The misery begins in the most efficient way (for the inducement of suffering in the viewer) possible as we are treated to the creature born of pure entropy - Kalfie. Alfie shouts like a loon at the window of the Vic (somehow knowing Kat is upstairs and in that room) before starting to spin around asking Kat to guess what he is... she shows surprising wisdom when she says "A NUTTTAAAAHHHH!" What a charmer but the brain damaged bartender is apparently being a carousel. Her mood sours (further) when she sees a large bunch of roses that are just sitting in the garden (positioned directly behind where Alfie was standing but which he apparently missed).
Gormless as ever, Alfie has apparently discovered this ENORMOUS bouquet of roses (easily worth hundreds of pounds but apparently this profligate gift is untouched by the overwhelmingly criminal inhabitants of Walford... Kat expresses FURTHER concern about his trip to Germany but Alfie is completely oblivious to this. Kat punctuates the scene by giving one of those "I've eaten something that doesn't agree with me." looks that have now become her trademark.
Her clever plan is apparently to go along with Alfie to Germany... OK, it's not clever. It's just a plan. Then the phone goes as she walks by it, who could it be?! Oh, right - it's THE PHANTOM SHAGGER! DUN DUN DUN! He must be psychic to have known she was JUST next to the phone at that point in time... that or he has the Vic rigged with cameras. That combined with his persistence (despite being repeatedly told it's unwanted), excessive gifts and creepy comments are making this storyline increasingly more like the prelude to a serial killer/rapist storyline than anything.
That is only added to when Kat goes into the dark cellar and finds the door ajar... some tension music wouldn't have been out of place here and then she turns to see a figure IN THE DARK! Oh, it's just Alfie there to tell Kat that Poxy has disappeared and can't run the bar - how convenient! She suggests Jean - really, someone you all treat like a Dickensian mad woman running the Vic? Actually, it's debatable as to whether that would be worse than Poxy and apparently Arfuuuuuuuur isn't a good choice.
Alfie makes a bit of a to do about his departure, only for us to realise in horror that it's... THE BRANNING BEAST! AVERT YOUR EYES! Kalfie have a kiss (that incites the five extras to emit a wooo!) before Alfie and Arfuuuuuuur disappear off. No sooner are they out the door than Kat gets Jean to watch the bar so she can "take Tommy to the doctors", even though it's pitch black out. She returns - apparently having gone to the doctor - and acts so suspiciously, even resident mad woman Jean is suspicious. She makes sure to lock and bolt her back door though - it's a shame getting upstairs in the Vic is easier than crossing the street then.
Kat takes Tommy upstairs to finds the Phantom Shagger has paid her another visit! Now, his little gift was a candle and he says that if she puts it in the window and lights it, "he'll come a knocking" - prompting her to throw the candle out the window. Just a little later we see Patrick giving Jean a candle. What could possibly happen?!
For unexplained reasons (aka plot convenience), Kat wants to close up early... ON A FRIDAY NIGHT! Oh, wait - the place is dead because as we all know, MONDAY is the big drinking night in Walford! So, after the last customer is out of the door - Jean goes to quiet down Tommy as Kat tidies up but what's that? SHE HAS THE CANDLE WITH HER! Yeah but she'd have to be mentally infirm to actually light a candle when there's a child clearly capable of getting out of bed... oh. Oh dear.
Jean mentions that she put the candle in the window and Kat rushes upstairs to put it out (although, she hesitates briefly) before going downstairs to pour herself a stiff drink. To up the creepy serial killer/rapist vibe - she is all alone downstairs in the dark as someone starts knocking and then rattling the door... it wouldn't be a particularly big tonal shift if the Phantom Shagger took an axe to the door at this point in proceedings!
Bianca and Carol are apparently at odds as Bianca seems apathetic - although she is going to provide a FEAST of chicken nuggets... what would Jamie Oliver say?! Carol says they need to start "working together" which enrages Bianca sufficiently that she has to go to the toilet!
Later, Carol and Derek are in the Vic (because alcohol in public houses in central London is something easily affordable for gigantic families barely managing to live above the poverty line). She is at a loose end and Derek vows that he will make a family out of Hogson and Half-Day Alice if it kills him. DRAMATIC FORESHADOWING!
They're called back as there is a FIRE IN THE DISCO! This is the second time in a week Derek has rushed toward a blaze - has he got a death wish? One sparks and WOOSH! His whole head will go up in smoke but apparently Bianca is incapable of preparing even chicken nuggets as she fell asleep at the table, which somehow caused her chicken nuggets to produce dry ice! She should sell that to Heston Blumenthal! Cue the ginger whinger having a cry.
The Hogfather remarks he has become rather good at saving the day and has a bit of a heart to heart with Bianca, he's able to relate to being in prison apparently, the quiet at night is unsettling after the constant noise when you're at Her Majesty's pleasure. This is actually a rather good scene - shocking, eh?
Derek breezes into the (main) Branning residence - they've taken over half the Square now! - and warns Tanya that she should be more security conscious as the door was on the latch. No one ever locks their doors in Walford. If they do, they open them to strangers/people they don't want to talk to and if not, they can be knocked down more easily than dominoes (as evidence by Phil "The Human Wrecking Machine" Mitchell), so... it seems like rather pointless advice.
He's just around to make a friendly demand of Tanya - that she ensure that Joey be banished from Cora's and start staying with him. OK, Tanya will have more pull with him that the Hogfather but she isn't a miracle worker - especially as she has burned her bridges with her mother... and given the clear animosity that exists between Hogfather and Hogson, it's not as if getting him kicked out is going to immediately equate to him moving in with Derek. He could just GO BACK TO HIS MOTHER!
Cora is apparently doing the Hogson a "big favour" by letting him kip at her house... she doesn't really seem to understand how the whole lodger proposition works as she seems almost amazed when he hands her a bundle of notes... which are all fifties... given that Walford is so deprived that it receives aid from Somalia and Ethiopia, why is it that fifty pound notes seem more common than fivers?
As Tanya is a complete idiot, she goes to see her mother to do Derek's bidding. She seems to have forgotten her mother is the honey badger of Albert Square (but without the looks) and seems surprised when trying to pressure her with Max's displeasure results in nothing but mild amusement. Cora doing the first sensible thing for ages tells Tanya to get out.
Immediately upon exiting, Derek is there asking if she has good news because he wants the Hogson HOMELESS! Doesn't he realise that at ANY time he could just go back to living with his mother? Perhaps he's banking on the Hogson being incapable of remembering that. Derek starts to get a bit aggressive but luckily, Sharon and her ridiculous hair/voice/acting come along to scare him off... she probably got stuck down a sofa for a few weeks, that's all!
They return to the (main) Branning residence and chat about her secret sister before we have mention of something we'd all forgotten - TANYA'S CANCER FLU! She's going for a scan next week. Will the Crayon Crew manage to remember it? That's about the only suspense in that plot point but the two vow to have a drink later as invisible Ian (quite a feat given the amount of weight he put on during his months of vagrancy) will babysit.
Sharon has apparently decided to use this opportunity to try and get Lola a job at the salon but even the ill defined financials of a Walford business can only have so many people on the payroll, so she's just going to be on work experience - brace yourself for "hilarious" hijinks - and then (because Tanya has absolutely no friends since Jane left and has known Sharon for maybe two months) she asks if she'd like to be the maid of honour!
Lauren goes to see Cora to find out why she was upset before and Cora spills her guts about her long lost daughter (again). She bemoans Tanya's meddling ways (she would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those pesky kids!) and then gets Lauren to get her a bottle of Scotch - I guess she forgot Lauren was an alcoholic but then, Lauren seems to as well.
It takes Tanya coming around to remind them that she suffers from a drinking problem but then, this is Eastenders where all problems seem to result in someone looking at the bottom of an empty bottle, so it seems strange that only a minority of people are ever called alcoholics when it's pretty clear Walford has a very pervasive alcohol problem.
Tanya tries to force Lauren home but then Joey walks in and she attacks him, then says she just wants to talk to him, then goes out the front door, leaving Tanya to lambaste her mother about drinking herself into oblivion WITHOUT her daughter next time - that's her told then! Joey has an expression on his face - in much the same way those manikins in stores do.
Abi and Lola have a chat in the caffffffff. Jay has gone off to see the solicitor about his murdering ways and Abi is apparently determined to show him she loves him whatever happens - we'll forget the fact she couldn't stand the sight of him when she found out because the writers do!
So, Patrick - fresh from being rebuked for daring to look at Cora - tells Jay that it's OK. Lots of people support him! That's nice - how exactly will it help him escape criminal charges though, Patrick? Still, Jay gets invited to the salon - where Abi has apparently set up some kind of lover's nest with enough candles to burn the whole country down... Clearly, she wasn't thinking about elf 'n' safety!
But this is apparently the moment that Abi wants to lose her virginity to someone who was an accomplice to murder/manslaughter... aww! Young love, eh? They don't go through with it though because Jay is apparently a eunuch and just wants a bit of a cuddle. AWW!
Friday 30 November 2012
Thursday 29 November 2012
Thursday 29th November 2012
We own to seeing the spineless Alfie proclaiming that the grotty (and mostly forgotten) Walford market is going to be transformed into Hamburg - a prospect about as realistic as a well written episode of Eastenders...
Pointless Poppy enlists the help of Arfuuuuuur and Tamwar to try and resolve these financial concerns - clearly unaware that if they are ignored, they will remedy themselves - but they leave as Cora has risen from the grave to kill again! Only to discover about Lauren's car crash. She has a go at Tanya for not telling her.
The terrifying sight of Kalfie in the Vic kitchen rears its ugly head. Alfie is so surprised at opening a letter of Kat's that it suddenly sounds as if he's talking later and in a totally different place... but that happens a lot in Walford due to time and space folding abilities of the houses - it's murder on the acoustics! It's surprising we don't hear the clanging of a plot point being dropped though, as it's for an open house for the bedsit, clearly sent by... THE PHANTOM SHAGGER! In lieu of writing in lipstick on mirrors though, she actually calls him up to tell him to lay off... it really says a lot about the unadulterated idiocy of writing when that actually qualifies as one of the most intelligent things Kat has done in this whole Phantom Shagger debacle... Will she tell the clueless Alfie though? NOPE!
After remarking how the German market is already costing them money and listening to the nonsensical blatherings of Jean for about a minute, she heads off to the open house - having received a text from the Phantom Shagger. She gets there to find flowers in the shape of a heart on the bed - that must have taken a while! - and a message (in lipstick!) on the mirror about how he's counting the hours. Kat immediately wipes the mirror clean of the message and throws her key into the bin before strumping back to the Vic.
Apparently at some point, Kalfie have agreed they can open each others post - seems like a bad idea in the run up to Christmas - and Kat has to watch a gleeful Alfie open a package delivered by courier, despite the Phantom Shagger sending her a text that says "the postman always rings twice"... and what is this? It's a big wodge of cash and a ferry ticket, so Alfie can go to Cologne! Kat looks as if she has been punched to the gut but no one ponders just how someone was able to anticipate this eventuality and get a courier to arrive less than an hour after this trip had been decided upon... but then the Phantom Shagger is mysterious!
While Alfie is being a berk (although, it may be easier to say when he ISN'T being one) with Tommy, Kat receives another message from the Phantom Shagger proclaiming "Now I've got you all to myself". Uh... he's starting to sound less like someone Kat is having an affair with and more like a stalker/rapist/serial killer... maybe that message on the mirror wasn't in lipstick, maybe it was dried blood?! Actually, that would make for a far more interesting twist to this painfully dull story than is likely to happen but fingers crossed.
Pointless Poppy finds a mass of FINAL DEMANDS at Cora's flat. Cora is sitting on the sofa, looking more mummified than usual - the only indication of life being the smoking cigarette wedged between her fingers. The phone rings, without causing any reaction in the comatose Cora - Pointless Poppy gets it and tells Patrick that Cora is asleep... that's an overstatement! Fossils have seemed more life like! But just to make sure we didn't forget the FINAL DEMANDS, she stares at the thick pile of them with concern.
Gloomy guts Carol checks on the ginger whinger Bianca, only to find out that she was... sleeping on the floor? Then we see her forcefully brushing Twitney's hair - both Carol and Twitney rejecting her offer of a haircut, which she takes great offence to... you have NO QUALIFICATIONS! She then rolls into the salon after noon - wasn't she supposed to be starting in the MORNING? But it's OK, Tanya had apparently completely forgotten.
She gets someone to work on but HILARIOUSLY, it's an old woman! Oh, wait. That isn't funny. Neither is the fact Bianca - not exactly known for her soft spoken voice - shouts everything at her and manages to instantly knock everything within arm's reach to the ground. Next thing we know, she's back at home moping and then all of a sudden, she's in the Vic and Pointless Poppy tells her she can do a proper trial on Monday and she's all smiles and sunshine.
Lauren - still with some dried jam on her forehead - is calling Joey... apparently she has now remembered mobile phones exist and that she owns one! Tanya comes in and Lauren launches into an "it's all my fault" tirade but Tanya points out the hospital know that Lauren was drinking... uh, how? Are we supposed to believe they'd draw blood for a possible concussion? And if this could lead to the possibility of perverting the course of justice as she says, then DEREK IS EQUALLY AT RISK OF THAT!
Then we get Walford PD at the door! Quizzing people in the comfort of their own homes with not one but TWO police officers. Lauren does a bit of faking out where it seems as if she's going to say Joey wasn't driving but she's just foolin' around and doesn't change her statement. Making you wonder why the police had to waste time going to see people WHO MIGHT NOT EVEN BE IN. Your taxes at work!
Joey is apparently hiding out/sleeping in the club - it's good to know someone is using it! He bumps into Derek in the Square, who offers him a place to stay before the marauding police officers ask him to accompany them to the station just as well they found him! Lauren arrives just to see him getting into a police car (to drive the hundred or so metres to the police station), at which point a conveniently positioned Jacknochio opines that he's "in for a stretch" and asks "what was he thinking?". Probably "AHHH! WE'RE GOING TO CRASH INTO A POUND SHOP THAT APPEARS TO BE IMPROBABLY SITUATED ON AN INDUSTRIAL ESTATE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!"
Walford's Hogfather of crime appears in the Germanised Vic - this constitutes German flags and polka music - to break the news about the Hogson staying around to the Scotch Egg... and then, horror of horrors the three headed Branning Beast has reconstituted itself! Derek then goes on to tell his brothers this is a "new start".
Alfie starts discussing the German market with the Branning Beast and within moments, it has been agreed that he is off to Germany to pick up crates of German goodies as this will be a "nice little earner". Complete with everyone in the Vic spontaneously agreeing to it and Jacknocchio making sure we appreciate that it's going to happen by saying "That's settled then, Alfie." Wow, if not for that line - I'd have never guessed that the matter was settled! Except it's not as Kat - points out he won't have enough money.
Lauren turns up at the police station to do what people in Walford ALWAYS do outside the police station - admit guilt to a crime loudly. Joey does the "it was just a bit of fun!" but Lauren parries with "look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me!" Joey walks away before he has to consider acting.
And apparently, he's going to become Cora's new lodger because he talked to Arfuuuuuuurrr. Despite the fact Joey is apparently a gigantic woman magnet and Arfuuuuur could have been co-habiting with his lady friend! A point so obvious that Tamwar has to point it out for Arfuuuuuuurrrrr - who is sleeping on the Masood's sofa - who then looks very worried.
Oh and Lauren as apparently remembered her drinking problem because Tanya finds her in the shop buying a bottle of vodka. They have a heart-to-heart later where Lauren tells her mother what happened outside the police station, Tanya trying to suppress a smile when her daughter says that her cousin doesn't love her. Touching.
Pointless Poppy enlists the help of Arfuuuuuur and Tamwar to try and resolve these financial concerns - clearly unaware that if they are ignored, they will remedy themselves - but they leave as Cora has risen from the grave to kill again! Only to discover about Lauren's car crash. She has a go at Tanya for not telling her.
The terrifying sight of Kalfie in the Vic kitchen rears its ugly head. Alfie is so surprised at opening a letter of Kat's that it suddenly sounds as if he's talking later and in a totally different place... but that happens a lot in Walford due to time and space folding abilities of the houses - it's murder on the acoustics! It's surprising we don't hear the clanging of a plot point being dropped though, as it's for an open house for the bedsit, clearly sent by... THE PHANTOM SHAGGER! In lieu of writing in lipstick on mirrors though, she actually calls him up to tell him to lay off... it really says a lot about the unadulterated idiocy of writing when that actually qualifies as one of the most intelligent things Kat has done in this whole Phantom Shagger debacle... Will she tell the clueless Alfie though? NOPE!
After remarking how the German market is already costing them money and listening to the nonsensical blatherings of Jean for about a minute, she heads off to the open house - having received a text from the Phantom Shagger. She gets there to find flowers in the shape of a heart on the bed - that must have taken a while! - and a message (in lipstick!) on the mirror about how he's counting the hours. Kat immediately wipes the mirror clean of the message and throws her key into the bin before strumping back to the Vic.
Apparently at some point, Kalfie have agreed they can open each others post - seems like a bad idea in the run up to Christmas - and Kat has to watch a gleeful Alfie open a package delivered by courier, despite the Phantom Shagger sending her a text that says "the postman always rings twice"... and what is this? It's a big wodge of cash and a ferry ticket, so Alfie can go to Cologne! Kat looks as if she has been punched to the gut but no one ponders just how someone was able to anticipate this eventuality and get a courier to arrive less than an hour after this trip had been decided upon... but then the Phantom Shagger is mysterious!
While Alfie is being a berk (although, it may be easier to say when he ISN'T being one) with Tommy, Kat receives another message from the Phantom Shagger proclaiming "Now I've got you all to myself". Uh... he's starting to sound less like someone Kat is having an affair with and more like a stalker/rapist/serial killer... maybe that message on the mirror wasn't in lipstick, maybe it was dried blood?! Actually, that would make for a far more interesting twist to this painfully dull story than is likely to happen but fingers crossed.
Pointless Poppy finds a mass of FINAL DEMANDS at Cora's flat. Cora is sitting on the sofa, looking more mummified than usual - the only indication of life being the smoking cigarette wedged between her fingers. The phone rings, without causing any reaction in the comatose Cora - Pointless Poppy gets it and tells Patrick that Cora is asleep... that's an overstatement! Fossils have seemed more life like! But just to make sure we didn't forget the FINAL DEMANDS, she stares at the thick pile of them with concern.
Gloomy guts Carol checks on the ginger whinger Bianca, only to find out that she was... sleeping on the floor? Then we see her forcefully brushing Twitney's hair - both Carol and Twitney rejecting her offer of a haircut, which she takes great offence to... you have NO QUALIFICATIONS! She then rolls into the salon after noon - wasn't she supposed to be starting in the MORNING? But it's OK, Tanya had apparently completely forgotten.
She gets someone to work on but HILARIOUSLY, it's an old woman! Oh, wait. That isn't funny. Neither is the fact Bianca - not exactly known for her soft spoken voice - shouts everything at her and manages to instantly knock everything within arm's reach to the ground. Next thing we know, she's back at home moping and then all of a sudden, she's in the Vic and Pointless Poppy tells her she can do a proper trial on Monday and she's all smiles and sunshine.
Lauren - still with some dried jam on her forehead - is calling Joey... apparently she has now remembered mobile phones exist and that she owns one! Tanya comes in and Lauren launches into an "it's all my fault" tirade but Tanya points out the hospital know that Lauren was drinking... uh, how? Are we supposed to believe they'd draw blood for a possible concussion? And if this could lead to the possibility of perverting the course of justice as she says, then DEREK IS EQUALLY AT RISK OF THAT!
Then we get Walford PD at the door! Quizzing people in the comfort of their own homes with not one but TWO police officers. Lauren does a bit of faking out where it seems as if she's going to say Joey wasn't driving but she's just foolin' around and doesn't change her statement. Making you wonder why the police had to waste time going to see people WHO MIGHT NOT EVEN BE IN. Your taxes at work!
Joey is apparently hiding out/sleeping in the club - it's good to know someone is using it! He bumps into Derek in the Square, who offers him a place to stay before the marauding police officers ask him to accompany them to the station just as well they found him! Lauren arrives just to see him getting into a police car (to drive the hundred or so metres to the police station), at which point a conveniently positioned Jacknochio opines that he's "in for a stretch" and asks "what was he thinking?". Probably "AHHH! WE'RE GOING TO CRASH INTO A POUND SHOP THAT APPEARS TO BE IMPROBABLY SITUATED ON AN INDUSTRIAL ESTATE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!"
Walford's Hogfather of crime appears in the Germanised Vic - this constitutes German flags and polka music - to break the news about the Hogson staying around to the Scotch Egg... and then, horror of horrors the three headed Branning Beast has reconstituted itself! Derek then goes on to tell his brothers this is a "new start".
Alfie starts discussing the German market with the Branning Beast and within moments, it has been agreed that he is off to Germany to pick up crates of German goodies as this will be a "nice little earner". Complete with everyone in the Vic spontaneously agreeing to it and Jacknocchio making sure we appreciate that it's going to happen by saying "That's settled then, Alfie." Wow, if not for that line - I'd have never guessed that the matter was settled! Except it's not as Kat - points out he won't have enough money.
Lauren turns up at the police station to do what people in Walford ALWAYS do outside the police station - admit guilt to a crime loudly. Joey does the "it was just a bit of fun!" but Lauren parries with "look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me!" Joey walks away before he has to consider acting.
And apparently, he's going to become Cora's new lodger because he talked to Arfuuuuuuurrr. Despite the fact Joey is apparently a gigantic woman magnet and Arfuuuuur could have been co-habiting with his lady friend! A point so obvious that Tamwar has to point it out for Arfuuuuuuurrrrr - who is sleeping on the Masood's sofa - who then looks very worried.
Oh and Lauren as apparently remembered her drinking problem because Tanya finds her in the shop buying a bottle of vodka. They have a heart-to-heart later where Lauren tells her mother what happened outside the police station, Tanya trying to suppress a smile when her daughter says that her cousin doesn't love her. Touching.
Tuesday 27 November 2012
Tuesday 27th November 2012
Joey is lurking - like the big glass of water he is - in the Square, watching Lauren, Tanya and Max return home. Tanya catches his eye as she closes the door - DUN DUN DUN! In the Branning house, Abi has teleported back in from wherever it she has been hiding for the past few months and Max immediately instructs her to put Joey's stuff in a bag... because spite is more important than caring for your injured daughter! Then Tanya decides to lay into Lauren about her incestuous relationship... what about FAMMMMLLLEEEEE?
But then - apparently because all knowledge of mobile phones has been erased from her brain - Lauren asks her mother to go and find Joey... but Tanya insists he'll be "miles away", even though she just saw him in the Square... bit of a porkie pie there! Joey then goes to see his dear old dad, Derek - perhaps to worship the ground he walks on? Half-Day Alice is threatening to leave but Derek castigates his two children at sufficient length for misery guts Carol and the ginger whinger Bianca (complete with Bianca's brood) to enter. Abandon hope...
The issue of accommodation comes up, as for one the TARDIS like space-folding abilities of the house to accommodate a transfinite amount of people are apparently on the fritz but Half-Day Alice mentions she's leaving (again) but as we all know, she's said that she's leaving for REALSIES this time and so can conclude she'll be out of Walford before her half-day off work is over... so, around the entropic heat death of the universe.
Of course, Half-Day Alice has to look as if she's going to leave (because she is leaving, FOR REALSIES!) and hands over her key to her father before leaving with Joey in tow. Derek looks a bit sad but clearly bucks himself up because not much later and he's gone to see Tanya to discuss the situation. Tanya wants Joey out of Walford but Derek is still keen on reconciliation (because that's about all he seems to do, offend his offspring and then reconcile) and predictably blackmails Tanya with the prospect of changing his statement.
Tanya even points out the obvious problem with this - Derek is an ex-con... but fails to remark that he wasn't even AT the accident and there's absolutely no way that there'd be sufficient evidence for a conviction... although, this is Walford PD, where a witness statement from an estranged son against his father to an event he didn't witness that there is VIDEO EVIDENCE OF... perhaps it's not worth the risk but the fact Derek is potentially opening himself up to charges of perverting the course of justice or interfering with a police investigation never gets a mention.
Joey and Alice - both leaving the Square FOREVER (for REALSIES) are still hanging around the Square in the cafffffffff. Max, everyone's favourite Scotch Egg, comes to give Joey a hard time about almost killing Lauren and saying he doesn't care about her. DOHOHO! THE IRONING IS DELICIOUS! Then Tanya comes in to break it up and asks if his statement will hold without Derek's, which prompts him to get up and leave.
Alice tries to persuade him no to leave because of FAMMMMLEEEEE and Joey looks in serious danger of trying to act. So does Alice, actually but don't bite down on your suicide capsules! They don't. Half-Day then reveals that even though she was leaving (FOR REALSIES!) that she isn't leaving. What a surprise.
Joey being the Romeo of this tale, sneaks into the Branning house to see Lauren. She's downstairs because the last place you'd go when you've been seriously injured would be your ACTUAL bed, no - you want to lay on a big sofa that isn't designed for people to sleep on it! Tanya sees this and doesn't say anything until Joey is about to leave, remarking that he really loves Lauren and that he should stay to say goodbye.
For no discernible reason, she's then in the salon and Derek enters and what else can happen but she tells him that she tried to get Joey to stay, with the Hogfather then offering somewhat sinister assurances that if she scratches his back, he'll scratch hers. Naturally, Tanya asks that they keep this between themselves because telling Max about this would be FAARRR too sensible and there is absolutely no way that this could POSSIBLY come back to haunt her!
Bianca is looking for a job and as an unqualified, forty-something single mother of a baker's dozen with experience almost exclusively in getting fired, there's one thing we can be almost certain of in these tough economic times - that she'll get a job before the end of the week, if no before the end of the day and sets her sights on Booty's, just a week or two after we had Tanya saying she couldn't afford to take anyone else on. So, clearly - there's absolutely NO chance of Bianca getting the job there.
She begs for a job from Tanya (complete with a plea to FAMMMMLLLLLEEEEE) but when that fails, Tanya makes some small talk about prison! Always a good topic! Tanya's rejection of Bianca is clearly a huge blow for her though, having been back in Walford for at best a few hours and having asked for a whole ONE job - it's understandable how this would really knock the wind out of her sails.
Things get worse though, she receives a second rejection! Making her look utterly dejected but who is that? Goodness, it's Tanya and she says that Bianca can try working for her tomorrow. What a terrible state the economy is in, Bianca must have been out of work for what... almost three hours! No wonder the country is in such a state!
Having received this good news, she tells Carol that she's going for a lie down but actually, she is up in her room CRYING! DUN DUN DUN! What terrible things have happened to the ginger whinger in prison? As with the vast majority of storylines - the real question is "does anyone care?".
Arfuuuuuur is practising a rap to amaze Pointless Poppy (he needn't have bothered, a laser pointer of something shiny would have kept her entertained for hours) when Moe comes in to be creepy and inappropriate in a way that - were the sexes of the characters swapped, would be judged outright rapey and completely unacceptable but this is Eastenders! GENDER DOUBLE STANDARDS? WHAT ARE THOSE?! So, it's fine!
As we've established that Arfuuuuuur has had all his knowledge of women removed the clearly infatuated Poppy looks like a puppy that has been hit with rolled up newspaper when he ignores her and then seems proud that he "played it cool", a point so painfully at odds with reality even the clueless asexual Tamwar has to come over to explain - with the laboured expression of a character who suffers from terminal constipation - that he's an idiot.
Arfuuuur returns home, bemoaning his newly discovered idiocy only to find that Moe has rented the house to Derek and she throws in another rapey comment too, which has Tamwar's terminal constipation briefly intensify.
And in a storyline that no one ever cared about - the PHANTOM SHAGGER RETURNS! Having somehow infiltrated the Vic and left Kat a watch with the suggestion they should see each other again... granted, everyone in Walford is stupid and no one locks their door but this whole situation where Kat and the Phantom Shagger communicate exclusive through lipstick on mirrors and expensive gifts makes an already idiotic storyline that much more stupid... but the Crayon Crew are to be commended for finding entirely new ways to scrape the barrel.
Alfie is apparently shocked that Walford council aren't putting lights on the Christmas tree. So much so that he pretends to be sipping from an empty mug - oh, wait. He always does that for some reason but he has now resolved to get Christmas tree lights... because it's not as if it has been repeatedly stated that the Vic is teetering on the brink of major money troubles! Oh! Silly me, they haven't paid any attention to that for a while, so that's all solved itself!
The gibbering fool returns later with a bucket and making the fateful proclaimation that this will be... THE BEST CHRISTMAS WALFORD EVER HAD! Something likely to merely stoke the baseless hysteria about the 21st of December, 2012... for no properly defined reason, Alfie's plan is to exploit sibling rivalry between the Branning brothers (one of whom is the Phantom Shagger) to get Christmas tree lights, a revelation that causes Kat to look as she just stood in something unpleasant.
The Phantom Shagger storyline - aside from being ridiculous even by the standards of Eastenders, tedious and unbelievably stop start - has a very serious problem that the Crayon Crew don't seem to have considered. None of the suspect MAKE ANY SENSE. Now, we know that Kat is a slag of vast, nigh unimaginable proportions so we'll take it as read that looks aren't a factor (they never are in Walford), if that's the case - Derek is the only Branning it can be.
The Scotch Egg is so short of money, he has to go cap in hand to Derek to sort out his mystery problem... and if he's in love with Kat (and all the indications are that there's more than just the physical to the relationship the Phantom Shagger and Kat have), why bother going through with the wedding to Tanya? That seems like a big waste of time and money that's just going to lead to another messy divorce.
Jacknocchio doesn't exactly seem like he's flush with cash at the moment either given that he presumably has to pay maintenance on his dozens of illegitimate offspring and his main source of income is a big empty barn... perhaps more importantly, after calling Sharon a prostitute, he's pretty much gone out of his way to woo her... and why engage in that kind of undertaking if he's in love with Kat?
Derek doesn't really present any problems. We know he's running Walford's criminal underworld at the moment and he has access to counterfeit cash, so he could afford to lavish Kat with gifts and rent a flat for the affair and so on. He also isn't in a relationship, so there's no problem in that regard... It still doesn't make a lick of sense and it seems reasonable to say that the inherent logic of this choice means that it almost certainly WON'T be Derek...
But then - apparently because all knowledge of mobile phones has been erased from her brain - Lauren asks her mother to go and find Joey... but Tanya insists he'll be "miles away", even though she just saw him in the Square... bit of a porkie pie there! Joey then goes to see his dear old dad, Derek - perhaps to worship the ground he walks on? Half-Day Alice is threatening to leave but Derek castigates his two children at sufficient length for misery guts Carol and the ginger whinger Bianca (complete with Bianca's brood) to enter. Abandon hope...
The issue of accommodation comes up, as for one the TARDIS like space-folding abilities of the house to accommodate a transfinite amount of people are apparently on the fritz but Half-Day Alice mentions she's leaving (again) but as we all know, she's said that she's leaving for REALSIES this time and so can conclude she'll be out of Walford before her half-day off work is over... so, around the entropic heat death of the universe.
Of course, Half-Day Alice has to look as if she's going to leave (because she is leaving, FOR REALSIES!) and hands over her key to her father before leaving with Joey in tow. Derek looks a bit sad but clearly bucks himself up because not much later and he's gone to see Tanya to discuss the situation. Tanya wants Joey out of Walford but Derek is still keen on reconciliation (because that's about all he seems to do, offend his offspring and then reconcile) and predictably blackmails Tanya with the prospect of changing his statement.
Tanya even points out the obvious problem with this - Derek is an ex-con... but fails to remark that he wasn't even AT the accident and there's absolutely no way that there'd be sufficient evidence for a conviction... although, this is Walford PD, where a witness statement from an estranged son against his father to an event he didn't witness that there is VIDEO EVIDENCE OF... perhaps it's not worth the risk but the fact Derek is potentially opening himself up to charges of perverting the course of justice or interfering with a police investigation never gets a mention.
Joey and Alice - both leaving the Square FOREVER (for REALSIES) are still hanging around the Square in the cafffffffff. Max, everyone's favourite Scotch Egg, comes to give Joey a hard time about almost killing Lauren and saying he doesn't care about her. DOHOHO! THE IRONING IS DELICIOUS! Then Tanya comes in to break it up and asks if his statement will hold without Derek's, which prompts him to get up and leave.
Alice tries to persuade him no to leave because of FAMMMMLEEEEE and Joey looks in serious danger of trying to act. So does Alice, actually but don't bite down on your suicide capsules! They don't. Half-Day then reveals that even though she was leaving (FOR REALSIES!) that she isn't leaving. What a surprise.
Joey being the Romeo of this tale, sneaks into the Branning house to see Lauren. She's downstairs because the last place you'd go when you've been seriously injured would be your ACTUAL bed, no - you want to lay on a big sofa that isn't designed for people to sleep on it! Tanya sees this and doesn't say anything until Joey is about to leave, remarking that he really loves Lauren and that he should stay to say goodbye.
For no discernible reason, she's then in the salon and Derek enters and what else can happen but she tells him that she tried to get Joey to stay, with the Hogfather then offering somewhat sinister assurances that if she scratches his back, he'll scratch hers. Naturally, Tanya asks that they keep this between themselves because telling Max about this would be FAARRR too sensible and there is absolutely no way that this could POSSIBLY come back to haunt her!
Bianca is looking for a job and as an unqualified, forty-something single mother of a baker's dozen with experience almost exclusively in getting fired, there's one thing we can be almost certain of in these tough economic times - that she'll get a job before the end of the week, if no before the end of the day and sets her sights on Booty's, just a week or two after we had Tanya saying she couldn't afford to take anyone else on. So, clearly - there's absolutely NO chance of Bianca getting the job there.
She begs for a job from Tanya (complete with a plea to FAMMMMLLLLLEEEEE) but when that fails, Tanya makes some small talk about prison! Always a good topic! Tanya's rejection of Bianca is clearly a huge blow for her though, having been back in Walford for at best a few hours and having asked for a whole ONE job - it's understandable how this would really knock the wind out of her sails.
Things get worse though, she receives a second rejection! Making her look utterly dejected but who is that? Goodness, it's Tanya and she says that Bianca can try working for her tomorrow. What a terrible state the economy is in, Bianca must have been out of work for what... almost three hours! No wonder the country is in such a state!
Having received this good news, she tells Carol that she's going for a lie down but actually, she is up in her room CRYING! DUN DUN DUN! What terrible things have happened to the ginger whinger in prison? As with the vast majority of storylines - the real question is "does anyone care?".
Arfuuuuuur is practising a rap to amaze Pointless Poppy (he needn't have bothered, a laser pointer of something shiny would have kept her entertained for hours) when Moe comes in to be creepy and inappropriate in a way that - were the sexes of the characters swapped, would be judged outright rapey and completely unacceptable but this is Eastenders! GENDER DOUBLE STANDARDS? WHAT ARE THOSE?! So, it's fine!
As we've established that Arfuuuuuur has had all his knowledge of women removed the clearly infatuated Poppy looks like a puppy that has been hit with rolled up newspaper when he ignores her and then seems proud that he "played it cool", a point so painfully at odds with reality even the clueless asexual Tamwar has to come over to explain - with the laboured expression of a character who suffers from terminal constipation - that he's an idiot.
Arfuuuur returns home, bemoaning his newly discovered idiocy only to find that Moe has rented the house to Derek and she throws in another rapey comment too, which has Tamwar's terminal constipation briefly intensify.
And in a storyline that no one ever cared about - the PHANTOM SHAGGER RETURNS! Having somehow infiltrated the Vic and left Kat a watch with the suggestion they should see each other again... granted, everyone in Walford is stupid and no one locks their door but this whole situation where Kat and the Phantom Shagger communicate exclusive through lipstick on mirrors and expensive gifts makes an already idiotic storyline that much more stupid... but the Crayon Crew are to be commended for finding entirely new ways to scrape the barrel.
Alfie is apparently shocked that Walford council aren't putting lights on the Christmas tree. So much so that he pretends to be sipping from an empty mug - oh, wait. He always does that for some reason but he has now resolved to get Christmas tree lights... because it's not as if it has been repeatedly stated that the Vic is teetering on the brink of major money troubles! Oh! Silly me, they haven't paid any attention to that for a while, so that's all solved itself!
The gibbering fool returns later with a bucket and making the fateful proclaimation that this will be... THE BEST CHRISTMAS WALFORD EVER HAD! Something likely to merely stoke the baseless hysteria about the 21st of December, 2012... for no properly defined reason, Alfie's plan is to exploit sibling rivalry between the Branning brothers (one of whom is the Phantom Shagger) to get Christmas tree lights, a revelation that causes Kat to look as she just stood in something unpleasant.
The Phantom Shagger storyline - aside from being ridiculous even by the standards of Eastenders, tedious and unbelievably stop start - has a very serious problem that the Crayon Crew don't seem to have considered. None of the suspect MAKE ANY SENSE. Now, we know that Kat is a slag of vast, nigh unimaginable proportions so we'll take it as read that looks aren't a factor (they never are in Walford), if that's the case - Derek is the only Branning it can be.
The Scotch Egg is so short of money, he has to go cap in hand to Derek to sort out his mystery problem... and if he's in love with Kat (and all the indications are that there's more than just the physical to the relationship the Phantom Shagger and Kat have), why bother going through with the wedding to Tanya? That seems like a big waste of time and money that's just going to lead to another messy divorce.
Jacknocchio doesn't exactly seem like he's flush with cash at the moment either given that he presumably has to pay maintenance on his dozens of illegitimate offspring and his main source of income is a big empty barn... perhaps more importantly, after calling Sharon a prostitute, he's pretty much gone out of his way to woo her... and why engage in that kind of undertaking if he's in love with Kat?
Derek doesn't really present any problems. We know he's running Walford's criminal underworld at the moment and he has access to counterfeit cash, so he could afford to lavish Kat with gifts and rent a flat for the affair and so on. He also isn't in a relationship, so there's no problem in that regard... It still doesn't make a lick of sense and it seems reasonable to say that the inherent logic of this choice means that it almost certainly WON'T be Derek...
Monday 26 November 2012
Monday 26th November 2012
The Crayon Crew having turned Eastenders from a metaphorical car crash into a literal one returns to the modern day incestuous Romeo & Juliet in the car - which had crashed into a store of some description. Apparently this car doesn't have airbags... Joey regains consciousness but Lauren is unconscious and has apparently managed to smear jam on her head...
Having just been involved in a serious car accident, Joey immediately gets on his phone to call the emergency services. Oh, wait no. How stupid of me, that would have been the LOGICAL thing to do. No, he gets out the car and when he can't open Lauren's door, he smashes the window open with an iron. Just as well Alice calls him up! So he can tell her to call the police and ambulance! Oh but wait, even when we cut back to her a few minutes later - she has just watched her father kick down the door to the car lot and make off in one of their car, taking just long enough to remind her to call the ambulance... Why wouldn't that be something you'd do IMMEDIATELY!? Or why doesn't Joey take the thirty seconds to do it?
The big galoot had the presence of mind to tell Alice about it when she called him and he must know that brains aren't exactly what the Branning clan are known for and that his sister especially has a brain that is on a half-day! Why not go with the old stand-by of having the phone not get any reception or have it be damaged? Oh, right because we want the Hogfaher to drive off there and for the police/fire/ambulance people to arrive after they'd have served any purpose but wait, the idiocy is even GREATER because Derek apparently takes Half-day Alice's phone... So, we have four people that know about this car crash and zero people that have dialled 999.
Oh and as this is a car accident in Eastenders - it takes less than thirty seconds for there to be flames licking out from under the bonnet of the car. How or why this is even physically possible is never explained but is it possible this car is going to explode as if it was made out of nitroglycerine? As surely as if this was an episode of Mythbusters!
As soon as Lauren is out of the car, they make their way toward the (predictably locked) fire exit - looking around to see that the top of the METAL CAR is burning as if was made of petrol soaked shellsuits and children's toys and this is after about thirty seconds! Before anything sensible - like trying to kick down the fire exit - can be undertaken, Derek arrives on the scene to stand in front of the shop. Conveniently for the purposes of heightened drama, this strange shop has been constructed in such a way that smashing through the front causes a massive obstruction - this certainly ought to give people thinking of ramraids food for thought!
Somewhat disappointingly, Joey and Lauren are both helped out by Derek mere moments before something completely unexpected happens. The car explodes as if it was made out of nitroglycerine! There goes the budget for the rest of the year! Having just almost died, Joey and Lauren hold hands as they lay on the ground. D'aww!
Derek - showing a surprising presence of mind - advises the two that they need to leave and given the fact that this is Walford where the police will turn down people offering full murder confessions and apparently there are no repercussions for running off from a very expensive wedding without paying - it doesn't seem as if they'd have to worry about any follow up on it but managing to totally negate the advice, Derek then spends about two minutes asking Lauren if she was drinking (despite it being obvious she had been) as the police get closer... why didn't they just drive off?
Having insured that they'll all get their collars felt for this accident, Derek tells Joey that he'll have to take the fall as Lauren would go to prison for drink driving. So, Joey just rolls with that and says he swerved to avoid a dog (as you do) but having just escaped a potentially fatal car crash AND fire AND lied to the police, it's time for some family time at the hospital!
Lauren decides that now is the best time to reveal to her mother not only that she was the one driving the car when it crashed (and that she was over the limit AND that she lied to the police at Derek's behest), she decides to just throw out the revelation that she and Joey are in love!
Similarly, Derek having saved the pair says that Joey and he are now going to be the best of friends and that he'll tell Alice about his deception. As one might guess, Joey is not overly fond of eating humble pie to whit Derek responds that if he doesn't, he'll tell the police she was driving and they'd have to breathalyze her. He then goes on to make similar threats to Tanya... Uh, there's just one problem with your master plan there Hogfather, in a few hours that alcohol will be out of her system and then you've got nothing except the allegation with precisely no evidence to back it up. So, this is like threatening someone with a knife made of ice in a boiler room but somehow Tanya and Joey (both being massively stupid) think this is a credible threat and Joey breaks it off with Lauren and is so upset, he almost changes his facial expression. Almost.
In the Square, Cora and Tanya have a friendly chat about the long lost sister, where Cora tells her non-lost daughter to shut up and keep her nose out of it. We cover old ground until Tanya says that Cora abandoned Ava which results in a slap. Sadly, this isn't the end of it with Cora drearily droning on about how her emotional distance is all down to having abandoned Ava - yawn! What tediously trite writing. Yes, for a young mother to be forced to give away her child is going to scar her but guess what? Lots of people make mistakes or have bad things happen to them - it doesn't give you carte blanche to be a bitch and yet somehow Tanya doesn't call her on this, she just weeps... perhaps she's realised how incredibly stupid she is?
Having not been QUITE enough of a bitch, Cora goes home to see Patrick standing on her doorstep and lets him inside for just long enough to tell him that she never wants to see him again. Then she disposes of the keepsake from Ava to round it out. They worked pretty hard at making someone who gave away a child utterly unsympathetic but all credit to them, they managed! Wait, that's probably a bad thing. Oops but the Crayon Crew excel in nothing if not abject failure at understanding even the basic elements of storytelling.
Friday 23 November 2012
Friday 23rd November 2012
It's the end of the week but it's not the end of Branningeddon...
Tanya, Cora and long lost Ava stand around and we have the mandatory part where Ava finds out that she's Cora's daughter. Cora then wanders off with Tanya trying to talk to her but goodness, that didn't work too well! She heads home to hit the bottle and inevitably, Patrick has to reveal that he told Tanya about the long lost Ava.
Cora moans about the whole experience of having a secret child, given away to strangers at birth with all the emotion of someone describing a boring French trip from their schooldays with the bottom line being - her baby died, that woman is nothing to do with her... a sentiment so callous and stupid that it prompts Patrick to pull the "I've got a dead son (well, not really but it's complicated)" card.
Tanya and Ava have an awkward conversation which Lauren bursts in on but despite the fact she's obviously distressed, Tanya shoos her away so she and Ava can continue the awkward. Tanya starts babbling about her family before Ava turns the social unease to eleven by asking whether she would have returned. We don't get an answer to that, although the clear implication is a no.
Cora strides in and all but throws Tanya out the room so she can take her turn at an uncomfortable conversation with Ava. It's actually surprisingly restrained, the easy way to play this would have been the usual tearful hugs but there's just that disconnect between two people that only have their DNA in common... that doesn't make up for the fact it's so incredibly dreary but it makes a change from shouting and crying. A boring change.
For some reason, everyone on the Square seems to have forgotten about mobile phones today because Tanya barges into the caffffff asking if Patrick has seen Max, after this he sagaciously tells her that it's down to Cora and Ava to sort things out... Slight problem there, Ava has left and Cora is alone, crying in a darkened room!
In the dark and dingy love nest that is the car lot office, Joey - knowing that everyone in Walford is good at keeping secrets - immediately confesses that he faked his injuries as a means of getting Half-Day Alice away from their father. Lauren takes this deliberate piece of manipulation - made rather amusing by the fact Joey bemoans Derek's manipulation of Half-Day Alice - rather well though! Then they realise being cousins might prove somewhat problematic - especially as they both live with Max. However, even the flames of forbidden incestuous love can apparently be dampened by the grimness of the car lot, so the two decide to leave - having had a tryst in a suitably visible area.
Lauren then meets Derek in the warehouse and reveals that he knows she and Joey are shacking up and sets his menace to maximum when he tells her that he needs to see Joey at the car lot OR ELSE. Meanwhile, Joey has made the classic Eastenders mistake of assuming the volume equals drama... both he and Half-Day Alice look as if they're considering acting... but don't worry, they don't. Joey is going on about how the Hogfather is awful and used to beat their mother but Half-Day Alice (despite having only met her father a few months ago and having repeatedly been shown that he is little more than a thuggish criminal who will lie to her face repeatedly) is just too stupid to see sense.
Lauren, having received no help from her mother, decides the best plan is to remember that she's a problem drinker! So, this being a time when she needs help from her friends (Lucy and Twitney), what else would happen but the topic turns to Joey and it takes less than a minute for a "fight" to break out! Broken up after about five seconds by Joey RUNNING into the Vic - say what you like about his mono-expression he clearly has some kind of Spidey sense!
This prompts Lauren to choose Joey over Twitney and Skeletor - proving Skeletor doesn't understand the importance of FFFAAAAAAMMMMMLEEEEEE! Lauren then tells Joey that Derek is onto them and that their romance is doomed - goodness, this is getting to be a bit of a love story for the ages! Joey's solution to this is - predictably - running away... although, as it's running away from Walford, it's a good plan.
Hilarity ensues when Lauren returns home asking her mother if she can talk again, which leads to her mother being extremely dismissive and even asking why people never ask her how she is - it would seem Tanya has forgotten the whole cancer flu incident where Lauren was sworn to secrecy FOR NO REASON. Lauren packs her bags and Joey steals car keys from Derek.
As this wouldn't be Eastenders without monstrous stupidity, Joey makes sure to honk the horn repeatedly to attract the attention of Derek - who does not look best pleased. The two talk about their escape from Walford and how it's "like a film". So... with this happily ever all but a foregone conclusion, Lauren looks at the radio dial for about a minute and shockingly CRASHES! Truly, this is our generation's Romeo & Juliet!
Tanya, Cora and long lost Ava stand around and we have the mandatory part where Ava finds out that she's Cora's daughter. Cora then wanders off with Tanya trying to talk to her but goodness, that didn't work too well! She heads home to hit the bottle and inevitably, Patrick has to reveal that he told Tanya about the long lost Ava.
Cora moans about the whole experience of having a secret child, given away to strangers at birth with all the emotion of someone describing a boring French trip from their schooldays with the bottom line being - her baby died, that woman is nothing to do with her... a sentiment so callous and stupid that it prompts Patrick to pull the "I've got a dead son (well, not really but it's complicated)" card.
Tanya and Ava have an awkward conversation which Lauren bursts in on but despite the fact she's obviously distressed, Tanya shoos her away so she and Ava can continue the awkward. Tanya starts babbling about her family before Ava turns the social unease to eleven by asking whether she would have returned. We don't get an answer to that, although the clear implication is a no.
Cora strides in and all but throws Tanya out the room so she can take her turn at an uncomfortable conversation with Ava. It's actually surprisingly restrained, the easy way to play this would have been the usual tearful hugs but there's just that disconnect between two people that only have their DNA in common... that doesn't make up for the fact it's so incredibly dreary but it makes a change from shouting and crying. A boring change.
For some reason, everyone on the Square seems to have forgotten about mobile phones today because Tanya barges into the caffffff asking if Patrick has seen Max, after this he sagaciously tells her that it's down to Cora and Ava to sort things out... Slight problem there, Ava has left and Cora is alone, crying in a darkened room!
In the dark and dingy love nest that is the car lot office, Joey - knowing that everyone in Walford is good at keeping secrets - immediately confesses that he faked his injuries as a means of getting Half-Day Alice away from their father. Lauren takes this deliberate piece of manipulation - made rather amusing by the fact Joey bemoans Derek's manipulation of Half-Day Alice - rather well though! Then they realise being cousins might prove somewhat problematic - especially as they both live with Max. However, even the flames of forbidden incestuous love can apparently be dampened by the grimness of the car lot, so the two decide to leave - having had a tryst in a suitably visible area.
Lauren then meets Derek in the warehouse and reveals that he knows she and Joey are shacking up and sets his menace to maximum when he tells her that he needs to see Joey at the car lot OR ELSE. Meanwhile, Joey has made the classic Eastenders mistake of assuming the volume equals drama... both he and Half-Day Alice look as if they're considering acting... but don't worry, they don't. Joey is going on about how the Hogfather is awful and used to beat their mother but Half-Day Alice (despite having only met her father a few months ago and having repeatedly been shown that he is little more than a thuggish criminal who will lie to her face repeatedly) is just too stupid to see sense.
Lauren, having received no help from her mother, decides the best plan is to remember that she's a problem drinker! So, this being a time when she needs help from her friends (Lucy and Twitney), what else would happen but the topic turns to Joey and it takes less than a minute for a "fight" to break out! Broken up after about five seconds by Joey RUNNING into the Vic - say what you like about his mono-expression he clearly has some kind of Spidey sense!
This prompts Lauren to choose Joey over Twitney and Skeletor - proving Skeletor doesn't understand the importance of FFFAAAAAAMMMMMLEEEEEE! Lauren then tells Joey that Derek is onto them and that their romance is doomed - goodness, this is getting to be a bit of a love story for the ages! Joey's solution to this is - predictably - running away... although, as it's running away from Walford, it's a good plan.
Hilarity ensues when Lauren returns home asking her mother if she can talk again, which leads to her mother being extremely dismissive and even asking why people never ask her how she is - it would seem Tanya has forgotten the whole cancer flu incident where Lauren was sworn to secrecy FOR NO REASON. Lauren packs her bags and Joey steals car keys from Derek.
As this wouldn't be Eastenders without monstrous stupidity, Joey makes sure to honk the horn repeatedly to attract the attention of Derek - who does not look best pleased. The two talk about their escape from Walford and how it's "like a film". So... with this happily ever all but a foregone conclusion, Lauren looks at the radio dial for about a minute and shockingly CRASHES! Truly, this is our generation's Romeo & Juliet!
Thursday 22 November 2012
Thursday 22nd November 2012
Tanya is all mopey because apparently going to see her long lost sister for five minutes under false pretences and not revealing their relationship wasn't fulfilling, she decides to go around and make amends with her mother and what better way to do that than pretty much demanding she cancel her plans to go out with Patrick and spend time with her - despite the fact Cora even says "that's not us". Anyway, apparently even the Crayon Crew can't stand to add more padding to this and so Patrick decides to call off his dancing and Cora and Tanya are going to... BAKE A CAKE! Could the fact that the two of them are in the same location and that Lauren found the primary school brochure laying around (not to mention the forgotten purse!) mean anything? Nah, it's probably nothing!
Hmm, the fact she's lost her purse is brought up when she goes to buy cake ingredients... eh, still probably nothing. Then we're treated to Tanya and Cora have an awkward cake making session - where it takes Cora all of thirty seconds to point out that Tanya is acting incredibly suspicious but she's able to cover this by just saying "I DIDN'T REALISE YOU HAD IT SO HARD!" and then "I LOVE YOU!"
After idly remarking upon Lauren having a man in her life and some boring chat about Cora meeting Max, Denise and her cognitively impaired sister appear for no real reason to help with the cake baking... Kim apparently think that Tanya would be a better sister than Denise but as soon as they're out the door, Tanya and her mother admit that they can't stand her. OH THE HILARITY! But gasp - there's a knock at the door! That's almost certainly just Kim and Denise though, they probably just forgot something... but for some reason, Tanya decides to sneak off to buy a bottle of wine? So, there's DEFINITELY no chance that the long lost Ava could come to return that long lost purse - there's just no way!
Oh. It's her. Ava has come to return her purse. Wooboy, did not see that coming. Of course, Cora HAS to invite her in... that, I suppose isn't unreasonable. In fact, Cora only discovers that it's Ava at the end of the episode for our the DOOF DOOF... so, expect more tomorrow!
Max is a little upset at this cake making plan as he has to do his accounts. Now, you're probably thinking "aren't there other tables he could work at?" but the answer is no. All accounts MUST be done at the KITCHEN table and no calculators or computers allowed! Which is why he goes off to see some boxing in the middle of the day in the middle of the week with Jacknochio because, that's when people are free to go and see this kind of stuff!
Derek perpetuates the lie of Ray being aware of her crush to Half-Day Alice (she's on a half-day, funny that!) while making sure to insult his estranged son. Lauren takes the opportunity to make it as obvious as possible that she has something to hide - fortunately, Joey's face gives away nothing... no change there then.
Alice goes to the "boxing expo", in the "gym" - or what normal people would consider a smallish poorly lit warehouse unfit for human use - and confronts Ray about all the trash that Derek says he has been talking about her, only for Ray to go "I didn't say that." A revelation so profound, Alice looks as if she's considering acting - but don't worry, she doesn't.
The three headed Branning beast has reconstituted itself at the "gym" - as if this episode didn't already contain twenty times the lethal dose of Branning! - with Derek being rather irritable about not being invited to the "party", which is what he euphemistically dubs Max and Jacknochio getting drunk in the dingy office of the dirty warehouse that pretends to be a gym.
Alice shakes her head at him - ohoh, looks like we couldn't even make it a full episode before they had another falling out! Who could possibly have foreseen that his thin tissue of lies being so easily refuted... oh, right - ANYONE. Even Derek seems to realise this as the expression on his face is really a "Wow, why did I think that was ever going to work?" Derek tries to speed up the process of make-up by almost immediately apologising... this doesn't get him far though.
What better way to smooth things over with his daughter than picking a fight with his son though? Joey - who has been in the ring of the "gym" for most of the episode - leaves to go to what is probably supposed to be a locker room but looks more like a storage cupboard and Derek follows in to gloat about how the weak minded Half-Day Alice is just too damned stupid to realise that he's a bullyboy gangsta from the 1950s. We then cut to the gym and Joey staggering out with a bloody nose, Derek proclaiming his innocence while everyone else shakes their head.
Joey uses this to get Alice to return to his mother but clearly this whole situation has given him the Pot Noodle horn, so he and Lauren - unaware that the easily identifiable Derek is following them with all the stealth and guile of a gigantic rock monster - sneak off to the car lot for some making out AND DEREK IS WATCHING!
A break from the Branning blockade does (thankfully) appear in the shape of Arfuuuuuuuuur, Twitney, the surviving Goony brother, Pointless Poppy and Lucy... and it takes a lot for the saving grace of an episode to be DA YOUFFF. Although "saving" is a relative term - naturally, the episode will still be a disaster... this is really just making the difference between a flash flood hitting a medium sized and a large town.
Anyway, Pointless Poppy is worried about her sister visiting as she has fulfilled the old cliché of lying about her success to her (apparently) far more successful younger sibling. What better way to compliment this tired cliché than to run with it and have the rest of DA YOUFFFF pretend to be Pointless Poppy's staff to show her sister that she's as important as she made out?! And wouldn't it be a turn up for the books if it turned out that her sister WASN'T as successful as she thought and they were BOTH lying? But that would never happen!
So, despite a little bit of recalcitrance from Lucy the Skeletor on that scheme - Arfuuuuur appears at the Vic to pretend to be her rich and successful boyfriend. Unfortunately, Mo is in this episode (despite months of absence) and scuppers the deception.
Ah but just when it seems that all is lost, Skeletor and Twitney appear pretending to be staff that work for Pointless Poppy! It doesn't take too long for PP's sister to start moaning about how everything is perfect for the Pointless one and... gasp, what's this? Oh, her fiancée has broken up with her! She saw right through the lie about the salon though... Clearly she got the brains in the family but she's far more impressed with Arfuuuuurrrr, who she says is clearly head over heels for her.
She runs to the Vic and they have a bit of a kiss - aww. The question now becomes "how soon and how horribly will this relationship end?"
Until next time, just remember - it's only a badly written TV show... isn't it?
Hmm, the fact she's lost her purse is brought up when she goes to buy cake ingredients... eh, still probably nothing. Then we're treated to Tanya and Cora have an awkward cake making session - where it takes Cora all of thirty seconds to point out that Tanya is acting incredibly suspicious but she's able to cover this by just saying "I DIDN'T REALISE YOU HAD IT SO HARD!" and then "I LOVE YOU!"
After idly remarking upon Lauren having a man in her life and some boring chat about Cora meeting Max, Denise and her cognitively impaired sister appear for no real reason to help with the cake baking... Kim apparently think that Tanya would be a better sister than Denise but as soon as they're out the door, Tanya and her mother admit that they can't stand her. OH THE HILARITY! But gasp - there's a knock at the door! That's almost certainly just Kim and Denise though, they probably just forgot something... but for some reason, Tanya decides to sneak off to buy a bottle of wine? So, there's DEFINITELY no chance that the long lost Ava could come to return that long lost purse - there's just no way!
Oh. It's her. Ava has come to return her purse. Wooboy, did not see that coming. Of course, Cora HAS to invite her in... that, I suppose isn't unreasonable. In fact, Cora only discovers that it's Ava at the end of the episode for our the DOOF DOOF... so, expect more tomorrow!
Max is a little upset at this cake making plan as he has to do his accounts. Now, you're probably thinking "aren't there other tables he could work at?" but the answer is no. All accounts MUST be done at the KITCHEN table and no calculators or computers allowed! Which is why he goes off to see some boxing in the middle of the day in the middle of the week with Jacknochio because, that's when people are free to go and see this kind of stuff!
Derek perpetuates the lie of Ray being aware of her crush to Half-Day Alice (she's on a half-day, funny that!) while making sure to insult his estranged son. Lauren takes the opportunity to make it as obvious as possible that she has something to hide - fortunately, Joey's face gives away nothing... no change there then.
Alice goes to the "boxing expo", in the "gym" - or what normal people would consider a smallish poorly lit warehouse unfit for human use - and confronts Ray about all the trash that Derek says he has been talking about her, only for Ray to go "I didn't say that." A revelation so profound, Alice looks as if she's considering acting - but don't worry, she doesn't.
The three headed Branning beast has reconstituted itself at the "gym" - as if this episode didn't already contain twenty times the lethal dose of Branning! - with Derek being rather irritable about not being invited to the "party", which is what he euphemistically dubs Max and Jacknochio getting drunk in the dingy office of the dirty warehouse that pretends to be a gym.
Alice shakes her head at him - ohoh, looks like we couldn't even make it a full episode before they had another falling out! Who could possibly have foreseen that his thin tissue of lies being so easily refuted... oh, right - ANYONE. Even Derek seems to realise this as the expression on his face is really a "Wow, why did I think that was ever going to work?" Derek tries to speed up the process of make-up by almost immediately apologising... this doesn't get him far though.
What better way to smooth things over with his daughter than picking a fight with his son though? Joey - who has been in the ring of the "gym" for most of the episode - leaves to go to what is probably supposed to be a locker room but looks more like a storage cupboard and Derek follows in to gloat about how the weak minded Half-Day Alice is just too damned stupid to realise that he's a bullyboy gangsta from the 1950s. We then cut to the gym and Joey staggering out with a bloody nose, Derek proclaiming his innocence while everyone else shakes their head.
Joey uses this to get Alice to return to his mother but clearly this whole situation has given him the Pot Noodle horn, so he and Lauren - unaware that the easily identifiable Derek is following them with all the stealth and guile of a gigantic rock monster - sneak off to the car lot for some making out AND DEREK IS WATCHING!
A break from the Branning blockade does (thankfully) appear in the shape of Arfuuuuuuuuur, Twitney, the surviving Goony brother, Pointless Poppy and Lucy... and it takes a lot for the saving grace of an episode to be DA YOUFFF. Although "saving" is a relative term - naturally, the episode will still be a disaster... this is really just making the difference between a flash flood hitting a medium sized and a large town.
Anyway, Pointless Poppy is worried about her sister visiting as she has fulfilled the old cliché of lying about her success to her (apparently) far more successful younger sibling. What better way to compliment this tired cliché than to run with it and have the rest of DA YOUFFFF pretend to be Pointless Poppy's staff to show her sister that she's as important as she made out?! And wouldn't it be a turn up for the books if it turned out that her sister WASN'T as successful as she thought and they were BOTH lying? But that would never happen!
So, despite a little bit of recalcitrance from Lucy the Skeletor on that scheme - Arfuuuuur appears at the Vic to pretend to be her rich and successful boyfriend. Unfortunately, Mo is in this episode (despite months of absence) and scuppers the deception.
Ah but just when it seems that all is lost, Skeletor and Twitney appear pretending to be staff that work for Pointless Poppy! It doesn't take too long for PP's sister to start moaning about how everything is perfect for the Pointless one and... gasp, what's this? Oh, her fiancée has broken up with her! She saw right through the lie about the salon though... Clearly she got the brains in the family but she's far more impressed with Arfuuuuurrrr, who she says is clearly head over heels for her.
She runs to the Vic and they have a bit of a kiss - aww. The question now becomes "how soon and how horribly will this relationship end?"
Until next time, just remember - it's only a badly written TV show... isn't it?
Tuesday 20 November 2012
Tuesday 20th November 2012
So, the tedium of Tuesday starts where the misery of Monday left off - with Tanya hell bent on seeing her long lost sister. Just to pad out the episode, there has to be an easily resolved scene between the two, where inevitably Patrick agrees to go along... because, he has to.
They go into the school and Tanya stands up, only for someone to bump into someone and naturally, that makes her a bit cross but guess what? Go on! You'll never guess. Oh, you guessed that it was Tanya's sister? Oh... that's spoilt the surprise a bit. Anyway, yes after that side splitting piece of comedy we're treated to the look on Tanya's face when she realises that her sister is black. A look most people would reserve for being told they're going to require major surgery.
Tanya having booked this meeting is either too stupid to have planned for it or too shocked... Much like her conversation with her mother about her long lost sister, this shows she thought about something but didn't really know where she was going to go with it. Yes, some people are more inclined to roll with the punches than plan things out ahead of time but Tanya seems to have done neither of those. She gets into a situation of her own volition and then just seems utterly flummoxed.
Why not try something radical like saying "I'm your long lost sister?" Oh, right - that would make sense and we can't have that. So, they go on a tour of the school and they see Ava (a deputy head at a primary school) acts all maternal, prompting Tanya to run off to have a bit of a cry. Patrick explains to Tanya - because apparently someone in their 40s would be utterly ignorant about racism back in the day - that things weren't great for black people in the day, which is apparently shocking to her.
Revelations about the world being a less tolerant place in the past aside, Tanya takes Patrick's advice to leave the past in the past (for no discernible reason)... BUT! DUN DUN DUN! Tanya left her purse behind! Leading to Ava running out the school as the car drives off. Could this mean Ava will not remain long lost?!
Elsewhere, the Hogson and Lauren are being very awkward about their incestuous kiss. So, he runs off to mope at Half-Day Alice in the caffffffff and then Lauren turns up and makes some snide remarks, leading Half-Day Alice to comment that Joey is fammmmmmleeeeee!
Twitney realises that something is wrong - possibly because Lauren is staring off into the middle distance forlornly - and having been groomed by a paedophilic step-father, kidnapped by a pimp and forced into prostitution, she says she won't judge but naturally, knowing that fancying her cousin is probably going to lead to judgement, Lauren runs off home and almost immediately runs out again.
For no particularly well articulated reason beyond Joey's phone being off, Lauren has got herself in a tizz and as soon as she finds him she might as well break down crying and confess her undying love for him... while he looks as blank and expressionless as always - it's a shame the Twilight films are finished because this guy would have been PERFECT for them!
So intense is the passion betwixt the two, that they have to go down the alley. Yes, the alley that people only ever go down to kiss secretly... and where they are always spied by someone. Which is why it will doubtless shock you deeply to discover that Derek catches the two - although he only sees Joey. DUN DUN DUN!
After that, Lauren has her doubts - again... and given how the Crayon Crew are these days, we can expect to see nearly identical scenes over and over and over again... Something that makes the inevitable certainty of death just that much more bearable. Oh and Joey - still showing all the emotion of a rock, declares his love for Lauren. Sorry. That's really unfair. A rock would be far more emotive.
Derek the Hogfather has a hilarious line, insinuating that the French know nothing about food! DOHOHO! He's also very concerned about Half-Day Alice learning self-defence because it's "unlady like" - a point so ridiculous that even Jacknocchio notices it's absurd. When Half-Day Alice learns of this, it's almost enough that she actually looks like she might act... don't worry though, she doesn't.
Having had Jacknocchio ignore his objection, Derek goes to talk to Max and asks him to "pull rank" with Max... Who knew the Branning clan had such a codified hierarchy?! Somehow, Max telling him that he just has to stop being such an eejit helps Derek reach some kind of conclusion about how to act. This seems to involve buying flowers and doing the dishes.
Half-Day Alice is having none of it when she returns but Derek is able to fool her - despite the fact he has pretty much JUST admitted to lying to her - by lying to her... because Half-Day Alice's brain was having a half-day! So, a very short lived falling out but inevitably the lies about Ray will lead to ANOTHER falling out... because if there is one thing we've not had enough of from the Hogfather it's him having fights and reconciliations with his children!
Pointless Poppy and Arfuuuuuuuuuur get together in the caffffffff, where apparently the random girl he approached like a muppet in the Vic is now a potential love interest! DUN DUN DUN! Later, he goes round to Pointless Poppy's house just in time to get a textual rejection from her. This leads to her intimating he should wait for someone "special"... then her sister calls and SHE'S COMING TO VISIT! Perhaps this could foreshadow... A LOVE TRIANGLE! What about Arfuuuuuuuuuur and Denise, you cry? "What about them?", the Crayon Crew replies!
They go into the school and Tanya stands up, only for someone to bump into someone and naturally, that makes her a bit cross but guess what? Go on! You'll never guess. Oh, you guessed that it was Tanya's sister? Oh... that's spoilt the surprise a bit. Anyway, yes after that side splitting piece of comedy we're treated to the look on Tanya's face when she realises that her sister is black. A look most people would reserve for being told they're going to require major surgery.
Tanya having booked this meeting is either too stupid to have planned for it or too shocked... Much like her conversation with her mother about her long lost sister, this shows she thought about something but didn't really know where she was going to go with it. Yes, some people are more inclined to roll with the punches than plan things out ahead of time but Tanya seems to have done neither of those. She gets into a situation of her own volition and then just seems utterly flummoxed.
Why not try something radical like saying "I'm your long lost sister?" Oh, right - that would make sense and we can't have that. So, they go on a tour of the school and they see Ava (a deputy head at a primary school) acts all maternal, prompting Tanya to run off to have a bit of a cry. Patrick explains to Tanya - because apparently someone in their 40s would be utterly ignorant about racism back in the day - that things weren't great for black people in the day, which is apparently shocking to her.
Revelations about the world being a less tolerant place in the past aside, Tanya takes Patrick's advice to leave the past in the past (for no discernible reason)... BUT! DUN DUN DUN! Tanya left her purse behind! Leading to Ava running out the school as the car drives off. Could this mean Ava will not remain long lost?!
Elsewhere, the Hogson and Lauren are being very awkward about their incestuous kiss. So, he runs off to mope at Half-Day Alice in the caffffffff and then Lauren turns up and makes some snide remarks, leading Half-Day Alice to comment that Joey is fammmmmmleeeeee!
Twitney realises that something is wrong - possibly because Lauren is staring off into the middle distance forlornly - and having been groomed by a paedophilic step-father, kidnapped by a pimp and forced into prostitution, she says she won't judge but naturally, knowing that fancying her cousin is probably going to lead to judgement, Lauren runs off home and almost immediately runs out again.
For no particularly well articulated reason beyond Joey's phone being off, Lauren has got herself in a tizz and as soon as she finds him she might as well break down crying and confess her undying love for him... while he looks as blank and expressionless as always - it's a shame the Twilight films are finished because this guy would have been PERFECT for them!
So intense is the passion betwixt the two, that they have to go down the alley. Yes, the alley that people only ever go down to kiss secretly... and where they are always spied by someone. Which is why it will doubtless shock you deeply to discover that Derek catches the two - although he only sees Joey. DUN DUN DUN!
After that, Lauren has her doubts - again... and given how the Crayon Crew are these days, we can expect to see nearly identical scenes over and over and over again... Something that makes the inevitable certainty of death just that much more bearable. Oh and Joey - still showing all the emotion of a rock, declares his love for Lauren. Sorry. That's really unfair. A rock would be far more emotive.
Derek the Hogfather has a hilarious line, insinuating that the French know nothing about food! DOHOHO! He's also very concerned about Half-Day Alice learning self-defence because it's "unlady like" - a point so ridiculous that even Jacknocchio notices it's absurd. When Half-Day Alice learns of this, it's almost enough that she actually looks like she might act... don't worry though, she doesn't.
Having had Jacknocchio ignore his objection, Derek goes to talk to Max and asks him to "pull rank" with Max... Who knew the Branning clan had such a codified hierarchy?! Somehow, Max telling him that he just has to stop being such an eejit helps Derek reach some kind of conclusion about how to act. This seems to involve buying flowers and doing the dishes.
Half-Day Alice is having none of it when she returns but Derek is able to fool her - despite the fact he has pretty much JUST admitted to lying to her - by lying to her... because Half-Day Alice's brain was having a half-day! So, a very short lived falling out but inevitably the lies about Ray will lead to ANOTHER falling out... because if there is one thing we've not had enough of from the Hogfather it's him having fights and reconciliations with his children!
Pointless Poppy and Arfuuuuuuuuuur get together in the caffffffff, where apparently the random girl he approached like a muppet in the Vic is now a potential love interest! DUN DUN DUN! Later, he goes round to Pointless Poppy's house just in time to get a textual rejection from her. This leads to her intimating he should wait for someone "special"... then her sister calls and SHE'S COMING TO VISIT! Perhaps this could foreshadow... A LOVE TRIANGLE! What about Arfuuuuuuuuuur and Denise, you cry? "What about them?", the Crayon Crew replies!
Monday 19 November 2012
Monday 19th November 2012
The Monday misery begins with the Hogson Joey getting kicked out of the Branning house (sort of). Instead of taking him aside for a quiet word, Max just tells him it's time to leave, prompting Lauren to have a bit of a strop - while the Hogson seems to take it rather well. The three of them teleport over to the Hogfather's house to randomly spout out "WE DON'T FANCY ONE ANOTHER!" after Derek feigns innocence.
Scotch Egg's utters something (at volume) in his guttural language - that might well be the black tongue of Mordor - that leads to Derek presenting him with a deadline of 2pm to kick out his son, else he won't give his brother the money which he requires to pay off the mysterious mystery problem.
Clearly, Max is desperate because he actually stops by the car lot to try and sell an actual car... and fails. So, then he tries to get a business loan! Oh, that didn't work either... Next stop is Don Mitchelloni, the big boss of Walford's criminal underworld... except he's apparently playing it straight because beyond being a potential accessory to manslaughter and obstructing the course of justice - he needs to stay legit because social services are well known for their interest in dodgy cars.
Never fear though, Phil's fickle interest in Lexi is apparently approaching its zenith! He's trying to get Lexi to himself but to accomplish this - he needs Billy Idiot out the picture! So, Billy Idiot gormlessly drives off to Blackpool not realising that nothing good ever happens to him... Even more ridiculously though, Phil makes it clear to Lola that his motives are far from altruistic!
Lauren ponders the eternal question of cliché ridden females in dramas - can men and women be JUST friends... something people in the real world generally have a handle on before the end of puberty but before this philosophising for the ages can get under way - Joey tells her that she's a drama queen because she's unemployed!
This is all building up to Lauren's TERRIBLE SECRET! That she draws people on the tube! DUN DUN DUN! But wait, one convenient clumsy drop of papers later it turns out that they're all of Joey! DUN DUN DUN! And the obvious reaction to this is momentary awkwardness followed by a passionate incestuous kiss!
Tanya is still confused about her long lost sister and who better to turn to than Pointless Poppy? Naturally, the advice she has to offer isn't advice per se so much as an endless stream of inanity that will erode your will to live slow and steady.
Because this storyline has to follow the current Eastenders trend of being drawn out painfully - Tanya was told about her long lost sister by Patrick and Tanya doesn't just confront her, they have to play a guessing game! Now, you're probably thinking that after some tedious banter, Tanya will trick her mother into admitting that Ava is alive, right? WRONG! Cora just tells her to stop bothering her because this storyline needs more pointless filler!
So, eschewing the obvious option of confronting her mother AGAIN, Tanya goes on a search on the interwebs to find her long lost sister because what we really need is ANOTHER Branning... OK, she's not a Branning but she's part of the Branning clan and that's hardly a family unit that needed to be added to more. Regardless, Tanya walks into the Vic and despite Patrick sensibly telling her to not rush and possibly let Cora reveal this to her in her own time, she announces she's going to see her sister AT 3PM!
Pointless Poppy continues to coach ARFUUUUUUUUUUUUR on dating women... because apparently despite being in his early 20s, he has a grasp of women akin to an ancient Egyptian's grasp of quantum physics. It seems we're setting up a painful Pointless Poppy/Arfuuuuur romance. Arfuuuur doesn't even realise that a good way to approach women is to say "Can I buy you a drink?"
As soon as Arfuuuuuuuuuur starts schmoozing with a woman at the bar, we immediately see Pointless Poppy realise that she fancies him and bites her lip mournfully... the real question here is when did Arfuuuur suffer brain damage that erased the part of his brain that dealt with how to approach women? Yes, he's generally playing the buffoon - in part due to insecurity but mostly due to the fact he's written by middle aged white men who have no idea how to write a young mixed race character from inner London... but then, it seems fair to say they couldn't write middle aged white men either. They just can't write. Period. - but he's had some success with women and yet now it's as if he's never seen one before... Eh, probably just stopped by Walford General for a personality transplant.
As to Max and the Hogfather... they meet up and despite the fact it's CLEARLY going to come back to haunt him in the not too distant future, he turns down his brother's help thanks to Phil (so much for him being a legitimate business man!) and so, Lauren and Joey can now continue their budding incestuous romance under his roof!
Thursday 15 November 2012
Thursday 15th November 2012
Hogfather (aka Derek) comes around to menace Max after their disagreement with THE SECRET SECRET! All we get to hear is how "they" need more money and naturally, the Hogfather is not best pleased with Scotch Egg after what happened last time... could this mean the secret secret will be revealed?! Regardless, Max running a used car business that sells possibly one or two cars a decade can't afford to pay them off, fortunately the Hogfather will pay the money IF Scotch Egg throws the Hogson out onto the street - DUN DUN DUN!
Is that supposed to be tension, jobs in Walford come and go more frequently than buses! Also, last time I checked - he could just go back to living with his mother... oh, that's right both him and Half-Day Alice have forgotten that they have a mother, alive and in the same city.
Billy Idiot decides to shout the odds at Cora... who looks more mummified than usual, is incapable of anything. After apologising to Lola she heads to the pub (early opening hours, eh?) and is apparently barely able to stand by lunchtime! Fortunately, Tanya is there to drag her home for a sit down and some drunken revelations! Oh, wait - that would actually make some kind of sense! Because Tanya goes to see Patrick who spills the beans about her LONG LOST SISTER!
The Chav Troop reappear to menace Lola. Fortunately Billy Idiot appears to say "WE NEED WOOOORDS!" Careful Billy, I'm pretty sure she could take you! Anyway, despite Lola telling him not to interfere what does Billy Idiot do? You'll never guess! HE INTERFERES! He has a talk to the leader of the Chav Troop (as she's now inexplicably alone on the swings) but guess what, as soon as Lola turns up she says "THAT'S WITNESS TAMPERING!" and swans off, leaving Billy Idiot to deal with the consternation of his own chavelette - poor, dumb Billy...
As one would expect, having not done a day of work in months and just gone through a situation where any secret stash of cash would have expedited the salvation of Syed - Christian has purchased a last minute flight to America! Maybe the Queen Vic does Frequent Flyer miles? Actually, that would explain a LOT.
Speaking of the Masoods, Zainab has apparently become a criminal mastermind! Apparently there is fabric in the restaurant that is worth money, so armed with bolt cutters she decides to break in... IN BROAD DAYLIGHT! Genius. Oh but it was just a scheme to get Christian and Syed together! SUPER GENIUS! What better way to get people to sort out their problems than a cliché atop a criminal offence!
Hilariously, Christian rattles off the (long) list of things that spineless Syed has done over the course of their relationship and to this the spineless one goes off on a total non-sequitur and doesn't even APOLOGISE for being... well, a spineless whelp. Honestly, considering how this entire relationship has been little more than a series of lies by Syed to Christian, you'd think he'd consider himself lucky to be shot of this human invertebrate.
But no, as you'd expect in this Wacky World of Walford... they get all teary and make up! There HAS to be a little false tension though, they do the whole "if you love someone, let them go". So, it looks as if Christian is going to head off by himself but WAIT! Syed wants to say goodbye! OH NO! He missed him at the station! HEARTBREAKING! Oh, right - as soon as Syed says "I missed him", Christian is there. Apparently they're BOTH off to America now and have a flight to catch. Bad news for Syed then, you need a visa 48 hours before you leave - so the first thing that happens when he lands in the USA is he'll get detained and shipped back to the UK hogtied!
It's a tearful farewell that's so cookie cutter, even AJ remarks that they should start a dance number... which would at least be mildly entertaining. As one would expect though, the fact Christian has made a grand romantic speech about going to the ends of the Earth with Syed, he looks as overjoyed as someone that just found a pound coin down the back of the sofa and then they trundle off slowly in one of the most unimaginative, unemotional and downright boring exits of recent years... An ending that perfectly fits the entire exit storyline.
It's hard to think that what was probably one of the unquestioned high points of the almost entirely disastrous run of former executive producer Bryan Kirkwood (better known to his detractors as the Burger King), the relationship between Syed and Christian has ended so inauspiciously but then, even before he left, the characters were being ground down... so, really while they had their moments, the nicest thing that can be said is - good riddance. Actually, more like joy now that they've FINALLY left and that storyline is done.
Oh and what do Syed and have for this trans-Atlantic relocation besides no visa for Syed? One SMALL suitcase... for two full grown men, no savings, no visible means of support and of course, a flat full of their stuff. See, what wonderful attention to detail!
Is that supposed to be tension, jobs in Walford come and go more frequently than buses! Also, last time I checked - he could just go back to living with his mother... oh, that's right both him and Half-Day Alice have forgotten that they have a mother, alive and in the same city.
Billy Idiot decides to shout the odds at Cora... who looks more mummified than usual, is incapable of anything. After apologising to Lola she heads to the pub (early opening hours, eh?) and is apparently barely able to stand by lunchtime! Fortunately, Tanya is there to drag her home for a sit down and some drunken revelations! Oh, wait - that would actually make some kind of sense! Because Tanya goes to see Patrick who spills the beans about her LONG LOST SISTER!
The Chav Troop reappear to menace Lola. Fortunately Billy Idiot appears to say "WE NEED WOOOORDS!" Careful Billy, I'm pretty sure she could take you! Anyway, despite Lola telling him not to interfere what does Billy Idiot do? You'll never guess! HE INTERFERES! He has a talk to the leader of the Chav Troop (as she's now inexplicably alone on the swings) but guess what, as soon as Lola turns up she says "THAT'S WITNESS TAMPERING!" and swans off, leaving Billy Idiot to deal with the consternation of his own chavelette - poor, dumb Billy...
As one would expect, having not done a day of work in months and just gone through a situation where any secret stash of cash would have expedited the salvation of Syed - Christian has purchased a last minute flight to America! Maybe the Queen Vic does Frequent Flyer miles? Actually, that would explain a LOT.
Speaking of the Masoods, Zainab has apparently become a criminal mastermind! Apparently there is fabric in the restaurant that is worth money, so armed with bolt cutters she decides to break in... IN BROAD DAYLIGHT! Genius. Oh but it was just a scheme to get Christian and Syed together! SUPER GENIUS! What better way to get people to sort out their problems than a cliché atop a criminal offence!
Hilariously, Christian rattles off the (long) list of things that spineless Syed has done over the course of their relationship and to this the spineless one goes off on a total non-sequitur and doesn't even APOLOGISE for being... well, a spineless whelp. Honestly, considering how this entire relationship has been little more than a series of lies by Syed to Christian, you'd think he'd consider himself lucky to be shot of this human invertebrate.
But no, as you'd expect in this Wacky World of Walford... they get all teary and make up! There HAS to be a little false tension though, they do the whole "if you love someone, let them go". So, it looks as if Christian is going to head off by himself but WAIT! Syed wants to say goodbye! OH NO! He missed him at the station! HEARTBREAKING! Oh, right - as soon as Syed says "I missed him", Christian is there. Apparently they're BOTH off to America now and have a flight to catch. Bad news for Syed then, you need a visa 48 hours before you leave - so the first thing that happens when he lands in the USA is he'll get detained and shipped back to the UK hogtied!
It's a tearful farewell that's so cookie cutter, even AJ remarks that they should start a dance number... which would at least be mildly entertaining. As one would expect though, the fact Christian has made a grand romantic speech about going to the ends of the Earth with Syed, he looks as overjoyed as someone that just found a pound coin down the back of the sofa and then they trundle off slowly in one of the most unimaginative, unemotional and downright boring exits of recent years... An ending that perfectly fits the entire exit storyline.
It's hard to think that what was probably one of the unquestioned high points of the almost entirely disastrous run of former executive producer Bryan Kirkwood (better known to his detractors as the Burger King), the relationship between Syed and Christian has ended so inauspiciously but then, even before he left, the characters were being ground down... so, really while they had their moments, the nicest thing that can be said is - good riddance. Actually, more like joy now that they've FINALLY left and that storyline is done.
Oh and what do Syed and have for this trans-Atlantic relocation besides no visa for Syed? One SMALL suitcase... for two full grown men, no savings, no visible means of support and of course, a flat full of their stuff. See, what wonderful attention to detail!
Tuesday 13 November 2012
Tuesday 13th November 2012
Having undergone the traumatic experience of having lost his daughter, Syed is clearly distraught. Looking almost as heartbroken and emotionally devastated as someone that has lost the remote control. He then sits in the caffffffff and talks to his brother and is convinced things between him and Christian are good - because having just given his daughter away, that's clearly foremost on his his mind!
Cut to the Vic and we find out that Christian is... MOVING TO THE USA! DUN DUN DUN! Someone must have been reading up on dramatic irony! Naturally, Roxy Mitchell (aka Poxy) being the supportive friend she is pretty much says "WOT ABOUT ME?!" Friendships like that don't come along very often!
Naturally, what makes Syed go off the deep end - complete with throwing stuff onto the street cliche! - is finding out that Christian has had enough of his spineless, lying cheating ways and is off. If anything, the only shocking thing here is that Christian stuck with the snivelling whelp this long.
Alice Branning (she of the eternal half-day) has apparently - after learning stage-fight jitsu yesterday - morphed into a proto-chav overnight, repeatedly saying "WHATEVER!" to her father. Amazingly, he's actually concerned at this turn of events! Then later she faces off against Lola's former chav troop but is fortunately rescued by Ray... why exactly are the chav troop back in the Square? We may never find out but presumably they were on a half day.
Speaking of half-days, Pointless Poppy has apparently joined Alice in taking them and is able to instantly discern "Fatboy's" (aka Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrr) infatuation with a girl. Which leads to her trying to help him get appropriately attired to seduce a middle aged twice divorced single mother who was kidnapped by her serial killer husband. Pointless Poppy bombards Arfuuuuuur with advice - which is about as hilarious as watching paint dry.
Having boozed it up on the big party night that is Monday, all the adult Branning are hung over. Hang overs that are apparently bad enough to render everyone that has them hypersensitive to sound to the point of physical pain but which clear up in about two minutes... JUST LIKE REAL HANGOVERS! It's that attention to detail that really brings the show to life. This inexplicably leads to the Hogfather (Derek Branning) and Scotch Egg (Max Branning) going off to vote the love of Hogfather's life... It's just as well no one has a job to go to!
This being Eastenders, the love of Hogfather's life is apparently not quite on the same page as him as regards their romance for the ages and predictably, he's none too happy that Scotch Egg dragged him outside of Albert Square to have his romantic recollections shattered, leading to the ever so predictable driving off without the other person scene.
Patrick spends the whole day trying to convince the mummified Cora to talk about her long lost daughter - with actually some nice reference to Patrick's history with his sons, isn't it great when people seem to be able to recall things that happened more than a month ago?! - the best way to do this is apparently gambling.
As one might expect, they are not afforded the opportunity to have a discussion about this as Cora walks back in, waving around money she won on a horse while the officious market inspector, Lister is apparently concerned that Cora has stolen a bag he donated to... which (this being Eastenders) immediately leads to someone turning up IN PERSON to subject Cora to a personal inquisition who has the authority to fire her (which he does because he discovers Patrick's bottle of rum) on the spot. Naturally when he does his best Lord Sugar "You're fired!", Cora's response is to tell him to get out.
It's really rather baffling as to why she'd spill her guts and then act as if nothing happened but then, presumably we're just waiting for enough people to be around for her to announce she has a middle aged, mixed race daughter. That - or the long lost daughter's appearance - will doubtless be her Christmas present to the family.
Monday 12 November 2012
Monday 12th November 2012
As if Monday's weren't wretched enough already - here's another Eastenders shaped slice of misery!
The mummified (yet somehow animated) remains of Tanya's mother (Cora Branning) is having a bad day... Which naturally gets worse when Pointless Poppy appears... Cora naturally responds by leaving the house and going to Tanya's, who can blame her. This is all just to build up to Cora admitting that she didn't meet Rainie. She also makes an angry/drunken birthday cake for her SECRET DAUGHTER, which is why she was acting "out of character"... except being high strung and short tempered is pretty much exactly how she always is, so why did anyone think something was wrong? Oh and the secret daughter is alive - something telegraphed months ago, yawn. The expression on Patrick's face is priceless though.
Syed finds out that the distant outpost of humanity where his daughter is being taken is... AN HOUR AND A QUARTER AWAY BY TRAIN! It's surprising there wasn't a sudden swelling of emotional music for this unspeakable human tragedy. Christian is supposedly a mess because of the whole situation but looks as if he had a chance to get his hair done over the weekend. Everyone acts if Yasmin is being taken to the furthest reaches of space and... uh, generally speaking Syed as a father has rights to visitation... but this is the hellish perversion of our world known as Walford, so they might as well be on the dark side of the Moon. Naturally, Yasmin being his daughter - Syed seems about as upset as if he's dropped an ice cream on the ground, whereas "uncle" Christian is a basket case.
Alice has taken the WHOLE day off work to go and train with Ray... How will they cope without her?! Apparently she was able to learn stage-fight jitsu and emasculates Joey (the Hogson) by catching his very slow punch and not really throwing him to the ground.
The three headed beast of the Branning brothers appear together. Again. In the Vic. Again but THIS TIME! We've got Kat looking at them as if she's feeling sick! AGAIN! DING, DING, DING! Of course, naturally it being a Monday night - they're in the Vic from lunch time onward "working" hard, drunkenly squabbling for what seems like most of the day and well into the night.
To show us that even in Walford there is gender equality - Tanya, Kat and Sharon are all in R&R drinking too... because Monday is a big club night in Albert Square and having spent maybe... two or three seconds in or near a place of business, they need to blow off some steam!
The mummified (yet somehow animated) remains of Tanya's mother (Cora Branning) is having a bad day... Which naturally gets worse when Pointless Poppy appears... Cora naturally responds by leaving the house and going to Tanya's, who can blame her. This is all just to build up to Cora admitting that she didn't meet Rainie. She also makes an angry/drunken birthday cake for her SECRET DAUGHTER, which is why she was acting "out of character"... except being high strung and short tempered is pretty much exactly how she always is, so why did anyone think something was wrong? Oh and the secret daughter is alive - something telegraphed months ago, yawn. The expression on Patrick's face is priceless though.
Syed finds out that the distant outpost of humanity where his daughter is being taken is... AN HOUR AND A QUARTER AWAY BY TRAIN! It's surprising there wasn't a sudden swelling of emotional music for this unspeakable human tragedy. Christian is supposedly a mess because of the whole situation but looks as if he had a chance to get his hair done over the weekend. Everyone acts if Yasmin is being taken to the furthest reaches of space and... uh, generally speaking Syed as a father has rights to visitation... but this is the hellish perversion of our world known as Walford, so they might as well be on the dark side of the Moon. Naturally, Yasmin being his daughter - Syed seems about as upset as if he's dropped an ice cream on the ground, whereas "uncle" Christian is a basket case.
Alice has taken the WHOLE day off work to go and train with Ray... How will they cope without her?! Apparently she was able to learn stage-fight jitsu and emasculates Joey (the Hogson) by catching his very slow punch and not really throwing him to the ground.
The three headed beast of the Branning brothers appear together. Again. In the Vic. Again but THIS TIME! We've got Kat looking at them as if she's feeling sick! AGAIN! DING, DING, DING! Of course, naturally it being a Monday night - they're in the Vic from lunch time onward "working" hard, drunkenly squabbling for what seems like most of the day and well into the night.
To show us that even in Walford there is gender equality - Tanya, Kat and Sharon are all in R&R drinking too... because Monday is a big club night in Albert Square and having spent maybe... two or three seconds in or near a place of business, they need to blow off some steam!
Sunday 11 November 2012
Friday 9th November 2012
Ever since the Phantom Shagger storyline started - sometime during the Jurassic period - it seems as if the Branning brothers have become inseparable because tonight we see them together. Again. In the Vic. Again... the only reason this doesn't trigger full blown deja vu is because we don't have Kat standing back, eyeing them up with the expression of someone suffering some kind of gastro-intestinal distress.
As one might expect, they just waltz into the flat above the Vic and announce that it's poker night... They're somewhat surprised when they find that Alfie isn't ready to welcome them. This shouldn't really be surprising for anyone that has watched the show for more than a few hours. People in Walford may outwardly appear to be human - or at least crude approximations of humans - but they are anything but... It's one thing to turn up to a friend's house unannounced, something entirely different to go into their house and then rebuke them for not being ready and be shocked at their audacity for having made other plans... which, naturally, is what the three mismatched brothers do!
And as proof that the writers (aka the Crayon Crew) are familiar with Chekov's Gun, there is a none too subtle scene in the kitchen where Derek Branning (aka the Hogfather) takes notice that Kat has pawned a ring and then remarks upon it loudly to his brothers. Naturally, the best place to make comment upon the financial hardship of someone is in that person's kitchen when they're about to walk back in.
Of course, ever the spineless whelp Alfie comes in and apologises for not knowing a significant portion of the exponentially expanding Branning clan was going to be inviting themselves around and makes his excuses but bids them stay... as one does... and since when was four a good number for poker and why on Earth would they play in the poky kitchen of the Vic? Oh, right - so we can have another "clue" to the identity of... THE PHANTOM SHAGGER. A storyline that is starting to make the babyswap debacle seem like an exercise in brevity and the avoidance of repetition.
Alfie is lured to the B&B by the mentally handicapped Kim - the B&B which is such an 'elf and safety nightmare that it's about due to be burned down again to prevent a plague outbreak - where we find out that SURPRISE! It's a romantic date with Kat! That's a booby prize if ever there was one. Fortunately the soul destroying conversation between Albert Square's answer to entropy is cut short by the appearance of the best actor on Eastenders for many years - a mouse. It shocks Kat so much that her voice suddenly changes dramatically in quality when the camera isn't on her.
They go back to the Vic, Alfie not content to have spent the whole dinner likening his love for Kat to a drug addiction - goes on about how wonderful it was... JUST so we know that this is in fact the hagiography of Saint Alfie of Walford and that Kat is just a fickle slapper - because, when she goes into the kitchen she finds her mother's engagement ring has magically returned, after the mysterious hand of the Phantom Shagger took it earlier that evening.
Now, some amongst you might remember the short lived and thoroughly pointless storyline involving the football club and remember after actors were showcasing their panto talent in a fight, Kat was seen holding hands with someone who was CLEARLY black and that after he left there was a note that said "I love you". Naturally, that's why Ray has been removed from the Phantom Shagger list, leaving it as one of the Branning brothers!
What's even MORE ridiculous is that the most likely suspect is the Hogfather but then, the whole premise of a "whodunnit" with an affair is ridiculous because it has required Kat to spend the past several epochs gurning at all five of the suspects and acting as cartoonishly suspicious as is humanly possible.
Syed and Christian are trying to reconcile. Why on Earth would you want Roxy Mitchell (aka Poxy) giving you advice on your relationship? Naturally, the Crayon Crew having run the character of Syed into the ground over the past six months, feel they haven't QUITE hammered home what a spineless joke he is. So, we have to go over the fact he apparently SLEPT with the sleazy city trader/banker/conman from Hollyoaks again before he can mention he's shipping his daughter off to... BIRMINGHAM! DUN DUN DUN! Because as we all know, when you leave Walford you might as well have been hurled into the furthest reaches of space.
Masood and Zainab have a really awkward scene just before Christian appears that makes it seem like at least one person on the Crayon Crew is a BIG 50 Shades of Grey fan... which is amusing because as holocaustically bad as that is as s piece of literature, it's Shakespeare compared to what we get in Eastenders.
Michael Moon (aka Count Moonula) has some flirting to do with Poxy. Naturally, after having had his wife have a difficult labour and a premature baby and leaving him suddenly AND pulling the rug out from under him as regards all the various businesses... it's only natural that he's now putting the moves on Poxy and ASKING HER TO MOVE IN WITH HIM.
It's one of those episodes where you get the impression the switching between the three-ish different threads is supposed to be clever but it just feels stilted and awkward... and this whole B&B thing is just getting beyond ridiculous. Still, at least we had some dialogue from Tracy... it's a shame the mouse had to steal the limelight!
Oh and someone might want to tell the Crayon Crew that generally speaking, mice aren't something you can catch with your bare hands... but then, one has to assume that the rodentia in the nightmarish world of Walford are as stupid as their human counterparts...
As one might expect, they just waltz into the flat above the Vic and announce that it's poker night... They're somewhat surprised when they find that Alfie isn't ready to welcome them. This shouldn't really be surprising for anyone that has watched the show for more than a few hours. People in Walford may outwardly appear to be human - or at least crude approximations of humans - but they are anything but... It's one thing to turn up to a friend's house unannounced, something entirely different to go into their house and then rebuke them for not being ready and be shocked at their audacity for having made other plans... which, naturally, is what the three mismatched brothers do!
And as proof that the writers (aka the Crayon Crew) are familiar with Chekov's Gun, there is a none too subtle scene in the kitchen where Derek Branning (aka the Hogfather) takes notice that Kat has pawned a ring and then remarks upon it loudly to his brothers. Naturally, the best place to make comment upon the financial hardship of someone is in that person's kitchen when they're about to walk back in.
Of course, ever the spineless whelp Alfie comes in and apologises for not knowing a significant portion of the exponentially expanding Branning clan was going to be inviting themselves around and makes his excuses but bids them stay... as one does... and since when was four a good number for poker and why on Earth would they play in the poky kitchen of the Vic? Oh, right - so we can have another "clue" to the identity of... THE PHANTOM SHAGGER. A storyline that is starting to make the babyswap debacle seem like an exercise in brevity and the avoidance of repetition.
Alfie is lured to the B&B by the mentally handicapped Kim - the B&B which is such an 'elf and safety nightmare that it's about due to be burned down again to prevent a plague outbreak - where we find out that SURPRISE! It's a romantic date with Kat! That's a booby prize if ever there was one. Fortunately the soul destroying conversation between Albert Square's answer to entropy is cut short by the appearance of the best actor on Eastenders for many years - a mouse. It shocks Kat so much that her voice suddenly changes dramatically in quality when the camera isn't on her.
They go back to the Vic, Alfie not content to have spent the whole dinner likening his love for Kat to a drug addiction - goes on about how wonderful it was... JUST so we know that this is in fact the hagiography of Saint Alfie of Walford and that Kat is just a fickle slapper - because, when she goes into the kitchen she finds her mother's engagement ring has magically returned, after the mysterious hand of the Phantom Shagger took it earlier that evening.
Now, some amongst you might remember the short lived and thoroughly pointless storyline involving the football club and remember after actors were showcasing their panto talent in a fight, Kat was seen holding hands with someone who was CLEARLY black and that after he left there was a note that said "I love you". Naturally, that's why Ray has been removed from the Phantom Shagger list, leaving it as one of the Branning brothers!
What's even MORE ridiculous is that the most likely suspect is the Hogfather but then, the whole premise of a "whodunnit" with an affair is ridiculous because it has required Kat to spend the past several epochs gurning at all five of the suspects and acting as cartoonishly suspicious as is humanly possible.
Syed and Christian are trying to reconcile. Why on Earth would you want Roxy Mitchell (aka Poxy) giving you advice on your relationship? Naturally, the Crayon Crew having run the character of Syed into the ground over the past six months, feel they haven't QUITE hammered home what a spineless joke he is. So, we have to go over the fact he apparently SLEPT with the sleazy city trader/banker/conman from Hollyoaks again before he can mention he's shipping his daughter off to... BIRMINGHAM! DUN DUN DUN! Because as we all know, when you leave Walford you might as well have been hurled into the furthest reaches of space.
Masood and Zainab have a really awkward scene just before Christian appears that makes it seem like at least one person on the Crayon Crew is a BIG 50 Shades of Grey fan... which is amusing because as holocaustically bad as that is as s piece of literature, it's Shakespeare compared to what we get in Eastenders.
Michael Moon (aka Count Moonula) has some flirting to do with Poxy. Naturally, after having had his wife have a difficult labour and a premature baby and leaving him suddenly AND pulling the rug out from under him as regards all the various businesses... it's only natural that he's now putting the moves on Poxy and ASKING HER TO MOVE IN WITH HIM.
It's one of those episodes where you get the impression the switching between the three-ish different threads is supposed to be clever but it just feels stilted and awkward... and this whole B&B thing is just getting beyond ridiculous. Still, at least we had some dialogue from Tracy... it's a shame the mouse had to steal the limelight!
Oh and someone might want to tell the Crayon Crew that generally speaking, mice aren't something you can catch with your bare hands... but then, one has to assume that the rodentia in the nightmarish world of Walford are as stupid as their human counterparts...
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