Tuesday 30th July 2013

Tango Twitney returns to be moody to Bianca and Carol.

Ian's inspired attempts to win back his daughter fail worse than putting out a fire with petrol.

Brace yourselves - TWITNEY SLEPT WITH JOEY! Shocking, eh? Did not see that coming...

DCI The Bill comes round to woo Jean... and she tries to conceal her bipolar disorder. Come on, Jean - he has to have realised you aren't quite right in the head by now.

Tango Twit is fixating on Tony's death as Bianca tries to get her to lie about cheating on Tyler. That can't possibly go wrong!

Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur has to apologise to Pointless Poppy for not going to see her but then he can't do it tonight because he's cooking "for da boyuz". DUN DUN DUN!

Bianca and Carol bicker about the Twitney situation, yawn.

Ian gets advice on how to be a human from Denise... he needs that.

The schism between Kat and Bianca deepens because for once, not being on the stall SOMEHOW matters but Bianca couldn't be less interested as she casually liess to Tyler and then goes off to remonstrate Joey. She manages to get him to swear he won't say anything and then certain this is the perfect crime, goes to tell Twitney about her fait accompli. Then she and Kat decide to jack in their stall because of their mutual animosity.

Twitney sees Tyler and is none too happy.

Jean is getting paranoid about DCI The Bill and Kat gives her the advice to toughen up (that really works with mental health issues). Then tells her to do what she thinks before pining after Alfie some.

Aww and Tyler brought flowers for the disillusioned Twitney but perhaps Ava telling her she's got a "good catch" will, that seems to buoy her spirits.

All of a sudden, Kat and Carl are an item... eh, Kat does have form when it comes to using her sex organs as a coping mechanism.

Tamwar gets a telling off from Half-Day Alice - wow, that's a low ebb. He needs to give Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuur and Poppy space.

Jean ends up in the restaurant - dohohoho - resulting in a snide remark from Ian.

Evil Lucy knows Twitney's secret!

Ian seems to think a drink with his daughter will sort everything out!

And an ill judged comment from DCI The Bill seems to indicate he's not au fait with mental illness, talking about someone being carted off to "the funny farm".

Tamwar tells Arfuuuuuuuur to go and see his girlfriend - and really why exactly is Tamwar's well being exclusively Arfuuuuuuuuur's responsibility?

Predictably, Jean doesn't come clean about her mental illness and instead tells DCI The Bill about her role in the restaurant hijinks but he doesn't seem too bothered and then Ian offers her old job back. This bodes ill.

Bianca comes to give Twitney a pep talk about infidelity where - despite Twitney's protestations she insists they maintain the lie.

DCI The bill and Jean share a kiss outside the Vic... oh, this certainly bodes ill.

Evil Lucy and Ian have their reconciliation talk but SURPRISE! She's now going to work for Janine! DUN DUN DUN!

Twitney comes clean to Tyler... thank goodness that didn't last any longer!

Monday 29th July 2013

Twitney has been "fine all weekend" despite finding out the man who molested her just died... she doesn't look fine and that's not just a reference to her David Dickinson complexion but it's all smiles and sunshine when she walks into the kitchen.

Kat berates Count Moonula for not worrying about Alice and engaging in his evil schemes against Janine. He counters by saying that talking about Half-Day Alice is merely her distracting herself from Alfie's wedding.

Masood is back from his jaunt to Pakistan but Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur can stay oh and the pathetic Tamwar plot du jour ensures... even the saintly Arfuuuuuuuuuuur can't help but be sarcastic about the chances of Tamwar succeeding.

Masood pops around to see Carol and we get another look indicating Twitney is not alright.

It seems Peter is back on a mission to help restore the Beale family as he's put in charge of the chippy and lures his sister there under false pretences.

Count Moonula continues his battle of wits with Janine by... taking his daughter to lunch.

Tamwar's attempt to warn people goes as well as expected and Arfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur commiserates before arranging some alone time with Pointless Poppy.

Twitney tries to deal with a child feeling jealous about the imminent birth of a brother or sister, prompting Twitney to have the revelation that you need to "make the best of it". My, my - what a banal sentiment!

Kat goes round to the Vic for some forced dialogue to prove she's

Evil Lucy is guilted into helping her brother and all  it takes is for him to wear a silly hair net.

Twitney's advice has gone awry as the child she advised tries to run off to apologise - fortunately super Joey is there to save the day!

Michael and Janine's boring battle of wits continues!

Kat and Bianca are snapping at one another, so Bianca doesn't listen to Twitney's problem du jour.

Ian returns to see the Beale twins marvelling at their success and that sours Evil Lucy's mood, Peter then tells his father if he's not careful he'll lose her FOREVER... Deja vu...

Kat is dealing with her problems by boozing. Ah, alcohol - now there is a temporary solution. She invites Count Moounula to join her and he sits down to make a strange face.

Twitney is making spag bol for dinner and is crying but pretends it's just the onions, she goes on to posit telling the other kids about Tony's death but Bianca seems adamant that they don't and then the oblivious Tyler takes an emotionally distraught Twitney out at Bianca's behest, with a smile on his face. That boy is dumber than a sack of hammers.

Kat starts going on about Poxy, which prompts Michael to ask why she's getting wound up about it now.

Twitney and Tyler are in the fine dining restraunt... that really doesn't seem like their scene. Then she goes ahead and brings up Tony... and if Tyler wanted to back away anymore, he'd be out the room, off the planet and outside the visible universe. Tyler then goes on to tell Twitney she's too messed up to work with kids, smooth. Oh and then they run out without paying the bill.

If you hadn't worked it out - Tamwar flat out says that he's a joke. Poor, useless Tamwar. It's a shame he's not academically gifted or moderately talented at comedy... oh, right - he probably just forgot those aspects of his personality.

Moonula is off for the next move in his game - Kat snipes at him, only to be rebuffed with a remark about how unbecoming her self-pity is.

Masood tuts at Tamwar about not observing Ramadan (while pretending not to)... wow, it's almost as if the Masoods are practicing Muslims or something! That just seems so unlikely though.

Oh no, has Moonula misjudged, he's late to the community centre and Janine did just fine!

Twitney is in the club and getting hit on by Joey. They might sleep together. After an argument by Tyler. They're probably going to sleep together. He lends a sympathetic ear. They're almost certainly going to sleep together. After Twitney throws herself at Joey and declares that she and Tyler are over, he tells her to reconsider... no force in the UNIVERSE can stop them sleeping together!

Friday 26th July 2013

Twitney is reading her note from Tony when Bianca comes a knockin' to announce a party. DUN DUN DUN!

AJ and Tamwar have some "comedy" sparring as Arfffffffffffffffffffffur leaves the B&B, which apparently upsets Sharon's manakin... Sharon then goes on to moan about the rents... which are all over eight hundred and fifty a month... yet five hundred pounds will cover three times that long AND include all utilities AND breakfast? This surely gives credence to the fact the Crayon Crew are brain damaged or just don't give a damn or possibly don't experience reality as a normal human does or most likely - a combination of all of the above. Patrick suggests sending the freakish abomination to live with Ian and his big belly.

Twitney is pondering whether to go and see her paedophile step-father again... Tyler remains singularly unconcerned about this

What's the Sharon spawn upto?!

Ava upsets Twitney by asking her about her tween years and she runs off.

Evil Lucy is lounging around the house, trash talking her father.

Hijinks seem likely to ensue at The Arches as the yunguns get their hands on a slingshot...

Pointless Poppy has discovered the salon is being sold.

Janine - having said it's OK that Hollyoaks is a chancer - seems concerned that

Carl tries to thank Kirstie with money - classy! She isn't big on that.

Hollyoaks is trying to sell executive flats to Janine... wait, didn't they build executive flats that Bradley tried to sell a few years ago? Or did they just cease to exist? Janine then orders something not on the menu and Ian protests after which Hollyoaks remarks "You get what you want."

Twitney is in prison just after Tyler was asking after her and seems unhappy about Bianca's response... Bianca then making sure to tell Kat she isn't welcome at her party. Good to know they're still BFFs.

Ian makes a show of tearing up Janine's bill but makes sure to tell her she shouldn't push it - good grief, how inconsistent is this character. Sure people can have moods and be mercurial but it's usually not in the amount of spine they show and Ian typically only attempts to act dominant to people who he exercises some measure of power over... that's manifestly not the case with Janine regardless of the fact he knows she was once a whore.

Twitney is perhaps the first person in Eastenders history to not be able to show up at a prison and waltz in to see a prisoner... there is a first time for everything.

Oh, goodness. Dennis smashed a window, perhaps one could consider him... a MENACE! Sharon then remonstrates him and seems keen to assign blame to anyone that isn't her... this isn't particularly surprising given that Sharon bounces back and forth between totally indifference and utterly smothering because she's the most terrible person ever.

Pointless Poppy's dreams of a place of her own are ruined by AJ and Arfffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuur wanting to watch Top Gear... what was she thinking would happen if they moved into the Masood house?

Sharon being the worst human being on the planet, immediately takes the word of her son and then somehow decides that because Dexter Fletcher gave her son (in his account) the slingshot and because it was her fault he misfired and fired a window, it's Dexter who should pay the bill. Fortunately, Ava is there to tell her to get the hell out of there but it's not over, says the world's worst person.

Tango Twitney returns to the Square and Tyler has rumbled her but it seems likely he's dead because of the way things are being telegraphed. Now everyone knows about the letter from Tony because of Tyler's insistence - a great way to foster trust.

Ohoh, Janine is trying to befriend Evil Lucy!

Ready for a shock? Tony is dead. Oh, wait that was obvious as soon as she looked at Tyler... Yawn.

Thursday 25th July 2013

What's this? A previously unknown character in the Square, staring at a house and Bianca notices! Misery Guts isn't too happy about this... also, Liam is still around. Shouldn't he be back with his thick father? Then Bianca has a bit of a cry before Carol declares her intention to go do something.

Sam is leaving the B&B... which has Kim threatening to make a move on Kim. For once, Pointless Poppy shows some concern.

Denise has to deal with Misery Guts Carol, telling she'd deal with Ian. Then proceeds to try and dissuade him from prosecuting Bianca to the fullest extent of the law.

Sam tries to impress Dexter with a jukebox...

Ohoh, the random stranger has a picture of Twitney. DUN DUN DUN!

Tiffany is still obsessing about Bobby Beale, Twitney seems concerned but this is quickly dismissed when Bianca pulls her mother of the year routine by pleading off work...

The creepy vagrant has a letter for Twitney! DUN DUN DUN!

A whole lot of nothing happens...

Twitney sees creepy tramp is stalking her and remembers her job at the community centre... where Ava is apparently working too. Then she goes out and creepy tramp tells her that her paedo step-father (or whatever) still loves her and is a changed man. She relents and gets the letter, which she opens in full sight of Tyler - who asks her and then flounces off.

Bianca is still worrying but Misery Guts Carol for once is being optimistic... that's a bad sign.

Tiffany comes around to visit but Ian doesn't his son associating with the proles. Denise then asks about this and points out Ian is being an idiot, possibly because he's had a system reset to factory default settings. Hell, she pretty much says as much.

Tamwar has something to do but only because Pointless Poppy wants to escape the B&B! Why? Their rent their for central(ish) London is ridiculous.

Denise is bemoaning Ian's reset when he comes in with flowers.

More Sam and Dexter stuff - who cares?

After months of living in the B&B, Poppy's raison d'etre is to escape it!

Dexter worries about the jukebox but PLOT TWIST! Ava loves it!

Ian and Denise have a heart to heart but then they realise Bobby is missing... and he's playing with Tiffany. Oh dear. Ian promptly turns up and sweetens the deal by telling Bianca he's calling the fuzz, despite the fact Tiffany informs him that Bobby thinks he's a pig. Denise begs him not to call the police and then Tiffany and Bianca turn up at the doorstep to apologise. Ian deals with this in a suitably petty manner, which Denise seems to reward him for. Seriously, sacking Twitney just because?

Twitney shows Tyler the letter from paedo Tony and he seems confused as to why she might be emotional about this... wow, this guy is stupid. Then just carries on as if nothing happened.

Oh, there's a surprise - Arffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffur is moving in with the Masoods!

For a family permanently on the brink of financial ruin, the Butchers seem to have got an absolutely enormous  laptop! Oh but Twitney isn't using that - she's applying for a prison visitor order... which probably makes her the first person in Eastenders history who couldn't just turn up.

Tuesday 23rd July 2013

Ian augments the predictable shouting to Jean's revelation with a totally unnecessary flipping over of a table.

Cora and Patrick are having some kind of coffin dodger party that Abi stumbles upon.

Back to the tedium of Ava and Sam!

Carl doesn't seem too pleased at the prospect of coming clean to his mother.

It's Bianca's last day of probation and they're having a party, wouldn't it be a shame if there was a revelation about some recent criminal act.

Ian starts going off at Jean in the usual prosaic manner. Yawn.

Alfie announces his nuptials to Poxy... how exciting!

Cora has lowered herself to thieving from her granddaughter - oh dear. Thankfully she is able to call  in Dot's help.

Jean accidentally reveals she wasn't acting alone and then steams into the Vic just as Hollyoaks buys Poxy a bottle of champagne.

It seems that Carl's maaaaaa is in an old folk's home and upon seeing him, immediately feigns sleep... just to say "boo!" when Kirstie gets near.

RANDOM ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE NEW BORN ROYAL!

Dot is coming across all Biblical at the Branning place.

Ohoh, awkward scene with Dexter dealing with his mother having sex with Sam. Oh dear - at least Sam finds it funny. Oh and he thinks this is the time to ask to move in.

Ian starts interrogating the women of the Square until finally, Shirley declares herself the accomplice when Ian starts leaning on Bianca. Downstairs, King Phil turns up for the rent and with his newfound interest in Shirley who knows where this could lead.

Michael gets all up in Janine and Hollyoaks business.

Dot has gone power mad on her puritanical rampage, prompting Patrick to scoff at Abi's attempt to sort out Cora.

Carl's mother asks Kirstie when the first grandkid is coming - ruhroh!

Kat - being the genius she is - takes the opportunity to remonstrate Bianca for getting Jean into this mess and then when Ian asks a question, runs away to ensure he assumes she's guilty but DUN DUN DUN! King Phil warns him off messing with Shirley.

It seems Dexter is ok with Sam moving in... although he's duckfacing up a storm about it as they play darts.

It seems Carl might have mummy issues because his mother seems to be the abusive type. DUN DUN DUN!

Ian is knock, knock, knocking on Bianca's door.

Cora and Dot are acting like five year olds (not for the first time), until Abi breaks it up.

Ava wants Sam to keep the toilet seat down. DOHOHO!

Hollyoaks scares Count Moonula off with a squeeze of the knee - you'd think he'd be made of sterner stuff.

Cora and Dot are BFFs now! Or the forced BFFs that happen in soaps.

Ian - THE MASTER OF UNLOCKING (or possibly just able to remember that no one locks their doors) - burst in on Bianca and says he's going to the police about her actions... despite the fact he did everything he could to prevent a full scale investigation, so there's going to substantiate the allegations beyonds Jean's confession and you can bet that won't last long!

Monday 22nd July 2013

For reasons best known to himself, Ian is alone in the restaurant looking a bit of a mess when Peter calls.

Cut to the cafffff which is closed again and Jean being her usual fragile self and Ian appears to huff and haw at the cafffffffff not being open.

Turns out the situation with the cafffffffffffffffffffff is all down to Evil Lucy playing games - goodness, who could have foreseen her being spiteful?!

Awkward Michael and Janine scene!

It seems the mysterious mystery of Shirley's situation is over before it has begun as moments after Denise finds a letter to her that is something to do with the Jobseeker's Allowance, we discover her sleeping in the Arches... discovered by King Phil, no less and he is his normal charming self.

Kat seems to take the announcement of Alfie's imminent nuptials in her stride, while he behaves as if he's telling her someone just died... don't get too excited Alfie.

King Phil has had one of his characteristic changes of heart as he treats Shirley to breakfast, offers to let her have a shower and various other things... it's almost as if the man's motivations change faster than the weather!

Kirstie bemoans not finding out about Max's departure... good grief, woman - get some semblance of self-respect.

It turns out all of Jean's problems are down to not having a man in her life! At least Eastenders is consistent.

Shirley asks the ridiculous question of why Phil isn't at work - hahaha. Then she goes on to point out the blood of the Mitchell clan is all but spent. Then after some more backstory, she says that she and Phil weren't the best looking couple ever (ENTER: MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS!) and even more improbably, that she was the best thing to happen to Phil.

Jean goes on her date! It's awkward!

More awkwardness between Michael and Janine!

Ian is politely menaced by Carl but no sooner has that happened than Peter bursts in babbling about a dodgy curry and then Jay is telling him there's someone at the chippie talking about a deep fat frier... He then shuts the caffffffffffffff as he moans about not being able to rely on his family. Oh, no! It's almost as if stealing back the businesses had consequences!

Oh and how terribly original of casting Mr. The Bill as an ex-copper! He and Jean seem to be getting on alright.

Kirstie and Carl are doing their whole "remember the old times", before Kirstie hitting upon some secret from Carl's past. DUN DUN DUN!

It seems Jean is nervous after being reminded Mr. Bill was in the police but he puts the moves on her, resulting in a kiss.

It turns out that staying in central London at the peak of the holiday season at the B&B is super cheap as when Phil turns up to ask why Shirley was kicked out, he hands over five hundred pounds and this is sufficient to secure "two to three months". Denise also tells him that Shirley's benefits were cut... possibly the first instance of any meaningful impact of benefits reform? Anyway, Denise remarks upon the improbability of Phil being a good samaritan - stop pointing out the character inconsistencies!

Carl's secret is that his mother thinks he and Kirstie are still together.

Having had a moment of happiness, Jean is pulled back down to Earth when Evil Lucy offers exposition on Ian's actions since the restaurant was wrecked and this prompts Jean to head off to check on Ian but she's stopped by the bickering of the two shrill haradines, Kat and Bianca (who are no longer BFFs).

Shirley asks Phil for fifty pounds, when he gives her a tenner she says she'd rather go through the bins - well, make up your mind! Anyway, Denise comes around - it turns out that it was Shirley's housing benefit that was the problem and she pretends that it has all been sorted, allowing Shirley to tell Phil a truce will happen over her dead body.

Jean is standing outside the chippie when she hears a fire alarm from the restaurant, running in she finds Ian staring at a pot as if in a trance. She turns the gas off and drops it into the sink before pouring water over it (that's probably ruined the pot) and leading the bewildered Ian out... just one thing. He's in the kitchen... what kind of idiot fits a smoke alarm in a professional kitchen? Those things are heat sensitive, else they'd go off every five minutes. In fact, a second thing - why isn't the restaurant being deluged with water? Or does that only happen when the plot says so?

Kirstie tells Carl, she'll go and see his mum with him but just so they can tell her they've split up - WHAT A TWIST!

Michael and Janine in the Vic together, ohoh - who's that? It's Mr. Hollyoaks... good grief, when did Eastenders become so filled with the cast-offs from other soaps?

Ian rehashes to Jean pretty much exactly what Evil Lucy had said earlier but obviously adds a few extra emotional gut punches to it. As the icing on the cake, he tells Jean he doesn't deserve a friend like her and gives her a hug and this prompts the confession... Ian's explosive reaction to follow.

Friday 19th July 2013

It's Bobby's buuuuufday and the Beale family is still not happy.

Michael moans about Scarlet's birthday to Kat.

Ian tries to build bridges with Peter but to no avail... time for a team talk with Denise, who reminds him about Carl... apparently, that'll be sorted by reunifying the Beale family. Fortunately, Janine comes in and her snide remark prompts Ian to have a good idea... let's hope it's better than the last one which went about as well as trying to put out a fire with petrol.

Bianca chides her love sick daughter... could it be that her paedo ex is involved?

Janine thinks a first birthday needs a big hoorah. She's damaged goods.

Billy Idiot being the pivotal lynchpin of Janine's business empire (who gets fired once or twice a month) is being sent off to the far flung reaches of said empire... which upsets Lola.

Ian suggests a party for the new head  Bobby to win Evil Lucy back but she seems  less than sold.

The eternally poor Lola is looking especially freakish as she bosses Cora and Abi into doing something for Lexi's buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurfday. Who cares?

Michael downsizes his daughter's buuuuuuuurday.

Grandad and Poxy are doing great! Just look at Alfie's face!

Scarlet's birthday requires a Shetland pony.

Oh and it seems EVERYONE is having a birthday party today...  Lexi, Scarlet, Bobby... bad things come in threes.

Looks like Shirley is down to pocket change... it makes you wonder how it came to this. Thank goodness it's all a nebulous mystery that just dropped out of the sky! Ohoh, she's shoplifting!

Oh, looks like the party (for Scarlet) has taken a wrong turn as Janine invited the wrong people. Oops.

At Lexi's party... Lola is looking positively orange. Phil even points out it's not her real birthday - so why the hell is this happening today at the drop of a hat.

Ian tries to use his son's birthday as an opportunity to build bridges, evil Lucy seems less than convinced.

Awkward Kat and Alfie scene!

Ian "apologises" to Evil Lucy... which apparently wins Peter over. Even Lucy seems a little convinced.

It seems even the Crayon Crew realise how stupid this episode is as Bianca comments on the ridiculous prevalence of childrens birthday parties.

Awkward Michael and Janine scene!

It turns out that Tiffany's secret love is Bobby... DUN DUN DUN!

Janine can't handle Michael and her being all family friendly.

Ian and Bianca warn their children off one another and then the ever toxic Sharon turns up and it seems her son is following in her footsteps by thieving one of Bobby's presents on his way out!

Tango Lola finds out they DID sort a party for Lexi... even though it's not her birthday and she'll be too young to remember it, making it all entirely pointless.

Lucy finds out Ian was telling porkies about wanting a party!

Shirley - having money problems as she does - decides the best thing to do is quit her job!

Lucy tells Ian - in essence - that he's dead to her... maybe if she ate something her mood would improve?

Alfie drops the marriage bombshell on Kat. She doesn't take it too well.

Thursday 18th July 2013

Alfie is still playing coy about the divorce to Poxy's chagrin.

Ian's diabolical plan seems to have backfired as the caffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff and stall are both closed.

Kat seems shocked at the notion Jean could have a relationship.

Shirley starts picking a fight with Sharon... for some reason, despite not paying, Kim hasn't kicked her out... but then, she's an idiot.

Primo parent Max is unaware that his daughter has finished her exams and is also incapable of making her breakfast without making a big mess and having a bit of a tantrum.

Ian seems surprised his progeny aren't working after his underhanded tactics - something Denise informs him of - just as Carl indicates his desire for money, ever so politely.

Janine and Michael game playing! Can't they play Team Fortress 2? It would be more interesting.

It seems Denise has a plan to sort things out... which seems to involve getting Ian to change personality. Again.

Alfie makes his feelings for Kat clear when he offers to go and check out Jean's new love interest in Carl's stead... could the collapse of his relationship with Poxy BE anymore telegraphed?

Ian struggles on the stall and shows uncharacteristic spine by attempting to get King Phil to pay for an apple he takes... fortunately battle of the unattractive, obese middle aged men doesn't kick off as Denise drags him into the shop. Oh and he comes clean about the money he found. Needless to say, Denise is very skeptical about this very polite menacer - until Ian makes it clear not to get involved.

A little later, despite the advice - Denise asks Carl about how they can sort things out. For once, he's not quite so polite and shockingly, it seems that Denise has made things worse!

Alfie and The Bill's answer to Alan Titchmarsh talk and it turns out he's a divorcee and also thinks he and Kat are married. FORESHADOWING!

In case you're as stupid as the Crayon Crew, they have Ian say "you've made it worse!" when Denise fesses up to confronting Carl. The idea of telling the police is immediately dismissed (naturally) and then Denise suggests they come up with some idea to get rid of him... good grief, all you need to do is POISON HIM!

Awkward Alfie and Kat scene! Followed by some Kat and Alfie bonding with Tommy.

Denise goes to see Phil but he's being uninterested and uncaring... Fortunately, she knows that he has changes of heart more often than most people have heart beats. Also she appeals to his vanity.

Some inconsequential stuff between Peter and Lucy and Janine and Michael.

Phil's heart might be about to undergo a change when Jay gives Carl a thumbs up!

Kat and Alfie get to the inevitable - you'll never her like you love me part... let's not get too original with the dialogue!

Sharon and Shirley come to verbal blows again - Shirley describing the Kinder Egg abomination as a future Norman Bates, that might qualify as genuinely amusing... shame it's really more a commentary on the dismal level of writing, eh? - and it's down to Kim to decide who stays and who goes! DUN DUN DUN!

King Phil and Carl have a friendly chat in the Vic... Aww, it seems like Phil made a new friend!

Abi wants Max to go off and stay near Lauren... yes, go! GO! GO NOW!

Phil tells Ian that he should pay Carl back ASAP... no surprise there then.

Shirley leaves the B&B... how exactly was someone on a minimum wage affording life in a B&B anyway?

Oh, Alfie comes clean about the divorce being finalised - Poxy is still less than pleased.

Ohoh, Carl has come a politely menacing!

Max is leaving! Yes. Yes! YES! Fingers crossed for an off-screen death. Preferably of one of the hundreds of STIs he almost certainly has.

In a shocking turn of events - meaning one that isn't even slightly surprising - Carl decides ten grand isn't enough, it's fifteen now... he's onto a good thing, after all. JUST POISON HIM!

So, after having established that he clearly still has feelings for Kat what better thing for Alfie to do than... MARRY POXY! This can't possibly go wrong, says Alfie's sullen face as he hugs his likely-to-be-jilted-at-the-altar fiance.

Tuesday 16th July 2013

Ian is in a good mood after having stolen his businesses back from Evil Lucy - who is still in a mood.

Poxy and Alfie are talking about the speed dating - which amazingly didn't happen  the same day as it was decided and it seems that Alfie's decree absolute has arrived.

Just to make Ian's nastiness - because he has reverted to Old Ian - even more egregious, Lucy says thanks to him.

Kirstie is going speed dating - could she meet Carl there?!

Lucy seems to think that Ian selling up will solve everything  - dohohoho!

Dot isn't overly keen on the speed dating but Alfie makes it awkward by mentioning Kat.

It seems Denise - having been the main supporter of Ian opening the restaurant - isn't at all surprised or bothered about Ian deciding to pack it in after about a week...

Shirley, Bianca and Jean discuss the speed dating - oh lawdy, it doesn't get much more horrifying.

Ian is being churlish in the kitchen, which is sufficient to make his SNATCH a knife from Peter and get himself cut... when we find out there IS a first aid kit there... seems like it might have been a good idea to use that when you had your hand burned, rather than running across the Square like an eejit.

Poxy is filled with the joys of divorce because she thinks the Walford equivalent of Romeo and Juliet can be broken up by something as simple as repeated infidelity. They really do need to get to the part where they both die though.

New head Bobby reappears for a few brief seconds... Denise finally gets to thinking that selling up is a bad idea. She then tries to work some mind games on Evil Lucy but who cares?

To make the speed dating even less suitable for humans, it appears Kim is going too and both Shirley and Kim seem as giddy as schoolgirls... really?

AJ tries to lure Tamwar to the speed dating - except Tamwar seems to realise it's going to be the usual  gutter sluts that you wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Why is everyone so excited about it?

Oh, look! Jean's allotment pal is at the speed dating. Oh, lawks - this is painful... We have to see the attempts of the Crayon Crew to write comedy. Which are awful.

Ian apologises to Twitney, who turns up chewing gum with earrings so big and hoopy they could fit around her waist.

MORE SPEED DATING!

Evil Lucy makes Ian more guilty about his actions (quelle surprise) by saying they'll find another way to pay off Carl.

Speaking of Carl, in a twist no one could see coming - he's at the speed dating and talking to Kirstie! Oh and she strops off. Another shocking surprise.

And here we go, the coup d'etat - Lucy decides to give Ian the money!

The speed dating is over - thank expletive for that... but Jean and Mr. The Bill are getting along quite well. Oh wait, it's not... it was just a break.Will it never end? Here comes Dot!

Max pre-empts the typical Eastenders drama cycle of Kirstie and him having the same exact conversation over and over again... and apparently Kirstie has now said her piece... Unlikely.

Lucy finds out she doesn't have any money! Even though it's extremely unlikely the businesses could have been entirely transferred in this timeframe.

Shirley is drunk and something about wages or benefits... basically, an incoherent anti-government rant - as if she's owed a living. She asks where it all went wrong... it was never going right.

Lucy reveals to Ian she knows! DUN DUN DUN!

Awkward flirting between Alfie and Poxy and he doesn't come clean about the divorce.

Everyone seems shocked that the conniving, spineless weasel that is Ian Beale has stolen back his businesses... and to be fair, he has a point - those were his businesses and Lucy did steal them from him... she might be feigning good intentions now but it doesn't exactly ring true.

Monday 15th July 2013

Ian walks in on the ever so polite Carl talking to Peter and some more well mannered menacing occurs.

Dot seems very excited about reaping the rewards of her charity drive - meaning it has probably failed horribly.

Kirstie is still asking Abi to talk to Max for her - jeez, change the record. She's so embarrassingly desperate, even Kat tells her to lay off.

About thirty seconds is all it take for Evil Lucy to talk Ian into selling up his share of the restaurant... so much for that dream.

Patrick is still unable to break it off with boring Bettt... seriously?

Despite having meekly accepted his marching orders from Evil Lucy, Ian seems less than happy about the prospect of selling up when talking to Peter about it.

Abi moans to Max about being stuck between him and Kirstie - who can blame her?

Cora is less than impressed by Patrick's inability to break up with Betty and it seems that irritates Patrick no end.

Peter tries to woo Jean back to the restaurant, which causes Jean to go a bit bonkers in front of Poxy and Alfied.

Cora and Dexter discuss how she and Patrick aren't together... yawn.

Jean continues to be bonkers, this time to Kat.

Joey tries to trash talk Ian but he manages to demonstrate some backbone! Shocking.

Jean is allowed to run off to be mental elsewhere thanks to Kat's intervention and we see some chemistry between Kat and Alfie... before she walks back into the front of the Vic and Carl decides to hit on her.

Patrick gets the offer of help with women from Dexter - which is met with suitable derision.

A courier arrives at the Beale house with a brown envelope. DUN DUN DUN!

Jean tries to get away from it all by going to the allotment but the irritating chap from last time is there and that is apparently very upsetting to her.

Back with Ian, he assures Peter that he is going to "put everything right". Dun dun dun?

Kirstie warns Kat off Carl because he's not like other men... what the devil does that mean?

Joey takes a girl into the caffffffffffffffff and Evil Lucy has a bit of a cry. This is apparently part of Joey's master plan to find out if what Ian said earlier was right.

Operation Break Up goes ahead as if Patrick was an awkward and inexperienced teen but finally, he manages to tell  her it's all over.

Jean emerges from the hut in the allotment to find that her plot has been hoed.

Evil Lucy runs home for moral support from her papa.

The tedious Dot fundraiser subplot chunters along. Which leads to speed dating in the Vic - just in time for a quip about Patrick and Cora getting together.

Carl puts the moves on Kirstie again but she rejects him, just before receiving a remonstration from Max about using Abi.

Ian comforts Evil Lucy before none too subtly getting her to sign what he claims to be the insurance for the chippy... Oh and with two whole signatures, signatures - Ian has all his businesses back... because this (much like Ian signing them away while a gibbering wreck) would TOTALLY stand up in court. In fact, these are the kind of things you can do in a lunch break - they're not tedious and time consuming processes at all!

Friday 12th July 2013

It seems Ian is rejecting any help for his hand - leading Lucy to conclude he is going mental again.

Liam's trial is about to happen and who should walk in while Bianca is angsting about this but the boy himself... what happened to all the "we won" talk, eh? It just shows you how hollow those claims of victory were - so insubstantial and hyperbolic that even the Crayon Crew is back tracking on them.

Ohoh, it seems that they're trying to set up Cora and Patrick - this involves setting the two up to meet at the allotment while lying to Betty. DUN DUN DUN!

Michael is moving back in... Joey is not best pleased at this news.

So, finally Peter manages to browbeat Ian into admitting there's a problem and they actually get to sorting the problem. Peter suggests that the only way to pay-off Carl is Lucy and then, Ian has a cunning plan!

Dexter is struggling with the prospect of his father departing because of those car parts arriving - he doesn't have to leave, Dexter. You can fix his car and he can stay...

Liam requires a peptalk from Bianca before his trial but that doesn't work.

Ian's genius plan apparently involves wining and dining Evil Lucy!

Janine is already getting Hollyoaks to do her dirty work by evicting people from her flats - why would he do that, isn't he an investor or something?

Patrick and Cora arrive at the allotment so close together they must have been going up the path hand-in-hand but as soon as they enter, they're locked in... because that isn't the most hackneyed ruse in writing.

Lil' Liam needs ANOTHER peptalk, this time it's from Shirley. Her line of reasoning is a bit dubious - Liam didn't stab her, therefore he should testify.

Evil Lucy seems concerned about her father's announcement but Peter placates her.

It seems Shirley's peptalk worked and it's off to court for Liam.

Joey not wanting Michael in the house results in him shouting at Alice.

Using her keen detective skills, Cora deduces that her predicament is down to Kim and Abi but Patrick doesn't seem too worried as there is rum.

Joey comes to threaten Michael but that battle of wits is predictably short and allows Michael to get back to google stalking Mr. Hollyoaks, who we then see putting something through Billy Idiot's letter box... and why he's stupid enough to leave a convertible Ferrari sitting around in Walford is anyone's guess, two seconds and that thing would be keyed, two minutes and it wouldn't have any wheels.

Patrick and Cora get their own back on their matchmakers by pretending to kiss as Kim and Abi enter, which makes them run off for some reason but this leads to the revelation that Patrick actually DOES want to be with Cora. That might be what they call dramatic irony.

It seems that Mr. Hollyoaks has been telling porkies and Michael is only too happy to tell Janine that she is being led up the garden path.

Sam and Dexter do some more reconciliation, with Sam giving Dexter the keys to his flat. He certainly came around pretty quickly.

The trial went just fine, it seems... oh and Masood is off somewhere...

Mr. Hollyoaks manages to get rid of Janine's trouble tenants and then is forced to fess up but Janine seems fine.

Ian's clever plan is to just ask Evil Lucy for the money. Unsurprisingly, she doesn't react well to being led on and after the requisite amount of shouting - storms off... So, that was Ian's genius plan? Just asking her straight up for money? Actually, Lucy brings up Ian not going to the police, that seems like a pretty valid point although Ian's defence now seems to have moved to it being his word against Carl's... surely the pilfered cash is a factor in this recalcitrance to involve the authorities?

Thursday 11th July 2013

Jack has a go at Michael for using all the shampoo and bodywash.

Ian is giving out stuff in front of the restaurant for some reason and then does his best dramatic gulp when Sam gives him a quote for the repairs. Oh, if ONLY he had some kind of POLICY that was INSURANCE against this! Wait! He does! He's just not using that money because he's an idiot.

Speaking of the restaurant, Jean is still brooding - sufficiently that Poxy notices.

Jack has another go at Michael, who says he's going to move back  in with Janine.

Ian takes to the streets, selling his croissants and such... cue him looking suspicious when Carl goes by and then obviously lying to Peter.

It seems that the new comer Betty is quite taken with Patrick.

Tiff has fallen in love - which has prevented her from eating, it seems.

Michael attempts to schmooze Janine but Mr. Hollyoaks appears. DUN DUN DUN!

Kirstie is still trying to pursue Max and is rebuffing Carl... yawn.

Sam has a brilliant plan - drinks in the Vic with Ava and Dexter... what could possibly go wrong?

It seems a dance with Betty has tired old Patrick out. He's not too keen on her sedate tastes.

Michael gets the lowdown on Mr. Hollyoaks. DUN DUN DUN!

Bianca moans when Carol - having divined that Tiffany is in love - implies she's a bad mother... It would appear she missed the part where her son joined a gang and got stabbed.

Jean is fretting about her wrongdoing but Dr. Kat is on hand to prescribe some time in the allotments for that.

Janine and Michael do some more game playing, this time with Mr. Hollyoaks being the piece.

Patrick - being a grown man in the twilight of his life - requires advice from Kim on how to tell Betty he's not interested.

Dexter doesn't react well to his father's proposal... there's a surprise!

It's time for a polite menacing interlude, brought to you by Carl. The incredibly slow Ian is finally told by the man himself that he didn't do anything to the restaurant and seems positively shocked... why would he kill the goose that laid the golden egg? Oh and somehow mentioning Kirstie makes Carl backoff?

It seems Mr. Hollyoaks is sufficiently smooth talking to keep Janine onside...

Michael makes up with Half-Day Alice for about the hundredth time... yawn.

Kim is trying to matchmake Patrick and Cora with all the guile of a twelve year old.

A trip to the allotment sorts Jean's brain right out.

In addition to being forgiven by her, Half-Day Alice also welcomes the perpetually petulant Michael back into her home... that's nice of her.

The polite menacing Carl comes back... it seems mentioning Kirstie was not the best of ideas. In fact, it was such a bad idea that it has escalated Carl into a situation that could endanger Ian's physical well being... although, he seems more confused than afraid.

What better place for Jean to find a fellow loon than the allotment, eh? Jean seems less than heartened by his unsolicited advice.

Ian runs home to run his hand under the tap, which allows Peter to see his burns... if only he could go to the police, eh?

Tuesday 9th July 2013

It seems Dexter's childish outburst last night was more than an ideal threat and unlike everyone else in Walford, he's actually packed... and more than just an overnight bag... that is quite the miracle.

Sharon returns to a suitable greeting from Shirley, who suggests that she thought she and her oft forgotten son were gone for good "Wishful thinking." replies Sharon as her hair tries to decide how stupid it's going to look this episode (moderate with a possibility of very rising later)... Don't we know it?

Being a comic relief character, Kim has apparently - just as the tedium of Wimbledon is over - decided to rename the B&B... although, it's hard to tell if she's saying that Andy Murray HAS won or is GOING to win because of her poor diction and worse syntax... but these occasional intrusions of the real world are so arbitrary and detached that they stick out like a sore thumb.

Is Tiffany looking different? She's excited for the return of her brother.

Kat makes sure to sensitively ask Jean if she's alright - JUST KIDDING! One off comment and it's "ARE YOU OFF YOUR MEDS?!" in a barely contained shriek that passes for her inside voice and then she seems very surprised that the village mad woman scurries off like a puppy threatened with a rolled up newspaper.

It seems like Ava has chosen her son - definitely the wrong decision... Sam seems to take it rather well though.

Patrick/Cora subplot but the course of true romance doesn't run smooth as Patrick is friends with another woman!

Sharon and Dot are having a chinwag but it turns out that this is just Sharon fishing for a place to stay.

Kat confides in Bianca that Jean is being a village mad woman to which Bianca just shrugs and says she's Jean... such a progressive attitude to mental health issues in Walford... if it was the nineteenth century.

Oh, what's this? A Dexter/Sam scene without shouting?! The bookies will be paying out big on that and it seems Dexter is having second thoughts.

Peter seems to think he can deal with Carl - why? And the idea that it might not have been Carl is floated but immediately dismissed.

Dexter forgets that in the game of fathers, deadbeat dad always loses to dead dad... which you'd think he'd remember given the fact he's had the same exact conversation with Jay a dozen times and Jay's had the same exact reaction each and every time.

Cora really isn't too fond of Patrick's new friend - as she doesn't drink and bakes cakes! DUN DUN DUN!

Sharon reassures Ian that he'll have the restaurant back on track soon and then Ian says he's tired, fearing another breakdown. Then Jean bursts in, only to be yanked back outside by Bianca... and for some reason, Sharon turns down the offer of free accommodation despite needing it. So, she'll go fishing for it from Dot but won't take a freely given offer from her oldest and best friend? That makes sense.

Abi tries to help Dexter by telling her how awful her father is...

Cora gets her marching orders from Patrick who has had enough of her snide comments.

Bianca finally admits that she thinks bipolar disorder renders Jean as stupid as her ex-husband... although, given how mental illness is written in Eastenders that's a lot closer to the truth in Eastenders than it is in reality and then Kat comes in and finds out about the hijinks in the restaurant. The inevitable shouting match ensues as Liam comes home, just as Bianca shows what an insufferable bitch she is... she's not

Having managed without Sharon's management for the past several weeks, it seems only logical that she can walk back into her old job - no questions asked... well, except for "are you clean"?

Peter asks his father if he has talked to Carl and when told the recently released criminal has just backed off ten grand, he IMMEDIATELY believes him... because criminals don't care that much about money!

Dexter walks in to see his mother crying and so begins his mad dash to find Sam... if only some kind of instantaneous long distance communication device had been invented for use in a situation like this!

Bianca assures Liam that the trial for his stabbing will be just fine! They've had all the bad lucky they're going to have.

And... just like that, Sam and Dexter are reconciled... kind of. At least Ava is happy.

Monday 8th July 2013

Dexter gets the week off as it means to continue as he shouts at Sam until Ava suggests he leave.

Ian is trying to say he can pay for the damage to the restaurant despite the fact Evil Lucy knows full well he hasn't got two pennies to rub together. Then it turns out the police are coming to visit!

Ava tries to explain herself to Dexter but he's too shouty to listen to reason, insisting that his mother end things with Sam.

It seems Dexter is taking time out from work to hassle his mother and unfortunately, the ever changeable Phil is not in a forgiving mood!

Meanwhile, Ian - thinking that Carl was trying to send him a message - assures him that it wasn't his idea to get the fuzz involved as he looks suitably baffled... which causes some concern for Jean. Although, apparently not quite enough for her to curl up into a ball on the pavement. Shirley just tells her to keep quiet though.

Ava explains that breaking up with Sam is quite difficult and Dexter does some more shouting. At least he's consistent.

At the restaurant, Ian does one of his more subtle guilty acts as he tries to deflect everything regarding the fire in as obvious and as suspicious a manner as possible. Fortunately, new head Peter is on hand to give some useful information.

Michael seems to be involving Half-Day Alice in his game.

Dexter doesn't seem too happy to find out Ava knew about his mother's philandering but she's having none of it.

Bianca's attempts to climb the greasy pole of Walford's worst woman resume as she gives another few choruses of "poor me, poor me" to Shirley. Their loud chat comes to a stop when Peter comes in to the cafffffffff and when Shirley tries to reassure Bianca by inquiring about the investigation, it seems Peter is out for BLOOOOOD! Then Evil Lucy says that Ian's apparent obliviousness to the event was how his illness started last time.

Before King Phil comes to drag Dexter to his job - a truly shocking occurrence in Walford - Ava tells him that his constant shouting isn't going to get him anywhere... That advice is likely to fall on deaf ears in Walford.

Bianca pleads some more for Jean to lie just as the fuzz appear.

Oh, goodness - a mention of Lauren!

It seems that Peter has become something of the amateur detective and it looks as if he's favouring Twitney as his prime suspect. This logically leads him to Bianca, who is understandably defensive on the topic and her own alibi further confirms Peter's suspicions and when he runs off to tell the police about this Bianca shouts out that it wasn't Twitney... oops.

King Phil is still in mother hen mode again but gives Dexter the advice everyone should have given him by now - shut the hell up about your father, no one cares.

The police are putting the pressure on Twitney but she's unable to explain why Bianca might have said she  was home when she was out. DUN DUN DUN!

Ian is apparently so stupid that despite now having a crime number, he isn't even going to claim on the insurance... why? Even if he thinks this was Carl putting "the frightners" on him, why wouldn't he claim on his  insurance? How does a police investigation create bad PR? Why doesn't he tell anyone about Carl?! All of these questions and more will never be answered!

Peter - having just told the idiotic Ian - suspects Twitney and marches around for the standard shouty confrontation. For some reason Ian pops in, presumably to stop fisticuffs between Peter and Tyler.

Dexter pops in the Vic to call out Sam for a final shouty battle.

Ian FINALLY comes clean to Peter about the blackmail about damned time.

Speaking of confessions, Bianca confesses to Twitney that she was responsible for the damage at the restaurant... Twitney is not best pleased.

Sam appears at Dexter's house and is greeted by what else but Dexter shouting. That's about it. No doubt this will be happening again several times though, so no need to worry if you missed anything!

Shirley, Bianca and Jean all breathe a collective sigh of relief at the fact Ian has dropped the case due to extreme levels of idiocy and then Bianca tries to rewrite history by saying that she did it because Ian was trash talking Twitney... which is a lie and also doesn't really excuse letting Twitney take the blame.

Max gets the wedding ring back from Kirstie... so much for that relationship.

Sam tries to schmooze the eternally shouty Dexter but just when it seems things are going well, the shouty one ends the episode as he began it - shouting. The shouting of an ultimatum - Dexter or Sam... given how insufferable Dexter has been, that seems like a no-brainer.

Friday 5th July 2013

Ava tells Dexter some porkies about her whereabouts last night, covering for her liaison with Sam by pretending she had a night out with the girls...

Bianca is paranoid about Jean spilling her guts about their expensive hijinks in the restaurant but Shirley doesn't seem too worried. Which is probably the wrong attitude as a shoeless Jean is curled up on the ground outside.

Is Joey flirting with Evil Lucy? Goodness.

Denise instructs Ian on how to act like a normal human being before he fatefully says to Sam that he's "on top of everything" and leaves the B&B with a smile on his face.

Michael comes a knockin' to see his wife - insert generic sparring dialogue.

While the gibbering Jean looks on anxiously, Ian tempts fat again by saying he has everything under control. Apparently his sprinkler system really IS set to Biblical flood because it's STILL GOING! Ian takes it a lot better than expected, he doesn't SAY anything, he just retrieves the bookings and seems to deduce that Carl is behind this.

Cora gives Ava another Sam related ultimatum.

Michael comes to lean on Billy Idiot again.

Bianca and Shirley - keen not to rouse suspicion - are standing across from the restaurant, loudly discussing what happened... and then they find Jean. Bianca is still inexplicably on the "Ian deserves what he got" side of things and Shirley doesn't appear to have any concept of a little thing called water damage and of course, both of them seem completely ignorant of Jean's mental illness.

Oh, that might be the last mention of Lauren - blink and you'll miss it.

Ava looks to be buying time to explain her relationship with Sam to Dexter... let's see how that goes.

Kat comes for one of her now regular heart-to-hearts with Michael where she goes on about the game playing, at which point Michael makes note of the fact that her and Alfie aren't really a grounds for comparison because they aren't both evil. That is hilarious.

Ian hasn't called the police... and more hilariously, Denise suggests the reason to do this is to find out who was responsible... yeah, it's not as if the police just give you crime numbers over the phone these days... the little matter of the insurance though, which would require a crime number...

Patrick tries his luck with Cora... DENIED!

Denise seems to understand how insurance works, which makes you wonder why she didn't make the point about insurance to Ian rather than the hilarious notion the police might catch the perpetrators.

Jean, Shirley and Bianca are in the Vic loudly discussing their guilt and ever the upstanding citizen, Bianca's thoughts turn to how terrible all of this is for HER... sorry, you don't get any sympathy by playing the single mother card when you earlier wished ruin on Ian and then having seen said ruination visited upon Ian, seemed to think it a reasonable fate - at this point we should be look into something rather more punitive than punishment, perhaps removing a hand or foot?

Janine walks in and immediately wants to call the police - apparently having the police investigate is bad for business though! Uh... why? Oh and Evil Lucy backs Ian up on this ludicrous point, even as Ian offers to pay for all the damage. Oh and Janine showing a startling degree of sense, ignores Ian and Evil Lucy and calls the police.

Billy Idiot tells Michael that the reason Janine returned is that he told her Michael wanted her. DUN DUN DUN!

Sam tells Ava that she should tell Dexter about them but obviously, THAT would be too simple for Walford...

Cora decides to go dancing with Patrick after all, then acts with barely concealed rage when he's found another dance partner after she slammed the door in his face... Good grief, Cora - keep this up and women won't be allowed to vote.

Could it be that Michael's game playing is at an end as he goes around to tell Janine that he won't be all up in her business anymore and that he thinks she'll be a good mother and that he's even missed her. He walks out and tells Kat that he has made Janine fall in love with him again. Talk about conceited.

Sam and Ava worble on but are interrupted by the arrival of Dexter, which immediately leads to shouting. Incomprehensible shouting, from which it seems reasonable to deduce that Dexter is not best pleased but this is before Ava and Sam holds hands to signify the fact they are together.

Thursday 4th July 2013

Ian emerges from the kitchen for but a moment before going back in - with some vaguely heard shouting. Realising Ian is an emotional cripple, Denise steps in to help. At this point, things seem to have turned nasty because everyone seems to be taking Ian's "I could kiss you" statement a bit too literally. Perhaps more perplexingly, instead of trying to assert that he was speaking figuratively - most likely because that would entail the kind of common sense that is anathema to Walfordian melodrama - we have Jean jumping to the conclusion that she was to be part of some love triangle because of Ian's sexual inadequacy, which leads to Ian being suitably scathing and telling Jean she's employed purely out of sympathy. Predictably, Jean walks out and Ian designates Twitney to hold the fort (she has taken to calling Ian a perv now, for some reason) but remarkably expresses her inability to do the job of a professional chef and... she's fired.

It seems that Sam is still pursuing Ava but she isn't biting.

Carl makes comment to Ian that the restaurant is empty - wait... wasn't he supposed to be fully booked? That was quick. Also... is Ian going to settle on a personality?

Jack seems a little skeptical about Michael's master plan to bring back Janine with reverse psychology - sufficiently so to put his money where his mouth is!

Having been out of her job for less than five minutes, Jean is now propping up the bar in the Vic while Twitney says Ian is a perv about twenty times. OK! We get it, jeez - enough with the ham fists people of Jewish and Islamic persuasions might not take kindly to their usage. Then Jean starts going on about horoscopes and despite having earlier mentioned her history of mental illness, no one seems to think this might be a symptom of her illness (and it could be, while Jean has bipolar disorder this is Eastenders and so in practice her symptoms could include everything from not being able to read properly to thinking she's George Washington) as she rambles on about horoscopes and destiny.

Oh, miracle of miracles - Jack has remembered he has kids! Amusingly, Michael says he has the right idea by being an absentee father.

Night has fallen - although, it's not really clear how much time has past since Jean's firing - and apparently Ian didn't even try and do a service... despite the fact he's been saying he was fully booked everyday... Anyway, he locks up and heads out when who should come stumbling in but Shirley, Jean and Bianca. For reasons of plot contrivance - Shirley insists that they not switch the lights on (lest half of Walford want their dinner, apparently) and instead uses one of those candle lighting things... Jean tells her that her horoscope warned about this, at which point Shirley tells her that back in the day they'd have burned her as a witch. WRONG! Witches were never burned in England, they were hanged - schoolboy error.

Just how long HAS passed? Sam and Ava are still in the Vic and he's JUST broached the topic of her standing him up and that was at lunch time. It's just past midsummer, so that must have been one hell of an awkward silence.

Shirley has lit enough candles to celebrate Tutankhamun's birthday... and there's still no real explanation of why there was the necessity to break and enter to retrieve Jean's handbag under cover of darkness... Couldn't she have waited until tomorrow? Oh right, that's logic - oops. There's some justification of their thievery from Ian and then the discussion of his frequenting a prostitute - namely Janine.

It seems Michael is finally willing to reveal that he wants Janine back on the Square to Billy Idiot of all people. Billy is being true to his name... but if he has been fired... why is he still in Janine's house, eh? It's not really surprising that Michael sees right through him.

Ian attempts to apologise to Denise - the scene could have done without Kim's comic relief... but then that's a more general comment about the character than anything.

It seems that Shirley and Bianca have found and lit every candle in the entire restaurant and then some - Jean warns of THE PROPHECY OF DOOM again, prompting Shirley to feign injury. Goodness, wouldn't it be ironic if the prophecy came to pass?!

Denise describes Ian pointing out that he didn't kiss Jean as "weaseling"... good grief, let's just put him on the sex offenders register and be done with it, shall we? Oh and then Denise says it's time for a break! Cue Ian's sob story about his trials and travails and doing what he did to win Denise over in the first place - being utterly pathetic... and hey, it works!

Shirley has now decided that Ian is responsible for Ben going off the rails, murdering 'ev and her whole life being generally awful... If you don't like living in the B&B - get a flat! Although this is wild conjecture and totally unsubstantiated by anything approaching a fact, both Bianca and Jean immediately decide Ian doesn't deserve his current success. One predictable accident later and the restaurant is ablaze!

Despite the extremely reasonable question being asked as to why Janine would want to return to Walford, she has indeed returned and Billy Idiot has got his job back for the umpteenth time because he recorded Michael saying he wanted her back on the Square.

Shirley and Bianca manage to put out the fire but someone just has to go and say "it doesn't look too bad"... as Jean says they have to tidy up, we find out that the sprinkler system and fire alarm seems to have a comedy timing delay... Also, somewhat bafflingly - the sprinkler system causes the electrics to short out... isn't that the kind of thing you generally want to avoid when you're building somewhere? Anyway, an inexplicably drunken Kim (given that we saw her stone cold sober not very long ago - but then it only took long forgotten Lauren about thirty seconds) staggers past as water cascades out the front door. Good grief! Did they have the sprinkler system set to Biblical? Needless to say, it's the kind of OTT stuff with absolutely no basis in reality as commonly understood that the show has been missing - unintentionally hilarious... Next up, will Ian have forgotten to get insurance or will he be trying insurance fraud?! If he doesn't get a pay-out though, it will be priceless given that the Vic got one almost immediately.

Tuesday 2nd July 2013

Having dealt with the very serious issue of alcohol dependence over the last few weeks, it should come as a surprise to no one that with the departure (and imminent forgetting) of Lauren... that Michael is making sure to hydrate himself with plenty of neat whiskey.

Billy Idiot is on the phone to Janine and tells a whopper! He says he knows what reticent means... Anyway, porkies aside Janine is instructing him to make it appear as if she's back to mess with Michael... and she is orchestrating this from a room with "windows" that have images of the houses of parliament... so she's clearly no in London and just feeling a little homesick... for the most stereotypically touristy view of the city.

Jean continues her descent into village mad woman - not helped by Ian who is back to the old penny pinching miser, quick to bully those he can but then back to understanding Ian fast enough to give you whiplash... if Ian is supposed to have picked up bipolar disorder or some such because of his trampoid breakdown, it's worth pointing out that bipolar disorder. DOESN'T. WORK. THAT. WAY.

Michael menaces Billy Idiot, who eventually divulges Janine's location. Apparently this is just part of her diabolical plan... which Michael seems to realise and then he gets to thinking about this being a trap... but Alice is there to tell him that Janine probably still loves him and if he loves Scarlet, he should go anyway. Oh and Billy Idiot is described as "a weapons grade moron". Priceless.

Jean is moaning to Shirley and has decided that Ian is now pursuing her romantically. Which she knows because of her horoscope. Knowing that Jean suffers a long history of being the village mad woman, instead of trying to be constructive... Shirley's advice is to "slap him down".

It turns out the whole Square is now awash with gossip about Kirstie and Dot comes to tell her, it's OK...

Cora and Ava are doing the bonding thing again, where Cora makes some none too subtle insinuations  about her current dalliance with Sam.

Ian is making some statements to Jean that could be read as flirtatious.

Billy Idiot is explaining how much of an idiot to Janine as she laments the fact her elaborate plan to lure Michael to the hotel has failed but thanks to dramatic timing, in comes Michael! Oh and Billy gets fired for about the hundredth time.

Cora presents Ava an ultimatum! Tell Dexter about her and Sam or end it!

The travails of Pointless Poppy being the salon manager! Her and Half-Day Alice having a conversation about this... isn't nature supposed to abhor a vacuum?

Carl reminds us that he's still there by putting the moves on Kirstie.

Time for some Michael and Janine to play some games.

Carl comes to menace Ian politely again, just before he and Denise have dinner... prompting Jean to make some unfounded comments about Denise based on her current flight of fancy.

Half-Day Alice's stealing is back! Sort of. She picks up some hundreds and thousands, then puts them back... while Shirley has her face on till.

Janine finally asks a valid question - what POSSIBLE reason could she have for going back to Square? Michael's answer? Him!

Jean is going mad about her souffle but after some more asinine behaviour from Ian and commentary from Pointless Poppy, it's fine... the reaction this prompts is Walford's equivalent to putting a man on the moon. OK, it takes a little practice to get a souffle to rise but for a professional chef it shouldn't be seen as an achievement. This prompts Ian to snap back to being nice and he grabs hold of Jean and says to her TWICE that he could kiss her, prompting a slap. Strangely enough, neither Twitney nor Pointless Poppy laugh at this.

Michael's plan is to threaten divorce, tell Janine to stay away from the Square and then abscond. This prompts Janine to say "We're leaving"... why is she getting the nanny to move the suitcases? Surely that's something you could get a hotel porter to do? But now the question is - is Janine going to the Caribbean or back to Walford?!

Monday 1st July 2013

In probably the last acknowledgement of the dearly departed Tanya et al, Abi reports on how they're all settling in... Max then lashes out at Cora for some reason, causing her to strop off with Dexter - who pop outside to inform Evil Lucy that Lauren had to go into rehab - then Abi points out to Caveman Max - or perhaps Cavemax - that someone needs to do all the housekeeping, Max is the man for the job! The man couldn't run a bath.

Sam is clearly irresistible because Ava doesn't seem able to say no. Good grief.

Oh and Abi has found out Kirstie lied about having a baby... and then concludes, if not for her they'd all be playing happy families... yes, it's all Kirstie's fault. Obviously.

Evil Lucy seems very concerned about Lauren leaving. She seems positively distraught - oh and Joey is none too pleased.

Abi confronts Kirstie in the street - having missed out on all the shouting of rehab, it's her turn! It seems Abi's tongue lashing was sufficient to drive Kirstie back into her house!

It turns out Lauren going into rehab is grounds for some reconciliation for Cora and Ava... hoorah but before we can dwell on that, Ava is off for a quickie with Sam.

Having been instructed to get sage for Ian, Jean is already all a fluster and then she has to rush off to the Vic. Apparently pub lunches at the Vic require prep work... what's that? Turning the microwave on?

Abi seems to have finally realised Cavemax is a bastard and voices her discontent to Dexter... but he's an expert on relationships with fathers. Obviously. This little tete-a-tete is interrupted by Ava appearing and acting very suspiciously. Much to Dexter's amusement.

The lesser spotted Shirley appears to do something NON-Phil related - namely to tell the flustered Jean that she shouldn't take Ian's treatment of her.

Cavemax grunts some more derision at Cora, who pointedly makes the observation he appears to be hedging his bets as to his current domicile... Patrick comes over to talk to Cora  - who is knocking back the booze (dohohoh) - but she's in one of her unreceptive moods.

King Phil says to Abi that Lauren is "in the right place"... and Denise is rather nice. Aww. Shame they'll all forget about them before the week is up.

It seems like it's time for Jean to go village mad woman again as she breaks down in the street. Fortunately, Sam is on hand to help... because that's how mental health problems work! So, they go to confront Ian but before they can get started - Poppy quits because Tanya has made her manageress of the salon so she quits! This prompts Ian - just as Jean is trying to say she's out too - to bluster her into taking on Poppy's job... so... she's a waitress and a chef? Ian is naturally grateful for but the most fleeting of moments... Hey remember when Ian became a nicer person when he recovered from his trampoid torpor? The Crayon Crew don't! Jean then shouts at Patrick for telling her lunch orders at the Vic are piling up and luckily, Shirley is within earshot to say things are only going to get worse...

Kirstie throws herself at Cavemax again as he moves out of their place. No bigger turn on than desperation.

Evil Lucy tries to explain her evil actions to Joey... which is an excuse for her to try and get back together with Joey, naturally. Amusingly enough, despite having said that he loves Lauren and heard Lucy confess to being essentially responsible for much of Lauren's current predicament - Joey seems fine with this seduction.

Ava and Sam finally get to have sex - they're like rutting teens.

It seems to have had a personality one eighty because he's all sweetness and sunshine to Jean - who is still in a state - but this is just a set up for her trigger phrase "little treat", that was in her horoscope earlier... it's like something out of the Mancunian Candidate! She's probably going to kill the president now.

Cavemax and Abi have a good cry.

Cora goes knocking at Ava's... and what should she see but Ava and Sam! DUN DUN DUN!