Ever since the Phantom Shagger storyline started - sometime during the Jurassic period - it seems as if the Branning brothers have become inseparable because tonight we see them together. Again. In the Vic. Again... the only reason this doesn't trigger full blown deja vu is because we don't have Kat standing back, eyeing them up with the expression of someone suffering some kind of gastro-intestinal distress.
As one might expect, they just waltz into the flat above the Vic and announce that it's poker night... They're somewhat surprised when they find that Alfie isn't ready to welcome them. This shouldn't really be surprising for anyone that has watched the show for more than a few hours. People in Walford may outwardly appear to be human - or at least crude approximations of humans - but they are anything but... It's one thing to turn up to a friend's house unannounced, something entirely different to go into their house and then rebuke them for not being ready and be shocked at their audacity for having made other plans... which, naturally, is what the three mismatched brothers do!
And as proof that the writers (aka the Crayon Crew) are familiar with Chekov's Gun, there is a none too subtle scene in the kitchen where Derek Branning (aka the Hogfather) takes notice that Kat has pawned a ring and then remarks upon it loudly to his brothers. Naturally, the best place to make comment upon the financial hardship of someone is in that person's kitchen when they're about to walk back in.
Of course, ever the spineless whelp Alfie comes in and apologises for not knowing a significant portion of the exponentially expanding Branning clan was going to be inviting themselves around and makes his excuses but bids them stay... as one does... and since when was four a good number for poker and why on Earth would they play in the poky kitchen of the Vic? Oh, right - so we can have another "clue" to the identity of... THE PHANTOM SHAGGER. A storyline that is starting to make the babyswap debacle seem like an exercise in brevity and the avoidance of repetition.
Alfie is lured to the B&B by the mentally handicapped Kim - the B&B which is such an 'elf and safety nightmare that it's about due to be burned down again to prevent a plague outbreak - where we find out that SURPRISE! It's a romantic date with Kat! That's a booby prize if ever there was one. Fortunately the soul destroying conversation between Albert Square's answer to entropy is cut short by the appearance of the best actor on Eastenders for many years - a mouse. It shocks Kat so much that her voice suddenly changes dramatically in quality when the camera isn't on her.
They go back to the Vic, Alfie not content to have spent the whole dinner likening his love for Kat to a drug addiction - goes on about how wonderful it was... JUST so we know that this is in fact the hagiography of Saint Alfie of Walford and that Kat is just a fickle slapper - because, when she goes into the kitchen she finds her mother's engagement ring has magically returned, after the mysterious hand of the Phantom Shagger took it earlier that evening.
Now, some amongst you might remember the short lived and thoroughly pointless storyline involving the football club and remember after actors were showcasing their panto talent in a fight, Kat was seen holding hands with someone who was CLEARLY black and that after he left there was a note that said "I love you". Naturally, that's why Ray has been removed from the Phantom Shagger list, leaving it as one of the Branning brothers!
What's even MORE ridiculous is that the most likely suspect is the Hogfather but then, the whole premise of a "whodunnit" with an affair is ridiculous because it has required Kat to spend the past several epochs gurning at all five of the suspects and acting as cartoonishly suspicious as is humanly possible.
Syed and Christian are trying to reconcile. Why on Earth would you want Roxy Mitchell (aka Poxy) giving you advice on your relationship? Naturally, the Crayon Crew having run the character of Syed into the ground over the past six months, feel they haven't QUITE hammered home what a spineless joke he is. So, we have to go over the fact he apparently SLEPT with the sleazy city trader/banker/conman from Hollyoaks again before he can mention he's shipping his daughter off to... BIRMINGHAM! DUN DUN DUN! Because as we all know, when you leave Walford you might as well have been hurled into the furthest reaches of space.
Masood and Zainab have a really awkward scene just before Christian appears that makes it seem like at least one person on the Crayon Crew is a BIG 50 Shades of Grey fan... which is amusing because as holocaustically bad as that is as s piece of literature, it's Shakespeare compared to what we get in Eastenders.
Michael Moon (aka Count Moonula) has some flirting to do with Poxy. Naturally, after having had his wife have a difficult labour and a premature baby and leaving him suddenly AND pulling the rug out from under him as regards all the various businesses... it's only natural that he's now putting the moves on Poxy and ASKING HER TO MOVE IN WITH HIM.
It's one of those episodes where you get the impression the switching between the three-ish different threads is supposed to be clever but it just feels stilted and awkward... and this whole B&B thing is just getting beyond ridiculous. Still, at least we had some dialogue from Tracy... it's a shame the mouse had to steal the limelight!
Oh and someone might want to tell the Crayon Crew that generally speaking, mice aren't something you can catch with your bare hands... but then, one has to assume that the rodentia in the nightmarish world of Walford are as stupid as their human counterparts...
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