Scotch Egg's utters something (at volume) in his guttural language - that might well be the black tongue of Mordor - that leads to Derek presenting him with a deadline of 2pm to kick out his son, else he won't give his brother the money which he requires to pay off the mysterious mystery problem.
Clearly, Max is desperate because he actually stops by the car lot to try and sell an actual car... and fails. So, then he tries to get a business loan! Oh, that didn't work either... Next stop is Don Mitchelloni, the big boss of Walford's criminal underworld... except he's apparently playing it straight because beyond being a potential accessory to manslaughter and obstructing the course of justice - he needs to stay legit because social services are well known for their interest in dodgy cars.
Never fear though, Phil's fickle interest in Lexi is apparently approaching its zenith! He's trying to get Lexi to himself but to accomplish this - he needs Billy Idiot out the picture! So, Billy Idiot gormlessly drives off to Blackpool not realising that nothing good ever happens to him... Even more ridiculously though, Phil makes it clear to Lola that his motives are far from altruistic!
Lauren ponders the eternal question of cliché ridden females in dramas - can men and women be JUST friends... something people in the real world generally have a handle on before the end of puberty but before this philosophising for the ages can get under way - Joey tells her that she's a drama queen because she's unemployed!
This is all building up to Lauren's TERRIBLE SECRET! That she draws people on the tube! DUN DUN DUN! But wait, one convenient clumsy drop of papers later it turns out that they're all of Joey! DUN DUN DUN! And the obvious reaction to this is momentary awkwardness followed by a passionate incestuous kiss!
Tanya is still confused about her long lost sister and who better to turn to than Pointless Poppy? Naturally, the advice she has to offer isn't advice per se so much as an endless stream of inanity that will erode your will to live slow and steady.
Because this storyline has to follow the current Eastenders trend of being drawn out painfully - Tanya was told about her long lost sister by Patrick and Tanya doesn't just confront her, they have to play a guessing game! Now, you're probably thinking that after some tedious banter, Tanya will trick her mother into admitting that Ava is alive, right? WRONG! Cora just tells her to stop bothering her because this storyline needs more pointless filler!
So, eschewing the obvious option of confronting her mother AGAIN, Tanya goes on a search on the interwebs to find her long lost sister because what we really need is ANOTHER Branning... OK, she's not a Branning but she's part of the Branning clan and that's hardly a family unit that needed to be added to more. Regardless, Tanya walks into the Vic and despite Patrick sensibly telling her to not rush and possibly let Cora reveal this to her in her own time, she announces she's going to see her sister AT 3PM!
Pointless Poppy continues to coach ARFUUUUUUUUUUUUR on dating women... because apparently despite being in his early 20s, he has a grasp of women akin to an ancient Egyptian's grasp of quantum physics. It seems we're setting up a painful Pointless Poppy/Arfuuuuur romance. Arfuuuur doesn't even realise that a good way to approach women is to say "Can I buy you a drink?"
As soon as Arfuuuuuuuuuur starts schmoozing with a woman at the bar, we immediately see Pointless Poppy realise that she fancies him and bites her lip mournfully... the real question here is when did Arfuuuur suffer brain damage that erased the part of his brain that dealt with how to approach women? Yes, he's generally playing the buffoon - in part due to insecurity but mostly due to the fact he's written by middle aged white men who have no idea how to write a young mixed race character from inner London... but then, it seems fair to say they couldn't write middle aged white men either. They just can't write. Period. - but he's had some success with women and yet now it's as if he's never seen one before... Eh, probably just stopped by Walford General for a personality transplant.
As to Max and the Hogfather... they meet up and despite the fact it's CLEARLY going to come back to haunt him in the not too distant future, he turns down his brother's help thanks to Phil (so much for him being a legitimate business man!) and so, Lauren and Joey can now continue their budding incestuous romance under his roof!
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