What's this? A previously unknown character in the Square, staring at a house and Bianca notices! Misery Guts isn't too happy about this... also, Liam is still around. Shouldn't he be back with his thick father? Then Bianca has a bit of a cry before Carol declares her intention to go do something.
Sam is leaving the B&B... which has Kim threatening to make a move on Kim. For once, Pointless Poppy shows some concern.
Denise has to deal with Misery Guts Carol, telling she'd deal with Ian. Then proceeds to try and dissuade him from prosecuting Bianca to the fullest extent of the law.
Sam tries to impress Dexter with a jukebox...
Ohoh, the random stranger has a picture of Twitney. DUN DUN DUN!
Tiffany is still obsessing about Bobby Beale, Twitney seems concerned but this is quickly dismissed when Bianca pulls her mother of the year routine by pleading off work...
The creepy vagrant has a letter for Twitney! DUN DUN DUN!
A whole lot of nothing happens...
Twitney sees creepy tramp is stalking her and remembers her job at the community centre... where Ava is apparently working too. Then she goes out and creepy tramp tells her that her paedo step-father (or whatever) still loves her and is a changed man. She relents and gets the letter, which she opens in full sight of Tyler - who asks her and then flounces off.
Bianca is still worrying but Misery Guts Carol for once is being optimistic... that's a bad sign.
Tiffany comes around to visit but Ian doesn't his son associating with the proles. Denise then asks about this and points out Ian is being an idiot, possibly because he's had a system reset to factory default settings. Hell, she pretty much says as much.
Tamwar has something to do but only because Pointless Poppy wants to escape the B&B! Why? Their rent their for central(ish) London is ridiculous.
Denise is bemoaning Ian's reset when he comes in with flowers.
More Sam and Dexter stuff - who cares?
After months of living in the B&B, Poppy's raison d'etre is to escape it!
Dexter worries about the jukebox but PLOT TWIST! Ava loves it!
Ian and Denise have a heart to heart but then they realise Bobby is missing... and he's playing with Tiffany. Oh dear. Ian promptly turns up and sweetens the deal by telling Bianca he's calling the fuzz, despite the fact Tiffany informs him that Bobby thinks he's a pig. Denise begs him not to call the police and then Tiffany and Bianca turn up at the doorstep to apologise. Ian deals with this in a suitably petty manner, which Denise seems to reward him for. Seriously, sacking Twitney just because?
Twitney shows Tyler the letter from paedo Tony and he seems confused as to why she might be emotional about this... wow, this guy is stupid. Then just carries on as if nothing happened.
Oh, there's a surprise - Arffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffur is moving in with the Masoods!
For a family permanently on the brink of financial ruin, the Butchers seem to have got an absolutely enormous laptop! Oh but Twitney isn't using that - she's applying for a prison visitor order... which probably makes her the first person in Eastenders history who couldn't just turn up.
Thursday, 25 July 2013
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
Tuesday 23rd July 2013
Ian augments the predictable shouting to Jean's revelation with a totally unnecessary flipping over of a table.
Cora and Patrick are having some kind of coffin dodger party that Abi stumbles upon.
Back to the tedium of Ava and Sam!
Carl doesn't seem too pleased at the prospect of coming clean to his mother.
It's Bianca's last day of probation and they're having a party, wouldn't it be a shame if there was a revelation about some recent criminal act.
Ian starts going off at Jean in the usual prosaic manner. Yawn.
Alfie announces his nuptials to Poxy... how exciting!
Cora has lowered herself to thieving from her granddaughter - oh dear. Thankfully she is able to call in Dot's help.
Jean accidentally reveals she wasn't acting alone and then steams into the Vic just as Hollyoaks buys Poxy a bottle of champagne.
It seems that Carl's maaaaaa is in an old folk's home and upon seeing him, immediately feigns sleep... just to say "boo!" when Kirstie gets near.
RANDOM ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE NEW BORN ROYAL!
Dot is coming across all Biblical at the Branning place.
Ohoh, awkward scene with Dexter dealing with his mother having sex with Sam. Oh dear - at least Sam finds it funny. Oh and he thinks this is the time to ask to move in.
Ian starts interrogating the women of the Square until finally, Shirley declares herself the accomplice when Ian starts leaning on Bianca. Downstairs, King Phil turns up for the rent and with his newfound interest in Shirley who knows where this could lead.
Michael gets all up in Janine and Hollyoaks business.
Dot has gone power mad on her puritanical rampage, prompting Patrick to scoff at Abi's attempt to sort out Cora.
Carl's mother asks Kirstie when the first grandkid is coming - ruhroh!
Kat - being the genius she is - takes the opportunity to remonstrate Bianca for getting Jean into this mess and then when Ian asks a question, runs away to ensure he assumes she's guilty but DUN DUN DUN! King Phil warns him off messing with Shirley.
It seems Dexter is ok with Sam moving in... although he's duckfacing up a storm about it as they play darts.
It seems Carl might have mummy issues because his mother seems to be the abusive type. DUN DUN DUN!
Ian is knock, knock, knocking on Bianca's door.
Cora and Dot are acting like five year olds (not for the first time), until Abi breaks it up.
Ava wants Sam to keep the toilet seat down. DOHOHO!
Hollyoaks scares Count Moonula off with a squeeze of the knee - you'd think he'd be made of sterner stuff.
Cora and Dot are BFFs now! Or the forced BFFs that happen in soaps.
Ian - THE MASTER OF UNLOCKING (or possibly just able to remember that no one locks their doors) - burst in on Bianca and says he's going to the police about her actions... despite the fact he did everything he could to prevent a full scale investigation, so there's going to substantiate the allegations beyonds Jean's confession and you can bet that won't last long!
Cora and Patrick are having some kind of coffin dodger party that Abi stumbles upon.
Back to the tedium of Ava and Sam!
Carl doesn't seem too pleased at the prospect of coming clean to his mother.
It's Bianca's last day of probation and they're having a party, wouldn't it be a shame if there was a revelation about some recent criminal act.
Ian starts going off at Jean in the usual prosaic manner. Yawn.
Alfie announces his nuptials to Poxy... how exciting!
Cora has lowered herself to thieving from her granddaughter - oh dear. Thankfully she is able to call in Dot's help.
Jean accidentally reveals she wasn't acting alone and then steams into the Vic just as Hollyoaks buys Poxy a bottle of champagne.
It seems that Carl's maaaaaa is in an old folk's home and upon seeing him, immediately feigns sleep... just to say "boo!" when Kirstie gets near.
RANDOM ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE NEW BORN ROYAL!
Dot is coming across all Biblical at the Branning place.
Ohoh, awkward scene with Dexter dealing with his mother having sex with Sam. Oh dear - at least Sam finds it funny. Oh and he thinks this is the time to ask to move in.
Ian starts interrogating the women of the Square until finally, Shirley declares herself the accomplice when Ian starts leaning on Bianca. Downstairs, King Phil turns up for the rent and with his newfound interest in Shirley who knows where this could lead.
Michael gets all up in Janine and Hollyoaks business.
Dot has gone power mad on her puritanical rampage, prompting Patrick to scoff at Abi's attempt to sort out Cora.
Carl's mother asks Kirstie when the first grandkid is coming - ruhroh!
Kat - being the genius she is - takes the opportunity to remonstrate Bianca for getting Jean into this mess and then when Ian asks a question, runs away to ensure he assumes she's guilty but DUN DUN DUN! King Phil warns him off messing with Shirley.
It seems Dexter is ok with Sam moving in... although he's duckfacing up a storm about it as they play darts.
It seems Carl might have mummy issues because his mother seems to be the abusive type. DUN DUN DUN!
Ian is knock, knock, knocking on Bianca's door.
Cora and Dot are acting like five year olds (not for the first time), until Abi breaks it up.
Ava wants Sam to keep the toilet seat down. DOHOHO!
Hollyoaks scares Count Moonula off with a squeeze of the knee - you'd think he'd be made of sterner stuff.
Cora and Dot are BFFs now! Or the forced BFFs that happen in soaps.
Ian - THE MASTER OF UNLOCKING (or possibly just able to remember that no one locks their doors) - burst in on Bianca and says he's going to the police about her actions... despite the fact he did everything he could to prevent a full scale investigation, so there's going to substantiate the allegations beyonds Jean's confession and you can bet that won't last long!
Monday, 22 July 2013
Monday 22nd July 2013
For reasons best known to himself, Ian is alone in the restaurant looking a bit of a mess when Peter calls.
Cut to the cafffff which is closed again and Jean being her usual fragile self and Ian appears to huff and haw at the cafffffffff not being open.
Turns out the situation with the cafffffffffffffffffffff is all down to Evil Lucy playing games - goodness, who could have foreseen her being spiteful?!
Awkward Michael and Janine scene!
It seems the mysterious mystery of Shirley's situation is over before it has begun as moments after Denise finds a letter to her that is something to do with the Jobseeker's Allowance, we discover her sleeping in the Arches... discovered by King Phil, no less and he is his normal charming self.
Kat seems to take the announcement of Alfie's imminent nuptials in her stride, while he behaves as if he's telling her someone just died... don't get too excited Alfie.
King Phil has had one of his characteristic changes of heart as he treats Shirley to breakfast, offers to let her have a shower and various other things... it's almost as if the man's motivations change faster than the weather!
Kirstie bemoans not finding out about Max's departure... good grief, woman - get some semblance of self-respect.
It turns out all of Jean's problems are down to not having a man in her life! At least Eastenders is consistent.
Shirley asks the ridiculous question of why Phil isn't at work - hahaha. Then she goes on to point out the blood of the Mitchell clan is all but spent. Then after some more backstory, she says that she and Phil weren't the best looking couple ever (ENTER: MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS!) and even more improbably, that she was the best thing to happen to Phil.
Jean goes on her date! It's awkward!
More awkwardness between Michael and Janine!
Ian is politely menaced by Carl but no sooner has that happened than Peter bursts in babbling about a dodgy curry and then Jay is telling him there's someone at the chippie talking about a deep fat frier... He then shuts the caffffffffffffff as he moans about not being able to rely on his family. Oh, no! It's almost as if stealing back the businesses had consequences!
Oh and how terribly original of casting Mr. The Bill as an ex-copper! He and Jean seem to be getting on alright.
Kirstie and Carl are doing their whole "remember the old times", before Kirstie hitting upon some secret from Carl's past. DUN DUN DUN!
It seems Jean is nervous after being reminded Mr. Bill was in the police but he puts the moves on her, resulting in a kiss.
It turns out that staying in central London at the peak of the holiday season at the B&B is super cheap as when Phil turns up to ask why Shirley was kicked out, he hands over five hundred pounds and this is sufficient to secure "two to three months". Denise also tells him that Shirley's benefits were cut... possibly the first instance of any meaningful impact of benefits reform? Anyway, Denise remarks upon the improbability of Phil being a good samaritan - stop pointing out the character inconsistencies!
Carl's secret is that his mother thinks he and Kirstie are still together.
Having had a moment of happiness, Jean is pulled back down to Earth when Evil Lucy offers exposition on Ian's actions since the restaurant was wrecked and this prompts Jean to head off to check on Ian but she's stopped by the bickering of the two shrill haradines, Kat and Bianca (who are no longer BFFs).
Shirley asks Phil for fifty pounds, when he gives her a tenner she says she'd rather go through the bins - well, make up your mind! Anyway, Denise comes around - it turns out that it was Shirley's housing benefit that was the problem and she pretends that it has all been sorted, allowing Shirley to tell Phil a truce will happen over her dead body.
Jean is standing outside the chippie when she hears a fire alarm from the restaurant, running in she finds Ian staring at a pot as if in a trance. She turns the gas off and drops it into the sink before pouring water over it (that's probably ruined the pot) and leading the bewildered Ian out... just one thing. He's in the kitchen... what kind of idiot fits a smoke alarm in a professional kitchen? Those things are heat sensitive, else they'd go off every five minutes. In fact, a second thing - why isn't the restaurant being deluged with water? Or does that only happen when the plot says so?
Kirstie tells Carl, she'll go and see his mum with him but just so they can tell her they've split up - WHAT A TWIST!
Michael and Janine in the Vic together, ohoh - who's that? It's Mr. Hollyoaks... good grief, when did Eastenders become so filled with the cast-offs from other soaps?
Ian rehashes to Jean pretty much exactly what Evil Lucy had said earlier but obviously adds a few extra emotional gut punches to it. As the icing on the cake, he tells Jean he doesn't deserve a friend like her and gives her a hug and this prompts the confession... Ian's explosive reaction to follow.
Cut to the cafffff which is closed again and Jean being her usual fragile self and Ian appears to huff and haw at the cafffffffff not being open.
Turns out the situation with the cafffffffffffffffffffff is all down to Evil Lucy playing games - goodness, who could have foreseen her being spiteful?!
Awkward Michael and Janine scene!
It seems the mysterious mystery of Shirley's situation is over before it has begun as moments after Denise finds a letter to her that is something to do with the Jobseeker's Allowance, we discover her sleeping in the Arches... discovered by King Phil, no less and he is his normal charming self.
Kat seems to take the announcement of Alfie's imminent nuptials in her stride, while he behaves as if he's telling her someone just died... don't get too excited Alfie.
King Phil has had one of his characteristic changes of heart as he treats Shirley to breakfast, offers to let her have a shower and various other things... it's almost as if the man's motivations change faster than the weather!
Kirstie bemoans not finding out about Max's departure... good grief, woman - get some semblance of self-respect.
It turns out all of Jean's problems are down to not having a man in her life! At least Eastenders is consistent.
Shirley asks the ridiculous question of why Phil isn't at work - hahaha. Then she goes on to point out the blood of the Mitchell clan is all but spent. Then after some more backstory, she says that she and Phil weren't the best looking couple ever (ENTER: MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS!) and even more improbably, that she was the best thing to happen to Phil.
Jean goes on her date! It's awkward!
More awkwardness between Michael and Janine!
Ian is politely menaced by Carl but no sooner has that happened than Peter bursts in babbling about a dodgy curry and then Jay is telling him there's someone at the chippie talking about a deep fat frier... He then shuts the caffffffffffffff as he moans about not being able to rely on his family. Oh, no! It's almost as if stealing back the businesses had consequences!
Oh and how terribly original of casting Mr. The Bill as an ex-copper! He and Jean seem to be getting on alright.
Kirstie and Carl are doing their whole "remember the old times", before Kirstie hitting upon some secret from Carl's past. DUN DUN DUN!
It seems Jean is nervous after being reminded Mr. Bill was in the police but he puts the moves on her, resulting in a kiss.
It turns out that staying in central London at the peak of the holiday season at the B&B is super cheap as when Phil turns up to ask why Shirley was kicked out, he hands over five hundred pounds and this is sufficient to secure "two to three months". Denise also tells him that Shirley's benefits were cut... possibly the first instance of any meaningful impact of benefits reform? Anyway, Denise remarks upon the improbability of Phil being a good samaritan - stop pointing out the character inconsistencies!
Carl's secret is that his mother thinks he and Kirstie are still together.
Having had a moment of happiness, Jean is pulled back down to Earth when Evil Lucy offers exposition on Ian's actions since the restaurant was wrecked and this prompts Jean to head off to check on Ian but she's stopped by the bickering of the two shrill haradines, Kat and Bianca (who are no longer BFFs).
Shirley asks Phil for fifty pounds, when he gives her a tenner she says she'd rather go through the bins - well, make up your mind! Anyway, Denise comes around - it turns out that it was Shirley's housing benefit that was the problem and she pretends that it has all been sorted, allowing Shirley to tell Phil a truce will happen over her dead body.
Jean is standing outside the chippie when she hears a fire alarm from the restaurant, running in she finds Ian staring at a pot as if in a trance. She turns the gas off and drops it into the sink before pouring water over it (that's probably ruined the pot) and leading the bewildered Ian out... just one thing. He's in the kitchen... what kind of idiot fits a smoke alarm in a professional kitchen? Those things are heat sensitive, else they'd go off every five minutes. In fact, a second thing - why isn't the restaurant being deluged with water? Or does that only happen when the plot says so?
Kirstie tells Carl, she'll go and see his mum with him but just so they can tell her they've split up - WHAT A TWIST!
Michael and Janine in the Vic together, ohoh - who's that? It's Mr. Hollyoaks... good grief, when did Eastenders become so filled with the cast-offs from other soaps?
Ian rehashes to Jean pretty much exactly what Evil Lucy had said earlier but obviously adds a few extra emotional gut punches to it. As the icing on the cake, he tells Jean he doesn't deserve a friend like her and gives her a hug and this prompts the confession... Ian's explosive reaction to follow.
Friday, 19 July 2013
Friday 19th July 2013
It's Bobby's buuuuufday and the Beale family is still not happy.
Michael moans about Scarlet's birthday to Kat.
Ian tries to build bridges with Peter but to no avail... time for a team talk with Denise, who reminds him about Carl... apparently, that'll be sorted by reunifying the Beale family. Fortunately, Janine comes in and her snide remark prompts Ian to have a good idea... let's hope it's better than the last one which went about as well as trying to put out a fire with petrol.
Bianca chides her love sick daughter... could it be that her paedo ex is involved?
Janine thinks a first birthday needs a big hoorah. She's damaged goods.
Billy Idiot being the pivotal lynchpin of Janine's business empire (who gets fired once or twice a month) is being sent off to the far flung reaches of said empire... which upsets Lola.
Ian suggests a party for the new head Bobby to win Evil Lucy back but she seems less than sold.
The eternally poor Lola is looking especially freakish as she bosses Cora and Abi into doing something for Lexi's buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurfday. Who cares?
Michael downsizes his daughter's buuuuuuuurday.
Grandad and Poxy are doing great! Just look at Alfie's face!
Scarlet's birthday requires a Shetland pony.
Oh and it seems EVERYONE is having a birthday party today... Lexi, Scarlet, Bobby... bad things come in threes.
Looks like Shirley is down to pocket change... it makes you wonder how it came to this. Thank goodness it's all a nebulous mystery that just dropped out of the sky! Ohoh, she's shoplifting!
Oh, looks like the party (for Scarlet) has taken a wrong turn as Janine invited the wrong people. Oops.
At Lexi's party... Lola is looking positively orange. Phil even points out it's not her real birthday - so why the hell is this happening today at the drop of a hat.
Ian tries to use his son's birthday as an opportunity to build bridges, evil Lucy seems less than convinced.
Awkward Kat and Alfie scene!
Ian "apologises" to Evil Lucy... which apparently wins Peter over. Even Lucy seems a little convinced.
It seems even the Crayon Crew realise how stupid this episode is as Bianca comments on the ridiculous prevalence of childrens birthday parties.
Awkward Michael and Janine scene!
It turns out that Tiffany's secret love is Bobby... DUN DUN DUN!
Janine can't handle Michael and her being all family friendly.
Ian and Bianca warn their children off one another and then the ever toxic Sharon turns up and it seems her son is following in her footsteps by thieving one of Bobby's presents on his way out!
Tango Lola finds out they DID sort a party for Lexi... even though it's not her birthday and she'll be too young to remember it, making it all entirely pointless.
Lucy finds out Ian was telling porkies about wanting a party!
Shirley - having money problems as she does - decides the best thing to do is quit her job!
Lucy tells Ian - in essence - that he's dead to her... maybe if she ate something her mood would improve?
Alfie drops the marriage bombshell on Kat. She doesn't take it too well.
Michael moans about Scarlet's birthday to Kat.
Ian tries to build bridges with Peter but to no avail... time for a team talk with Denise, who reminds him about Carl... apparently, that'll be sorted by reunifying the Beale family. Fortunately, Janine comes in and her snide remark prompts Ian to have a good idea... let's hope it's better than the last one which went about as well as trying to put out a fire with petrol.
Bianca chides her love sick daughter... could it be that her paedo ex is involved?
Janine thinks a first birthday needs a big hoorah. She's damaged goods.
Billy Idiot being the pivotal lynchpin of Janine's business empire (who gets fired once or twice a month) is being sent off to the far flung reaches of said empire... which upsets Lola.
Ian suggests a party for the new head Bobby to win Evil Lucy back but she seems less than sold.
The eternally poor Lola is looking especially freakish as she bosses Cora and Abi into doing something for Lexi's buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurfday. Who cares?
Michael downsizes his daughter's buuuuuuuurday.
Grandad and Poxy are doing great! Just look at Alfie's face!
Scarlet's birthday requires a Shetland pony.
Oh and it seems EVERYONE is having a birthday party today... Lexi, Scarlet, Bobby... bad things come in threes.
Looks like Shirley is down to pocket change... it makes you wonder how it came to this. Thank goodness it's all a nebulous mystery that just dropped out of the sky! Ohoh, she's shoplifting!
Oh, looks like the party (for Scarlet) has taken a wrong turn as Janine invited the wrong people. Oops.
At Lexi's party... Lola is looking positively orange. Phil even points out it's not her real birthday - so why the hell is this happening today at the drop of a hat.
Ian tries to use his son's birthday as an opportunity to build bridges, evil Lucy seems less than convinced.
Awkward Kat and Alfie scene!
Ian "apologises" to Evil Lucy... which apparently wins Peter over. Even Lucy seems a little convinced.
It seems even the Crayon Crew realise how stupid this episode is as Bianca comments on the ridiculous prevalence of childrens birthday parties.
Awkward Michael and Janine scene!
It turns out that Tiffany's secret love is Bobby... DUN DUN DUN!
Janine can't handle Michael and her being all family friendly.
Ian and Bianca warn their children off one another and then the ever toxic Sharon turns up and it seems her son is following in her footsteps by thieving one of Bobby's presents on his way out!
Tango Lola finds out they DID sort a party for Lexi... even though it's not her birthday and she'll be too young to remember it, making it all entirely pointless.
Lucy finds out Ian was telling porkies about wanting a party!
Shirley - having money problems as she does - decides the best thing to do is quit her job!
Lucy tells Ian - in essence - that he's dead to her... maybe if she ate something her mood would improve?
Alfie drops the marriage bombshell on Kat. She doesn't take it too well.
Thursday, 18 July 2013
Thursday 18th July 2013
Alfie is still playing coy about the divorce to Poxy's chagrin.
Ian's diabolical plan seems to have backfired as the caffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff and stall are both closed.
Kat seems shocked at the notion Jean could have a relationship.
Shirley starts picking a fight with Sharon... for some reason, despite not paying, Kim hasn't kicked her out... but then, she's an idiot.
Primo parent Max is unaware that his daughter has finished her exams and is also incapable of making her breakfast without making a big mess and having a bit of a tantrum.
Ian seems surprised his progeny aren't working after his underhanded tactics - something Denise informs him of - just as Carl indicates his desire for money, ever so politely.
Janine and Michael game playing! Can't they play Team Fortress 2? It would be more interesting.
It seems Denise has a plan to sort things out... which seems to involve getting Ian to change personality. Again.
Alfie makes his feelings for Kat clear when he offers to go and check out Jean's new love interest in Carl's stead... could the collapse of his relationship with Poxy BE anymore telegraphed?
Ian struggles on the stall and shows uncharacteristic spine by attempting to get King Phil to pay for an apple he takes... fortunately battle of the unattractive, obese middle aged men doesn't kick off as Denise drags him into the shop. Oh and he comes clean about the money he found. Needless to say, Denise is very skeptical about this very polite menacer - until Ian makes it clear not to get involved.
A little later, despite the advice - Denise asks Carl about how they can sort things out. For once, he's not quite so polite and shockingly, it seems that Denise has made things worse!
Alfie and The Bill's answer to Alan Titchmarsh talk and it turns out he's a divorcee and also thinks he and Kat are married. FORESHADOWING!
In case you're as stupid as the Crayon Crew, they have Ian say "you've made it worse!" when Denise fesses up to confronting Carl. The idea of telling the police is immediately dismissed (naturally) and then Denise suggests they come up with some idea to get rid of him... good grief, all you need to do is POISON HIM!
Awkward Alfie and Kat scene! Followed by some Kat and Alfie bonding with Tommy.
Denise goes to see Phil but he's being uninterested and uncaring... Fortunately, she knows that he has changes of heart more often than most people have heart beats. Also she appeals to his vanity.
Some inconsequential stuff between Peter and Lucy and Janine and Michael.
Phil's heart might be about to undergo a change when Jay gives Carl a thumbs up!
Kat and Alfie get to the inevitable - you'll never her like you love me part... let's not get too original with the dialogue!
Sharon and Shirley come to verbal blows again - Shirley describing the Kinder Egg abomination as a future Norman Bates, that might qualify as genuinely amusing... shame it's really more a commentary on the dismal level of writing, eh? - and it's down to Kim to decide who stays and who goes! DUN DUN DUN!
King Phil and Carl have a friendly chat in the Vic... Aww, it seems like Phil made a new friend!
Abi wants Max to go off and stay near Lauren... yes, go! GO! GO NOW!
Phil tells Ian that he should pay Carl back ASAP... no surprise there then.
Shirley leaves the B&B... how exactly was someone on a minimum wage affording life in a B&B anyway?
Oh, Alfie comes clean about the divorce being finalised - Poxy is still less than pleased.
Ohoh, Carl has come a politely menacing!
Max is leaving! Yes. Yes! YES! Fingers crossed for an off-screen death. Preferably of one of the hundreds of STIs he almost certainly has.
In a shocking turn of events - meaning one that isn't even slightly surprising - Carl decides ten grand isn't enough, it's fifteen now... he's onto a good thing, after all. JUST POISON HIM!
So, after having established that he clearly still has feelings for Kat what better thing for Alfie to do than... MARRY POXY! This can't possibly go wrong, says Alfie's sullen face as he hugs his likely-to-be-jilted-at-the-altar fiance.
Ian's diabolical plan seems to have backfired as the caffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff and stall are both closed.
Kat seems shocked at the notion Jean could have a relationship.
Shirley starts picking a fight with Sharon... for some reason, despite not paying, Kim hasn't kicked her out... but then, she's an idiot.
Primo parent Max is unaware that his daughter has finished her exams and is also incapable of making her breakfast without making a big mess and having a bit of a tantrum.
Ian seems surprised his progeny aren't working after his underhanded tactics - something Denise informs him of - just as Carl indicates his desire for money, ever so politely.
Janine and Michael game playing! Can't they play Team Fortress 2? It would be more interesting.
It seems Denise has a plan to sort things out... which seems to involve getting Ian to change personality. Again.
Alfie makes his feelings for Kat clear when he offers to go and check out Jean's new love interest in Carl's stead... could the collapse of his relationship with Poxy BE anymore telegraphed?
Ian struggles on the stall and shows uncharacteristic spine by attempting to get King Phil to pay for an apple he takes... fortunately battle of the unattractive, obese middle aged men doesn't kick off as Denise drags him into the shop. Oh and he comes clean about the money he found. Needless to say, Denise is very skeptical about this very polite menacer - until Ian makes it clear not to get involved.
A little later, despite the advice - Denise asks Carl about how they can sort things out. For once, he's not quite so polite and shockingly, it seems that Denise has made things worse!
Alfie and The Bill's answer to Alan Titchmarsh talk and it turns out he's a divorcee and also thinks he and Kat are married. FORESHADOWING!
In case you're as stupid as the Crayon Crew, they have Ian say "you've made it worse!" when Denise fesses up to confronting Carl. The idea of telling the police is immediately dismissed (naturally) and then Denise suggests they come up with some idea to get rid of him... good grief, all you need to do is POISON HIM!
Awkward Alfie and Kat scene! Followed by some Kat and Alfie bonding with Tommy.
Denise goes to see Phil but he's being uninterested and uncaring... Fortunately, she knows that he has changes of heart more often than most people have heart beats. Also she appeals to his vanity.
Some inconsequential stuff between Peter and Lucy and Janine and Michael.
Phil's heart might be about to undergo a change when Jay gives Carl a thumbs up!
Kat and Alfie get to the inevitable - you'll never her like you love me part... let's not get too original with the dialogue!
Sharon and Shirley come to verbal blows again - Shirley describing the Kinder Egg abomination as a future Norman Bates, that might qualify as genuinely amusing... shame it's really more a commentary on the dismal level of writing, eh? - and it's down to Kim to decide who stays and who goes! DUN DUN DUN!
King Phil and Carl have a friendly chat in the Vic... Aww, it seems like Phil made a new friend!
Abi wants Max to go off and stay near Lauren... yes, go! GO! GO NOW!
Phil tells Ian that he should pay Carl back ASAP... no surprise there then.
Shirley leaves the B&B... how exactly was someone on a minimum wage affording life in a B&B anyway?
Oh, Alfie comes clean about the divorce being finalised - Poxy is still less than pleased.
Ohoh, Carl has come a politely menacing!
Max is leaving! Yes. Yes! YES! Fingers crossed for an off-screen death. Preferably of one of the hundreds of STIs he almost certainly has.
In a shocking turn of events - meaning one that isn't even slightly surprising - Carl decides ten grand isn't enough, it's fifteen now... he's onto a good thing, after all. JUST POISON HIM!
So, after having established that he clearly still has feelings for Kat what better thing for Alfie to do than... MARRY POXY! This can't possibly go wrong, says Alfie's sullen face as he hugs his likely-to-be-jilted-at-the-altar fiance.
Tuesday, 16 July 2013
Tuesday 16th July 2013
Ian is in a good mood after having stolen his businesses back from Evil Lucy - who is still in a mood.
Poxy and Alfie are talking about the speed dating - which amazingly didn't happen the same day as it was decided and it seems that Alfie's decree absolute has arrived.
Just to make Ian's nastiness - because he has reverted to Old Ian - even more egregious, Lucy says thanks to him.
Kirstie is going speed dating - could she meet Carl there?!
Lucy seems to think that Ian selling up will solve everything - dohohoho!
Dot isn't overly keen on the speed dating but Alfie makes it awkward by mentioning Kat.
It seems Denise - having been the main supporter of Ian opening the restaurant - isn't at all surprised or bothered about Ian deciding to pack it in after about a week...
Shirley, Bianca and Jean discuss the speed dating - oh lawdy, it doesn't get much more horrifying.
Ian is being churlish in the kitchen, which is sufficient to make his SNATCH a knife from Peter and get himself cut... when we find out there IS a first aid kit there... seems like it might have been a good idea to use that when you had your hand burned, rather than running across the Square like an eejit.
Poxy is filled with the joys of divorce because she thinks the Walford equivalent of Romeo and Juliet can be broken up by something as simple as repeated infidelity. They really do need to get to the part where they both die though.
New head Bobby reappears for a few brief seconds... Denise finally gets to thinking that selling up is a bad idea. She then tries to work some mind games on Evil Lucy but who cares?
To make the speed dating even less suitable for humans, it appears Kim is going too and both Shirley and Kim seem as giddy as schoolgirls... really?
AJ tries to lure Tamwar to the speed dating - except Tamwar seems to realise it's going to be the usual gutter sluts that you wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Why is everyone so excited about it?
Oh, look! Jean's allotment pal is at the speed dating. Oh, lawks - this is painful... We have to see the attempts of the Crayon Crew to write comedy. Which are awful.
Ian apologises to Twitney, who turns up chewing gum with earrings so big and hoopy they could fit around her waist.
MORE SPEED DATING!
Evil Lucy makes Ian more guilty about his actions (quelle surprise) by saying they'll find another way to pay off Carl.
Speaking of Carl, in a twist no one could see coming - he's at the speed dating and talking to Kirstie! Oh and she strops off. Another shocking surprise.
And here we go, the coup d'etat - Lucy decides to give Ian the money!
The speed dating is over - thank expletive for that... but Jean and Mr. The Bill are getting along quite well. Oh wait, it's not... it was just a break.Will it never end? Here comes Dot!
Max pre-empts the typical Eastenders drama cycle of Kirstie and him having the same exact conversation over and over again... and apparently Kirstie has now said her piece... Unlikely.
Lucy finds out she doesn't have any money! Even though it's extremely unlikely the businesses could have been entirely transferred in this timeframe.
Shirley is drunk and something about wages or benefits... basically, an incoherent anti-government rant - as if she's owed a living. She asks where it all went wrong... it was never going right.
Lucy reveals to Ian she knows! DUN DUN DUN!
Awkward flirting between Alfie and Poxy and he doesn't come clean about the divorce.
Everyone seems shocked that the conniving, spineless weasel that is Ian Beale has stolen back his businesses... and to be fair, he has a point - those were his businesses and Lucy did steal them from him... she might be feigning good intentions now but it doesn't exactly ring true.
Poxy and Alfie are talking about the speed dating - which amazingly didn't happen the same day as it was decided and it seems that Alfie's decree absolute has arrived.
Just to make Ian's nastiness - because he has reverted to Old Ian - even more egregious, Lucy says thanks to him.
Kirstie is going speed dating - could she meet Carl there?!
Lucy seems to think that Ian selling up will solve everything - dohohoho!
Dot isn't overly keen on the speed dating but Alfie makes it awkward by mentioning Kat.
It seems Denise - having been the main supporter of Ian opening the restaurant - isn't at all surprised or bothered about Ian deciding to pack it in after about a week...
Shirley, Bianca and Jean discuss the speed dating - oh lawdy, it doesn't get much more horrifying.
Ian is being churlish in the kitchen, which is sufficient to make his SNATCH a knife from Peter and get himself cut... when we find out there IS a first aid kit there... seems like it might have been a good idea to use that when you had your hand burned, rather than running across the Square like an eejit.
Poxy is filled with the joys of divorce because she thinks the Walford equivalent of Romeo and Juliet can be broken up by something as simple as repeated infidelity. They really do need to get to the part where they both die though.
New head Bobby reappears for a few brief seconds... Denise finally gets to thinking that selling up is a bad idea. She then tries to work some mind games on Evil Lucy but who cares?
To make the speed dating even less suitable for humans, it appears Kim is going too and both Shirley and Kim seem as giddy as schoolgirls... really?
AJ tries to lure Tamwar to the speed dating - except Tamwar seems to realise it's going to be the usual gutter sluts that you wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Why is everyone so excited about it?
Oh, look! Jean's allotment pal is at the speed dating. Oh, lawks - this is painful... We have to see the attempts of the Crayon Crew to write comedy. Which are awful.
Ian apologises to Twitney, who turns up chewing gum with earrings so big and hoopy they could fit around her waist.
MORE SPEED DATING!
Evil Lucy makes Ian more guilty about his actions (quelle surprise) by saying they'll find another way to pay off Carl.
Speaking of Carl, in a twist no one could see coming - he's at the speed dating and talking to Kirstie! Oh and she strops off. Another shocking surprise.
And here we go, the coup d'etat - Lucy decides to give Ian the money!
The speed dating is over - thank expletive for that... but Jean and Mr. The Bill are getting along quite well. Oh wait, it's not... it was just a break.Will it never end? Here comes Dot!
Max pre-empts the typical Eastenders drama cycle of Kirstie and him having the same exact conversation over and over again... and apparently Kirstie has now said her piece... Unlikely.
Lucy finds out she doesn't have any money! Even though it's extremely unlikely the businesses could have been entirely transferred in this timeframe.
Shirley is drunk and something about wages or benefits... basically, an incoherent anti-government rant - as if she's owed a living. She asks where it all went wrong... it was never going right.
Lucy reveals to Ian she knows! DUN DUN DUN!
Awkward flirting between Alfie and Poxy and he doesn't come clean about the divorce.
Everyone seems shocked that the conniving, spineless weasel that is Ian Beale has stolen back his businesses... and to be fair, he has a point - those were his businesses and Lucy did steal them from him... she might be feigning good intentions now but it doesn't exactly ring true.
Monday, 15 July 2013
Monday 15th July 2013
Ian walks in on the ever so polite Carl talking to Peter and some more well mannered menacing occurs.
Dot seems very excited about reaping the rewards of her charity drive - meaning it has probably failed horribly.
Kirstie is still asking Abi to talk to Max for her - jeez, change the record. She's so embarrassingly desperate, even Kat tells her to lay off.
About thirty seconds is all it take for Evil Lucy to talk Ian into selling up his share of the restaurant... so much for that dream.
Patrick is still unable to break it off with boring Bettt... seriously?
Despite having meekly accepted his marching orders from Evil Lucy, Ian seems less than happy about the prospect of selling up when talking to Peter about it.
Abi moans to Max about being stuck between him and Kirstie - who can blame her?
Cora is less than impressed by Patrick's inability to break up with Betty and it seems that irritates Patrick no end.
Peter tries to woo Jean back to the restaurant, which causes Jean to go a bit bonkers in front of Poxy and Alfied.
Cora and Dexter discuss how she and Patrick aren't together... yawn.
Jean continues to be bonkers, this time to Kat.
Joey tries to trash talk Ian but he manages to demonstrate some backbone! Shocking.
Jean is allowed to run off to be mental elsewhere thanks to Kat's intervention and we see some chemistry between Kat and Alfie... before she walks back into the front of the Vic and Carl decides to hit on her.
Patrick gets the offer of help with women from Dexter - which is met with suitable derision.
A courier arrives at the Beale house with a brown envelope. DUN DUN DUN!
Jean tries to get away from it all by going to the allotment but the irritating chap from last time is there and that is apparently very upsetting to her.
Back with Ian, he assures Peter that he is going to "put everything right". Dun dun dun?
Kirstie warns Kat off Carl because he's not like other men... what the devil does that mean?
Joey takes a girl into the caffffffffffffffff and Evil Lucy has a bit of a cry. This is apparently part of Joey's master plan to find out if what Ian said earlier was right.
Operation Break Up goes ahead as if Patrick was an awkward and inexperienced teen but finally, he manages to tell her it's all over.
Jean emerges from the hut in the allotment to find that her plot has been hoed.
Evil Lucy runs home for moral support from her papa.
The tedious Dot fundraiser subplot chunters along. Which leads to speed dating in the Vic - just in time for a quip about Patrick and Cora getting together.
Carl puts the moves on Kirstie again but she rejects him, just before receiving a remonstration from Max about using Abi.
Ian comforts Evil Lucy before none too subtly getting her to sign what he claims to be the insurance for the chippy... Oh and with two whole signatures, signatures - Ian has all his businesses back... because this (much like Ian signing them away while a gibbering wreck) would TOTALLY stand up in court. In fact, these are the kind of things you can do in a lunch break - they're not tedious and time consuming processes at all!
Dot seems very excited about reaping the rewards of her charity drive - meaning it has probably failed horribly.
Kirstie is still asking Abi to talk to Max for her - jeez, change the record. She's so embarrassingly desperate, even Kat tells her to lay off.
About thirty seconds is all it take for Evil Lucy to talk Ian into selling up his share of the restaurant... so much for that dream.
Patrick is still unable to break it off with boring Bettt... seriously?
Despite having meekly accepted his marching orders from Evil Lucy, Ian seems less than happy about the prospect of selling up when talking to Peter about it.
Abi moans to Max about being stuck between him and Kirstie - who can blame her?
Cora is less than impressed by Patrick's inability to break up with Betty and it seems that irritates Patrick no end.
Peter tries to woo Jean back to the restaurant, which causes Jean to go a bit bonkers in front of Poxy and Alfied.
Cora and Dexter discuss how she and Patrick aren't together... yawn.
Jean continues to be bonkers, this time to Kat.
Joey tries to trash talk Ian but he manages to demonstrate some backbone! Shocking.
Jean is allowed to run off to be mental elsewhere thanks to Kat's intervention and we see some chemistry between Kat and Alfie... before she walks back into the front of the Vic and Carl decides to hit on her.
Patrick gets the offer of help with women from Dexter - which is met with suitable derision.
A courier arrives at the Beale house with a brown envelope. DUN DUN DUN!
Jean tries to get away from it all by going to the allotment but the irritating chap from last time is there and that is apparently very upsetting to her.
Back with Ian, he assures Peter that he is going to "put everything right". Dun dun dun?
Kirstie warns Kat off Carl because he's not like other men... what the devil does that mean?
Joey takes a girl into the caffffffffffffffff and Evil Lucy has a bit of a cry. This is apparently part of Joey's master plan to find out if what Ian said earlier was right.
Operation Break Up goes ahead as if Patrick was an awkward and inexperienced teen but finally, he manages to tell her it's all over.
Jean emerges from the hut in the allotment to find that her plot has been hoed.
Evil Lucy runs home for moral support from her papa.
The tedious Dot fundraiser subplot chunters along. Which leads to speed dating in the Vic - just in time for a quip about Patrick and Cora getting together.
Carl puts the moves on Kirstie again but she rejects him, just before receiving a remonstration from Max about using Abi.
Ian comforts Evil Lucy before none too subtly getting her to sign what he claims to be the insurance for the chippy... Oh and with two whole signatures, signatures - Ian has all his businesses back... because this (much like Ian signing them away while a gibbering wreck) would TOTALLY stand up in court. In fact, these are the kind of things you can do in a lunch break - they're not tedious and time consuming processes at all!
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