Thursday 29th November 2012

We own to seeing the spineless Alfie proclaiming that the grotty (and mostly forgotten) Walford market is going to be transformed into Hamburg - a prospect about as realistic as a well written episode of Eastenders...

Pointless Poppy enlists the help of Arfuuuuuur and Tamwar to try and resolve these financial concerns - clearly unaware that if they are ignored, they will remedy themselves - but they leave as Cora has risen from the grave to kill again! Only to discover about Lauren's car crash. She has a go at Tanya for not telling her.

The terrifying sight of Kalfie in the Vic kitchen rears its ugly head. Alfie is so surprised at opening a letter of Kat's that it suddenly sounds as if he's talking later and in a totally different place... but that happens a lot in Walford due to time and space folding abilities of the houses - it's murder on the acoustics! It's surprising we don't hear the clanging of a plot point being dropped though, as it's for an open house for the bedsit, clearly sent by... THE PHANTOM SHAGGER! In lieu of writing in lipstick on mirrors though, she actually calls him up to tell him to lay off... it really says a lot about the unadulterated idiocy of writing when that actually qualifies as one of the most intelligent things Kat has done in this whole Phantom Shagger debacle... Will she tell the clueless Alfie though? NOPE!

After remarking how the German market is already costing them money and listening to the nonsensical blatherings of Jean for about a minute, she heads off to the open house - having received a text from the Phantom Shagger. She gets there to find flowers in the shape of a heart on the bed - that must have taken a while! - and a message (in lipstick!) on the mirror about how he's counting the hours. Kat immediately wipes the mirror clean of the message and throws her key into the bin before strumping back to the Vic.

Apparently at some point, Kalfie have agreed they can open each others post - seems like a bad idea in the run up to Christmas - and Kat has to watch a gleeful Alfie open a package delivered by courier, despite the Phantom Shagger sending her a text that says "the postman always rings twice"... and what is this? It's a big wodge of cash and a ferry ticket, so Alfie can go to Cologne! Kat looks as if she has been punched to the gut but no one ponders just how someone was able to anticipate this eventuality and get a courier to arrive less than an hour after this trip had been decided upon... but then the Phantom Shagger is mysterious!

While Alfie is being a berk (although, it may be easier to say when he ISN'T being one) with Tommy, Kat receives another message from the Phantom Shagger proclaiming "Now I've got you all to myself". Uh... he's starting to sound less like someone Kat is having an affair with and more like a stalker/rapist/serial killer... maybe that message on the mirror wasn't in lipstick, maybe it was dried blood?! Actually, that would make for a far more interesting twist to this painfully dull story than is likely to happen but fingers crossed.

Pointless Poppy finds a mass of FINAL DEMANDS at Cora's flat. Cora is sitting on the sofa, looking more mummified than usual - the only indication of life being the smoking cigarette wedged between her fingers. The phone rings, without causing any reaction in the comatose Cora - Pointless Poppy gets it and tells Patrick that Cora is asleep... that's an overstatement! Fossils have seemed more life like! But just to make sure we didn't forget the FINAL DEMANDS, she stares at the thick pile of them with concern.

Gloomy guts Carol checks on the ginger whinger Bianca, only to find out that she was... sleeping on the floor? Then we see her forcefully brushing Twitney's hair - both Carol and Twitney rejecting her offer of a haircut, which she takes great offence to... you have NO QUALIFICATIONS! She then rolls into the salon after noon - wasn't she supposed to be starting in the MORNING? But it's OK, Tanya had apparently completely forgotten.

She gets someone to work on but HILARIOUSLY, it's an old woman! Oh, wait. That isn't funny. Neither is the fact Bianca - not exactly known for her soft spoken voice - shouts everything at her and manages to instantly knock everything within arm's reach to the ground. Next thing we know, she's back at home moping and then all of a sudden, she's in the Vic and Pointless Poppy tells her she can do a proper trial on Monday and she's all smiles and sunshine.

Lauren - still with some dried jam on her forehead - is calling Joey... apparently she has now remembered mobile phones exist and that she owns one! Tanya comes in and Lauren launches into an "it's all my fault" tirade but Tanya points out the hospital know that Lauren was drinking... uh, how? Are we supposed to believe they'd draw blood for a possible concussion? And if this could lead to the possibility of perverting the course of justice as she says, then DEREK IS EQUALLY AT RISK OF THAT!

Then we get Walford PD at the door! Quizzing people in the comfort of their own homes with not one but TWO police officers. Lauren does a bit of faking out where it seems as if she's going to say Joey wasn't driving but she's just foolin' around and doesn't change her statement. Making you wonder why the police had to waste time going to see people WHO MIGHT NOT EVEN BE IN. Your taxes at work!

Joey is apparently hiding out/sleeping in the club - it's good to know someone is using it! He bumps into Derek in the Square, who offers him a place to stay before the marauding police officers ask him to accompany them to the station just as well they found him! Lauren arrives just to see him getting into a police car (to drive the hundred or so metres to the police station), at which point a conveniently positioned Jacknochio opines that he's "in for a stretch" and asks "what was he thinking?". Probably "AHHH! WE'RE GOING TO CRASH INTO A POUND SHOP THAT APPEARS TO BE IMPROBABLY SITUATED ON AN INDUSTRIAL ESTATE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!"

Walford's Hogfather of crime appears in the Germanised Vic - this constitutes German flags and polka music  - to break the news about the Hogson staying around to the Scotch Egg... and then, horror of horrors the three headed Branning Beast has reconstituted itself! Derek then goes on to tell his brothers this is a "new start".

Alfie starts discussing the German market with the Branning Beast and within moments, it has been agreed that he is off to Germany to pick up crates of German goodies as this will be a "nice little earner". Complete with everyone in the Vic spontaneously agreeing to it and Jacknocchio making sure we appreciate that it's going to happen by saying "That's settled then, Alfie." Wow, if not for that line - I'd have never guessed that the matter was settled! Except it's not as Kat - points out he won't have enough money.

Lauren turns up at the police station to do what people in Walford ALWAYS do outside the police station - admit guilt to a crime loudly. Joey does the "it was just a bit of fun!" but Lauren parries with "look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me!" Joey walks away before he has to consider acting.

And apparently, he's going to become Cora's new lodger because he talked to Arfuuuuuuurrr. Despite the fact Joey is apparently a gigantic woman magnet and Arfuuuuur could have been co-habiting with his lady friend! A point so obvious that Tamwar has to point it out for Arfuuuuuuurrrrr - who is sleeping on the Masood's sofa - who then looks very worried.

Oh and Lauren as apparently remembered her drinking problem because Tanya finds her in the shop buying a bottle of vodka. They have a heart-to-heart later where Lauren tells her mother what happened outside the police station, Tanya trying to suppress a smile when her daughter says that her cousin doesn't love her. Touching.