Carol is reacting surprisingly blasé to Liam having his collar felt... Bianca is still fuming but doesn't bother telling him that continuing his truanting will send her back to jail. Ray - having remembered Morgan is his son and that he moved to Walford exclusively for the purposes of actually SEEING him - is on hand to give Liam a talking to. Man-to-man! One "you're not my father" later and they're done.
Kat remarks in response to Liam acting up that with all the stuff Tommi has been through, he'll probably be a nightmare... if Kat is saying that, one can only imagine they'll have to nuke Walford from orbit... although, that's probably a desirable course of action right now anyway.
Somehow Bianca secures better stock but these good fortunes are predictably ruined when she receives a phonecall about Liam truanting. This prompts Shirley to describe her attempts to find her son and address this issue as something that would put her in the running for mother of the year... Without a hint of irony. OK, Shirley prefaced this by saying she wasn't the best mother in the world but seriously?
Anyway, Bianca has to explain she could lose the kids and go back to prison if this tomfoolery continues. Cue tearful breakdown... but quite why having your children in care (shh, is that the jack boots of ZE SOCIAL?!) is the only reason you can be angry that they're truanting is beyond comprehension... Do the Crayon Crew really have such a dim view of the working classes? What a silly question - OF COURSE THEY DO! The patronising middle class contempt oozes forth in every poorly formed sentence and chicken nugget.
Bianca is apparently suffering PTSD from her time in jail. Anything that would make you long to be back in Walford must be a cruel and unusual punishment... Liam reappears and does a very teenage "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!" moan to Shirley, who tells him to go home and be nice to his mother.
Carol tells Bianca that running a business takes a lot of time... this is only just NOW coming up? Wow. Apparently she made Liam some lasagne - with baked beans in it... and that's a reason for them to have a heart-to-heart and reconcile... for all of five seconds before Liam suddenly turns spiteful, saying he earns more than Bianca (he probably does) and generally being defiant. So he walks off and Bianca looks about ready to pummel him when Carol walks in.
Tamwar is practising for an interview to become a market inspector. Exciting.
Tamwar then goes on to tell Twitney that this makes it feel as if his life is over before it has even begun... so, not the fact your infeasibly attractive wife left you and the odds of you getting another willing female of a similar age and comparable looks are about the same as being given a winning lottery ticket by Elvis, in a flying double decker bus flown by Lord Lucan then? That seems slightly worse than sweeping the streets, really... and what happened to the stall on the market?
And he got the job... he's about as excited as someone that has been diagnosed with rickets.
Kim's curtains are drooping... but for no adequately explained reason, Joey comes in and is bribed into fixing them but he's called away by work of all things... Who knew barmen were on call? During this, Jay and the ever grizzled Shirley are making humourous asides at Kim's expense... yes, antagonise someone who is putting you up for free - that'll work out REAAAL well for you.
Abi is stressing because her entire family is a car crash, fortunately Jay is on hand to offer reassurance. It's a tender and sweet moment that really feels out of place in the perpetually nightmarish, poorly written miasma of misanthropy. Fortunately, to snap us back to what passes for reality in Walford, Abi returns to find Lauren drunkenly dancing around in her jammies.
Lauren... in a moment of drunken clarity remarks that they've got things pretty good compared to some of her (unseen and unmentioned) friends who can't even remember the names of their biological parents and that Tanya will return... presumably when Max, Kirstie et al are playing happy families and she can walk in and look shocked.
For some reason Arfuuuuuuuuuur has been getting worried about Patrick lifting boxes of crisps and chairs... yes, he's getting on a bit but he's not exactly at Death's door yet. He's not even at the gate to the pathway to Death's door... probably just walking onto the street Death's house is on.
Upon returning to the B&B, Kim apologies for being a cow and gives him some rum... and so, despite having practically dragged him back in the house to fix it that morning, now Kim tells him to just leave it. Which immediately means that Patrick has to prove that he's not passed it yet and predictably leads to him having a bit of a tumble.
Joey flirts with some new lady and then goes to talk to Sharon... and she's about as agreeable as a box full of angry wasps... Jack really is a lucky man! In fact, Sharon is being such an insufferable bitch that she threatens Joey with the fire despite it being abundantly clear that he's trying to tell her something. This something turns out to be that the new lady is a wedding planner - apparently R&R is the perfect venue... that the wedding planner wants ON VALENTINE'S DAY... with a whole two days notice. Sharon even point out there isn't enough time to plan (since when has that ever mattered? Theme night are traditionally thought up in the late afternoon of the same day they occur) but apparently all they need to do is keep the drink flowing... This cheers Dragron up no end.
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Monday, 11 February 2013
Monday 11th February 2013
Bianca is beleaguered again. Her kids have reappeared and are doing their best bargain bin impersonation of the kids from Outnumbered... She has just seen Morgan's "tagging" (because he's a black kid inner city kid and that's what they do!) when Kat swans in, doing her best Christmas turkey impersonation to date... and of course, Bianca promises to get Twitney a new top and paying for Liam to go on a school trip - despite having said she hasn't two pennies to rub together.
Saint Alfie congratulates Kat and Bianca about their stall, then goes to tell Poxy about his good deeds. She's not too happy about the loan... or even looking at Kat... and she takes this out on Kirstie (now inexplicably NOT caked in make-up) who has returned... but then, you have to wonder what kind of response you're going to get when you leave your job MID-SHIFT. Even Poxy isn't stupid enough to take her back... and that's saying something.
Kirstie having burnt her bridges at the Vic has to be subject to a long, boring cricket story from Patrick... so pointless that even Kirstie has to ask what the point is at the end... which is to be nice. Steady on, Patrick - this is Walford. This works though, as Poxy hires her back.
Kat and Bianca make their first sale... and apparently that first tenner is going to Liam's school trip... Let's hope nothing goes awry to thwart that ambition and break that promise... and it's not as if Liam had his own job or anything. Then Poxy comes along to drop off the baby... for reasons.
Cue Kat giving her money to Bianca and saying "money doesn't matter"... a sentiment generally reserved for rich people who are insulated from the daily grind and not struggling single mothers, living on the charity of others. She uses Tommy's sniffles as an excuse to call Alfie round as she pretends he was more poorly... in which case, you should have called a doctor, not a cheeky publican! It seems as if Alfie can smell the desperation though and it's about as appealing to him as a horse flavoured ready meal.
The probation officer comes a callin' and goodness, Carol (not knowing he's there) calls out asking if "the nosy probation clown" will be there soon. Side-splitting. Despite that setback, everything has apparently gone fine - which is why it should come as no surprise when Liam comes home in the custody of two of Walford's finest... and he's guilty of repeated truancy... which is a shock to her (despite the fact she'd have received multiple letters and phonecalls about it) and there's a fine... OR IT'S BACK TO PRISON!
Tamwar is mopey because Zainab left... how would anyone notice? The only way to cure this is university... but Tamwar mopes about the evils of tuition fees. So they require money and apparently now with new evil regional manager (adhering to the rules and the law - the heartless bastard), they can't just give jobs to family and friends, they have to give them to qualified people! Although, work in the Minute Mart seems to mostly be gossiping and leaving the counter unattended.
Tamwar is more upset about the absence of his mother (and brother) than Masood... but suggesting university again fixes that.
A Lola and Pointless Poppy plot? IN THE SALON! That's sure to set hearts racing... to stop.
Saint Alfie congratulates Kat and Bianca about their stall, then goes to tell Poxy about his good deeds. She's not too happy about the loan... or even looking at Kat... and she takes this out on Kirstie (now inexplicably NOT caked in make-up) who has returned... but then, you have to wonder what kind of response you're going to get when you leave your job MID-SHIFT. Even Poxy isn't stupid enough to take her back... and that's saying something.
Kirstie having burnt her bridges at the Vic has to be subject to a long, boring cricket story from Patrick... so pointless that even Kirstie has to ask what the point is at the end... which is to be nice. Steady on, Patrick - this is Walford. This works though, as Poxy hires her back.
Kat and Bianca make their first sale... and apparently that first tenner is going to Liam's school trip... Let's hope nothing goes awry to thwart that ambition and break that promise... and it's not as if Liam had his own job or anything. Then Poxy comes along to drop off the baby... for reasons.
Cue Kat giving her money to Bianca and saying "money doesn't matter"... a sentiment generally reserved for rich people who are insulated from the daily grind and not struggling single mothers, living on the charity of others. She uses Tommy's sniffles as an excuse to call Alfie round as she pretends he was more poorly... in which case, you should have called a doctor, not a cheeky publican! It seems as if Alfie can smell the desperation though and it's about as appealing to him as a horse flavoured ready meal.
The probation officer comes a callin' and goodness, Carol (not knowing he's there) calls out asking if "the nosy probation clown" will be there soon. Side-splitting. Despite that setback, everything has apparently gone fine - which is why it should come as no surprise when Liam comes home in the custody of two of Walford's finest... and he's guilty of repeated truancy... which is a shock to her (despite the fact she'd have received multiple letters and phonecalls about it) and there's a fine... OR IT'S BACK TO PRISON!
Tamwar is mopey because Zainab left... how would anyone notice? The only way to cure this is university... but Tamwar mopes about the evils of tuition fees. So they require money and apparently now with new evil regional manager (adhering to the rules and the law - the heartless bastard), they can't just give jobs to family and friends, they have to give them to qualified people! Although, work in the Minute Mart seems to mostly be gossiping and leaving the counter unattended.
Tamwar is more upset about the absence of his mother (and brother) than Masood... but suggesting university again fixes that.
A Lola and Pointless Poppy plot? IN THE SALON! That's sure to set hearts racing... to stop.
Friday, 8 February 2013
Friday 8th February 2013
Zainab is sobbing because Masood isn't going to marry her. She blubbers a bit and then kisses Masood but he pushes her off and then runs upstairs to start throwing clothes on the bed and discussing the specifics of the divorce... dull, dull, dull. Kamil has also apparently disappeared and isn't woken up by the screaming match his parents are having... Zainab is also concerned about the repercussions of their lives together coming to an end.
Which might be a valid concern if not for the fact that they had DIVORCED AND SHE REMARRIED! Good grief... That's not some minor plot point, that was a major storyline and yet it's not even mentioned but when we return, things have calmed down and the couple are laughing... for about ten seconds before it's back to the prosaic paint-by-numbers melodrama. Yawn.
Zainab is absconding with Kamil RIGHT NOW, apparently... which Masood is surprisingly OK with. All the way back to Pakistan... Tamwar returns to have his parents lie about how Zainab is just going "on holiday". She at least has the common courtesy to apologise for being a terrible mother. Damnit, Zainab take that constipated killjoy with you! And... taxi for Zainab, it's a bit like the end of The Apprentice - with regret, Zainab YOU'RE FIRED! You too Kamil!
In the Vic, the imminent wedding of Twitney and Tyler is being celebrated. Yawn. Bianca is not particularly enthused... and when the groom is one of the Goonies... who can blame her? Having remembered that Dot is on the Square (and having paid lipservice to the fact she is being weighed down with debt) the Crayon Crew set about the televisual equivalent of vandalism to one of the shows favourite characters as Dot (somehow INSTANTLY intoxicated) plays "Never Have I Ever" (inexplicably given a far more stupid and clunky name) and behaves as if she is a completely different character... let's call her Bizzaro Dot. Fortunately this doesn't last long. Let us never speak of Bizaaro Dot again.
Tamwar and Lucy discuss the destruction of his parent's marriage as if they're old friends, rather than people who have barely even been in the same room together. Then she tells him about her cancer scare - she went to the doctor and is waiting for the results. Yawn.
Thursday, 7 February 2013
Thursday 7th February 2013
We open to a ponderously slow and tedious scene of the Masood house early in the morning that someone probably thought was clever or artistic but is really just painfully dull. Zainab is apparently upset that Masood (might have) thought about getting it on with the Geordie Racer. When dawn breaks, the mini-Masood has appeared! Presumably only to disappear. Zainab is making up for her emotional turmoil with cleaning. Much like the scene at the start, this just drags on and on...
Until Masood says if he wanted to marry Zainab - he'd have done it months ago... but apparently she's rolling with the punches as they're fine later on. Oh and despite Mini-Masood now being able to speak, they apparently only JUST realised that all four of their children have never been in the same room together... Eh, I suppose Eastenders is at least avoiding the cliché of Asian families being closer...
Z shows Masood she is fun by apparently mastering the art of sorcery and conjuring from the aether, a games console complete with Guitar Hero guitar attachment but before we can see her attempt to beat AJ's score on Livin' On A Prayer (WE'RE HALFWAY THERE!), Masood unplugs the TV. You shouldn't do that... bad for electronics.
Cue lengthy discussion of feeeeeeeeeelings... wow, thirteen year olds writing about how their parents not letting them dye their hair black is the worst thing in the history of time is more emotionally articulate and nuanced than this trite nonsense. FINALLY, after what seems like more time than for an accretion disk around a sun to form a planet, that planet to cool, life to arise and evolve into bipedal lifeforms with aspirations of writing bad soap operas - Masood gets it over with and says he's not marrying her... which might have had SOME impact, if not for the fact he said it TEN MINUTES AGO!
AJ goes to tell Denise about THE CLEANING... and uses it as an excuse to ask her out for lunch. Which fails and so he decides to start drinking outside the Vic... and is apparently drunk enough to hit on Kat and Bianca? Both of them being below the poverty line are more than willing to start drinking at lunch time. It's not as if they have dozens of things to do to start their own business.
Oh and apparently Denise shows up... and she comments on his intoxication. Goodness. She puts together the imminent divorce of Masood and Zainab almost immediately. Funny how people are often incapable of putting anything together in Eastenders but sometimes they just INSTANTLY get something... like that one time when Abi became a human lie detector.
AJ apparently wants to buy champagne for Kat and Bianca... but hasn't the money... and uncharacteristically, Saint Alfie isn't even going to extend him credit... Drinking is an understandable (if unhealthy) reaction to this kind of situation but why on Earth would you want to get price gouged for overpriced low quality fizz in the Vic? We may never know as later, AJ is dead to the world with a death grip on his pint glass. No, seriously - Poxy has to pry it from his hand.
Tamwar goes to get cheered up by Arfuuuuuuuuuuur who asks what he's worried about - after all his parents have broken up lots! Perhaps he has some wisdom from DA STREET (as imagined by middle aged white men whose knowledge of subatomic particles greatly exceeds their understanding of young mixed race urban individuals). Nope. It was hard when his parents broke up... that's about it.
We almost escape the Masoods as the rest of DA YOUFF find out about Twitney & Tyler getting married. Tamwar sits in the back being sarcastic... and looking like a manikin .. if mothers ever want an example of "the wind will change and your face will stay like that", look no further than Tamwar as a cautionary tale. He also seems surprised that they're going to announce the engagement in The Vic... not particularly surprising he didn't get into Oxbridge if that comes as a surprise, he'd be lucky to get into a swimming pool with that lack of wits.
Dot offers some sagacious words to the perpetually tummy troubled Tamwar - they'll either sort things out or they won't. For some reason, when he returns home with his little brother in tow, he thinks it's a good idea for him to sit and overhear the "emotional" blow-by-blow of the breakdown of their parents' marriage. Yeah, that's going to give the boy a whole mess of baggage.
Tuesday, 5 February 2013
Tuesday 5th February 2013
Masood is still smashing the water feature and this activates the homing signal in the entire Masood family, as they all magically appear at the same time. Even Tamwar... sadly, it looks as if his constipation is still terminal.
Zainab posits that Masood is in the midst of a breakdown but then decides they need to get back to normal. Geordie Racer starts acting crazy and shouts at Zainab - it's about time someone did. Then it's time for her to reveal that she loves Masood and everything between that and Zainab telling her to leave is padding. TAXI FOR GEORDIE RACER! And Zainab tells Masood she knows EVERYTHING... eh, he didn't do anything wrong.
Max (still covered in jam) chases after Abi, who has escaped the terrifying sight of him half-naked. He then tries to bribe her! And she storms off. Lauren decides that this is a good occasion to start drinking... really, it's surprising that she's limiting herself to just the abuse of alcohol. She tells Max that it might have been a good idea to not shag Kirstie five minutes after Tanya walked out the door.
After the best part of eighteen years, it would seem that Max's kids have finally worked out that he lies constantly and so they decide to tell him to get out... apparently Kirstie is all he needs though. Still, he's probably used to being estranged from his family by now...
Joey's suspicions about Count Moonula are fuelled by finding some earrings and decides to shout at him... a tried and tested interrogation technique. Which gets him nowhere. Half-Day Alice isn't exactly pleased that Joey was rifling through her things. Oh and Joey ends up hanging around Count Moonula's house before punching him, insisting Half-Day leaves and then skulking off on his own.
Bianca is not best pleased at Twitney's imminent nuptials to Tyler. She has her whole life ahead of her! Not if they don't diagnose that case of jaundice she has! Or whatever it is that has turned her into an oompa loompa...
Oh, Lucy's cancer. Can't forget that (although the Crayon Crew almost certainly will). The best place to discuss this kind of serious topic is obviously outside, on the swings, at night in midwinter.
Zainab posits that Masood is in the midst of a breakdown but then decides they need to get back to normal. Geordie Racer starts acting crazy and shouts at Zainab - it's about time someone did. Then it's time for her to reveal that she loves Masood and everything between that and Zainab telling her to leave is padding. TAXI FOR GEORDIE RACER! And Zainab tells Masood she knows EVERYTHING... eh, he didn't do anything wrong.
Max (still covered in jam) chases after Abi, who has escaped the terrifying sight of him half-naked. He then tries to bribe her! And she storms off. Lauren decides that this is a good occasion to start drinking... really, it's surprising that she's limiting herself to just the abuse of alcohol. She tells Max that it might have been a good idea to not shag Kirstie five minutes after Tanya walked out the door.
After the best part of eighteen years, it would seem that Max's kids have finally worked out that he lies constantly and so they decide to tell him to get out... apparently Kirstie is all he needs though. Still, he's probably used to being estranged from his family by now...
Joey's suspicions about Count Moonula are fuelled by finding some earrings and decides to shout at him... a tried and tested interrogation technique. Which gets him nowhere. Half-Day Alice isn't exactly pleased that Joey was rifling through her things. Oh and Joey ends up hanging around Count Moonula's house before punching him, insisting Half-Day leaves and then skulking off on his own.
Bianca is not best pleased at Twitney's imminent nuptials to Tyler. She has her whole life ahead of her! Not if they don't diagnose that case of jaundice she has! Or whatever it is that has turned her into an oompa loompa...
Oh, Lucy's cancer. Can't forget that (although the Crayon Crew almost certainly will). The best place to discuss this kind of serious topic is obviously outside, on the swings, at night in midwinter.
Monday 4th January 2013
Not making that water feature has ruined everything for the Masood family... that's the way of things, isn't it? One unfinished water feature ruins a marriage. Geordie Racer asks why he didn't turn up when the imam was there. It's a big deal to unveil this water feature though! WORD NEEDS TO BE PUT AROUND! Count Moonula even says that Masood is an idiot OUT LOUD... just in case in devotion wasn't clearly excessive.
There is a grand unveiling and... it's bubbling and red. Oh, apparently it's pink. Goodness. Truly, nothing worse has ever happened in human history. Which is why Zainab bursts into Bianca's house and murders the children responsible... sorry, that would be a far more INTERESTING story. She just goes in shouts, gets shouted at and leaves.
Masood and Zainab have an argument, most predicated by Zainab being even MORE panto than usual... this prompts Masood to walk outside, grab a conveniently placed sledgehammer (no reason to keep costly tools inside in a crime ridden sinkhole like Walford, after all!)
Cora - being older than the pyramids - is incapable of buying food, while Max (still with jam on his face) skulks in one of the seldom seen alleys. Apparently Jay and Dexter are going to sort Abi's money worries though. What better way to achieve this than POKER?! An exciting three player, low stakes game in the Arches! Enough to keep you on the edge of your seat... if you're sitting on a piece of string.
Needless to say, it fails. Horribly. Abi isn't happy. Imagine how she feels when seeing her Scotch Egg of a father half-naked in bed clearly post-coital with the terrifying Secret Wife in front of her. Oh dear.
Perhaps somewhat significantly, Tyler tells Saint Alfie about his impending marriage to Twitney with Iron Maiden's "Run To The Hills" playing in the background... but Twitney has a new job and the interview is in the caffffffffffff. The ever skeletal Lucy is on hand and for some reason, she's twitchier than a crack addict! No need to worry though, even though they want to keep it quiet Tyler only told Alfie!
What's that over there? LUCY CANCER SCARE!
There is a grand unveiling and... it's bubbling and red. Oh, apparently it's pink. Goodness. Truly, nothing worse has ever happened in human history. Which is why Zainab bursts into Bianca's house and murders the children responsible... sorry, that would be a far more INTERESTING story. She just goes in shouts, gets shouted at and leaves.
Masood and Zainab have an argument, most predicated by Zainab being even MORE panto than usual... this prompts Masood to walk outside, grab a conveniently placed sledgehammer (no reason to keep costly tools inside in a crime ridden sinkhole like Walford, after all!)
Cora - being older than the pyramids - is incapable of buying food, while Max (still with jam on his face) skulks in one of the seldom seen alleys. Apparently Jay and Dexter are going to sort Abi's money worries though. What better way to achieve this than POKER?! An exciting three player, low stakes game in the Arches! Enough to keep you on the edge of your seat... if you're sitting on a piece of string.
Needless to say, it fails. Horribly. Abi isn't happy. Imagine how she feels when seeing her Scotch Egg of a father half-naked in bed clearly post-coital with the terrifying Secret Wife in front of her. Oh dear.
Perhaps somewhat significantly, Tyler tells Saint Alfie about his impending marriage to Twitney with Iron Maiden's "Run To The Hills" playing in the background... but Twitney has a new job and the interview is in the caffffffffffff. The ever skeletal Lucy is on hand and for some reason, she's twitchier than a crack addict! No need to worry though, even though they want to keep it quiet Tyler only told Alfie!
What's that over there? LUCY CANCER SCARE!
Friday, 1 February 2013
Friday 1st February 2013
Masood is working on the water feature as Geordie Racer looks lustfully on from inside. She's apparently going to see Rasheed though - not really, she was just tricking him into going back into the house. Rinse and repeat of the same conversation they've had many times now - Masood tells her she's young and foolish, she tells him Zainab isn't good enough for him.
This is soapland, so Zainab returns within minutes to prove Geordie Racer's point - demanding he finish the water feature that night, despite the fact he was working on it since early that morning AND has run out of tiles AND that it's mid-winter! She has a go at him for running out of tiles not once but TWICE... Masood returns to overhear Zainab talking to the imam - which leads him to noisily exit the house.
Count Moonula's house (which somehow looks like a bombsite again) welcomes Half-Day Alice to another day o' work (actually, she seemed to do a half-day) and then he's off. Undeterred by Tiffany ambushing him, Joey feels the need to ambush him too... Weird.
Apparently Alice has gone nanners as she has taken Tyler's shoes hostage. This is apparently sufficient coercion to induce the feckless Moon to tidy up the entire house by the time the Count returns. For some reason, he bought her flower and she bought him a bottle of wine... Weirder and weirder. The somewhat embittered Tyler decides to set Joey off by intimating that Count Moonula and Half-Day are more than merely employer and employee.
Max is brooding about Kirstie now. Multi-tasking on wife angst, eh? A truly modern take on idiocy. Max decides that she has sent the ring back because she has gone back to "some fellah" and with nothing better to do (like running a business), he's off to look for her and yet when Jacknocchio points out this is a bad idea and that he'd do better to forget it. Wise words - which is why Max ignores them.
He drives off to deepest darkest Walford... actually, there is no clue as to where it is but presumably all of five minutes away. Within mere moments of arriving at a run down (even by the low standards of third world Walford) house, Kirstie appears - followed in quick succession by a thuggish ex, clear indications that Kirstie has been hit by the thuggish ex, Max punching the thuggish ex and then Max getting a beating... sadly, we miss most of the beating, as it's done behind closed doors but sometime later, he's ejected looking "injured". Hey Max, you've got red on you.
Instead of going to the hospital - or getting a doughnut to wipe up all that jam - they talk in the car and end up kissing. Yawn.
There are also two plots barely worth mentioning - Tiffany wants to be a pop singer (and requires a Simon Cowell) and Tyler inexplicably decides that the best way to make things up to Twitney is marriage. Most bafflingly of all, he's apparently able to waltz into a nursery unchallenged and get kids to write out the proposal for him.
This is soapland, so Zainab returns within minutes to prove Geordie Racer's point - demanding he finish the water feature that night, despite the fact he was working on it since early that morning AND has run out of tiles AND that it's mid-winter! She has a go at him for running out of tiles not once but TWICE... Masood returns to overhear Zainab talking to the imam - which leads him to noisily exit the house.
Count Moonula's house (which somehow looks like a bombsite again) welcomes Half-Day Alice to another day o' work (actually, she seemed to do a half-day) and then he's off. Undeterred by Tiffany ambushing him, Joey feels the need to ambush him too... Weird.
Apparently Alice has gone nanners as she has taken Tyler's shoes hostage. This is apparently sufficient coercion to induce the feckless Moon to tidy up the entire house by the time the Count returns. For some reason, he bought her flower and she bought him a bottle of wine... Weirder and weirder. The somewhat embittered Tyler decides to set Joey off by intimating that Count Moonula and Half-Day are more than merely employer and employee.
Max is brooding about Kirstie now. Multi-tasking on wife angst, eh? A truly modern take on idiocy. Max decides that she has sent the ring back because she has gone back to "some fellah" and with nothing better to do (like running a business), he's off to look for her and yet when Jacknocchio points out this is a bad idea and that he'd do better to forget it. Wise words - which is why Max ignores them.
He drives off to deepest darkest Walford... actually, there is no clue as to where it is but presumably all of five minutes away. Within mere moments of arriving at a run down (even by the low standards of third world Walford) house, Kirstie appears - followed in quick succession by a thuggish ex, clear indications that Kirstie has been hit by the thuggish ex, Max punching the thuggish ex and then Max getting a beating... sadly, we miss most of the beating, as it's done behind closed doors but sometime later, he's ejected looking "injured". Hey Max, you've got red on you.
Instead of going to the hospital - or getting a doughnut to wipe up all that jam - they talk in the car and end up kissing. Yawn.
There are also two plots barely worth mentioning - Tiffany wants to be a pop singer (and requires a Simon Cowell) and Tyler inexplicably decides that the best way to make things up to Twitney is marriage. Most bafflingly of all, he's apparently able to waltz into a nursery unchallenged and get kids to write out the proposal for him.
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