Friday 12th July 2013

It seems Ian is rejecting any help for his hand - leading Lucy to conclude he is going mental again.

Liam's trial is about to happen and who should walk in while Bianca is angsting about this but the boy himself... what happened to all the "we won" talk, eh? It just shows you how hollow those claims of victory were - so insubstantial and hyperbolic that even the Crayon Crew is back tracking on them.

Ohoh, it seems that they're trying to set up Cora and Patrick - this involves setting the two up to meet at the allotment while lying to Betty. DUN DUN DUN!

Michael is moving back in... Joey is not best pleased at this news.

So, finally Peter manages to browbeat Ian into admitting there's a problem and they actually get to sorting the problem. Peter suggests that the only way to pay-off Carl is Lucy and then, Ian has a cunning plan!

Dexter is struggling with the prospect of his father departing because of those car parts arriving - he doesn't have to leave, Dexter. You can fix his car and he can stay...

Liam requires a peptalk from Bianca before his trial but that doesn't work.

Ian's genius plan apparently involves wining and dining Evil Lucy!

Janine is already getting Hollyoaks to do her dirty work by evicting people from her flats - why would he do that, isn't he an investor or something?

Patrick and Cora arrive at the allotment so close together they must have been going up the path hand-in-hand but as soon as they enter, they're locked in... because that isn't the most hackneyed ruse in writing.

Lil' Liam needs ANOTHER peptalk, this time it's from Shirley. Her line of reasoning is a bit dubious - Liam didn't stab her, therefore he should testify.

Evil Lucy seems concerned about her father's announcement but Peter placates her.

It seems Shirley's peptalk worked and it's off to court for Liam.

Joey not wanting Michael in the house results in him shouting at Alice.

Using her keen detective skills, Cora deduces that her predicament is down to Kim and Abi but Patrick doesn't seem too worried as there is rum.

Joey comes to threaten Michael but that battle of wits is predictably short and allows Michael to get back to google stalking Mr. Hollyoaks, who we then see putting something through Billy Idiot's letter box... and why he's stupid enough to leave a convertible Ferrari sitting around in Walford is anyone's guess, two seconds and that thing would be keyed, two minutes and it wouldn't have any wheels.

Patrick and Cora get their own back on their matchmakers by pretending to kiss as Kim and Abi enter, which makes them run off for some reason but this leads to the revelation that Patrick actually DOES want to be with Cora. That might be what they call dramatic irony.

It seems that Mr. Hollyoaks has been telling porkies and Michael is only too happy to tell Janine that she is being led up the garden path.

Sam and Dexter do some more reconciliation, with Sam giving Dexter the keys to his flat. He certainly came around pretty quickly.

The trial went just fine, it seems... oh and Masood is off somewhere...

Mr. Hollyoaks manages to get rid of Janine's trouble tenants and then is forced to fess up but Janine seems fine.

Ian's clever plan is to just ask Evil Lucy for the money. Unsurprisingly, she doesn't react well to being led on and after the requisite amount of shouting - storms off... So, that was Ian's genius plan? Just asking her straight up for money? Actually, Lucy brings up Ian not going to the police, that seems like a pretty valid point although Ian's defence now seems to have moved to it being his word against Carl's... surely the pilfered cash is a factor in this recalcitrance to involve the authorities?

Thursday 11th July 2013

Jack has a go at Michael for using all the shampoo and bodywash.

Ian is giving out stuff in front of the restaurant for some reason and then does his best dramatic gulp when Sam gives him a quote for the repairs. Oh, if ONLY he had some kind of POLICY that was INSURANCE against this! Wait! He does! He's just not using that money because he's an idiot.

Speaking of the restaurant, Jean is still brooding - sufficiently that Poxy notices.

Jack has another go at Michael, who says he's going to move back  in with Janine.

Ian takes to the streets, selling his croissants and such... cue him looking suspicious when Carl goes by and then obviously lying to Peter.

It seems that the new comer Betty is quite taken with Patrick.

Tiff has fallen in love - which has prevented her from eating, it seems.

Michael attempts to schmooze Janine but Mr. Hollyoaks appears. DUN DUN DUN!

Kirstie is still trying to pursue Max and is rebuffing Carl... yawn.

Sam has a brilliant plan - drinks in the Vic with Ava and Dexter... what could possibly go wrong?

It seems a dance with Betty has tired old Patrick out. He's not too keen on her sedate tastes.

Michael gets the lowdown on Mr. Hollyoaks. DUN DUN DUN!

Bianca moans when Carol - having divined that Tiffany is in love - implies she's a bad mother... It would appear she missed the part where her son joined a gang and got stabbed.

Jean is fretting about her wrongdoing but Dr. Kat is on hand to prescribe some time in the allotments for that.

Janine and Michael do some more game playing, this time with Mr. Hollyoaks being the piece.

Patrick - being a grown man in the twilight of his life - requires advice from Kim on how to tell Betty he's not interested.

Dexter doesn't react well to his father's proposal... there's a surprise!

It's time for a polite menacing interlude, brought to you by Carl. The incredibly slow Ian is finally told by the man himself that he didn't do anything to the restaurant and seems positively shocked... why would he kill the goose that laid the golden egg? Oh and somehow mentioning Kirstie makes Carl backoff?

It seems Mr. Hollyoaks is sufficiently smooth talking to keep Janine onside...

Michael makes up with Half-Day Alice for about the hundredth time... yawn.

Kim is trying to matchmake Patrick and Cora with all the guile of a twelve year old.

A trip to the allotment sorts Jean's brain right out.

In addition to being forgiven by her, Half-Day Alice also welcomes the perpetually petulant Michael back into her home... that's nice of her.

The polite menacing Carl comes back... it seems mentioning Kirstie was not the best of ideas. In fact, it was such a bad idea that it has escalated Carl into a situation that could endanger Ian's physical well being... although, he seems more confused than afraid.

What better place for Jean to find a fellow loon than the allotment, eh? Jean seems less than heartened by his unsolicited advice.

Ian runs home to run his hand under the tap, which allows Peter to see his burns... if only he could go to the police, eh?

Tuesday 9th July 2013

It seems Dexter's childish outburst last night was more than an ideal threat and unlike everyone else in Walford, he's actually packed... and more than just an overnight bag... that is quite the miracle.

Sharon returns to a suitable greeting from Shirley, who suggests that she thought she and her oft forgotten son were gone for good "Wishful thinking." replies Sharon as her hair tries to decide how stupid it's going to look this episode (moderate with a possibility of very rising later)... Don't we know it?

Being a comic relief character, Kim has apparently - just as the tedium of Wimbledon is over - decided to rename the B&B... although, it's hard to tell if she's saying that Andy Murray HAS won or is GOING to win because of her poor diction and worse syntax... but these occasional intrusions of the real world are so arbitrary and detached that they stick out like a sore thumb.

Is Tiffany looking different? She's excited for the return of her brother.

Kat makes sure to sensitively ask Jean if she's alright - JUST KIDDING! One off comment and it's "ARE YOU OFF YOUR MEDS?!" in a barely contained shriek that passes for her inside voice and then she seems very surprised that the village mad woman scurries off like a puppy threatened with a rolled up newspaper.

It seems like Ava has chosen her son - definitely the wrong decision... Sam seems to take it rather well though.

Patrick/Cora subplot but the course of true romance doesn't run smooth as Patrick is friends with another woman!

Sharon and Dot are having a chinwag but it turns out that this is just Sharon fishing for a place to stay.

Kat confides in Bianca that Jean is being a village mad woman to which Bianca just shrugs and says she's Jean... such a progressive attitude to mental health issues in Walford... if it was the nineteenth century.

Oh, what's this? A Dexter/Sam scene without shouting?! The bookies will be paying out big on that and it seems Dexter is having second thoughts.

Peter seems to think he can deal with Carl - why? And the idea that it might not have been Carl is floated but immediately dismissed.

Dexter forgets that in the game of fathers, deadbeat dad always loses to dead dad... which you'd think he'd remember given the fact he's had the same exact conversation with Jay a dozen times and Jay's had the same exact reaction each and every time.

Cora really isn't too fond of Patrick's new friend - as she doesn't drink and bakes cakes! DUN DUN DUN!

Sharon reassures Ian that he'll have the restaurant back on track soon and then Ian says he's tired, fearing another breakdown. Then Jean bursts in, only to be yanked back outside by Bianca... and for some reason, Sharon turns down the offer of free accommodation despite needing it. So, she'll go fishing for it from Dot but won't take a freely given offer from her oldest and best friend? That makes sense.

Abi tries to help Dexter by telling her how awful her father is...

Cora gets her marching orders from Patrick who has had enough of her snide comments.

Bianca finally admits that she thinks bipolar disorder renders Jean as stupid as her ex-husband... although, given how mental illness is written in Eastenders that's a lot closer to the truth in Eastenders than it is in reality and then Kat comes in and finds out about the hijinks in the restaurant. The inevitable shouting match ensues as Liam comes home, just as Bianca shows what an insufferable bitch she is... she's not

Having managed without Sharon's management for the past several weeks, it seems only logical that she can walk back into her old job - no questions asked... well, except for "are you clean"?

Peter asks his father if he has talked to Carl and when told the recently released criminal has just backed off ten grand, he IMMEDIATELY believes him... because criminals don't care that much about money!

Dexter walks in to see his mother crying and so begins his mad dash to find Sam... if only some kind of instantaneous long distance communication device had been invented for use in a situation like this!

Bianca assures Liam that the trial for his stabbing will be just fine! They've had all the bad lucky they're going to have.

And... just like that, Sam and Dexter are reconciled... kind of. At least Ava is happy.

Monday 8th July 2013

Dexter gets the week off as it means to continue as he shouts at Sam until Ava suggests he leave.

Ian is trying to say he can pay for the damage to the restaurant despite the fact Evil Lucy knows full well he hasn't got two pennies to rub together. Then it turns out the police are coming to visit!

Ava tries to explain herself to Dexter but he's too shouty to listen to reason, insisting that his mother end things with Sam.

It seems Dexter is taking time out from work to hassle his mother and unfortunately, the ever changeable Phil is not in a forgiving mood!

Meanwhile, Ian - thinking that Carl was trying to send him a message - assures him that it wasn't his idea to get the fuzz involved as he looks suitably baffled... which causes some concern for Jean. Although, apparently not quite enough for her to curl up into a ball on the pavement. Shirley just tells her to keep quiet though.

Ava explains that breaking up with Sam is quite difficult and Dexter does some more shouting. At least he's consistent.

At the restaurant, Ian does one of his more subtle guilty acts as he tries to deflect everything regarding the fire in as obvious and as suspicious a manner as possible. Fortunately, new head Peter is on hand to give some useful information.

Michael seems to be involving Half-Day Alice in his game.

Dexter doesn't seem too happy to find out Ava knew about his mother's philandering but she's having none of it.

Bianca's attempts to climb the greasy pole of Walford's worst woman resume as she gives another few choruses of "poor me, poor me" to Shirley. Their loud chat comes to a stop when Peter comes in to the cafffffffff and when Shirley tries to reassure Bianca by inquiring about the investigation, it seems Peter is out for BLOOOOOD! Then Evil Lucy says that Ian's apparent obliviousness to the event was how his illness started last time.

Before King Phil comes to drag Dexter to his job - a truly shocking occurrence in Walford - Ava tells him that his constant shouting isn't going to get him anywhere... That advice is likely to fall on deaf ears in Walford.

Bianca pleads some more for Jean to lie just as the fuzz appear.

Oh, goodness - a mention of Lauren!

It seems that Peter has become something of the amateur detective and it looks as if he's favouring Twitney as his prime suspect. This logically leads him to Bianca, who is understandably defensive on the topic and her own alibi further confirms Peter's suspicions and when he runs off to tell the police about this Bianca shouts out that it wasn't Twitney... oops.

King Phil is still in mother hen mode again but gives Dexter the advice everyone should have given him by now - shut the hell up about your father, no one cares.

The police are putting the pressure on Twitney but she's unable to explain why Bianca might have said she  was home when she was out. DUN DUN DUN!

Ian is apparently so stupid that despite now having a crime number, he isn't even going to claim on the insurance... why? Even if he thinks this was Carl putting "the frightners" on him, why wouldn't he claim on his  insurance? How does a police investigation create bad PR? Why doesn't he tell anyone about Carl?! All of these questions and more will never be answered!

Peter - having just told the idiotic Ian - suspects Twitney and marches around for the standard shouty confrontation. For some reason Ian pops in, presumably to stop fisticuffs between Peter and Tyler.

Dexter pops in the Vic to call out Sam for a final shouty battle.

Ian FINALLY comes clean to Peter about the blackmail about damned time.

Speaking of confessions, Bianca confesses to Twitney that she was responsible for the damage at the restaurant... Twitney is not best pleased.

Sam appears at Dexter's house and is greeted by what else but Dexter shouting. That's about it. No doubt this will be happening again several times though, so no need to worry if you missed anything!

Shirley, Bianca and Jean all breathe a collective sigh of relief at the fact Ian has dropped the case due to extreme levels of idiocy and then Bianca tries to rewrite history by saying that she did it because Ian was trash talking Twitney... which is a lie and also doesn't really excuse letting Twitney take the blame.

Max gets the wedding ring back from Kirstie... so much for that relationship.

Sam tries to schmooze the eternally shouty Dexter but just when it seems things are going well, the shouty one ends the episode as he began it - shouting. The shouting of an ultimatum - Dexter or Sam... given how insufferable Dexter has been, that seems like a no-brainer.

Friday 5th July 2013

Ava tells Dexter some porkies about her whereabouts last night, covering for her liaison with Sam by pretending she had a night out with the girls...

Bianca is paranoid about Jean spilling her guts about their expensive hijinks in the restaurant but Shirley doesn't seem too worried. Which is probably the wrong attitude as a shoeless Jean is curled up on the ground outside.

Is Joey flirting with Evil Lucy? Goodness.

Denise instructs Ian on how to act like a normal human being before he fatefully says to Sam that he's "on top of everything" and leaves the B&B with a smile on his face.

Michael comes a knockin' to see his wife - insert generic sparring dialogue.

While the gibbering Jean looks on anxiously, Ian tempts fat again by saying he has everything under control. Apparently his sprinkler system really IS set to Biblical flood because it's STILL GOING! Ian takes it a lot better than expected, he doesn't SAY anything, he just retrieves the bookings and seems to deduce that Carl is behind this.

Cora gives Ava another Sam related ultimatum.

Michael comes to lean on Billy Idiot again.

Bianca and Shirley - keen not to rouse suspicion - are standing across from the restaurant, loudly discussing what happened... and then they find Jean. Bianca is still inexplicably on the "Ian deserves what he got" side of things and Shirley doesn't appear to have any concept of a little thing called water damage and of course, both of them seem completely ignorant of Jean's mental illness.

Oh, that might be the last mention of Lauren - blink and you'll miss it.

Ava looks to be buying time to explain her relationship with Sam to Dexter... let's see how that goes.

Kat comes for one of her now regular heart-to-hearts with Michael where she goes on about the game playing, at which point Michael makes note of the fact that her and Alfie aren't really a grounds for comparison because they aren't both evil. That is hilarious.

Ian hasn't called the police... and more hilariously, Denise suggests the reason to do this is to find out who was responsible... yeah, it's not as if the police just give you crime numbers over the phone these days... the little matter of the insurance though, which would require a crime number...

Patrick tries his luck with Cora... DENIED!

Denise seems to understand how insurance works, which makes you wonder why she didn't make the point about insurance to Ian rather than the hilarious notion the police might catch the perpetrators.

Jean, Shirley and Bianca are in the Vic loudly discussing their guilt and ever the upstanding citizen, Bianca's thoughts turn to how terrible all of this is for HER... sorry, you don't get any sympathy by playing the single mother card when you earlier wished ruin on Ian and then having seen said ruination visited upon Ian, seemed to think it a reasonable fate - at this point we should be look into something rather more punitive than punishment, perhaps removing a hand or foot?

Janine walks in and immediately wants to call the police - apparently having the police investigate is bad for business though! Uh... why? Oh and Evil Lucy backs Ian up on this ludicrous point, even as Ian offers to pay for all the damage. Oh and Janine showing a startling degree of sense, ignores Ian and Evil Lucy and calls the police.

Billy Idiot tells Michael that the reason Janine returned is that he told her Michael wanted her. DUN DUN DUN!

Sam tells Ava that she should tell Dexter about them but obviously, THAT would be too simple for Walford...

Cora decides to go dancing with Patrick after all, then acts with barely concealed rage when he's found another dance partner after she slammed the door in his face... Good grief, Cora - keep this up and women won't be allowed to vote.

Could it be that Michael's game playing is at an end as he goes around to tell Janine that he won't be all up in her business anymore and that he thinks she'll be a good mother and that he's even missed her. He walks out and tells Kat that he has made Janine fall in love with him again. Talk about conceited.

Sam and Ava worble on but are interrupted by the arrival of Dexter, which immediately leads to shouting. Incomprehensible shouting, from which it seems reasonable to deduce that Dexter is not best pleased but this is before Ava and Sam holds hands to signify the fact they are together.

Thursday 4th July 2013

Ian emerges from the kitchen for but a moment before going back in - with some vaguely heard shouting. Realising Ian is an emotional cripple, Denise steps in to help. At this point, things seem to have turned nasty because everyone seems to be taking Ian's "I could kiss you" statement a bit too literally. Perhaps more perplexingly, instead of trying to assert that he was speaking figuratively - most likely because that would entail the kind of common sense that is anathema to Walfordian melodrama - we have Jean jumping to the conclusion that she was to be part of some love triangle because of Ian's sexual inadequacy, which leads to Ian being suitably scathing and telling Jean she's employed purely out of sympathy. Predictably, Jean walks out and Ian designates Twitney to hold the fort (she has taken to calling Ian a perv now, for some reason) but remarkably expresses her inability to do the job of a professional chef and... she's fired.

It seems that Sam is still pursuing Ava but she isn't biting.

Carl makes comment to Ian that the restaurant is empty - wait... wasn't he supposed to be fully booked? That was quick. Also... is Ian going to settle on a personality?

Jack seems a little skeptical about Michael's master plan to bring back Janine with reverse psychology - sufficiently so to put his money where his mouth is!

Having been out of her job for less than five minutes, Jean is now propping up the bar in the Vic while Twitney says Ian is a perv about twenty times. OK! We get it, jeez - enough with the ham fists people of Jewish and Islamic persuasions might not take kindly to their usage. Then Jean starts going on about horoscopes and despite having earlier mentioned her history of mental illness, no one seems to think this might be a symptom of her illness (and it could be, while Jean has bipolar disorder this is Eastenders and so in practice her symptoms could include everything from not being able to read properly to thinking she's George Washington) as she rambles on about horoscopes and destiny.

Oh, miracle of miracles - Jack has remembered he has kids! Amusingly, Michael says he has the right idea by being an absentee father.

Night has fallen - although, it's not really clear how much time has past since Jean's firing - and apparently Ian didn't even try and do a service... despite the fact he's been saying he was fully booked everyday... Anyway, he locks up and heads out when who should come stumbling in but Shirley, Jean and Bianca. For reasons of plot contrivance - Shirley insists that they not switch the lights on (lest half of Walford want their dinner, apparently) and instead uses one of those candle lighting things... Jean tells her that her horoscope warned about this, at which point Shirley tells her that back in the day they'd have burned her as a witch. WRONG! Witches were never burned in England, they were hanged - schoolboy error.

Just how long HAS passed? Sam and Ava are still in the Vic and he's JUST broached the topic of her standing him up and that was at lunch time. It's just past midsummer, so that must have been one hell of an awkward silence.

Shirley has lit enough candles to celebrate Tutankhamun's birthday... and there's still no real explanation of why there was the necessity to break and enter to retrieve Jean's handbag under cover of darkness... Couldn't she have waited until tomorrow? Oh right, that's logic - oops. There's some justification of their thievery from Ian and then the discussion of his frequenting a prostitute - namely Janine.

It seems Michael is finally willing to reveal that he wants Janine back on the Square to Billy Idiot of all people. Billy is being true to his name... but if he has been fired... why is he still in Janine's house, eh? It's not really surprising that Michael sees right through him.

Ian attempts to apologise to Denise - the scene could have done without Kim's comic relief... but then that's a more general comment about the character than anything.

It seems that Shirley and Bianca have found and lit every candle in the entire restaurant and then some - Jean warns of THE PROPHECY OF DOOM again, prompting Shirley to feign injury. Goodness, wouldn't it be ironic if the prophecy came to pass?!

Denise describes Ian pointing out that he didn't kiss Jean as "weaseling"... good grief, let's just put him on the sex offenders register and be done with it, shall we? Oh and then Denise says it's time for a break! Cue Ian's sob story about his trials and travails and doing what he did to win Denise over in the first place - being utterly pathetic... and hey, it works!

Shirley has now decided that Ian is responsible for Ben going off the rails, murdering 'ev and her whole life being generally awful... If you don't like living in the B&B - get a flat! Although this is wild conjecture and totally unsubstantiated by anything approaching a fact, both Bianca and Jean immediately decide Ian doesn't deserve his current success. One predictable accident later and the restaurant is ablaze!

Despite the extremely reasonable question being asked as to why Janine would want to return to Walford, she has indeed returned and Billy Idiot has got his job back for the umpteenth time because he recorded Michael saying he wanted her back on the Square.

Shirley and Bianca manage to put out the fire but someone just has to go and say "it doesn't look too bad"... as Jean says they have to tidy up, we find out that the sprinkler system and fire alarm seems to have a comedy timing delay... Also, somewhat bafflingly - the sprinkler system causes the electrics to short out... isn't that the kind of thing you generally want to avoid when you're building somewhere? Anyway, an inexplicably drunken Kim (given that we saw her stone cold sober not very long ago - but then it only took long forgotten Lauren about thirty seconds) staggers past as water cascades out the front door. Good grief! Did they have the sprinkler system set to Biblical? Needless to say, it's the kind of OTT stuff with absolutely no basis in reality as commonly understood that the show has been missing - unintentionally hilarious... Next up, will Ian have forgotten to get insurance or will he be trying insurance fraud?! If he doesn't get a pay-out though, it will be priceless given that the Vic got one almost immediately.

Tuesday 2nd July 2013

Having dealt with the very serious issue of alcohol dependence over the last few weeks, it should come as a surprise to no one that with the departure (and imminent forgetting) of Lauren... that Michael is making sure to hydrate himself with plenty of neat whiskey.

Billy Idiot is on the phone to Janine and tells a whopper! He says he knows what reticent means... Anyway, porkies aside Janine is instructing him to make it appear as if she's back to mess with Michael... and she is orchestrating this from a room with "windows" that have images of the houses of parliament... so she's clearly no in London and just feeling a little homesick... for the most stereotypically touristy view of the city.

Jean continues her descent into village mad woman - not helped by Ian who is back to the old penny pinching miser, quick to bully those he can but then back to understanding Ian fast enough to give you whiplash... if Ian is supposed to have picked up bipolar disorder or some such because of his trampoid breakdown, it's worth pointing out that bipolar disorder. DOESN'T. WORK. THAT. WAY.

Michael menaces Billy Idiot, who eventually divulges Janine's location. Apparently this is just part of her diabolical plan... which Michael seems to realise and then he gets to thinking about this being a trap... but Alice is there to tell him that Janine probably still loves him and if he loves Scarlet, he should go anyway. Oh and Billy Idiot is described as "a weapons grade moron". Priceless.

Jean is moaning to Shirley and has decided that Ian is now pursuing her romantically. Which she knows because of her horoscope. Knowing that Jean suffers a long history of being the village mad woman, instead of trying to be constructive... Shirley's advice is to "slap him down".

It turns out the whole Square is now awash with gossip about Kirstie and Dot comes to tell her, it's OK...

Cora and Ava are doing the bonding thing again, where Cora makes some none too subtle insinuations  about her current dalliance with Sam.

Ian is making some statements to Jean that could be read as flirtatious.

Billy Idiot is explaining how much of an idiot to Janine as she laments the fact her elaborate plan to lure Michael to the hotel has failed but thanks to dramatic timing, in comes Michael! Oh and Billy gets fired for about the hundredth time.

Cora presents Ava an ultimatum! Tell Dexter about her and Sam or end it!

The travails of Pointless Poppy being the salon manager! Her and Half-Day Alice having a conversation about this... isn't nature supposed to abhor a vacuum?

Carl reminds us that he's still there by putting the moves on Kirstie.

Time for some Michael and Janine to play some games.

Carl comes to menace Ian politely again, just before he and Denise have dinner... prompting Jean to make some unfounded comments about Denise based on her current flight of fancy.

Half-Day Alice's stealing is back! Sort of. She picks up some hundreds and thousands, then puts them back... while Shirley has her face on till.

Janine finally asks a valid question - what POSSIBLE reason could she have for going back to Square? Michael's answer? Him!

Jean is going mad about her souffle but after some more asinine behaviour from Ian and commentary from Pointless Poppy, it's fine... the reaction this prompts is Walford's equivalent to putting a man on the moon. OK, it takes a little practice to get a souffle to rise but for a professional chef it shouldn't be seen as an achievement. This prompts Ian to snap back to being nice and he grabs hold of Jean and says to her TWICE that he could kiss her, prompting a slap. Strangely enough, neither Twitney nor Pointless Poppy laugh at this.

Michael's plan is to threaten divorce, tell Janine to stay away from the Square and then abscond. This prompts Janine to say "We're leaving"... why is she getting the nanny to move the suitcases? Surely that's something you could get a hotel porter to do? But now the question is - is Janine going to the Caribbean or back to Walford?!