Cut to the Vic and we find out that Christian is... MOVING TO THE USA! DUN DUN DUN! Someone must have been reading up on dramatic irony! Naturally, Roxy Mitchell (aka Poxy) being the supportive friend she is pretty much says "WOT ABOUT ME?!" Friendships like that don't come along very often!
Naturally, what makes Syed go off the deep end - complete with throwing stuff onto the street cliche! - is finding out that Christian has had enough of his spineless, lying cheating ways and is off. If anything, the only shocking thing here is that Christian stuck with the snivelling whelp this long.
Alice Branning (she of the eternal half-day) has apparently - after learning stage-fight jitsu yesterday - morphed into a proto-chav overnight, repeatedly saying "WHATEVER!" to her father. Amazingly, he's actually concerned at this turn of events! Then later she faces off against Lola's former chav troop but is fortunately rescued by Ray... why exactly are the chav troop back in the Square? We may never find out but presumably they were on a half day.
Speaking of half-days, Pointless Poppy has apparently joined Alice in taking them and is able to instantly discern "Fatboy's" (aka Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrr) infatuation with a girl. Which leads to her trying to help him get appropriately attired to seduce a middle aged twice divorced single mother who was kidnapped by her serial killer husband. Pointless Poppy bombards Arfuuuuuur with advice - which is about as hilarious as watching paint dry.
Having boozed it up on the big party night that is Monday, all the adult Branning are hung over. Hang overs that are apparently bad enough to render everyone that has them hypersensitive to sound to the point of physical pain but which clear up in about two minutes... JUST LIKE REAL HANGOVERS! It's that attention to detail that really brings the show to life. This inexplicably leads to the Hogfather (Derek Branning) and Scotch Egg (Max Branning) going off to vote the love of Hogfather's life... It's just as well no one has a job to go to!
This being Eastenders, the love of Hogfather's life is apparently not quite on the same page as him as regards their romance for the ages and predictably, he's none too happy that Scotch Egg dragged him outside of Albert Square to have his romantic recollections shattered, leading to the ever so predictable driving off without the other person scene.
Patrick spends the whole day trying to convince the mummified Cora to talk about her long lost daughter - with actually some nice reference to Patrick's history with his sons, isn't it great when people seem to be able to recall things that happened more than a month ago?! - the best way to do this is apparently gambling.
As one might expect, they are not afforded the opportunity to have a discussion about this as Cora walks back in, waving around money she won on a horse while the officious market inspector, Lister is apparently concerned that Cora has stolen a bag he donated to... which (this being Eastenders) immediately leads to someone turning up IN PERSON to subject Cora to a personal inquisition who has the authority to fire her (which he does because he discovers Patrick's bottle of rum) on the spot. Naturally when he does his best Lord Sugar "You're fired!", Cora's response is to tell him to get out.
It's really rather baffling as to why she'd spill her guts and then act as if nothing happened but then, presumably we're just waiting for enough people to be around for her to announce she has a middle aged, mixed race daughter. That - or the long lost daughter's appearance - will doubtless be her Christmas present to the family.
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