Tanya is all mopey because apparently going to see her long lost sister for five minutes under false pretences and not revealing their relationship wasn't fulfilling, she decides to go around and make amends with her mother and what better way to do that than pretty much demanding she cancel her plans to go out with Patrick and spend time with her - despite the fact Cora even says "that's not us". Anyway, apparently even the Crayon Crew can't stand to add more padding to this and so Patrick decides to call off his dancing and Cora and Tanya are going to... BAKE A CAKE! Could the fact that the two of them are in the same location and that Lauren found the primary school brochure laying around (not to mention the forgotten purse!) mean anything? Nah, it's probably nothing!
Hmm, the fact she's lost her purse is brought up when she goes to buy cake ingredients... eh, still probably nothing. Then we're treated to Tanya and Cora have an awkward cake making session - where it takes Cora all of thirty seconds to point out that Tanya is acting incredibly suspicious but she's able to cover this by just saying "I DIDN'T REALISE YOU HAD IT SO HARD!" and then "I LOVE YOU!"
After idly remarking upon Lauren having a man in her life and some boring chat about Cora meeting Max, Denise and her cognitively impaired sister appear for no real reason to help with the cake baking... Kim apparently think that Tanya would be a better sister than Denise but as soon as they're out the door, Tanya and her mother admit that they can't stand her. OH THE HILARITY! But gasp - there's a knock at the door! That's almost certainly just Kim and Denise though, they probably just forgot something... but for some reason, Tanya decides to sneak off to buy a bottle of wine? So, there's DEFINITELY no chance that the long lost Ava could come to return that long lost purse - there's just no way!
Oh. It's her. Ava has come to return her purse. Wooboy, did not see that coming. Of course, Cora HAS to invite her in... that, I suppose isn't unreasonable. In fact, Cora only discovers that it's Ava at the end of the episode for our the DOOF DOOF... so, expect more tomorrow!
Max is a little upset at this cake making plan as he has to do his accounts. Now, you're probably thinking "aren't there other tables he could work at?" but the answer is no. All accounts MUST be done at the KITCHEN table and no calculators or computers allowed! Which is why he goes off to see some boxing in the middle of the day in the middle of the week with Jacknochio because, that's when people are free to go and see this kind of stuff!
Derek perpetuates the lie of Ray being aware of her crush to Half-Day Alice (she's on a half-day, funny that!) while making sure to insult his estranged son. Lauren takes the opportunity to make it as obvious as possible that she has something to hide - fortunately, Joey's face gives away nothing... no change there then.
Alice goes to the "boxing expo", in the "gym" - or what normal people would consider a smallish poorly lit warehouse unfit for human use - and confronts Ray about all the trash that Derek says he has been talking about her, only for Ray to go "I didn't say that." A revelation so profound, Alice looks as if she's considering acting - but don't worry, she doesn't.
The three headed Branning beast has reconstituted itself at the "gym" - as if this episode didn't already contain twenty times the lethal dose of Branning! - with Derek being rather irritable about not being invited to the "party", which is what he euphemistically dubs Max and Jacknochio getting drunk in the dingy office of the dirty warehouse that pretends to be a gym.
Alice shakes her head at him - ohoh, looks like we couldn't even make it a full episode before they had another falling out! Who could possibly have foreseen that his thin tissue of lies being so easily refuted... oh, right - ANYONE. Even Derek seems to realise this as the expression on his face is really a "Wow, why did I think that was ever going to work?" Derek tries to speed up the process of make-up by almost immediately apologising... this doesn't get him far though.
What better way to smooth things over with his daughter than picking a fight with his son though? Joey - who has been in the ring of the "gym" for most of the episode - leaves to go to what is probably supposed to be a locker room but looks more like a storage cupboard and Derek follows in to gloat about how the weak minded Half-Day Alice is just too damned stupid to realise that he's a bullyboy gangsta from the 1950s. We then cut to the gym and Joey staggering out with a bloody nose, Derek proclaiming his innocence while everyone else shakes their head.
Joey uses this to get Alice to return to his mother but clearly this whole situation has given him the Pot Noodle horn, so he and Lauren - unaware that the easily identifiable Derek is following them with all the stealth and guile of a gigantic rock monster - sneak off to the car lot for some making out AND DEREK IS WATCHING!
A break from the Branning blockade does (thankfully) appear in the shape of Arfuuuuuuuuur, Twitney, the surviving Goony brother, Pointless Poppy and Lucy... and it takes a lot for the saving grace of an episode to be DA YOUFFF. Although "saving" is a relative term - naturally, the episode will still be a disaster... this is really just making the difference between a flash flood hitting a medium sized and a large town.
Anyway, Pointless Poppy is worried about her sister visiting as she has fulfilled the old cliché of lying about her success to her (apparently) far more successful younger sibling. What better way to compliment this tired cliché than to run with it and have the rest of DA YOUFFFF pretend to be Pointless Poppy's staff to show her sister that she's as important as she made out?! And wouldn't it be a turn up for the books if it turned out that her sister WASN'T as successful as she thought and they were BOTH lying? But that would never happen!
So, despite a little bit of recalcitrance from Lucy the Skeletor on that scheme - Arfuuuuur appears at the Vic to pretend to be her rich and successful boyfriend. Unfortunately, Mo is in this episode (despite months of absence) and scuppers the deception.
Ah but just when it seems that all is lost, Skeletor and Twitney appear pretending to be staff that work for Pointless Poppy! It doesn't take too long for PP's sister to start moaning about how everything is perfect for the Pointless one and... gasp, what's this? Oh, her fiancée has broken up with her! She saw right through the lie about the salon though... Clearly she got the brains in the family but she's far more impressed with Arfuuuuurrrr, who she says is clearly head over heels for her.
She runs to the Vic and they have a bit of a kiss - aww. The question now becomes "how soon and how horribly will this relationship end?"
Until next time, just remember - it's only a badly written TV show... isn't it?
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