NINETY MINUTES. NINETY MINUTES OF EASTENDERS... (about thirty seconds of which were live for absolutely no reason) that's the televisual equivalent of waterboarding...
And they have it all, from a homage to the soap's origins 30 years ago with the discovery of Nasty Nick's corpse, to another Ian Beale wedding and another improbable birth... this time by Kim who has spent all the time since her return doing her best to look like a drag queen and of course, the long awaited reveal of Lucy's killer. FOR REALLY REAL THIS TIME!
Oh and Dean tries to burn down the Vic but Danny Dire bashes his head in and stamps on his throat. Well, it won't be the first time someone buried a body in the Vic.
Oh! And one more thing - Kathy ain't dead! No, really - as if Dirty Den returning from beyond the grave wasn't quite enough... here comes Kathy who ALSO faked her death for some reason. You'd think that if she was faking her death, she'd want to KEEP her son? Guess not. Anyway, like the slew of other cameos - pointless filler.
Also, Dot confesses to the police that she murdered Nick or something? It's not exactly clear what she's pleading guilty to but she's off for a ride in the police car
So, now IAN has worked out who the killer is and - just like Lauren and WPC Noknickers, he decides not to tell anyone. "They'll come to me." He says, having at some point taken a shower fully clothed off-screen... before he goes and finds Jane and asks her what happens. DUFF DUFF DUFF!
Provided you're not an idiot, you'll probably have worked out that it wasn't Jane but little Bobby Beale that was responsible and that - as usual - it wasn't really murder just an accident (it's what everyone is saying about Ben bashing in 'Ev's skull, after all).
So, then ensues an entire episode long flashback which does its best to illustrate what a holocaustic hodgepodge this storyline is. There are few ways you could better demonstrate the total lack of narrative structure or coherency than this, as it tries with great futility to weave together the scant plot points we've been privy to over the past year - mostly by having half the inhabitants of Walford skulking around furtively in hoodies and the other half talking about what a bitch Lucy is and wouldn't it just be grand if someone would kill her and dump her body in the never before seen or mentioned Walford Commons? Presumably located adjacent to the Walford sink estate and just as likely to be forgotten.
So, Lucy goes off to do a flat viewing and NuBen turns up to attempt acting and fails. He wants to go off to Miami... why he requires Lucy to hold his hand for that is beyond me and then Jake turns up, drunk.
Basically, this covers all the random plot points no one really gave a damn about. Ian meeting up with Rainie, what Jake got up to while black out drunk, why Ben and Jay were involved, the root of Denise's alcohol abuse (maybe?) and what Masood and Denise chatted about. None of which has any real importance to the murder storyline.
Really, the logical thing to do would have just been to follow Lucy but that clearly wouldn't have been enough to fill an episode and honestly, even that on its own would be pretty dull - was there anyone desperate to know how Lucy's earring and blood ended up in Jake's flat?
In addition to all the people lurking in hooded tops, it's perhaps the busiest night that Walford has ever scene. It's ridiculous, really. Seemingly the entire population are out and about but somehow in parallel universes, inhabiting the same space but unable to see or interact with one another.
Regardless, it's a lot of tedious scenes to establish the exact goings on, the night of Lucy's murder. There's no sense of tension or build-up because we already know the broad strokes - it's just padding out the denouement needlessly.
And given what a widely hated and unlikable character Lucy was by the end, was there any point in trying to make her seem more sympathetic? It's a bit late in the day for that.
Anyway, as if ending on the cliffhanger of Jane previously wasn't enough, the flashback ends with Jane finding Lucy's body and Bobby brandishing some manner of bludgeoning object... well, at least it's a more credible murder weapon than a five gram plastic frame.
Friday 20 February 2015
Tuesday 17 February 2015
Tuesday 17th February 2015
We are gathered here to celebrate 30 years of the misery that is Eastenders... although, given how they've chosen an almost year long damp squib of immeasurable (and yet, ever increasing) idiocy - the word celebrate is used in the loosest possible way.
So, it's all terrible exciting because it's LIVE! An idea so original, they did it for the last celebration... and had been done by a number of other soaps before that and just about the only thing anyone REALLY remembers from that episode outside of Bradley's improbable death after shouting "STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!" is Jack bungling his ways through a bunch of lines at the start... and actually, it's a cheap because it's not REALLY live. It's just kind of lives. Which makes you wonder - what's the point? Actually, what's the point of it being live at all? Surely good performances and good storytelling are what matter? Oh, wait - this IS Eastenders we're talking about.
Anyways, to this years offering...
You can always tell a soap is desperate when it starts digging up the past and here comes about the only person from EE's past that they've got left (no seriously, barring another resurrection - Peggy is pretty much the last person they had). So, they've dusted her off, hosed her done and put her back into Walford... because, why not?
Actually, after six weeks of Ronnie being in a coma and a little less of Phil being locked up, she's decided to show up to intercede... after Phil has been released from prison. Useless. Oh and the person responsible for BOTH those particular misdeeds, Nick Cotton is dead. For real this time. Not like the last time (last week) where he was just passed out or the time before that when he had just faked his own death.
Dot seems to be taking it rather well, really but then she'd just disowned her son for the fourth time before he died. Not in her lifetime, in just this storyline. Anyway, as Nick had pretended to leave (half the Square knew he was alive and hiding at Dot's), she is now keeping quiet about his rotting corpse. As one does.
In fact, Peggy's return is - like her recent cameo - a non-event. She shouts a bit at Dot, has a bit of banter with Danny Dire (who tells her to get out of his pub - goodness, how clever!) and then she's off. You have to wonder why they bothered. A suitable anti-climax for this anti-climactic celebration, really.
Speaking of unasked for and unneeded returns - here comes new head Martin. No reason, just because.
Lauren - managing somehow to be an even bigger idiot than WPC Noknickers - is now aware of the identity of the murderer and because this is a (and please excuse me as I explode into several minutes of lung damagingly intense belly laughs) complex mystery plot (BWHAHAHAHA!) she's got to do what WPC Noknickers did before she got herself killed - be as obtuse as possible. Beyond just not telling anyone who the murderer is, this also requires her to do her best to try and make it look like everyone is still in the frame by acting all shifty with everyone.
Ronnie's coma seems to be coming to an end... which is why Charlie and Roxy decided to have a conversation about how they had a shag right next to her as she's fluttering her eyes. Ronnie shouldn't take it personally though, Roxy hasn't had anything of substance to do forever - although maybe she should look for her daughter, if she's bored. Oh and a mysterious black man left her a white rose, after turning up (breaking in?) to Phil's house. When asked who he was, Phil replied to Billy Idiot "trouble". Foreshadowing doesn't get much more subtle than that.
Ian's 1x10^15 wedding celebrations take up most of the rest of episode and if you've seen one Walford pre-wedding do, you've seen them all. Oh and Christian has taken a break from presenting the National Lottery to attend her wedding... Again, just because.
There's not much else, beyond Lauren deciding to leg it with Max trying to stop her and then when Abi asks why her sister left, he announces that Lauren knows Abi killed Lucy. DOOF DOOF DOOF!
That's about as anti-climactic as reveals get.
So, it's all terrible exciting because it's LIVE! An idea so original, they did it for the last celebration... and had been done by a number of other soaps before that and just about the only thing anyone REALLY remembers from that episode outside of Bradley's improbable death after shouting "STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!" is Jack bungling his ways through a bunch of lines at the start... and actually, it's a cheap because it's not REALLY live. It's just kind of lives. Which makes you wonder - what's the point? Actually, what's the point of it being live at all? Surely good performances and good storytelling are what matter? Oh, wait - this IS Eastenders we're talking about.
Anyways, to this years offering...
You can always tell a soap is desperate when it starts digging up the past and here comes about the only person from EE's past that they've got left (no seriously, barring another resurrection - Peggy is pretty much the last person they had). So, they've dusted her off, hosed her done and put her back into Walford... because, why not?
Actually, after six weeks of Ronnie being in a coma and a little less of Phil being locked up, she's decided to show up to intercede... after Phil has been released from prison. Useless. Oh and the person responsible for BOTH those particular misdeeds, Nick Cotton is dead. For real this time. Not like the last time (last week) where he was just passed out or the time before that when he had just faked his own death.
Dot seems to be taking it rather well, really but then she'd just disowned her son for the fourth time before he died. Not in her lifetime, in just this storyline. Anyway, as Nick had pretended to leave (half the Square knew he was alive and hiding at Dot's), she is now keeping quiet about his rotting corpse. As one does.
In fact, Peggy's return is - like her recent cameo - a non-event. She shouts a bit at Dot, has a bit of banter with Danny Dire (who tells her to get out of his pub - goodness, how clever!) and then she's off. You have to wonder why they bothered. A suitable anti-climax for this anti-climactic celebration, really.
Speaking of unasked for and unneeded returns - here comes new head Martin. No reason, just because.
Lauren - managing somehow to be an even bigger idiot than WPC Noknickers - is now aware of the identity of the murderer and because this is a (and please excuse me as I explode into several minutes of lung damagingly intense belly laughs) complex mystery plot (BWHAHAHAHA!) she's got to do what WPC Noknickers did before she got herself killed - be as obtuse as possible. Beyond just not telling anyone who the murderer is, this also requires her to do her best to try and make it look like everyone is still in the frame by acting all shifty with everyone.
Ronnie's coma seems to be coming to an end... which is why Charlie and Roxy decided to have a conversation about how they had a shag right next to her as she's fluttering her eyes. Ronnie shouldn't take it personally though, Roxy hasn't had anything of substance to do forever - although maybe she should look for her daughter, if she's bored. Oh and a mysterious black man left her a white rose, after turning up (breaking in?) to Phil's house. When asked who he was, Phil replied to Billy Idiot "trouble". Foreshadowing doesn't get much more subtle than that.
Ian's 1x10^15 wedding celebrations take up most of the rest of episode and if you've seen one Walford pre-wedding do, you've seen them all. Oh and Christian has taken a break from presenting the National Lottery to attend her wedding... Again, just because.
There's not much else, beyond Lauren deciding to leg it with Max trying to stop her and then when Abi asks why her sister left, he announces that Lauren knows Abi killed Lucy. DOOF DOOF DOOF!
That's about as anti-climactic as reveals get.
Friday 30 August 2013
Friday 30th August 2013
The episode leaps to an insipid beginning with Dexter berating Jay and then Lola telling Peter he should have told people about getting the person we've never heard about killed.
Jean is sitting on the bench in the centre of the Square... GRIPPING!
Billy Idiot lives up to his namesake by being surprised that Gold Digger isn't returning his calls.
It seems the holiday is over, what with the stolen money... and then Peter makes Lola feel better by talking more about the person who died. Lola being a teenage mother gives her insight into losing a teenage son, you see!
Jean has gone missing!
Dextah has decided the gang need to join up to find the money...
Jean is all upset about her relationship being over - even though she's just assuming it's over.
Everyone tries to play Columbo but they finally decide that the guy who bought the car stole the money. They then decide that even Dextah, Peter and Jay are no match for a friend of the mighty King Phil and decide to kidnap his daughter. No. Seriously, that's their plan. Until Abi speaks up.
Ollie has returned! Yawn.
Abi's plan is to get the tavern wench to text her father! Which results in him turning up and leaving the keys in the car, so that Jay can steal it WITHOUT breaking the window (that was handy!)... oh but the car won't start because hey, why NOT add another cliche? Oh but that was just to generate false tension because as soon as Dextah jumps in - it starts just in the nick of time. If anything, it's a miracle they don't have the father shaking his fist at them. Thank goodness the camping trip is over.
Billy Idiot's gold digger blows him off and he actually - having been told several times and seen all the signs - finally manages to put it together. What an idiot.
Ollie is OK with Jean being bipolar.
Da yoooooooooooooofffffffffffffffff return but King Phil is not happy.
Billy Idiot admits to Kim what a pathetic joke he is.
King Phil is not best pleased with Dextah
It seems Jean is having one of her manic episodes and Ollie is concerned. This upsets Jean.
Abi and Jay drama. Yawn.
King Phil wants to know who has his money. He's not too happy about not having it and goes all scary on Dextah to get the point across.
In yet another shocking plot twist, who should have the money but shifty Cyndi 2... Real M. Night Shymalan stuff there.
Jean is sitting on the bench in the centre of the Square... GRIPPING!
Billy Idiot lives up to his namesake by being surprised that Gold Digger isn't returning his calls.
It seems the holiday is over, what with the stolen money... and then Peter makes Lola feel better by talking more about the person who died. Lola being a teenage mother gives her insight into losing a teenage son, you see!
Jean has gone missing!
Dextah has decided the gang need to join up to find the money...
Jean is all upset about her relationship being over - even though she's just assuming it's over.
Everyone tries to play Columbo but they finally decide that the guy who bought the car stole the money. They then decide that even Dextah, Peter and Jay are no match for a friend of the mighty King Phil and decide to kidnap his daughter. No. Seriously, that's their plan. Until Abi speaks up.
Ollie has returned! Yawn.
Abi's plan is to get the tavern wench to text her father! Which results in him turning up and leaving the keys in the car, so that Jay can steal it WITHOUT breaking the window (that was handy!)... oh but the car won't start because hey, why NOT add another cliche? Oh but that was just to generate false tension because as soon as Dextah jumps in - it starts just in the nick of time. If anything, it's a miracle they don't have the father shaking his fist at them. Thank goodness the camping trip is over.
Billy Idiot's gold digger blows him off and he actually - having been told several times and seen all the signs - finally manages to put it together. What an idiot.
Ollie is OK with Jean being bipolar.
Da yoooooooooooooofffffffffffffffff return but King Phil is not happy.
Billy Idiot admits to Kim what a pathetic joke he is.
King Phil is not best pleased with Dextah
It seems Jean is having one of her manic episodes and Ollie is concerned. This upsets Jean.
Abi and Jay drama. Yawn.
King Phil wants to know who has his money. He's not too happy about not having it and goes all scary on Dextah to get the point across.
In yet another shocking plot twist, who should have the money but shifty Cyndi 2... Real M. Night Shymalan stuff there.
Thursday 29 August 2013
Thursday 29th August 2013
Dexter and da rest of da yooooooooouuuuuf are in a panic about the money... yawn.
Alfie pries Jean from Ollie because she's gone a bit mental.
Abi goes to retrieve the money to assuage the concern of Dexter but ohoh! No money. Dexter is not too happy.
Billy Idiot continues to be enticed by woman of stunningly average looks. She seems impressed by his flashing of cash.
Abi manages to go all Columbo and work out that only the feckless group of them knew there was money in the caravan.
Alfie reassures Poxy that he doesn't love Kat anymore... why is she JUST worrying about this now?
Cyndi 2 is the natural target for accusation and she then strops off. Then everyone shows they aren't so much teenagers but school children as the predictable blame game ensues.
Billy Idiot's incredibly average looking lady friend turns out to be a gold digger! WHAT A SURPRISE! Who could have seen that coming? Kim isn't too happy and tells 'er to sling 'er 'ook.
Abi and Jay continue to fret over her pregnancy. Yawn.
Jean remains unconvinced by the double threat of Alfie and Poxy, seemingly resigned to DCI The Bill never returning rather than just telling him the truth.
Abi isn't preggers but she and Jay are still at odds.
Cyndi 2 tries to cheer up Dexter but her idea is that the tavern wench stole it and Dexter points out he was with her the whole time.
Billy Idiot and Kim have a most improbable exchange, where the Idiot tells the other idiot that they've forgotten how to have fun... Kim was drunk on the job just a few days ago and pretending that she's somehow abstaining from the simple pleasures because of hard work is like saying a fish in the sea needs to practice its swimming more.
Dexter tells Abi to buck her ideas up and get back together with Jay but when she tries to text him, it doesn't work and he starts flirting with the tavern wench. DUN DUN DUN!
DCI The Bill turns up and Jean blurts out that she has bipolar.
Is Peter going to fess up to what happened in Devon?! He thinks he's responsible for some guy we don't know dying. Wow. Who the hell cares? Lola seems shocked by this revelation.
Abi walks in JUST as Jay and tavern wench kiss. Now there's an original outcome!
Alfie pries Jean from Ollie because she's gone a bit mental.
Abi goes to retrieve the money to assuage the concern of Dexter but ohoh! No money. Dexter is not too happy.
Billy Idiot continues to be enticed by woman of stunningly average looks. She seems impressed by his flashing of cash.
Abi manages to go all Columbo and work out that only the feckless group of them knew there was money in the caravan.
Alfie reassures Poxy that he doesn't love Kat anymore... why is she JUST worrying about this now?
Cyndi 2 is the natural target for accusation and she then strops off. Then everyone shows they aren't so much teenagers but school children as the predictable blame game ensues.
Billy Idiot's incredibly average looking lady friend turns out to be a gold digger! WHAT A SURPRISE! Who could have seen that coming? Kim isn't too happy and tells 'er to sling 'er 'ook.
Abi and Jay continue to fret over her pregnancy. Yawn.
Jean remains unconvinced by the double threat of Alfie and Poxy, seemingly resigned to DCI The Bill never returning rather than just telling him the truth.
Abi isn't preggers but she and Jay are still at odds.
Cyndi 2 tries to cheer up Dexter but her idea is that the tavern wench stole it and Dexter points out he was with her the whole time.
Billy Idiot and Kim have a most improbable exchange, where the Idiot tells the other idiot that they've forgotten how to have fun... Kim was drunk on the job just a few days ago and pretending that she's somehow abstaining from the simple pleasures because of hard work is like saying a fish in the sea needs to practice its swimming more.
Dexter tells Abi to buck her ideas up and get back together with Jay but when she tries to text him, it doesn't work and he starts flirting with the tavern wench. DUN DUN DUN!
DCI The Bill turns up and Jean blurts out that she has bipolar.
Is Peter going to fess up to what happened in Devon?! He thinks he's responsible for some guy we don't know dying. Wow. Who the hell cares? Lola seems shocked by this revelation.
Abi walks in JUST as Jay and tavern wench kiss. Now there's an original outcome!
Tuesday 27 August 2013
Tuesday 27th August 2013
Despite being glistening clean the other day - Dexter and Lola are cleaning the car as Abi is worrying about the absence of Jay.
Jean's mania continues!
Lola's flirting with Peter continues before she worries about Lexi and then a generic car washing scene ensues. Sigh.
Kim tells Billy Idiot he's shooting for someone out of his league... Improbably she agrees to lunch in the Vic, which leads Billy Idiot to think it's a sure thing.
Peter has been going on about Cyndi 2 (off-screen). Always good to inform people of things rather than showing them and Jay and Abi continue to be awkward!
Alfie tries to convince Poxy Jean's manic and should tell DCI The Bill.
Dexter has gotten all dressed up to impress the tavern wench. Oh, she's the daughter of the person they're selling the car to! WHAT A TWIST!
Jean's mania continues!
It seems "Bob" is getting a bit of a deal on the car... ten grand? And wasn't it only five before?
Cyndi 2 and Lola do a bit of bonding... but who cares? Then she says sorry to Peter, who isn't receptive but then Cyndi 2 alludes to... THE SECRET!
Alfie continues to fret about Jean's mania.
The car deal goes through and Dexter continues to try and woo the tavern wench.
Kim - at odds akin to winning the lottery three weeks running - says another intelligent thing in the episode by pointing out Billy Idiot isn't going to impress Tara with market tat. Then ruins it by saying he needs to buy her a gift... because buying affection is so classy. Oh but Tara approves of the shirt.
Jay and Abi angsting about her being preggers - yawn.
Lola - looking more orange than usual - continues to flirt with Peter. Yawn.
Billy Idiot is in the Vic, where he shows to Alfie what an idiot he is while trying to impress Tara.
Abi asserts her being preggers WON'T BE OK!
For reasons of idiocy, Abi gets handed the money from the car deal and has to hide it.
Something is either wrong with the universe or Tara has ulterior motives because she seems attracted to him.
Lola has noticed something is up with Abi and Jay... and everyone disperses for obvious reasons of plot convenience.
The unlikely flirting between Tara and Billy Idiot continues... just for Kim to walk in and demand payment for looking after Lexi. Allowing Kim to look after a child should be considered a serious form of abuse.
Abi wants an abortion - DUN DUN DUN!
Dexter flirting continues!
It seems Abi's man whore of a father has given her a rather jaded impression of Jay's abilities to provide and be faithful. Quelle surprise!
Poxy invites DCI The Bill to the wedding, to whit Jean says "IF THERE IS A WEDDING!" FORESHADOWING!
Oh and the caravan has been robbed. DUN DUN DUN!
Jean's mania continues!
Lola's flirting with Peter continues before she worries about Lexi and then a generic car washing scene ensues. Sigh.
Kim tells Billy Idiot he's shooting for someone out of his league... Improbably she agrees to lunch in the Vic, which leads Billy Idiot to think it's a sure thing.
Peter has been going on about Cyndi 2 (off-screen). Always good to inform people of things rather than showing them and Jay and Abi continue to be awkward!
Alfie tries to convince Poxy Jean's manic and should tell DCI The Bill.
Dexter has gotten all dressed up to impress the tavern wench. Oh, she's the daughter of the person they're selling the car to! WHAT A TWIST!
Jean's mania continues!
It seems "Bob" is getting a bit of a deal on the car... ten grand? And wasn't it only five before?
Cyndi 2 and Lola do a bit of bonding... but who cares? Then she says sorry to Peter, who isn't receptive but then Cyndi 2 alludes to... THE SECRET!
Alfie continues to fret about Jean's mania.
The car deal goes through and Dexter continues to try and woo the tavern wench.
Kim - at odds akin to winning the lottery three weeks running - says another intelligent thing in the episode by pointing out Billy Idiot isn't going to impress Tara with market tat. Then ruins it by saying he needs to buy her a gift... because buying affection is so classy. Oh but Tara approves of the shirt.
Jay and Abi angsting about her being preggers - yawn.
Lola - looking more orange than usual - continues to flirt with Peter. Yawn.
Billy Idiot is in the Vic, where he shows to Alfie what an idiot he is while trying to impress Tara.
Abi asserts her being preggers WON'T BE OK!
For reasons of idiocy, Abi gets handed the money from the car deal and has to hide it.
Something is either wrong with the universe or Tara has ulterior motives because she seems attracted to him.
Lola has noticed something is up with Abi and Jay... and everyone disperses for obvious reasons of plot convenience.
The unlikely flirting between Tara and Billy Idiot continues... just for Kim to walk in and demand payment for looking after Lexi. Allowing Kim to look after a child should be considered a serious form of abuse.
Abi wants an abortion - DUN DUN DUN!
Dexter flirting continues!
It seems Abi's man whore of a father has given her a rather jaded impression of Jay's abilities to provide and be faithful. Quelle surprise!
Poxy invites DCI The Bill to the wedding, to whit Jean says "IF THERE IS A WEDDING!" FORESHADOWING!
Oh and the caravan has been robbed. DUN DUN DUN!
Monday 26 August 2013
Monday 26th August 2013
Jay and Dexter are ready to go off on their trip but Peter seems anxious because of Cyndi 2... and invites himself along on the camping trip and Cyndi 2 wants to go along but she can't.
Lola is fretting about leaving Lexi alone... you can't blame her. Billy Idiot isn't known for his... anything.
Phil insists that nothing should go wrong but already, we've got Lola carrying along about twenty bags. Which doesn't make any sense as they're going away for two days and they're coming back on the train. Then everyone is conveniently distracted. Let's hope no one unwanted sneaks in the boot!
A scene with Jean and DCI The Bill - where he alludes to her being in a manic episode but is obviously oblivious to it.
The kids are off on their roadtrip. Oh, the excitement! Billy gets distracted by a woman of average looks going into the B&B.
Abi seems to be in a bit of a mood and dohohoh, no one has a wire to connect their phone - uh, wouldn't it be able to connect via wireless or bluetooth?
Alfie confronts Jean about her being happy and he gets around to telling her that she needs to tell DCI The Bill about her bipolar disorder. That seems far too sensible.
The tedious car journey continues but ohoh. THEY'RE LOST! If only most cars like this had satnav! Or if only Phil had printed out a map. Fortunately, Peter is capable of working this all out in a second but then to add to the comedy hijinks the car gets stuck in the mud and if you guessed that someone got sprayed with it, you've shown how unimaginative the writers are... Lola is the victim of this cliche but Peter is on-hand to be her knight in shining armour and shows off the real reason why he was hired - his manly body... which both Abi and Lola take notice of.
Jean finally confesses... to not liking strawberries and then tells off Alfie for having the audacity to suggest she be honest.
In a plot twist that was telegraphed on Friday, you'll never guess who was able to remain perfectly still and silent in the boot the entire time. Yup, Cyndi 2, electric boogaloo is in the New Forest with the rest of DA YOUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!
The woman of average looks finds Billy Idiot in the B&B to repay Kim and she seems improbably taken with Walford's biggest loser.
Dexter is flirting with a tavern wench - goodness.
Jay tells Abi she has to go to uni but HERE COMES THE INEVITABLE PREGNANCY SCARE!
Lola is fretting about leaving Lexi alone... you can't blame her. Billy Idiot isn't known for his... anything.
Phil insists that nothing should go wrong but already, we've got Lola carrying along about twenty bags. Which doesn't make any sense as they're going away for two days and they're coming back on the train. Then everyone is conveniently distracted. Let's hope no one unwanted sneaks in the boot!
A scene with Jean and DCI The Bill - where he alludes to her being in a manic episode but is obviously oblivious to it.
The kids are off on their roadtrip. Oh, the excitement! Billy gets distracted by a woman of average looks going into the B&B.
Abi seems to be in a bit of a mood and dohohoh, no one has a wire to connect their phone - uh, wouldn't it be able to connect via wireless or bluetooth?
Alfie confronts Jean about her being happy and he gets around to telling her that she needs to tell DCI The Bill about her bipolar disorder. That seems far too sensible.
The tedious car journey continues but ohoh. THEY'RE LOST! If only most cars like this had satnav! Or if only Phil had printed out a map. Fortunately, Peter is capable of working this all out in a second but then to add to the comedy hijinks the car gets stuck in the mud and if you guessed that someone got sprayed with it, you've shown how unimaginative the writers are... Lola is the victim of this cliche but Peter is on-hand to be her knight in shining armour and shows off the real reason why he was hired - his manly body... which both Abi and Lola take notice of.
Jean finally confesses... to not liking strawberries and then tells off Alfie for having the audacity to suggest she be honest.
In a plot twist that was telegraphed on Friday, you'll never guess who was able to remain perfectly still and silent in the boot the entire time. Yup, Cyndi 2, electric boogaloo is in the New Forest with the rest of DA YOUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!
The woman of average looks finds Billy Idiot in the B&B to repay Kim and she seems improbably taken with Walford's biggest loser.
Dexter is flirting with a tavern wench - goodness.
Jay tells Abi she has to go to uni but HERE COMES THE INEVITABLE PREGNANCY SCARE!
Friday 23 August 2013
Friday 23rd August 2013
Phil walks into the caffffffffff to be threatened by Shirley - who having waited months to extort money from Phil now wants her money TODAY!
Billy Idiot is being an idiot as Lola fusses around the house.
Abi is consigned to failure despite the fact she could do resits or go to a different university.
Phil - being the kind of man who can get things done and is an economic powerhouse is frantically selling things and this means Dexter can't go on holiday. DUN DUN DUN!
Max acts like a petulant child toward Kirstie because she won't believe him about Carl and then when Carl turns up to buy a car (after Kirstie having commented he'd sold none - yeah, for about two years), Max chases him off.
Wow. Lola's social worker acting like a human being and being nice.
Phil gives Shirley a grand and she seems surprised. In another astute observation that seems a little TOO aware - she says that Phil and Grant thought they were the Cray twins... except she never even met Grant and it seems unlikely Phil would blab about his criminal dealings. To the surprise of no one, Shirley isn't impressed with the money and Phil skulks off, attracting the attention of Carl.
Dexter reveals he isn't going on holiday to his father and Jay... ONOES!
Having listened in Carl, asks Shirley about her Phil problem and after she declines to give him any meaningful answer has a little smile on his face.
Cyndi 2 is being babysat by Lucy and... Lucy is apparently friends with Lola now? Or maybe they're just united by their dislike of Cyndi 2.
Oh no, Lola can't go on the holiday either. It's all falling apart! If only anyone cared.
Carl visits Phil and says he isn't all that and a bag of chips, despite what he had previously thought. Clearly part of his plan.
Sam has a solution to Dexter's holiday disaster. Yawn.
Phil is clearly doing some dodgy deals due to desperation!
Somehow Dexter is able to persuade King Phil to allow both him AND Jay to drive the car to the New Forest... it really isn't that far.
Similarly, Sam sets Billy to getting Lola back on the holiday.
Shirley is throwing darts very hard at a dartboard because she's angry at Phil - there's a change!
Time for Kirstie to give Lauren another pep talk! Yawn.
Jean, has stopped listening to Shirley and is now talking to her. Oh and then Jean tells her there's someone for everyone - which leads to Shirley lashing out and saying all men are bastards, just looking for an excuse to leave you. If the woman is Shirley, then the question isn't when they'll leave, it's why they got with her. Jean leaves, rather hurt.
ANOTHER pep talk. Yawn. Billy Idiot woos Lola into going on holiday.
King Phil was in his counting house, counting all his money... which is in one of those dirt cheap hotel safes behind a picture. ORIGINAL!
The holiday is back on! Who cares?
Max shakes his fist at Carl before getting a telling off from Kirstie for neglecting his daughter. He then goes off to confront Abi about this in the Vic but as it turns out, Lauren to the rescue because she's worked out that Abi can still become a vet... something Abi should have known... honestly, if you're going that route - you might as well just do resits - it's just so unlike Eastenders to be even slightly realistic though... it's just a shame that it was used as a stupid reason for more drama.
Phil gives Shirley two grand and that seems to please her well enough. This whole debacle seems to have put him in a mood as he tries to intimidate the ever polite Carl, who drives off very slowly in his new car. RIVETTING!
Billy Idiot is being an idiot as Lola fusses around the house.
Abi is consigned to failure despite the fact she could do resits or go to a different university.
Phil - being the kind of man who can get things done and is an economic powerhouse is frantically selling things and this means Dexter can't go on holiday. DUN DUN DUN!
Max acts like a petulant child toward Kirstie because she won't believe him about Carl and then when Carl turns up to buy a car (after Kirstie having commented he'd sold none - yeah, for about two years), Max chases him off.
Wow. Lola's social worker acting like a human being and being nice.
Phil gives Shirley a grand and she seems surprised. In another astute observation that seems a little TOO aware - she says that Phil and Grant thought they were the Cray twins... except she never even met Grant and it seems unlikely Phil would blab about his criminal dealings. To the surprise of no one, Shirley isn't impressed with the money and Phil skulks off, attracting the attention of Carl.
Dexter reveals he isn't going on holiday to his father and Jay... ONOES!
Having listened in Carl, asks Shirley about her Phil problem and after she declines to give him any meaningful answer has a little smile on his face.
Cyndi 2 is being babysat by Lucy and... Lucy is apparently friends with Lola now? Or maybe they're just united by their dislike of Cyndi 2.
Oh no, Lola can't go on the holiday either. It's all falling apart! If only anyone cared.
Carl visits Phil and says he isn't all that and a bag of chips, despite what he had previously thought. Clearly part of his plan.
Sam has a solution to Dexter's holiday disaster. Yawn.
Phil is clearly doing some dodgy deals due to desperation!
Somehow Dexter is able to persuade King Phil to allow both him AND Jay to drive the car to the New Forest... it really isn't that far.
Similarly, Sam sets Billy to getting Lola back on the holiday.
Shirley is throwing darts very hard at a dartboard because she's angry at Phil - there's a change!
Time for Kirstie to give Lauren another pep talk! Yawn.
Jean, has stopped listening to Shirley and is now talking to her. Oh and then Jean tells her there's someone for everyone - which leads to Shirley lashing out and saying all men are bastards, just looking for an excuse to leave you. If the woman is Shirley, then the question isn't when they'll leave, it's why they got with her. Jean leaves, rather hurt.
ANOTHER pep talk. Yawn. Billy Idiot woos Lola into going on holiday.
King Phil was in his counting house, counting all his money... which is in one of those dirt cheap hotel safes behind a picture. ORIGINAL!
The holiday is back on! Who cares?
Max shakes his fist at Carl before getting a telling off from Kirstie for neglecting his daughter. He then goes off to confront Abi about this in the Vic but as it turns out, Lauren to the rescue because she's worked out that Abi can still become a vet... something Abi should have known... honestly, if you're going that route - you might as well just do resits - it's just so unlike Eastenders to be even slightly realistic though... it's just a shame that it was used as a stupid reason for more drama.
Phil gives Shirley two grand and that seems to please her well enough. This whole debacle seems to have put him in a mood as he tries to intimidate the ever polite Carl, who drives off very slowly in his new car. RIVETTING!
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