Phil is treasuring a picture of him and Sharon when Sharon bursts in.
Jacknocchio gives Joey a rollocking for the debacle last night and then calls Max.
King Phil is interrogated by Sharon about what he and Jack discussed last night. He isn't forthcoming - except about how he thinks Jack uses a lot of product on his hair. Oh and Sharon will never forgive him if he ruins things...
Max has to explain to Kirstie that no one really likes her... also that Jacknocchio has nerves because he's about to make the biggest mistake of his life - even bigger than converting to Islam in September of 2001.
Sharon goes to the cafffffffff, even though it's her wedding day... oh and she finds her son. Amazing she even remembers what he looks like! Sharon's phone "must be switched off", is that... A PLOT POINT!?
Ian seems to be channelling his old personality as he's dismissive of Jean - although Jean did refer to herself as a lunatic...
Tanya has taken on the impossible task of making Sharon looking presentable. President Obama may well have used an analogy about lipstick on a domesticated ungulate not changing its species and it seems fairly fitting here for a professional Miss Piggy impersonator.
Poxy has found her daughter. Her mute daughter. Alfie doesn't question why she'd be taking her over to Jack's... when Jack has the small matter of GETTING MARRIED. Or is this another game of pass the parcel? Who cares, he just comes in to draw out Jack telling Count Moonula and Max that King Phil knows he saw Ronnie.
Sharon tries to grill Pointless Poppy but that's a lot like trying to bail out a boat with a sieve. Oh and turns out that one of the disadvantages of having your wedding arranged about a week in advance is that people think you couldn't possibly be that stupid and think you wanted at least another week... so it's down to Lauren to decorate the club... because of course you'd have a wedding in the club.
Jack gets a call from Sharon to... meet in the playground... it's supposed to be dramatic but the awe inspiring idiocy kind of detracts from any drama there might be and there isn't any because ideally, this would play out more like an episode of Casualty with Sharon being crushed under a see-saw because that's the only thing anyone should really want to happen to this holocaustically horrible character.
Shirley is the waiting staff for the wedding reception. DOHOHO! Ian isn't too pleased.
Bianca's selfishness continues with another "WAHHHHHH! ME! ME! ME!" and she shows absolutely no contrition when her mother almost immediately tells her she's going to call it off. You're no Sharon yet, Bianca... you'd really have to up your game to get there.
The dramatic meeting in the playground is... JUST SHARON ASKING JACK IF HE LOVES HER! DUN DUN DUN! This upsets King Phil's as his plans to derail the wedding have clearly gone awry!
Lauren recruits the help of The Lips Kirstie to decorate the club.
Jack is all smiles and sunshine now - the power of self-delusion and scotch. As is Sharon.
Even Lola tells King Phil not to try and talk Sharon out of her marriage. That doesn't help though.
Poxy laments her inability to tell Saint Alfie Ronnie is getting out of prison and Jacknocchio says he's not settling for Sharon... THERE'S STILL TIME, MAN! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Ian has ruined the wedding spread and must now woo Jean and Shirley.
Oh dear... it seems as if someone hasn't told Sharon she's mutton and her outfit is really more lamb but to thankfully distract from that, there looms King Phil!
Lauren and The Lips (in her Freddie Krueger hat) have somehow decorated the club in about fifteen minutes and Lauren twigs that The Lips is preggers.
It would appear the mighty King Phil has bottled it and just says congratulations to Sharon. Then Tanya tells Sharon she shouldn't marry Jack just to prove a point... someone really ought to have had that talk with Jack.
As Sharon stands next to Jack at the "altar", he says the most sensible thing he's said since this travesty began... that he can't marry her. A VICTORY FOR COMMON SENSE!
Thursday, 11 April 2013
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Tuesday 9th April 2013
Joey returns to the Vic, unaware of his failure and is congratulated by the assembled idiots - except Ian who seems to have had a relapse into mental infirmity... hopefully they'll flash up a helpline number at the end of the episode.Poxy then asks where Jack is, only to be met by howls of laughter.
The hen party rolls into the club - apparently they hadn't planned to go to the club... so, what? Another simultaneous stag/hen do in the ghost town Vic? The staff seem utterly baffled at the appearance of the hen party... which would make sense if not for the fact that this place is normally packed on Mondays! Oh and Tanya demands everyone hand over their mobiles - was that a plot point clunking onto the ground?
Phil and Jack are still trapped in the office and obviously the only person Jack can think to call is his brother. Also, still no word on why exactly this office needs to be able to lock people inside.
Probation Officer Perv is on his way but Misery Guts Carol is looking - you guessed it! - miserable. Apparently she's not going to let Bianca stop her and POP seeing one another though... now all we need to do is find out that he's married.
Bianca is having a panic attack because she saw her mother kissing someone. Kat is on hand to tell her to blow into a plastic bag... Has Kat become a simpleton as well? Or is she just suggesting Bianca asphyxiate herself? You go to some dark places, Crayon Crew.
Ian is insisting he could have kept quiet and then brings up the rather salient point of criminal law, about holding someone against his will, endangering his wedding, the potential for accidents and so on. To which the response is "'E's ON 'IS STAG!"
Phil has a whole THREE people to call - none of whom are answering... not that Jack has much to boast about and apparently they can't call the police because... y'know, King Phil is King Phil and perhaps more saliently - they're both idiots. To which Jacknocchio announces they'll have to call Sharon! DUN DUN DUN!
There's some squabbling between Lauren and Lucy and really, one has to wonder why Lucy would snipe at Lauren for things Joey said. Although, it's impossible to tell whether they're friends or enemies at any given moment, so who knows.
Max can't help his bruv because he's getting grilled by Kirstie. It has apparently taken him a while to get around to using his silver tongued grunts to win his way back into her affections.
Detective Jacknocchio finally puts the crime of the century together. "JOEY! J'ACCUSE!" He cries before using his foot to kick through the paper thin balsa wood door... Actually, you'd think a police officer would have experience kicking down doors and King Phil has a black belt in unaided demolition. Oh and showing the high levels of idiocy, Jacknocchio doesn't take a call from Ronnie.
Everyone seems to think that it's time to check on Jacknocchio and the stripper (King Phil a stripper - thanks for the mental image, Crayon Crew) but Lauren appears to accuse Joey of philandering but also mentions the hen party at the club... Causing everyone to get worried! Which apparently requires Max? But no dice as he's still having the serious conversation with The Lips.
More Phil/Jack banter. Who cares?
Bianca/Misery Guts squabble. Who cares?
The stags decide the best thing to do is trying to get the hens out - which won't arouse suspicion at all! They've also forgotten that Joey has the keys - because they're idiots. Then they notice the stripper is still loitering in the club.
King Phil brings up the baby swap... ill advised. The less said of that, the better. Also, Jack seems to be trying to prove himself to King Phil (even though he earlier questioned why he should feel the need and rightly so). Perhaps we're getting some Biblical parallels with God trying to impress Satan by messing with Job?
Dexter Fletcher goes to talk to the stripper "Siren", while Alfie tries to buy off the hens with £65... wow, that's a lot of money to throw at this kind of problem. For some reason, Sharon's plot relevance sense starts to tingle and she says "SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT!" At which point, the stripper removes her coat to reveal a fetching hot pink number that doesn't really look particularly conducive to stripping.
Kirstie whispers some lines to show us THIS IS DRAMATIC! Eh, makes a change from lines being sobbed or screamed/screeched/barked but who cares, this is going to drag on.
Bianca's reason for not wanting Carol to date Probation Officer Perv - as it turns out - is PURELY selfish.
Presumably trying to dissuade Kirstie from wanting a baby, Max reminds her that it will look like them. A truly horrifying notion. Oh and Max wants her to keep the baby... but this will drag on, given that he mentions telling the girls.
Back to the King Phil/Jacknocchio and thankfully, the tedious back and forth is broken up by some fisticuffs.
As it turns out, all of Walford has simultaneously discerned that Jack is locked in the office and then Billy Idiot turns up to tell them Phil is in there too... oh and NO ONE HAS KEYS. Well, Joey has keys but the minute it would take for him to get them from the Vic is too long to wait and so Alfie has to kick the door down!
Just as Phil and Jack are having a play fight with each other. Phil gets the phone away from Jack and plays the message from Ronnie and wouldn't you know it, he went to see her and then, spills his guts about it. Jack tries to convince Phil not to tell Sharon but before Phil can say yay or nay, the door is FINALLY broken down by Joey... after all that time and effort, it really seems as if the more sensible option would have been to actually GET the keys.
Will Phil reveal Jack's secret? Won't he? Perhaps most importantly of all, does ANYONE really care anymore?
The hen party rolls into the club - apparently they hadn't planned to go to the club... so, what? Another simultaneous stag/hen do in the ghost town Vic? The staff seem utterly baffled at the appearance of the hen party... which would make sense if not for the fact that this place is normally packed on Mondays! Oh and Tanya demands everyone hand over their mobiles - was that a plot point clunking onto the ground?
Phil and Jack are still trapped in the office and obviously the only person Jack can think to call is his brother. Also, still no word on why exactly this office needs to be able to lock people inside.
Probation Officer Perv is on his way but Misery Guts Carol is looking - you guessed it! - miserable. Apparently she's not going to let Bianca stop her and POP seeing one another though... now all we need to do is find out that he's married.
Bianca is having a panic attack because she saw her mother kissing someone. Kat is on hand to tell her to blow into a plastic bag... Has Kat become a simpleton as well? Or is she just suggesting Bianca asphyxiate herself? You go to some dark places, Crayon Crew.
Ian is insisting he could have kept quiet and then brings up the rather salient point of criminal law, about holding someone against his will, endangering his wedding, the potential for accidents and so on. To which the response is "'E's ON 'IS STAG!"
Phil has a whole THREE people to call - none of whom are answering... not that Jack has much to boast about and apparently they can't call the police because... y'know, King Phil is King Phil and perhaps more saliently - they're both idiots. To which Jacknocchio announces they'll have to call Sharon! DUN DUN DUN!
There's some squabbling between Lauren and Lucy and really, one has to wonder why Lucy would snipe at Lauren for things Joey said. Although, it's impossible to tell whether they're friends or enemies at any given moment, so who knows.
Max can't help his bruv because he's getting grilled by Kirstie. It has apparently taken him a while to get around to using his silver tongued grunts to win his way back into her affections.
Detective Jacknocchio finally puts the crime of the century together. "JOEY! J'ACCUSE!" He cries before using his foot to kick through the paper thin balsa wood door... Actually, you'd think a police officer would have experience kicking down doors and King Phil has a black belt in unaided demolition. Oh and showing the high levels of idiocy, Jacknocchio doesn't take a call from Ronnie.
Everyone seems to think that it's time to check on Jacknocchio and the stripper (King Phil a stripper - thanks for the mental image, Crayon Crew) but Lauren appears to accuse Joey of philandering but also mentions the hen party at the club... Causing everyone to get worried! Which apparently requires Max? But no dice as he's still having the serious conversation with The Lips.
More Phil/Jack banter. Who cares?
Bianca/Misery Guts squabble. Who cares?
The stags decide the best thing to do is trying to get the hens out - which won't arouse suspicion at all! They've also forgotten that Joey has the keys - because they're idiots. Then they notice the stripper is still loitering in the club.
King Phil brings up the baby swap... ill advised. The less said of that, the better. Also, Jack seems to be trying to prove himself to King Phil (even though he earlier questioned why he should feel the need and rightly so). Perhaps we're getting some Biblical parallels with God trying to impress Satan by messing with Job?
Dexter Fletcher goes to talk to the stripper "Siren", while Alfie tries to buy off the hens with £65... wow, that's a lot of money to throw at this kind of problem. For some reason, Sharon's plot relevance sense starts to tingle and she says "SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT!" At which point, the stripper removes her coat to reveal a fetching hot pink number that doesn't really look particularly conducive to stripping.
Kirstie whispers some lines to show us THIS IS DRAMATIC! Eh, makes a change from lines being sobbed or screamed/screeched/barked but who cares, this is going to drag on.
Bianca's reason for not wanting Carol to date Probation Officer Perv - as it turns out - is PURELY selfish.
Presumably trying to dissuade Kirstie from wanting a baby, Max reminds her that it will look like them. A truly horrifying notion. Oh and Max wants her to keep the baby... but this will drag on, given that he mentions telling the girls.
Back to the King Phil/Jacknocchio and thankfully, the tedious back and forth is broken up by some fisticuffs.
As it turns out, all of Walford has simultaneously discerned that Jack is locked in the office and then Billy Idiot turns up to tell them Phil is in there too... oh and NO ONE HAS KEYS. Well, Joey has keys but the minute it would take for him to get them from the Vic is too long to wait and so Alfie has to kick the door down!
Just as Phil and Jack are having a play fight with each other. Phil gets the phone away from Jack and plays the message from Ronnie and wouldn't you know it, he went to see her and then, spills his guts about it. Jack tries to convince Phil not to tell Sharon but before Phil can say yay or nay, the door is FINALLY broken down by Joey... after all that time and effort, it really seems as if the more sensible option would have been to actually GET the keys.
Will Phil reveal Jack's secret? Won't he? Perhaps most importantly of all, does ANYONE really care anymore?
Monday, 8 April 2013
Monday 8th April 2013
It looks as if Jack is realising he's getting married to a professional Miss Piggy impersonator and as if that isn't bad enough, Billy Idiot talks to him. Out of the frying pan... Oh and it's his stag do. On a Monday BECAUSE MONDAY NIGHT IS PARTY NIGHT! WOO!
For some reason Ian has been invited on the stag do... eh, they need to pad numbers given the fact no one on the Square has more than one friend.
King Phil is apparently somewhat displeased at the imminent nuptials, as he's taking it out on Dexter Fletcher and Jay - who are ALSO invited to the party.
Jacknocchio is having a "quiet" stag do. Or so he thinks! He looks as if he's about to throw up after kissing his wife-to-be... a perfectly understandable reaction. What a joke the line-up for the stag party is... Jay, Arfuuuuuuur, the barely in the show anymore (thank goodness for small mercies!) Goony, Count Moonula, Max, Ian and Joey... wow. Just wow. Forget cold feet, if your stag party has a line-up like that you're better making sure you've got the number for the Samaritans.
Oh and we've ALSO got the hen night happening on the same night... does everyone sign some kind of social contract when they enter Walford? Major functions only to be held at the Vic or club, hen nights and stag dos to be co-ordinated to be on the same day (preferably a Monday to add to the GRITTY REALISM!) Naturally, it's another line-up that would have you locking away sharp objects and reaching for a bottle to fall into.
King Phil's antagonism continues with him pointedly saying that Jack "ain't married yet" and of course, Jack is keeping what he did a secret... DUN DUN DUN! He doesn't even tell Max. Wow, that's actually... sensible.
Ohoh, there's a sign of the imminent apocalypse. Misery Guts Carol all dressed up and looking decidedly unmiserable. We'll see how long that lasts.
And apparently intent on mischief, King Phil goes to see Sharon... and it appears the Crayon Crew are trying to fit in the term "last night of freedom" as many times as humanly possible into one episode!
Jack looks about as happy as someone who managed to drop their ice cream, get a paper cut, lose their life savings and find out they've got pancreatic cancer in under a minute. To be fair, that's pretty much the kind of reaction most people would have when they realise they're less than twenty four hours away from marrying Sharon.
King Phil lingers at Sharon's place because this episode needs to be padded.
Jack continues to be irritable at the Vic as everyone else is carrying on as if drinking during the middle of a Monday is the most ordinary thing in the world. Oh and Joey is getting on Jack's nerves... wow, could it be that Joey is evolving into a one dimensional character?!
It seems as if Tanya thinks Sharon is about five years old as she insists that everyone hide... it's a hen night (or afternoon, hell it might even be morning)! Oh and Bianca is surprised to hear Ian and Denise have hooked up... eh, the fact people only ever talk to ONE friend makes it a miracle there's any gossip in Albert Square these days.
Finally, Phil gets around to telling Sharon she can't stand the idea of him being with another woman before forcing a kiss on her. SEXUAL ASSAULT! A key step in any Eastenders romance apparently because after the mandatory slap, she kisses him back... and then because Phil was born in a barn, Tanya is able to wander in through the open door and ask whether everything is OK.
Jack continues to be a grump, putting the kibosh on the strip club and then ripping into Joey - which has the side effect of getting Joey to leave. Ace.
Billy Idiot really is a good example of the Dunning-Kruger effect in action, as he goes to see Phil to ask if he wants a curry... King Phil's response is he'd rather drive to the coast and walk into the sea than face a world in which Billy Idiot's company was something he needed... at least some things never change.
Joey's bold defence of what he said is that ANY man would take the chance to cheat on their partner! Which Lucy overhears. She's suitably impressed... and really, her consternation is quite at odds with Sharon's obvious arousal (shudder) when earlier sexually assaulted by Phil... Anyway, he tells Dexter Fletcher they need to "do over" Jack. Which Dexter Fletcher is reluctant about... for about a second.
The terrifying prospect of Denise and Ian's love life is raised... but fortunately, Bianca spotting Probation Officer Perv distracts from that... which is why Misery Guts was all dolled up... and apparently POP thinks the best way to woo a woman is CONSTANTLY talking about the fact that you've both got a dead child. Eh, still better the kind of lessons Sharon is teaching any misguided girls that are watching this... but then this show does like to go out of its way to set back women's rights.
It turns out the now one dimensional Joey has stumbled onto a master plan - locking Jack and a stripper in a room. Which is aided by Max getting dragged off by an irate Kirsty. DA YOUFFFFFF then try and decide on a stripper... are they aware there's a difference between a stripper and a whore? Apparently not and Poxy needs to talk to Jack!
NIGHT HAS FALLEN! Walford just can't afford a dimmer switch, daylight just goes on and off. Which is why it's darker than midnight when Bianca marches over to her house (presumably hours after having seen Probation Officer Perv), inexplicably thinking that he's talking to his mother when she has been expressly told that he has been reassigned at his own request and she walks in on her mother mid-kiss. If you didn't see that coming, you're legally blind.
Poor Billy Idiot - you know you're stupid when one of the Goony brother's feels he is sufficiently superior to you in intellect that he can impugn your wits. He sees DA YOUFF, acting suspiciously and works out they're going to get Jack but they outwit him by telling him to stand by the swings!
Sharon is thinking a lot about the text message from King Phil... and it's just really hard to care about anything other than her meeting a slow, agonising demise. Now, if that was a storyline - that would be worth watching! Possibly in some kind of Saw type scenario?
For once, the club is not a thriving hot spot of activity... which makes it seem even more embarrassingly lame than a pre-teen disco. Turning the music on makes Jack go into the office to tell Max where they are... and apparently three mute members of staff at the club are onboard with the criminal offence of holding someone against their will - to the point they just nod and smile when Joey asks them to not open the door even if it's clear they want out. GRITTY REALISM!
The stripper arrives - and why exactly did it require three people to stand suspiciously outside the club to check for the stripper? - and the "plan" is set in motion but as Joey is barely able to spell his own name, it should come as no surprise that his monstrous stupidity leads to him locking Phil and Jack in, rather than Jack and the stripper/whore.
OH THE HILARITY! If only Jack was getting married to the manager or Phil was her employer. If only they could somehow contact her instantly using some means of wireless communication! If only doors in Eastenders had less resilience than balsa wood!
For some reason Ian has been invited on the stag do... eh, they need to pad numbers given the fact no one on the Square has more than one friend.
King Phil is apparently somewhat displeased at the imminent nuptials, as he's taking it out on Dexter Fletcher and Jay - who are ALSO invited to the party.
Jacknocchio is having a "quiet" stag do. Or so he thinks! He looks as if he's about to throw up after kissing his wife-to-be... a perfectly understandable reaction. What a joke the line-up for the stag party is... Jay, Arfuuuuuuur, the barely in the show anymore (thank goodness for small mercies!) Goony, Count Moonula, Max, Ian and Joey... wow. Just wow. Forget cold feet, if your stag party has a line-up like that you're better making sure you've got the number for the Samaritans.
Oh and we've ALSO got the hen night happening on the same night... does everyone sign some kind of social contract when they enter Walford? Major functions only to be held at the Vic or club, hen nights and stag dos to be co-ordinated to be on the same day (preferably a Monday to add to the GRITTY REALISM!) Naturally, it's another line-up that would have you locking away sharp objects and reaching for a bottle to fall into.
King Phil's antagonism continues with him pointedly saying that Jack "ain't married yet" and of course, Jack is keeping what he did a secret... DUN DUN DUN! He doesn't even tell Max. Wow, that's actually... sensible.
Ohoh, there's a sign of the imminent apocalypse. Misery Guts Carol all dressed up and looking decidedly unmiserable. We'll see how long that lasts.
And apparently intent on mischief, King Phil goes to see Sharon... and it appears the Crayon Crew are trying to fit in the term "last night of freedom" as many times as humanly possible into one episode!
Jack looks about as happy as someone who managed to drop their ice cream, get a paper cut, lose their life savings and find out they've got pancreatic cancer in under a minute. To be fair, that's pretty much the kind of reaction most people would have when they realise they're less than twenty four hours away from marrying Sharon.
King Phil lingers at Sharon's place because this episode needs to be padded.
Jack continues to be irritable at the Vic as everyone else is carrying on as if drinking during the middle of a Monday is the most ordinary thing in the world. Oh and Joey is getting on Jack's nerves... wow, could it be that Joey is evolving into a one dimensional character?!
It seems as if Tanya thinks Sharon is about five years old as she insists that everyone hide... it's a hen night (or afternoon, hell it might even be morning)! Oh and Bianca is surprised to hear Ian and Denise have hooked up... eh, the fact people only ever talk to ONE friend makes it a miracle there's any gossip in Albert Square these days.
Finally, Phil gets around to telling Sharon she can't stand the idea of him being with another woman before forcing a kiss on her. SEXUAL ASSAULT! A key step in any Eastenders romance apparently because after the mandatory slap, she kisses him back... and then because Phil was born in a barn, Tanya is able to wander in through the open door and ask whether everything is OK.
Jack continues to be a grump, putting the kibosh on the strip club and then ripping into Joey - which has the side effect of getting Joey to leave. Ace.
Billy Idiot really is a good example of the Dunning-Kruger effect in action, as he goes to see Phil to ask if he wants a curry... King Phil's response is he'd rather drive to the coast and walk into the sea than face a world in which Billy Idiot's company was something he needed... at least some things never change.
Joey's bold defence of what he said is that ANY man would take the chance to cheat on their partner! Which Lucy overhears. She's suitably impressed... and really, her consternation is quite at odds with Sharon's obvious arousal (shudder) when earlier sexually assaulted by Phil... Anyway, he tells Dexter Fletcher they need to "do over" Jack. Which Dexter Fletcher is reluctant about... for about a second.
The terrifying prospect of Denise and Ian's love life is raised... but fortunately, Bianca spotting Probation Officer Perv distracts from that... which is why Misery Guts was all dolled up... and apparently POP thinks the best way to woo a woman is CONSTANTLY talking about the fact that you've both got a dead child. Eh, still better the kind of lessons Sharon is teaching any misguided girls that are watching this... but then this show does like to go out of its way to set back women's rights.
It turns out the now one dimensional Joey has stumbled onto a master plan - locking Jack and a stripper in a room. Which is aided by Max getting dragged off by an irate Kirsty. DA YOUFFFFFF then try and decide on a stripper... are they aware there's a difference between a stripper and a whore? Apparently not and Poxy needs to talk to Jack!
NIGHT HAS FALLEN! Walford just can't afford a dimmer switch, daylight just goes on and off. Which is why it's darker than midnight when Bianca marches over to her house (presumably hours after having seen Probation Officer Perv), inexplicably thinking that he's talking to his mother when she has been expressly told that he has been reassigned at his own request and she walks in on her mother mid-kiss. If you didn't see that coming, you're legally blind.
Poor Billy Idiot - you know you're stupid when one of the Goony brother's feels he is sufficiently superior to you in intellect that he can impugn your wits. He sees DA YOUFF, acting suspiciously and works out they're going to get Jack but they outwit him by telling him to stand by the swings!
Sharon is thinking a lot about the text message from King Phil... and it's just really hard to care about anything other than her meeting a slow, agonising demise. Now, if that was a storyline - that would be worth watching! Possibly in some kind of Saw type scenario?
For once, the club is not a thriving hot spot of activity... which makes it seem even more embarrassingly lame than a pre-teen disco. Turning the music on makes Jack go into the office to tell Max where they are... and apparently three mute members of staff at the club are onboard with the criminal offence of holding someone against their will - to the point they just nod and smile when Joey asks them to not open the door even if it's clear they want out. GRITTY REALISM!
The stripper arrives - and why exactly did it require three people to stand suspiciously outside the club to check for the stripper? - and the "plan" is set in motion but as Joey is barely able to spell his own name, it should come as no surprise that his monstrous stupidity leads to him locking Phil and Jack in, rather than Jack and the stripper/whore.
OH THE HILARITY! If only Jack was getting married to the manager or Phil was her employer. If only they could somehow contact her instantly using some means of wireless communication! If only doors in Eastenders had less resilience than balsa wood!
Friday, 5 April 2013
Friday 5th April 2013
Max is pouting in the B&B when Tanya asks what's wrong. Kim's cooking!
Liam is home!
Ava settles on the first she sees and then for her trouble Billy Idiot starts sleazing on her... he doesn't even know what carpe diem means.
Misery Guts Carol tries to cheer up the glum - but surprisingly well - Liam but he's having none of it.
Kirstie The Lips (wearing her Freddie Kreuger hat - possibly to stop her looking such a state) is not best pleased to find that Max has helped Ava get a flat before they're settled.
Jacknocchio is still on edge... Sharon showing that much skin is probably the reason though. It... does things. Terrible things.
Billy Idiot decides to impress Ava.
Max is going to be Jacknocchio's witness and best man! How exciting. Oh dear, turns out Max and Tanya have both been asked to be a witness at the wedding! Why the hell are they worried about that?
Kat and Kim discuss the meeting between Kat and Count Moonula for maintenance - yawn.
The Lips winds up Tanya by telling her she's moving into a flat - let's hope Max doesn't fall through on that! Oh dear, seems like Tanya immediately ran over to talk to Max! A tedious conversation then ensues with Tanya making it clear how displeased with this development but then rather childishly says she isn't. Max just sighs. Who can blame him?
Twitney gives Liam a heart-to-heart that seems to get through to him.
Looks like The Lips is getting her hopes up about Max getting that one flat.
Count Moonula is playing games with Kat's heart but they apparently both just want to discuss how things need to go.
Liam has disappeared but he's just offering his bedding to Ava to show that stabbings can radically alter people's personalities. Oh and The Lips has packed her bags... and for some reason assumes that even if Max had put down the deposit, they'd be moving in immediately. Even the incredibly stupid Kim points out the folly in assuming this is a certainty but then Max comes along and then after a suspiciously long pause says yes, he did.
More painful dialogue between Count Moonula and Kat.
Turns out Billy Idiot got the flat and as that's the only flat there is, The Lips is having a cry. It also turns out Tanya gave Billy Idiot the money - Ava is not best pleased at being a pawn. This doesn't explain why Max lied to Kirstie and they have a long boring conversation that comes down to - they've got kids together and that's a magical bond that can never be broken! Except for all the times it is broken.
Oh and then The Lips announces she's preggers!
Liam is home!
Ava settles on the first she sees and then for her trouble Billy Idiot starts sleazing on her... he doesn't even know what carpe diem means.
Misery Guts Carol tries to cheer up the glum - but surprisingly well - Liam but he's having none of it.
Kirstie The Lips (wearing her Freddie Kreuger hat - possibly to stop her looking such a state) is not best pleased to find that Max has helped Ava get a flat before they're settled.
Jacknocchio is still on edge... Sharon showing that much skin is probably the reason though. It... does things. Terrible things.
Billy Idiot decides to impress Ava.
Max is going to be Jacknocchio's witness and best man! How exciting. Oh dear, turns out Max and Tanya have both been asked to be a witness at the wedding! Why the hell are they worried about that?
Kat and Kim discuss the meeting between Kat and Count Moonula for maintenance - yawn.
The Lips winds up Tanya by telling her she's moving into a flat - let's hope Max doesn't fall through on that! Oh dear, seems like Tanya immediately ran over to talk to Max! A tedious conversation then ensues with Tanya making it clear how displeased with this development but then rather childishly says she isn't. Max just sighs. Who can blame him?
Twitney gives Liam a heart-to-heart that seems to get through to him.
Looks like The Lips is getting her hopes up about Max getting that one flat.
Count Moonula is playing games with Kat's heart but they apparently both just want to discuss how things need to go.
Liam has disappeared but he's just offering his bedding to Ava to show that stabbings can radically alter people's personalities. Oh and The Lips has packed her bags... and for some reason assumes that even if Max had put down the deposit, they'd be moving in immediately. Even the incredibly stupid Kim points out the folly in assuming this is a certainty but then Max comes along and then after a suspiciously long pause says yes, he did.
More painful dialogue between Count Moonula and Kat.
Turns out Billy Idiot got the flat and as that's the only flat there is, The Lips is having a cry. It also turns out Tanya gave Billy Idiot the money - Ava is not best pleased at being a pawn. This doesn't explain why Max lied to Kirstie and they have a long boring conversation that comes down to - they've got kids together and that's a magical bond that can never be broken! Except for all the times it is broken.
Oh and then The Lips announces she's preggers!
Thursday, 4 April 2013
Thursday 4th April 2013
Dot looks around the Square before her date with destiny, taking the time to ask King Phil whether Lexi is any better. As if that's not bad enough, Arfuuuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy are still lurking in her house - having prepared her breakfast. She just has a piece of toast though... oh and then as if she hasn't got enough to worry about, Jacknocchio comes pounding on the door but she doesn't answer the door. For no discernible reason - something that can oft be said in Eastenders... in fact, more often than not - she is going to court all on her lonesome! Probably to make this more poignant.
Max is still making promises to Kirstie aka The Lips about a flat, as she is getting quite insistent... but he's saved as Jacknocchio comes a knockin' because he needs to tell Max about Dot's court appearance... honestly, it's a miracle anyone still remembers she's married to Jim - given that we hear him mentioned about as often as the laws of thermodynamics do.
Jack is still fretting over a letter he received and apparently it's from Ronnie.
Dot seems baffled by a metal detector at the court... Uh, she's old - she's not a simpleton. Fortunately, Ian is there to jolly her along. It's a bad sign when an episode is shamelessly padding before it hits the five minute mark.
Cora tells Arfuuuuuuuuuur and Poppy they need to ignore Dot's request and go to court.
Jack - inexplicably in the draughty warehouse that is laughably called a gym - is about to burn his letter from Ronnie but fortunately the perfect timing of the plot means Poxy appears just in time to stop him.
Dot is getting all worried about losing her house.
For some reason, Cora feels the best way to convince Max to go and watch Dot in the dock is to scare off his customers... as if business wasn't already slower than a glacier being observed approaching the event horizon of a black hole. Oh and despite the fact Max raises the salient point about her being responsible for Dot's current ills - apparently this is about him. Why?
Turns out that despite the fact we know Jack has had this letter from Ronnie for several days, the reason Poxy JUST turned up is that she knows Ronnie sent him a letter. Which begs the question as to why she didn't talk to him earlier. Oh, right because of bad writing.
Jacknocchio is able to remember the wife he'd totally forgotten - in much the same way Poxy is able to remember the sister she had totally forgotten about - anyway, just lots of "poor me" from the pair of 'em. Who cares?
FINALLY, Dot's trial finally begins and it seems to be a comedy of errors. Minus the comedy. Dot continuously interrupting her solicitor to say that what she's saying isn't true and Ian interrupting her to tell her to keep quiet and the judge interrupting HIM to tell him if he doesn't keep quiet, he'll be thrown out (no threats of finding him in contempt?). Oh and the icing on the cake, Pointless Poppy and Arfuuuuuuuur barging in to the obvious displeasure of the judge followed by Dot's objection to the solicitor lying "coz lying is wrong!". Good grief.
Cora also thinks the best thing to do is organise a party.
After the council lawyer tells the judge he wants Dot out on the streets before laughing madly and twirling his moustache, Arfuuuuuuuuur seeks to address the court!
A conversation betwixt Tanya and Max gets a bit meta as Tanya remarks that Walford marriages don't last. Next thing you'll be noticing everyone is always getting pregnant, having affairs, money problems or nasty accidents on an almost weekly basis! But clearly, we see the spark of the unkillable romance between the two - which is why The Lips turns up to be a sourpuss and points out that Dot was actually breaking the law...
Arfuuuuuuur takes the stand... If only someone had beaten the old adage "better to remain silent and let people think you a fool, than speak and remove all doubt" as he bungles his way through a meandering and almost totally irrelevant discourse about Dot. Hilariously, the judge points out that none of this changes what Dot did.
As if that wasn't enough, Dot then goes on to launch into her own lengthy, rambling monologue... Compelling courtroom drama this ain't. It's just kind of sad, really and not because Dot is potentially going to lose her house but rather because this feels like such a waste of an actress, standing up there and trying to do something (anything) with a staggeringly trite and banal monologue. It's a wonder no one falls asleep.
Dot turns up an remarks upon the fact everyone is there and not working - quite why this is worth comment in Albert Square is beyond mortal ken - and after drawing it out for far too long, it turns out that despite the fact nothing Dot said changed anything, she's getting to keep her house. A victory for lazy and predictable writing and everyone is so amazed at something good happening, they all start to applaud.
If only anyone could care after this mind numbingly dull episode.
Max is still making promises to Kirstie aka The Lips about a flat, as she is getting quite insistent... but he's saved as Jacknocchio comes a knockin' because he needs to tell Max about Dot's court appearance... honestly, it's a miracle anyone still remembers she's married to Jim - given that we hear him mentioned about as often as the laws of thermodynamics do.
Jack is still fretting over a letter he received and apparently it's from Ronnie.
Dot seems baffled by a metal detector at the court... Uh, she's old - she's not a simpleton. Fortunately, Ian is there to jolly her along. It's a bad sign when an episode is shamelessly padding before it hits the five minute mark.
Cora tells Arfuuuuuuuuuur and Poppy they need to ignore Dot's request and go to court.
Jack - inexplicably in the draughty warehouse that is laughably called a gym - is about to burn his letter from Ronnie but fortunately the perfect timing of the plot means Poxy appears just in time to stop him.
Dot is getting all worried about losing her house.
For some reason, Cora feels the best way to convince Max to go and watch Dot in the dock is to scare off his customers... as if business wasn't already slower than a glacier being observed approaching the event horizon of a black hole. Oh and despite the fact Max raises the salient point about her being responsible for Dot's current ills - apparently this is about him. Why?
Turns out that despite the fact we know Jack has had this letter from Ronnie for several days, the reason Poxy JUST turned up is that she knows Ronnie sent him a letter. Which begs the question as to why she didn't talk to him earlier. Oh, right because of bad writing.
Jacknocchio is able to remember the wife he'd totally forgotten - in much the same way Poxy is able to remember the sister she had totally forgotten about - anyway, just lots of "poor me" from the pair of 'em. Who cares?
FINALLY, Dot's trial finally begins and it seems to be a comedy of errors. Minus the comedy. Dot continuously interrupting her solicitor to say that what she's saying isn't true and Ian interrupting her to tell her to keep quiet and the judge interrupting HIM to tell him if he doesn't keep quiet, he'll be thrown out (no threats of finding him in contempt?). Oh and the icing on the cake, Pointless Poppy and Arfuuuuuuuur barging in to the obvious displeasure of the judge followed by Dot's objection to the solicitor lying "coz lying is wrong!". Good grief.
Cora also thinks the best thing to do is organise a party.
After the council lawyer tells the judge he wants Dot out on the streets before laughing madly and twirling his moustache, Arfuuuuuuuuur seeks to address the court!
A conversation betwixt Tanya and Max gets a bit meta as Tanya remarks that Walford marriages don't last. Next thing you'll be noticing everyone is always getting pregnant, having affairs, money problems or nasty accidents on an almost weekly basis! But clearly, we see the spark of the unkillable romance between the two - which is why The Lips turns up to be a sourpuss and points out that Dot was actually breaking the law...
Arfuuuuuuur takes the stand... If only someone had beaten the old adage "better to remain silent and let people think you a fool, than speak and remove all doubt" as he bungles his way through a meandering and almost totally irrelevant discourse about Dot. Hilariously, the judge points out that none of this changes what Dot did.
As if that wasn't enough, Dot then goes on to launch into her own lengthy, rambling monologue... Compelling courtroom drama this ain't. It's just kind of sad, really and not because Dot is potentially going to lose her house but rather because this feels like such a waste of an actress, standing up there and trying to do something (anything) with a staggeringly trite and banal monologue. It's a wonder no one falls asleep.
Dot turns up an remarks upon the fact everyone is there and not working - quite why this is worth comment in Albert Square is beyond mortal ken - and after drawing it out for far too long, it turns out that despite the fact nothing Dot said changed anything, she's getting to keep her house. A victory for lazy and predictable writing and everyone is so amazed at something good happening, they all start to applaud.
If only anyone could care after this mind numbingly dull episode.
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Tuesday 2nd April 2013
Lola's maternal instincts/woman's intuition having activated she goes all Casualty and starts shouting out instructions because obviously when your baby is potentially ill you don't call NHS Direct or take her to A&E, you just give her a baby paracetamol...
Ava is apparently unaware that B&B stands for bed and BREAKFAST... something you'd expect to come from a foreigner or a simpleton, not a middle aged school teacher. Kim and Denise seem a little shell shocked at having more black people... perhaps they're worried that the B&B is becoming a ghetto. Which would be an interesting plot - so, it won't happen.
Oh, wow. Lola calls NHS Direct. Almost as if she reads this blog... before it's published. Meaning she can SEE INTO THE FUTURE! EXPLAINING HOW SHE KNEW THIS WAS SERIOUS! It all makes sense now. Oh, meningitis scare!
How many B&Bs allow people to have people people around for dinner? Not many but Kim's is an exception but then how many B&Bs are cheap enough for barmaids to live in full time?
Ian has been told of Dot's situation and wants to get the papers involved. She thinks it's all down to god... clearly she hasn't heard of him only helping those who help themselves.
Billy Idiot lives up to his name by standing outside the house, shouting (and looking) like a crazy homeless man as the paramedics arrive.
Oh, Liam got stabbed. Easy to forget that and he thieves Bianca's mobile to ask for a favour.
Lola and Lexi get into an ambulance and the whole Square is out to see them... and suddenly everyone is terribly concerned!
Ronnie is getting out of jail! We've remembered Ronnie exists! Jack seems very pleased that the Kinder Egg Kid called him dad but Kat wants her to stay away... since when did Jack and Kat ever talk? Oh, that's right. No one ever talks to anyone. Oh and Count Moonula is going to have to start paying child support.
Worry about Lexi continues but really, who cares - if you want hospital drama you'd watch ER or Nurse Jackie... or if you're slumming it - Holby City. Perhaps Eastenders are just trying to make Holby look good by comparison with their cut rate medical drama antics? Maybe we're supposed to assume that everyone is romantically entangled and has a dark past, not to mention innumerable cases of medical malpractice and violation of professional ethics in Walford General?
The Branning brood at the B&B has become a party - which the not-so-secret wife has invited herself along to... and as she's the comic relief, panto refugee Kim has to dance. Oh and Kirstie warns Tanya off because the B&B is "her home". Oh dear. Everyone is dancing badly and that makes Kirstie leave. Who wouldn't?
Dot reluctantly accepts help from Sharon
Oh no, Liam is leaving to live with Thicky! It's like this whole storyline was utterly pointless!
More Lexi stuff - WHO CARES?!
Cora tries to bond with Ava - oh dear, that doesn't go too well and so finally the the Branning brood depart.
Count Moonula is accosted by Kat. Who wants child support and is now threatening a solicitor! Uh, if the CSA can't get the money, what's a lawyer going to do beyond charge you a lot of money?
Holby City continues, oh sorry. Eastenders. This is Eastenders. Easy mistake to make. Bianca seems pretty confident about taking on that gang of thugs. Oh, sadly Liam isn't leaving. It's almost as if this whole storyline was utterly pointless! Funny how that works.
Dot relents and accepts help! After referring to her old friends as her "crew". One has to wonder at what point Dot's brain was scooped out and replaced by an alien parasite.
Oh and back in Holby, it turns out it wasn't meningitis. What a surprise!Now everyone is singing her praises, including King Phil - who tells her about the meeting because apparently his heart has melted.
And Dot is all alone in her house... wouldn't this be more interesting if she was feeling suicidal.
Ava is apparently unaware that B&B stands for bed and BREAKFAST... something you'd expect to come from a foreigner or a simpleton, not a middle aged school teacher. Kim and Denise seem a little shell shocked at having more black people... perhaps they're worried that the B&B is becoming a ghetto. Which would be an interesting plot - so, it won't happen.
Oh, wow. Lola calls NHS Direct. Almost as if she reads this blog... before it's published. Meaning she can SEE INTO THE FUTURE! EXPLAINING HOW SHE KNEW THIS WAS SERIOUS! It all makes sense now. Oh, meningitis scare!
How many B&Bs allow people to have people people around for dinner? Not many but Kim's is an exception but then how many B&Bs are cheap enough for barmaids to live in full time?
Ian has been told of Dot's situation and wants to get the papers involved. She thinks it's all down to god... clearly she hasn't heard of him only helping those who help themselves.
Billy Idiot lives up to his name by standing outside the house, shouting (and looking) like a crazy homeless man as the paramedics arrive.
Oh, Liam got stabbed. Easy to forget that and he thieves Bianca's mobile to ask for a favour.
Lola and Lexi get into an ambulance and the whole Square is out to see them... and suddenly everyone is terribly concerned!
Ronnie is getting out of jail! We've remembered Ronnie exists! Jack seems very pleased that the Kinder Egg Kid called him dad but Kat wants her to stay away... since when did Jack and Kat ever talk? Oh, that's right. No one ever talks to anyone. Oh and Count Moonula is going to have to start paying child support.
Worry about Lexi continues but really, who cares - if you want hospital drama you'd watch ER or Nurse Jackie... or if you're slumming it - Holby City. Perhaps Eastenders are just trying to make Holby look good by comparison with their cut rate medical drama antics? Maybe we're supposed to assume that everyone is romantically entangled and has a dark past, not to mention innumerable cases of medical malpractice and violation of professional ethics in Walford General?
The Branning brood at the B&B has become a party - which the not-so-secret wife has invited herself along to... and as she's the comic relief, panto refugee Kim has to dance. Oh and Kirstie warns Tanya off because the B&B is "her home". Oh dear. Everyone is dancing badly and that makes Kirstie leave. Who wouldn't?
Dot reluctantly accepts help from Sharon
Oh no, Liam is leaving to live with Thicky! It's like this whole storyline was utterly pointless!
More Lexi stuff - WHO CARES?!
Cora tries to bond with Ava - oh dear, that doesn't go too well and so finally the the Branning brood depart.
Count Moonula is accosted by Kat. Who wants child support and is now threatening a solicitor! Uh, if the CSA can't get the money, what's a lawyer going to do beyond charge you a lot of money?
Holby City continues, oh sorry. Eastenders. This is Eastenders. Easy mistake to make. Bianca seems pretty confident about taking on that gang of thugs. Oh, sadly Liam isn't leaving. It's almost as if this whole storyline was utterly pointless! Funny how that works.
Dot relents and accepts help! After referring to her old friends as her "crew". One has to wonder at what point Dot's brain was scooped out and replaced by an alien parasite.
Oh and back in Holby, it turns out it wasn't meningitis. What a surprise!Now everyone is singing her praises, including King Phil - who tells her about the meeting because apparently his heart has melted.
And Dot is all alone in her house... wouldn't this be more interesting if she was feeling suicidal.
Monday, 1 April 2013
Monday 1st April 2013
Just as well Liam is in a private room because Bianca is sitting by his bed through the night!
Jack receives a letter and is instantly able to discern it is serious!
Arfuuuuuuuuuuuur gets awkward and we find out Dot will be in the dock at the end of the week, DUN DUN DUN!
Liam is told that DA GANG is off DA STREETS... but for how long?! Bianca tells him it's over... which seems a trifle naive.
Ava seems to have moved in with the Butchers... wow. Now there's a fate worse than death. Especially when you've got Misery Guts Carol trying to cheer you up.
Liam showing at least some more intellect than his slow witted father is aware that DA GANG might be off DA STREET but they'll be after him... and somehow Bianca thinks that she will be able to defend her son from a gang of knife wielding YOUFFFFFFF with nothing to lose. She's clearly delusional.
ZE SOCIAL are going to give Lola increased visitation rights with a view to returning Lexi to her... as you can imagine, King Phil is not best pleased at this news and evil cogs are already turning in his head. So, instead of just stopping round to tell Lola this the social worker tells King Phil and then when he looks obviously distressed at the news of losing Lexi and having previously tried his best to make sure she doesn't get her back - something that SS Officer Joyless is fully aware of - she just believe him and then says "Don't tell them before I do". Which makes you wonder why ZE SOCIAL would have a system in place where you're told you're having a meeting and then not told that it's one about increased visitation?
Dot is still worrying, although this seems to be manifesting itself as her acting as if she's just smoked some crystal meth and for some reason Arfuuuuuuuuur has to run interference for the Dot on the vicar?
Billy Idiot goes to the cafffffff and King Phil twirls his moustache as his evil plans begin to unfold.
Dexter Fletcher seems to be demonstrating some common sense by staying with the infinite Branning clan. He and Ava disagree about how things went, she wants to move out of town but Dexter Fletcher wants to stay.
Billy Idiot not only got Lola all excited by saying the meeting was probably good news but then almost drops the ball about King Phil suggesting the meeting might be about Lola almost running away with Lexi... he just about manages to gloss over that though. Even he can't be an idiot ALL the time, it would seem.
Bianca shouts at Ray for some reason... because that's her way.
Billy Idiot comes round to the Arches with something out of a skip and tries to impress King Phil but this only draws his ire and a predictable conversation about the merits of their parenting occurs... well, it would be more accurate to say a trading of insults about the fact both of them have failed utterly at being fathers.
Billy Idiot returns to Lola all angry but knowing that King Phil could say the sky is green and ZE SOCIAL would believe him, Lola tells him to have a big helping of humble pie and go and throw himself on King Phil's mercy.
Arfuuuuuuuur having come clean to the vicar, said man of God goes to talk to Dot about her woes.
Ava wisely rejects parenting advice from Cora.
Bianca blubbers because she needs to balance out all that shouting with crying. Her new great idea is giving up her only source of income! Even Kat points out that's stupid.
The vicar tells Dot to stop being prideful and admit her faults. Good Easter message!
Ava suffers more meandering pontifications from Cora. Boring.
Billy Idiot comes around to grovel but King Phil is predictably unimpressed, culminating with Phil telling him not to pick Lexi up as she's just eaten and then him ignoring this and she throws up on him.
Ava decides to move into everyone's favourite place - the B&B. They should turn the place into a block of flats!
DCI Walford comes with the inevitable "Actually, we've not locked anyone up for that stabbing!" WHAT A TWIST. Worthy of M. Night Shamalamadingdong himself. Liam gives a sad face.
King Phil and Billy Idiot are arguing over a flat pack - which apparently only has instructions in Danish, which seems about as likely as this being the best Christmas Walford has ever had - when Lola arrives and apparently her women's intuition is working overtime because she immediately goes upstairs and is aware that something is wrong with Lexi and it has to be serious as we get the DOOF DOOFS! DUN DUN DUN! Because parents aren't hypersensitive about their children's health and often assume something is wrong when it isn't!
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