Lola turns up to Phil's flat - where he promptly commands her to iron a shirt for their upcoming meeting... wow, that was quick. Didn't a substantial part of your application JUST radically change and yet they've not sent you back to square one? Lola begins naysaying but Phil reassures her "you've got me". The chav princess is suitably shocked and appalled at this.
She also seems to have suddenly become rather more antagonistic toward Phil. First complaining that he didn't show her the care plan and then demanding that Billy Idiot (or "pops" as she insists on calling him - seriously Lola, stop trying to make "pops" happen!) return from Blackpool or whatever wretched corner of the blasted wastes beyond the M25 he has gone to but he's "on a job".
Shirley sees Lola but apparently now her "this is all for Phil" angle is gaining more traction but that's really not plausible - oh, that's right the whole situation with Lola having her child pried from her arms by the SS officers of ZE SOCIAL is about as realistic as hot water falling up - given that Lola is the mother and hasn't really done anything bad.
Phil has set his mind to redecorating his house for some reason and for some reason Sharon is there... shouldn't she be in the club?! It's Monday night, the biggest night of the week! She clearly doesn't care though because she's off to scour the Square for Lola as the visit with SS officers of ZE SOCIAL is imminent. They really need to come up with a reason for everyone constantly having their phone off.
Oh, wait - she actually has one, she just isn't answering. That's an odd injection of realism! Anyway, she's staring wistfully at the tacky reindeer with the broken nose when Shirley finds her again... Given the time of year, who would want to loiter outside in the cold? Lola tells Shirley that while she doesn't like Phil's plan - it's the only one she has!
Don Mitchelloni is telling ZE SOCIAL a pack of lies as he waits for Lola to return while she and Shirley (having achieved a hat trick of unplanned conversations in the Square) sit on the swings, where she tells Lola what a horrible mother she was and how she wishes she could change that and that all she needs is the fighting spirit - the eye of the tiger, if you will!
Sharon has appeared at Phil's house (again) because despite the faux wedding being off, she's apparently still going to be a part of Lexi's care plan... somehow. Phil goes on to mention how he's loved parenting - what with his son he was estranged from for half his childhood, who went on to seriously beat someone with a wrench, planned an elaborate campaign of revenge against him (culminating in an attempt to get him convicted of murder) and of course, his murder and subsequent cover-up of 'Ev... oh and the daughter he has totally forgotten.
Before these thing can be mentioned, Lola rolls in. With the profound sentiment that she wants to be the best mother she can be! Deep. Apparently the Crayon Crew think that the length and breadth of questions asked by ZE SOCIAL is whether you think you'll be a good parent.
With ZE SOCIAL gone, Lola lays down some ground rules... Lexi is her daughter, apparently!
Alfie has clearly spent much of the weekend letting his hamster nearly kill itself from exhaustion as he's STILL staring at the torn off piece of the pawnbroker's slip as Jean comes up and starts nattering incessantly at him but he's so deep in thought he doesn't even notice. Roused from his pontifications, he asks Jean if she has lent Kat any money... which is ridiculous, why would she borrow money behind Alfie's back? And didn't she pawn the ring because the Vic was in financial difficulty (again) or did they just ignore that long enough for it to go away?
He appears to be in something of a state until Jean suggests Charlie lent Kat the money and suddenly, Alfie's obnoxious cheeky chappiness is returned to full strength. He and Arfuuuuuuuuuuur are working on the stall and if it wasn't for this weak storyline and the even worse Denise/Ian one, it feels as if Walford's market would have been almost completely forgotten.
Mo - showing too much skin (which is any) for her age AND the time of year - comes to do a small part to diminish hope in the world by reminding us that she's still in this wretched programme and you can hear the clunk of a plot point hitting the ground when she mentions Charlie is broke, followed by the sound of Alfie's brain starting to warm up for some heavy calculations.
He bumps into the Ginger Whinger in the caffffffff who takes the oppurtunity to moan about her inability to buy a tree or presents before sagaciously noting Alfie is uncharacteristically dour in expression. Even Skeletor makes comment on it.
The desperate Alfie goes to the pawnshop - which is conveniently just closing for a moment so the conversation doesn't require an additional set - and talks to the owner on the street, apparently unaware that pawnbrokers aren't ones to give out information on their purchases or sales to just anyone. Alfie tries to bribe the guy but feels it necessary to shout at three particularly loud children who are carolling unattended. Three kids, none of whom can be much older than ten without parental supervision? That's just totally destroyed any suspension of disbelief!
Shouting at children - and getting no answers about the ring - Alfie decides to buy something for Bianca that he describes as "as good as money". That seems random... but he's back to the Vic quick enough, making sure to hide the ring back where he found it. Kat then returns and despite propositioning Alfie, he declines. He then brings up - ever so casually - the subject of the pawn ticket... if only you'd thought to do that to begin with, eh?
Kat - being an idiot - lies and says she binned it. Alie - being an idiot- doesn't challenge her. They deserve one another.
The life sapping battle between Ian - very jocular despite his complete nervous breakdown and regression to catatonic trampoid only a few short months ago - and Denise continues. In a storyline that can only be described as dangerously boring - if your will to live is low, this may well just finish you off but if you must know, Ian is concerned Denise's bananas are too big - possibly an allusion to the very long trade dispute between the EU and WTO!
Or perhaps - given the smirk on Ian's face as they exchange banter - this is opening up the prospect of an Ian/Denise relationship? Oh dear. Banter that runs the length of the episode. Oh dear, oh dear.
Abi reacts to finding the smashed nose of the tacky reindeer as if she'd just seen someone drown a sack of kittens and asks "WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?!" Pretty much anyone on the Square, is the answer to that question. Your own mother callously manipulated a man into burying your father alive and your boyfriend was an accomplice to murder! You'd think she'd have some perspective... Oh an Tanya assures her that her scan results will be fine BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS! She might as well have paint a bullseye on her forehead.
Twitney talks to Lauren about Tyler - as she has remembered they're going out - gushing about what a wonderful boyfriend he is, before Lauren posits (incorrectly) that Joey and Skeletor are back together. Lauren then seems somewhat pleased at Tyler having to break off is plans with Twitney and then contents herself with giving death stares to Skeletor for several hours.
Resulting in Lauren telling her that Joey isn't right for her - at which point it seems common sense might prevail! Oh, right - this is Eastenders. So it doesn't. Lucy doesn't tell Lauren that she didn't sleep with Joey, despite the fact she's obviously aggrieved at this development. Gosh.
Time passes and Lucy confesses that she didn't do anything with Joey because he is in love with someone!
Cora apparently got the job at the laundrette! Perhaps politicians think that Eastenders is reality TV and that jobs can be obtained within under a day? She manages to get Jean to help her with the laundry because she seems to have thought the job involved sitting in the office... and then when Jean says she has to leave, locks her in and exploits a person with mental illness for her own gain. Such a sympathetic character!
Abi walks in on her, looking as if she about to have a heart attack. For some reason, Abi thinks that her grandmother working in the laundrette requires her and her mother to talk... although, this is apparently about Tanya's cancer flu - so, why can't it wait until the end of the work day? Wow... we ACTUALLY saw people working today. Freaky!
Oh and if you're wondering what Alfie got Bianca - you need help. Just kidding, he got them caroling outfits.
Monday, 10 December 2012
Friday, 7 December 2012
Friday 7th December 2012
Alfie is looking out the window at the misery of the Square - complete with an ugly and non-functional reindeer decoration at the Branning house and a magically re-appeared Michael Moon (aka Count Moonula). This leads to Kat referring to herself as a peasant... truer words were ne'er spoken.
Some sagacious financial advice from Alfie - never pay any bills until they are red... clearly, he's unaware that you can still accrue substantial additional charges by virtue of late payments and that final demands are usually more about a last chance to pay what you owe before you get dragged off to court... This piece of apocrypha dispensed, he finds a piece of the slip from the pawn brokers... The hamster is running again.
Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur is helping Alfie sell stuff in the Vic and apparently has to get back to the stall... then why are they selling stuff in the Vic? Count Moonula rolls in and Alfie has a look at that slip from the pawn brokers again. The hamster is going faster!
He walks in to overhears Kat on the phone saying loving things and that hamster is going faster than Usain Bolt now - so despite her saying that it's her father... he checks the phone and finds out... IT'S HER FATHER! Oh but she's going with COUNT MOONULA! The hamster hasn't stopped yet. It's going so fast that Alfie can't process Arfuuuuuuuur's news that there is now fake snow!
Jacknocchio - still vexed by his woman problems - carelessly says that women always let you down... Something that keeps the hamster in Alfie's brain ticking over... let's hope that he's got it properly fed and watered! To add to this (hopefully literal) food for thought, Count Moonula says that you have to take advantage of women before they take advantage of you!
For no reason, Alfie is going through Kat's drawers - always the best place to hide things from people you're living with - and discovers the ring that Kat had bought back for her by the Phantom Shagger. Fortunately, the episode ends before we can hear the screeching of the hamster as the wheel it's in becomes white hot and starts to sear flesh.
Lauren intercepts a letter for her cousin! Which requires him to come round and pick it up - due to plot convenience! OHOH! It's a court summons! He has to scarper when Max returns, enquiring about a replacement for his defective reindeer.
Still looking at his court summons, Joey goes to the caffffff and there's Half-Day Alice - moaning about how she wants Joey to spend Christmas with her and the Hogfather... so, what is your mother going to do? Children can be so cruel, eh?
He returns to the Branning residence (after they have received their very tacky reindeer, talked about Tanya's cancer flu) with a bottle in hand. Prompting Lauren and Tanya to eavesdrop on the conversation between Max and Joey. Max is getting married on CHRISTMAS EVE - what could possibly go wrong?! Anyway, to make sure he properly incurs the wrath of the vengeful gods (or whatever they might be) that watch over Walford - Max makes sure to go on at some length about how great his family is and how great his Christmas is going to be (sans Joey).
Seriously, in Eastenders terms this is like walking up to Thor (or the deity of your choosing), telling him you copulated with his mother, that his genitals are so small, they're not visible to the naked eye and that they're pretty sure a blind cripple could beat him in a fight and then just walking off.
Despite the fact she could drink in the Vic, Lauren (and Skeletor) then go to the club... and it being a Friday... it's pretty dead. JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE! Joey apologises to Skeletor and apparently this immediately leads to her being amiable to offers of sex! They go straight home - despite the fact Joey was working - and then Joey can't go through with it because he loves Lauren! DUN DUN DUN!
He then goes to stand at the front door of the Branning house, ticks the "plead guilty at court" part of his form from earlier and punches the nose off the tacky reindeer... as that's electrical, that's stupid AND dangerous. TWOFER!
Sharon is at the club (goodness, two days in a row!) and then Jack appears and she asks if he doesn't have a drafty warehouse, sorry "gym" to run... goodness, if this keeps up it might appear as if these people have to work for a living! Jack wants to celebrate (WITH LUNCH!) and then decides for no reason, that Shirley was right and that this was all a plan for him to steal the *ahem* "lovely" Sharon from him... apparently, that puts her right off her food.
She's moving her stuff out of Phil's place - what with the faux engagement being off - and Lola sees this and suddenly has a shouty, teary breakdown... wow, she's taking the pretend break-up harder than expected! She storms off but Sharon finds her at the cafffffffffff, where Lola begs her to go back to faking a relationship.
An unimpressed Shirley watches as Sharon offers hollow words of encouragement and when Sharon leaves, makes sure to take the time to tell the vulnerable and emotional single teenage mother that the pretend break-up of the fake relationship spells the end of Phil's attempt to reclaim her child from the SS Officers OF ZE SOCIAL! Who are probably already teaching baby Lexi how to goose step and salute the Fuhrer if the mindset of the Crayon Crew has remained even vaguely similar since she was abducted.
Lola and Shirley stop by the club and Sharon is somehow expected to know whether ZE SOCIAL are going to let Lola keep Lexi... Uh, why would she know? She's no more likely to know than anyone else and then she says that both she and Shirley loved Phil - so he must be a good person. Resisting the temptation to Godwin that... has she never heard of an abusive relationship? Hell, Shirley was with Phil when he was on crack - it's more a testament to the fact love exists outside reason and logic than to any inherent goodness.
Fortunately, Shirley says that's all nonsense and Lola runs off crying. She also points out that Phil is going to exploit the vulnerable Lola but is rebuffed with the promise that she and Phil are going to look out for Lola... DUN DUN DUN!
The conversation starts to feel a little surreal as Shirley joins Lola in the caffffff (again), after Lola has shouted at Poxy for having TWO babies, when she has none... it just seems no conversation can be entirely conducted in one location! The grizzled Shirley tells Lola that Phil isn't the answer
The recently lobotomised Denise is - having taken some advise from Ian and Cora - is apparently now planning a DIABOLICAL BUSINESS SCHEME, in a storyline that will challenge many people's will to live. Ian is horrified when Ray wheels a FRUIT 'N' VEG stand outside and it's going to be Caribbean style because... uh, don't ask relevant questions!
The ginger whinger Bianca and her formerly hat wearing son Liam are discussing their wretched Christmas tree again... With Bianca turning down offers of help from Liam and saying she'll get it herself. Then we see Derek in the kitchen AGAIN - are we sure he's not living in there. Liam - showing he's not quite as stupid as his father - says Derek could just buy them a tree, prompting shouting between the Ginger Whinger and Misery Guts Carol.
She comes into the caffffffff later, bemoaning that she has enough tips to buy a twig and her Misery Guts mum, always sympathetic... says she shouldn't have made a promise she couldn't keep... or perhaps she could just have accepted some of the money people offered her? More moaning, more whinging... Bianca is starting to give Billy Mitchell a run for his money in the pathetic loser stakes and that takes some doing!
OH! But they got a tree anyway and she gets to hug her kids - aww.
As there isn't enough pointlessness going on - Kim and Ray talk about rings... why is this man with a woman who has the mental age of a toddler? It's surely only a matter of time until we have a hard hitting storyline about the SS Officers of ZE SOCIAL taking Kim into care!
Some sagacious financial advice from Alfie - never pay any bills until they are red... clearly, he's unaware that you can still accrue substantial additional charges by virtue of late payments and that final demands are usually more about a last chance to pay what you owe before you get dragged off to court... This piece of apocrypha dispensed, he finds a piece of the slip from the pawn brokers... The hamster is running again.
Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur is helping Alfie sell stuff in the Vic and apparently has to get back to the stall... then why are they selling stuff in the Vic? Count Moonula rolls in and Alfie has a look at that slip from the pawn brokers again. The hamster is going faster!
He walks in to overhears Kat on the phone saying loving things and that hamster is going faster than Usain Bolt now - so despite her saying that it's her father... he checks the phone and finds out... IT'S HER FATHER! Oh but she's going with COUNT MOONULA! The hamster hasn't stopped yet. It's going so fast that Alfie can't process Arfuuuuuuuur's news that there is now fake snow!
Jacknocchio - still vexed by his woman problems - carelessly says that women always let you down... Something that keeps the hamster in Alfie's brain ticking over... let's hope that he's got it properly fed and watered! To add to this (hopefully literal) food for thought, Count Moonula says that you have to take advantage of women before they take advantage of you!
For no reason, Alfie is going through Kat's drawers - always the best place to hide things from people you're living with - and discovers the ring that Kat had bought back for her by the Phantom Shagger. Fortunately, the episode ends before we can hear the screeching of the hamster as the wheel it's in becomes white hot and starts to sear flesh.
Lauren intercepts a letter for her cousin! Which requires him to come round and pick it up - due to plot convenience! OHOH! It's a court summons! He has to scarper when Max returns, enquiring about a replacement for his defective reindeer.
Still looking at his court summons, Joey goes to the caffffff and there's Half-Day Alice - moaning about how she wants Joey to spend Christmas with her and the Hogfather... so, what is your mother going to do? Children can be so cruel, eh?
He returns to the Branning residence (after they have received their very tacky reindeer, talked about Tanya's cancer flu) with a bottle in hand. Prompting Lauren and Tanya to eavesdrop on the conversation between Max and Joey. Max is getting married on CHRISTMAS EVE - what could possibly go wrong?! Anyway, to make sure he properly incurs the wrath of the vengeful gods (or whatever they might be) that watch over Walford - Max makes sure to go on at some length about how great his family is and how great his Christmas is going to be (sans Joey).
Seriously, in Eastenders terms this is like walking up to Thor (or the deity of your choosing), telling him you copulated with his mother, that his genitals are so small, they're not visible to the naked eye and that they're pretty sure a blind cripple could beat him in a fight and then just walking off.
Despite the fact she could drink in the Vic, Lauren (and Skeletor) then go to the club... and it being a Friday... it's pretty dead. JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE! Joey apologises to Skeletor and apparently this immediately leads to her being amiable to offers of sex! They go straight home - despite the fact Joey was working - and then Joey can't go through with it because he loves Lauren! DUN DUN DUN!
He then goes to stand at the front door of the Branning house, ticks the "plead guilty at court" part of his form from earlier and punches the nose off the tacky reindeer... as that's electrical, that's stupid AND dangerous. TWOFER!
Sharon is at the club (goodness, two days in a row!) and then Jack appears and she asks if he doesn't have a drafty warehouse, sorry "gym" to run... goodness, if this keeps up it might appear as if these people have to work for a living! Jack wants to celebrate (WITH LUNCH!) and then decides for no reason, that Shirley was right and that this was all a plan for him to steal the *ahem* "lovely" Sharon from him... apparently, that puts her right off her food.
She's moving her stuff out of Phil's place - what with the faux engagement being off - and Lola sees this and suddenly has a shouty, teary breakdown... wow, she's taking the pretend break-up harder than expected! She storms off but Sharon finds her at the cafffffffffff, where Lola begs her to go back to faking a relationship.
An unimpressed Shirley watches as Sharon offers hollow words of encouragement and when Sharon leaves, makes sure to take the time to tell the vulnerable and emotional single teenage mother that the pretend break-up of the fake relationship spells the end of Phil's attempt to reclaim her child from the SS Officers OF ZE SOCIAL! Who are probably already teaching baby Lexi how to goose step and salute the Fuhrer if the mindset of the Crayon Crew has remained even vaguely similar since she was abducted.
Lola and Shirley stop by the club and Sharon is somehow expected to know whether ZE SOCIAL are going to let Lola keep Lexi... Uh, why would she know? She's no more likely to know than anyone else and then she says that both she and Shirley loved Phil - so he must be a good person. Resisting the temptation to Godwin that... has she never heard of an abusive relationship? Hell, Shirley was with Phil when he was on crack - it's more a testament to the fact love exists outside reason and logic than to any inherent goodness.
Fortunately, Shirley says that's all nonsense and Lola runs off crying. She also points out that Phil is going to exploit the vulnerable Lola but is rebuffed with the promise that she and Phil are going to look out for Lola... DUN DUN DUN!
The conversation starts to feel a little surreal as Shirley joins Lola in the caffffff (again), after Lola has shouted at Poxy for having TWO babies, when she has none... it just seems no conversation can be entirely conducted in one location! The grizzled Shirley tells Lola that Phil isn't the answer
The recently lobotomised Denise is - having taken some advise from Ian and Cora - is apparently now planning a DIABOLICAL BUSINESS SCHEME, in a storyline that will challenge many people's will to live. Ian is horrified when Ray wheels a FRUIT 'N' VEG stand outside and it's going to be Caribbean style because... uh, don't ask relevant questions!
The ginger whinger Bianca and her formerly hat wearing son Liam are discussing their wretched Christmas tree again... With Bianca turning down offers of help from Liam and saying she'll get it herself. Then we see Derek in the kitchen AGAIN - are we sure he's not living in there. Liam - showing he's not quite as stupid as his father - says Derek could just buy them a tree, prompting shouting between the Ginger Whinger and Misery Guts Carol.
She comes into the caffffffff later, bemoaning that she has enough tips to buy a twig and her Misery Guts mum, always sympathetic... says she shouldn't have made a promise she couldn't keep... or perhaps she could just have accepted some of the money people offered her? More moaning, more whinging... Bianca is starting to give Billy Mitchell a run for his money in the pathetic loser stakes and that takes some doing!
OH! But they got a tree anyway and she gets to hug her kids - aww.
As there isn't enough pointlessness going on - Kim and Ray talk about rings... why is this man with a woman who has the mental age of a toddler? It's surely only a matter of time until we have a hard hitting storyline about the SS Officers of ZE SOCIAL taking Kim into care!
Thursday, 6 December 2012
Thursday 6th December 2012
Phil is in a FAAAAAAAAAMMMMMLLLEEEEEEE mood and is morosely staring at pictures of FAAAAAAMMMMMLLEEEEE, picture that magically appeared in his house. All this nostalgia makes him call up Sharon - only for Jacknocchio to see her mobile and decline the call, prompting Phil to go around for a friendly visit.
Friendly visit entails Phil hammering on the door as if there's a fire because he needs to speak to Sharon NOWWWWWWHHH! About things that happened last night... actually, it wasn't even last night unless Walford's days have become even more erratic in their length... regardless, Jack suggests Sharon might be having second thoughts about the engagement after what Shirley said and then goes on to mention that the social "aren't stupid"... not an opinion the Crayon Crew share, nor one borne out by their actions, Jack.
He then makes a none too subtle suggestion that he might tip them off, leading Phil to threaten him but despite being Walford's crime boss, he hasn't remembered one thing! The social don't like granddads that start fights! Scuppered by the bleedin' obvious!
His attempts at threatening Jack having utterly failed, he then goes to the caffffff to try and intimidate Shirley... which is probably even more stupid and more counter-productive, especially as she has nothing to lose by pointing out the fraud Phil and Sharon are perpetrating... but no, naturally Phil has to go and tell her it's time to sling 'er 'ook and then she says she's going to stay around to see it all blow up in his face.
Apparently there's some complication with his application and he calls Sharon (who isn't answering again) and so, as people seem to have given up on the use of mobile phones for most of the day, he goes to the club - worried about a surprise inspection from the SS officers of THE SOCIAL.
Phil is paranoid about the whole thing, ranting about how he's doing it all for Lexi (we believe you, Phil!) and Sharon chimes in by saying that all they need to do is tell them all a pack of lies and everything will be alright... because naturally, being in a situation where they're exposed to people that lie on a daily basis means that the people they send out are all gullible mugs... let's just hope this doesn't start tapping into the vitriolic hatred of the social services we had when Lexi was pried from Lola's arms...
Perhaps to try and make the social worker (or foster support or whatever) more sympathetic, he's in a wheelchair and he stopped by because he was in the area... really? Social workers just call up five minutes before and stop by because they were in the area? Sometimes it's almost too easy to lose yourself in the realism of Eastenders!
The social worker reveals that planning is an important part of being a parent, which causes Phil to make a none too subtle comment about him being in a wheelchair as a reference to his opinion of the futility of plans. In fact, Phil is doing just about everything he can to act in a manner that makes it seem as if he's as enthused about his relationship with Sharon and the prospect of fostering Lexi as most people would be at a root canal without anaesthesia.
Finally, Phil apparently gets tired of Sharon trying to be reasonable and just flat out says he knows someone called THE SOCIAL and so, just goes ahead and says that he and Sharon have called off their (fake) engagement... but after going nuclear with this revelation, it turns out that no one had called THE SOCIAL and so, he did it all for nought... not a good day for Walford's crimelord! To make himself feel better, he undermines Sharon's relationship with Jacknocchio by telling her about his conversation with him, oh and then goes to threaten Jack (again) by telling him that he's going to hold him responsible if he doesn't get Lexi back.
The horror of Kalfie strikes! We see Kat putting on her make-up (presumably just after she finished using her trowel applicator), a scene somewhat analogous to seeing Darth Vader sans helmet and despite having JUST returned on Monday from a trip to acquire merchandise, Alfie has to go off and run errands again... what could this mean?
Alfie and Jean have a meaningless conversation that will have you slipping into a coma but then Kat returns and the invisible but troublesome Tommy raises his head and Alfie mentions... THE CANDLES! DUN DUN DUN! Instead of getting one and not putting it in the window, Kat starts doing whenever the Phantom Shagger storyline rears its ugly head - acts SUPER suspicious... fortunately for her, Alfie is as oblivious as always.
Poxy swans into the Vic as she's apparently putting in one of her five monthly minutes on the position of Vic manager. Poxy mentions that they closed early and THIS (rather than ALL the other suspicious behaviour) is what starts to make Alfie think something is amiss. Later on, Denise is in the Vic and tells him that despite what Kat said THERE ARE NO SCENTED CANDLES AT THE MINUTE-MART! DUN DUN DUN! It's a shame Kat didn't remember that it was Jean's scented candle and she got it Patrick. Alfie asks her about it again and she says she got them at the Minute-Mart at which point, the sound of the hamster in Alfie's brain becomes audible.
Half-Day Alice is reminded she has a job but barely registers the fact - DOHOHOHO! - and is just sitting around being mopey... just when you thought her character couldn't get any more XTREME they go and do this!
The extreme tedium of Half-Day Alice is sufficient that the Hogfather has to go and see Carol about it. Carol is somehow able to recall that Alice has a mother (also that she left all her friends etc.) and can understand why Alice might want to go back... so, the Hogfather decides to try and bribe Carol into being Alice's mother or something.
Cora and Pointless Poppy have a chat, which leads precisely nowhere as Cora waxes nostalgic while Pointless Poppy doesn't so much miss the point but moves to a universe where the laws of physics do not allow such a thing as a point to exist, concluding with Cora saying she's going to get her life BACK ON TRACK! Better late than never... although, it would seem prudent to start with funeral arrangements.
No, she's apparently looking for a new job. Pointless Poppy finds her and asks how this will pay the rent... but that begs the question, how does being a volunteer in a charity shop pay the rent? Seems like she's going to go for Dot's old job... despite the fact Dot was pretty much fired because they decided they didn't need her. The whole exchange with Pointless Poppy is sufficient to make Cora look as if someone has started drilling into her brain with a powerdrill though, something most could relate to.
As it's a storyline that got dropped like a sack of potatoes weeks ago and has not even been whispered in the interim, Kim tells her sister that the B&B is BACK IN BUSINESS! This was after the "comedy" shenanigans with the best actor in recent years - a mouse - led to the place being shut down. It's just elf and safety gone mad, isn't it?
Just to remind us of the truly bottomless stupidity of this programme, Denise berates her sister for going to the cash and carry instead of using the minute-mart... Support your local shops, she says... Anyone this stupid must struggle to drink from the right end of a glass. Furthermore, Kim's justification isn't the vast difference in price but rather variety... There are no words.
Ian - having forgotten about his mental illness again and apparently 100% fine - watches this display and is well enough to make a sarcastic comment. Just as well nervous breakdowns have no lasting repercussions, eh? But give it a few days and he'll probably be a gibbering wreck again. Both he and Kim comment on the shop though and Denise, feeling immensely stupid today, decides to take action!
So, later we have her springing on the witless Poxy with a customer satisfaction survey. This prompts Poxy to suggest that she needs "an angle". IT HAS AN ANGLE! IT'S A LOCAL SHOP! How much more cretinous can this possibly get? The mere notion of anyone being able to take business advice from a woman that managed to go from having millions in cash (and millions more in assets) to penniless and almost on the street in UNDER SIX MONTHS with a straight face is just a joke... besides, Denise just needs to ignore her problems and they'll disappear!
Friendly visit entails Phil hammering on the door as if there's a fire because he needs to speak to Sharon NOWWWWWWHHH! About things that happened last night... actually, it wasn't even last night unless Walford's days have become even more erratic in their length... regardless, Jack suggests Sharon might be having second thoughts about the engagement after what Shirley said and then goes on to mention that the social "aren't stupid"... not an opinion the Crayon Crew share, nor one borne out by their actions, Jack.
He then makes a none too subtle suggestion that he might tip them off, leading Phil to threaten him but despite being Walford's crime boss, he hasn't remembered one thing! The social don't like granddads that start fights! Scuppered by the bleedin' obvious!
His attempts at threatening Jack having utterly failed, he then goes to the caffffff to try and intimidate Shirley... which is probably even more stupid and more counter-productive, especially as she has nothing to lose by pointing out the fraud Phil and Sharon are perpetrating... but no, naturally Phil has to go and tell her it's time to sling 'er 'ook and then she says she's going to stay around to see it all blow up in his face.
Apparently there's some complication with his application and he calls Sharon (who isn't answering again) and so, as people seem to have given up on the use of mobile phones for most of the day, he goes to the club - worried about a surprise inspection from the SS officers of THE SOCIAL.
Phil is paranoid about the whole thing, ranting about how he's doing it all for Lexi (we believe you, Phil!) and Sharon chimes in by saying that all they need to do is tell them all a pack of lies and everything will be alright... because naturally, being in a situation where they're exposed to people that lie on a daily basis means that the people they send out are all gullible mugs... let's just hope this doesn't start tapping into the vitriolic hatred of the social services we had when Lexi was pried from Lola's arms...
Perhaps to try and make the social worker (or foster support or whatever) more sympathetic, he's in a wheelchair and he stopped by because he was in the area... really? Social workers just call up five minutes before and stop by because they were in the area? Sometimes it's almost too easy to lose yourself in the realism of Eastenders!
The social worker reveals that planning is an important part of being a parent, which causes Phil to make a none too subtle comment about him being in a wheelchair as a reference to his opinion of the futility of plans. In fact, Phil is doing just about everything he can to act in a manner that makes it seem as if he's as enthused about his relationship with Sharon and the prospect of fostering Lexi as most people would be at a root canal without anaesthesia.
Finally, Phil apparently gets tired of Sharon trying to be reasonable and just flat out says he knows someone called THE SOCIAL and so, just goes ahead and says that he and Sharon have called off their (fake) engagement... but after going nuclear with this revelation, it turns out that no one had called THE SOCIAL and so, he did it all for nought... not a good day for Walford's crimelord! To make himself feel better, he undermines Sharon's relationship with Jacknocchio by telling her about his conversation with him, oh and then goes to threaten Jack (again) by telling him that he's going to hold him responsible if he doesn't get Lexi back.
The horror of Kalfie strikes! We see Kat putting on her make-up (presumably just after she finished using her trowel applicator), a scene somewhat analogous to seeing Darth Vader sans helmet and despite having JUST returned on Monday from a trip to acquire merchandise, Alfie has to go off and run errands again... what could this mean?
Alfie and Jean have a meaningless conversation that will have you slipping into a coma but then Kat returns and the invisible but troublesome Tommy raises his head and Alfie mentions... THE CANDLES! DUN DUN DUN! Instead of getting one and not putting it in the window, Kat starts doing whenever the Phantom Shagger storyline rears its ugly head - acts SUPER suspicious... fortunately for her, Alfie is as oblivious as always.
Poxy swans into the Vic as she's apparently putting in one of her five monthly minutes on the position of Vic manager. Poxy mentions that they closed early and THIS (rather than ALL the other suspicious behaviour) is what starts to make Alfie think something is amiss. Later on, Denise is in the Vic and tells him that despite what Kat said THERE ARE NO SCENTED CANDLES AT THE MINUTE-MART! DUN DUN DUN! It's a shame Kat didn't remember that it was Jean's scented candle and she got it Patrick. Alfie asks her about it again and she says she got them at the Minute-Mart at which point, the sound of the hamster in Alfie's brain becomes audible.
Half-Day Alice is reminded she has a job but barely registers the fact - DOHOHOHO! - and is just sitting around being mopey... just when you thought her character couldn't get any more XTREME they go and do this!
The extreme tedium of Half-Day Alice is sufficient that the Hogfather has to go and see Carol about it. Carol is somehow able to recall that Alice has a mother (also that she left all her friends etc.) and can understand why Alice might want to go back... so, the Hogfather decides to try and bribe Carol into being Alice's mother or something.
Cora and Pointless Poppy have a chat, which leads precisely nowhere as Cora waxes nostalgic while Pointless Poppy doesn't so much miss the point but moves to a universe where the laws of physics do not allow such a thing as a point to exist, concluding with Cora saying she's going to get her life BACK ON TRACK! Better late than never... although, it would seem prudent to start with funeral arrangements.
No, she's apparently looking for a new job. Pointless Poppy finds her and asks how this will pay the rent... but that begs the question, how does being a volunteer in a charity shop pay the rent? Seems like she's going to go for Dot's old job... despite the fact Dot was pretty much fired because they decided they didn't need her. The whole exchange with Pointless Poppy is sufficient to make Cora look as if someone has started drilling into her brain with a powerdrill though, something most could relate to.
As it's a storyline that got dropped like a sack of potatoes weeks ago and has not even been whispered in the interim, Kim tells her sister that the B&B is BACK IN BUSINESS! This was after the "comedy" shenanigans with the best actor in recent years - a mouse - led to the place being shut down. It's just elf and safety gone mad, isn't it?
Just to remind us of the truly bottomless stupidity of this programme, Denise berates her sister for going to the cash and carry instead of using the minute-mart... Support your local shops, she says... Anyone this stupid must struggle to drink from the right end of a glass. Furthermore, Kim's justification isn't the vast difference in price but rather variety... There are no words.
Ian - having forgotten about his mental illness again and apparently 100% fine - watches this display and is well enough to make a sarcastic comment. Just as well nervous breakdowns have no lasting repercussions, eh? But give it a few days and he'll probably be a gibbering wreck again. Both he and Kim comment on the shop though and Denise, feeling immensely stupid today, decides to take action!
So, later we have her springing on the witless Poxy with a customer satisfaction survey. This prompts Poxy to suggest that she needs "an angle". IT HAS AN ANGLE! IT'S A LOCAL SHOP! How much more cretinous can this possibly get? The mere notion of anyone being able to take business advice from a woman that managed to go from having millions in cash (and millions more in assets) to penniless and almost on the street in UNDER SIX MONTHS with a straight face is just a joke... besides, Denise just needs to ignore her problems and they'll disappear!
Tuesday, 4 December 2012
Tuesday 4th December 2012
Shirley is in the B&B, her normal cheery self but tells Denise (who has pulled herself out of the temporal nexus she keeps getting sucked into) that she's staying. Cue some more patented Eastender dramatic irony with Sharon reassuring Phil that Shirley was just hear for sentencing (then why didn't Phil see her in the court?) and now she'll be on her way.
Don Mitchelloni being a part-time theoretical physicist though, is aware that the strongest force in the Eastenders universe ISN'T the stronger nuclear force but is actually spite (followed by idiocy, plot convenience and amnesia) and is hence able to deduce by a series of painstaking calculations that Shirley is going to make things hard on him, as she's the only person who manages to remember 'Ev and actually cares about her murder.
Phil then says he's off to the prison and Sharon points out that you can't visit a prisoner if they don't want to see you... it's just a shame she doesn't mention you don't just drop by a prison and ask if you can see your murderous son when you feel like it but that hasn't occurred to anyone in the past decade or two so why change now? We also find out that Phil had stopped by Sharon's at 07:30... why? Couldn't they have discussed this LAST NIGHT?
Jacknocchio barges in after Phil heads off, expressing his displeasure at such an early visit from her pretend fiancée but Sharon has been around the block a few (hundred thousand) times and knows that all it takes to charm Jacknocchio is asking him to have lunch with her in the flat (why not treat yourself and go to the caffffffff?). He's still cross but when Sharon restates the lunch date, he seems somewhat placated.
Shirley decides to exercise her frustrations on Jay, who makes the mistake of saying that Phil has been punished enough. It seems more likely Jay meant the people that watch Eastenders have been punished enough... regardless, Shirley drags him to 'Ev's flat and does the paint-by-numbers "Phil is terrible" speech before she finds out that Lexi is in care and that Phil is trying to get custody. She reacts as social services should have when they saw his application, so in shock that she doesn't react when Jay says he won't help her in her plans for vengeance and walks off.
Shirley goes to visit Sharon - seeing the "romantic lunch for two" - and immediately starts asking about the custody... she doesn't point out that it's clearly being obtained under false pretences but instead suggests that she and Phil are more than friends before going through the highlight reel of Phil and Shirley's relationship, which includes such highlights as him vomiting on himself in the shower, cheating on her, burning down the Vic and CRACK. It seems Shirley's raison d'etre is now to prevent Phil getting custody of Lexi - well, that's easy! Just shop Phil to the police for perverting the course of justice or tell the social services that Sharon isn't really his fiancée!
Jack returns as Shirley is leaving - Walford might be a nightmarish hell from which death is the only real escape but people do manage to time manage better than the Swiss on steroids! - and expresses further displeasure at the extent to which Sharon's life is being dragged down by her faux relationship. Despite this being just about the most reasonable reaction one could expect and Jack having shown REMARKABLE patience with this whole idiotic debacle, Sharon strops off.
Arriving in the salon, she tells Lola to keep her distance from Shirley and not to talk about the delicate web of lies that they have spun and also not to tell her that Ben is the father of her daughter. This immediately prompts her to go to the laundrette... where Shirley is JUST WALKING IN! Timing! Cue generic "Phil isn't doing this for you." speech and "He was here, you weren't" riposte... which leads to her dropping the bombshell that Phil and Sharon are trying to get custody or at least, they treat it as if it's a bombshell even though it's something Shirley MUST have worked out or been told.
Phil returns to his house to find Shirley and Lola there. Shirley seems to think Phil is in this for some cheap thrills with Sharon and inevitably, Shirley threatens to expose this lie. She REALLY seems fixated on this idea that Phil is using this bizarre situation to hook up with her... but then, when did anything in Eastenders ever make any sense?
So idiotic is this idea that Phil even points out that it's idiotic. Phil then goes on to say (with Lola listening at that) that he lied to her and that he'd do it all again, just to protect Gok Ben... even though Gok Ben has decided (again) that he doesn't want to know. He misses a good opportunity to say that with Lola and Lexi it's about FAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMLLLEEEEEEE but says if he had what Shirley had (a daughter and granddaughter - apparently Dino has died) he'd be on the first train out of there... and asks why she is there, to which she replies "I'm done here."
She wishes Jay and Denise a fond farewell (or the Eastenders equivalent, thereof) at the B&B but JUST as she is about to leave, Denise mentions that it's BEN'S BABY! She storms out, just as Sharon and Jacknocchio have rendezvoused with Phil and Lola (what fabulous choreography!) to give Phil the third degree before telling everyone they're stupid, oh and that Phil is trying to get Sharon. A good way to get your point across there, Shirley - alienate the people who you're trying to help.
Not to mention it seems RIDICULOUS to just throw the whole Sharon stealing angle into this. That seems to be a very strange conclusion to draw, especially when your whole reason for coming to it in the first place was that there was no other reason you could see it being something that benefited Phil. Now, apparently you think he wants to have his cake and eat it? Given that he's one of Walford's many improbable lotharios, surely he could just get someone younger and prettier without all the baggage? Oh, right - that would make too much sense!
Bianca is showing her depression the only way anyone in Eastenders ever seems to convey depression by sitting in a darkened room... at least it saves on energy bills. Carol finds her but doesn't remark upon it, although Morgan does ask why she's doing it. Derek is also at breakfast and that's so incomprehensible that even Carol has to essentially ask why he's there, as he's moved... to which his reply is "moved out - not anorexic!" Someone should probably call an ambulance, the man has had a stroke. Bianca then promises (again) that she will make lots of money and buy the best Christmas tree ever... what could fate have in store for the ginger winger today, eh?
Unbeknownst to the ginger brood leader - her mother has given Tanya money to pass her as a tip in one of those typical plots in soaps that backfires more often than the contraptions of one Wile E. Coyote. Ignorant of these matriarchal machinations, she tries to pal up to Pointless Poppy with all the wit and guile of a drunken ox - keen to get more than her fair share of the tips but even the woman without a brain isn't falling for Bianca's "I thought we were mates"... wow, that's pretty much "I'll be your best friend", a line people generally think is childish by the age of eight. Perhaps in Walford depression (outside of being symptomless when you're not in a darkened room) also has a ruinous effect on cognitive function... or Bianca stopped by Walford General on the way home and got the Poxy brain buster special.
Bianca whinges to Tanya about how Lola is hogging all the tips, loudly bemoaning how unprofessional it is and just generally acting in a way that would have even the most forgiving of people want to have her vivisected. Tanya tells them to take turns (did they forget as it was Pointless Poppy's suggestion) and asks Bianca not to raise her voice in the salon... Something almost as pointless as asking a volcano to stop being quite so hot.
Denise is searching her wallet for a tip - having complimented the service - and spills some of her change out, causing Bianca to immediately bemoan this insulting amount of money and (DRAMATIC IRONY ALERT! DRAMATIC IRONY ALERT!) then Denise reveals she was looking for a fiver and walk straight into Tanya, who miraculously doesn't fire her but says that she should go home and try again tomorrow.
Bianca wanders back home to be asked how much money she has made... and walks right back out the door again... and Derek is STILL there. Why did he bother getting his own house if he's apparently trapped in the kitchen of another house?
Tanya - is worried about THE CANCER FLU again but just like before she wants to keep this totally secret, even though she has no reason to think her cancer flu has returned. This time it's Abi that seems to be aware but this is temporarily pushed aside as Lauren lumbers down the staircase hungover and in her Freddie Krueger sweater.
Abi decides to talk to her sister... even though she has a few minutes before class (people in Walford still go to school? Since when?!) and tells Lauren drinking isn't the answer! Abi bemoans that when this all happens, it's because there's a big secret and is presumably hit by space radiation or something as she is transformed into THE HUMAN LIE DETECTOR! Immediately able to discern the truth of any statement Lauren makes!
Lauren - presumably keen to avoid the fact she and Joey were about to run away to undertake an incestuous relationship - throws out the fact that they have a long lost secret mixed race aunt that their grandmother never told them about. Realising this was probably pretty stupid, she then says she was joking but she's forgotten that having been bitten by a radioactive polygraph, Abi is THE HUMAN LIE DETECTOR!
She goes to the salon but leaves the moment Bianca mentions the scan Tanya mentioned earlier and then bumps into Cora (See! Perfect timing! Eat your heart out you neutral, cuckoo clock producing Toblerone munchers!), who is curious as to why Abi has left her a lot of messages... so, despite living just across the Square - she couldn't go and see her? Lauren reveals that she mentioned it, Cora lashes out, Lauren responds by mentioning the scan and not much of anything is achieved.
Abi - having remembered it will take her all of thirty seconds to get to her grandmother's flat - goes to see her and here we go with the story of Ava again. Her recounting of this tale is like a bus - none for 48 years and then a bajillionty come along at once. Abi is able to user her incredible new superpower to tell Cora that she actually wants to talk to Ava!
Knowing that with great power, comes great responsibility, Abi dedicates her life to righting wrongs and fighting injustice! Nah, she just gives her sister a hug as she finds her drinking and emotional. Aww. Let's see how understanding she is when she finds out that her sister is in love with their cousin...
Cora goes to see Ava and gives her a silver bracelet that she was given by Ava's biological father as well as a letter before walking off. What could it possibly say?
Monday, 3 December 2012
Monday 3rd December 2012
Phil and Ian get up, all dressed up - which can only mean they're off to court but their exchanging of meaningful stares is interrupted by the return of Arfuuuuuuuurrrrr and Alfie. Where's a maritime tragedy when you need one? Sharon asks Phil if he's OK, eliciting a grunt from him and then Ian seems to remember that he had a mental breakdown (one so bad he sometimes acts as if he never had it!) sitting on the stair before saying that he isn't going to Skeletor (Lucy Beale).
Skeletor - suddenly acting as if she actually cares about her father - tells Phil that her father isn't upto seeing Ben but Phil "ain't 'avin' this!" Although, that's probably a slightly better grasp of mental health issues than any of the Crayon Crew have. Fortunately, Sharon turns up and just by saying "Phil?" he runs off.
Jay opens the door and exchanges meaningful glances with Phil before returning inside to pace in front of Abi (apparently he'll just get a slap on the wrist!), while Sharon - apparently unperturbed her previous interaction moments ago led to Phil walking away without a word - points out that it might be a bit suspicious if she (pretending to be his fiance) doesn't go to a hearing with him... because it's not as if this is the real world and people might not be able to get the time off work or anything!
She reassures Jacknocchio - who is actually being terribly accepting of Sharon's law breaking faux relationship with Phil - that she's just helping out but even the wooden Jacknocchio has to bristle a bit at the situation. He really should be more irritated - Sharon playing house with an old flame in a clearly illegal gambit to get Phil custody of a child? In a world where people are almost always as illogical and unreasonable as one could conceive - Jacknoccio is actually guilty of being TOO understanding and TOO reasonable here.
Meanwhile, Ian (having managed to forget about his breakdown again) says he could have fixed all of this by telling Ben to retract his statement. Apparently that would have magically fixed everything and in a rare moment of Eastenders being realistic, Ian concedes that it's just wishful thinking... that's our reality quota for the next few years met and then some!
Phil returns and we find out that Gok Ben has been sent down for four years and Jay has been given COMMUNITY SERVICE! DUN DUN DUN! This is so depressing that Jay goes to sit in the Arches (not as if it has seen much use in the past few months), playing with a lighter until Don Mitchelloni comes in. Jay remarks on the story they cooked up not being up to much and it goes into the predictable "I could have stopped him."
Apparently it's OK though, Phil knew that Gok Ben was a "timebomb" and that if it wasn't 'Ev, it would have been someone else. Then Phil launches into HIS regret speech! Yawn. This leads to him forgiving Jay unconditionally (until his next characteristic change of heart) and gives him the best piece of advice anyone can ever give you in Walford - "get out". A handshake and tearful hug with all the emotional impact of losing some of your digestive in your tea ensues.
Somehow, Sharon is outside JUST as Jay exits... everyone seems to be standing around outside without coats a lot given the fact it's December... He then goes to give Abi a hug, which is unfortunately shot in such a way that his smile looks hilariously creepy rather than touching.
Sharon tells Phil that he needs to try and do things right with Lexi, only for a familiar raspy voice to say "'Ow sweeet." It looks like... SHIRLEY HAS RETURNED!
Alfie gets into the Vic where Jean instantly says that Kat received a call FROM A MYSTERY LOVER (he doesn't look too happy at that - even though she was joking) before Derek and Jacknocchio come to see what goodies Walford's most irritating cheeky chappy has brought back from Germany. He then uploads all this junk right outside the Vic - even Poxy remarks on the idiocy.
He then has to try and call his beloved slag of a wife because she hasn't answered her phone. DUN DUN DUN! Perhaps the Phantom Shagger has become the PHANTOM SERIAL KILLER! No, it seems unlikely the Crayon Crew would be sufficiently imaginative or merciful enough to have offed Kat... so we cut to later and Alfie has somehow procured a stall from which to hawk his German tat - bringing him into conflict with Derek, who being the interim Walford crimeboss (while Phil stares at people and deflates) is running dodgy gear from under a market stall... on a busy thorough fare in broad daylight. It's so stupid, it's GENIUS!
Arfuuuuuur spots Pointless Poppy and becomes a little too flush with confidence, goading Derek by calling him a chicken. Derek McFly Branning can't stand people calling him chicken though and so the two stalls are now engaged in... A BATTLE TO THE DEATH... meaning, whoever makes the most gives up their Christmas Eve's takings! DUN DUN DUN! He's taking this competition so seriously, that he immediately leaves and takes Pointless Poppy an early Christmas present - a tacky snowglobe... but this is Pointless Poppy.
Kat returns - having apparently been incapable of answering her phone all day - and shows Alfie a present she got him. He then adds another paragraph or two to the hagiography of St. Alfie of Walford by presenting her with a necklace that has similar stones to that of the ring which she pawned (and the Phantom Shagger returned). Kat does another, "I feel so bad!" speech.
Lauren starts asking about Ava - yawn. Can't she go back to being long lost? Then she's off to visit Cora to do some boozing but Cora shows some rare common sense and tells her that it's a bad idea. That just leaves Lauren and the bottle of booze but apparently the jam on her forehead seems to be almost gone. This allows her to prepare for Monday night - which as we know IS PARTY NIGHT! So, she turns up to the club half-cut and it is HEAVING!
Given her current animosity toward Joey (and indeed, that of both Skeletor AND Twitney toward him... but then they seem to have forgotten the falling out they had with Lauren, so it's another shake of the etch-a-sketch memories all round, apparently), the club seems a strange choice of venues... being a badly written drunk, the first thing she does is knock something clumsily to the floor before shouting abuse at Joey and leaving.
Except she doesn't leave! She's still confused by Joey's actions and Joey both looking and thinking like a glass of water doesn't just tell her that his father is blackmailing him and so, Lauren forlornly sits on the stairs of the club, posing a major fire hazard and a big 'elf and safety violation. Really, she needs to get back to her MEGA-FRINGE to really work the emo-vibe. Think of all the emoting that could be down purely by hairflicks... and when half of the relationship is Joey "The Cliff" Branning, you need all the emoting you can get.
Bianca has (another) trial at the salon and Carol offers some encouragement by pointing the last one went belly up. This leads to her making promises that will be broken almost as certainly as the sun rises. As predicted, Lola and Bianca doing their trial at the same time - which might give people the impression the salon actually has staff members (who outnumber customers four to one) - leads to INSTANT hilarity. Apparently, they're both "OK" but Tanya reminds them that they are both working for "tips only".
Cora and Patrick meet in the Vic - having apparently reconciled - when Patrick reveals he's off again because if there's one thing men with no job living on fixed incomes can do, it's take regular and lengthy trips abroad! Hardly uncommon but this probably means Patrick won't be back for a few months, eh it's not as if he has been anything but a placeholder character for the past few years anyway.
Skeletor - suddenly acting as if she actually cares about her father - tells Phil that her father isn't upto seeing Ben but Phil "ain't 'avin' this!" Although, that's probably a slightly better grasp of mental health issues than any of the Crayon Crew have. Fortunately, Sharon turns up and just by saying "Phil?" he runs off.
Jay opens the door and exchanges meaningful glances with Phil before returning inside to pace in front of Abi (apparently he'll just get a slap on the wrist!), while Sharon - apparently unperturbed her previous interaction moments ago led to Phil walking away without a word - points out that it might be a bit suspicious if she (pretending to be his fiance) doesn't go to a hearing with him... because it's not as if this is the real world and people might not be able to get the time off work or anything!
She reassures Jacknocchio - who is actually being terribly accepting of Sharon's law breaking faux relationship with Phil - that she's just helping out but even the wooden Jacknocchio has to bristle a bit at the situation. He really should be more irritated - Sharon playing house with an old flame in a clearly illegal gambit to get Phil custody of a child? In a world where people are almost always as illogical and unreasonable as one could conceive - Jacknoccio is actually guilty of being TOO understanding and TOO reasonable here.
Meanwhile, Ian (having managed to forget about his breakdown again) says he could have fixed all of this by telling Ben to retract his statement. Apparently that would have magically fixed everything and in a rare moment of Eastenders being realistic, Ian concedes that it's just wishful thinking... that's our reality quota for the next few years met and then some!
Phil returns and we find out that Gok Ben has been sent down for four years and Jay has been given COMMUNITY SERVICE! DUN DUN DUN! This is so depressing that Jay goes to sit in the Arches (not as if it has seen much use in the past few months), playing with a lighter until Don Mitchelloni comes in. Jay remarks on the story they cooked up not being up to much and it goes into the predictable "I could have stopped him."
Apparently it's OK though, Phil knew that Gok Ben was a "timebomb" and that if it wasn't 'Ev, it would have been someone else. Then Phil launches into HIS regret speech! Yawn. This leads to him forgiving Jay unconditionally (until his next characteristic change of heart) and gives him the best piece of advice anyone can ever give you in Walford - "get out". A handshake and tearful hug with all the emotional impact of losing some of your digestive in your tea ensues.
Somehow, Sharon is outside JUST as Jay exits... everyone seems to be standing around outside without coats a lot given the fact it's December... He then goes to give Abi a hug, which is unfortunately shot in such a way that his smile looks hilariously creepy rather than touching.
Sharon tells Phil that he needs to try and do things right with Lexi, only for a familiar raspy voice to say "'Ow sweeet." It looks like... SHIRLEY HAS RETURNED!
Alfie gets into the Vic where Jean instantly says that Kat received a call FROM A MYSTERY LOVER (he doesn't look too happy at that - even though she was joking) before Derek and Jacknocchio come to see what goodies Walford's most irritating cheeky chappy has brought back from Germany. He then uploads all this junk right outside the Vic - even Poxy remarks on the idiocy.
He then has to try and call his beloved slag of a wife because she hasn't answered her phone. DUN DUN DUN! Perhaps the Phantom Shagger has become the PHANTOM SERIAL KILLER! No, it seems unlikely the Crayon Crew would be sufficiently imaginative or merciful enough to have offed Kat... so we cut to later and Alfie has somehow procured a stall from which to hawk his German tat - bringing him into conflict with Derek, who being the interim Walford crimeboss (while Phil stares at people and deflates) is running dodgy gear from under a market stall... on a busy thorough fare in broad daylight. It's so stupid, it's GENIUS!
Arfuuuuuur spots Pointless Poppy and becomes a little too flush with confidence, goading Derek by calling him a chicken. Derek McFly Branning can't stand people calling him chicken though and so the two stalls are now engaged in... A BATTLE TO THE DEATH... meaning, whoever makes the most gives up their Christmas Eve's takings! DUN DUN DUN! He's taking this competition so seriously, that he immediately leaves and takes Pointless Poppy an early Christmas present - a tacky snowglobe... but this is Pointless Poppy.
Kat returns - having apparently been incapable of answering her phone all day - and shows Alfie a present she got him. He then adds another paragraph or two to the hagiography of St. Alfie of Walford by presenting her with a necklace that has similar stones to that of the ring which she pawned (and the Phantom Shagger returned). Kat does another, "I feel so bad!" speech.
Lauren starts asking about Ava - yawn. Can't she go back to being long lost? Then she's off to visit Cora to do some boozing but Cora shows some rare common sense and tells her that it's a bad idea. That just leaves Lauren and the bottle of booze but apparently the jam on her forehead seems to be almost gone. This allows her to prepare for Monday night - which as we know IS PARTY NIGHT! So, she turns up to the club half-cut and it is HEAVING!
Given her current animosity toward Joey (and indeed, that of both Skeletor AND Twitney toward him... but then they seem to have forgotten the falling out they had with Lauren, so it's another shake of the etch-a-sketch memories all round, apparently), the club seems a strange choice of venues... being a badly written drunk, the first thing she does is knock something clumsily to the floor before shouting abuse at Joey and leaving.
Except she doesn't leave! She's still confused by Joey's actions and Joey both looking and thinking like a glass of water doesn't just tell her that his father is blackmailing him and so, Lauren forlornly sits on the stairs of the club, posing a major fire hazard and a big 'elf and safety violation. Really, she needs to get back to her MEGA-FRINGE to really work the emo-vibe. Think of all the emoting that could be down purely by hairflicks... and when half of the relationship is Joey "The Cliff" Branning, you need all the emoting you can get.
Bianca has (another) trial at the salon and Carol offers some encouragement by pointing the last one went belly up. This leads to her making promises that will be broken almost as certainly as the sun rises. As predicted, Lola and Bianca doing their trial at the same time - which might give people the impression the salon actually has staff members (who outnumber customers four to one) - leads to INSTANT hilarity. Apparently, they're both "OK" but Tanya reminds them that they are both working for "tips only".
Cora and Patrick meet in the Vic - having apparently reconciled - when Patrick reveals he's off again because if there's one thing men with no job living on fixed incomes can do, it's take regular and lengthy trips abroad! Hardly uncommon but this probably means Patrick won't be back for a few months, eh it's not as if he has been anything but a placeholder character for the past few years anyway.
Friday, 30 November 2012
Friday 30th November 2012
The misery begins in the most efficient way (for the inducement of suffering in the viewer) possible as we are treated to the creature born of pure entropy - Kalfie. Alfie shouts like a loon at the window of the Vic (somehow knowing Kat is upstairs and in that room) before starting to spin around asking Kat to guess what he is... she shows surprising wisdom when she says "A NUTTTAAAAHHHH!" What a charmer but the brain damaged bartender is apparently being a carousel. Her mood sours (further) when she sees a large bunch of roses that are just sitting in the garden (positioned directly behind where Alfie was standing but which he apparently missed).
Gormless as ever, Alfie has apparently discovered this ENORMOUS bouquet of roses (easily worth hundreds of pounds but apparently this profligate gift is untouched by the overwhelmingly criminal inhabitants of Walford... Kat expresses FURTHER concern about his trip to Germany but Alfie is completely oblivious to this. Kat punctuates the scene by giving one of those "I've eaten something that doesn't agree with me." looks that have now become her trademark.
Her clever plan is apparently to go along with Alfie to Germany... OK, it's not clever. It's just a plan. Then the phone goes as she walks by it, who could it be?! Oh, right - it's THE PHANTOM SHAGGER! DUN DUN DUN! He must be psychic to have known she was JUST next to the phone at that point in time... that or he has the Vic rigged with cameras. That combined with his persistence (despite being repeatedly told it's unwanted), excessive gifts and creepy comments are making this storyline increasingly more like the prelude to a serial killer/rapist storyline than anything.
That is only added to when Kat goes into the dark cellar and finds the door ajar... some tension music wouldn't have been out of place here and then she turns to see a figure IN THE DARK! Oh, it's just Alfie there to tell Kat that Poxy has disappeared and can't run the bar - how convenient! She suggests Jean - really, someone you all treat like a Dickensian mad woman running the Vic? Actually, it's debatable as to whether that would be worse than Poxy and apparently Arfuuuuuuuur isn't a good choice.
Alfie makes a bit of a to do about his departure, only for us to realise in horror that it's... THE BRANNING BEAST! AVERT YOUR EYES! Kalfie have a kiss (that incites the five extras to emit a wooo!) before Alfie and Arfuuuuuuur disappear off. No sooner are they out the door than Kat gets Jean to watch the bar so she can "take Tommy to the doctors", even though it's pitch black out. She returns - apparently having gone to the doctor - and acts so suspiciously, even resident mad woman Jean is suspicious. She makes sure to lock and bolt her back door though - it's a shame getting upstairs in the Vic is easier than crossing the street then.
Kat takes Tommy upstairs to finds the Phantom Shagger has paid her another visit! Now, his little gift was a candle and he says that if she puts it in the window and lights it, "he'll come a knocking" - prompting her to throw the candle out the window. Just a little later we see Patrick giving Jean a candle. What could possibly happen?!
For unexplained reasons (aka plot convenience), Kat wants to close up early... ON A FRIDAY NIGHT! Oh, wait - the place is dead because as we all know, MONDAY is the big drinking night in Walford! So, after the last customer is out of the door - Jean goes to quiet down Tommy as Kat tidies up but what's that? SHE HAS THE CANDLE WITH HER! Yeah but she'd have to be mentally infirm to actually light a candle when there's a child clearly capable of getting out of bed... oh. Oh dear.
Jean mentions that she put the candle in the window and Kat rushes upstairs to put it out (although, she hesitates briefly) before going downstairs to pour herself a stiff drink. To up the creepy serial killer/rapist vibe - she is all alone downstairs in the dark as someone starts knocking and then rattling the door... it wouldn't be a particularly big tonal shift if the Phantom Shagger took an axe to the door at this point in proceedings!
Bianca and Carol are apparently at odds as Bianca seems apathetic - although she is going to provide a FEAST of chicken nuggets... what would Jamie Oliver say?! Carol says they need to start "working together" which enrages Bianca sufficiently that she has to go to the toilet!
Later, Carol and Derek are in the Vic (because alcohol in public houses in central London is something easily affordable for gigantic families barely managing to live above the poverty line). She is at a loose end and Derek vows that he will make a family out of Hogson and Half-Day Alice if it kills him. DRAMATIC FORESHADOWING!
They're called back as there is a FIRE IN THE DISCO! This is the second time in a week Derek has rushed toward a blaze - has he got a death wish? One sparks and WOOSH! His whole head will go up in smoke but apparently Bianca is incapable of preparing even chicken nuggets as she fell asleep at the table, which somehow caused her chicken nuggets to produce dry ice! She should sell that to Heston Blumenthal! Cue the ginger whinger having a cry.
The Hogfather remarks he has become rather good at saving the day and has a bit of a heart to heart with Bianca, he's able to relate to being in prison apparently, the quiet at night is unsettling after the constant noise when you're at Her Majesty's pleasure. This is actually a rather good scene - shocking, eh?
Derek breezes into the (main) Branning residence - they've taken over half the Square now! - and warns Tanya that she should be more security conscious as the door was on the latch. No one ever locks their doors in Walford. If they do, they open them to strangers/people they don't want to talk to and if not, they can be knocked down more easily than dominoes (as evidence by Phil "The Human Wrecking Machine" Mitchell), so... it seems like rather pointless advice.
He's just around to make a friendly demand of Tanya - that she ensure that Joey be banished from Cora's and start staying with him. OK, Tanya will have more pull with him that the Hogfather but she isn't a miracle worker - especially as she has burned her bridges with her mother... and given the clear animosity that exists between Hogfather and Hogson, it's not as if getting him kicked out is going to immediately equate to him moving in with Derek. He could just GO BACK TO HIS MOTHER!
Cora is apparently doing the Hogson a "big favour" by letting him kip at her house... she doesn't really seem to understand how the whole lodger proposition works as she seems almost amazed when he hands her a bundle of notes... which are all fifties... given that Walford is so deprived that it receives aid from Somalia and Ethiopia, why is it that fifty pound notes seem more common than fivers?
As Tanya is a complete idiot, she goes to see her mother to do Derek's bidding. She seems to have forgotten her mother is the honey badger of Albert Square (but without the looks) and seems surprised when trying to pressure her with Max's displeasure results in nothing but mild amusement. Cora doing the first sensible thing for ages tells Tanya to get out.
Immediately upon exiting, Derek is there asking if she has good news because he wants the Hogson HOMELESS! Doesn't he realise that at ANY time he could just go back to living with his mother? Perhaps he's banking on the Hogson being incapable of remembering that. Derek starts to get a bit aggressive but luckily, Sharon and her ridiculous hair/voice/acting come along to scare him off... she probably got stuck down a sofa for a few weeks, that's all!
They return to the (main) Branning residence and chat about her secret sister before we have mention of something we'd all forgotten - TANYA'S CANCER FLU! She's going for a scan next week. Will the Crayon Crew manage to remember it? That's about the only suspense in that plot point but the two vow to have a drink later as invisible Ian (quite a feat given the amount of weight he put on during his months of vagrancy) will babysit.
Sharon has apparently decided to use this opportunity to try and get Lola a job at the salon but even the ill defined financials of a Walford business can only have so many people on the payroll, so she's just going to be on work experience - brace yourself for "hilarious" hijinks - and then (because Tanya has absolutely no friends since Jane left and has known Sharon for maybe two months) she asks if she'd like to be the maid of honour!
Lauren goes to see Cora to find out why she was upset before and Cora spills her guts about her long lost daughter (again). She bemoans Tanya's meddling ways (she would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those pesky kids!) and then gets Lauren to get her a bottle of Scotch - I guess she forgot Lauren was an alcoholic but then, Lauren seems to as well.
It takes Tanya coming around to remind them that she suffers from a drinking problem but then, this is Eastenders where all problems seem to result in someone looking at the bottom of an empty bottle, so it seems strange that only a minority of people are ever called alcoholics when it's pretty clear Walford has a very pervasive alcohol problem.
Tanya tries to force Lauren home but then Joey walks in and she attacks him, then says she just wants to talk to him, then goes out the front door, leaving Tanya to lambaste her mother about drinking herself into oblivion WITHOUT her daughter next time - that's her told then! Joey has an expression on his face - in much the same way those manikins in stores do.
Abi and Lola have a chat in the caffffffff. Jay has gone off to see the solicitor about his murdering ways and Abi is apparently determined to show him she loves him whatever happens - we'll forget the fact she couldn't stand the sight of him when she found out because the writers do!
So, Patrick - fresh from being rebuked for daring to look at Cora - tells Jay that it's OK. Lots of people support him! That's nice - how exactly will it help him escape criminal charges though, Patrick? Still, Jay gets invited to the salon - where Abi has apparently set up some kind of lover's nest with enough candles to burn the whole country down... Clearly, she wasn't thinking about elf 'n' safety!
But this is apparently the moment that Abi wants to lose her virginity to someone who was an accomplice to murder/manslaughter... aww! Young love, eh? They don't go through with it though because Jay is apparently a eunuch and just wants a bit of a cuddle. AWW!
Gormless as ever, Alfie has apparently discovered this ENORMOUS bouquet of roses (easily worth hundreds of pounds but apparently this profligate gift is untouched by the overwhelmingly criminal inhabitants of Walford... Kat expresses FURTHER concern about his trip to Germany but Alfie is completely oblivious to this. Kat punctuates the scene by giving one of those "I've eaten something that doesn't agree with me." looks that have now become her trademark.
Her clever plan is apparently to go along with Alfie to Germany... OK, it's not clever. It's just a plan. Then the phone goes as she walks by it, who could it be?! Oh, right - it's THE PHANTOM SHAGGER! DUN DUN DUN! He must be psychic to have known she was JUST next to the phone at that point in time... that or he has the Vic rigged with cameras. That combined with his persistence (despite being repeatedly told it's unwanted), excessive gifts and creepy comments are making this storyline increasingly more like the prelude to a serial killer/rapist storyline than anything.
That is only added to when Kat goes into the dark cellar and finds the door ajar... some tension music wouldn't have been out of place here and then she turns to see a figure IN THE DARK! Oh, it's just Alfie there to tell Kat that Poxy has disappeared and can't run the bar - how convenient! She suggests Jean - really, someone you all treat like a Dickensian mad woman running the Vic? Actually, it's debatable as to whether that would be worse than Poxy and apparently Arfuuuuuuuur isn't a good choice.
Alfie makes a bit of a to do about his departure, only for us to realise in horror that it's... THE BRANNING BEAST! AVERT YOUR EYES! Kalfie have a kiss (that incites the five extras to emit a wooo!) before Alfie and Arfuuuuuuur disappear off. No sooner are they out the door than Kat gets Jean to watch the bar so she can "take Tommy to the doctors", even though it's pitch black out. She returns - apparently having gone to the doctor - and acts so suspiciously, even resident mad woman Jean is suspicious. She makes sure to lock and bolt her back door though - it's a shame getting upstairs in the Vic is easier than crossing the street then.
Kat takes Tommy upstairs to finds the Phantom Shagger has paid her another visit! Now, his little gift was a candle and he says that if she puts it in the window and lights it, "he'll come a knocking" - prompting her to throw the candle out the window. Just a little later we see Patrick giving Jean a candle. What could possibly happen?!
For unexplained reasons (aka plot convenience), Kat wants to close up early... ON A FRIDAY NIGHT! Oh, wait - the place is dead because as we all know, MONDAY is the big drinking night in Walford! So, after the last customer is out of the door - Jean goes to quiet down Tommy as Kat tidies up but what's that? SHE HAS THE CANDLE WITH HER! Yeah but she'd have to be mentally infirm to actually light a candle when there's a child clearly capable of getting out of bed... oh. Oh dear.
Jean mentions that she put the candle in the window and Kat rushes upstairs to put it out (although, she hesitates briefly) before going downstairs to pour herself a stiff drink. To up the creepy serial killer/rapist vibe - she is all alone downstairs in the dark as someone starts knocking and then rattling the door... it wouldn't be a particularly big tonal shift if the Phantom Shagger took an axe to the door at this point in proceedings!
Bianca and Carol are apparently at odds as Bianca seems apathetic - although she is going to provide a FEAST of chicken nuggets... what would Jamie Oliver say?! Carol says they need to start "working together" which enrages Bianca sufficiently that she has to go to the toilet!
Later, Carol and Derek are in the Vic (because alcohol in public houses in central London is something easily affordable for gigantic families barely managing to live above the poverty line). She is at a loose end and Derek vows that he will make a family out of Hogson and Half-Day Alice if it kills him. DRAMATIC FORESHADOWING!
They're called back as there is a FIRE IN THE DISCO! This is the second time in a week Derek has rushed toward a blaze - has he got a death wish? One sparks and WOOSH! His whole head will go up in smoke but apparently Bianca is incapable of preparing even chicken nuggets as she fell asleep at the table, which somehow caused her chicken nuggets to produce dry ice! She should sell that to Heston Blumenthal! Cue the ginger whinger having a cry.
The Hogfather remarks he has become rather good at saving the day and has a bit of a heart to heart with Bianca, he's able to relate to being in prison apparently, the quiet at night is unsettling after the constant noise when you're at Her Majesty's pleasure. This is actually a rather good scene - shocking, eh?
Derek breezes into the (main) Branning residence - they've taken over half the Square now! - and warns Tanya that she should be more security conscious as the door was on the latch. No one ever locks their doors in Walford. If they do, they open them to strangers/people they don't want to talk to and if not, they can be knocked down more easily than dominoes (as evidence by Phil "The Human Wrecking Machine" Mitchell), so... it seems like rather pointless advice.
He's just around to make a friendly demand of Tanya - that she ensure that Joey be banished from Cora's and start staying with him. OK, Tanya will have more pull with him that the Hogfather but she isn't a miracle worker - especially as she has burned her bridges with her mother... and given the clear animosity that exists between Hogfather and Hogson, it's not as if getting him kicked out is going to immediately equate to him moving in with Derek. He could just GO BACK TO HIS MOTHER!
Cora is apparently doing the Hogson a "big favour" by letting him kip at her house... she doesn't really seem to understand how the whole lodger proposition works as she seems almost amazed when he hands her a bundle of notes... which are all fifties... given that Walford is so deprived that it receives aid from Somalia and Ethiopia, why is it that fifty pound notes seem more common than fivers?
As Tanya is a complete idiot, she goes to see her mother to do Derek's bidding. She seems to have forgotten her mother is the honey badger of Albert Square (but without the looks) and seems surprised when trying to pressure her with Max's displeasure results in nothing but mild amusement. Cora doing the first sensible thing for ages tells Tanya to get out.
Immediately upon exiting, Derek is there asking if she has good news because he wants the Hogson HOMELESS! Doesn't he realise that at ANY time he could just go back to living with his mother? Perhaps he's banking on the Hogson being incapable of remembering that. Derek starts to get a bit aggressive but luckily, Sharon and her ridiculous hair/voice/acting come along to scare him off... she probably got stuck down a sofa for a few weeks, that's all!
They return to the (main) Branning residence and chat about her secret sister before we have mention of something we'd all forgotten - TANYA'S CANCER FLU! She's going for a scan next week. Will the Crayon Crew manage to remember it? That's about the only suspense in that plot point but the two vow to have a drink later as invisible Ian (quite a feat given the amount of weight he put on during his months of vagrancy) will babysit.
Sharon has apparently decided to use this opportunity to try and get Lola a job at the salon but even the ill defined financials of a Walford business can only have so many people on the payroll, so she's just going to be on work experience - brace yourself for "hilarious" hijinks - and then (because Tanya has absolutely no friends since Jane left and has known Sharon for maybe two months) she asks if she'd like to be the maid of honour!
Lauren goes to see Cora to find out why she was upset before and Cora spills her guts about her long lost daughter (again). She bemoans Tanya's meddling ways (she would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those pesky kids!) and then gets Lauren to get her a bottle of Scotch - I guess she forgot Lauren was an alcoholic but then, Lauren seems to as well.
It takes Tanya coming around to remind them that she suffers from a drinking problem but then, this is Eastenders where all problems seem to result in someone looking at the bottom of an empty bottle, so it seems strange that only a minority of people are ever called alcoholics when it's pretty clear Walford has a very pervasive alcohol problem.
Tanya tries to force Lauren home but then Joey walks in and she attacks him, then says she just wants to talk to him, then goes out the front door, leaving Tanya to lambaste her mother about drinking herself into oblivion WITHOUT her daughter next time - that's her told then! Joey has an expression on his face - in much the same way those manikins in stores do.
Abi and Lola have a chat in the caffffffff. Jay has gone off to see the solicitor about his murdering ways and Abi is apparently determined to show him she loves him whatever happens - we'll forget the fact she couldn't stand the sight of him when she found out because the writers do!
So, Patrick - fresh from being rebuked for daring to look at Cora - tells Jay that it's OK. Lots of people support him! That's nice - how exactly will it help him escape criminal charges though, Patrick? Still, Jay gets invited to the salon - where Abi has apparently set up some kind of lover's nest with enough candles to burn the whole country down... Clearly, she wasn't thinking about elf 'n' safety!
But this is apparently the moment that Abi wants to lose her virginity to someone who was an accomplice to murder/manslaughter... aww! Young love, eh? They don't go through with it though because Jay is apparently a eunuch and just wants a bit of a cuddle. AWW!
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Thursday 29th November 2012
We own to seeing the spineless Alfie proclaiming that the grotty (and mostly forgotten) Walford market is going to be transformed into Hamburg - a prospect about as realistic as a well written episode of Eastenders...
Pointless Poppy enlists the help of Arfuuuuuur and Tamwar to try and resolve these financial concerns - clearly unaware that if they are ignored, they will remedy themselves - but they leave as Cora has risen from the grave to kill again! Only to discover about Lauren's car crash. She has a go at Tanya for not telling her.
The terrifying sight of Kalfie in the Vic kitchen rears its ugly head. Alfie is so surprised at opening a letter of Kat's that it suddenly sounds as if he's talking later and in a totally different place... but that happens a lot in Walford due to time and space folding abilities of the houses - it's murder on the acoustics! It's surprising we don't hear the clanging of a plot point being dropped though, as it's for an open house for the bedsit, clearly sent by... THE PHANTOM SHAGGER! In lieu of writing in lipstick on mirrors though, she actually calls him up to tell him to lay off... it really says a lot about the unadulterated idiocy of writing when that actually qualifies as one of the most intelligent things Kat has done in this whole Phantom Shagger debacle... Will she tell the clueless Alfie though? NOPE!
After remarking how the German market is already costing them money and listening to the nonsensical blatherings of Jean for about a minute, she heads off to the open house - having received a text from the Phantom Shagger. She gets there to find flowers in the shape of a heart on the bed - that must have taken a while! - and a message (in lipstick!) on the mirror about how he's counting the hours. Kat immediately wipes the mirror clean of the message and throws her key into the bin before strumping back to the Vic.
Apparently at some point, Kalfie have agreed they can open each others post - seems like a bad idea in the run up to Christmas - and Kat has to watch a gleeful Alfie open a package delivered by courier, despite the Phantom Shagger sending her a text that says "the postman always rings twice"... and what is this? It's a big wodge of cash and a ferry ticket, so Alfie can go to Cologne! Kat looks as if she has been punched to the gut but no one ponders just how someone was able to anticipate this eventuality and get a courier to arrive less than an hour after this trip had been decided upon... but then the Phantom Shagger is mysterious!
While Alfie is being a berk (although, it may be easier to say when he ISN'T being one) with Tommy, Kat receives another message from the Phantom Shagger proclaiming "Now I've got you all to myself". Uh... he's starting to sound less like someone Kat is having an affair with and more like a stalker/rapist/serial killer... maybe that message on the mirror wasn't in lipstick, maybe it was dried blood?! Actually, that would make for a far more interesting twist to this painfully dull story than is likely to happen but fingers crossed.
Pointless Poppy finds a mass of FINAL DEMANDS at Cora's flat. Cora is sitting on the sofa, looking more mummified than usual - the only indication of life being the smoking cigarette wedged between her fingers. The phone rings, without causing any reaction in the comatose Cora - Pointless Poppy gets it and tells Patrick that Cora is asleep... that's an overstatement! Fossils have seemed more life like! But just to make sure we didn't forget the FINAL DEMANDS, she stares at the thick pile of them with concern.
Gloomy guts Carol checks on the ginger whinger Bianca, only to find out that she was... sleeping on the floor? Then we see her forcefully brushing Twitney's hair - both Carol and Twitney rejecting her offer of a haircut, which she takes great offence to... you have NO QUALIFICATIONS! She then rolls into the salon after noon - wasn't she supposed to be starting in the MORNING? But it's OK, Tanya had apparently completely forgotten.
She gets someone to work on but HILARIOUSLY, it's an old woman! Oh, wait. That isn't funny. Neither is the fact Bianca - not exactly known for her soft spoken voice - shouts everything at her and manages to instantly knock everything within arm's reach to the ground. Next thing we know, she's back at home moping and then all of a sudden, she's in the Vic and Pointless Poppy tells her she can do a proper trial on Monday and she's all smiles and sunshine.
Lauren - still with some dried jam on her forehead - is calling Joey... apparently she has now remembered mobile phones exist and that she owns one! Tanya comes in and Lauren launches into an "it's all my fault" tirade but Tanya points out the hospital know that Lauren was drinking... uh, how? Are we supposed to believe they'd draw blood for a possible concussion? And if this could lead to the possibility of perverting the course of justice as she says, then DEREK IS EQUALLY AT RISK OF THAT!
Then we get Walford PD at the door! Quizzing people in the comfort of their own homes with not one but TWO police officers. Lauren does a bit of faking out where it seems as if she's going to say Joey wasn't driving but she's just foolin' around and doesn't change her statement. Making you wonder why the police had to waste time going to see people WHO MIGHT NOT EVEN BE IN. Your taxes at work!
Joey is apparently hiding out/sleeping in the club - it's good to know someone is using it! He bumps into Derek in the Square, who offers him a place to stay before the marauding police officers ask him to accompany them to the station just as well they found him! Lauren arrives just to see him getting into a police car (to drive the hundred or so metres to the police station), at which point a conveniently positioned Jacknochio opines that he's "in for a stretch" and asks "what was he thinking?". Probably "AHHH! WE'RE GOING TO CRASH INTO A POUND SHOP THAT APPEARS TO BE IMPROBABLY SITUATED ON AN INDUSTRIAL ESTATE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!"
Walford's Hogfather of crime appears in the Germanised Vic - this constitutes German flags and polka music - to break the news about the Hogson staying around to the Scotch Egg... and then, horror of horrors the three headed Branning Beast has reconstituted itself! Derek then goes on to tell his brothers this is a "new start".
Alfie starts discussing the German market with the Branning Beast and within moments, it has been agreed that he is off to Germany to pick up crates of German goodies as this will be a "nice little earner". Complete with everyone in the Vic spontaneously agreeing to it and Jacknocchio making sure we appreciate that it's going to happen by saying "That's settled then, Alfie." Wow, if not for that line - I'd have never guessed that the matter was settled! Except it's not as Kat - points out he won't have enough money.
Lauren turns up at the police station to do what people in Walford ALWAYS do outside the police station - admit guilt to a crime loudly. Joey does the "it was just a bit of fun!" but Lauren parries with "look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me!" Joey walks away before he has to consider acting.
And apparently, he's going to become Cora's new lodger because he talked to Arfuuuuuuurrr. Despite the fact Joey is apparently a gigantic woman magnet and Arfuuuuur could have been co-habiting with his lady friend! A point so obvious that Tamwar has to point it out for Arfuuuuuuurrrrr - who is sleeping on the Masood's sofa - who then looks very worried.
Oh and Lauren as apparently remembered her drinking problem because Tanya finds her in the shop buying a bottle of vodka. They have a heart-to-heart later where Lauren tells her mother what happened outside the police station, Tanya trying to suppress a smile when her daughter says that her cousin doesn't love her. Touching.
Pointless Poppy enlists the help of Arfuuuuuur and Tamwar to try and resolve these financial concerns - clearly unaware that if they are ignored, they will remedy themselves - but they leave as Cora has risen from the grave to kill again! Only to discover about Lauren's car crash. She has a go at Tanya for not telling her.
The terrifying sight of Kalfie in the Vic kitchen rears its ugly head. Alfie is so surprised at opening a letter of Kat's that it suddenly sounds as if he's talking later and in a totally different place... but that happens a lot in Walford due to time and space folding abilities of the houses - it's murder on the acoustics! It's surprising we don't hear the clanging of a plot point being dropped though, as it's for an open house for the bedsit, clearly sent by... THE PHANTOM SHAGGER! In lieu of writing in lipstick on mirrors though, she actually calls him up to tell him to lay off... it really says a lot about the unadulterated idiocy of writing when that actually qualifies as one of the most intelligent things Kat has done in this whole Phantom Shagger debacle... Will she tell the clueless Alfie though? NOPE!
After remarking how the German market is already costing them money and listening to the nonsensical blatherings of Jean for about a minute, she heads off to the open house - having received a text from the Phantom Shagger. She gets there to find flowers in the shape of a heart on the bed - that must have taken a while! - and a message (in lipstick!) on the mirror about how he's counting the hours. Kat immediately wipes the mirror clean of the message and throws her key into the bin before strumping back to the Vic.
Apparently at some point, Kalfie have agreed they can open each others post - seems like a bad idea in the run up to Christmas - and Kat has to watch a gleeful Alfie open a package delivered by courier, despite the Phantom Shagger sending her a text that says "the postman always rings twice"... and what is this? It's a big wodge of cash and a ferry ticket, so Alfie can go to Cologne! Kat looks as if she has been punched to the gut but no one ponders just how someone was able to anticipate this eventuality and get a courier to arrive less than an hour after this trip had been decided upon... but then the Phantom Shagger is mysterious!
While Alfie is being a berk (although, it may be easier to say when he ISN'T being one) with Tommy, Kat receives another message from the Phantom Shagger proclaiming "Now I've got you all to myself". Uh... he's starting to sound less like someone Kat is having an affair with and more like a stalker/rapist/serial killer... maybe that message on the mirror wasn't in lipstick, maybe it was dried blood?! Actually, that would make for a far more interesting twist to this painfully dull story than is likely to happen but fingers crossed.
Pointless Poppy finds a mass of FINAL DEMANDS at Cora's flat. Cora is sitting on the sofa, looking more mummified than usual - the only indication of life being the smoking cigarette wedged between her fingers. The phone rings, without causing any reaction in the comatose Cora - Pointless Poppy gets it and tells Patrick that Cora is asleep... that's an overstatement! Fossils have seemed more life like! But just to make sure we didn't forget the FINAL DEMANDS, she stares at the thick pile of them with concern.
Gloomy guts Carol checks on the ginger whinger Bianca, only to find out that she was... sleeping on the floor? Then we see her forcefully brushing Twitney's hair - both Carol and Twitney rejecting her offer of a haircut, which she takes great offence to... you have NO QUALIFICATIONS! She then rolls into the salon after noon - wasn't she supposed to be starting in the MORNING? But it's OK, Tanya had apparently completely forgotten.
She gets someone to work on but HILARIOUSLY, it's an old woman! Oh, wait. That isn't funny. Neither is the fact Bianca - not exactly known for her soft spoken voice - shouts everything at her and manages to instantly knock everything within arm's reach to the ground. Next thing we know, she's back at home moping and then all of a sudden, she's in the Vic and Pointless Poppy tells her she can do a proper trial on Monday and she's all smiles and sunshine.
Lauren - still with some dried jam on her forehead - is calling Joey... apparently she has now remembered mobile phones exist and that she owns one! Tanya comes in and Lauren launches into an "it's all my fault" tirade but Tanya points out the hospital know that Lauren was drinking... uh, how? Are we supposed to believe they'd draw blood for a possible concussion? And if this could lead to the possibility of perverting the course of justice as she says, then DEREK IS EQUALLY AT RISK OF THAT!
Then we get Walford PD at the door! Quizzing people in the comfort of their own homes with not one but TWO police officers. Lauren does a bit of faking out where it seems as if she's going to say Joey wasn't driving but she's just foolin' around and doesn't change her statement. Making you wonder why the police had to waste time going to see people WHO MIGHT NOT EVEN BE IN. Your taxes at work!
Joey is apparently hiding out/sleeping in the club - it's good to know someone is using it! He bumps into Derek in the Square, who offers him a place to stay before the marauding police officers ask him to accompany them to the station just as well they found him! Lauren arrives just to see him getting into a police car (to drive the hundred or so metres to the police station), at which point a conveniently positioned Jacknochio opines that he's "in for a stretch" and asks "what was he thinking?". Probably "AHHH! WE'RE GOING TO CRASH INTO A POUND SHOP THAT APPEARS TO BE IMPROBABLY SITUATED ON AN INDUSTRIAL ESTATE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!"
Walford's Hogfather of crime appears in the Germanised Vic - this constitutes German flags and polka music - to break the news about the Hogson staying around to the Scotch Egg... and then, horror of horrors the three headed Branning Beast has reconstituted itself! Derek then goes on to tell his brothers this is a "new start".
Alfie starts discussing the German market with the Branning Beast and within moments, it has been agreed that he is off to Germany to pick up crates of German goodies as this will be a "nice little earner". Complete with everyone in the Vic spontaneously agreeing to it and Jacknocchio making sure we appreciate that it's going to happen by saying "That's settled then, Alfie." Wow, if not for that line - I'd have never guessed that the matter was settled! Except it's not as Kat - points out he won't have enough money.
Lauren turns up at the police station to do what people in Walford ALWAYS do outside the police station - admit guilt to a crime loudly. Joey does the "it was just a bit of fun!" but Lauren parries with "look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me!" Joey walks away before he has to consider acting.
And apparently, he's going to become Cora's new lodger because he talked to Arfuuuuuuurrr. Despite the fact Joey is apparently a gigantic woman magnet and Arfuuuuur could have been co-habiting with his lady friend! A point so obvious that Tamwar has to point it out for Arfuuuuuuurrrrr - who is sleeping on the Masood's sofa - who then looks very worried.
Oh and Lauren as apparently remembered her drinking problem because Tanya finds her in the shop buying a bottle of vodka. They have a heart-to-heart later where Lauren tells her mother what happened outside the police station, Tanya trying to suppress a smile when her daughter says that her cousin doesn't love her. Touching.
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