineffectual cog in the system.

Dot is trying to ignore away her financial problems... good luck, Dot!

Unfortunately, the "shocking" (in much the same way as one might be shocked that something knocked off a table progresses downward) revelation that King Phil was just trying to re-enact Ronnie's baby thieving antics in slow motion has got Sharon's hair in an all out asthma attack and what with it being Lola who is the aggrieved party here, it's understandable how Sharon's hair is all just "me, me, me". Somebody call this woman a wahmbulance.

Never before in the history of humanity has a mother being unjustly separated from her own child been a cause of such petty complaining by someone who barely knows them. If you SOMEHOW managed to not hate, loathe and actively despise Sharon and think that the prospect of an eternity being tortured in some manner of afterlife seemed too lenient a punishment for her truly sickening character, this is a good opportunity for you to reconsider.

So Jacknocchio apologises unreservedly. OK, he was in the wrong for hiding her passport but other than that Sharon has been repeatedly unreasonable and Jack has been outclassing Saint Alfie in terms of unimaginable patience in the face of overwhelming idiocy and insufferability.

Lola's spirit is broken and so, she bawls her eyes out going on about how being in care is in their blood... you'd think that would have been a point at which she might mention her own father... guess not. The only thing Billy Idiot can say is that SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL said she did a good job in court... yes, screaming the odds and crying your eyes out - that REALLY won the judge over.

Dot seems to have had one of her funny turns. For some reason she's calling cold meat "cold cuts", which is an Americanism if ever there was one and probably one the likes of which Dot wouldn't even be aware of. Then she starts blathering on about how her "cold cuts" have gone missing, prompting Arfffffffuuuuuur to suggest it's a poltergeist .. Which Pointless Poppy takes seriously, lest we had forgotten she's in the running for Walford's thickest. Fortunately, Dot tells Pointless Poppy not to be silly.

Sharon's hair goes round to console Lola but despite the fact she has decided to be her surrogate mother or some such, she can't go round and see King Phil because she and Jacknocchio need to smooth things over RIGHT NOW... even though he just told her she could sort things out with Lola. This means it's down to Billy Idiot to do it but Lola points out King Phil pays more attention to things he gets on his shoe that what Billy Idiot says...

Pointless Poppy and Arfffffffffffur seem to think that Dot is going mental, something she does little to dissuade them of when she comes in and says that she knows who the ham thief is. IT'S CORA! Yes, Cora not content with bringing down over a thousand pounds of rent arrears and a fraud investigation on Dot's head has now escalated her campaign to grand theft pork. Dot seems to clock the two youfffffffff think she is going bonkers though... it's not really fair that Poppy should be throwing stones, given the glass house her excuse for an intellect resides within but perhaps this is just the Crayon Crew reflecting the truth of the Dunning-Kruger effect. No, just kidding, the Crayon Crew's writings are clearly a demonstration of it though.

So, Billy Idiot and King Phil have their... pathetic confrontation.

Sharon's hair is being insufferable again. She seems angry that Jacknocchio was entirely justified in everything he said about Phil and then takes him to task for trying to apologise. Oh and she think this relationship is a partnership... just one where Jacknocchio has to agree with absolutely everything you do, regardless of how stupid it is (and it is all VERY stupid) and basically just be an enabler who can never offer even a contradictory opinion. Again, Hell would be too mild a punishment for this character.

Jacknocchio is prodded into talking about Ronnie... it's shocking he even remembers her, really... and then perhaps the most bald faced lie ever told - he says that Sharon's hair is just as good looking as Ronnie. Wow, it's a miracle Jacknocchio's nose doesn't shoot across the  room and impale Sharon to the wall given the size of that porkie.

Ian has smuggled some rum to Patrick but this is just a ruse to get the dirt on Denise.

King Phil is surprised Billy Idiot is still in his house but the only card Billy Idiot has to play is the sob story... which really means that he's just banking on Phil having one of his characteristic sudden changes of heart. A risky strategy as even if he does, he probably won't stick with it.

Sharon's hair makes the mistake of comparing Jacknocchio to King Phil (she actually goes so far as saying they both have their own kingdoms and are ready to go to war...  seriously, first Max and now Sharon... what's up with this? Real people don't talk like this!) and then finally, FINALLY Jacknocchio locates (or spontaneously grows) a vertebrae of some description and tells Sharon to stop playing the victim. HALLELUJAH!

He then essentially tells her, she's a slag... which leads him to slap him and then they kiss and things look as if they're about to get serious. Time for the ol' brain bleach.

Dot is doing some CSI Walford by accounting for all her crockery... or possibly trying to bore Pointless Poppy and Arffffffffffffffur to death  as punishment for thinking her a loon and after having proven she has the history of every single item in her kitchen memorised, she heads off to confront Cora. It feels as if they missed an opportunity for Dot to say "When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains - however improbable must be the truth."

Kim calls Denise JUST to tell her that she thinks Ian isn't so bad... while Patrick cottons on to the fact that Ian likes Denise and insists that he call her... which Ian will do, after he's had some more rum. Just as well he doesn't have a son with a new face or a stall to run, eh?

Jacknocchio and Sharon post-coital. This is probably how Sam Neill felt in Event Horizon and if you haven't seen that film, it's a good sci-fi horror including a pre-Matrix Laurence Fishburne. Also Sean Pertwee.

Lola breaks into King Phil's house - oh, wait... the door is unlocked because y'know, Walford is a crime free paradise. Then she sneaks in to listen to the ongoing Billy Idiot/King Phil discussion. Bad news for Lola though, despite his best efforts at being pathetic - King Phil seems adamant (for now) that Lexi is staying with him and then we doof doof doof with them finding the front door open. Perhaps Lola has absconded with Lexi? Who cares?

Monday 4th March 2013

Lola is hugging a stuffed toy and tucking it in as Billy Idiot shouts up the stairs. OK, she's emotional because of the hearing and there's no problem with her crying or maybe regressing sufficiently to hold a toy (especially if it was Lexi's, although the fact it's not partially digested suggests that isn't the case) but TUCKING IT IN?! Keep that up Lola and they might just haul you away.

King Phil apparently has a different brief and has Sharon eating out of his hand. No change there then... and as usual, she misses the grimace as she mentions the prospect of Lexi returning to Lola... but then, when Sharon jumps it's a miracle she manages to hit the Earth on her way down.

THE B&B HAS GUESTS! HOLY MOLY! Guests that are having breakfast!  Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse? Denise is a little uneasy around Patrick, what with him having punched her in the face the other day.

Lola is unimpressed by Billy Idiot's breakfast... as it appears to be ash on toast - that's hardly surprising. He then goes on to assure her about the outcome of the hearing, telling her with "all she has achieved" that this is pretty much a foregone conclusion... that's like saying you've got a sweetheart back home and when you get back you're going to settle down, have some kids and buy a farm... which, if you're wondering is where the expression "buying the farm" comes from, as a euphemism for death. You probably weren't wondering but you never know when general knowledge might save your life.

Kat wearing some kind of red cheetah patterned fur coat out of a fashion designer's darkest nightmares appears in Half-Day Alice's house and starts going on about Tommy (who she has packed off to playgroup) but there's rent that needs paying and Half-Day is still penniless... Was there nothing in Derek's will? Surely he must have had SOMETHING? And why is it presented as if the only thing for her to do is somehow eke out a wretched existence in Walford? What about her mother?

Lola is getting brief by SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL but everyone's favourite peroxide chavling just snaps and storms off. Billy Idiot doesn't even run after her.

Dot is fussing around when Pointless Poppy intrudes and then Arfffffffffffffffur joins in but he's brought a letter from... THE COUNCIL! It feels as though there should have been some thunder when Dot saw it.

Half-Day Alice is asking Count Moonula (despite him having given her a watch and explained his cash flow problems) for money and he just tells her to go up and raid Janine's jewellery and sell it off... Which makes you wonder why - if he is so unattached to it all and so hard up for money - this isn't something HE has undertaken. Oh, right - that would require the Crayon Crew to write characters and not just empty vessels for the plot.

Max remarks upon the unfortunate nature of Patrick's situation to Denise but seems decidedly unforthcoming as regards offers of his supernatural healing abilities to cure the lame (as he did with Jack), perhaps he was going to but Tanya and Jacknocchio interrupted?

SS Officer Joyless of ZE SOCIAL tells Billy Idiot that Lola's temper is her biggest hurdle... more like a brick wall if she blows up when people are just explaining what's going to happen in the hearing. It's so bad that Lola has gone to Pointless Poppy for solace... wow, that's a real low.

Arffffffffffur realises something is wrong with Dot and puts the kettle on. Magda tells Patrick things aren't easy for older gentlemen. Yawn.

King Phil greets his new brief with a harumph and then tells him they need a talk. OHOH! Could it be that King Phil is planning to stitch Lola up? It would be a real surprise if he didn't.

Lola receives ANOTHER motivational speech from Billy Idiot... two in one day? That's enough to break anyone's morale.

Max walks in on Patrick raising his voice to Magda - apparently, the Crayon Crew seem to think that people specialising in care for the elderly treat old people exactly the same as children but we've got a court scene involving ZE SOCIAL, so while that's monumentally stupid and horrifically insulting to an entire profession there is almost certainly worse to come - and confesses to hitting Denise. Max suggests he apologise but Patrick notes that apologies don't change anything, as Max should well know. Denise and Kim are also concerned by the impasse.

False alarm. Arffffffffffffffur didn't realise anything was wrong and as soon as he's out the door, Dot hides the letter from the council in a drawer. That's the spirit. Those financial problems will disappear in absolutely no  time!

Count Moonula walks in on Half-Day Alice trying on his (ex?) wife's clothes and doesn't seem at all bothered, quite the contrary. Kat comes a knocking, asking for cash. She knows Count Moonula doesn't have a bank account somehow... was that a joke? The writing is at times so monumentally stupid, it's really hard to know but then Half-Day comes sailing down the stairs and assures Kat that she has just been overspending.

Having seen King Phil's brief give the "are you sure you want to do this sneaky and underhand thing" bit, Lola turns up (at the last minute) and it's into the hearing. The idiocy begins quickly, as they're implying that Lola wasn't a good mother as she has made "great progress"... you took her child into custody because Billy Idiot was drunk and she was getting collared, when did her ability to look after Lexi come into the equation?

Jack and Tanya have been paling around all episode and she has got him doing odd jobs. To the shock of everyone, Ronnie is mentioned but even more shocking than a character's backstory coming up (although, the memory of his baby stealing ex-wife and dead son makes less impact on Jackncocchio than hearing his daily horoscope) is that Tanya says Sharon isn't stupid. Yes, she is, Tanya. Unless your contention is that the word stupid is insufficient to describe the mind boggling dearth of intellect Sharon possesses, you're wrong.

Patrick and Denise make up. Who cares?

Lola does her impassioned speech about how she loves Lexi and wants to be the best "muvva" she can be but at this point, King Phil dons his moustache, cape and top hat and begins twirling his facial hair at high speed as his brief begins to list a series of trivial infractions, which leads to a "WHY PHIL?!" because it's not as if this was obvious from the get go or anything!

Friday 1st March 2013

Jacknocchio - determined to prove he's more stupid than the wood he was carved from - is trying to reason with Sharon's hair and to prove that this is like trying to boil an ocean with a zippo lighter, she immediately tells him that it's all in his head... because obviously the best way to keep a manager is to needless give them the largest share in your business you can! Pretty standard practice, really.

Patrick is struggling to get up the stairs to have a shave... so, this is a B&B and they don't even have a basin on the ground floor? That seems stupid. Anyway, Magda to the rescue!

Abi makes the mistake of talking to Lola about her first time with Jay but this is broken up by the return of King Phil. Who is none too happy about Lola spending time with her own daughter - totally understandable, really. So the first thing he does is tell both of them to gerrr ourrr!

Further attempts to penetrate the seemingly impervious monstrous mess of Sharon's hair in the vain hope that beneath lies even a primitive central nervous system... this particular endeavour is undertaken by Tanya who brings up the fact she's getting nineteen percent of the club, is now moving into his house and that this is all from the man who proposed marriage to her... but that's water off a duck's back to the unmovable idiocy of Sharon's hair.

Oh and just to make her character even more despicable she makes it clear that she's doing this not JUST out of stupidity but also avarice because she only has the clothes she's wearing... perhaps you should have thought about that before you decided to leave your last husband at the altar? Oh and despite ALL this, she STILL thinks that she and Jack can work. Idiocy doesn't seem like a big enough word. Then she's running off to tend to King Phil like the burk she is.

Who should walk into the minute-mart having undergone one of the strange headswaps that adolescent undergo several times but Bobby Beale! Who wants candles for a birthday cake... because it's his father's birthday and as it's Denise and he and she are having an insipid and improbable romance subplot... love could well be in the air.

It seems that Dot has been smoking due to the stress and she also accuses Cora of stealing an ashtray... wouldn't it be better to make the more legitimate accusation that she is over a grand in arrears because of her? Although, the whole arrangement seems baffling but that's Eastenders finances in a word. Baffling.

The skeletal Lucy has made (although, this is painfully obviously one of the small cakes you get from a supermarket) the world's tiniest cake that barely looks like it would satisfy a fat person, let alone be sufficient for a birthday party involving more than two people... and let's face it, Lucy could use some cake.

Ian takes special note of the fact that Denise gave nu-Bobby the candles for free, in much the same way a detective would begin to ponder a fact that poked a hole in the alibi of a suspect. This apparently makes him realise they should celebrate his birthday (with a microscopic cake) at the Vic. Prompting Skeletor to ask who he'd invite... which in the isolated conclaves of Walford makes sense. Also, Skeletor clocks that he wants to romance Denise.

King Phil seems very concerned that the first thing a baby will do with a pen is jab it up its nose, directly into the brain. This is Walford, Phil - who'd even notice? Hell, if anything that seems like the kind of medical procedure that is carried out on most people on the Square  these days anyway but King Phil does not like to be trifled with and Sharon's Hair is on the receiving end of his rage, sling and all.

Patrick is frustrated by his isolation. If only he lived on a Square of people that NEVER go to work, eh?

In the caffffffffffff Masood is vexed (again) by his work and then gets a deadline from Geordie Racer, if he's not at the tube station at five - then it was not meant to be... and Dot and Ian have a depressingly clichéd talk about getting older.

Sharon's hair gives Lola a peptalk, which King Phil breaks up and obviously, Sharon is happy to stand up for Lola. There's no reason she should stand up for a man she's getting married to though. She even calls King Phil a pig and meekly accepts his assurances there will be no strings to her getting a share in the club... because he promised and King Phil, he'd never break a promise. The fact this woman can breathe is a miracle.

Masood is going to pack. He remembers he has four kids and goes on to list why he should leave Walford... really by using that kind of logic - everyone should be on the first bus out!

Sharon's hair seems breathily impressed by getting King Phil to pinky swear. Jacknocchio... well, he's just himself, alright? That's about all he ever really is. He's not quite an ambient sausage roll like Joey but you can tell they're pretty much descended from the same tree. Probably a birch. Apparently Jacknocchio's masterful plan to sabotage this deal with King Phil is to steal Sharon's passport... something so obvious even her pea brain cries foul almost immediately.

Poor Tamwar is getting abuse for being a market inspector. You'd think an opportunity to put distance between his constantly whining, constipated gangly mess of awkwardness that is a son would just be another pro on the list for Masood.

Dot is curled up by the phone, so she can... ignore the phone? But it was Ian, asking if you wanted a micron of birthday cake!

Ian gets probably the warmest reception in the Vic ever... what happened to a man who enjoyed a reception generally reserved for sexually transmitted diseases?! Denise even bought him a card! Then she blames Kim for not going to see Patrick... oh, if only YOU were close at hand to go and help him. Oh, right. YOU WERE.

Masood tells Geordie Racer that he'd rather stay with his son in the living hell of Walford than just leave and start a new life with her... she's not too pleased.

Denise and Kim return to find Patrick drunk and walking around and when trying to... uh, do... something? The drunken Patrick manages to knock her CLEAN ACROSS THE ROOM and yet somehow, remain totally upright despite having the use of only one leg AND being drunk. TAKE THAT SIR NEWTONIAN MOTION! Oh and Denise has got jam all over her face. Clumsy.

Jacknocchio admits to hiding Sharon's passport... oh, come on Jack! Apparently now Sharon signing the contract is her signing away them... the logical reaction would be to get her to sign that contract yesterday then!