Monday 3rd December 2012

Phil and Ian get up, all dressed up - which can only mean they're off to court but their exchanging of meaningful stares is interrupted by the return of Arfuuuuuuuurrrrr and Alfie. Where's a maritime tragedy when you need one? Sharon asks Phil if he's OK, eliciting a grunt from him and then Ian seems to remember that he had a mental breakdown (one so bad he sometimes acts as if he never had it!) sitting on the stair before saying that he isn't going to Skeletor (Lucy Beale).

Skeletor - suddenly acting as if she actually cares about her father - tells Phil that her father isn't upto seeing Ben but Phil "ain't 'avin' this!" Although, that's probably a slightly better grasp of mental health issues than any of the Crayon Crew have. Fortunately, Sharon turns up and just by saying "Phil?" he runs off.

Jay opens the door and exchanges meaningful glances with Phil before returning inside to pace in front of Abi (apparently he'll just get a slap on the wrist!), while Sharon - apparently unperturbed her previous interaction moments ago led to Phil walking away without a word - points out that it might be a bit suspicious if she (pretending to be his fiance) doesn't go to a hearing with him... because it's not as if this is the real world and people might not be able to get the time off work or anything!

She reassures Jacknocchio - who is actually being terribly accepting of Sharon's law breaking faux relationship with Phil - that she's just helping out but even the wooden Jacknocchio has to bristle a bit at the situation. He really should be more irritated - Sharon playing house with an old flame in a clearly illegal gambit to get Phil custody of a child? In a world where people are almost always as illogical and unreasonable as one could conceive - Jacknoccio is actually guilty of being TOO understanding and TOO reasonable here.

Meanwhile, Ian (having managed to forget about his breakdown again) says he could have fixed all of this by telling Ben to retract his statement. Apparently that would have magically fixed everything and in a rare moment of Eastenders being realistic, Ian concedes that it's just wishful thinking... that's our reality quota for the next few years met and then some!

Phil returns and we find out that Gok Ben has been sent down for four years and Jay has been given COMMUNITY SERVICE! DUN DUN DUN! This is so depressing that Jay goes to sit in the Arches (not as if it has seen much use in the past few months), playing with a lighter until Don Mitchelloni comes in. Jay remarks on the story they cooked up not being up to much and it goes into the predictable "I could have stopped him."

Apparently it's OK though, Phil knew that Gok Ben was a "timebomb" and that if it wasn't 'Ev, it would have been someone else. Then Phil launches into HIS regret speech! Yawn. This leads to him forgiving Jay unconditionally (until his next characteristic change of heart) and gives him the best piece of advice anyone can ever give you in Walford - "get out". A handshake and tearful hug with all the emotional impact of losing some of your digestive in your tea ensues.

Somehow, Sharon is outside JUST as Jay exits... everyone seems to be standing around outside without coats a lot given the fact it's December... He then goes to give Abi a hug, which is unfortunately shot in such a way that his smile looks hilariously creepy rather than touching.

Sharon tells Phil that he needs to try and do things right with Lexi, only for a familiar raspy voice to say "'Ow sweeet." It looks like... SHIRLEY HAS RETURNED!

Alfie gets into the Vic where Jean instantly says that Kat received a call FROM A MYSTERY LOVER (he doesn't look too happy at that - even though she was joking) before Derek and Jacknocchio come to see what goodies Walford's most irritating cheeky chappy has brought back from Germany. He then uploads all this junk right outside the Vic - even Poxy remarks on the idiocy.

He then has to try and call his beloved slag of a wife because she hasn't answered her phone. DUN DUN DUN! Perhaps the Phantom Shagger has become the PHANTOM SERIAL KILLER! No, it seems unlikely the Crayon Crew would be sufficiently imaginative or merciful enough to have offed Kat... so we cut to later and Alfie has somehow procured a stall from which to hawk his German tat - bringing him into conflict with Derek, who being the interim Walford crimeboss (while Phil stares at people and deflates) is running dodgy gear from under a market stall... on a busy thorough fare in broad daylight. It's so stupid, it's GENIUS!

Arfuuuuuur spots Pointless Poppy and becomes a little too flush with confidence, goading Derek by calling him a chicken. Derek McFly Branning can't stand people calling him chicken though and so the two stalls are now engaged in... A BATTLE TO THE DEATH... meaning, whoever makes the most gives up their Christmas Eve's takings! DUN DUN DUN! He's taking this competition so seriously, that he immediately leaves and takes Pointless Poppy an early Christmas present - a tacky snowglobe... but this is Pointless Poppy.

Kat returns - having apparently been incapable of answering her phone all day - and shows Alfie a present she got him. He then adds another paragraph or two to the hagiography of St. Alfie of Walford by presenting her with a necklace that has similar stones to that of the ring which she pawned (and the Phantom Shagger returned). Kat does another, "I feel so bad!" speech.

Lauren starts asking about Ava - yawn. Can't she go back to being long lost? Then she's off to visit Cora to do some boozing but Cora shows some rare common sense and tells her that it's a bad idea. That just leaves Lauren and the bottle of booze but apparently the jam on her forehead seems to be almost gone. This allows her to prepare for Monday night - which as we know IS PARTY NIGHT! So, she turns up to the club half-cut and it is HEAVING!

Given her current animosity toward Joey (and indeed, that of both Skeletor AND Twitney toward him... but then they seem to have forgotten the falling out they had with Lauren, so it's another shake of the etch-a-sketch memories all round, apparently), the club seems a strange choice of venues... being a badly written drunk, the first thing she does is knock something clumsily to the floor before shouting abuse at Joey and leaving.

Except she doesn't leave! She's still confused by Joey's actions and Joey both looking and thinking like a glass of water doesn't just tell her that his father is blackmailing him and so, Lauren forlornly sits on the stairs of the club, posing a major fire hazard and a big 'elf and safety violation. Really, she needs to get back to her MEGA-FRINGE to really work the emo-vibe. Think of all the emoting that could be down purely by hairflicks... and when half of the relationship is Joey "The Cliff" Branning, you need all the emoting you can get.

Bianca has (another) trial at the salon and Carol offers some encouragement by pointing the last one went belly up. This leads to her making promises that will be broken almost as certainly as the sun rises. As predicted, Lola and Bianca doing their trial at the same time - which might give people the impression the salon actually has staff members (who outnumber customers four to one) - leads to INSTANT hilarity. Apparently, they're both "OK" but Tanya reminds them that they are both working for "tips only".

Cora and Patrick meet in the Vic - having apparently reconciled - when Patrick reveals he's off again because if there's one thing men with no job living on fixed incomes can do, it's take regular and lengthy trips abroad! Hardly uncommon but this probably means Patrick won't be back for a few months, eh it's not as if he has been anything but a placeholder character for the past few years anyway.