Tuesday 11th June 2013

Count Moonula is sulking because he doesn't know where Scarlet is - months without any discernible emotion and now he's king of the emos. Showing Alice is really stupid, Pointless Poppy then gives her advice which is actually good - Michael is no good for her.

Cora continues to be sensible by telling Tanya that she needs to learn about Lauren's affliction.

Masood is angsting about his relationship with Carol... who cares.

New head Peter continues his crusade to fix the Beale family.

Lauren has discovered that is now under house arrest but this is just so she can prove to her dear mother that she can go a few days without booze.

Carol's nebulous health issues continue...

Dot - having bellyached about getting the position of church warden - is now bellyaching about having the position. Sharon then suggests a charity night at the R&R.

Count Moonula conducts a phone conversation with  his solicitor entirely via the medium of shouting.

Evil Lucy tells Peter about Lauren stealing Joey and being an alcoholic.

Even the brain impaired Max seems to think that locking up Lauren is a bad idea but Tanya is saying that Lauren didn't go into alcohol withdrawal - oh, well that's a relief given that one of the side effects of that CAN BE DEATH!

Carol's mysterious medical issues... MENOPAUSE. Which she would obviously have to keep top secret because... uh... if people just said things, Eastenders episodes would be about five minutes long. Which would be a good thing.

Ian is inexplicably buying sugar for the restaurant at the corner shop... and is using one of his alternate personalities... and Peter comes along to say yah, like Lucy totally isn't listening which reminds him of this one time on his gap year...

Sharon asks Phil if they can do a charity night in the club and he says no, prompting Shirley to give her usual Phil related advice... really though, all Sharon needs to do is wait for one of his characteristic changes of heart.

Count Moonula is upset by the impotence of the law to help him with Scarlet.

Misery Guts Carol has decided to revisit the misery of Doctor Holby.

Evil Lucy thinks Peter is against her - not reinforced by him working at the restaurant.

Saint Alfie has decided to start collecting for the church... despite the fact no one goes there. Everyone seems pretty indifferent.

Despite having told Bianca, Carol has to keep her menopause a state secret.

Alice won't take a hint and tries to put the moves on Michael and gets rejected.

Peter and Lauren have a heart to heart but then Tanya bursts in and then Lauren reveals she was drinking vodka all day because her mother is an idiot. To prove this, she goes "SHE'S AN ALCOHOLIC!" to her mother. Wow, she's slow.

And Michael is going to have sex with Half-Day Alice for some reason. Just to make it more cliched - she's a virgin.

Monday 10th June 2013

So, new head Peter is now making breakfast and his father is enquiring as to what he did for the huge amount of time that has passed... what and they didn't have a single phonecall, e-mail, letter or some other form of communication at ALL?! Yeah, what a tight family - a loving son that doesn't even bother coming back when his father had a trampoid meltdown...

Dot is still fretting about  her reputation when the vicar comes a calling.

Count Moonula is accusing Alice for Janine leaving with his daughter.

It apparently took all weekend to remove less than a dozen bottles from Lauren's room - shouting ensues. What a surprise, eh? Arbitrary blame allocation ensues between Max and Tanya. Yawn.

Peter goes to the cafffffffffffffffff and it turns out that it wasn't just his family he had a communication embargo with... good grief, political prisoners in solitary confinement in China talk to more people than Peter did while he was in Devon! A monk on a vow of silence might have more successfully communicated... anyway, much as Ian did - Arffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffur immediately assumes there was a girl.

Oh and Peter is insisting that it wasn't Ian's fault and runs up against the overwhelming blandness of Joey. DUN DUN DUN!

Dot gets her hopes up about the church warden position but nope, that's not happening... Good grief - why do we have to keep focusing on this dull as dishwater subplot?

Cora makes the shocking step of suggesting professional help for Lauren - which Tanya irrationally rejects for no reason and decides the best thing to do is CRACK DOWN.

Peter is trying to find out the state of play between his sister and father and consults Dot... who doesn't have much in the way of helpful advice to offer... no change there then and so Peter goes off on his merry way, knowing no more than he did to begin with.

Jay moans to Dexter about his selfishness.

Lauren pretends she's on the path to recovery - and inexplicably expresses surprise that her mother isn't at work...

Arffuuuuuuuuuur has apparently decided to start calling Peter "Paedo"... no need for that, Arfffffffffffuuuuuuuuuur! People have been lynched for less. Poppy idly wonders how Ian Beale managed to have three such attractive children - the same casting agent as Hollyoaks, probably. No one seems to noticed that Peter seems to have become a rugger bugger either but people in Walford are notoriously stupid... but time was, they were also notoriously ugly. Times change... but they are all still morons.

Lauren turns up doing her video documentary thing - seriously, for a project? What's she training to do? Work for the BBC! DOHOHOHOH! - and as soon as she starts talking to Peter, Joey immediately seems jealous but then he has to go and sort out a problem at the cafffffffffffffffffff. How would he know what to do, given he's been away for years.

Peter tries to play peacemaker but Ian is ultimately unapologetic about taking the money - his to take he says... morally, perhaps but legally, no. This does highlight how Ian's personality does see to regularly just change radically. Sometimes he's old Ian, sometimes he's new Ian and occasionally he's just nothing like Ian at all - or BIZARRO IAN!

Lauren doesn't get much attention at the Vic and so flounces off, thieving some booze on her way out.

Dot and Sharon have a chitchat, where Dot goes on about the church warden position some more. Oh,  who  cares? Even worse, Sharon peers at Dot through her bad yellowish fringe, like some kind of filthy beggar woman - giving her a peptalk. That's a low ebb.

Count Moonula hugs Alice but it's just to thieve her keys!

Turns out Peter feels guilty about not being there for his dear old dad and now, he and Ian are going to get everything back from Evil Lucy!

After Abi's puppy eyes guilted him earlier, Dexter is now ready to take his father's money... shame he didn't have that revelation BEFORE smashing the car, really.

Lauren is drunk and takes it out on Dot but Dot is having none of it and just tells her to go home and apparently that's what the vicar needed to make her church warden. OK! Just shut up about that damned position already! It's enough to ferment religious intolerance in the most gentle soul.

Tanya is apologising to Abi (not for the first time) for ignoring her but then, Lauren has to roll in drunk (seriously, this girl can get drunk faster than most people can down a pint) and be objectionable. Amazingly though, she DOESN'T destroy the cake on the table... this will only serve to anger the gods!

Evil Lucy has discerned there is more to Peter's return than just sorting things out, also she's not over him sleeping with her best friend over a year and a half ago...

Alice arrives to find Michael going through Janine's stuff but he leaves without too much of a fuss.

Max warns Peter off his daughter - scary - but new head Peter seems more concerned about a mysterious phonecall!

Oh and having rejected out of hand the suggestion of something as ridiculously sensible as professional help, Tanya has decided to put Lauren under house arrest. An idea so original, we saw it just a few weeks ago with a mother - Bianca, who was at the end of her tether due to tearaway teen (Liam) that she had no other recourse but to imprison him!

Friday 7th June 2013

It's Ian's big day and everything is bustling at... whatever his restaurant is called. Let's hope nothing goes... HORRIBLY WRONG!

Lauren getting an unpaid waitressing position apparently warrants congratulation from both parents - who are BOTH going to the restaurant.

Count Moonula seems suspicious of Janine's sudden change of heart...

It seems Evil Lucy has finally found out about Ian's deception - perhaps if he hadn't been spending money like it was going out of fashion, this wouldn't have been an issue? - but as this is Eastenders, has yet to put the pieces together.

Ava is not happy about Dexter trashing the car - shouting ensues.

Talking of the car, Sam gets a refund for it - highlighting what an idiot Dexter is.

Despite being a sous chef, it seems as if Jean is actually the only person in the kitchen and she's gone a little mad woman, as she is oft want to do.

Boring Masood/Carol stuff!

Jay is none too happy with Dexter about their current predicament.

Ian seems to be rather schizophrenic about the opening... moments after telling Jean to use slices to save money, he's apparently hired a VIOLINIST... couldn't they just have played classical music? Evil Lucy lambasts his spendthrift ways but somehow this will "pay for itself"... perhaps it's best we call him Bizarro Beale?

Dexter argues with Jay about his father but jokes on him, Jay has the ultimate trump card - A DEAD DAD! GAME OVER!

Ian gives a limp wristed motivational speech and Ian Beale @ Le Square is finally open! It seems as if the guests have practiced some sort of synchronised arrival, as despite a total absence of people milling around outside as soon as they let people in, the place fills up in under a minute... was there some kind of extra-dimensional waiting room?

Oh and it turns out that Lister - the much maligned market inspector - is disliked by Kim, was a regular of the whore at her B&B and is the friend of the investor that Ian needs to impress... and as it turns out, that investor is none other than the Hollyoaks refugee that fleeced Sayeed. DUN DUN DUN!

New head Bobby is doing his best to be working class - despite fitting into Walford about as well square peg into a round hole - but the exact reason for this is not explained... and then Janine and her entourage appear.

Ohoh, what's this? Jean is in the kitchen and is getting confused - this isn't going to end well, quite possibly she'll be locked in an attic before the night is over. What's more perplexing is that she SEEMS to be preparing meals but no one is actually sitting down and ordering food - they're just kind of milling and snacking. This isn't a service...

Evil Lucy is snarky to Janine which means she finds out Ian didn't get any extra money... how is she not putting this together?

Misery Guts Carol realises she's mutton dressed as lamb in the outfit that Masood got her.

Count Moonula appears and we see both Kim sneaking a drink (despite her sisters earlier insistence that she get cut off at one) and also Lauren. Then Ian goes into another limp wristed speech - where he naturally forgets to thank Jean who goes into the kitchen to sulk.

In what may well be the definition of a coup d'etat - it seems that somehow Janine has managed to have the sign changed and when it's unveiled it turns out that it's Scarlett's... DOHOHOHOHO! Naturally, he's not best pleased but then Janine tells him how things are going to be from now on. She also plays nice with Michael.

It seems our Hollyoaks refugee is now keen to make inroads with Janine - who seems to entertain the idea - but Masood is not best pleased at seeing him. The strangest thing is though, he's surprised to see Masood... yes because the last place you'd expect to see the guy is near where he lives...

Jean is getting near catatonic and it would appear the stress of working for five minutes has got Lauren just about paralytic and FINALLY someone notices, except Twitney doesn't actually DO anything despite the fact Lauren is trolleyed... nope, just watches her go out.

Brace yourself for the shocker of Lauren's comedy drunk act becoming immediately belligerent and then spilling a drink over Hollyoaks refugee. Oh but DOHOHO, turns out that he isn't even an investor! He advises people on investments - oh, says Ian maybe you can find people to invest... NOPE!

Having twirled her moustache for a sufficient period of time, she reveals she knew about Michael's game and may never return... making sure to thank Alice for the tip... Count Moonula assures Alice he'll destroy her if he doesn't see his daughter again. This just makes Alice seem really confused.

It seems as if Max and Tanya might have just finally worked out their daughter might have an alcohol problem... this is starting to feel like Groundhog Day... How many times have they worked this out only to take no action and forget? Five times now?

Evil Lucy finally confronts Ian about his thieving - which is pretty rich given the fact the only reason the caffffffffffff and the chippy are hers is because she emotionally blackmailed him into signing them over to her when he was an emotional wreck (well, more than he usually is - obviously). Fortunately, the Beale genetic uplift into the aristocracy continues as new head Peter appears sounding as if he's just back from his GAP YEAR!

Thursday 6th June 2013

The Snake, The Vicar and The Brothel... who exactly sold that story to the Walford Gazette?

Ian is back to thieving cheques from Evil Lucy.

Half-Day Alice moans about being Michael's pawn... if only she had a backbone.

Ava has rumbled that Sam bought the car - ONOES! It's just so hard to care.

Kim ponders to Shirley how they got the story as a journo wanders up to Shirley and asks about the brothel, assuming she's a whore... the profession does take its toll. Kim is won over by the silver tongued journo though...

Ava guilt trips Sam about buying the car... booooooooooring.

Shirley is walking around looking bemused - presumably because there is nary a deflating bald man in sight! Given that she's linked to this story and they're wondering who told the press, perhaps it's her? Wouldn't that be a shocker.

Kim pleads ignorance (hardly a stretch) to the journo before Dot bursts in to act like bizarro Dot. Also, the B&B is getting dirty calls and Patrick warns serious damage could be done to the business! That seems unlikely.

Pointless Poppy is struggling to understand basic concepts - which she doesn't even need to understand, she just needs to know what to say and then Ian uses the cheque to pay for fancy napkins. DUN DUN DUN!

Alice starts acting really weird before thieving from Janine and to Janine's credit, she rumbles her almost immediately. Which results in the tearful confession she was working for Michael.

Dexter starts getting antsy about the car for some reason but Jay has posted the registration documents.

Having admitted to being untrustworthy, Alice attempts to convince Janine that Scarlet needs both parents.

Evil Lucy finally gets around to asking Ian how he's managed to finance the restaurant because apparently Janine didn't give him much. Then Ian explains it was Derek's horde that financed it all, cleverly dodging any questions about how he's going to cover the running costs in the interim.

Shockingly, the scumbag journo who assured Kim he would tell "her side of the story" has instead made it seem as if she ruined Dot's chances of becoming church warden. Truly, a story that will shake the country!

Janine returns to tell Alice that she's right and Scarlet does need both parents but that she mustn't tell Michael, just get him to meet them at the restaurant opening. IT'S A TRAP!

His mother having spilled the beans about his father buying the car, Dexter does the only logical thing... he wrecks the car! Ruining not just his holiday but also Jay's, Abi's and Lola's... what a champ! Then  Ava and Sam turn up to look a little bored.

Tuesday 4th June 2013

Dot consoles Pointless Poppy about the death of the mouse.

Kim working at the B&B?! Oh, wait - she's failed. Quelle surprise.

Janine's business interest today is... *rolls dice* THE CLUB! Which is convenient because Phil has apparently ALSO taken an interest in it with a crude advertising promotion and has enlisted the help of Sharon (big mistake) to help... for some reason.

The revelation that there is a snake on the loose in Dot's house leads to immediate comedy hijinks as Dot acts as if she's dancing on a hot plate with ants down her pants... that can't be good for her at her age.

Janine's reservations about Phil's promotion appear to be that he's appealing to beer drinking lager louts - really more something for pubs than clubs, surely? She proceeds to wind him up and then he trundles off like a clockwork boiled egg to talk to Sharon.

Count Moonula turns up with a mission for Alice - basically to exploit what he perceives to be Janine's emotional vulnerability. No Mission: Impossible music though.

Masood returns and immediately starts going on about Carol. Yawn.

Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur apologises for unleashing a plague of snake on Dot's house and then suggests they move to the B&B - Walford's premiere conference venue... it's not clear whether she puts her heads in her hands to conceal guffaws of laughter or tears of despair though...

Pointless Poppy is doing her bit to set back women's rights by acting like a screaming damsel in distress at the sight of a snake. Although, both Jay and Dexter seem to be acting as if they're in some kind of creature feature rather than finding one teeny tiny snake...

As if this tedious subplot hadn't taken up enough time, Arffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuur has to redirect the vicar and speak his what-middle-aged-white-men-think-young-"urban-people-speak for a while, until Pointless Poppy appears shouting that it's an emergency. So, four people to take on this snake... and no one is dead yet.

Carol is being evasive of Masood. Part two but now he has come a knocking. Yawn.

That snake in the kitchen was just shedding - predictable.

Carol tells Masood it's not him, it's her - original.

Janine and Sharon scupper Phil's plan for "Getting Hammered" night. Oh dear.

Dot drama... please, just make it stop.

Wow, there is just a WHOLE lot of nothing in this episode.

Looks like Jay sold the car to Dexter's father... whoopee.

The Dot drama continues... Dot seems to think the Bible is an unalterable guideline to morality. Best not touch that one with a bargepole and so, moving on, Dot decides to proactively crusade for morality by calling whores - and this is after the masseuse that now works in Kim's phone has been discovered and turned on... can you guess where this is going?

Count Moonula pressures Alice some more.

Consternation abounds and it's sufficient to make it sound as if Kim is saying her lines later in a totally different place for the rest of the scene and then Dot reaches into her handbag and gets bitten by the snake, which falls to the floor... People are reacting more like it's a live hand grenade or a rabid bear than a snake that you barely see. It's not even clear if this is supposed to be funny or serious... it's just... bland. Like the rest of the episode, really.

Jay makes the mistake of telling Abi that Sam bought the car and compounds the error by stilted telling her "YOU MUST NEVER TELL HIM!" Begin the countdown.

Monday 3rd June 2013

Evil Lucy made breakfast but no one seems interested - maybe she'll be forced to EAT!

Count Moonula continues to put Alice through the ringer - no doubt this will lead to her collection of toilet brushes growing ever larger.

Lauren is apologising to people at the behest of her mother... what is this, the twelve step programme lite?

As expected, Ian's plan to turn a dirty old storage area into a fine dining experience in just under a month is running into more problems... and apparently he's getting publicity photos before it's anywhere NEAR finished... why?! Also, as it turns out Deadbeat Dad (Sam) is a master of all trades.

Speaking of which, Ava is clearly distracted by thoughts of his as Dexter natters on about his holiday.

Dot's church warden tedium GRINDS on.

Denise apparently doesn't understand the concept of a business and takes umbrage at Ian wanting to attract customers with money... isn't she supposed to be the smart one? Then Deadbeat Dad tells Denise there's no way that they'll be finished by Friday... WHAT A SHOCKER! Cue Denise roping Patrick and Kim in to help.

More stuff about da YOUFFFFFFF holiday - yawn.

Lauren tries to smooth things over with Evil Lucy - that was a waste of time.

Arfffffffffuuur is helping with dreary Dot drama which has somehow involved him getting new face Bobby's pet mouse that he has naturally stored in Dot's house, presumably for the purposes of comic effect.

Janine still has a picture of her with Scarlet and Michael, which the conflicted Alice finds it.

Lauren's apologising continues with her going to mope at Dot before finally getting round to actually saying sorry. Dot proves to be a little more receptive but then this is the same woman that took her drug addicted, thieving, lying son who tried to killer her back - so maybe not the hardest nut to crack.

Ian accepts help from Denise et al.

Half-Day Alice gets... A HALF-DAY!

Lauren gives saying sorry to Evil Lucy a second chance. It goes slightly better - unless you're judging from Evil Lucy's facial expressions in which case you'd think she was watching some particularly repugnant internet video.

Ava tells Sam that kissing him was a big mistake - which can mean but one thing - LOVE IS IN THE AIR!

Count Moonula spies Janine with Scarlet, doing another in her interminable "Janine is a bad mother" series. Turning into a mist, Count Moonula disappears before Janine can see him and then immediately calls Alice who walks into the salon for a bit of relaxing pilfering and then confesses to it but Pointless Poppy but she's just too dim to get it.

Lauren apologises to Twitney and decides the best way to repent for her sins is to help on opening night at Ian's restaurant FOR FREE!

More car hijinks! This time, Abi thinks the car has lots of bids but... it hasn't. In fact, it has none.

Dohoho, looks like the photographer turned up early - what a surprise! His level of surprise at the shambles he sees is... entirely realistic but because this is Eastenders all it takes to stop him walking out the door is a slightly sinister wink from Patrick.

Ian is bobbing and weaving across the Square to get food from the cafffffffffff - because what says fine dining like something from a greasy spoon? We also Alice casually doing some more thieving as she walks through the market at the same time, not even TRYING to conceal her actions.

Back at whatever Ian's restaurant is called, he begins trying to craft the meal he just purloined from the caffffff into something suitable for the two or three citizens of Walford who wouldn't be content to gorge their cavernous maws in a giant food trough and naturally, everything is ALRIGHT ON THE NIGHT! Also, foreshadowing of the long lost Peter to return - with a new head... does Ian get some kind of reward points if his children change faces?

Oh no, Bobby's pet mouse is dead! But actually, no - Arffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuur is an idiot and Monty is actually a pet snake who has now escaped because of Pointless Poppy's idiocy... if they ever have a child, it will surely be a weaponised form of stupidity.

And Alice tells Michael that Janine still loves him... based on her keeping one photo.

Friday 31st May 2013

Tanya has a strange exchange with Max about their relationship with the kids, which seems weird and awkward.

Lauren has been hanging out in the Vic since her rampage when approximately ten seconds later the busies turn up to arrest her. Lauren's generic tantrum starts as they drag her off... What Walford PD lack in competence, they made up for in speed, eh?

Alice clearly feel bad about going being Janine's back with Scarlet - dun dun dun!

Abi runs over to tell her mother about Lauren's arrest - her plan has been working out so well! Oh and don't tell Max!

Ava has an awkward moment of "bonding" with Dexter which is spoilt by the spectre of Deadbeat Dad.

Ohoh, Tanya's genius plan to keep Max in the dark has gone tits up when The Lips tells him all about it.

Down at the cop shop, Tanya demands to see her daughter but what with Lauren being an adult she doesn't have a right to do so.

Count Moonula's demands are getting more... demanding. Apparently he wants to see his daughter every day now. You'd think the fact that they meet in the Vic and the park would mean they'd get rumbled in days...

Misery Guts Carol seems in an uncharacteristically good mood - this can only mean the clouds oh dour are gatherin'...

Max arrives at the police station and immediately starts having a go at Tanya - a shouting match in a police station, GENIUS! Things are only broken up by the timely intercession of an uncharacteristically assertive Abi.

Sharon gets some unexpected help from Shirley, actually given her current issue is with Phil - it's not really unexpected as Shirley seems to exist purely to involve herself in Phil-centric storylines these days.

Ian, Lucy and Joey turn up to the police station with Ian back to his original joyless penny pinching incarnation, wanting to charge Lucy... with Max of course making of a fairly serious assault and criminal damage. Then right next to the duty officer he announces he wants to have a word with Lucy because THAT isn't a serious criminal offence!

Half-Day Alice's guilt builds as Janine gives her a gift certificate for Booty's!

Misery Guts Carol's good mood has apparently evaporate like thin spittal off a hot stove.

Abi asks Tanya why she won't let Max help probably because he's an idiot?

Sharon tells Shirley a pack of lies about how she lives with her mistakes (sure you do).

Half-Day Alice attempts to break off her arrangement with Count Moonula but he uses his vampiric hypnotism on her. It's super effective.

Ava confesses to Cora that she told Deadbeat Dad to leave but then almost kissed him - that might be what we call a mixed signal. Cora settles on the profound advice of telling her daughter to either give Sam another chance or tell him to go. Wise words.

Max does some none too subtle witness tampering where else but right outside the police station!

Carol makes an appoint with the doctor DUN DUN DUN!

Shirley does her generic "Phil bad" rant to Sharon.

Max announces his witness tampering IN the police station but then Joey suddenly blurts out to Lucy that she provoked Lauren and then they both decide that they're not going to press charges... oh and despite half the Square seeing this, they were THE ONLY WITNESSES! GRITTY REALISM! I guess CCTV hasn't quite made it into the medieval borough of Walford.

Klepto-Alice adds some more thieved goods to her magpies nest.

Ava tells Sam to sling his hook which leads to them kissing.

Lauren gets off with a Caution... oops. She really shouldn't have accepted that without legal advice as they can have serious implications for international travel and certain professional field.