Hogfather (aka Derek) comes around to menace Max after their disagreement with THE SECRET SECRET! All we get to hear is how "they" need more money and naturally, the Hogfather is not best pleased with Scotch Egg after what happened last time... could this mean the secret secret will be revealed?! Regardless, Max running a used car business that sells possibly one or two cars a decade can't afford to pay them off, fortunately the Hogfather will pay the money IF Scotch Egg throws the Hogson out onto the street - DUN DUN DUN!
Is that supposed to be tension, jobs in Walford come and go more frequently than buses! Also, last time I checked - he could just go back to living with his mother... oh, that's right both him and Half-Day Alice have forgotten that they have a mother, alive and in the same city.
Billy Idiot decides to shout the odds at Cora... who looks more mummified than usual, is incapable of anything. After apologising to Lola she heads to the pub (early opening hours, eh?) and is apparently barely able to stand by lunchtime! Fortunately, Tanya is there to drag her home for a sit down and some drunken revelations! Oh, wait - that would actually make some kind of sense! Because Tanya goes to see Patrick who spills the beans about her LONG LOST SISTER!
The Chav Troop reappear to menace Lola. Fortunately Billy Idiot appears to say "WE NEED WOOOORDS!" Careful Billy, I'm pretty sure she could take you! Anyway, despite Lola telling him not to interfere what does Billy Idiot do? You'll never guess! HE INTERFERES! He has a talk to the leader of the Chav Troop (as she's now inexplicably alone on the swings) but guess what, as soon as Lola turns up she says "THAT'S WITNESS TAMPERING!" and swans off, leaving Billy Idiot to deal with the consternation of his own chavelette - poor, dumb Billy...
As one would expect, having not done a day of work in months and just gone through a situation where any secret stash of cash would have expedited the salvation of Syed - Christian has purchased a last minute flight to America! Maybe the Queen Vic does Frequent Flyer miles? Actually, that would explain a LOT.
Speaking of the Masoods, Zainab has apparently become a criminal mastermind! Apparently there is fabric in the restaurant that is worth money, so armed with bolt cutters she decides to break in... IN BROAD DAYLIGHT! Genius. Oh but it was just a scheme to get Christian and Syed together! SUPER GENIUS! What better way to get people to sort out their problems than a cliché atop a criminal offence!
Hilariously, Christian rattles off the (long) list of things that spineless Syed has done over the course of their relationship and to this the spineless one goes off on a total non-sequitur and doesn't even APOLOGISE for being... well, a spineless whelp. Honestly, considering how this entire relationship has been little more than a series of lies by Syed to Christian, you'd think he'd consider himself lucky to be shot of this human invertebrate.
But no, as you'd expect in this Wacky World of Walford... they get all teary and make up! There HAS to be a little false tension though, they do the whole "if you love someone, let them go". So, it looks as if Christian is going to head off by himself but WAIT! Syed wants to say goodbye! OH NO! He missed him at the station! HEARTBREAKING! Oh, right - as soon as Syed says "I missed him", Christian is there. Apparently they're BOTH off to America now and have a flight to catch. Bad news for Syed then, you need a visa 48 hours before you leave - so the first thing that happens when he lands in the USA is he'll get detained and shipped back to the UK hogtied!
It's a tearful farewell that's so cookie cutter, even AJ remarks that they should start a dance number... which would at least be mildly entertaining. As one would expect though, the fact Christian has made a grand romantic speech about going to the ends of the Earth with Syed, he looks as overjoyed as someone that just found a pound coin down the back of the sofa and then they trundle off slowly in one of the most unimaginative, unemotional and downright boring exits of recent years... An ending that perfectly fits the entire exit storyline.
It's hard to think that what was probably one of the unquestioned high points of the almost entirely disastrous run of former executive producer Bryan Kirkwood (better known to his detractors as the Burger King), the relationship between Syed and Christian has ended so inauspiciously but then, even before he left, the characters were being ground down... so, really while they had their moments, the nicest thing that can be said is - good riddance. Actually, more like joy now that they've FINALLY left and that storyline is done.
Oh and what do Syed and have for this trans-Atlantic relocation besides no visa for Syed? One SMALL suitcase... for two full grown men, no savings, no visible means of support and of course, a flat full of their stuff. See, what wonderful attention to detail!
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