Monday 24th June 2013

It seems as if the Brannings are having a birthday for Abi... they're clearly not that worried about Lauren then. Although, apparently they're not having alcohol so they're not being completely idiotic... and Kirstie sneakily buys tampons in the shop... lucky for her one she went in when it was one of the mute shop assistants but as soon as she walks out, she sees Max! Ruhroh! Oh and he isn't too happy about Carl having turned up.

Oh and Lauren didn't return home last night but Max immediately decides it was down to Peter.

One scene of Tanya snubbing Joey later, Caveman Max seems to have evolved by a few thousand years as he's now fine with Peter sleeping with his daughter... make up your mind, man! Evil Lucy covers for Peter and says Lauren wasn't drinking and other such lies to placate Max.

In a shocking twist, Tamwar seems vaguely relevant to a plot as he finds Lauren's bag. DUN DUN DUN!

Time for a face off between Max and Carl! Oh, that was anticlimactic.

Alice seems to have taken umbrage at Carl lying to her and demands whether she appears gullible and then they're best friends by the time he regales her with the tale of how he and Derek came to know one another. Then Joey comes in to menace Carl but Carl uses the old "You remind me of him." Which is pretty much his one weakness.

Poxy is stressing about not having  immediately gotten preggers... jeez, it hasn't even been a month!

In a scene that is unintentionally comic, Max and Tamwar have a conversation in which it takes both of them more than a full minute to recognise one another... Dohohoh. This combined with Joey talking allows the dim duo of Tanya and Max to work out that Lauren was drinking and is missing.

Carl and Kat are now having lunch together... good grief, she's yo-yoing a lot!

Evil Lucy and Peter hide from the dim duo but eventually relent. Then it's all Peter's fault for some reason. If only Lauren had a family that cared about her, all of this could have been avoided but that's the beauty of Brannings - you're never short of 'em.

Max seems to be having mood swings because he goes from marching Lucy to the police station to "it'll all be fine in under a minute"... Careful Max, if you go much faster you'll get whiplash and watching this - or possibly the fact she's faking a pregnancy and her criminal ex has just reappeared - has driven her to drink. Which Max immediately smells on her - that would have been a good opportunity to come clean or at least lie and say you had a miscarriage.

Kirstie goes to the Vic to have Kat not just repeat the advice she has been giving her from the get go but out-and-out say that she's told Kirstie this plenty. Then Carl goes to have a little chat with her and gives her a creepy stalkeresque line...

Tanya is trying to cover up Lauren's drunken disappearance but that doesn't work. She really didn't need to bother telling Abi about it though because no sooner has she confessed she's ignorant as to the whereabouts of her daughter than a severely jaundiced Lauren appears... yes from alabaster white to jaundice yellow. At least Jacknocchio has the sense to suggest an ambulance but Lauren doesn't need that - SHE NEEDS A DRINK! Then she starts suffering  from the kind of vague and nebulous symptoms of most soap ailments.

Assuming this is alcohol withdrawal a number of questions need to be asked - first of all, how come she's having a serious adverse reaction NOW but didn't on the other occasions? While it is the case that attempted withdrawal can lead to an effect known as kindling wherein subsequent withdrawals become worse, there was no real indication the past few days when she hadn't been drinking were serious. More obviously - the symptoms Lauren is experiencing don't really bear any resemblance to actual alcohol withdrawal and most important of all... she seems barely capable of standing as she walks through the door... how did she manage to get home if she's apparently suffering periodic bouts of pain that render her unable to stand, let alone walk?

Friday 21st June 2013

Lauren tells her mother that Peter has asked her out, at which point Joey walks in.

Looks like Carl has washed up at the B&B.

Ian makes some very suspicious inquiries about Carl to Bianca but naturally, doesn't tell her anything.

Kat tells Michael she's not best pleased at him playing father after two years and she's going to tell Alfie!

Just as well Michael distracted Kat because Alfie and Poxy are getting down to baby making.

CAVEMAN MAX NO LIKE BEALE BOY! Jeez, give it a rest Max.

Carl comes back to talk to Bianca, who plays twenty questions but he obviously decides he'll get his story straight and they'll talk over coffee.

The sloping brow of caveman Max darkens the shop, where he happens to run into Peter and immediately tells her not to give Lauren a drink or... HE'LL COME AFTER 'IM!

Lauren - still looking like a member of the living dead - is ready for her date. What could go wrong?!

Peter asks Evil Lucy why she didn't mention Lauren's crippling alcoholism and Evil Lucy seems worryingly interested in this date happening - also while

Carl's web of lies begins to be spun, prompting her to spill the story of Ian's rags to riches... which seems to appeal to Carl.

Ian - being an invertebrate - tries to avoid Carl by getting Jean to handle the restaurant (apparently the kitchen AND front of house... why would he need to do that?) He doesn't think that the guy will be able to track him down?

Michael tells Alfie that he told Tommy about his true parentage... Alfie takes it pretty poorly, given that Tommy probably won't remember any of it.

The idiotic Kim tries to put the moves on Sam, oblivious to his indifference as he and Ava flirt by text.

Another sign of the apocalypse - Poxy talking sense, when she points out that Tommy was going to have to find out that Alfie wasn't his biological father at SOME point.

Lauren is getting a little antsy about her date but a quick team chat from her mother and then new head Peter is there. He seems blown away, despite her being so pale.

Turns out that Kirstie knows Carl! DUN DUN DUN!

Joey and Evil Lucy decide on a date because if an alcoholic like Lauren can go on a date, then so can they... and then two people walk into the chippy as Evil Lucy leaves it unattended... They'll be waiting a while.

Ian peers out from the kitchen and as soon as he opens the door, there's Carl... apparently carrying on the charade that Derek is coming to dinner with him. One has to wonder why Ian said he didn't know Derek... although, in fairness - he was clearly just making things up as he went along, so it's not a big deal.

The Alfie and Michael confrontation is hilarious. Michael seems to positively reveling in the villainous role.

Lauren and Peter do some flirting but guess who walks in? EVIL LUCY! Which immediately prompts Lauren to order some drinks... and Peter doesn't have a cross word to say.

The polite menacing of Carl continues as Ian does his best bad lying face. He wants Ian's blood!

Lauren the consummate alcoholic - is apparently drunk after one vodka lemonade. She immediately concludes that Peter knows about her drinking because of Lucy and then threatens to leave if he doesn't tell her... and then finds out that this whole thing happened at the behest of her parents to distract her from alcohol.

Alfie tells his babbling toddler (or should that be Michael's?) that Michael is his real father... Alfie seems more upset than Tommy. Quelle surprise.

Carl's polite menacing concludes when Ian admits to taking the money and Carl says that he'll be paying him five hundred pounds for the foreseeable future... Should have poisoned his food when you had the chance!

Lauren strops off from her date with Peter... oh, what a surprise!

Kat establishes from Kirstie that Carl is bad news... for some reason  Bianca feels the need to question Kirstie's judgement but that's silenced when she confesses to being engaged to him.

Alfie is still moping about telling Tommy.

Lauren turns up to the club drunk... with people she doesn't know...  who cares.

Sam and Ava sneak into the club but almost get caught by Kim... fortunately, they don't call her Dim Kim for nothing and Sam outwits her.

Carl sees Kirstie and Max and tells them he's "settling in". DUN DUN DUN!

And the cliffhanger is Lauren MAYBE getting into a taxi and dropping her bag. GRIPPING!

Thursday 20th June 2013

Bianca comes downstairs to find Morgan has reappeared to make the sink overflow.

Ian is being suspiciously nice to new head Peter... DUN DUN DUN!

Michael is getting ready to try and see his daughter and seems strangely polite to an enquiring Kat.

Ava and Sam have a run in at the cafffffffff... well, he walks in and she walks out, so they can discuss their torrid affair in the privacy of the outside but while Ava swoons at the notion of food from the caffffffff, the appearance of Dexter puts her right off.

The fasted plumber in the west has arrived minutes after the sink was blocked... and seriously, they'd calling a plumber for a blocked sink? Turns out Kat thinks the celerity of this plumber is a big turn on and she sets her skankiness to maximum. Oh and despite the genetic impossibility of it - it seems Morgan has inherited Ricky's brains. Unlucky.

Lauren - still looking like a corpse - seems a little uncomfortable as Kirstie dotes on her... really, it should be Kirstie that's uncomfortable given that by the look of her hair she was attacked by a flamboyant lion and she's wearing hula hoops on her ears.

Kat and Bianca discuss the Michael situation when someone comes a knocking - it's the plumber! THE REAL PLUMBER... Eastenders could really do with dramatic "DUN DUN DUN" sound effects, or possibly some kind of sting to indicate the horror but as it turns out this was just a friend of Derek, who was having a bit of a laugh... also, what a coincidence!

Dexter has to have his father's money (an advance for the car) forced on him... He's certainly stubborn.

Dexter's old acquaintance regales Bianca with tales of Derek while Kat snipes from the sidelines, it seems she has gone right off this character and if you like your storylines telegraphed this just in - this guy is a crook, looking for Derek's secret stash and naturally, Bianca is more than happy to help him on his way... and this, Ian - is why, when you find a box full of money that you know belonged to a dodgy character... YOU NEVER TELL ANYONE. You take the money, burn everything in it and put it out for the binmen just as they're coming down the street. Even Kat realises Bianca is being an idiot.

Count Moonula starts skulking around the hospital...

Derek's "friend" appears to talk to Alice - and just to prove he's up to no good, despite having said he knew her, clearly doesn't. DUN DUN DUN!

Caveman Max no want Lauren date Beale boy! Which is a problem because Tanya thinks that dating is just the tonic to cure her alcoholism... Not an intervention, not counselling, not AA or some variation thereof... not any kind of structured professional help of any kind. No dating. GENIUS!

If it wasn't obvious enough already, Derek's old friend excuses himself to the bathroom but that's just so that he can rifle through drawers and then Alice - upon finding him in her father's old room - spills the story about the box by way of Carol by way of Ian. DUN DUN DUN!

Finally, Michael kicks off at the hospital but manages to restrain himself.

Ian tries to teach Peter the placing of silverware but he's clearly in a bit of a mood and strops off after not knowing which one is a dessert spoon is. You're not fooling anyone, Peter. He runs outside and bumps into Tanya and they're on for a date!

Sam announces that after last night he is no longer leaving because last night was too amazing and then slinks off while Ava looks like the cat that got the cream.

Kat is channeling her inner Columbo - although as this is Walford, Inspector Clouseau would probably be more appropriate - as she sleuths her way through the mystery of Derek's friend Carl... by explaining to Bianca that Alice hadn't seen him before, despite his claims to the contrary. It's always good to have characters telling us what we already know!

Caveman Max is still against Peter seeing Lauren, when Tanya makes the most hilarious statement ever - Max is working all the time and she's busy with the salon. Ah, right - that'll explain why you've spent your morning planning a date for your alcoholic daughter because you're both SOOOOO busy working.

It would seem that "Carl" has now discerned the location of Ian... DUN DUN DUN!

Peter turns up to try and woo Lauren but she has decided (or somehow knows) that he is still a love sick puppy and shoos him away.

Michael - having clearly given up on his daughter - decides to inform Tommy of his true parentage. Much to Kat's shock. Given the fact he's expressed no interest thus far, it is a shock...

And so it begins, the menacing of Ian by Carl. Ian tries to pretend he doesn't know Derek but that doesn't work... although, when you think about it - going to eat at the restaurant of a man who you're trying to intimidate doesn't seem that clever. What's to say he doesn't up the gumption to poison you? Although, perhaps he has clocked that Ian was born without a backbone...

Tuesday 18th June 2013

Dexter seems pretty chipper about the prospect of his father disappearing.

Could it be that Max has realised Lauren is an alcoholic? His denial didn't last long.

Derek's two unspeakably bland children have a bland conversation.

Phil tells Dexter that his father seems nice, to whit Dexter says he didn't know him and in acknowledgement of Eastenders doing its bit for the environment, Jay reminds him that they've already had this conversation. Remembers to recycle!

Michael is still catatonic...

Sam and Ava have another conversation - because they're all chummy now - where he moans about how Dexter doesn't like him. Wow, it's almost as walking out on your kids can have negative consequences!

Abi has somehow managed to discern that things are bad for Lauren... with a brain like that, those exams will be a breeze. Then due to narrative contrivance, she ends up  showing a French vicar around Walford... are there a lot of Anglicans in France?

Ava and Tanya talk about nothing of consequence in the caffffffffffff. Does Ava need to be told that describing Tanya's family like as a train wreck would  be an optimistic assessment?

Bizarro Dot is back because despite Abi's protestations that she has to revise - because that's her entire life now, every waking second of it  - she pretty much pushes Abi and "Albert" out the door to enjoy the sights of Walford...  presumably this is so that when he goes to Africa, he'll realise it's paradise combined to the grim reality of London's deadliest slum.

Max gives Lauren a bit of a hug when she finds a bottle of his favourite win in the bin. Goodness... no shouting? What is this?!

Alice looks at the picture of her father - DUN DUN DUN!

To punish Michael, Kat has brought around Alfie. Which is sufficient to break his catatonic state.

Max - the master of subtlety - having had a bit of a touching moment with his daughter, crashes straight back to the sloping foreheaded idiot he is  most of the time to just straight out tell her he'd like to take her to a support group after they've had some pizza. Smooth. Real smooth.

"Albert" is apparently intellectually orders of magnitude greater than anyone else in Walford as all of thirty seconds and he has already made comment on what a terrible place it is and how desperately it needs god... If it needed divine intervention, it would probably be better that it was more along the lines of Sodom and Gomorrah. 

Turns out Max has lost his daughter. Oops!

Michael looks as if he's about to go stab crazy, sitting with the insufferable Alfie and Kat. They appear surprised when he gets up and leaves but he just wants to ask Alice about Scarlet's first birthday.

Apparently, "Albert" truly is a man of the cloth because he's French but risks a sausage roll...

Dexter is not best pleased that the car (that he broke) won't be fixed for two weeks, meaning his father will be around for two more weeks but this prompts Phil to give him a peptalk. What has gotten into Phil? Seems like despite not having Lexi, he's still in full on mother goose mode.

Alice turns up to tell Michael that Scarlet has an appointment booked at the hospital tomorrow morning - DUN DUN DUN!

Dexter tells his father about the car situation but makes it clear that a reconciliation isn't going to happen, which in turn prompts Sam to give Ava a dramatic "But there's a few things you should know..." DUN DUN DUN!

Alice has started to make amends for her thieving ways by returning Pat's earrings to Tiffany.

Apparently "Albert" has learned the lesson of listening... which leads Dot to suggest to Abi that's a lesson she needs to take to heart when it comes to Lauren.

So, Sam's dramatic confession - he never stopped loving Ava... except the fact they clearly still loved one another was telegraphed from their first meeting - an oblivious Dexter proposes a toast to the fourteen days before his deadbeat dad is gone, unaware that ol' dad is putting the moves on Ava and doing pretty well.

Carol has a little chitchat with Lauren and because she's related to Max - instantly uses a sledge hammer to crack a walnut by immediately going on about her dead son. She then runs outside (seems like she can't let a conversation finish without a speedy exit) and then runs into the arms of her parents and confessing she doesn't want to stop and indeed, can't.

A chipper Dexter walks home and has a friendly bit of banter with his mother before Sam appears from her bedroom. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Monday 17th June 2013

Max remains apparently unconcerned with his daughter's alcoholism... can he really have forgotten again already?

Abi fell asleep revising for exams... because that's apparently become her only distinguishing feature of late. Revising.

Bianca - being a cash strapped single mother living below the poverty line - is looking to get that notoriously cheap thing, a private detective to track down dear old dad... but Carol is being a bit of a misery guts about it.

Alice is suspicious of why Joey is being nice to her and then it comes out that Joey "had words", his fists must be syllables then. Alice is not best pleased.

Tanya goes to see Lauren at her new digs - seems as if she's taking another day off work to... watch Abi revise, maybe? Anyway, Kirstie doesn't let her in and just as well because Lauren isn't overly keen on talking to her mother... who can blame her? To say Tanya is running hot and cold would be like saying Sharon is a terrible person - a massive understatement.

Brace yourself for a shock... COMMON SENSE! Kirstie suggests calling a doctor - that's bonkers! At least Lauren thinks so.

Generic exchange between Ava and Sam - well, OK. Not generic, they use their inside voices.

Bianca goes to confront Ian about the letter and he stumbles through a bad lie before she threatens to tell her mum! No, seriously.

Joey decides that having been an idiot and BEING an idiot, the best thing is to go and get Pointless Poppy to sort out Alice... what does it say about you when you think of the empty headed Poppy as your

Max continues to appear utterly indifferent and/or oblivious to Lauren's alcoholism despite having discovered it for the third time (at least) less than a week ago. Or perhaps he just has a lot on his mind because he's somehow able to make the front door of his house sound like a car door! Then Kirstie says he needs to see Lauren - ah, well - we should remember that in lieu of a doctor Max is your next best bet. Able to cure his brother's paralysis and able to diagnose Phil's ailments after falling down into the inspection pit at a glance!

Ian confronts Lucy, thinking she gave Bianca the letter - which Lucy denies and then points out that they'll probably be wondering what else was in the box... It's almost as if he should have disposed of all that incriminating evidence. Although, why they would suspect there was money in it isn't something Lucy ventures to explain.

Lauren is clearly going into alcohol withdrawal but even though Kirstie against insists on calling a doctor, Max (self-proclaimed father of the decade mere minutes ago) is more concerned about Kirstie picking out nursery things than his clearly poorly alcoholic daughter.

Alice goes to see Pointless Poppy and within the blink of an eye, she has rumbled that Joey is responsible  for this state of affairs. Which prompts her to run off, do some thieving, get confronted by Bianca about it before running off when Joey appears.

As Joey has the brains and personality of a glass of water, he pursues Alice to try and use his lack of charm and personality to fix the problem. Which works about as well as using petrol to put out a fire... to prove this, Alice shows him the three or four pounds worth of tat she has stolen. Cue tearful confession to Joey, complete with running mascara. Joey - perhaps living up to his counterpart in Friends - reacts by mentally trying to calculate the square root of five thousand, three hundred and ninety one.

Ian - in the most suspicious manner possible - hands over Derek's stash, not even really offering a plausible explanation as to why he took so long to do so and then Bianca finds a phone number! DUN DUN DUN!

After Max and Tanya wish Abi well in her exams but Max has to break the news that Lauren doesn't want to come back...

Kirstie suggests a doctor for the third time and then implores Lauren to seek help, citing her own personal  experience and Max's extreme idiocy as a reason to try and sort herself out now.

Another scene between Sam and Dexter... yawn.

Count Moonula rises from the crypt but seems to have catatonic.

Joey tries his very best to have a personality but he fails.

Max the idiot despite having hit the trifecta on discovering his own daughter's alcoholism is apparently back to a river in Egypt and let's not forget, this is the incoherent caveman whose first reaction to Lauren potentially having a drinking problem (well, the first time they discovered it) was to march her down to the GP and demand they scare Lauren straight.

Friday 14th June 2013

Is Lauren incapable of sleeping in her own bed? She's forever sleeping on the sofa... If she can stumble up the steps to her house, surely she can go a few more to her own bed?

Count Moonula is still ignoring Alice.

Peter is still trying to mend the wounds but Evil Lucy is more interested in the letter she randomly found while rifling through her father's possessions.

Max comes round to see Tanya and what a shocker - shouting ensues. Oh and Tanya remembers she has more than one child - shame it's Abi she recalled and not the one that needs actual attention... Oscar is probably already in an advanced state of decay. RIP Oscar.

Goodness, it seems as if someone remembered Billie died of alcohol poisoning... and as it's Bianca who mentions it, she's very casual about the untimely death of her half-brother only a few short years ago. No reason that would be mentioned in anything other than a passing manner.

Abi is studying at Dot's to avoid the drama but Tanya comes looking for her... after all, it's too late for Oscar now. How long are Abi's exams going on for? She seems to have been doing them for months!

Half-Day Alice makes the mistake of asking Kat for romantic advice, when she inadvertently finds out that it was Michael that Alice slept with!

The pressure is mounting on the world's worst human Sharon... where could this be going? Wouldn't it be a surprise if stress drove Sharon to go back to her pill popping ways.

It seems as if Tanya is still of the opinion that a bit of TLC can solve her daughter's alcoholism... she's stupid that way. Oh and it turns out Oscar isn't dead but he needs picking up. DUN DUN DUN!

King Phil goes around to the club to tell Sharon she's a mess and isn't up to organising a fundraiser, then says he's trying to help her - immediately leading Sharon to anger.

Evil Lucy shows Peter the letter - which she uses as an example of how Ian is bad! Then why didn't she give the letter to Misery Guts Carol?

Lauren tells Abi that even if she does well in her exams, she won't be able to swan off into the sunset.

Sharon goes to apologise to Dot for not being able to organise the fundraiser and shockingly, remembers her son! Dot's sagacious advice is to run away. That's a GREAT coping strategy!

Finally, it seems as if Lauren is actually suffering from alcohol withdrawal and this time we actually get to see her hands shake, rather than just have someone tell us her hands are shaking... and of course, this comes when Abi has run off and the front door beckons... isn't that convienent.

Ian and Evil Lucy play "He said, She said" about the letter but Peter is sticking to his policy of uniting the family and he won't pick a side!

Michael spends some time with the eternally mute Amy - that's downright eerie. Also, since when did Jack give a damn about his kids?

The Lips gives Tanya a peptalk about Lauren but it goes down about as well as a lead balloon.

Having taken Dot's advice to heart five minutes ago, Sharon is ready to head off for two weeks... Let's hope the school term is over otherwise she's going to get in trouble with the head teacher... actually, given that's Ava, it's unlikely she has been to work, so she's probably fine.

Abi returns to find Lauren gone! DUN DUN DUN! She's in the shop with a bag! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN! Oh and Max totally buys that she's just getting snacks... because he's kind of an idiot. Oh and he offers to have her live with him and The Lips... has he forgotten she's an alcoholic? Oh and it was alcohol she bought - what a shocker.

Off Sharon goes... just as well King Phil can't tell her what to do!

Lauren has managed to get drunk in the time it takes to walk from the shop back home and Abi immediately knows this. Shouting ensues and then Abi pours away the precious booze, which prompts Lauren to push her out the kitchen and lock herself in and then emit something more akin to some kind of sonic attack.

Michael clearly feeling in need of a beating tells Joey he slept with Alice but he only gets punched once for his trouble and professes his disappointment.

Peter gives the letter from Dr. Holby to Bianca.

Lauren apparently decided the best course of action was to destroy Abi's notes and then there's shouting. Lots and lots of shouting become in Eastenders, volume correlates directly with drama... and the heart warming ending isn't Tanya realising that she's an idiot and that her daughter requires professional help... No, she throws Lauren out on the street and says she's Max's problem. That deserves a slow clap for its breath taking lack of common sense, intellect AND basic human decency.

Thursday 13th June 2013

Tanya starts the day doing what she should have done before - checking for Lauren's hidden booze.

Half-Day Alicce is like a puppy after having had sex with Michael, who looks utterly indifferent.

Dexter and his dad bump into one another - nothing new.

Lauren moans about her imprisonment - it doesn't occur to her that she's being held against her will?

Turns out Dexter's dad is working just across from Dexter!

Misery Guts Carol gets advice on the menopause from Dot, who then talks to King Phil about the charity fundraiser - he is suitably nonplussed as he didn't give his blessing.

Alice has to tell Pointless Poppy about having sex with Michael - PP doesn't seem particularly supportive. Shockingly, she actually points out Michael might have been using her but there are none so blind as those who will not see.

Phil goes to express his displeasure to Sharon and she's as snippy as you'd expect someone to be with their boss.

Evil Lucy is clearly setting her sights on Ian as she experiences some cash flow problems of her own due to Ian's thieving... no word on how he's going to manage to cover his outgoings while the restaurant takes off but presumably ignoring it will sort it out.

Tanya decides to not let Max help... also, it appears where Lauren lives is not down to her but rather her parents... old enough to buy alcohol but apparently the property of her parents, eh?

Alice clearly thinks - despite all signs to the contrary - her and Michael are a thing and asks Kat to make herself scarce and dohohoh, she makes a joke about Michael walking in on her!

It seems it's Evil Lucy's turn to go through the long lost lockbox looking over the letter from Doctor Holby and also more pointless sniping amongst the Beale family.

Dot and the vicar up the pressure on Sharon for their young Christian bash

Hey, remember when Ava had a job? No, no one does - especially Ava who is swanning around having a shouting match with Dexter.

Lauren begs for booze from Twitney from her window... if she was going to go into withdrawal - surely it would have started by now? Although, that would explain her appearance.

Meanwhile, Cora knocks back booze at the bar and bemoans the evils of booze. If only the Crayon Crew understood irony.

It would appear that Lauren going into withdrawal has imbued her with telekinesis as she stands next to the table WITHOUT EVEN TOUCHING IT she somehow propels the tea her mother has just put down out of the mug and onto Abi's arm... spooky but then superpowers do tend to manifest themselves under stress.

Ava and Sam to-and-fro again.

Tanya and Abi lament Lauren's withdrawal - if only they could have done this is some kind of controlled manner, possibly with a medical profession to help ease the symptoms, ONE OF WHICH IS POTENTIALLY DEATH but yes, clearly that's just crazy talk... after all, it's the Walford way - with such poster boys as Nick Cotton and Phil Mitchell.

Evil Lucy laments her father lauding her brother and also brings up the topic of Bianca's father aka Doctor Holby. FORESHADOWING!

Misery Guts Carol finally tells Masood she's going through the menopause and... he's totally fine with it.

Lauren tries a jailbreak but as her mother is all of five paces away it doesn't work.

Dexter gets logick'd when he says Lola doesn't know his father and then both she and Jay point out that neither does he.

Sharon seems to have forgotten that she's employed by Phil - share owner or not - because she says he can't tell her what to do... He can. He's your boss.

Masood and Carol talk about being old - wow, people over forty having relationships! DOHOHOH!

Michael tells Alice what everyone knew except her - he was just having sex with her and love had nothing to do with it.

A heart stopping finale as Lauren risks the two or three metre fall from a first floor window, risking injuries as serious as maybe a sprained ankle or nasty bit of bruising. Naturally everyone acts as if she's about to fall off the top of Big Ben but fortunately, Max is on hand to help Lauren down to end her thirty second long ordeal at three thousand millimetres!

To cap it all off, Lauren screams and runs off while everyone looks a little baffled.