Monday 31st December 2012

Another year of misery draws to a close with the mother hen cluckings of Phil preparing a bottle for his (alleged) grand daughter. Lola drops by to see her daughter and is greeted by the news that Jay and Cora can be godparents but this happy news is cut short when we discover that baby Lexi has... A RASH! DUN DUN DUN!

Cluck, cluck, cluck goes Phil! It's all Lola's fault and as she "messed up" he's going to do it BY THE BOOK! To further increase the chances of Lola being pecked to death by Walford's broodiest Mitchell, apparently the cause of the rash was down to the coconut balm Lola put on at salon. Wasn't that yesterday? And didn't Phil JUST put her to sleep? So this rash waited a whole day and then just materialises in the two minutes she's alone... that's one precision allergic reaction or possibly the Crayon Crew are taking a shot at the Copenhagen Interpretation of quantum physics...

And apparently Peggy isn't coming to the christening. Surely not! Next you'll be saying Grant isn't going to be there either! Peggy's non-appearance is explained by her disdain for Sharon... Phil makes sure to express his contempt for Billy Idiot and Poxy... something people should really do more often.

All it took was a word from Sharon for Phil to go and apologise to Lola though and everything is all sorted... the most notable thing about the scene though is that Billy, Cora and Jay are all sitting there waiting... It felt as if the scene was missing Phil entering the room and saying "You're probably wondering why I've gathered you all here." Then it's off to the Vic for a drink!

AJ and Zainab are now pretending to get along to get Masood off their backs - Zainab requires him to get Geordie Racer and Tamwar to hook-up and also to make their New Year's Eve party the "party of the century"... despite the fact it's presumably going to be dry and the quintessential Western tradition of New Years Eve is drunken revelry... Could hilarity ensue? No. No it could not. You'd do better to buy lottery tickets.

How is AJ going to make this party better? In the least responsible way possible, of course! By spiking the punch! While it's established that AJ is clearly not a practising Muslim AND is rather mischievous - given that  he's in a household that ARE practising Muslims who are avowedly teatotal (not to mention the fact he's trying to win Zainab over so he can stay there) isn't there something profoundly wrong with this situation? 

Now, of course the desired reaction from the audience is going to be "HAHAHA! Look at all these people who have unwittingly become intoxicated!" but any real examination of the issue should make people feel deeply uncomfortable. Regardless of what one thinks of the Islamic prohibition of alcohol, one does not need to respect the belief to respect the person's right to adhere to it. This might seem trivial but that is likely because we have a society in which drinking is considered to be the norm if AJ were to spike the punch with MDMA or LSD, would it be viewed as quite so hilarious?

That moral quandary aside - thought you should think about it - Denise and Kim turn up in fancy dress. Oh, how we laughed... and of course, Kim and Patrick have snuck booze in... Really, it makes you wonder why the Masoods don't just let people drink openly at their party... it's not as if they have to partake. Oh and to build up the budding romance between Denise and Ian - she's dressed as Princess Leia and Squealy Bealy as Mr. Spock.

Shirley turns up to the party drunk and loading food up into a hankerchief like some kind of cartoon hobo... Oh no, SHE'S BECOMING A TRAMPOID! SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD! SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! Ahem... Geordie Racer comments that she's "never been to a party like this before" as Shirley makes off with her haul of food.

Zainab is upset by this and starts going round the room like some painfully unfunny sitcom character insisting people have MORE FUN! And people say that Eastenders is too gritty and depressing... Oh, wait - they're probably talking about the soul crushing depression and existential despair that it causes and they're right - this is like looking into the abyss and it looking back into you.

The Trumans, AJ and Ian are all drinking the punch in the back - more hints of the chemistry between Ian and Denise... Although, they missed a great opportunity to have people chanting "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" to make this feel like the rejected script to an American teen comedy that it so clearly trying to be.

Goodness, what's that? Geordie Racer has gotten drunk?! Who could have foreseen this unlikely turn of events?! Tamwar stands around looking no more or less gormless than usual as Geordie Racer flirts with him. Zainab then pulls AJ outside to show him Geordie Racer and Tamwar sitting next to each other on the wall, thinking that they're now all romantic... missing Geordie Racer having the obligatory drunken vomit. Which causes Tamwar to look considerably more gormless than usual. A seven... maybe a seven and a half. Just remember that like the Richter scale, the Tamwar gormless scale is exponential.

To make sure the audience also has difficulty in keeping their dinner in the digestive tracts, the prospect of Pointless Poppy and Arfuuuuuuur doing the "hokey kokey" is raised. It's almost as if the Crayon Crew are trying to deep seated psychological issues in the British public.

Masood does the announcement thing that causes the music to magically go quiet and everyone to hush... to reveal  that their wedding is now booked. FOR VALENTINE'S DAY! And as they bring in the New Year for no reason at all, Patrick announces it was the best party ever. Maybe someone did spike the punch with MDMA.

To ensure Bianca's cup of misery runneth over the police arrive and she has to explain that Derek had a load of dodgy stuff in the garage that magically materialised next to their house that apparently nobody EVER LOOKS IN. Misery Guts Carol is on hand to look glum but Bianca assures her that Liam didn't move the stuff as he swore to her. Cut to Liam in an alleyway, getting wads of notes from someone stuffing a bag into his jacket. DOHOHO!

Then it's straight to Bianca and Misery Guts giving Liam the third degree. Misery Guts Carol actually talks about her brother being in prison for most of his life... perhaps you should remind Jacknocchio and Scotch Egg about the fact the Hogfather was such a ne'er do well, they seem to have completely forgotten they were both about ready to kill him themselves before fate intervened.

So, after Misery Guts Carol's emotional accounting (actually, shopping lists have been read with more emotion) of the heartbreak Derek caused, what does Liam do? Swears on his mother's life he doesn't know where the stuff is. DOHOHO!

Bianca and Misery Guts Carol are talking about Liam as he listens in on the stairs and they say he's a good boy - which is apparently sufficient inducement for him to leave his life of crime and reveal to us that Count Moonula was apparently in on this! Not just that but he has opened the box full of forged banknotes! As if that's not enough excitement for you, Half-Day Alice comes to join the fun.

Sharon and Jacknocchio reconcile - thank goodness for that! We wouldn't want the romance of the century being derailed! Apparently she has got someone on to cover for her because it's not as if being the manager of a club entails any work, especially at this time of year. Sharon also seems to have taken an immediate dislike to Secret Wife... and then flirts with Jacknocchio in a way that would cause most men to eject the contents of their stomachs.

Sharon gives Phil a peck on the cheek for his apparent reconciliation with Lola, leading to a dirty look from Jacknocchio, followed by what could be a devious smirk on Phil's face! What could that mean? No need to worry about subtext because Phil's New Year's resolution is to make sure Sharon is his by the end of next year! See, a lot of people undertaking a plan to steal away someone's partner would want to keep it to themselves but Phil knows better! The mind of a criminal genius at work!

Kat turns up looking like a basted turkey to go and see Tommy. This allows her to be JUST in time for her to overhear Alfie inviting Poxy to move in with him... and Poxy - despite having said just yesterday (or whenever it was) that they should take it slow, she immediately agrees and they kiss, leaving Kat to slink out the Vic as if she just soiled herself.

Thursday 27th December 2012

Everything is all DARK AND MYSTERIOUS as a cloaked figure that escaped from a Star Wars prequel stalks the Square, he then lets himself into the Masood house and slips upstairs and sits down on the bed that is occupied by Geordie Masood who immediately starts screaming, causing Masood Masood to burst in and wrestle the Sith lord to the ground. Oh, wait - it's just AJ! HOHOHO!

Zainab then demands AJ apologises to Geordie Racer - oh and apparently AJ left but now he's back. So begins the comic hijinks of AJ regaining a place in the house... make sure you've strapped yourself into a corset, lest your sides split with laughter.

AJ goes to the Vic for a quiet pint and comments on how quiet it is. Then - and make sure to tighten that corset - he asks if someone died! HOHOHO! Oh, people around the nation will surely be choking on their howls of laughter when Alfie replies that someone did die! Then to make this comedy gold even better, he starts trash talking (or more accurately, summarising to a tee Derek's winning personality) the 1950s wannabe gangsta when Scotch Egg and Jacknocchio are within earshot!

Zainab is going on about what a liability AJ is when Patrick warns them about AJ being in trouble - forcing Masood to drag him out of the Vic before he gets lynched. DOHOHOHO! Masood is then able to explain to Geordie Racer that this isn't even REAL arguing! Apparently all of this can be resolved by Masood raising his voice though.

Tanya is cancelling her honeymoon while Max sleeps on the sofa - DUE TO UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES! Abi asks Lauren if their family can survive the latest idiocy of their Scotch Egg of a father but apparently despite repeated infidelity on both sides, the sudden and violent death of Bradley, the chronic health problems of forgotten Jim and the small matter of Tanya trying to bury Max alive - this, THIS is what's going to push them past the point of no return.

The earthbound avatar of misery - better known as Carol - tells Bianca to put a smile back on the kids faces... A good start to that would be throwing yourself into a furnace, Carol. She goes to see Half-Day Alice - who was earlier sitting alone in a darkened room - and tries to cheer her up... that's like an ocean trying to help a puddle dry out but she immediately gives up on that... it's for the best.

Tanya is not best pleased about the fact Max changed their honeymoon into a cheap and cheerful trip to Spain - perhaps he should mention that was to pay-off the Secret Wife to curry favour? Jacknocchio and Misery Guts come around to discuss the funeral of the Hogfather. Jack in a rare moment of clarity points out people will be gloating at Derek's death - it's surprising there isn't a party going on already. Jack seems fine with paying for the funeral though - clearly owning an empty warehouse is a profitable endeavour in Walford!

Apparently Tanya is of the same opinion as Lauren about the family and spying on Secret Wife and she's going to sort her out! Which involves trying to quiz Kim at the B&B - Jedi mind tricks don't work on someone that doesn't have a mind, Tanya. This is another incident where the writing is so trite and clichéd that the Crayon Crew feel the need for the characters to actually out and out say "This is trite and clichéd " as Secret Wife says "Have you come to run me out of town." Come on! A seven year old would roll their eyes at that!

The Secret Wife isn't going to make things easy for Tanya though. She's going to take her to the bank. THE BLOOD BANK! No, this episode wishes it could come up with a line that ridiculous. Tanya isn't scared of Secret Wife though! So, she's just going to live in the B&B until she gets Max back... that's the gritty realism that makes Eastenders so compelling! The fact people can just up and leave their life behind and instantly relocate despite the fact they're barely above the poverty line at the best of times.

So apparently talking to the Secret Wife - which involved telling her about how Max is a lying cheating scumbag who habitually sleeps with gutter sluts - has convinced Tanya that it's time to give Max a second chance! Oh and Secret Wife walks into a job at the Vic - a full shift there would probably just about cover a day at the B&B. Just kidding - it wouldn't even cover that.

Bianca begins Operation: Cheer Up The Kids... the only problem? She's Bianca and hence has no money. So, after just saying they can't afford to spend money she decides they'll cook... even though they have no food and no money to buy food - which leads to her asking Tyler if he has any stock left... so, if they're going to sell that to pay for the food, why is the lack of money an issue? Oh, right - idiocy.

So, after about five minutes of work the children return with sufficient ingredients for the cooking... This is mere moments after we saw the kids "carolling" and Bianca/Twitney working the stall... how, why... unless you've got yourself plumbed into a distillery, let's just roll with it.

Brace yourself for more hilarity as everything goes HORRIBLY WRONG! Despite the fact all of thirty seconds has passed, they've somehow prepared a very badly made cake (which gets knocked to the floor) AND managed to burn  the ribs... luckily, Liam (who has had a cap-ectomy) is there to offer to buy lunch from absolutely-not-KFC.

Twitney prefers chicken anyway! Phew! But then Ray turns up to bake a cake... and he presumably remembered that Morgan was his long lost son too. He bought him a PSP and everything. Ray is magically able to conjure an obviously store bought cake from thin air and we get some revelation about the fact Morgan already had games for the PSP... which leads to Bianca finding Derek's secret shed of dodgy gear!

Bianca isn't exactly happy about this but Tyler has been in on it for a while and it's apparently worth several thousand pounnddddsssssaaa. We're supposed to believe there's some kind of moral conundrum for Bianca though, which is a joke - everyone on the Square is up to their neck in something illegal and it has been a running theme for Bianca since her return that the bills, they keep on coming. Hammered home again as we see her looking at bills before and after this revelation... why are they making this feel as if it would be a hard choice for her? It wouldn't be, she's not law abiding citizen who baulks at the idea of jaywalking - she's an impulsive, stupid and desperate mother of dozens who lives below the poverty line and has just been gifted mana from heaven.

Bianca goes to talk about this stuff with Jacknocchio and he takes the shocking step of suggesting that they could tell the police - luckily, Bianca decides to just prise the gifts from her children's hands. Liam is apparently not pleased and tries to sell the gear right in front of his house! Bianca is not best pleased at this and goes to the fuzz but DUN DUN DUN! When she opens the garage, it's... EMPTY! ONOES!

Lola drops into the caaaaaaaaafffffffffff and finds out that Phil's diabolical machinations have escalated to buying Lexi a nice (and expensive) christening dress and he's arranging it all for her. That BASTARD! Lola then decides that she'll choose the godparents but SURPRISE! Phil has already chosen Grant and Peggy - coz they're FAMMMMMMLEEEEEEEEEEEE but fear not Lola, Billy Idiot has an idea... best keep her away from sharp objects.

The genius idea  is that if Lola is to have the banished Mitchells as Lexi's godparents, then she gets to spend time alone with her baby... as this is an entirely reasonable request from the child's mother - Phil INSTANTLY starts shouting because shouting equals DRAMA! He's remarkably recalcitrant about this trifling concession...

Apparently this leads to good luck for both Billy Idiot (who wins on a horse) and Lola (who gets some work at the salon) but Shirley is not so lucky. She needs a job. What? Really?! She hasn't had any visible means of support in years and she just NOW needs a job... but then Lola say she won't get one "looking like that", which causes some offence... Presumably the fact that mirrors crack just from having her near them didn't clue Shirley in to the state of her looks but Pointless Poppy knows of a job going... see! Oh, it's at definitely-probably-not-KFC! Seems a bit dangerous, Shirley - they might try and stick you in the oven.

Oh and Phil goes nanners because Lexi isn't back on time. He's very hands on, isn't he?

Patrick hands a fistful of notes to Jay because times are tough - which is why he's able to give him money despite being a pensioner... Jay bemoans the lack of work. That's a joke - the time between jobs in Walford is measured in hours. He then has to listen to Denise moan about doing Kim's job for her... why is she doing that? Later on, even Denise asks why she's doing Kim's job for her - NO ANSWER! Oh and Patrick wants Denise to find a man.

Pointless Poppy is wafting around the Square and hears tell of Zainab's "party of the century". Zainab is spending the day with AJ - who was able to walk back into his job at the Arches... It's a miracle Phil even remembers that he owns the place. Then for the sake of additional hilarity, AJ needs her help to finish a job! PRONTO!

The only client in the Arches for the past decade actually turns up as Zainab is thrashing the engine - he's not best pleased and immediately starts shouting the odds. Remember - shouting equals drama! Fortunately, the plot contrives to give Zainab the opportunity to blackmail  this customer into not wanting  his car ready. Which means it's time to prepare for... THE PARTY OF THE CENTURY! Oh and Zainab wants to hook up Geordie Racer and Tamwar.

Wednesday 26th December 2012

Everyone has gathered to sit quietly, reflecting on the death of Derek - presumably because they're all laughed out at his hilarious death scene. The secret wife comes to visit Max. Then Carol pretends that she actually had a brother she hadn't even mentioned until he turned up on the Square and apparently there is a public outpouring of grief as the Branning family stand by where the Hogfather of crime met his comedic end.

Max, Jack, Joey and Kat all stand around in the rain to "get their story straight". Isn't that generally only necessary in a situation where you've done something untoward? Perhaps dishonesty is just such a reflex for Homo Walfordus that it takes a conscious effort to tell the truth? Besides, if there WAS foul play involved it would almost certainly be revealed in an autopsy.

For no apparent reason, they start feeding the police some fiction about how it was a happy Christmas affair and then Derek collapsed dead... because that's not going to fall apart under the most cursory of cross-examination... still, a flimsily constructed lie that will collapse under the slightest scrutiny - it's what Derek would want.

As something miserable has happened, Carol is on hand to be a cloud of  human misery and feels it necessary to diminish the joy of Derek's timely demise by mentioning her dead son. So good of you to remember, Carol! It's not as if Jack who you're talking to tragically lost a son in even WORSE circumstances OH! WAIT! HE DID! So did Max for that matter. Anyway, to ensure her monopoly on misery continues Carol is off to arrange the funeral - there is presumably only so long the bloated corpse of Derek can reasonably be expected to not explode due to the volatile chemicals in his body and hair combining. Oh and she throws in a line about burying their kids - yeah, way to lighten the mood misery guts.

For no discernible reason, Poxy has stayed the night at the Vic (with Alfie on the coach). She's unalarmed by her daughter is ACTUALLY TALKING! Then Jean is blathering on about how Alfie rushes into things and as there aren't enough lines for her and Mo - it's Mo that finishes off the bit about Kat barely being gone... After Poxy has been warned off, Alfie pops his head in to be told everyone is getting on JUST FINE!

Even the dim witted Poxy has to tell the flirty Alfie to back off because he's rushing into things. Wow, you know you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic when you've got Poxy telling you what you're doing is stupid! Apparently Poxy is keeping him sane though... wow, that makes the prospect of his insanity truly terrifying.

Kim has so little brain, she apparently slept through Christmas - oh... the hilarity. Then she can't say rohypnol and Patrick appears from... wherever he disappeared to this time. Then to increase the hilarity THE MASOODS ARRIVE! Oh, comedy gold will surely ensue! Assuming that the Crayon Crew have the ability to transmute lead into gold.

Kim storms off because Christmas is ruined - is it too late for us to get another Christmas present in the form of her death? - and then turns up in the Vic to moan about Christmas being ruined to the Secret Wife. Then she tells Poxy that Kat and Alfie have a "connection innit". Where's a serial killer when you need one?

Anyway the laughathon at the B&B continues with everyone feeling that the sudden death of Derek is a time for everyone to remember those closest to them... prompting Masood to start saying things so trite and clichéd that even the Crayon Crew feel a need to draw attention to the fact that even in a show riddled with barrel scraping, that this is worthy of acknowledgement as bad. So proudly bad that Patrick remembers that Denise has two daughters! Just as well he did because she never shows  any signs of recalling that.

The still sullen Kim returns, moping about how she's going to bed but Denise has equipped people with party poppers and put on a certain season relevant Slade song and that's apparently enough for her to be joyful... It seems like a lot of effort to go to, jangling a set of keys in front of her would have had the same effect... oh and Zainab says they're having New Years at their house before they all start throwing packing foam at each other... OK...

Tanya is confused by the whole Secret Wife thing and had apparently expected a Christmas free of dramas... you had about thirty people at your house. You're lucky there wasn't a riot! The Secret Wife and Derek dead... that pretty much evens out for you! Besides, surely Tanya can't be stupid enough to think that Scotch Egg is going to do anything other than cheat on her again? But no, Tanya apparently expected no secrets and lies - would even Kim be that stupid? Then Cora tells her to buck up her ideas and stop the Secret Wife from getting her claws into Max because Max is SUCH a catch.

Meanwhile, Secret Wife is getting her claws into Max! She really needs to get her roots done! Then she runs up to talk to Abi for some reason but fortunately Cora is there to gnash her teeth. Then Tanya takes over and offers Secret Wife an ULTIMATUM! Leave of your own free will or she'll make you leave! DUN DUN DUN!

Half-Day Alice - who was rendered mute until now but who would notice? - and Joey have a talk and Alice accuses him of being glad their father is dead... why wouldn't he be? They should be having a big party! Oh and then she says he's responsible for Derek's death and one of the most pathetic "GER OUT!" performances ever. She's aware that it was terrible and breaks down sobbing.

Lauren tries to cheer the Hogson up but apparently he's very upset by the death of the father he had cultivated an intense hatred of. That's such a cliché. It would have been far more interesting if Joey had been actually HAPPY to see his father die and far more original.

Max, Jacknocchio and Misery Guts go to see Derek's rotting carcass. Naturally, Carol can't wait for an opportunity to feast on the misery but Max is - for some reason - somewhat reluctant...

Tuesday 25th December 2012

Hold on tight everyone it's tight for a DOUBLE HELPING of Britain's most MISERABLE CHRISTMAS SHOW!

Max hides the ring for Tanya (who he is planning on marrying on CHRISTMAS DAY - without having told her) in typical soap fashion and then assures her that they just have to suffer one more day of Derek... could that be... FORESHADOWING?!

Kat continues to look so rough that it looks as if she's been sleeping on the streets and Derek is apparently filled with the Christmas spirit... sufficient to wind up Jacknocchio and then converse with whoever is involved with the SECRET SECRET... will it be hired goons, will it be a secret family or did Max join a secret society of Morris Dancers?

Kat looks all teary as she hands Tommy over to Jean... are we  supposed to care about a woman that even Saint Alfie of Walford can't stand the sight of? Christmas is apparently enough for the various hidden children to be recalled from their 24-hour boarding crèches/schools... goodness. Home for one day a year - that's pretty harsh! Oh and Poxy's progeny despite being what... four or five? Still apparently mute. Perhaps she has learned the greatest lesson Walford has to teach - better to say nothing and let people think you a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Poxy, despite having had months to reconcile herself with the fact that she and Alfie weren't going to happen is apparently wasting no time, flirting up a storm with him. Real classy. Then Saint Alfie of Walford instructs everyone to don coats because a struggling publican like him can afford to arrange another of his patented CHRISTMAS MIRACLES! Although, at least this time it's just Alfie risking life and limb to put snow off the roof.

The Branning brood has collected together... where's a well placed de-orbiting satellite or rogue asteroid when you need one? Derek keeps going on about being "head of the family", is this his new catch phrase or is it like smelling toast and sign of an imminent stroke? He's not really mentioned it much and yet in the past week it seems to have become a mantra... someone should ask him if he's smelling burnt toast.

The extended Branning clan is addressed by the Hogfather, who delights in making some rather obvious slights about Lauren's crash before proposing a toast to everyone - especially Kat! Oh and the crackers are pulled and everything goes everywhere... the fact Max's ring could be easily mistaken for one from a cracker is likely to play no part in the upcoming storyline though, why even bring it up, eh?

Derek seems to getting drunk and is already controlling Kat... but then, as she's acting like a robot he could just assume that's part of her programming... He should probably send her back and get a refund. He also instructs Tanya to make Kat feel part of the family... how? Perhaps they can conspire to bury the Hogfather alive? That would be a good bonding experience.

Joey appears, apparently at Max's behest, just to cheer up Lauren... wow, he came to terms with that incredibly quickly... eh, if someone can marry the person that killed their fiancée within a year, this is pretty plausible by comparison. Max is just concerned with Lauren's happiness though and so the drunken Derek comes to tell him he's not all that. To whit Max replies that none of their family love him and he'll be glad to see the back of him.

What is Derek's riposte? OH! THE SECRET SECRET! Seriously, there should be some kind of drinking game for Derek's blackmail threats - although, it's unlikely anyone would survive. Jacknocchio walks in and the two agree that they'd just get Derek sent back inside... so, they've actually remembered that Derek is supposed to be on probation - seems like they'd forgotten.

He blubs to Carol about how terrible his life is and how Kat and Alice are his FAAAMMMMMMLEEEEE! Then he goes to talk to Kat in the toilet, tells her he loves her and that she means more to him than anything in the world - not forgetting to add in plenty of lies about Alfie. He then offers to whisk her and Tommy away to Mexico to live... this is definitely sounding like a prelude to Kat ending up in a shallow grave. More like a prelude to an episode of Cracker than a love story.

Max dresses  up as Santa on meth and tells Derek he's been a "very naughty boy" but surely, the joke is about to be on Scotch Egg as a mysterious car pulls up outside the Branning residence! OHOH! Just as Tanya opens a wedding dress, the doorbell rings! Could it be? Could this be the revelation of... THE SECRET SECRET!? Nope! FAKE OUT! It's dial-a-registrar!

So, somehow Max was able to get both a dress AND a registrar the day before Christmas? Eh, the guy managed to cure Jacknocchio's paralysis with orange juice... so, this is probably well within the scope of his powers... Tanya also seems thrilled at an impromptu no frills service in her own home... not exactly a dream wedding, is it?

Ohoh, here comes ANOTHER MYSTERIOUS CAR! Just as Tanya comes down the stairs having prepared for her wedding in about two minutes and the doorbell rings! It's... A SECRET WIFE! Who makes quite the point of saying that she's his lawful wife to all and sundry... This seems to happen a lot in Eastenders, people trying to get married without having had their previous marriages dissolved are they unaware that bigamy is a crime or do they just really hate paperwork?

So, showdown with secret wife... apparently Max swept her off her feet (there goes the suspension of disbelief!), they were married and then when he found out about Tanya's cancer flu, instead of explaining this situation to her... he just disappeared. The secret wife even points out that a better way of dealing with this would have been TALKING TO HER, rather than stuffing envelopes of cash through the door. That makes sense.

After Poxy showing just what kind of a woman she is by professing her love to the heartbroken and emotionally vulnerable Alfie (something that would garner active hatred if the sexes were swapped - go double standards!), Kat arrives to pick up Tommy and what's this?! Derek's masterful deceit has fallen apart?! AGAIN?! Derek's deceptions have all the subtlety and nuance of a seven year old with hands covered in paint standing next to a wall covered in handprints going "It wasn't me."

Seriously, every single one of his lies seems to rely absolutely on people trusting him entirely and... that's just not a particularly good way to go about constructing a web of lies, especially when you're a career criminal who has repeatedly been caught in lies anyway. Despite this revelation though, Alfie has apparently decided that he's got enough credits for a post-humous sainthood now and that he's going to give up on Kat, saying he's "moved on", giving a look to Poxy. Really? REALLY?! Kat does what any reasonable person would - she goes outside and does some dry heaving.

Back at the ol' Branning place, Tanya is using the demon drink to keep her nerves at bay while her husband and his secret wife have a tête-a-tête in her bedroom. Then in another fine example of Derek's mastery of dissembling, Max finds out that his bruv didn't give the two grand to the secret wife and the secret wife reveals that she had a baby (but lost it)... and Derek was supposed to have told Max. Which led to the secret wife having an abortion because of Derek's porkies. Oh and the secret wife still loves Scotch Egg.

After that little confession, it's time for Tanya to come in (having sent everyone home). Predictable bland exchange between the two women, and then it's time for Tanya and Max to have a predictable bland exchange! Apparently Max married his secret wife just to prove that he loved her... that sounds like a dare gone wrong. To sum up the overly long scene - it looks as if Tanya is going to forgive Max but then she doesn't.

To end the tedium of another Max/Tanya conversation, we have Kat come a callin' and her sorrow has  turned to anger as she confronts Derek - who has magically sobered up! She comes looking for the messages but guess what?! HE DELETED THEM! Derek tries to talk her around on Mexico but Kat has apparently stopped being a robot and points out that he can't make her... which leads to the surreal scene of him insisting she put her coat on, before insisting he can be very persuasive... and again, it feels as if we've got a storyline that was going to involve sexual assualt and murder when Derek shouts "PUT YOUR COAT ON!" apparently having forgotten that he's in a house full of people. Yes, Derek - very persuasive.

Max and Jacknocchio burst in and a predictable altercation ensues with Max saying he's going to kill Derek... and then in possibly the most laughable rebuttal in recent memory, the Hogfather declares that Max is the runt of the litter. People in glasses houses, Derek. Oh and then he goes off about being head of the family again - smelling any burning toast, Derek?

In fact, it's pretty clear that something in Derek's tiny brain is broken because he's talking about "his Kat" and "his Tommy" when it's pretty clear Kat would have preferred to be next to an open sewer... Such is his delusion, he tries to haul her out of the house  - at which point  there's quite the ruck as Jacknocchio and Joey  heave him out onto the street, presumably before he starts foaming at the mouth and starts making a mess of the carpet.

Threats of vengeance against all of them and their kin for a hundred generations barely off his lips, Derek has the most hilarious case of sudden onset death syndrome that renders him dead in about thirty seconds... He was definitely smelling toast then. Although, to be fair - it looks as if he'd had a few antacids, he'd have been fine.

Monday 24th December 2012

Max awakes to the aftermath of Lauren's destruction and the rest of the family then assemble to discuss what they're going to do. It seems that once again, Lauren's oft forgotten drinking problem has become serious - serious enough to warrant the cancellation of the wedding and the reference to the almost totally forgotten Billy, who died of alcohol poisoning.

So, the wedding is to be cancelled at the eleventh hour... goodness, let's hope there isn't some CRAZY scheme to get the wedding done at the last minute! Lauren attempts to make amends for her mega-tantrum - oh, come on on Lauren! Don't be so hard on yourself, the last time you did it you were another person! Dohohoho.

Arfuuuuuuuur and Pointless Poppy talk about Christmas plans (with obvious foreshadowing of Arfuuuuur's miserable Christmas alone). Then we cut back to the entirely forgettable competition between Arfuuuuuur and  the remaining Goony brother - which Arfuuuuuuur is apparently losing badly. Cue the woman without a brain, Kim to come to his assistance WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS.

Actually, that's just what the Crayon Crew probably write next to all of her storylines in the vague hope that one day they won't be soul crushingly awful. Her idea to help Arfuuuuuuur is "sex", which apparently involves her dressing like a prostitute. As this is Walford, this somehow seems to attract people's attention. This causes the Goony to retaliate by striping down to Christmas underwear - which is apparently a big draw... OK.

Billy Idiot has returned for a FAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMLEEEE Christmas but  ZE SOCIAL is - according to Phil and thus, the writers - sufficiently spiteful and/or incompetent to not be able to facilitate such a happy event. Billy Idiot and Lola go to Phil's, all glum and Phil's place looks rather sparse but apparently Phil is an elaborate practical joker as he has put ALL his Christmas stuff behind a sliding door and he has Lexi... that seems a lot of effort to go to for just the two of them...

Kat - looking rougher than usual - wakes up to the even ugly reality of Derek, who is now trying to convince her that she and Tommy will make a fine addition to his FAMMMMMLEEEEE. What's next? He's going to break her leg and start looking after her a la Misery?

Poxy tries to convince Alfie not to open up but extraordinarily he actually says they need the business. That's a first! Then they see the blubbering Jean who is inconsolable due to Kat's betrayal but she is a mad woman, so Poxy distracts her with some words and she's right as rain! Then she's delegated to deliver Tommy to Kat. This allows her and Mo ample opportunity to express their shame, disappointment and anger.

Kat gets a frosty reception walking down the street with Tommy and then bumps into Alfie and Poxy. Kat is apparently taking him to see Santa, she thrust Tommy into Alfie's arms and this leads to a meaningful exchange of stares between Kat and Poxy. GRIPING! Alfie then tries to give tearful farewells to his son and then Kat half-heartedly asks about the voice message. You've got to try harder than that!

Criminal mastermind Derek sneaks back to his house, sits down after having shouted "Kat!" once in a room with the door open, before removing a large box to inspect his secret stash of items for his diabolical schemes! Not only is that something someone he could find easily, he KNOWS that the police like to raid his house! Apparently after this criminal plotting though, he gets straight to cooking.

Night falls (although, for once an appreciable amount of time seems to have passed) and we have Alfie in the pub and everyone is all hushed when they see him... that's not going to make an awkward situation more awkward or anything! The bet is remembered and the fact that the wager is between Alfie and Derek is mentioned... something that would have struggled to be interesting even if the Phantom Shagger plot had been done differently. Clearly in denial of his feelings, Alfie urges everyone not to be miserable but then perversely gets Kim (still dressed like a whore) to sing to them... that's surely a violation of the Geneva Convention!

Shirley having reappeared, steps outside and talks to Kat who was apparently just lurking by the exit of the Vic with Tommy, waiting for someone to come out and give her some trite advice before Derek comes to retrieve her.

Derek stops by to give Max some pigs in blankets (fifty four, if you were curious) and somewhat predictably, yet another one of Derek's laughable little deceptions collapses in on itself after the most cursory inspection... Max is not best pleased by the Hogfather's hamfisted machinations  and says Derek is not longer welcome in his house, predictably Hogfather INSTANTLY leaps to his blackmail gambit... in fact, he's not content for just one. He doubles down and goes for the Lauren in jail AND the SECRET SECRET. Seriously, Derek - you do this EVERYTIME. Talk about leaving yourself nowhere to go...

Poxy starts making googly eyes at Alfie despite the fact the guy is an emotional basket case who looks about half a step away from an Ian Beale trampoid meltdown - although the only lasting side effect of that is apparently the substantial weight gain but no doubt the fact the bet betwixt Derek and Alfie was rigged by the Goony brother will keep him happy a little longer!

Arfuuuuur is surprised by Pointless Poppy and they're going to spend Christmas together and are now "going steady". This is before Alfie calls time but he's just messing with people because apparently, they're going to have... A LOCK-IN! Those always go so well!

Kat looks out across the Square, forlornly at the Vic and fortunately - Alfie has the exact same idea! If only there was some way people come communicate at distance! Then Derek waddles in to put an arm around her and it's Alfie's turn to give a meaningful stare off into the distance - who does he think he is, Brian  Cox?

The Brannings are preparing for Christmas, as Max is apparently going to marry Tanya on Christmas day - unaware of the TERRIBLE HORRORS THAT AWAIT THEM! As Derek has apparently informed the goons involved in the SECRET SECRET the location of Max... uh... Max is a business owner, London is a big city but come on - how hard can it be to find someone with a business?!

Friday 21st December 2012

Derek Branning - Walford's Hogfather of crime - is sitting in the Vic, radiating smug while everyone dutifully plays statues again. Alfie storms off behind the bar, followed by Kat and asks how she could be so sick and twisted as to cheat on him with Derek... yikes! Still, a pretty valid question or at least it would be if we hadn't already established that Kat is looked down on by rutting alleycats for her undiscerning promiscuity.

Alfie shouts because shouting equals ACTING! That's not quite enough ACTING though and so, he has to push her through the doors back out into the Vic (despite her pleading) and then through the pub out into the still ongoing German fair while Kat blubbers. Then he goes back  into the Vic, everyone STILL frozen in place and utterly silent.

The Hogfather gets up and slowly puts on his overcoat while giving a meaningful glower toward Alfie, who makes his way through the still inanimate proles... perhaps someone just turned they're playing a game and they're actually just waiting for someone to turn the music back on or something? Alfie makes his way over to Derek who turns around casually, tells the assorted Brannings he'll see them at the wedding and then is on his merry way after giving Alfie another glower. Why exactly is he glowering at Alfie? Are we going to get some ridiculous situation where Derek proclaims to be the person Kat deserves? Bleugh.

Derek sees Kat and is all smiles and sunshine, telling her that he'll look after her but perhaps able to see him in adequate lighting conditions she doesn't seem overly keen on the prospect of that help and cries out for Alfie, prompting Derek to say "He can't hear you." First off - given the fact pretty much everyone in the Vic seems to have struck dumb, Kat has a voice comparable in volume to a fog horn and is standing just a few steps from the door, that's nonse. Secondly - could that sound ANY more rapey? Seriously, are we just building up to the revelation that Derek went to jail for a series of sex offences? It would fit RIGHT in with how stalkerish and downright creepy this storyline has been...

Back in the Vic, Alfie does the predictable "I don't need your help!" and throws the Brannings out, before going off on a tirade at the assorted pond scum of Walford, punctuated by smashing glasses and "GET OUT OF MY PUB!" Pfft, not a patch on Peggy - she could do it better in her sleep... You'd see people put more feeling into their orders a fast food restaurant.

For some reason this situation  prompts Half-Day Alice to start blubbering. Uh... why? The Hogfather looked pretty pleased at how things turned out! Oh, right  - this seems to be a way of making sure she doesn't go back to her father's place... pfft! As if Half-Day Alice could actually be involved in anything even vaguely interesting, she's like Middas, except everything she touches turns to dull!

Lauren - having once again remembered she has an alcohol problem - is drunk and has been threatening to reveal some of the skeletons in her mother's closet and when her father is his usual grating self, she has had enough and decides  to come clean about the car crash - how Joey took the fall for her because she had been drinking and how Tanya knew about it but didn't tell Max because Lauren was sleeping with Joey! DUN DUN DUN!

Max isn't too happy about this revelation as Lauren stands in the background with a bottle of vodka that teleported into her hand. Tanya gives her a slap because it's Christmas time! Lauren then goes on to say she hates her mother because she knows that she told Joey to go away, which makes Tanya let slip that Joey loved her and that was why he left. Despite her pathetic attempt to play dumb (followed by the most obvious guilty face ever), Lauren is able to work out that she knows something... proving that a thoroughly intoxicated teenager is orders of magnitude more intelligent than Alfie.

As her mother fails to answer her, Lauren takes some drastic measures and takes the wedding dress hostage! This is apparently a good tactic because Tanya almost immediately spills her guts about how this was all down to the Hogfather's machinations. Which she then follows up by shouting, tearing the dress, knocking the conveniently place wedding cake to the ground and falling to the ground and vomiting... What does she do for an encore?!

For about the seventeenth time this year, Max is about ready to go round and beat some sense into his brother but Tanya points out that Derek could still call the police and this would somehow result in Lauren going to jail, despite the fact there's almost certainly no material evidence left and he'd STILL BE SAYING HE SUBMITTED A FALSE ACCIDENT REPORT! WHICH IS A CRIME! Or have they forgotten that he's supposed to be worried about getting sent back to jail? Oh, wait - that happened constantly even when they DID remember. Still, Tanya tells Max that he's just going to have to stomach it.

At Derek's flat - Derek has turned the creepy rapey factor up to around a seven, there's plenty of room for it to get more skin crawling, folks! The real question is whether Derek is supposed to be coming off as a sex offender? The one thing he definitely isn't coming off as, is someone a conscious and sane woman would want to be in the same room as - let alone have consensual sex with... but then Kat isn't exactly sane.

Apparently, even Kat isn't capable of falling for Derek's as yet unidentified charms as she says again that she isn't in love with him and still loves Alfie - even if he doesn't believe her. Kat realises that she sent a message to Derek saying it was over and goes searching for Derek's phone, he tells her he deletes his messages... only for Kat to find he has kept ALL OF THEM! Nothing creepy about that or the fact he then adds that he likes to hear the sound of Kat's voice... Oh and Kat is instantly able to find the message she was talking about. What are the chances?!

She says she's going to show Alfie the recording, followed by a menacing and very rapey "You can't." from the Hogfather... yeah, this storyline is about on course for the best Christmas Walford ever had... Apparently, this is just him trying to convince her this is a bad idea though. Kat doesn't buy into this though and says she still wants to make a go of it with Alfie, which prompts the Hogfather to say that HE'LL go over and talk to Alfie. On his own... because someone with a reputation for manipulation (albeit some of the most ham-fisted, self-defeating manipulation seen outside of the playground) is exactly who you want in a situation where they have a vested interest in things going their way.

Kat even asks why he'd do it for her... perhaps not realising the obvious idiocy of handing over the ONE recording that proves you at least TRIED to get Derek to back-off but she's so stupid that she buys into the transparent lies of a pathological liar and career criminal. Although, if she wasn't intensely stupid - she wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

At the Vic, there came a rapping, as if someone came a tapping - it's Derek! Apparently the less than twenty minutes that has passed (possibly closer to ten?) has been enough for the Vic to look as good as new. As one might expect, Alfie isn't exactly back to cheeky chappy yet. We get the bit where it seems as if Derek is being all sincere and wants to mend the fence.

BUT WHAT'S THIS?! He's played a message where Kat is going on about her lust for Derek and he then goes on to tell Alfie that she's been calling him day and night. CURSE YOUR SUDDEN YET INEVITABLE BETRAYAL, HOGFATHER! If you didn't see that coming - you're blind. Then there's a friendly punch in the face for Derek. He also gets a complimentary barring for life from the Vic! With Derek gone, Alfie breaks down having expended all his shoutiness and starts weeping like a woman and then Poxy gives him a hug.

Derek goes back to tell Kat his pack of easily exposed lies... that's anti-climactic.

Thursday 20th December 2012

Alfie is following his dear wife through the German fair like a serial killer before he's accosted by the drunken hen party and finally he gives some overdue abuse to Kim and then all of a sudden MORE drunken people get in the way as he tries to follow Kat... you wouldn't get very far as a private detective Alfie. It seems as if he's managed to lose Kat because of the inexplicably busy Albert Square but turns to see her doing what people in soaps often do - standing very conspicuously pondering her actions. In this case, it's going into the Phantom Shagger's secret flat.

Following Alfie goes into the flat and it's at around this point you should be getting a sinking feeling as the two worst characters seem as if they're going to at least be the main focus of this entire episode, if not monopolise it entirely... Best pour yourself a double quintuple to numb yourself...

Alfie puts his ear to the door of the flat before kicking the door in with such ease, it makes you wonder why people in Walford even bother with locks when it seems even a light breeze could smash a door open and there is Kat, in the lair of the PHANTOM SHAGGER but it's just her and a bed covered with rose petals - details so important they have to be conveyed via a POV shot!

Alfie demands to know where the Phantom Shagger is and Kat says "who?" Come on Kat, Alfie is stupid but he's not THAT stupid. Perhaps realising that a flat out denial isn't the best of tactics, she says he isn't there and Alfie starts to play twenty questions. You'd think the logical ones would be "who is it?" or "how long?" or even "why?" but no, Alfie wants to know where the Phantom Shagger is and when he'll be there - when Kat can't answer, he says she doesn't know much to whit she replies "You've got this so wrong!"

Goodness, Kat! With your reputation for wanton promiscuity, your track record of infidelity to Alfie, with him now finding you in a flat that isn't yours and finding the bed covered in rose petals how he could POSSIBLY be jumping to any conclusions?!

In a shocking bit of common sense and continuity, Alfie recalls the fact Kat had said the Phantom Shagger was not from Walford - she assures him that was the ONLY lie before saying that meeting him in the Phantom Shagger's "shag pad" is just to get him to leave her alone. If only you could just have told Alfie about this from the start? Oh, wait - YOU COULD HAVE. You could have done that at literally any point in the months this has been going on, in fact you SWORE to Alfie that you'd be honest about this stuff.

As she's a poorly written soap character though, Kat has saved it all up for one big impassioned exposition dump. In fact, she even says that she hasn't slept with the Phantom Shagger and it seems fairly clear she didn't have any intention of doing so, so there's really NO reason why she couldn't just have told Alfie all of this beyond plot contrivance.

So, you'd think at this point Kat would come clean. There's no REASON to hold anything back but no, when Alfie starts talking about jewellery - she plays dumb again but the real question is, did Alfie make sure to have the ring with him JUST in case be confronted Kat? For that matter, didn't Kat have the key and the ring in "hidden" in the same place. We don't see Alfie go into the Vic, so unless Kat had the key with her before Alfie's faux departure, how could she not notice the ring was missing?

Regardless of that, why does Kat have to be drawn on the issue of the ring? What has she to gain by being so recalcitrant to answer these questions? Oh, right - it pads the episode and lets Alfie be shouty and remember this is Eastenders! Shouting = acting and drama.

The cogs are still turning in Alfie's brain though and he suddenly realises that the only way the Phantom Shagger could have known about Kat's ring would be if they were a regular at the Vic - prompting Kat to insist he's just a dodgy bloke... WHY LIE?! Why, why, why? Where is the catharsis of confession? This all feels so jarring, so forced, so contrived. Why protect his identity?

She goes on about how he wouldn't leave her alone repeatedly. Oh, if only there was someone in your life you could talk to about that. Someone you had made a life long commitment to! Oh and what would be even better if there was some kind of organisation, some kind of force that take action against someone who is STALKING YOU. Oh, wait! THERE IS! You're making Kim look like a rocket scientist.

Alfie finally gets around to asking Kat who it is but she won't tell him because she's had a lobotomy that makes it look like Poxy got extra brains put in - she doesn't answer and when she spies the papers for the lease on the bedside table, she starts acting super suspicious before going nanners and trying to burn them... although, the most surprising thing about this scene is that in his struggle to get past Kat to see what's burning, Alfie doesn't knock her to the ground... cliché averted?

But Kat's wild flailings are insufficient and Alfie discovers the lease is made out to... MR. BRANNING! DUN DUN DUN! Oh and he doesn't stamp on the paper to put it out to check if there's anything that might identify WHICH Mr. Branning - he just reads that as it's on fire and then drops it (still burning) to the ground. Which inexplicably makes the entire room sound as if it has a giant roaring fire in it.

So, Alfie pieces it together and now it's time for... BRANNING BINGO! Eyes down! So, he runs down the three suspects and Kat continues the whole "I'm not telling you!" Come on! It's possible although, far from plausible that you thought you could spare extra drama and have an easier life by keeping the Phantom Shagger's identity a secret when Alfie found out the first time but he's been stalking you since your return and has shown NO intention of stopping - if you have a REASON to keep his identity a secret you HAVE to say what it is because this just smacks of a way to draw out a single scene to a full episode.

Kat then does the "hit me, I deserve it!" thing and then asks Alfie not give up on her...Maybe you should tell him who the Phantom Shagger is then? Right, that would require Kat to act like a human being and not the ambulatory plot contrivance she is for this storyline... She finally offers some justification for her idiotic actions by saying he'll get hurt and make things worse - predictably making Alfie shout - before he storms off to confront the Branning brothers... looks like your genius plan has gone and backfired, Kat.

Alfie's return to the Vic is so significant it requires not just one or two switches to Alfie POV shots but SEVEN before he's able to confront the troika known only as THE BRANNING BEAST! What follows is probably one of the most prosaic confrontations in Walford history, Alfie tosses the accusation at each of them in turn but no one immediately starts shouting or throwing fists... Alfie is loud and excessive in his directness almost to the point of offensiveness but everyone just flatly denies it.

All seems lost for Alfie - although, that doesn't stop everyone else in the pub from play statues - until a phone starts ringing! DUN DUN DUN! It's Kat and after a long suspenseful pause that would have been better suited to a talent show or Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, with each head of THE BRANNING BEAST shown in turn, Alfie returns the phone to Max. Who flat out denies it.

And then, finally - like the oppressive atmosphere of a thunderstorm breaking as the rain begins to fall - fisticuffs ensue but are quickly broken up when Kat bursts in to reveal it's not Max she was having an affair with but... DEREK! Wow, Kat was having an affair with the only LOGICAL suspect - disregarding his physical appearance, obviously - that is a twist as far as Eastenders goes.

So, there you go - the Hogfather is the Phantom Shagger! Yawn. Who cares - just get this wretched excuse for a storyline put to bed!