Thursday 31st January 2013

The awkwardness has escalated at the Masood house following but everyone seems oblivious. Apparently Rasheed's name alone is enough to make Geordie Racer storm off... and it looks as if Masood may tell AJ the truth! Goodness, he actually does... complete with AJ spit take. After that initial surprise, AJ says Geordie Racer is probably just messing with him.

Cue Masood telling her she thinks she's not serious... ruhroh. Apparently Geordie Racer is some kind of shower ninja as Masood returns to an empty house and she appears behind him silently, clad in but a bath towel as if she'd JUST stepped out of the shower. She acts all seductive before Masood gets all hot under the collar and scarpers to the safety of the bottom of the stairs - a whole ten steps away from her!

Count Moonula gets Half-Day Alice to start her FIRST FULL DAY OF WORK! Apparently she's able to clean up the entire house in a matter of hours. Then breaks down crying because she got a letter for the Hogfather, which she inexplicably gets Count Moonula to open for her - it's just a credit card application. That was weird. Oh, wait - there's more.

Half-Day makes the mistake of asking Count Moonula to say something nice about her father. Oops. That backfired. They come to the mutual conclusion that no one is all bad though... which is apparently enough to make Half-Day tear up again.

Max isn't taking the hint that Tanya doesn't want to see him. So it should come as no surprise that he walks back into the house to go through letters... enter Cora to give him a piece of her mind. She apparently isn't happy with him psychologically grinding down her daughter - as evidenced by the fact she didn't show up or even call any of the dozens of times he did things far worse than this.

Twitney and Tyler's break-up continues and nary a damn was given. Both characters have been almost entirely absent for months now and it's a miracle they even remember they have a relationship and we're now supposed to care about the fact it's over?

Alfie has gotten the plaque for the Vic redone to put Poxy's name on it - a move so sudden and unwarranted that even the Square mad woman Jean tells him it's a bit soon and points out that Kat is unlikely to be overjoyed at the prospect.

As expected, Bianca and Kat are ready to go into business but there is just one problem - Ian is Hitler (due to his ability to remember the fact Bianca received a criminal conviction or two for thieving and assault in the market)! That would be an interesting storyline... anyway, Kat responds the only way she knows how - getting her make-up caked face right up close and personal before shouting the odds... Fortunately, Saint Alfie is on hand to diffuse the situation and after a little sweet talking and emotional blackmail, he wins Ian over.

Kat wants to give Alfie JUST as he shows the new plaque to Poxy - that is the one thing Alfie DIDN'T want to happen... he probably shouldn't have made a big deal out of unveiling it then. What a plonker.

Tuesday 29th January 2013

Max is talking to Tanya - who has (as all mothers do) absconded with JUST one of her children... and to prove just how much of a catch she is, as soon as he is off the phone Sharon (despite Jacknocchio's protests) tells Scotch Egg to sling 'is 'ook. Wasn't Sharon supposed to be in the B&B because she was in a mood? Anyway, Max gives the mandatory lie about having a place to stay.

He and Dot are having a chat in the cafffffffffff, where she expresses concern about the chain smoking, misanthropic Cora being in charge of the Lauren and Abi. Max doesn't seem particularly concerned though. Dot being the do-gooder she is, has a word with Sharon and points out that Max was lying (something a child could have discerned) and has nowhere to go.

Geordie Racer has gotten a huge bunch of flowers from Rasheed... so, he must be invited to dinner for maximum hijinks. Also, Zainab has remembered her infant son but hasn't come clean about not getting the job. Fortuitously, this isn't going to be dragged out as she points out the regional manager to Masood in the next scene. No need to worry though, despite this job being super special important - she's now going to focus on helping Geordie Racer.

Geordie Racer is apparently still struggling to just tell the truth as regards her indifference to her suitor. She tells Zainab she'd rather go to university than marry Rasheed but Zainab takes the opportunity to put down Tamwar and assures Geordie Racer that getting married is a great idea, all but saying that she'd better get married while she has the looks. This causes her to have a bit of a cry later, Masood is on hand for sympathy but Geordie Racer just says that Zainab doesn't love him and she knows he has feelings for her.

Kat materialises at Bianca's house and seems about as upset about Bianca getting them fired as you would when someone gets you the wrong kind of sandwich... oh and AJ has now set his sights on her... Set your sights low and you'll seldom be disappointed.

The powerful alliance of Kat and Bianca rumbles on though, as they comment on the state of the market and decide to change their cleaning "business" into a market stall... because that's the kind of thing people living on the poverty line can do easily. The business world today is well known for a total lack of starting costs and being utterly bereft of excessive bureaucracy and such... so we can expect Bianca and Kat's stall to be open in but the blink of an eye.

Bianca even goes on to say as much but Kat just says she'll sell some jewellery but this is a front as she pauses outside the pawn shop with her wedding ring in hand - just waiting for Alfie to turn up and do his usual saint routine. Which extends to letting Bianca selling her stuff in the Vic... ah, if there were some means of selling things in some kind of futuristic electronic way but that's just crazy talk.

AJ is clearly desperate as he effectively buys a date with Bianca, meanwhile Saint Alfie hands Kat a big wodge of notes straight from the till. That's a good way to run a business. AJ turns up just as Kat and Bianca are crowing about their success and what does he get? A face full of door. Stay classy, ladies.

Half-Day Alice has appeared and guess what? SHE HAS THE DAY OFF! It's as if the Crayon Crew know! Apparently it's her boss. Speculation that she's going to get a team leader role... which by the laws of soapland means she'll be getting a P45. Ohoh, what's that? SHE LOST HER JOB?! WHAT A SHOCK! Who could have seen that coming. This is Eastenders though, so even though everyone carps on about times being tough, she's unemployed for less than five minutes before she's offered a job without even ASKING (by Count Moonula, who wants a baby sitter).

Twitney, having reappeared from whichever sofa she got stuck down the back of (a rather sunny one by the looks of it) looks at Joey and Lauren kissing with undisguised disgust... Joey takes exception to this and tells her to keep quiet, lest he tell Tyler about their kiss... the kiss that happened weeks ago. Also, who would get worried about ONE kiss, it's not exactly infidelity.Oh and now she's super worried about this one fleeting and minor indiscretion ruining her relationship with Tyler.

So, the perfect time for Twitney to come clean about this is when Tyler is getting all serious about them  getting their own place together. It's pretty hard to tell if he's upset or trying to work out the square root of 73 though - about 8.54. Apparently he is upset. Seeing Joey leads inevitably to a scuffle and Tyler breaks up with Twitney (a moniker as appropriate as ever), telling her she should have kept quiet... there's a good moral for Eastenders to supply!

Monday 28th January 2013

Cora threatens Max - what a charmer - before he walks off into the night and apparently the middle of the night is a good time to check the post as Tanya finds some of his letters and throws them out... despite that being a crime.

Later Max tries to win Tanya over by threatening to shout through the letterbox a lot. With the usual incomprehensible grunts, he's able to win Tanya around sufficiently for dinner. Which even the short sighted and selfish Cora (more like Bora!) nay says but Max pulls out all the stops - even making sure he buys the wine from the Vic so he can have a brief chat with Jacknocchio... but Jacknocchio jinxes it by saying he'll be getting the flat back!

So, the Scotch Egg gets all dressed up... sadly it turns out Tanya has decided to fix her vast quantities of idiocy by fleeing Walford... yeah, that makes lots of sense! Oh and Bora looks extremely pleased with herself at this revelation - is she possessed or something?

Zainab is apparently find out who got the regional managers job today... seriously?! Decided over a weekend, eh? GRITTY REALISM! Obviously, Denise ALSO thinks she's a shoe in for the job and she and Ian have to act like awkward teens in love... the irony of which is highlighted by Kim making jokes about Denise being past it.

Apparently Zainab gets the job - despite her short term memory loss and having been an employee for all of five minutes. Often times in the real world, better suited people will lose out on these positions PURELY because someone has been working longer than they... anyway, this is apparently a reason for Masood and comedy sidekick AJ to try and fix the gate.

Which give him time to cover for Geordie Racer, who couldn't bear to properly call it off with her arranged marriage boyfriend... jeez. Hadn't she decided she was going to tell him it was over? Oh, they actually deal with that after the awkward lying on the phone scene as seen in approximately ever unfunny sitcom ever made in human history. Only to find out Zainab has gone crazy (as she apparently got the new job?) and decided to spend a grand on a water feature - which is because the Masood dreams have failed.

Oh but guess what? Zainab didn't get the job - it's almost as if there was the possibility that the job could be offered to MORE than just the two people available for the position. Oh, the hilarity.

Ian smiles sickeningly at Denise... it's amazing that the expression doesn't rip his face in half. He goes on to invite her around for dinner... can't mates just be mates? Sorry, not with the Crayon Crew in charge - you're probably thinking of a show that has actual characters, Ian... your personality is in another castle.

Sharon - looking more like she's wearing a wig than usual - is torn between her son and Phil! Or more accurately, Lexi. Apparently Lexi is her responsibility. Even Jacknocchio realises this is idiotic. Which is saying something. Oh and she has a go at Jack later... didn't she move out of his house because she got in a tizz with him trying to stop her mollycoddled freak of a son being... less of that? If the Crayon Crew don't care, why the hell should we?

Oh and it would seem that Bianca has noticed Sharon is wearing a wig as she tells her to keep her hair on... and other similarly inadvisable phrases for someone living beneath the poverty line. How does it go? Oh, it would appear that Bianca got fired! Just as well that's not a serious or stressful event in Walford.

She doesn't seem to realise that you can simultaneously protect your child too much AND not pay them enough attention. After all, if you lock your kid up in a room until they're thirty - you're keeping them safe but you probably aren't paying them a great deal of attention... you may also be taking a page out of the Eastenders/Grimm Fairytales handbook of child raising.

Lola blubbers as the ever maternal Phil gets ready to leave on his holiday. Apparently Lexi is teething though and Billy Idiot is gleeful that Phil deigns to give him his own great granddaughter for an hour. In Walford, truly idiocy is bliss... and then Lola gets emotional because she doesn't want to say goodbye. While it's understandable that a young mother would suffer separation anxiety a couple of weeks isn't long and it's not as if anyone ever grows up saying "Remember that time when I was less than a year old..."

And then off swans Phil in his Chelsea tractor.

Friday 25th January 2013

What has the show been lacking lately? BRANNINGS! Tanya is ordered by her mother to go to her hospital appointment. Despite seeming fine mere minutes earlier, she's apparently hungover when Lauren remarks on her hypocrisy over coffee. Apparently this is justification for her to help Arfuuuuuuuuuuur out by having a party at her house.

Why Arfuuuuuuuuur is having this party, why it's in the middle of the week, why it couldn't be postponed... all the salient details are (because let's not forget Eastenders two watch words are "gritty" and "realism") never mentioned. Surprise, surprise - as soon as Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur rolls up, he has approximately a hundred youfffffffffffs in tow and despite Lauren and Joey being there with Abi tutting, at no point do they try and stop people entering. Yet they seem surprised when about two minutes later, things start getting out of hand.

Max tells his bruv that he's going to win Tanya back - by the end of the day! That's ambitious even for the silver tongue of the Scotch Egg! He finds out she's off to the hospital to get her cancer flu check up... lucky for him, he's not there because Cora and Tanya are in the hospital boring up a storm. About the only thing of importance said is Cora pointing out Max isn't much of a catch. Oh and Tanya doesn't have cancer.

Now... after you've had a long day in a hospital and out shopping, what do you like to do? Go home, put your feet up? Have a nice relaxing bath or shower? Just sit down in front of the TV and take a load off, probably. Especially as you get older, a whole day on your feet can really make you want nothing more than a nice cup of tea and your own home - NOT FOR TANYA AND CORA THOUGH!

To prove the gritty realism of Eastenders, the coffin dodging Cora and past her prime Tanya hit the R&R!  Because when you think of somewhere to just hangout for a quiet drink, you think nightclub, right? What a joke... in fact, the entire scene is entirely pointless. They'd already established Tanya was cancer free - pointless padding!

With that out of the way, we get to the inevitable arrival of Tanya to the chaotic party. Apparently the best way to deal with a wild party is to start handing out your ex-husband's clothes to people. This inexplicably leads to people leaving the house in an orderly manner, each accepting a gift of clothing from Tanya... and as Max is in the Vic, where do the ejected party goers end up? THE VIC! Where everyone that Max asks gives the stuff back without so much as a cross word - drunks are well known for their sense of fair play and impeccable manners after all, it's not as if we saw them projectile vomiting in the Branning house mere minutes ago... and Tanya decides that having given away all of Max's clothes, now is the time to start the family anew... or something. Yawn.

Zainab is getting ready for the ultra important job interview to become regional manager and what better way to prepare for that, than to lash out at AJ? Then it's off for some petty sniping at Denise - she's firing on all cylinders but then they're all hugs and "may the best person win!", until it turns out they changed the time of the interview. At the last minute... and called the SHOP and Zainab hadn't told Denise. If only there had been the invention of some wireless means of two-way communication that was now ubiquitous, that could facilitate a direct conversation between the two parties? That's just crazy talk though.

Zainab receives her comeuppance though as her chances are apparently ruined by the interviewer thinking she was in an injury that caused short term memory loss - courtesy of AJ. Instead of simply explaining that this isn't true, Zainab rolls with it... no hilarity ensues. Masood just about has to break up the squabbling AJ  and Zainab who both act as little more than petulant children.

Dexter is working at the Arches and his mother castigates him... for some reason. WALFORD ISN'T THEIR HOME! Uh, OK... so... why did you take a job in Walford then? Although, Dexter's argument about jobs not being readily available just shows he knows nothing about Walfordian economics.

Lola barges in to show Phil he can't have it all his own way but unfortunately, she's forgotten that ZE SOCIAL is based not in reality but the bizarre hateful imaginations of the Crayon Crew and so, there are only two options. Lexi goes with Phil or Lexi goes into foster care. YAY! REALISM! That's exactly how it works because that's all social workers want to do - destroy families and steal children from their mothers... said no one ever. Except the Crayon Crew.

Lola bemoans Phil's evil machinations and as if the indignity of suffering that wasn't enough for her, she has the the tired and weathered face of Billy Idiot invading her personal space, preaching to her that it's all for the best. The situation seems that much more ridiculous as there are only two POSSIBLE solution posited.

Lola goes off to do some thinking outside the Arches and does what all people do when they reach a conclusion in Eastenders. Walk off without saying a word. Although, later she goes around to Phil to say that it's OK for him to go on holiday... Meaning this entire sequence of events has achieved nothing.

Speaking of things that achieve nothing - and as there has been such a dearth of Brannings onscreen - there is also a bit where Sharon's Kinderegg abomination of a son apparently hit Morgan at school. Which is entirely down to the fact Jacknocchio gave him one boxing lesson... which actually consisted of throwing one punch. So, how does Sharon react to the home truths that she's swaddled her freakish child in cotton wool and has been so busy with Lexi that she's been ignoring her own child? SHE'S MOVING OUT AGAIN!

Thursday 24th January 2013

Max is on Jacknocchio's sofa, being lambasted for losing two wives in one night. Kicking a man while he's down, eh?

Zainab has been short-listed for the coveted regional  manager position but OH HO HO, so has Denise! It seems the reborn Ian Beale is going to be her SECRET WEAPON as their romance has escalated to her accepting his help (over a pint at the Vic, naturally). He even suggests she try and fix things with Kim!

Cluck, cluck, cluck - it must be the world's most evil (and improbable) mother hen, Phil "motherly" Mitchell. Apparently he's absconding to Cornwall with Lexi and flat out says "there's nothing you can do about it". It really is a shame he doesn't have a moustache to twirl... Hmm, Shirley hasn't been around to shout the odds at him for a while...

Lauren expresses surprise when Tanya says she's going in to work... a valid reaction, people actually going to their jobs in Walford is pretty surprising but Tanya ripostes by saying she still went to work when she was having chemo... uh, did you? Besides, that's not exactly fair given that Tanya didn't have cancer just cancer flu, the symptoms of which never escalated beyond a mild hangover.

Dot gives Cora a piece of her mind about the debt she is faced with and Cora is all heart, she'll give Dot a tenner a week and some shifts! Starting now! Also, the council have stopped Dot's benefits because of her rent arrears... uh, wouldn't a large amount of her benefits be TOWARD HOUSING COSTS?! Oh, right - expectations of realism in this "gritty and realistic" soap are ALWAYS punished. Oh and the icing on the cake is, Cora seems positively delighted at the fact Dot is anguished at the prospect of losing her home. Smiling gleefully as Dot laments her wretched fate.

Tanya is wandering around the Square (that's pretty close to work in Walford) and bumps into Ava... and it turns out that the school she applied to was Oscar's school. What are the chances of your long lost sister randomly getting a job at the same school as your son? About a bajillionty to one if you factor in the fact Ava is presumably going to start working not just midway through a year but midway through a TERM.

No sooner has Tanya told Ava that she and Max have split up (she should consider gets cards printed for when she and Max break-up and get back together - it would be a real time saver) for really really really reals this time, than the Scotch Egg appears in the hardboiled flesh but Tanya is having none of it and tells him to go off and find his real wife! Then she actually arrives at work and what better way to run a business than to crack open the bubbly before lunchtime!

Still in dire need of a moustache to twirl, Phil joins Cora in delighting in the suffering of his fellow man as he taunts Lola with his utter indifference to her and the hoops he is making her jump through. At the laundrette, it seems as if Dot has been possessed by the spirits of a Carry On film but fortunately Billy awkwardly fawning over her return is interrupted when Lola bursts in to drag Billy off to ZE SOCIAL... just watch out for their showers, Lola!

There's a lot of Carry On to go around, as Zainab is in full Carry On mode as she does an interview to prepare for the much vaunted regional  managership. As soon as Masood gets Geordie Racer to play Denise, Zainab is able to show all the career savvy and guile of a petulant twelve year old. Which gets a little awkward when he has to choose between Geordie Racer and Zainab to say who gets the job!

Apparently the work day was over before it even began as the salon has transformed into a ladies night (even though it's still light outside). Tanya states that she's not going to fall for the first guy she beds, Sharon says she's made that mistake and Cora says "Yeah, Phil!" yes and Jack!

Tanya et al roll up at the Vic and Lauren remarks upon the fact Tanya didn't do any work... and then Tanya says she decided to enjoy her freedom and that Lauren isn't the only one that knows how to have fun... wait, what? Your daughter HAS A SERIOUS PROBLEM! Have you forgotten about that? Drinking as a crutch is one of the BIGGEST warning signs of alcoholism! To suggest your daughter is having fun when she has an abusive relationship with alcohol means Tanya is either supposed to be the most criminally negligent parent in Walford (which is saying something) or that the Crayon Crew are utterly incapable of understanding how much they're undermining the seriousness of Lauren's problem...  perhaps Tanya isn't the only one that's criminally negligent.

Ian and Denise's date facilitates the revelation that it was Ray who came onto Denise and not the other way around... While Ian pre-empts this intervention with saying that his experiences have taught him that problems  need to be dealt with openly and honestly... it doesn't stop  this from highlighting the fact that this Ian bears absolutely no resemblance to the pre-Mandy Ian. None at all.

Jacknocchio lambastes Max for being a monumental idiot and telling Tanya he had feelings for Kirstie. In fact, he even says if anyone should know not to do that - it's him AND HE AGREES. Wow, they've really just stopped trying...

Further demonstrated by the fact it's a Monday night and so everyone rolls over to the club, where Joey says "I could swear we just opened!" Really? The club seems to open up before noon, even on the winter solstice people are wandering in during broad daylight! Denise's budding romance with Ian is discussed briefly - oh and she and Kim are fine.

Also, Monday is karaoke night apparently... but after belting out some very half-hearted "Dancing Queen", Tanya makes another ill judged comment about her daughter's drinking problem and then everyone is apparently stony faced at the prospect of her drinking more, so she decides to head home...

Lola seems shocked that it took a while for her social worker to appear - fair comment as she usually just seems to appear as required... and surprise, surprise - Lola has lodged a complaint about Phil going off on holiday buuuuut, this isn't the real social services that would only put a child into care as a last resort, this is the fantastical paramilitary neo-fascist organisation from the wildest tabloid fuelled dreams of the Crayon Crew, so the FIRST recourse? TAKE LEXI INTO CARE! For the glory of ZE SOCIAL!

Making poor time, even for a drunk, Tanya seems Max as she's walking home and avails herself of the opportunity to have a go at him before she falls over and has herself a nice little cry on the ground with her mother next to her and she still loves her cheating Scotch Egg of an almost successfully bigamist ex-husband. Aww.

Tuesday 22nd January 2013

Brannings, Brannings, Brannings - will it never end? Because after yesterday's Branning heavy episode, we start where we left off with Max questioning Kirstie signing the divorce papers... Give that gift horse a thorough oral examination, that's Max's motto. Oh and Kirstie is leaving in 20 minutes. Just like that! Will it be for really reals though?

Max walks back in having after a conflicted look completely forgotten he was supposed to talk to Dot. Instead of coming clean, the supposedly consummate liar strings together a painfully unconvincing story about just bumping into Kirstie as he walked back from the Vic. Tanya looks less than convinced and then goes upstairs with a headache - careful, that's one of the first signs of cancer flu!

Kirstie (having turned up to her shift late and walked out after about five minutes) goes back again to tell Alfie she's leaving (for really reals) and she's handing in her notice... wow. Most people just abscond in the dead of night and just hope all the loose ends tie themselves up... ah but this is Eastenders, so there is an ulterior motive! She needs the money! She also tells Alfie he's a really nice bloke.

The unrelenting dreariness of the Branning Barrage doesn't stop there though. We have Kirstie going back to the B&B to pay her rent and then Lauren turns up... then it's back to Max, who is checking on the kids before going to bed. A scene that mixes tedium and awkwardness drags on as Max and Tanya are in the not-really-dark of the bedroom - despite having said she had a headache, divorce is a big turn on for Tanya but what's that? Max just wants a cuddle?! Dohohoho - oh, how you have subverted gender stereotypes Eastenders!

Thankfully, we escape that scene to see Lauren apparently feeling guilty about Kirstie's departure... Kirstie's parting words of wisdom? Cut down on the booze. Wise words indeed. Then it's back to the Branning bedroom, where Max can't go to sleep. Tanya asks about what happened with Kirstie at the funeral and AGAIN, the consummate liar makes a number of schoolboy errors.

Tanya apparently decides that morbid fascination with the minutiae of everything pertaining to Kirstie is a great idea and that tomorrow will be a fresh start! Yes because a rigorous examination of that relationship is going to make a fresh start super easy! Max gets so vexed by Tanya's stream of questions that - if possible - Max's guttural tongue descends to the point it sounds as if he's trying to imitate a didgeridoo!

Finally, Max drops the bombshell of Kirstie's abortion. Yawn. Then we get to the "revelation" that Max would sleep with her... for some reason, this surprises Tanya... has she not noticed her husband's serial philandering? Oh and he still loves her too. This prompts Max to return to his didgeridoo impersonation - where's Rolf Harris with his wobble board when you need him?!

Oh and despite having asked for this honesty and Max actually obliging (oh, the irony) - Tanya decides that the only logical recourse is to physically man handle him out of the house... Wait, isn't it Max's house? Anyway, Max is standing on the street corner JUST in time to see Kirstie being ferried away into the night. OK, the storyline is over now... can we please, PLEASE HAVE A BRANNING BREAK?!

Monday 21st January 2013

Tanya having been caught by Kirstie decides to go nanners and tell her she's leaving and begins to throw her  stuff out the window. After Kirstie declines to say why Max had the key to her room (but mentions kissing him before Derek's funeral), Tanya thinks that having broken into her room, shouted at her and thrown her stuff out of the window that NOW is the time to be reasonable and politely ask the Secret Wife to sign the divorce papers... You certainly know how to butter 'em up, Tanya! Astonishingly, this doesn't work! But don't worry, Kirstie fakes her out by pretending to sign but instead writing "NEVER" in big red letters.

At which point, Max appears and a sudden dread that this episode is going to revolve exclusively around these three characters sets in. Tanya storms off and Kirstie decides that now is a good time to try and seduce Max... but apparently for once in his life, he's not interested in a tumble... that's out of character. He actively rejects her advances and storms out of the B&B, leaving Kirstie to tearfully pick up her clothes. To rub salt in the wound, even Kat offers her some pity... that's a low.

Lauren does the unusual (because telling the truth is the exception, not the rule - ESPECIALLY when it makes sense) and explains that the key was for her because after all of five minutes on the Square, Kirstie had realised that Lauren had a drinking problem and needed a shoulder to cry on. No real explanation as to why Max was covering up for Lauren and so Tanya breaks down sobbing and then it's all happy families. Snore.

Max tells Tanya to stop looking at him as if everything he says is a lie... why? Easy way to tell when Max is lying - his mouth is open and as this episode seems set upon being a black hole of boredom the tedium moves to the kitchen. Yawn. Max makes sure to set a good example for Lauren by pouring himself a healthy measure of Scotch.

Lauren goes to see Kirstie again. She tells Kirstie to go and we have more foreshadowing of Kirstie meeting an end... Apparently having a room in a B&B, Max and a job in the Vic is all Kirstie has to live for... seems like death would be a kindness then. Still, at least Kirstie actually has to work! Unlike everyone else. She's even castigated for turning up late.

Miracle of miracles, we leap out of the sinkhole of entropy and dive into the relative excitement of the Vic. Lest you had forgotten of the Crayon Crew's visceral loathing of council officials, Dot is sitting at the bar talking about how the Staziesque enforcers of Walford council all but beat a confession out of her and if things didn't get sorted out, she'd be off to the gulags.

Despite having already set his sights on Sharon, Phil makes a pass at Kirstie... He certainly is mercurial these days... Then to add insult to injury, Kat offers further moral support. Jeez, Kat - stop kicking her while she's down! At least Kirstie has enough self-respect to say "I'm not you."

Back to the Branning boredom, where the family are sitting down for dinner  for the first time in living memory. What could ruin this happy moment? Max's phone ringing in the background and it's from Kirstie! Who is in the Vic, seeing couples being all couply... and then, as if the indignity of having relationship advice from Walford's bicycle wasn't bad enough, she has the physical embodiment of losers, Billy Idiot thrusting a picture of his great-granddaughter in her face. She does what anyone would do, walks out - looking at the house.

Then there's a knock at the door but it's Dot! Looking for Cora but then Kirstie calls and gives Max an ultimatum! Go and see her or she'll come and see  him! Uh, why does Max go along with this? Why does he lie to Tanya? Oh, that's right - HE'S AN IDIOT... everyone is an idiot but most especially everyone that writes this is an idiot.

Oh and Kirstie signed the divorce papers. It's hard to say whether that makes this episode (or indeed, entire storyline) more or less pointless but it's really a minor quibble as this is the televisual equivalent of ritalin and could be used to quell the hyperactivity of even the most sugar addled, caffeine fuelled child.