Tanya is going on about Secret Wife, tell Max that she wants the Secret Wife DEAD, she wants her family DEAD... oh, wait. No, she just wants her gone - that worked so well before, didn't it Tanya. Max goes to tell Secret Wife he wants a divorce and what better way to discuss that than over dinner!
Later in the cafffffff, Tanya is having a discussion with the severely asthmatic Sharon (if Eastenders is all about issues, shouldn't she have an inhaler?) but who should walk in? KIRSTIE! Who announces that she's coming round for dinner. Tanya tries to rope Sharon in but apparently she's working... there's a first time for everything... and so Tanya decides the best thing is to have THE ENTIRE FAMILY. Just what Eastenders needed, MORE OF THE BRANNINGS!
Tanya is hysterical about the dinner - to the point Lauren and Joey walk in and would probably have walked straight back out if Tanya hadn't ordered them to stay and who could blame them... apparently Tanya's plan is to show Secret Wife what a big happy family she's up against... you're going to need all the luck you can get for that, Tanya.
The inevitably awkward dinner scene ensues with little of anything happening... except that Abi brought the mysterious new black guy who has become her best friend - much to Jay's predictable chagrin, in fact it's that chagrin which meant Abi took Dexter rather than Jay - and so when Jay returns from a day of community service, he's sufficiently enraged to take a pop at Dexter. Goodness.
In yet another example of how people in Walford are prone to forget the existence of modern telecommunication equipment, the long lost Ava returns to join the menagerie - where there is a strangely self-aware moment that shows the recognition of just how preposterous the convoluted relationships are - before we find out that Dexter is Ava's son... something that might have been slightly surprising if it wasn't for the fact he'd been shown with pictures of Abi and Lauren... although how he got those... nobody knows!
Kat spends a few minutes trying to get into the Vic but can't bring herself to go in. Even Poxy's primitive brain is able to tell that Alife pines for his half-baked, half-basted sexually insatiable wife though. Goodness, Poxy - it's almost as if all the indications that this rebound relationship which even YOU ADVISED AGAINST was a monstrously bad idea, eh?
Jacknocchio with Sharon on his arm looks smug at Phil. Who decides to take his bad mood out on Alfie by demanding rent when it isn't due but as he's off being Saint Alfie, Poxy tells him to go and whistle for it... probably a bad idea, a walk across the Square winds him - a good whistle could kill him. Unfortunately as Bianca is bustlin' around, she mentions that Alfie went to see Kat... even Poxy isn't falling for that.
Kat and Alfie talk and despite having been infused with righteous anger the other day, it really seems that Alfie is pretty much back to where he was before. Not only is Alfie happy to smooth over everything with Poxy AND Bianca for her job at the Vic, she's welcome there any time and despite the fact she has had a long running affair with someone things are now OK between them. That was fast!
Alfie gets rumbled by Poxy - that's got to be a real low for anyone... and GO FIGHT! Alfie looks rather ashamed of himself. He's also started exhibiting signs of multiple personalities. There's Saint Alfie and Angry Alfie. Saint Alfie is kind and patient, capable of forgiving the most unforgivable behaviour - Angry Alfie snaps at the slightest delay, is rash and loud and communicates almost exclusively via shouts.
Poxy takes relationship advice from Jack... wow. She's either very brave or very stupid... ha. Not really, just very stupid but Jack hanging around DA CAFFFFFFF means he has another run in with Phil! Phil actually tries to do the wooden top a good turn by pointing out Sharon just left a husband at the altar and the guy before that was murdered. He seems genuinely surprised that Jack knows he proposed... although, Jack omits to mention that this is only because Count Moonula saw her galumphing conspicuously around the Square with an engagement ring.
Alfie tries to make it up to Poxy by giving her flowers and then Kat comes in. Things move from uneasy to confrontational in about the time it takes to pour a G&T, Kat and Poxy quickly at each others throats, with Kat accusing Poxy of stealing her man, her job, her pub! Perhaps she should have thought about that before philandering? To everyone's surprise - but most especially Kat's - Saint Alfie of Walford sides with Poxy... but sadly misses a prime opportunity to tell her to GER OURRA MY PUB!
Geordie Racer and Denise chat at the breakfast table, although the topic of infidelity seems an ill advised one... seems like Geordie Racer is going to fit in just fine! She escapes to work and is apparently now going to throw herself into her career by applying to be a regional manager! But oh no! Zainab is going for that job too! Denise then pulls a "poor me", as apparently her children have abandoned her and the only thing she has to aspire to in life is the regional manager position in Minute Mart. REACH FOR THE STARS!
Geordie Racer comes to ask Denise about loving someone you can't have - foreshadowing! Then Zainab tells her, don't talk to Geordie Racer, that she's applying for the regional manager position (as she's the ONLY possible competition) and also, get out of her house. Ian - who has been walking in to brag about his prowess at selling fruit 'n' veg all day - makes an ill advised joke about a tough day at the office, causing Denise to break down... at least this imminent romance will make more sense than the Ian & Mandy one.
At least this time there is some kind of explanation of why Ian is a radically different person... granted it's a bottomlessly stupid one that only the Crayon Crew would try and play straight but what else is new... so, it's at least somewhat credible that Ian and his shiny new personality post-Trampoid recovery would feel some sympathy for Denise and would offer her a place to stay.
Oh and having earlier shunned Count Moonula's plans for Walford domination/distribution of Derek's dodgy notes - Phil is now apparently on-board with an even BETTER plan. Possibly involving him tying Sharon to a railway.
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Tuesday 8th January 2013
Everyone's favourite block of wood is still wishing he was a real boy as he stops his car with the BIGGEST earn of ash you've ever seen... it seems a bit low to be making fun of Derek's weight posthumously... but Jacknocchio is sitting there, emoting like teak or possibly mahogany while some nice classical music plays - presumably because if it wasn't for that, we wouldn't have a clue that this is a poignant moment.
Jack drops off the mega-urn at Tanya's, muses briefly on how little time we are given on this Earth and then instructs everyone that it's time to move on! Good talk, Jack. Good talk. Then he's off to see Sharon at the club and takes the step of getting Bianca - who is actually doing her job - to leave, so he can talk to his wife-to-be... because you couldn't go into the office or talk later. Nope - it has to be RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!
Jack is taking his own advice, it seems as they're announcing the engagement - TONIGHT! Sharon IMMEDIATELY worries about Phil (somewhat surprisingly, she's able to remember her son AND put him before Phil though!) to whit Jack replies "what about him?" That's certainly the most realistic reaction Eastenders has had for a while.
Before the engagement announcement, he goes home where Sharon says that having it at the club is "rubbing Phil's nose in it"... come on, Sharon - Jack had two choices of venue and Phil owns 'em both! Jacknocchio immediately deduces that Sharon hasn't told Don Mitchelloni about the engagement and has a little hissy fit - always a good way to start off life together, acting like a spoilt child. Although, Sharon has had the monopoly on that so far... and asthma attacks.
Denise is rudely awakened by Zainab... because apparently them falling out (seriously, it was ONE drunken kiss!) means Denise is now homeless. Something that seems particularly stupid as it's PATRICK'S house... something that Patrick even has to point out to the brainless wonder mere moments later... but then trying to understand how exactly the B&B functions is punishment of a both cruel and unusual nature.
Raymondo clearly isn't too happy at the schism he has caused between Kim and Denise. Not surprising as this feud immediately escalates to Kim locking Denise out the house (something Denise immediately points out is idiotic given that she's in a B&B), then goes upstairs to throw a convenient bucket of water... this is how five year olds behave!
Time for a confrontation between Raymondo and Denise! Ray says things between him and Kim haven't been right for quite some time - the fact the relationship happened shows you're a deeply troubled individual, Ray... and perhaps it's that knowledge which causes Denise to say she'll take the bullet, despite the fact Ray seems willing to set the record straight (as it was he who made the first move).
Denise turns up to apologise to Kim but the brainless one is aching for a fight. Kim pronounces that Ray is the best thing that ever happened to her and that Denise is just jealous and Denise is outta there! How has she held off murdering him?
Saint Alfie has managed to lose the industrial quantities of vitriol he had toward Kat, as he sees her struggling to pay in the Minute Mart (here's a clue, Kat - if you're hard up, DON'T SHOP THERE!) and offers to give her child support but accepting the money would be far too sensible!
Poxy spots this display and confronts Alfie about the clear concern he's showing for Kat. One wonders why Alfie just decided to give his son to her, when apparently the break-up also resulted in her being fired - meaning she's a single mother with no income... Best not to search for rhyme or reason though. Poxy then discovers that Sharon gave Kat a job and looks bewildered... that's pretty much her natural state though. Poxy then somehow manages to orchestrate a very complicated (for her) plan, that involves Kat cleaning at the Vic... which cheers up Saint Alfie no end. Count Moonula even points out how pathetic this is - ouch.
Cluck, cluck, cluck! It's mother hen Phil! Micromanaging Lola's time with Lexi. Lola is back a whole twenty minutes late and cluck, cluck, cluck goes Phil. Unfortunately for Sharon, her refereeing of this bout means she doesn't tell him about the engagement! Oh no! Also, Sharon and Lola are BFFs now.
Tanya and Kirstie (Secret Wife) have a run in at the caffffffffffff, which ends with Tanya arranging for them to meet in five minutes (actually, it's thirty minutes but it could be ten seconds and it could be a trillion epochs for all the difference it makes)... then in five minutes time (see how important it was to establish that!) we get the ol' "here is money - take it and go", approach... inexplicably interrupted by Pointless Poppy. Is this some kind of mental conditioning to get people to walk more? Why use a phone when you could walk to see that person instead?!
Kirstie takes the money and leaves... Wow, that was over quickly! Phew... looks like we dodged a bullet there! Then later we see her getting in a taxi... which Tanya sees. Just as well taxis are only capable of going in one direction, thus ensuring the Secret Wife is gone FOREVER! Oh, wait - she turns up at the club... what a shocker. It would have been more shocking if she'd actually left and we weren't faced with the wretched prospect of another Max infidelity storyline that will be drawn out for months.
Count Moonula was in his counting house, counting all his counterfeit money and shows it to Jack... who as a former police officer is able to detect counterfeit notes from a hundred paces with any of his five senses... it's one of the perks of the job and why there's no need for officers specifically tasked to dealing with counterfeit currency, obviously.
In a very strange scene, he and Phil end up next to each other in... a building with their babies and they talk babies. Which leads to Count Moonula proposing they join forces but Phil seems about enthused at the prospects as the Daleks did about joining the Cybermen.
So! Time for the big engagement party! The club is heavin'! It's no Monday but it's still pretty busy. Tanya is not best pleased at Secret Wife's lack of disappearance... she must be pretty stupid if she thinks a hundred pounds is going to send someone packing... but she feels the need to tell Kirstie that Max and then Kirstie goes on to explain Max's likes (and flaws) and then asks a question many people have asked over the years - why do they want him? We may never know.
For reasons of dramatic convenience, Lola and Phil are both at the club when Jack makes the announcement of his impending nuptials to Sharon - it's so romantic when you say the reason you're marrying someone is because your brother just died... Anyway, Lola looks shocked - because Phil's porky pies about getting married to Sharon have been exposed and Phil and Sharon share a meaningful look to DOOFS!
Jack drops off the mega-urn at Tanya's, muses briefly on how little time we are given on this Earth and then instructs everyone that it's time to move on! Good talk, Jack. Good talk. Then he's off to see Sharon at the club and takes the step of getting Bianca - who is actually doing her job - to leave, so he can talk to his wife-to-be... because you couldn't go into the office or talk later. Nope - it has to be RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!
Jack is taking his own advice, it seems as they're announcing the engagement - TONIGHT! Sharon IMMEDIATELY worries about Phil (somewhat surprisingly, she's able to remember her son AND put him before Phil though!) to whit Jack replies "what about him?" That's certainly the most realistic reaction Eastenders has had for a while.
Before the engagement announcement, he goes home where Sharon says that having it at the club is "rubbing Phil's nose in it"... come on, Sharon - Jack had two choices of venue and Phil owns 'em both! Jacknocchio immediately deduces that Sharon hasn't told Don Mitchelloni about the engagement and has a little hissy fit - always a good way to start off life together, acting like a spoilt child. Although, Sharon has had the monopoly on that so far... and asthma attacks.
Denise is rudely awakened by Zainab... because apparently them falling out (seriously, it was ONE drunken kiss!) means Denise is now homeless. Something that seems particularly stupid as it's PATRICK'S house... something that Patrick even has to point out to the brainless wonder mere moments later... but then trying to understand how exactly the B&B functions is punishment of a both cruel and unusual nature.
Raymondo clearly isn't too happy at the schism he has caused between Kim and Denise. Not surprising as this feud immediately escalates to Kim locking Denise out the house (something Denise immediately points out is idiotic given that she's in a B&B), then goes upstairs to throw a convenient bucket of water... this is how five year olds behave!
Time for a confrontation between Raymondo and Denise! Ray says things between him and Kim haven't been right for quite some time - the fact the relationship happened shows you're a deeply troubled individual, Ray... and perhaps it's that knowledge which causes Denise to say she'll take the bullet, despite the fact Ray seems willing to set the record straight (as it was he who made the first move).
Denise turns up to apologise to Kim but the brainless one is aching for a fight. Kim pronounces that Ray is the best thing that ever happened to her and that Denise is just jealous and Denise is outta there! How has she held off murdering him?
Saint Alfie has managed to lose the industrial quantities of vitriol he had toward Kat, as he sees her struggling to pay in the Minute Mart (here's a clue, Kat - if you're hard up, DON'T SHOP THERE!) and offers to give her child support but accepting the money would be far too sensible!
Poxy spots this display and confronts Alfie about the clear concern he's showing for Kat. One wonders why Alfie just decided to give his son to her, when apparently the break-up also resulted in her being fired - meaning she's a single mother with no income... Best not to search for rhyme or reason though. Poxy then discovers that Sharon gave Kat a job and looks bewildered... that's pretty much her natural state though. Poxy then somehow manages to orchestrate a very complicated (for her) plan, that involves Kat cleaning at the Vic... which cheers up Saint Alfie no end. Count Moonula even points out how pathetic this is - ouch.
Cluck, cluck, cluck! It's mother hen Phil! Micromanaging Lola's time with Lexi. Lola is back a whole twenty minutes late and cluck, cluck, cluck goes Phil. Unfortunately for Sharon, her refereeing of this bout means she doesn't tell him about the engagement! Oh no! Also, Sharon and Lola are BFFs now.
Tanya and Kirstie (Secret Wife) have a run in at the caffffffffffff, which ends with Tanya arranging for them to meet in five minutes (actually, it's thirty minutes but it could be ten seconds and it could be a trillion epochs for all the difference it makes)... then in five minutes time (see how important it was to establish that!) we get the ol' "here is money - take it and go", approach... inexplicably interrupted by Pointless Poppy. Is this some kind of mental conditioning to get people to walk more? Why use a phone when you could walk to see that person instead?!
Kirstie takes the money and leaves... Wow, that was over quickly! Phew... looks like we dodged a bullet there! Then later we see her getting in a taxi... which Tanya sees. Just as well taxis are only capable of going in one direction, thus ensuring the Secret Wife is gone FOREVER! Oh, wait - she turns up at the club... what a shocker. It would have been more shocking if she'd actually left and we weren't faced with the wretched prospect of another Max infidelity storyline that will be drawn out for months.
Count Moonula was in his counting house, counting all his counterfeit money and shows it to Jack... who as a former police officer is able to detect counterfeit notes from a hundred paces with any of his five senses... it's one of the perks of the job and why there's no need for officers specifically tasked to dealing with counterfeit currency, obviously.
In a very strange scene, he and Phil end up next to each other in... a building with their babies and they talk babies. Which leads to Count Moonula proposing they join forces but Phil seems about enthused at the prospects as the Daleks did about joining the Cybermen.
So! Time for the big engagement party! The club is heavin'! It's no Monday but it's still pretty busy. Tanya is not best pleased at Secret Wife's lack of disappearance... she must be pretty stupid if she thinks a hundred pounds is going to send someone packing... but she feels the need to tell Kirstie that Max and then Kirstie goes on to explain Max's likes (and flaws) and then asks a question many people have asked over the years - why do they want him? We may never know.
For reasons of dramatic convenience, Lola and Phil are both at the club when Jack makes the announcement of his impending nuptials to Sharon - it's so romantic when you say the reason you're marrying someone is because your brother just died... Anyway, Lola looks shocked - because Phil's porky pies about getting married to Sharon have been exposed and Phil and Sharon share a meaningful look to DOOFS!
Monday, 7 January 2013
Monday 7th January 2013
Kim finds what she thinks is a ring box in Ray's pockets and he walks in, apparently not best pleased as he tries to pull it from her hands. Oh but it's not a ring, just a necklace... Ray might be stupid enough to be going out with you Kim but marry you? He'd need to lose a lot of his brain cells to think THAT was a good idea. Oh and Denise walks in and is very obviously awkward and uncomfortable.
Ray tells her she needs to act natural - I think just the ability to string sentences together when the three of you are in a room together would be a better place to start. Ray points out that telling Kim will just hurt her and that he doesn't want to do that... Denise isn't looking too happy about it though.
Sufficiently unhappy to make the most elementary mistake of telling Patrick about what happened with Ray. Fortunately, he has the presence of mind to do pretty much the exact same thing that Ray did and tell her to just get over it, recognising that a momentary lapse of judgement isn't worth the hurt feelings it would likely cause.
Denise compliments Kim and this leads her dim witted sister to conclude she needs to force Ray to marry her. Which leads to her confronting Ray in such a way that he assumes Denise has told her about the kiss and so, we immediately get a "She came onto me!" response. Should have played it cool, man! Anyway, what's the revelation of unfaithfulness without a slap and Kim runs over to the Vic JUST to slap Denise!
Kat has apparently entered the period of mourning (although, this time she hasn't removed her thick caking of slap - she's apparently letting it decay naturally) as she's dressed all in black and tells Half-Day Alice - glumly playing with a lighter - that she'll put some money toward the bills. With the two or three full shifts she manages to work a year that could be upward of £80 in the next twelve months, looks like any potential financial woes of yours are over, Alice! She thrusts money into Alice's hand...
Max wakes up Joey for his day in court and having only an hour to get ready, he goes to see his sister, entering the room as Kat leaves and thus ensues another ill advised attempt to have Alice and Joey interact. Apparently nobody told Alice how her father died, which seems strange... not just because that's usually what normal people do but also because recounting the hilarity of Derek's demise would surely bring some levity to the situation - it will also raise awareness that ants-in-the-pants can be a fatal condition and knowing is half the battle!
Proving she's not just Alice of the Half-Day but also Alice of the Half-Brain, she is only just now working out that there was more than one person present when her father died and is apparently not best pleased at this revelation... or she could be trying to remember the capital of Bhutan - that's easy, it's Thimphu and the currency is the Bhutanese ngultrum!
Max comes to remind Joey he's got to go to court and so, Alice interrogates him about the death of her father but for Max lying comes as easily as breathing and with only half a brain, the poor girl is completely flummoxed by the eloquent gruntings of Max but she's suspicious enough to go to interrogate the rather less intellectual Jack.
Joey has apparently said Derek died begging for help - that's funny, seemed more like he cursed everyone's names and then had a fatal attack of ants-in-the-pants! Jack then just does the shockingly sensible thing of telling Alice the truth - that the Hogfather had a massive ants-in... sorry, HEART ATTACK and they all just watched and there was nothing anyone could do... Alice seems to focus on the fact no one was with him in his final moments... which seems fairly pointless as it's unlikely he'd have any useful consciousness... if only she had a brain...
Her job is not yet done though and so, she must interrogate Kat about the death of her father. Kat says she thought Derek was joking... she's not the only one! Then takes the bold step of saying she stopped Joey from help the Hogfather... This causes Alice to storm off... even though none of this makes a blind bit of difference.
Having pieced together this elaborate puzzle, she is able to tell Joey that it wasn't his fault... unless that's going to turn into the Robin Williams "It's not your fault" scene from "Good Will Hunting" (which it doesn't), that doesn't make a lick of sense but anything to get this dismal pair less screentime!
Masood, Zainab and Geordie Racer are doing cooking - hey, they're pretty good at this! Maybe they should consider setting up some kind of catering business! Zainab offers some relationship advice to Geordie Racer - the way to a man's heart is through his stomach (false, it's through the rib cage) - but really, do you want to take advice from a woman who ended up marrying the man who tried to BURN HER TO DEATH?! Geordie Racer instantly agrees and they agree a practice run. When? TONIGHT, OF COURSE! But from the expression on Geordie Racer's face - she is not at all prepared to cook as she is expected to... will wacky hijinks ensue?!
Goodness, could these be wacky hijinks? Masood walks in to find Geordie Racer making a real hash of things in the kitchen and for no adequately explained reason, Masood has to teach her to cook NOT Zainab. That we next see them side by side with Masood telling Geordie Racer she must find what her taste is seems to be setting up another slightly unwholesome relationship vibe... And Zainab tries the food and loves it!
Kat - despite having earlier thrust money into Alice's hand - is apparently jobless and comes across Bianca, who seems to be working very hard to take the title of "Walford's Biggest Loser" from Billy Idiot. If you'd forgotten that Bianca has been living hand to mouth since... well, always - she's standing there with her shoe falling to pieces. Why so subtle, Crayon Crew? Why not have her clothing torn and smear some dirt on her face too? This misery is sufficiently apparent to Kat that she just lets Bianca go for a job put up in the Minute-Mart window.
Or not as she turns up at the club to talk to Sharon about the cleaning job personally. Kat says she's do anything that pays... it's hard see this storyline ending up in anything other than Kat as a prostitute now... The only surprise there is that in a show as thoroughly woman hating as Eastenders is that it took so long but we're not quite there yet as Bianca arrives and the two are set against one another to clean the already pristine toilets of the club - goodness, it's like no one ever uses this place!
Kat gets the job but as if the Crayon Crew haven't bashed you over the head with the message that Bianca is hard-up, she has to fix her falling apart shoe again and Kat immediately talks to Sharon and goes to see Bianca and now they will share the job 50/50 - thus ensuring neither of them get a living wage! This immediately makes them BFFs.
Oh and a black teenager turns up, stares suspiciously at the car lot. Gives Abi a tenner he pretends she dropped, follows her into the caffffffffff and helps her revise and later stands outside her house with a picture of her and one of Lauren... Just another day in Walford!
Ray tells her she needs to act natural - I think just the ability to string sentences together when the three of you are in a room together would be a better place to start. Ray points out that telling Kim will just hurt her and that he doesn't want to do that... Denise isn't looking too happy about it though.
Sufficiently unhappy to make the most elementary mistake of telling Patrick about what happened with Ray. Fortunately, he has the presence of mind to do pretty much the exact same thing that Ray did and tell her to just get over it, recognising that a momentary lapse of judgement isn't worth the hurt feelings it would likely cause.
Denise compliments Kim and this leads her dim witted sister to conclude she needs to force Ray to marry her. Which leads to her confronting Ray in such a way that he assumes Denise has told her about the kiss and so, we immediately get a "She came onto me!" response. Should have played it cool, man! Anyway, what's the revelation of unfaithfulness without a slap and Kim runs over to the Vic JUST to slap Denise!
Kat has apparently entered the period of mourning (although, this time she hasn't removed her thick caking of slap - she's apparently letting it decay naturally) as she's dressed all in black and tells Half-Day Alice - glumly playing with a lighter - that she'll put some money toward the bills. With the two or three full shifts she manages to work a year that could be upward of £80 in the next twelve months, looks like any potential financial woes of yours are over, Alice! She thrusts money into Alice's hand...
Max wakes up Joey for his day in court and having only an hour to get ready, he goes to see his sister, entering the room as Kat leaves and thus ensues another ill advised attempt to have Alice and Joey interact. Apparently nobody told Alice how her father died, which seems strange... not just because that's usually what normal people do but also because recounting the hilarity of Derek's demise would surely bring some levity to the situation - it will also raise awareness that ants-in-the-pants can be a fatal condition and knowing is half the battle!
Proving she's not just Alice of the Half-Day but also Alice of the Half-Brain, she is only just now working out that there was more than one person present when her father died and is apparently not best pleased at this revelation... or she could be trying to remember the capital of Bhutan - that's easy, it's Thimphu and the currency is the Bhutanese ngultrum!
Max comes to remind Joey he's got to go to court and so, Alice interrogates him about the death of her father but for Max lying comes as easily as breathing and with only half a brain, the poor girl is completely flummoxed by the eloquent gruntings of Max but she's suspicious enough to go to interrogate the rather less intellectual Jack.
Joey has apparently said Derek died begging for help - that's funny, seemed more like he cursed everyone's names and then had a fatal attack of ants-in-the-pants! Jack then just does the shockingly sensible thing of telling Alice the truth - that the Hogfather had a massive ants-in... sorry, HEART ATTACK and they all just watched and there was nothing anyone could do... Alice seems to focus on the fact no one was with him in his final moments... which seems fairly pointless as it's unlikely he'd have any useful consciousness... if only she had a brain...
Her job is not yet done though and so, she must interrogate Kat about the death of her father. Kat says she thought Derek was joking... she's not the only one! Then takes the bold step of saying she stopped Joey from help the Hogfather... This causes Alice to storm off... even though none of this makes a blind bit of difference.
Having pieced together this elaborate puzzle, she is able to tell Joey that it wasn't his fault... unless that's going to turn into the Robin Williams "It's not your fault" scene from "Good Will Hunting" (which it doesn't), that doesn't make a lick of sense but anything to get this dismal pair less screentime!
Masood, Zainab and Geordie Racer are doing cooking - hey, they're pretty good at this! Maybe they should consider setting up some kind of catering business! Zainab offers some relationship advice to Geordie Racer - the way to a man's heart is through his stomach (false, it's through the rib cage) - but really, do you want to take advice from a woman who ended up marrying the man who tried to BURN HER TO DEATH?! Geordie Racer instantly agrees and they agree a practice run. When? TONIGHT, OF COURSE! But from the expression on Geordie Racer's face - she is not at all prepared to cook as she is expected to... will wacky hijinks ensue?!
Goodness, could these be wacky hijinks? Masood walks in to find Geordie Racer making a real hash of things in the kitchen and for no adequately explained reason, Masood has to teach her to cook NOT Zainab. That we next see them side by side with Masood telling Geordie Racer she must find what her taste is seems to be setting up another slightly unwholesome relationship vibe... And Zainab tries the food and loves it!
Kat - despite having earlier thrust money into Alice's hand - is apparently jobless and comes across Bianca, who seems to be working very hard to take the title of "Walford's Biggest Loser" from Billy Idiot. If you'd forgotten that Bianca has been living hand to mouth since... well, always - she's standing there with her shoe falling to pieces. Why so subtle, Crayon Crew? Why not have her clothing torn and smear some dirt on her face too? This misery is sufficiently apparent to Kat that she just lets Bianca go for a job put up in the Minute-Mart window.
Or not as she turns up at the club to talk to Sharon about the cleaning job personally. Kat says she's do anything that pays... it's hard see this storyline ending up in anything other than Kat as a prostitute now... The only surprise there is that in a show as thoroughly woman hating as Eastenders is that it took so long but we're not quite there yet as Bianca arrives and the two are set against one another to clean the already pristine toilets of the club - goodness, it's like no one ever uses this place!
Kat gets the job but as if the Crayon Crew haven't bashed you over the head with the message that Bianca is hard-up, she has to fix her falling apart shoe again and Kat immediately talks to Sharon and goes to see Bianca and now they will share the job 50/50 - thus ensuring neither of them get a living wage! This immediately makes them BFFs.
Oh and a black teenager turns up, stares suspiciously at the car lot. Gives Abi a tenner he pretends she dropped, follows her into the caffffffffff and helps her revise and later stands outside her house with a picture of her and one of Lauren... Just another day in Walford!
Friday, 4 January 2013
Friday 4th January 2013 Part 2
Abi chides her mother for paranoia when she immediately concludes from Max not answering his phone that he's off with Secret Wife - when that is the correct answer. Then she activates her super senses and is able to hear her father's phone and despite the fact it has just about the most generic ringtone in the world, she is able to immediately deduce it's his and then we find Max alone, having a cigarette. Dohohoho. Oh, Eastenders - playing with expectations there, eh? Ha - as if we would ever get off so easily. So, another infidelity plot begins trundling on it's tiresome way... and with Max of all people. Goodness, that's original.
Cora notes that they're going to be late and has a fantastic reaction to Abi telling her that Lauren is having a drama, "Another one?" That's pretty much how everyone should be in Eastenders. In fact, if Cora isn't careful she might be mistaken for something resembling a real person... OK, perhaps that's a bit too much hyperbole...
In what seems to be another instance of padding for the sake of padding (and because they had the cars) we are treated to a very long shot of the hearse and other cars driving VERY slowly and then we get to see from INSIDE of the cars as they drive around VERY slowly. Riveting.
Carol finally receives the letter from Doctor Holby - sorry, Ian Wicks - and realises that Derek wasn't a very nice chap and decides she isn't going to the funeral... and then Jack does a guilt trip thing because obviously, if you don't go to the funeral - THAT'S IT. It's not as if a funeral is a mere formality and really just an arbitrary ceremony and ritual that we go through to try and make ourselves feel better about the often senseless (or in the case of Walford perhaps that should be meaningless and pointless) nature of a cold and uncaring universe. No, if you don't go to the funeral then that's your chance of reconciling differences with the deceased LITERALLY DEAD AND BURIED.
Arfuuuuuuur makes the fatal mistake of trying to have a conversation with Joey. A scene that feels as if it was taken OUT of some edge comedy show for being TOO toe curlingly awkward and somehow found itself in this random episode of Eastenders. It gets so bad that Joey actually jumps out of the car (sadly, it's stationary) and starts running.
Following the long tradition of Walford crimes - Lauren and Lucy have their confrontation immediately outside the police station as police officers casually walk by but just as it looks as if Lauren is going to turn herself in (because Lucy apparently decided she wouldn't turn her in but makes Lauren think it's a good idea). Luckily Joey turns up in the nick of time - he's muttering fairly incoherently but it sounds as if he now thinks his father was great? How? Oh and he loves Lauren... again. People in Eastenders flip flop more than politicians at the beach.
Finally, we're at the funeral... just as well - at the rate it was going, it seemed as if we'd have to a few people dead of old age by the time it started. See, if Eastenders had been really smart - they'd have just coordinated the funeral and christening to happen at the same church at the same time, it would have saved a fortune.
As Joey is having a tearful reunion with Lauren and Carol has found something new to be miserable about, an intoxicated Cora stands up to talk about Derek... which turns into a bit of a rant. A meandering nonsensical one that doesn't do much beyond provide the opportunity for Joey (with Lauren in tow) and Carol to arrive as well as a mysterious high heeled stranger! Oh, it's Secret Wife - why didn't they show her face? Was that really a big reveal?
Joey then does the hardest thing he's ever had to do - try and show emotion. Fortunately, a wall is there to do most of the legwork for him and all credit to that wall, it really does a great job. It would be good to see it get some recognition at the soap awards, seldom has a piece of masonry been asked to shoulder so much responsibility in a British soap.
Ian and Alfie are in the Vic apparently toasting Derek's demise - it's about time someone did that! Alfie is again giving the very fake bravado about how great thing are. To prove this, we cut to him having a little cry during Cora's eulogy. It would drive most people to tears but the fact it can have an influence on Alfie who is mile away and can't even hear it is very impressive.
In a similarly irrelevant storyline, Jay is in the caffffffffff - hard up for cash. Phil is in an uncharacteristically generous mood - we'll see how long that lasts - showing some genuine interest in Jay before finally offering him his job back.
Cora notes that they're going to be late and has a fantastic reaction to Abi telling her that Lauren is having a drama, "Another one?" That's pretty much how everyone should be in Eastenders. In fact, if Cora isn't careful she might be mistaken for something resembling a real person... OK, perhaps that's a bit too much hyperbole...
In what seems to be another instance of padding for the sake of padding (and because they had the cars) we are treated to a very long shot of the hearse and other cars driving VERY slowly and then we get to see from INSIDE of the cars as they drive around VERY slowly. Riveting.
Carol finally receives the letter from Doctor Holby - sorry, Ian Wicks - and realises that Derek wasn't a very nice chap and decides she isn't going to the funeral... and then Jack does a guilt trip thing because obviously, if you don't go to the funeral - THAT'S IT. It's not as if a funeral is a mere formality and really just an arbitrary ceremony and ritual that we go through to try and make ourselves feel better about the often senseless (or in the case of Walford perhaps that should be meaningless and pointless) nature of a cold and uncaring universe. No, if you don't go to the funeral then that's your chance of reconciling differences with the deceased LITERALLY DEAD AND BURIED.
Arfuuuuuuur makes the fatal mistake of trying to have a conversation with Joey. A scene that feels as if it was taken OUT of some edge comedy show for being TOO toe curlingly awkward and somehow found itself in this random episode of Eastenders. It gets so bad that Joey actually jumps out of the car (sadly, it's stationary) and starts running.
Following the long tradition of Walford crimes - Lauren and Lucy have their confrontation immediately outside the police station as police officers casually walk by but just as it looks as if Lauren is going to turn herself in (because Lucy apparently decided she wouldn't turn her in but makes Lauren think it's a good idea). Luckily Joey turns up in the nick of time - he's muttering fairly incoherently but it sounds as if he now thinks his father was great? How? Oh and he loves Lauren... again. People in Eastenders flip flop more than politicians at the beach.
Finally, we're at the funeral... just as well - at the rate it was going, it seemed as if we'd have to a few people dead of old age by the time it started. See, if Eastenders had been really smart - they'd have just coordinated the funeral and christening to happen at the same church at the same time, it would have saved a fortune.
As Joey is having a tearful reunion with Lauren and Carol has found something new to be miserable about, an intoxicated Cora stands up to talk about Derek... which turns into a bit of a rant. A meandering nonsensical one that doesn't do much beyond provide the opportunity for Joey (with Lauren in tow) and Carol to arrive as well as a mysterious high heeled stranger! Oh, it's Secret Wife - why didn't they show her face? Was that really a big reveal?
Joey then does the hardest thing he's ever had to do - try and show emotion. Fortunately, a wall is there to do most of the legwork for him and all credit to that wall, it really does a great job. It would be good to see it get some recognition at the soap awards, seldom has a piece of masonry been asked to shoulder so much responsibility in a British soap.
Ian and Alfie are in the Vic apparently toasting Derek's demise - it's about time someone did that! Alfie is again giving the very fake bravado about how great thing are. To prove this, we cut to him having a little cry during Cora's eulogy. It would drive most people to tears but the fact it can have an influence on Alfie who is mile away and can't even hear it is very impressive.
In a similarly irrelevant storyline, Jay is in the caffffffffff - hard up for cash. Phil is in an uncharacteristically generous mood - we'll see how long that lasts - showing some genuine interest in Jay before finally offering him his job back.
Friday 4th January 2013
Tanya is offering a justification of why the death of Derek has caused upset rather than merriment... it's flimsy to say the least.
Jacknocchio and Max have decided the best way to honour Derek is to go round and coerce Joey into going to the funeral. Not content with the standard Walford brand intimidating language (they ain't asking!), they actually manhandle him off the sofa for his Walford brand intimidating language. Ironically, that probably is just what Derek and 'is 'eart as black as pitch would have wanted.
Secret Wife clearly feeling that she needs to throw herself in at the deep end, takes some sandwiches to Misery Guts Carol... and receives a tirade from Walford's most cheerful resident, which culminates in Misery Guts Carol telling Secret Wife that she has to deliver an ultimatum.
Lucy and Lauren meet in the almost abandoned laundry... rather awkwardly because Lucy saw Joey and Lauren kissing. Lucy jumps to the rather strange conclusion that Lauren had to have Joey because she was copying her, before making a snide remark about the fact Joey is family - what, no "keeping it in the family" joke?!
Lauren then makes the schoolboy error of confessing she was driving Derek's car (drunk, no less) when it crashed to her mortal frenemy. Guess how that turns out? With Lucy marching to the police station to tell them... with her long track record of being manipulative, spiteful and vindictive AND the fact she had feelings for Joey who could possibly have seen that coming? Anyone. Even Kim and Poxy would have put that down as a bad idea... but nope, Lauren had the idiot ball... seriously, wouldn't this scene have made more sense if she was at least drunk?
Jacknocchio is clearly in a mood to work with his hands because after having pushed Joey around, he's handling the incredibly gauche funeral wreathes that spell out "BROTHER" and "DEREK"... He clearly realises that he made a massive error in judgement paying to have such a horribly tacky display for the brother he was pretty much willing to murder a week ago because it moves him to tears. Showing the wide diversity of coping methods and proving Eastenders is nothing if not a bastion of good role models, Max is hitting the scotch on his own before noon.
Pointless Poppy turns up at Half-Day Alice's house, telling Alice and Kat (who has gone from basted turkey to overly dry turkey) that cornflakes relieve stress. Yes - it's all the prozac they put in them, Poppy. Half-Day Alice can barely finish sentences fortunately, she never says anything of consequence - white noise is more memorable. Oh and Pointless Poppy tries to talk her through the stages of grief... which fills Kat with enough hatred of humanity, that she walks out and immediately insults Joey.
Joey then lists off the reasons for hating his father which include his emotional and physical abuse of both his mother and him (sufficiently serious to hospitalise his mother), him being a career criminal and of course, the absence that led to... and then Kat delivers a bizarre rant about how Joey needs to grow up, which seems to imply that he can't care for his sister AND hate his father. She's probably suffering make-up withdrawal. Poppy imbues Alice with some more pearls of wisdom and Joey is coming to the funeral now!
Max and Secret Wife meet out in the open so there's nothing suspicious or untoward going on. No, wait - sorry. They meet in the back alley on the Square where people only meet when they're doing something suspicious or untoward and someone needs to seem them and Secret Wife says she hates Max. That's not very nice, he just offered to pay your train fare - he'll probably have to remortgage the house for that!
Carol and Jack talk about their childhood. Apparently it was miserable. Quelle surprise and then the seemingly endless stream of cars pull in... With Cora offering her opinion on the funeral, it feels as if she's trying out to be some kind of BBC funeral commentator... Unfortunately she relates this to Sharon, who looks like she's realising today was a bad day to stop taking opiates.
In the laundrette, as one generally leaves washing of clothes to the last second, Lauren's impromptu disappearance has caused havoc. Tanya then holds her phone skyward and declares "I can't get a signal". Oh no, if only the cars were WITHIN SHOUTING DISTANCE. As it turns out, this is merely dramatic contrivance for her to go outside and say "where are you Max?!" only for us to hear a phone ringing in the distance... and then after Abi telling us that Lauren is at the police station, we cut to Max and his wife, kissing in the alley... so, the secret to a woman's heart is with an on-peak rail ticket! THAT'S HIS SECRET!
Jacknocchio and Max have decided the best way to honour Derek is to go round and coerce Joey into going to the funeral. Not content with the standard Walford brand intimidating language (they ain't asking!), they actually manhandle him off the sofa for his Walford brand intimidating language. Ironically, that probably is just what Derek and 'is 'eart as black as pitch would have wanted.
Secret Wife clearly feeling that she needs to throw herself in at the deep end, takes some sandwiches to Misery Guts Carol... and receives a tirade from Walford's most cheerful resident, which culminates in Misery Guts Carol telling Secret Wife that she has to deliver an ultimatum.
Lucy and Lauren meet in the almost abandoned laundry... rather awkwardly because Lucy saw Joey and Lauren kissing. Lucy jumps to the rather strange conclusion that Lauren had to have Joey because she was copying her, before making a snide remark about the fact Joey is family - what, no "keeping it in the family" joke?!
Lauren then makes the schoolboy error of confessing she was driving Derek's car (drunk, no less) when it crashed to her mortal frenemy. Guess how that turns out? With Lucy marching to the police station to tell them... with her long track record of being manipulative, spiteful and vindictive AND the fact she had feelings for Joey who could possibly have seen that coming? Anyone. Even Kim and Poxy would have put that down as a bad idea... but nope, Lauren had the idiot ball... seriously, wouldn't this scene have made more sense if she was at least drunk?
Jacknocchio is clearly in a mood to work with his hands because after having pushed Joey around, he's handling the incredibly gauche funeral wreathes that spell out "BROTHER" and "DEREK"... He clearly realises that he made a massive error in judgement paying to have such a horribly tacky display for the brother he was pretty much willing to murder a week ago because it moves him to tears. Showing the wide diversity of coping methods and proving Eastenders is nothing if not a bastion of good role models, Max is hitting the scotch on his own before noon.
Pointless Poppy turns up at Half-Day Alice's house, telling Alice and Kat (who has gone from basted turkey to overly dry turkey) that cornflakes relieve stress. Yes - it's all the prozac they put in them, Poppy. Half-Day Alice can barely finish sentences fortunately, she never says anything of consequence - white noise is more memorable. Oh and Pointless Poppy tries to talk her through the stages of grief... which fills Kat with enough hatred of humanity, that she walks out and immediately insults Joey.
Joey then lists off the reasons for hating his father which include his emotional and physical abuse of both his mother and him (sufficiently serious to hospitalise his mother), him being a career criminal and of course, the absence that led to... and then Kat delivers a bizarre rant about how Joey needs to grow up, which seems to imply that he can't care for his sister AND hate his father. She's probably suffering make-up withdrawal. Poppy imbues Alice with some more pearls of wisdom and Joey is coming to the funeral now!
Max and Secret Wife meet out in the open so there's nothing suspicious or untoward going on. No, wait - sorry. They meet in the back alley on the Square where people only meet when they're doing something suspicious or untoward and someone needs to seem them and Secret Wife says she hates Max. That's not very nice, he just offered to pay your train fare - he'll probably have to remortgage the house for that!
Carol and Jack talk about their childhood. Apparently it was miserable. Quelle surprise and then the seemingly endless stream of cars pull in... With Cora offering her opinion on the funeral, it feels as if she's trying out to be some kind of BBC funeral commentator... Unfortunately she relates this to Sharon, who looks like she's realising today was a bad day to stop taking opiates.
In the laundrette, as one generally leaves washing of clothes to the last second, Lauren's impromptu disappearance has caused havoc. Tanya then holds her phone skyward and declares "I can't get a signal". Oh no, if only the cars were WITHIN SHOUTING DISTANCE. As it turns out, this is merely dramatic contrivance for her to go outside and say "where are you Max?!" only for us to hear a phone ringing in the distance... and then after Abi telling us that Lauren is at the police station, we cut to Max and his wife, kissing in the alley... so, the secret to a woman's heart is with an on-peak rail ticket! THAT'S HIS SECRET!
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Thursday 3rd January 2013
Max and Tanya are back from their honeymoon - both looking suitably miserable but apparently Secret Wife has gone. Cue discussion of Max and Tanya's relationship... Yawn but at least the Secret Wife is gone! After all, the notion of someone just uprooting themselves overnight is ridiculous!
Denise says she's fine - meaning she isn't. This leads to Kim planning a double date which mutates into a triple date due to Zainab. THE HORROR! Which only escalates, as they inform Denise of their plan and Ian looks on, grinning like a loon.
She arrives at the party to find herself between Ian and AJ - something that most would deem both cruel and unusual punishment. Painfully unfunny comedy hijinks ensue with the fact that this was all just a thinly veiled means to get Denise a man revealed in the most prosaic manner possible. The Crayon Crew make the boldly regressive step of pretty much having everyone (including Denise herself) agree that the lack of a man in her life, makes her a failure...
Denise pours her heart out to Ray and confesses that it's so impossible for a single woman to be happy that she was considering going to see Lucas. Yes, Lucas the superpowered serial killer that killed her ex-husband, faked her death, kidnapped her and was presumably going to get around to killing her sooner or later... That may just have set women's rights so far back that we're talking about a period before creatures even emerged from the oceans to walk on the land... Oh and the icing on the cake is that she and Ray end up sharing a kiss.
A quick fake out with Sharon as it looks as if Phil is talking to her but it turns out that she's with Jack and Phil is talking to Lexi. Wanting to start married life together on the right foot, Sharon wants to keep their engagement a secret and hasn't told Jack about Phil's proposal... Just the kind of thing the kind of honesty and integrity that would finally convince you that a 40+ emotional wreck of a single mother with a substance abuse problem and an old flame who is Walford's crime boss supreme and has JUST stated his intention to win her back is the woman for you, no?
Surprisingly, Jacknocchio isn't even slightly upset about Sharon's lie of omission. In a world where people fly into murderous rages at the drop of a hat - Jack amongst them - he's just acting far too unfazed by this. So unfazed that off he goes to get her a ring.
Sharon goes to give the increasingly maternal Phil (it's almost a surprise he isn't trying to nurse Lexi) to hand the ring back and reject his proposal. She mentions their history together... yes, you've got history with Phil - MOST OF IT BAD. Alarmingly though, Phil while clearly not best pleased by this turn of events - says he's neither going to start a fight with her nor will he go and beat up Jack... This is starting to feel downright spooky!
Half-Day Alice and Joey have a chat... Kat sums up pretty much anyone's reaction to the mere prospect of this by opening the door on them and then immediately leaving... and why exactly is she still staying at Derek's house? A question so pertinent, even the human glass of water feels compelled to ask her - and apparently it's because Derek wouldn't want her on the streets.
Lauren discovers the return of Joey and stops by to pine like a lovesick puppy for her cousin. Fortunately, this leads to Joey saying something that makes Half-Day Alice strop off. Although, this somehow leads to her and Kat talking about the death of Derek... more tedium and as if the discussion of human mortality and the inevitability of death's embrace hasn't made you glad you've taken to locking away all sharp objects before watching Eastenders, Misery Guts Carol turns up.
Having received a less than warm reception from Joey earlier, Lauren has remembered her alcohol problem again and is hence in the Vic, drowning her sorrows and then Joey arrives and pretty much the exact same conversation they've had a dozen times since the car crash occurs where Lauren accuses Joey of not loving her... but this is fortunately cut short by the revelation that... THE SECRET WIFE IS HERE! And Max and Tanya are going to the pub! ONOES!
Plot contrivance means that Max gets to see Secret Wife outside, where he can grunt at her in his guttural tongue before entering the Vic and suggesting they leave and when Secret Wife appears behind the bar, Tanya immediately jumps to the conclusion that she and Max have somehow been colluding or some such... thank goodness for that! With Phil and Jack not immediately going nanners things in the Square were just starting to get TOO reasonable! Anyway, Tanya storms off followed by Max.
And to further prove that this is the Walford we've all come to know - Phil shows up at the Vic and tells Jack (with Sharon RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM) that all he's won is the humiliation when Sharon comes back to him... Oh and next week - Phil grows a moustache to twirl, while he ties Sharon to some train tracks. Not really - that would be far more plausible than this storyline.
Denise says she's fine - meaning she isn't. This leads to Kim planning a double date which mutates into a triple date due to Zainab. THE HORROR! Which only escalates, as they inform Denise of their plan and Ian looks on, grinning like a loon.
She arrives at the party to find herself between Ian and AJ - something that most would deem both cruel and unusual punishment. Painfully unfunny comedy hijinks ensue with the fact that this was all just a thinly veiled means to get Denise a man revealed in the most prosaic manner possible. The Crayon Crew make the boldly regressive step of pretty much having everyone (including Denise herself) agree that the lack of a man in her life, makes her a failure...
Denise pours her heart out to Ray and confesses that it's so impossible for a single woman to be happy that she was considering going to see Lucas. Yes, Lucas the superpowered serial killer that killed her ex-husband, faked her death, kidnapped her and was presumably going to get around to killing her sooner or later... That may just have set women's rights so far back that we're talking about a period before creatures even emerged from the oceans to walk on the land... Oh and the icing on the cake is that she and Ray end up sharing a kiss.
A quick fake out with Sharon as it looks as if Phil is talking to her but it turns out that she's with Jack and Phil is talking to Lexi. Wanting to start married life together on the right foot, Sharon wants to keep their engagement a secret and hasn't told Jack about Phil's proposal... Just the kind of thing the kind of honesty and integrity that would finally convince you that a 40+ emotional wreck of a single mother with a substance abuse problem and an old flame who is Walford's crime boss supreme and has JUST stated his intention to win her back is the woman for you, no?
Surprisingly, Jacknocchio isn't even slightly upset about Sharon's lie of omission. In a world where people fly into murderous rages at the drop of a hat - Jack amongst them - he's just acting far too unfazed by this. So unfazed that off he goes to get her a ring.
Sharon goes to give the increasingly maternal Phil (it's almost a surprise he isn't trying to nurse Lexi) to hand the ring back and reject his proposal. She mentions their history together... yes, you've got history with Phil - MOST OF IT BAD. Alarmingly though, Phil while clearly not best pleased by this turn of events - says he's neither going to start a fight with her nor will he go and beat up Jack... This is starting to feel downright spooky!
Half-Day Alice and Joey have a chat... Kat sums up pretty much anyone's reaction to the mere prospect of this by opening the door on them and then immediately leaving... and why exactly is she still staying at Derek's house? A question so pertinent, even the human glass of water feels compelled to ask her - and apparently it's because Derek wouldn't want her on the streets.
Lauren discovers the return of Joey and stops by to pine like a lovesick puppy for her cousin. Fortunately, this leads to Joey saying something that makes Half-Day Alice strop off. Although, this somehow leads to her and Kat talking about the death of Derek... more tedium and as if the discussion of human mortality and the inevitability of death's embrace hasn't made you glad you've taken to locking away all sharp objects before watching Eastenders, Misery Guts Carol turns up.
Having received a less than warm reception from Joey earlier, Lauren has remembered her alcohol problem again and is hence in the Vic, drowning her sorrows and then Joey arrives and pretty much the exact same conversation they've had a dozen times since the car crash occurs where Lauren accuses Joey of not loving her... but this is fortunately cut short by the revelation that... THE SECRET WIFE IS HERE! And Max and Tanya are going to the pub! ONOES!
Plot contrivance means that Max gets to see Secret Wife outside, where he can grunt at her in his guttural tongue before entering the Vic and suggesting they leave and when Secret Wife appears behind the bar, Tanya immediately jumps to the conclusion that she and Max have somehow been colluding or some such... thank goodness for that! With Phil and Jack not immediately going nanners things in the Square were just starting to get TOO reasonable! Anyway, Tanya storms off followed by Max.
And to further prove that this is the Walford we've all come to know - Phil shows up at the Vic and tells Jack (with Sharon RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM) that all he's won is the humiliation when Sharon comes back to him... Oh and next week - Phil grows a moustache to twirl, while he ties Sharon to some train tracks. Not really - that would be far more plausible than this storyline.
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Tuesday 1st January 2013
Phil is still as broody as ever as everyone prepares for the christening of Lexi - an event so important that Sharon's kinder egg abomination has been released from his holding pen at the 24/7 boarding school to ask if godparents are actually gods - sorry Crayon Crew, Outnumbered this ain't.
Jacknocchio apparently hasn't told Sharon that Phil now plans to steal her away from him... Instead choosing to passive aggressively make comments about her going to Lexi's christening. Although, generally in Eastenders trying to tell someone something like that results in them exploding (not literally, sadly) and them immediately not trusting anything that is said.
Jacknocchio decides that going to see Phil is the best course of action and Phil has sufficient brassneck to say that he STILL intends to pursue Sharon... the idea of anyone wanting to fight over the wreck of a woman that is Sharon is preposterous but then perhaps this is the Crayon Crew doing their part for gender equality - after all, Phil is one of the Square's most prolific Lotharios and even his long time squeeze Shirley felt compelled to describe him as looking like a sunburnt boiled egg.
After the mandatory shouting of threats, Jack storms off with Phil stopping JUST short of doing a Catherine Tate impression to show how bothered he is by this display. Cue Lola and Billy Idiot - for once, Lola doesn't immediately start acting like a spoilt child when she finds that Lexi is ready to go... perhaps that her New Year's resolution?
Cora tells Jay that Phil is a clever man and that he's brought three houses together overnight - "a nice little empire", she calls it... what, did Eastenders just become Game of Thrones? Somehow, being godparents is all part of Phil's elaborate plan for hegemony of all of Walford! How, why... these aren't details Cora bothers to explain.
Sharon forgets about the invention of the mobile phone (a regular occurrence in Walford) and has to go looking for Jacknocchio. This gives Shirley to oppurtunity to tell her that she should never have let Phil in! Wow, Shirley has become amazingly one note since her return - has she uttered a single sentence that doesn't amount to verb adjective Phil?
The mostly hotly contested woman in Walford manages to find Jack though and after recounting the fact she was a homeless, jobless single mother and Jack took her off the streets (and wasn't even bothered by the fact she has a substance abuse problem) and apparently forgetting the massive amount of tolerance he showed for her sham engagement to Phil - Sharon now immediately equates a reasonable request from Jack for her to not involve herself with an ex to orders. She also seems to have a mild asthma attack during this scene... or that could be her acting... Oh and Jack gives the worst proposal ever before Sharon strides off.
Lola bemoans the apparent cost of the christening - commenting that no one spends this much money without wanting something in return... are you only JUST working that out? Or did you forget the constant suspicion you've had of Phil from the second he gained custody? She and Billy Idiot are standing around gawking as Phil looks for Sharon...
Phil finds Sharon in his house and they have a heart to heart - where the Crayon Crew feel the need to point out the rinse and repeat nature of Eastenders. Leave pointing out the idiocy of Eastenders to the pros, guys. Obviously with a christening to get to - it's time for a heart to heart. Where Phil makes it clear that he wants to hook up with Sharon - they also throw around the word empire a couple more times... are we going to find out that Phil is planning to claim the Iron Throne of the Westeros?! If so, his first move is apparently proposing to Sharon.
Phil finally gets around to going to the christening he arranged, only to find out that Lexi is nowhere to be seen and that's because Lola has discovered that the order of service for the christening names Lexi a Mitchell! Which prompts Lola to abscond with her baby, oh dear. Phil turns up and Lola instantly jumps into shouty tirade, followed by tearful breakdown. Apparently Lexi being a Mitchell is a big deal and prompts Phil to reveal his proposal to Sharon and this is sufficient to make Lola (who has just finished going on about how her name is important) reconsider.
Even Jacknocchio's wooden brain has pieced together the information that Count Moonula has been dropping and he realises that Phil proposed to Sharon and so, he and Count Moonula turn up to the church... only to find that Phil isn't there... it's starting to feel like there should be Benny Hill music playing or possibly some Carry On jokes.
FINALLY, everyone is at the church... took them long enough, interglacial periods have been shorter! So, Sharon goes to see Jacknocchio looking as emotional as a block of wood can (less emotional than an IKEA flat pack, as it turns out) over the grave of his son and they are fully reconciled because his son died or something.
Lola is barely able to contain her anger as Phil completely ignores her when he insists the ceremony start without Sharon... why does she constantly act surprised at this? Then there's more padding with the boring christening ceremony... clearly, they had the church for the day as we have to hear every line, see every step. Yawn.
Lexi isn't going to go through with the naming though - as Sharon isn't there - but then, like an angel with a bad wig, she appears! And Lexi is named a Mitchell... why exactly does that matter? Lola clearly stated earlier than she's Lexi Pearce on the birth certificate!
And then Phil, Sharon and Jack all disappear at the same time so Sharon can accept a proposal! BUT IT'S FROM SOMEONE OFFSCREEN! 2012 was the year of the Phantom Shagger, will 2013 be the year of Phantom Proposer?!
AJ's spiking of the punch is causing Geordie Racer to vomit... uh... she might be feeling wretched (which is unlikely in itself as she can't have had more than a couple of glasses of the stuff) but for her to still be violently ill? Unlikely... and this is when Zainab finds that Geordie Racer's future husband is coming for lunch. Will hilarity ensue? If you see any pigs flying over the frozen wastes of Hell, then there might just be a chance of that.
As it turns out, Geordie Racer knew the punch was alcoholic. WHAT A TWIST! But the future in-laws arrive in but one hour! TIME TO DO A MONTAGE! Not really. There's some debate about arranged marriage but really nothing substantial - apparently there are only two course for Geordie Racer to pursue. Arranged marriage or clubbing. It's not as if you could meet someone through work, a circle of friends, common interests, general real life encounters or online dating. Nope, it has to be clubbing or arranged marriage. No middle ground.
Geordie Racer has disappeared though - a fact so disconcerting it suddenly makes Tamwar sound as if he's talking in a completely different room to everyone else! Cue awkward scene with the future in-law all sitting silently while they try and find Geordie Racer.
As it turns out, Geordie Racer is hiding out in the Square and has a chat with Sharon. Things that last - last for a reason, Sharon says tritely but fortunately, Masood is able to spy her though. Time for a heart to heart in the playground but breaking new ground, it's on the see-saw not the swings! With Geordie Racer being told it's her life.
Then it turns out that her potential husband is an alright guy... hoorah?
Poxy is all bubbly about moving in with Alfie... despite it obviously being a big mistake as he's not even been broken up with Kat for a week and had been in a relationship with her for YEARS. Count Moonula is not best pleased - he mentions the strange mind altering powers of the Vic and the fact her father was murdered there. Nice.
Alfie is making the bed and sees the leopard skin cushion that reminds him of his slapper of a wife, before going through to the living room to take down the large picture of him, Kat and Tommy - cradling it like a child. Yes, Alfie - you are clearly in a great place to start a new relationship! Then there's the excessive canoodling as Poxy moves in, a lot of awkwardness... probably to help pad out this hour long episode and no doubt the next few months...
Kim bustles around to reveal that Shirley is at the B&B. In fact, even the woman with no brain is apparently able to realise that as a B&B, they shouldn't have freeloaders as guests are their livelihood. Just as well this is the wacky world of Walford, where everything is made up and money doesn't matter (except when it does - which is when and only when the plot requires it to) but apparently Shirley might get the job at maybe-not-KFC, according to Denise.
And she's right!
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