Friday 30th August 2013

The episode leaps to an insipid beginning with Dexter berating Jay and then Lola telling Peter he should have told people about getting the person we've never heard about killed.

Jean is sitting on the bench in the centre of the Square... GRIPPING!

Billy Idiot lives up to his namesake by being surprised that Gold Digger isn't returning his calls.

It seems the holiday is over, what with the stolen money... and then Peter makes Lola feel better by talking more about the person who died. Lola being a teenage mother gives her insight into losing a teenage son, you see!

Jean has gone missing!

Dextah has decided the gang need to join up to find the money...

Jean is all upset about her relationship being over - even though she's just assuming it's over.

Everyone tries to play Columbo but they finally decide that the guy who bought the car stole the money. They then decide that even Dextah, Peter and Jay are no match for a friend of the mighty King Phil and decide to kidnap his daughter. No. Seriously, that's their plan. Until Abi speaks up.

Ollie has returned! Yawn.

Abi's plan is to get the tavern wench to text her father! Which results in him turning up and leaving the keys in the car, so that Jay can steal it WITHOUT breaking the window (that was handy!)... oh but the car won't start because hey, why NOT add another cliche? Oh but that was just to generate false tension because as soon as Dextah jumps in - it starts just in the nick of time. If anything, it's a miracle they don't have the father shaking his fist at them. Thank goodness the camping trip is over.

Billy Idiot's gold digger blows him off and he actually - having been told several times and seen all the signs - finally manages to put it together. What an idiot.

Ollie is OK with Jean being bipolar.

Da yoooooooooooooofffffffffffffffff return but King Phil is not happy.

Billy Idiot admits to Kim what a pathetic joke he is.

King Phil is not best pleased with Dextah

It seems Jean is having one of her manic episodes and Ollie is concerned. This upsets Jean.

Abi and Jay drama. Yawn.

King Phil wants to know who has his money. He's not too happy about not having it and goes all scary on Dextah to get the point across.

In yet another shocking plot twist, who should have the money but shifty Cyndi 2... Real M. Night Shymalan stuff there.

Thursday 29th August 2013

Dexter and da rest of da yooooooooouuuuuf are in a panic about the money... yawn.

Alfie pries Jean from Ollie because she's gone a bit mental.

Abi goes to retrieve the money to assuage the concern of Dexter but ohoh! No money. Dexter is not too happy.

Billy Idiot continues to be enticed by woman of stunningly average looks. She seems impressed by his flashing of cash.

Abi manages to go all Columbo and work out  that only the feckless group of them knew there was money in the caravan.

Alfie reassures Poxy that he doesn't love Kat anymore... why is she JUST worrying about this now?

Cyndi 2 is the natural target for accusation and she then strops off. Then everyone shows they aren't so much teenagers but school children as the predictable blame game ensues.

Billy Idiot's incredibly average looking lady friend turns out to be a gold digger! WHAT A SURPRISE! Who could have seen that coming? Kim isn't too happy and tells 'er to sling 'er 'ook.

Abi and Jay continue to fret over her pregnancy. Yawn.

Jean remains unconvinced by the double threat of Alfie and Poxy, seemingly resigned to DCI The Bill never returning rather than just telling him the truth.

Abi isn't preggers but she and Jay are still at odds.

Cyndi 2 tries to cheer up Dexter but her idea is that the tavern wench stole it and Dexter points out he was with her the whole time.

Billy Idiot and Kim have a most improbable exchange, where the Idiot tells the other idiot that they've forgotten how to have fun... Kim was drunk on the job just a few days ago and pretending that she's somehow abstaining from the simple pleasures because of hard work is like saying a fish in the sea needs to practice its swimming more.

Dexter tells Abi to buck her ideas up and get back together with Jay but when she tries to text him, it doesn't work and he starts flirting with the tavern wench. DUN DUN DUN!

DCI The Bill turns up and Jean blurts out that she has bipolar.

Is Peter going to fess up to what happened in Devon?! He thinks he's responsible for some guy we don't know dying. Wow. Who the hell cares? Lola seems shocked by this revelation.

Abi walks in JUST as Jay and tavern wench kiss. Now there's an original outcome!

Tuesday 27th August 2013

Despite being glistening clean the other day - Dexter and Lola are cleaning the car as Abi is worrying about the absence of Jay.

Jean's mania continues!

Lola's flirting with Peter continues before she worries about Lexi and then a generic car washing scene ensues. Sigh.

Kim tells Billy Idiot he's shooting for someone out of his league... Improbably she agrees to lunch in the Vic, which leads Billy Idiot to think it's a sure thing.

Peter has been going on about Cyndi 2 (off-screen). Always good to inform people of things rather than showing them and Jay and Abi continue to be awkward!

Alfie tries to convince Poxy Jean's manic and should tell DCI The Bill.

Dexter has gotten all dressed up to impress the tavern wench. Oh, she's the daughter of the person they're selling the car to! WHAT A TWIST!

Jean's mania continues!

It seems "Bob" is getting a bit of a deal on the car... ten grand? And wasn't it only five before?

Cyndi 2 and Lola do a bit of bonding... but who cares? Then she says sorry to Peter, who isn't receptive but then Cyndi 2 alludes to... THE SECRET!

Alfie continues to fret about Jean's mania.

The car deal goes through and Dexter continues to try and woo the tavern wench.

Kim - at odds akin to winning the lottery three weeks running - says another intelligent thing in the episode by pointing out Billy Idiot isn't going to impress Tara with market tat. Then ruins it by saying he needs to buy her a gift... because buying affection is so classy. Oh but Tara approves of the shirt.

Jay and Abi angsting about her being preggers - yawn.

Lola - looking more orange than usual - continues to flirt with Peter. Yawn.

Billy Idiot is in the Vic, where he shows to Alfie what an idiot he is while trying to impress Tara.

Abi asserts her being preggers WON'T BE OK!

For reasons of idiocy, Abi gets handed the money from the car deal and has to hide it.

Something is either wrong with the universe or Tara has ulterior motives because she seems attracted to him.

Lola has noticed something is up with Abi and Jay... and everyone disperses for obvious reasons of plot convenience.

The  unlikely flirting between Tara and Billy Idiot continues... just for Kim to walk in and demand payment for looking after Lexi. Allowing Kim to look after a child should be considered a serious form of abuse.

Abi wants an abortion - DUN DUN DUN!

Dexter flirting continues!

It seems Abi's man whore of a father has given her a rather jaded impression of Jay's abilities to provide and be faithful. Quelle surprise!

Poxy invites DCI The Bill to the wedding, to whit Jean says "IF THERE IS A WEDDING!" FORESHADOWING!

Oh and the caravan has been robbed.  DUN DUN DUN!

Monday 26th August 2013

Jay and Dexter are ready to go off on their trip but Peter seems anxious because of Cyndi 2... and invites himself along on the camping trip and Cyndi 2 wants to go along but she can't.

Lola is fretting about leaving Lexi  alone... you can't blame her. Billy Idiot isn't known for his... anything.

Phil insists that nothing should go wrong but already, we've got Lola carrying along about twenty bags. Which doesn't make any sense as they're going away for two days and they're coming back on the train. Then everyone is conveniently distracted. Let's hope no one unwanted sneaks in the boot!

A scene with Jean and DCI The Bill - where he alludes to her being in a manic episode but is obviously oblivious to it.

The kids are off on their roadtrip. Oh, the excitement! Billy gets distracted by a woman of average looks going into the B&B.

Abi seems to be in a bit of a mood and dohohoh, no one has a wire to connect their phone - uh, wouldn't it be able to connect via wireless or bluetooth?

Alfie confronts Jean about her being happy and he gets around to telling her that she needs to tell DCI The Bill about her bipolar disorder.  That seems far too sensible.

The tedious car journey continues but ohoh. THEY'RE LOST! If only most cars like this had satnav! Or if only Phil had printed out a map. Fortunately, Peter is capable of working this all out in a second but then to add to the comedy hijinks the car gets stuck in the mud and if you guessed that someone got sprayed with it, you've shown how unimaginative the writers are... Lola is the victim of this cliche but Peter is on-hand to be her knight in shining armour and shows off the real reason why he was hired - his manly body... which both Abi and Lola take notice of.

Jean finally confesses... to not liking strawberries and then tells off Alfie for having the audacity to suggest she be honest.

In a plot twist that was telegraphed on  Friday, you'll never guess who was able to remain perfectly still and silent in the boot the entire time. Yup, Cyndi 2, electric boogaloo is in the New Forest with the rest of DA YOUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!

The woman of average looks finds Billy Idiot in the B&B to repay Kim and she seems improbably taken with Walford's biggest loser.

Dexter is flirting with a tavern wench - goodness.

Jay tells Abi she has to go to uni but HERE COMES THE INEVITABLE PREGNANCY SCARE!

Friday 23rd August 2013

Phil walks into the caffffffffff to be threatened by Shirley - who having waited months to extort money from Phil now wants her money TODAY!

Billy Idiot is being an idiot as Lola fusses around the house.

Abi is consigned to failure despite the fact she could do resits or go to a different university.

Phil - being the kind of man who can get things done and is an economic powerhouse is frantically selling things and this means Dexter can't go on holiday. DUN DUN DUN!

Max acts like a petulant child toward Kirstie because she won't believe him about Carl and then when Carl turns up to buy a car (after Kirstie having commented he'd sold none - yeah, for about two years), Max chases him off.

Wow. Lola's social worker acting like a human being and being nice.

Phil gives Shirley a grand and she seems surprised. In another astute observation that seems a little TOO aware - she says that Phil and Grant thought they were the Cray twins... except she never even met Grant and it seems unlikely Phil would blab about his criminal dealings. To the surprise of no one, Shirley isn't impressed with the money and Phil skulks off, attracting the attention of Carl.

Dexter reveals he isn't going on holiday to his father and Jay... ONOES!

Having listened in Carl, asks Shirley about her Phil problem and after she declines to give him any meaningful answer has a little smile on his face.

Cyndi 2 is being babysat by Lucy and... Lucy is apparently friends with Lola now? Or maybe they're just united by their dislike of Cyndi 2.

Oh no, Lola can't go on the holiday either. It's all falling apart! If only anyone cared.

Carl visits Phil and says he isn't all that and a bag of chips, despite what he had previously thought. Clearly part of his plan.

Sam has a solution to Dexter's holiday disaster. Yawn.

Phil is clearly doing some dodgy deals due to desperation!

Somehow Dexter is able to persuade King Phil to allow both him AND Jay to drive the car to the New Forest... it really isn't that far.

Similarly, Sam sets Billy to getting Lola back on  the holiday.

Shirley is throwing darts very hard at a dartboard because she's angry at Phil - there's a change!

Time for Kirstie to give Lauren another pep talk!  Yawn.

Jean, has stopped listening to Shirley and is now talking to her. Oh and then Jean tells her there's someone for everyone - which leads to Shirley lashing out and saying all men are bastards, just looking for an excuse to leave you. If the woman is Shirley, then the question isn't when they'll leave, it's why they got with her. Jean leaves, rather hurt.

ANOTHER pep talk. Yawn. Billy Idiot woos Lola into going on holiday.

King Phil was in his counting house, counting all his money... which is in one of those dirt cheap hotel safes behind a picture. ORIGINAL!

The holiday is back on! Who cares?

Max shakes his fist at Carl before getting a telling off from Kirstie for neglecting his daughter. He then goes off to confront Abi about this in the Vic but as it turns out, Lauren to the rescue because she's worked out that Abi can still become a vet... something Abi should have known... honestly, if you're going that route - you might as well just do resits - it's just so unlike Eastenders to be even slightly realistic though... it's just a shame that it was used as a stupid reason for more drama.

Phil gives Shirley two grand and that seems to please her well enough. This whole debacle seems to have put him  in a mood as he tries to intimidate the ever polite Carl, who drives off very slowly in his new car. RIVETTING!

Thursday 22nd August 2013

Shirley is stalking Phil, presumably because she found out he was paying her rent.

Cyndi 2 is back to Devon before the end of the episode. Hahaha. Sure.

Shirley confronts Kim and finds out Denise knew too...

Cyndi 2 isn't wanted by Peter or Lucy but she knows about Peter's TERRRRIBLE SECRET!

Pointless Poppy catches Arfuuuuuuuuuuurrrr in a lie. DUN DUN DUN!

Shirley feels out King Phil about her rent but then after he denies it all, she just says she knows... King Phil doesn't want to discuss it in public though.

Jean is concerned about the continued carrot theft.

Abi continues to act all weird and nervous around her sister.

Cyndi 2 and Denise have a conversation, despite the fact they don't know one another. At all. Which is why Cyndi 2 tries to guilt her into talking to Ian and it seems to work.

Phil admits he might still have feelings for Shirley, that's a shock.

Lauren arranges an impromptu party for Abi.

Goodness, Shirley and Phil's problems are down to 'Ev's murder. This entire could have been cut and pasted from whenever Shirley found out.

Pointless Poppy looks set to leave Walford but is intercepted by Tamwar and Alice (who might just be on a half-day).

The tedious allotment storyline grinds on.

Poppy tells Alice about how she lost her job and how Arfuuuuuuuuuur is cheating on him. Cue Arfuuuuuuuuur walking in with a woman and Poppy storms off before Arfuuuuuur can explain that she's just a work colleague and that he's actually been secretly working back at a definitely not dangerously close to copyright infringing fast food restaurant. Who could have seen that shocking twist coming?

Lauren tells Peter he should forgive his sister and then comments how he's always been the golden boy who does no wrong. FORESHADOWING!

Cyndi 2 tries again to stay but Ian has had a long chat with her grandmother!

Pointless Poppy throws herself on Lola's mercy and then gushes to Sadie to try and get her job back and that works like a treat.

To make the allotment  plot worse, it turns out the thief is Mo.

It turns out Cyndi 2 was running away because she didn't want to move house and Ian seems to be taken by this predictable yarn of flattery and faaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmleeeee.

Mo reminds us of what a loathsome character she is and how her absence from the screen enriches the programme, blackmailing Jean into get DCI The Bill not press charges.

Shirley and Sharon shout at one another until Denise comes in.

The surprise party is sprung on Abi who continues to act all  tense.

Denise talks some sense to Shirley about Phil and she seems to have a complete turn around on her former Phil hating ways.

Abi admits she was lying about her exam results and the puts the blame squarely on Lauren... ah, sisterly love.

Shirley walks into Phil's house (no need to lock doors in crime free Walford). She then tells Phil to think of what she's worth and then treble it. You won't get far on less than a tenner, Shirl.

Oh and despite everyone having spent the entire episode she'd be gone before the credits, guess who's staying "a few more days". Yes, it's Cyndi 2!

Tuesday 20th August 2013

Denise didn't sleep well because of her break up with Ian. Kim is on hand with supportive comments! What a great sister. Oh and then Ian calls.

Peter tells Ian not to be an idiot - sadly advice that is necessary on a daily basis in Walford. Oh and Ian seems to think proposing marriage is the answer.

The car lot has suffered some tyre slashing, just as Carl waltzes by. Max and Jack growl at him.

Shirley has some lines... that are irrelevant, as Ian comes in to try and win Denise over. Denise is glad he's shooed off by Kim but Patrick tells her she needs to deal with Ian sooner or later. Oh and Phil covering Shirley's rent is brought up but why would anyone tell Kim about that?

Pointless Poppy has not been forgiven by Lola!

Kat and Bianca are still going on about singles night. Good grief.

Lauren isn't very good at her job but fortunately she's off to her alcohol counselling but not before a package arrives! It's booze for Lauren - which Max concludes is from Carl. DUN DUN DUN!

Ian comes begging to Denise, she isn't too impressed

The fact everyone in Walford lives isolated, lonely, miserable and has hardly any social contact with people outside their immediate family or someone they despise is manifest by Bianca's inability to find someone to accompany her to singles night take two... doubly so by the fact that she and Kat are competing to find someone to go with them.

Shirley continues to wind up Shirley... but Patrick is on hand to defuse the situation. Where could this be going?

There's a shocker, the guy from last time is still loitering outside the counselling room when Lauren is there.

Tamwar and Alice are going on a date! Which is awkward!

Ian's genius plan is to get Denise back is to get his son to talk to her and shut down his business to demonstrate his desperation.

Sadie is treating Lola badly!

Denise is barraged by first Alfie and then Peter trying to fix the relationship between her and Ian. Peter bounds after her out of the Vic... this is tremendously desperate... what kind of man sends his son to sort this out?

Patrick is trying to patch things up between Shirley and Kim with ALCOHOL!

Peter has A DAAAAAAAAAARK SECRET as someone keeps calling him. Oh and Ian totally over reacts to Denise not saying no. Quelle surprise.

Sadie picks up on Lola having a bee in her bonnet and asks Pointless Poppy about it, who confesses her deception and runs out crying.

The Kat and Bianca single night take two... Feel your will to live ebb.

Denise walks into the empty restaurant and Ian's toe curling apology begins. It's awful.

Carl shows that getting a rise out of Max is easier than getting wet in the ocean as but a single taunt in the Vic has Max ready to commit assault. Fortunately, Jack is there to stop him and Lauren walks in to ponder Max's predicament.

Wow! Ian seems to realise he suffers from a split personality but it's obviously all empty words from him.

Kat and Bianca realise Walford men are awful... yeah but you should see the women! Just use a mirror.

What a surprise - Kim spills the beans about Phil paying Shirley's rent.

Pointless Poppy sees Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur with another woman. Who cares?

And Ian et al return to find the house has been broken into and the estranged Cyndi is there.