Friday 30th November 2012

The misery begins in the most efficient way (for the inducement of suffering in the viewer) possible as we are treated to the creature born of pure entropy - Kalfie. Alfie shouts like a loon at the window of the Vic (somehow knowing Kat is upstairs and in that room) before starting to spin around asking Kat to guess what he is... she shows surprising wisdom when she says "A NUTTTAAAAHHHH!" What a charmer but the brain damaged bartender is apparently being a carousel. Her mood sours (further) when she sees a large bunch of roses that are just sitting in the garden (positioned directly behind where Alfie was standing but which he apparently missed).

Gormless as ever, Alfie has apparently discovered this ENORMOUS bouquet of roses (easily worth hundreds of pounds but apparently this profligate gift is untouched by the overwhelmingly criminal inhabitants of Walford... Kat expresses FURTHER concern about his trip to Germany but Alfie is completely oblivious to this. Kat punctuates the scene by giving one of those "I've eaten something that doesn't agree with me." looks that have now become her trademark.

Her clever plan is apparently to go along with Alfie to Germany... OK, it's not clever. It's just a plan. Then the phone goes as she walks by it, who could it be?! Oh, right - it's THE PHANTOM SHAGGER! DUN DUN DUN! He must be psychic to have known she was JUST next to the phone at that point in time... that or he has the Vic rigged with cameras. That combined with his persistence (despite being repeatedly told it's unwanted), excessive gifts and creepy comments are making this storyline increasingly more like the prelude to a serial killer/rapist storyline than anything.

That is only added to when Kat goes into the dark cellar and finds the door ajar... some tension music wouldn't have been out of place here and then she turns to see a figure IN THE DARK! Oh, it's just Alfie there to tell Kat that Poxy has disappeared  and can't run the bar - how convenient! She suggests Jean - really, someone you all treat like a Dickensian mad woman running the Vic? Actually, it's debatable as to whether that would be worse than Poxy and apparently Arfuuuuuuuur isn't a good choice.

Alfie makes a bit of a to do about his departure, only for us to realise in horror that it's... THE BRANNING BEAST! AVERT YOUR EYES! Kalfie have a kiss (that incites the five extras to emit a wooo!) before Alfie and Arfuuuuuuur disappear off. No sooner are they out the door than Kat gets Jean to watch the bar so she can "take Tommy to the doctors", even though it's pitch black out. She returns - apparently having gone to the doctor - and acts so suspiciously, even resident mad woman Jean is suspicious. She makes sure to lock and bolt her back door though - it's a shame getting upstairs in the Vic is easier than crossing the street then.

Kat takes Tommy upstairs to finds the Phantom Shagger has paid her another visit! Now, his little gift was a candle and he says that if she puts it in the window and lights it, "he'll come a knocking" - prompting her to throw the candle out the window. Just a little later we see Patrick giving Jean a candle. What could possibly happen?!

For unexplained reasons (aka plot convenience), Kat wants to close up early... ON A FRIDAY NIGHT! Oh, wait - the place is dead because as we all know, MONDAY is the big drinking night in Walford! So, after the last customer is out of the door - Jean goes to quiet down Tommy as Kat tidies up but what's that? SHE HAS THE CANDLE WITH HER! Yeah but she'd have to be mentally infirm to actually light a candle when there's a child clearly capable of getting out of bed... oh. Oh dear.

Jean mentions that she put the candle in the window and Kat rushes upstairs to put it out (although, she hesitates briefly) before going downstairs to pour herself a stiff drink. To up the creepy serial killer/rapist vibe - she is all alone downstairs in the dark as someone starts knocking and then rattling the door... it wouldn't be a particularly big tonal shift if the Phantom Shagger took an axe to the door at this point in proceedings!

Bianca and Carol are apparently at odds as Bianca seems apathetic - although she is going to provide a FEAST of chicken nuggets... what would Jamie Oliver say?! Carol says they need to start "working together" which enrages Bianca sufficiently that she has to go to the toilet!

Later, Carol and Derek are in the Vic (because alcohol in public houses in central London is something easily affordable for gigantic families barely managing to live above the poverty line). She is at a loose end and Derek vows that he will make a family out of Hogson and Half-Day Alice if it kills him. DRAMATIC FORESHADOWING!

They're called back as there is a FIRE IN THE DISCO! This is the second time in a week Derek has rushed toward a blaze - has he got a death wish? One sparks and WOOSH! His whole head will go up in smoke but apparently Bianca is incapable of preparing even chicken nuggets as she fell asleep at the table, which somehow caused her chicken nuggets to produce dry ice! She should sell that to Heston Blumenthal! Cue the ginger whinger having a cry.

The Hogfather remarks he has become rather good at saving the day and has a bit of a heart to heart with Bianca, he's able to relate to being in prison apparently, the quiet at night is unsettling after the constant noise when you're at Her Majesty's pleasure. This is actually a rather good scene - shocking, eh?

Derek breezes into the (main) Branning residence - they've taken over half the Square now! - and warns Tanya that she should be more security conscious as the door was on the latch. No one ever locks their doors in Walford. If they do, they open them to strangers/people they don't want to talk to and if not, they can be knocked down more easily than dominoes (as evidence by Phil "The Human Wrecking Machine" Mitchell), so... it seems like rather pointless advice.

He's just around to make a friendly demand of Tanya - that she ensure that Joey be banished from Cora's and start staying with him. OK, Tanya will have more pull with him that the Hogfather but she isn't a miracle worker - especially as she has burned her bridges with her mother... and given the clear animosity that exists between Hogfather and Hogson, it's not as if getting him kicked out is going to immediately equate to him moving in with Derek. He could just GO BACK TO HIS MOTHER!

Cora is apparently doing the Hogson a "big favour" by letting him kip at her house... she doesn't really seem to understand how the whole lodger proposition works as she seems almost amazed when he hands her a bundle of notes... which are all fifties... given that Walford is so deprived that it receives aid from Somalia and Ethiopia, why is it that fifty pound notes seem more common than fivers?

As Tanya is a complete idiot, she goes to see her mother to do Derek's bidding. She seems to have forgotten her mother is the honey badger of Albert Square (but without the looks) and seems surprised when trying to pressure her with Max's displeasure results in nothing but mild amusement. Cora doing the first sensible thing for ages tells Tanya to get out.

Immediately upon exiting, Derek is there asking if she has good news because he wants the Hogson HOMELESS! Doesn't he realise that at ANY time he could just go back to living with his mother? Perhaps he's banking on the Hogson being incapable of remembering that. Derek starts to get a bit aggressive but luckily, Sharon and her ridiculous hair/voice/acting come along to scare him off... she probably got stuck down a sofa for a few weeks, that's all!

They return to the (main) Branning residence and chat about her secret sister before we have mention of something we'd all forgotten - TANYA'S CANCER FLU! She's going for a scan next week. Will the Crayon Crew manage to remember it? That's about the only suspense in that plot point but the two vow to have a drink later as invisible Ian (quite a feat given the amount of weight he put on during his months of vagrancy) will babysit.

Sharon has apparently decided to use this opportunity to try and get Lola a job at the salon but even the ill defined financials of a Walford business can only have so many people on the payroll, so she's just going to be on work experience - brace yourself for "hilarious" hijinks - and then (because Tanya has absolutely no friends since Jane left and has known Sharon for maybe two months) she asks if she'd like to be the maid of honour!

Lauren goes to see Cora to find out why she was upset before and Cora spills her guts about her long lost daughter (again). She bemoans Tanya's meddling ways (she would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those pesky kids!) and then gets Lauren to get her a bottle of Scotch - I guess she forgot Lauren was an alcoholic but then, Lauren seems to as well.

It takes Tanya coming around to remind them that she suffers from a drinking problem but then, this is Eastenders where all problems seem to result in someone looking at the bottom of an empty bottle, so it seems strange that only a minority of people are ever called alcoholics when it's pretty clear Walford has a very pervasive alcohol problem.

Tanya tries to force Lauren home but then Joey walks in and she attacks him, then says she just wants to talk to him, then goes out the front door, leaving Tanya to lambaste her mother about drinking herself into oblivion WITHOUT her daughter next time - that's her told then! Joey has an expression on his face - in much the same way those manikins in stores do.

Abi and Lola have a chat in the caffffffff. Jay has gone off to see the solicitor about his murdering ways and Abi is apparently determined to show him she loves him whatever happens - we'll forget the fact she couldn't stand the sight of him when she found out because the writers do!

So, Patrick - fresh from being rebuked for daring to look at Cora - tells Jay that it's OK. Lots of people support him! That's nice - how exactly will it help him escape criminal charges though, Patrick? Still, Jay gets invited to the salon - where Abi has apparently set up some kind of lover's nest with enough candles to burn the whole country down... Clearly, she wasn't thinking about elf 'n' safety!

But this is apparently the moment that Abi wants to lose her virginity to someone who was an accomplice to murder/manslaughter... aww! Young love, eh? They don't go through with it though because Jay is apparently a eunuch and just wants a bit of a cuddle. AWW!