Liam is in the police station.
Ava gets a threat in the mail. DUN DUN DUN!
Bianca tells Liam she grassed him up and the interview begins!
Dexter Fletcher is fretting over his mother but she insists she doesn't need a bodyguard.
The Walford PD try to interview Liam but they've got Bianca shouting the odds BECAUSE SHOUTING EQUALS DRAMA! Thankfully, Liam wants someone that isn't the gingah whingah.
Lest that doesn't set your pulse racing, it's back to THE CAKE WARS! More heart pounding action than anyone can handle as Ian tells Denise his plans.
The police try to get some answers out of Liam but he ain't a snitch, guvnah!
DA YOUFFFFFFFF apparently all got bailed without charge and so Liam runs off to kiss and make-up with Kane. Aww, young love!
The car crash of Ava and Billy Idiot continues. Yawn.
Bianca needs to get to the estate - how far away is this estate? Oh, right - as far away as the plot needs it to be. This seems fairly ridiculous as Liam is there in a trice, IMMEDIATELY meeting up with DA YOUFF. Goodness, it's like trying to find a needless in a haystack... except the needle is made of a ferrous material and you've got a GIGANTIC ELECTROMAGNET.
Sharon - insufferable person she is - has decided as the world revolves around her, that the most reasonable thing to do due to her busy day (scoff!) is to move the cake tasting FORWARD... Oh, that's not asinine at all! This flusters Ian and he has to rush off to get icing sugar... but Jean gets the last box, she even suggests he go to a supermarket. That's really where you should do all your shopping to be fair.
Ian then launches into a speech about how Jean should understand him going nanners because she's the village mad woman. He seems extremely contrite... which runs in direct contrast to how he was last night when one could be forgiven for thinking he'd regressed to the Ian Beale of yore.
Billy Idiot tells his sob story to Ava but is interrupted by the arrival of Dexter Fletcher, who updates his mother on Liam's incredible teleportation to the estate where he was able to almost INSTANTLY be found by the gang, who were then instantly found by him... a lot of coincidences, eh? Billy Idiot then offers his help and Dexter Fletcher gives him a look akin to something you'd scrape off your shoe... which is really a look he should get every waking moment.
Bianca is now on the estate and trying to call the bluff of Kane's mad dog father... before we see if he'd break her arm, Misery Guts Carol appears to call her away.
Liam and the gang are now in a playground as Kane appears, looking none too happy. They try to generate tension but utterly fail, even as they all circle around them and Bianca runs down stairs... wow, even when Liam gets stabbed it's pretty dull.
To add to the dull - Denise is getting stood up by Ian due to CAKE WARS!
The Butcher boy is now in the hospital and blames Bianca for his predicament... eh, with the ginger whinger as your mother you're pretty much playing Russian roulette with only one chamber empty.
As the Cake Wars drag on, Sharon likes Ian's cake but he's suspicious that Jean has thrown the contest.
Bianca decides to vent her frustration on a vending machine and then a security guard. If there's a problem she can't make worse by shouting at it, she hasn't found it! Fortunately, Ava intercedes.
The Cake Wars are finally over and Ian gracefully invites Jean to help him with the buffet.
Sadly, Liam is going to be fine... and Misery Guts Carol says the most ridiculous thing ever... the police can protect Liam 24/7, or at least that's the direct implication of her words. Uh, no. No they can't. The real police couldn't do that and the Walford police is orders of magnitude more inept.
Denise being well aware of Ian's mental health concerns decides the best way to react to him being late for their lunch date is to shove cake in his face... Young at heart? Are all the women trying their best to act like petulant children? All it takes is a grovelling apology and bribery for him to win his heart back into her affections... after all, it's not as if that was a colossal over-reaction or anything! It really does seem as if the Crayon Crew will not rest until women are chained to the stove and can no longer vote.
Bianca does some crying - because crying also equals drama - and then one of Walford's finest shows up to tell her getting stabbed will change Liam's mind.
Ava returns home to find her place has been trashed. Dexter Fletcher is OK but he says they need to leave the ghetto.
Finally we have Bianca telling Liam he started this and he needs to end it and then she walks out to have a cry because crying is dramatic! You know, for an episode where someone was stabbed this really would have had to work hard to be more tedious and lacklustre.
Friday, 29 March 2013
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Thursday 28th March 2013
DA YOUFFFFFFF are still on the estate and Liam suffers a crisis of confidence when he says the fuzz but with some suitable brow beating from
Misery Guts Carol tries to tell Bianca she has done her best but she isn't so sure. Rightly so.
Liam's gang initiation continues with a bit of a scrap and in yet another incredible piece of coincidence, she (with Dexter Fletcher) come upon Liam and one of the nameless gang members punching one another on the ground. Shouldn't they BOTH be at work?
Oh and Dexter Fletcher was in the same gang that Liam is in now and has history with the gang leader... Also, apparently Liam didn't grow up on the estate, so he can't cope with the thug life like Dexter Fletcher... because obviously Walford is such a well heeled place.
Arfuuuuuuuuuur laments his ill fortune but realises the real treasure is friendship or something. Yawn.
Ava has now taken Liam under her wing but he has yet to see that the gang doesn't really care about him... and apparently thinks it's a good idea to try starting on Dexter Fletcher... it's perhaps inadvisable to taunt someone who looks as if he could punch through your body without any discernible effort.
Jean has somehow gone from barely capable cook to being able to do a wedding cake... and so the much anticipated cake wars begin with Ian and Jean fighting to provide a cake for Sharon's wedding. Hopefully Jean does it and accidentally puts rat poison in the cake.
Ava finally gets around to telling Bianca she has his son and insists she not let him out of her sight... which of course means when she turns around he has used his ninja skills to exit the house silently and is then reunited with the gang leader Kane. DUN DUN DUN!
Arfuuuuuuuuur's good deed is rewarded when the spurned wife gives him the watch he was going to purloin. Well, that all worked itself out nicely.
THE CAKE WARS CONTINUE! Because somehow a professional caterer and qualified chef is concerned about a woman who can only cook sausage surprise and thinks that cupcakes are a basis of experience for wedding cakes... also, Ian seems to have somewhat reverted to his old self. Petty, churlish and mean spirited... so much for being a new person! Which ironically, he was.
Dot doesn't take the news of Pointless Poppy's departure to live with Arfuuuuuuuur too well.
Having earlier been spurned by Misery Guts Carol, Masood returns to help but is none too pleased to find out that Liam was involved in the mugging of Tamwar but seems to relent and just holds Carol, who is a trifle upset.
At the party, Liam's act is rumbled by a girl who knows him from school and she tells him that these kids are bad news and basically, what everyone else has been saying.
Elsewhere on the nightmarish hell estate, Bianca has JUST arrived. Wow, talk about travelling at the speed of plot. Getting to this estate seems to take somewhere between five minutes and five hours - presumably it's extremely weather dependent.
Liam's friend tries to help him escape but Kane doesn't care for that and is now suspicious of Liam's allegiance to the gang. At which point - instead of assuring them he's one of them, Liam runs off and locks himself in the bathroom.
Bianca sobs incoherently until Dexter Fletcher reveals the location of Liam - who amazingly has his phone and just called, apparently just so his mother would know he's in distress as Kane et al knock on the incredibly flimsy bathroom door. Instead of escaping out the window or something - he opens the door to them but fortunately the Walford PD have been called (much to Dexter Fletcher's chagrin).
Dot is lamenting the departure of Arfuuuuuuuuuur, as him leaving will mean her life is over. Also, she finally comes clean about the council trying to take the house.
In come the fuzz just as things are looking bleak - breaking the door down, apparently they had a warrant because they break down the door almost immediately. Hauling everyone off as Bianca does what she does best - screaming and shouting.
Misery Guts Carol tries to tell Bianca she has done her best but she isn't so sure. Rightly so.
Liam's gang initiation continues with a bit of a scrap and in yet another incredible piece of coincidence, she (with Dexter Fletcher) come upon Liam and one of the nameless gang members punching one another on the ground. Shouldn't they BOTH be at work?
Oh and Dexter Fletcher was in the same gang that Liam is in now and has history with the gang leader... Also, apparently Liam didn't grow up on the estate, so he can't cope with the thug life like Dexter Fletcher... because obviously Walford is such a well heeled place.
Arfuuuuuuuuuur laments his ill fortune but realises the real treasure is friendship or something. Yawn.
Ava has now taken Liam under her wing but he has yet to see that the gang doesn't really care about him... and apparently thinks it's a good idea to try starting on Dexter Fletcher... it's perhaps inadvisable to taunt someone who looks as if he could punch through your body without any discernible effort.
Jean has somehow gone from barely capable cook to being able to do a wedding cake... and so the much anticipated cake wars begin with Ian and Jean fighting to provide a cake for Sharon's wedding. Hopefully Jean does it and accidentally puts rat poison in the cake.
Ava finally gets around to telling Bianca she has his son and insists she not let him out of her sight... which of course means when she turns around he has used his ninja skills to exit the house silently and is then reunited with the gang leader Kane. DUN DUN DUN!
Arfuuuuuuuuur's good deed is rewarded when the spurned wife gives him the watch he was going to purloin. Well, that all worked itself out nicely.
THE CAKE WARS CONTINUE! Because somehow a professional caterer and qualified chef is concerned about a woman who can only cook sausage surprise and thinks that cupcakes are a basis of experience for wedding cakes... also, Ian seems to have somewhat reverted to his old self. Petty, churlish and mean spirited... so much for being a new person! Which ironically, he was.
Dot doesn't take the news of Pointless Poppy's departure to live with Arfuuuuuuuur too well.
Having earlier been spurned by Misery Guts Carol, Masood returns to help but is none too pleased to find out that Liam was involved in the mugging of Tamwar but seems to relent and just holds Carol, who is a trifle upset.
At the party, Liam's act is rumbled by a girl who knows him from school and she tells him that these kids are bad news and basically, what everyone else has been saying.
Elsewhere on the nightmarish hell estate, Bianca has JUST arrived. Wow, talk about travelling at the speed of plot. Getting to this estate seems to take somewhere between five minutes and five hours - presumably it's extremely weather dependent.
Liam's friend tries to help him escape but Kane doesn't care for that and is now suspicious of Liam's allegiance to the gang. At which point - instead of assuring them he's one of them, Liam runs off and locks himself in the bathroom.
Bianca sobs incoherently until Dexter Fletcher reveals the location of Liam - who amazingly has his phone and just called, apparently just so his mother would know he's in distress as Kane et al knock on the incredibly flimsy bathroom door. Instead of escaping out the window or something - he opens the door to them but fortunately the Walford PD have been called (much to Dexter Fletcher's chagrin).
Dot is lamenting the departure of Arfuuuuuuuuuur, as him leaving will mean her life is over. Also, she finally comes clean about the council trying to take the house.
In come the fuzz just as things are looking bleak - breaking the door down, apparently they had a warrant because they break down the door almost immediately. Hauling everyone off as Bianca does what she does best - screaming and shouting.
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Tuesday 26th March 2013
Bianca goes to report Liam missing but he's with DA YOUFFFF and about to do a stupid stunt to impress them. Meanwhile, Walford PD seem fairly unconcerned about Liam disappearing - until Bianca mentions DA YOUFFFFFFFF!
The best time of year to attempt dangerous stunts - such as walking along a narrow ledge - is apparently the middle of winter but despite this added level of difficulty, a stunt double dressed in the same clothes is able to complete the task with ease... funny none of the gang noticed them changing places?
Arfuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr's moral dilemma continues... but who cares?
Liam's gang initiation continues by smashing a car window as Bianca sings his praises to the Walford fuzz but using the old "Who said anything about a murder?"style of interrogation, Bianca makes in abundantly obvious that her son is messed up in a gang. A gang that is apparently the Walford equivalent of the Crays and of course, how else should this resolve than Bianca shouting?
More YOUFFFFFFFFF antics as Liam steals some vodka before the gang runs rampant on the hell estate but there's ANOTHER part to his initiation. DUN DUN DUN!
Sharon's heart IS in her relationship to Jack. Oh, thank goodness for that.
Bianca is running around frantically asking people if they've seen Liam and guess who she should run into? Ava! What are the chances of that, eh? She moans about the police asking questions and then Ava tries to help her but when that goes wrong, Bianca falls back on her prime directive. SHOUTING! Because volume directly equates to drama.
Arfuuuuuuuuur's moral dilemma is escalated when the wife appears to collect her poorly husband's suitcases. Even with the blatant attempts at emotional manipulation, it's still hard to see anyone caring.
Ava tells Bianca that Liam clearly is in trouble and that he needs tough love and that gangs are terrible... stuff you'd think a mother living in inner city London would probably know.
Jean's cake saga continues and now Ian wants in on the suddenly lucrative cake market!
It's still going on, Arfuuuuuuur's situation is about to get worse as the wife offers a reward but it turns out the letter Pointless Poppy got the address from was for his solicitor! DUN DUN DUN!
Liam tries to rob the not-in-anyway-KFC but Shirley is well aware her hide isn't going to be pierced by a knife and so easily discovers who it is. He apologises and she gives him some money but tells him that DA YOUFFF aren't his friends! Then the police appear and they all scarper.
Oh and apparently the sickly husband was going to divorce his wife... so, that makes Arfuuuuuuuuuurrr's theft OK. Somehow. Maybe.
Shirley tells Bianca of the attempted crime of the century as Liam is inducted into the gang and finally, Bianca demonstrates some semblance of sense by going to the police to tell them about Tamwar getting mugged.
The best time of year to attempt dangerous stunts - such as walking along a narrow ledge - is apparently the middle of winter but despite this added level of difficulty, a stunt double dressed in the same clothes is able to complete the task with ease... funny none of the gang noticed them changing places?
Arfuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr's moral dilemma continues... but who cares?
Liam's gang initiation continues by smashing a car window as Bianca sings his praises to the Walford fuzz but using the old "Who said anything about a murder?"style of interrogation, Bianca makes in abundantly obvious that her son is messed up in a gang. A gang that is apparently the Walford equivalent of the Crays and of course, how else should this resolve than Bianca shouting?
More YOUFFFFFFFFF antics as Liam steals some vodka before the gang runs rampant on the hell estate but there's ANOTHER part to his initiation. DUN DUN DUN!
Sharon's heart IS in her relationship to Jack. Oh, thank goodness for that.
Bianca is running around frantically asking people if they've seen Liam and guess who she should run into? Ava! What are the chances of that, eh? She moans about the police asking questions and then Ava tries to help her but when that goes wrong, Bianca falls back on her prime directive. SHOUTING! Because volume directly equates to drama.
Arfuuuuuuuuur's moral dilemma is escalated when the wife appears to collect her poorly husband's suitcases. Even with the blatant attempts at emotional manipulation, it's still hard to see anyone caring.
Ava tells Bianca that Liam clearly is in trouble and that he needs tough love and that gangs are terrible... stuff you'd think a mother living in inner city London would probably know.
Jean's cake saga continues and now Ian wants in on the suddenly lucrative cake market!
It's still going on, Arfuuuuuuur's situation is about to get worse as the wife offers a reward but it turns out the letter Pointless Poppy got the address from was for his solicitor! DUN DUN DUN!
Liam tries to rob the not-in-anyway-KFC but Shirley is well aware her hide isn't going to be pierced by a knife and so easily discovers who it is. He apologises and she gives him some money but tells him that DA YOUFFF aren't his friends! Then the police appear and they all scarper.
Oh and apparently the sickly husband was going to divorce his wife... so, that makes Arfuuuuuuuuuurrr's theft OK. Somehow. Maybe.
Shirley tells Bianca of the attempted crime of the century as Liam is inducted into the gang and finally, Bianca demonstrates some semblance of sense by going to the police to tell them about Tamwar getting mugged.
Monday, 25 March 2013
Monday 25th March 2013
Liam is still on the horrifying slum estate but concern about his welfare seems pretty low. Or at least, that's how you have to take it when Bianca actively argues against getting the police involved... she also has a fear of... ZE SOCIAL! You'd think his continued truancy would be more of an issue in that regard, wouldn't you? Apparently not... oh and Bianca is going to sort it.
Square mad woman Jean has ordered forty bags of flour... is flour very expensive? Also, flour lasts quite a while but apparently this is the non-Phil related storyline that Shirley has been waiting for... If you think about it, it's pretty obvious why she and Phil had a relationship... both of them are creatures of whimsy, predictably changing their mind more often than most people blink.
Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy are looking for a place to live but apparently times are tough - which means when Saint Alfie of Walford appears, Pointless Poppy asks for a raise (on Arfuuuuuur's behalf - rather to his chagrin). Turns out the Vic is strapped for cash too and somehow this is a reason for Alfie to go... to Yorkshire?
Bianca resorts to her default crisis resolution mode - SHOUTING because shouting equals drama! Also acting. Also, it's suddenly remembered again Misery Guts Carol has a reason to be miserable - her son died... but Bianca stops just short of throwing that in her face... eh, looks as if she has probation officer perv out of it, not all bad.
Meanwhile Liam's gang greets the morning with alcohol... Because they're DA YOUFFFFFF.
Lost property is auctioned off, apparently for mere pennies... sight unseen. Yup, they auction off unclaimed luggage without opening it.
Bianca returns to THE WASTELAND and remarks that trying to find Liam would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack... Funny you should mention that, given that last time you went looking for Liam YOU FOUND HIM IMMEDIATELY. At least they went during the day.
Abi is worried about Jay which manifests itself by him trying to start an engine in the garage repeatedly... One car requires three people to work on it... and what is the point of King Phil being there if he has three employees?
A moral quandary is created when Arfuuuuuuuuuuur discovers a watch of considerable value but then Pointless Poppy discovers an address. Oh, goodness. It's almost as if they should open the luggage up to try and ascertain who owns it before selling it to any Tom, Dick or Harry!
On the slum estate from hell, Bianca is handing out flyers for her son and then it turns out Ava lives there! OK. She was working in a very well heeled primary school in the leafy suburbs and they made it clear that it was quite a ways away from Walford... oh, right - logic. Let's just leave that out of this.
The binge drinking continues with Liam and chums but is promptly interrupted by someone Bianca handed a flyer to mere moments ago - what are the chances, eh? Oh and that chap is the gang leader's father and in something that will surely shock everyone - he's an abusive father, thus explaining the behaviour of his son in one unspeakably trite and lazy cliché that will abrogate any further need for nuance or characterisation.
Jean's excessive flour purchase has turned into AFTERNOON TEA... even Saint Alfie can't really say anything positive about that.
King Phil gives Jay the day off - what a big softie he is.
Ava gives Bianca a heart-to-heart about her son's run in with gang violence. Yawn.
More moral quandries for Arfuuuuuuuuuuur as Pointless Poppy is quite insistent upon returning the suitcase to the rightful owner, having established that the reason it wasn't collected is that he was hospitalised for a month but he seems less than certain.
Turns out Jean's cupcakes are improbably successful. So successful that they allow Phil and Shirley to be within shouting distance and NOT have Shirley start a tirade. Those must be quite some cupcakes.
It turns out DA YOUFFFFFFFF all slum it in a single flat, for which they have to pay the bully boy stereotypical drunken dad rent... and as bully boy dad has shown the gang leader the poster, Liam needs to "take care of" his whinging mother. DUN DUN DUN!
Square mad woman Jean has ordered forty bags of flour... is flour very expensive? Also, flour lasts quite a while but apparently this is the non-Phil related storyline that Shirley has been waiting for... If you think about it, it's pretty obvious why she and Phil had a relationship... both of them are creatures of whimsy, predictably changing their mind more often than most people blink.
Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy are looking for a place to live but apparently times are tough - which means when Saint Alfie of Walford appears, Pointless Poppy asks for a raise (on Arfuuuuuur's behalf - rather to his chagrin). Turns out the Vic is strapped for cash too and somehow this is a reason for Alfie to go... to Yorkshire?
Bianca resorts to her default crisis resolution mode - SHOUTING because shouting equals drama! Also acting. Also, it's suddenly remembered again Misery Guts Carol has a reason to be miserable - her son died... but Bianca stops just short of throwing that in her face... eh, looks as if she has probation officer perv out of it, not all bad.
Meanwhile Liam's gang greets the morning with alcohol... Because they're DA YOUFFFFFF.
Lost property is auctioned off, apparently for mere pennies... sight unseen. Yup, they auction off unclaimed luggage without opening it.
Bianca returns to THE WASTELAND and remarks that trying to find Liam would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack... Funny you should mention that, given that last time you went looking for Liam YOU FOUND HIM IMMEDIATELY. At least they went during the day.
Abi is worried about Jay which manifests itself by him trying to start an engine in the garage repeatedly... One car requires three people to work on it... and what is the point of King Phil being there if he has three employees?
A moral quandary is created when Arfuuuuuuuuuuur discovers a watch of considerable value but then Pointless Poppy discovers an address. Oh, goodness. It's almost as if they should open the luggage up to try and ascertain who owns it before selling it to any Tom, Dick or Harry!
On the slum estate from hell, Bianca is handing out flyers for her son and then it turns out Ava lives there! OK. She was working in a very well heeled primary school in the leafy suburbs and they made it clear that it was quite a ways away from Walford... oh, right - logic. Let's just leave that out of this.
The binge drinking continues with Liam and chums but is promptly interrupted by someone Bianca handed a flyer to mere moments ago - what are the chances, eh? Oh and that chap is the gang leader's father and in something that will surely shock everyone - he's an abusive father, thus explaining the behaviour of his son in one unspeakably trite and lazy cliché that will abrogate any further need for nuance or characterisation.
Jean's excessive flour purchase has turned into AFTERNOON TEA... even Saint Alfie can't really say anything positive about that.
King Phil gives Jay the day off - what a big softie he is.
Ava gives Bianca a heart-to-heart about her son's run in with gang violence. Yawn.
More moral quandries for Arfuuuuuuuuuuur as Pointless Poppy is quite insistent upon returning the suitcase to the rightful owner, having established that the reason it wasn't collected is that he was hospitalised for a month but he seems less than certain.
Turns out Jean's cupcakes are improbably successful. So successful that they allow Phil and Shirley to be within shouting distance and NOT have Shirley start a tirade. Those must be quite some cupcakes.
It turns out DA YOUFFFFFFFF all slum it in a single flat, for which they have to pay the bully boy stereotypical drunken dad rent... and as bully boy dad has shown the gang leader the poster, Liam needs to "take care of" his whinging mother. DUN DUN DUN!
Friday, 22 March 2013
Friday 22nd March 2013
So egregious is Tanya's debauchery that even the continuity announcer feels it necessary to slut shame her... ouch. Then the fire alarm goes off because Lauren somehow set off the smoke alarm. Oh and Cora appears to have risen from the grave... having apparently been buried alive, at least judging by the look of her.
Bianca decides - what with Liam having running off many times before - it's best to just await his return. Just as well there was nothing in the offing about legal proceedings against you for his truancy, eh? OH WAIT! Just as well these things blow over if you ignore them, eh?
The laundrette has been broken into... and if we're not careful, we might actually remember Dot is a fugitive from the law. Nope. Beyond Dot rolling her eyes a bit when she says she's fine.
King Phil wanders downstairs - with Tanya looking as if she had her face vandalised with clown make-up - to be met with mutual silence from the assembled Branning women... and who should come calling but everyone's least favourite meatbag - Sharon... who somehow STILL manages to look worse than Tanya in her clown face. King Phil waltzes off with his baby (that Sharon delivered) and then everyone says "PHIL MITCHELL?!" in what one can only assume was intended to be funny.
Billy Idiot gets some contractually obligated screentime by promising to fix Ava's car... Let's just hope he sets himself on fire or something.
It would appear that the break-in at the laundrette was down to Shirley... who has apparently run off. Well, there's a small consolation... maybe an appetiser for the conflagration of Billy Idiot?! Best not to get your hopes up.
Turns out Tanya can't even remembered if she and Phil had sex... oh and she has fixed her make-up. Even Cora looks a little better but then, it's more shocking that she's talking sense about King Phil being bad news. So Tanya has to confirm with the King that they didn't sleep together - which he does. Who cares?
Jacknocchio is informed of the Liam situation and things JUST GOT REAL! Really boring. Seriously, it was dull when we had to see it last time and that had Jack getting shot and talking like a stroke victim with a burnt tongue... so far we've had... uh, Liam buying new trainer and Tamwar and Bianca "hurled" to the ground. You'd see more unruly behaviour at a Tuesday night bingo club in Cornwall.
Jean - who has apparently rolled her insanity dice as quirky detective ala Monk today - is trying to find out what has happened to Shirley... and it seems almost no one cares.
Tanya confronts Sharon about her and King Phil kissing... and makes the mistake of trying to reason with her. Naturally, Sharon being worse than Adolf Hitler - she takes the concern of her best (and only) friend and throws it back in her face. She's just got a way with words... actually, it's hard to tell with those pauldron -esque shoulderpads and the asthma attacks.
Tamwar goes to see Dot - because Masood thinks... this will cheer her up AND make him feel more important. He's underestimated Tamwar's own deep self-loathing, clearly. Also, mention of the council upsets Dot.
Going to see Tiff's concert is apparently almost equal to finding the wayward Liam... heart breaking... or it would be if anyone gave a damn. Sorry, Crayon Crew but no one cares about Tiff's concert and you've given us no reason TO care.
Oh and Jean finds Shirley... alive and well. How disappointing.
Lauren and Abi aren't interested in hearing their mother talk about her and Phil...
Bianca is moaning about what a terrible mother she is... you really are, Bianca. You really, truly are.
Billy Idiot - thanks to the intervention of Dexter Fletcher - has fixed Ava's car but clearly is about as keen on the feckless idiot courting his mother as most people would be on a serious bout of ebola.
Liam is still missing. It's just so hard to care... ditto Shirley. Ditto Dot. Ditto Sharon's engagement do. Pretty much everything in this episode. Anyway, something gets dropped through the letter box and this prompts Bianca to stop carping and run out the door screeching "LIAM!" That's a good way to make sure he remembers why he's staying away.
And then to show Jack really WAS seriously brain damaged by that bullet to the head, he describes Sharon (and her now invisible, inaudible and intangible Kinder freak) as "the best thing that ever 'appened" to him. If nothing else, you have to envy his optimism... and then Tanya says she's gonna tell him all about the kiss if she thinks she isn't serious about the wooden headed idiot. DUN DUN DUN!
Bianca decides - what with Liam having running off many times before - it's best to just await his return. Just as well there was nothing in the offing about legal proceedings against you for his truancy, eh? OH WAIT! Just as well these things blow over if you ignore them, eh?
The laundrette has been broken into... and if we're not careful, we might actually remember Dot is a fugitive from the law. Nope. Beyond Dot rolling her eyes a bit when she says she's fine.
King Phil wanders downstairs - with Tanya looking as if she had her face vandalised with clown make-up - to be met with mutual silence from the assembled Branning women... and who should come calling but everyone's least favourite meatbag - Sharon... who somehow STILL manages to look worse than Tanya in her clown face. King Phil waltzes off with his baby (that Sharon delivered) and then everyone says "PHIL MITCHELL?!" in what one can only assume was intended to be funny.
Billy Idiot gets some contractually obligated screentime by promising to fix Ava's car... Let's just hope he sets himself on fire or something.
It would appear that the break-in at the laundrette was down to Shirley... who has apparently run off. Well, there's a small consolation... maybe an appetiser for the conflagration of Billy Idiot?! Best not to get your hopes up.
Turns out Tanya can't even remembered if she and Phil had sex... oh and she has fixed her make-up. Even Cora looks a little better but then, it's more shocking that she's talking sense about King Phil being bad news. So Tanya has to confirm with the King that they didn't sleep together - which he does. Who cares?
Jacknocchio is informed of the Liam situation and things JUST GOT REAL! Really boring. Seriously, it was dull when we had to see it last time and that had Jack getting shot and talking like a stroke victim with a burnt tongue... so far we've had... uh, Liam buying new trainer and Tamwar and Bianca "hurled" to the ground. You'd see more unruly behaviour at a Tuesday night bingo club in Cornwall.
Jean - who has apparently rolled her insanity dice as quirky detective ala Monk today - is trying to find out what has happened to Shirley... and it seems almost no one cares.
Tanya confronts Sharon about her and King Phil kissing... and makes the mistake of trying to reason with her. Naturally, Sharon being worse than Adolf Hitler - she takes the concern of her best (and only) friend and throws it back in her face. She's just got a way with words... actually, it's hard to tell with those pauldron -esque shoulderpads and the asthma attacks.
Tamwar goes to see Dot - because Masood thinks... this will cheer her up AND make him feel more important. He's underestimated Tamwar's own deep self-loathing, clearly. Also, mention of the council upsets Dot.
Going to see Tiff's concert is apparently almost equal to finding the wayward Liam... heart breaking... or it would be if anyone gave a damn. Sorry, Crayon Crew but no one cares about Tiff's concert and you've given us no reason TO care.
Oh and Jean finds Shirley... alive and well. How disappointing.
Lauren and Abi aren't interested in hearing their mother talk about her and Phil...
Bianca is moaning about what a terrible mother she is... you really are, Bianca. You really, truly are.
Billy Idiot - thanks to the intervention of Dexter Fletcher - has fixed Ava's car but clearly is about as keen on the feckless idiot courting his mother as most people would be on a serious bout of ebola.
Liam is still missing. It's just so hard to care... ditto Shirley. Ditto Dot. Ditto Sharon's engagement do. Pretty much everything in this episode. Anyway, something gets dropped through the letter box and this prompts Bianca to stop carping and run out the door screeching "LIAM!" That's a good way to make sure he remembers why he's staying away.
And then to show Jack really WAS seriously brain damaged by that bullet to the head, he describes Sharon (and her now invisible, inaudible and intangible Kinder freak) as "the best thing that ever 'appened" to him. If nothing else, you have to envy his optimism... and then Tanya says she's gonna tell him all about the kiss if she thinks she isn't serious about the wooden headed idiot. DUN DUN DUN!
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Thursday 21st March 2013
Sharon stops by to interrogate Tanya about the date with King Phil.
Liam is still struggling with the balsa wood door of his room. He hasn't tried his window and didn't just rush Bianca yesterday... clearly he takes after his father in the brains department. Oh and Twitney has reappeared and doesn't know what is going on.
It's a day of random reappearances and Shirley has reappeared - to remind us that 'Ev got murdered. What better way to set this scene up than having comic relief character AJ and his hijinks!
Speaking of murder, King Phil wants Lexi to go to prison and meet Gok Ben... that baby has a tough enough time of it as it is without finding out about his father. Neither Billy Idiot or Lola are keen on this idea but King Phil points out that they've both been on the receiving end of child thieving, so they should put that in their pipes and smoke it.
Twitney points out that as she has remembered about her brief flirtation with gangs and also being a sex worker - it would perhaps be a good idea for her to talk to Liam (presumably before she forgets it all again). Bianca grudgingly accepts this but immediately flies into a rage when she sees his new trainers and phone... and finally concedes she might need help... But as is all too common in Walford Jacknocchio has temporarily disappeared from the prime material plane to be sequestered into some pocket dimension... probably. Oh and Bianca tells Twitney she is selfish for not wanting to be Liam's warden.
Masood and AJ decide to get Tamwar into a karate class because we need more wacky hijinks as they try and impress the attractive female instructor. Hilarity fails to ensue.
Gok Ben refuses to see Phil for about the bajilliontyith time - only seeing Lola and Lexi, where he tells her that Phil is poison. As Shriley's raison d'etre is purely to harangue Phil, she appears to stick the knife in but Phil doesn't seem too bothered. Oh and apparently Gok Ben made her choose between him and his father... mentally unstable murderer versus manipulative crime boss who has vowed to make sure you never get your child back... talk about a rock and a hard place.
Kirstie gives Billy Idiot some dating advice because the Crayon Crew are so bereft of ideas they're just throwing romances at the wall in the vague hope some of them won't be as ridiculously stupid as Sharon and Jacknocchio... mission easily possibly. Oh and it's Bianca he has suddenly fallen for... Ava who is discussing Bianca's familial woes (over a drink, naturally). Weren't you supposed to be working on the stall, Bianca?
Shirley is hanging around like a bad smell, it seems... sounding rather like a broken record, going on and on about 'Ev... that'll be the best friend you pretty much only really appreciated after she was murdered, eh? What better way to remember the death of your favourite servant/friend than to confront Tanya about the fact her daughter is dating someone who was present at the murder, eh? Patrick is on hand to offer some surprisingly sensible advice - that only one person killed 'Ev and he's in jail, so maybe stop being such a colossal bitch to everyone that comes within gurning distance.
Bianca admits to Ava (now with Dexter Fletcher in tow) that she has locked Liam up. Apparently though, external help isn't needed - and quite why she thinks the inarticulate Jacknocchio who is barely more cogent than his grunting brother would be able to get through to him is a mystery - all he needs is his mother's love!
Meanwhile, it looks as if Twitney is about to earn her name as Liam tries to manipulate her into opening the door. It would be genuinely surprising if she didn't let him escape at this point. No such surprise is forthcoming though as mere moments later, Bianca starts screeching at him as he leaves the house and he does what any sane person would do when hearing that high pitched shriek and starts running.
Max finds out about Phil dating his wife and being a man well known for self-constraint, runs round to open his mouth and allow the slurry of his incomprehensible words spread like verbal effluent through the room. King Phil turns up though and Max is quickly on his way!
Remember how there was the implication that Patrick was going to require a lengthy recovery? Yeah, forget that - he's out and about again with not a care in the world. Sadly, he makes the mistake of talking to Shirley and she's still trying to wring the last drops of emotion out of the whole 'Ev murder storyline. Jeez, give it up! You're the only person who even REMEMBERS her any more! You can't just have everyone forget about a character, then have another character whose own time on the show in the past eight months is more easily measured in seconds than minutes and expect anyone to care.
Oh, the comedy hijinks with karate class culminate in Tamwar being emo as Masood and AJ make comedy noises due to the strains they got from not warming up.
The date between Phil and Tanya continues, they even ponder aloud as to why it has taken them seven years to talk... no real answer is given, beyond of course the fact everyone in Walford tends to live in total isolation. Also, Tanya gets drunk and Phil rejects her advances - for about five seconds because Tanya wants to prove that she's as big a slag as any woman in Walford!
Liam is still struggling with the balsa wood door of his room. He hasn't tried his window and didn't just rush Bianca yesterday... clearly he takes after his father in the brains department. Oh and Twitney has reappeared and doesn't know what is going on.
It's a day of random reappearances and Shirley has reappeared - to remind us that 'Ev got murdered. What better way to set this scene up than having comic relief character AJ and his hijinks!
Speaking of murder, King Phil wants Lexi to go to prison and meet Gok Ben... that baby has a tough enough time of it as it is without finding out about his father. Neither Billy Idiot or Lola are keen on this idea but King Phil points out that they've both been on the receiving end of child thieving, so they should put that in their pipes and smoke it.
Twitney points out that as she has remembered about her brief flirtation with gangs and also being a sex worker - it would perhaps be a good idea for her to talk to Liam (presumably before she forgets it all again). Bianca grudgingly accepts this but immediately flies into a rage when she sees his new trainers and phone... and finally concedes she might need help... But as is all too common in Walford Jacknocchio has temporarily disappeared from the prime material plane to be sequestered into some pocket dimension... probably. Oh and Bianca tells Twitney she is selfish for not wanting to be Liam's warden.
Masood and AJ decide to get Tamwar into a karate class because we need more wacky hijinks as they try and impress the attractive female instructor. Hilarity fails to ensue.
Gok Ben refuses to see Phil for about the bajilliontyith time - only seeing Lola and Lexi, where he tells her that Phil is poison. As Shriley's raison d'etre is purely to harangue Phil, she appears to stick the knife in but Phil doesn't seem too bothered. Oh and apparently Gok Ben made her choose between him and his father... mentally unstable murderer versus manipulative crime boss who has vowed to make sure you never get your child back... talk about a rock and a hard place.
Kirstie gives Billy Idiot some dating advice because the Crayon Crew are so bereft of ideas they're just throwing romances at the wall in the vague hope some of them won't be as ridiculously stupid as Sharon and Jacknocchio... mission easily possibly. Oh and it's Bianca he has suddenly fallen for... Ava who is discussing Bianca's familial woes (over a drink, naturally). Weren't you supposed to be working on the stall, Bianca?
Shirley is hanging around like a bad smell, it seems... sounding rather like a broken record, going on and on about 'Ev... that'll be the best friend you pretty much only really appreciated after she was murdered, eh? What better way to remember the death of your favourite servant/friend than to confront Tanya about the fact her daughter is dating someone who was present at the murder, eh? Patrick is on hand to offer some surprisingly sensible advice - that only one person killed 'Ev and he's in jail, so maybe stop being such a colossal bitch to everyone that comes within gurning distance.
Bianca admits to Ava (now with Dexter Fletcher in tow) that she has locked Liam up. Apparently though, external help isn't needed - and quite why she thinks the inarticulate Jacknocchio who is barely more cogent than his grunting brother would be able to get through to him is a mystery - all he needs is his mother's love!
Meanwhile, it looks as if Twitney is about to earn her name as Liam tries to manipulate her into opening the door. It would be genuinely surprising if she didn't let him escape at this point. No such surprise is forthcoming though as mere moments later, Bianca starts screeching at him as he leaves the house and he does what any sane person would do when hearing that high pitched shriek and starts running.
Max finds out about Phil dating his wife and being a man well known for self-constraint, runs round to open his mouth and allow the slurry of his incomprehensible words spread like verbal effluent through the room. King Phil turns up though and Max is quickly on his way!
Remember how there was the implication that Patrick was going to require a lengthy recovery? Yeah, forget that - he's out and about again with not a care in the world. Sadly, he makes the mistake of talking to Shirley and she's still trying to wring the last drops of emotion out of the whole 'Ev murder storyline. Jeez, give it up! You're the only person who even REMEMBERS her any more! You can't just have everyone forget about a character, then have another character whose own time on the show in the past eight months is more easily measured in seconds than minutes and expect anyone to care.
Oh, the comedy hijinks with karate class culminate in Tamwar being emo as Masood and AJ make comedy noises due to the strains they got from not warming up.
The date between Phil and Tanya continues, they even ponder aloud as to why it has taken them seven years to talk... no real answer is given, beyond of course the fact everyone in Walford tends to live in total isolation. Also, Tanya gets drunk and Phil rejects her advances - for about five seconds because Tanya wants to prove that she's as big a slag as any woman in Walford!
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
Tuesday 19th March 2013
Tanya has remembered her son - who is now wearing glasses - and then demonstrating his attachment to his mother, he locks her out the house... why she hasn't got her keys with her... well, she's an idiot like all the other people in Walford. Fortunately for her, King Phil is doing his hundredth lap of the Square with Lexi and offers to watch the door... why it would need watching is not explained but love seems to be in the air between King Phil and Tanya... and it's sad when that is actually a more plausible romance than Ian and Denise or Sharon and ANYONE.
Operation "Lock-up Liam" enters its second day, with Bianca having slept next to Liam's door all night but it's only in the morning that Liam is shouting. Also, Misery Guts Carol doesn't seem too bothered about Bianca imprisoning her son.
Tanya gets keys from Max (and sees Kirstie fawning over him) and her ex-husband even points out the obvious - she's barely said a word to King Phil in all the time they've spent on the Square!
Ian's romance with Denise has made him want to follow his life long dream of opening a restaurant... Even though this is something he has never expressed an interest in before, despite having run several different catering businesses... clearly it's a brand new life long dream. Lucy seems to think that despite his total recovery (albeit with a radically different personality - but that's par for the course these days, even without a mental breakdown) he won't be able to do this.
Misery Guts Carol finally takes issue at operation "Lock-up Liam" and even mentions the fact Bianca should probably be, y'know AT WORK rather than playing jailer...
Tanya is holding onto Max's keys because it's "useful to have a spare"... oh, good grief. How stupid are you, woman? Are you trying to get in on Kat and Sharon's race to get women back to having all the rights of a piece of furniture? How petulant and just bottomlessly stupid is that sentence? First of all, have we forgotten that this is actually MAX'S HOUSE?! Secondly, why doesn't SHE have a spare of her own? This prompts her to lie about having a man - DUN DUN DUN!
Kat is not happy about the (thankfully) invisible Joey and Half-Day Alice making a mess and demands that (the mercifully invisible and inaudible) Moe kick them out, CUZ SHE'S FAMMMMMMLLLLEEEEE! She's forgotten that Moe is a friend to no one though. She and Bianca then congratulate one another on being mothers of the year.
Operation "Lock-up Liam" is not going very well because Liam has himself a tantrum.
The spontaneous romance between Phil and Tanya continues... could it be that Phil will inadvertently become the man that Tanya lied about having?!
Being a grown man, Ian lies to his daughter about going to see the financial advisor and lets her tell him what to do.
Kat's struggle to beat Sharon in setting women's rights back to the Stone Age as she tries the patience of even Saint Alfie by asking for him to fund a move out of her perfectly adequate (if occasionally messy) accommodation and in what will surely be seen as one of Saint Alfie's many miracles - he actually points out that Kat's front is not particularly attractive when you're on the outside looking in. Water into wine has nothing on that!
Despite Lucy's reservations, Ian meets the financial consultant in (where else?) the caffffffffffff but oops - he lets slip about his mental illness... which is a bad thing because mental illness in Eastenders is treated with about as much compassion and rationality as lepers were treated in the Bronze Age... and so, he's rejected because it's totally legal to discriminate against people like that!
Bianca and Liam have a conversation which boils down to his gang getting him and the only person that is bullying him is her. DUN DUN DUN! For a brief moment, it looks as if there will be a tearful reunion but this is Eastenders - so Liam throws it all back in her face and tells her she's the reason he's a wrongun, which prompts her to slap him and lock him back in his room. So... as he knocked over his meal, he probably hasn't had anything to drink for at LEAST twenty four hours... Nor has he had access to a toilet. This is making Phil's cold turkey in the sitting room of the Vic seem plausible.
Speaking of King Phil, despite not cooking the meal - dohoho - things between the slightly pretentious Tanya and the sociopathic criminal overlord and alcoholic crack head went rather well and it would appear that Sharon's hair - out a wandering - sees them having an awkward moment which looks like a kiss and she looks shocked... although, Sharon's facial expressions are impossible to read because of the thick make-up she wears... DOOF DOOF DOOF!
Operation "Lock-up Liam" enters its second day, with Bianca having slept next to Liam's door all night but it's only in the morning that Liam is shouting. Also, Misery Guts Carol doesn't seem too bothered about Bianca imprisoning her son.
Tanya gets keys from Max (and sees Kirstie fawning over him) and her ex-husband even points out the obvious - she's barely said a word to King Phil in all the time they've spent on the Square!
Ian's romance with Denise has made him want to follow his life long dream of opening a restaurant... Even though this is something he has never expressed an interest in before, despite having run several different catering businesses... clearly it's a brand new life long dream. Lucy seems to think that despite his total recovery (albeit with a radically different personality - but that's par for the course these days, even without a mental breakdown) he won't be able to do this.
Misery Guts Carol finally takes issue at operation "Lock-up Liam" and even mentions the fact Bianca should probably be, y'know AT WORK rather than playing jailer...
Tanya is holding onto Max's keys because it's "useful to have a spare"... oh, good grief. How stupid are you, woman? Are you trying to get in on Kat and Sharon's race to get women back to having all the rights of a piece of furniture? How petulant and just bottomlessly stupid is that sentence? First of all, have we forgotten that this is actually MAX'S HOUSE?! Secondly, why doesn't SHE have a spare of her own? This prompts her to lie about having a man - DUN DUN DUN!
Kat is not happy about the (thankfully) invisible Joey and Half-Day Alice making a mess and demands that (the mercifully invisible and inaudible) Moe kick them out, CUZ SHE'S FAMMMMMMLLLLEEEEE! She's forgotten that Moe is a friend to no one though. She and Bianca then congratulate one another on being mothers of the year.
Operation "Lock-up Liam" is not going very well because Liam has himself a tantrum.
The spontaneous romance between Phil and Tanya continues... could it be that Phil will inadvertently become the man that Tanya lied about having?!
Being a grown man, Ian lies to his daughter about going to see the financial advisor and lets her tell him what to do.
Kat's struggle to beat Sharon in setting women's rights back to the Stone Age as she tries the patience of even Saint Alfie by asking for him to fund a move out of her perfectly adequate (if occasionally messy) accommodation and in what will surely be seen as one of Saint Alfie's many miracles - he actually points out that Kat's front is not particularly attractive when you're on the outside looking in. Water into wine has nothing on that!
Despite Lucy's reservations, Ian meets the financial consultant in (where else?) the caffffffffffff but oops - he lets slip about his mental illness... which is a bad thing because mental illness in Eastenders is treated with about as much compassion and rationality as lepers were treated in the Bronze Age... and so, he's rejected because it's totally legal to discriminate against people like that!
Bianca and Liam have a conversation which boils down to his gang getting him and the only person that is bullying him is her. DUN DUN DUN! For a brief moment, it looks as if there will be a tearful reunion but this is Eastenders - so Liam throws it all back in her face and tells her she's the reason he's a wrongun, which prompts her to slap him and lock him back in his room. So... as he knocked over his meal, he probably hasn't had anything to drink for at LEAST twenty four hours... Nor has he had access to a toilet. This is making Phil's cold turkey in the sitting room of the Vic seem plausible.
Speaking of King Phil, despite not cooking the meal - dohoho - things between the slightly pretentious Tanya and the sociopathic criminal overlord and alcoholic crack head went rather well and it would appear that Sharon's hair - out a wandering - sees them having an awkward moment which looks like a kiss and she looks shocked... although, Sharon's facial expressions are impossible to read because of the thick make-up she wears... DOOF DOOF DOOF!
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